The Hidden Cost of Being Right & The Power of Taking Less Offense| Dr. Rangan Chatterjee EP 859

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:12I think you're a prisoner of the past when you don't forgive. And there's a reward for that as well. Like you get to be righteous, you get to be justice, you get to be right and them wrong. You get to be, you get validation from people having sympathy for you and understanding and understanding how something is not okay. And that was horrible what that person did and all these different things. You get rewards. But I just feel like the reward of forgiveness and setting yourself free is far greater than any other reward you could get by holding your grudge. Exactly. And holding a grudge and being angry at someone or an event or the government or the world or the weather, whatever, for ruining something in your life or hurting something in your life or causing a disruption in your life.

1:05And however drastic or small it might be, holding a grudge onto that. That's a cost. There's a big cost. There's a big price you'll pay. There's a big price you'll pay. But you're validated in society for holding it. As you say, like if you hold on and you go, yeah, they shouldn't have posted that post. They're wrong. Your friends will often support you. Yeah, they shouldn't have done it. But what we don't. And I used to be that person. So I'm not judging. I just know what it's like to not live like that anymore. Right. Chapter five in this book is called Take Less Offense. And I say many of us have an over reliance on being right.

1:41And I make the case in that book. I talk about the George Floyd death. Right. That's how I opened that chapter. you know and I kind of explain how it affected me and then what I chose to share on social media and how I got attacked for it because if you remember when the George Floyd death made headline news around the world it was during COVID it was we were in lockdowns I was in the UK we were in a lockdown and this event happened horrible event tragic event just to be really clear and it brought up all kinds of feelings for me. Now, I'm a Brit, right? I was born and brought up in the UK. I've got Indian immigrant parents.

2:21I'm not American, right? I haven't lived in America and know the history of this country, right? So I understand that, right? I have to say this is, I'm just watching it from the outside. But nonetheless, whatever the narrative was at the time brought up things for me. And I wanted to share my view on social media, right? Like you, have a large platform and I thought I felt like I wanted to contribute to this public voice. I don't always comment on public things. In fact, it's quite rare for me, but I felt like I wanted to. I thought about some of the things that my family had experienced when they came to the UK.

2:56And I also thought about something my wife told me when she was a little girl and living in the north of England. She can still remember one afternoon when a local nationalist party threw a brick through their window and told them to get out. And she was just watching TV, I think, and suddenly a brick smashes the window and comes in. That is traumatic. That is really scary. So two or three days after George Floyd's death, I shared a well-thought-out post on Instagram. I explained my perspective, and I also shared the impact that racism can have and some of the things that came up for me. And I shared that example of what happened to my wife.

3:42And there was a small section who started to take offense at what I said and were attacking me and saying, you shouldn't be commenting, this is not your place. This is a black issue. This is not an Asian issue. And initially I was like, oh, have I done something wrong here? Like I was trying to put out a really careful, kind, considered post to try and contribute to this big public conversation. Initially, I thought I did something wrong, and then I meditated on it, Lewis. I thought about it, and I thought, wait a minute, I'm not signed up to any code of conduct that determines how I can or cannot react to the death of an individual 3 ,000 miles away.

4:19I'm perfectly entitled to share my truth the way I see it. And I kind of feel that many of us these days are walking around taking offense to everything. Yes. And it comes at a cost, right? Because people need to understand, as I've learned to understand over the last few years, is that nothing is inherently offensive. Something happens. Someone shares something. If something was inherently offensive, every single person would get offended. The fact that every single person is not getting offended means it's not that thing that is offensive. It's something within you that's being activated by that external event.

5:02And once you understand that, because I think most of the world don't understand that, they think an event happens, I have every right to take offense to that. Now, people have got every right to do whatever they want. I'm not trying to change what people do. People can decide what they do. I'm trying to make the case in that chat so that there is an impact. If you are someone who feels that you're wronged in your life everywhere and everything's against you and everything's offensive, you've got to understand that that is coming at a cost to you. You are generating emotional stress in your body that is not neutral.

5:39Maybe the reason you can't make change that lasts in your life, right? It's because you're walking around getting offended at everyone. And if you really think about it, we're living in a world of 8 billion people, Lewis. 8 billion people are not going to share the same view as you and to think that they will is almost a little bit arrogant the question is why do you need people to share the same view as you like one thing that's been transformative in my marriage Lewis is when I let go of the need to be right I'm like I don't need to be right I don't need to win this argument with my wife for a while she's got her view I've got my view it's cool Yeah.

6:22Is it better to be right or be happy? Exactly. I would say one of the most important things you can do in life for your inner well-being, which will impact your physical well-being. And that's the thing that's interesting. That's why as a doctor, I wrote this book. Because this inner world impacts our physical health. And I still don't think we realize it enough. But there is a cost. There's a cost to thinking the world is against you.

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7:46Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.