The Keys To Having A Healthy Relationship | Nedra Glover Tawwab EP 225

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:52What does it say about us when we are constantly in trigger mode? Not saying we shouldn't have a wide range of emotions and feel sad or disappointed and let down. But when it's like a constant triggering, what does it say about the human who is being triggered? The human who is being triggered, I would almost equate it to a tantrum. You know, sometimes when we are tantruming as adults, we don't have the language. We don't have the capacity to feel. So it comes out in these really big moments of like rage and anger and, you know, maybe crying, but crying in this very like angry and disturbed way sometimes because we may feel out of control in one area.

1:39And now we're driving and we're yelling at this other car when really it's I hate my job. Right. That's the issue you're having is I hate my job. And you're taking that out on this other thing. There are so many things that we sort of displace onto these other factors that we think we can control. Maybe it feels safer to have road rage than to think about the situation with your job, to think about the situation with your family. And so we put that energy, you know, where we feel like we can. And not in a conscious way. I think it's very unconscious. But when I see people with road rage, when I see people being triggered constantly, I do wonder what is going on?

2:28Is it I feel constantly disrespected? Ah, OK. So there's one person did it in this, you know, small mistake kind of way. And now this bigger thing is coming up. Who disrespected you? Who named them? Who is the person? Because it's not this person. but we often we displace that because we try to compartmentalize. I lived that way for most of my life. Until 10 years ago, I opened up about being sexually abused. In life, I would get easily triggered when I felt like I was being taken advantage of or abused by the littlest things. It's just I would get so reactive and be angry, but I never addressed and amended that original moment that caused that pain.

3:12That was an open wound that I just kept living in. And I tried to put it back. I tried to forget about it. I tried to say, I wasn't that big a deal. And it caused a lot of suffering until I addressed it and faced it. So I love that you mentioned that. Like, you've got to go back and figure out who's the one who disrespected you in the first place. Name it. Say it. Call it out. Talk about it. How do we really learn to process the healing? How do we learn to face it and actually heal? Because for me, it took a couple of years of processing and healing that wound. And also, do you think it's possible to heal on your own?

3:47I'm going to start with the last question. Hopefully, even if we're doing it without therapy or a coach or, you know, some spiritual support, we have a friend. So are we alone? Never. There needs to be someone in place, right? Right now, whether that is a mental health provider or your best friend, there needs to be someone to support you on that journey. There are some type of types of healing that it's very hard for us to do on our own. And that's why we haven't done the work. We don't know how to do the work. Yeah, we don't know how to do the work. And in that case, you know, a self-help book, it's going to be informative, but it's not going to put you in the place that you need to be in.

4:33You could read 50 self-help books and you might not do the work on your own. So those are the times where you notice like, I know these things, but nothing is happening. Can you be fully healed? Can you, is there like a time frame? I don't think so. I think some stuff is ongoing. I think some stuff is forever painful. There are things that we will forever grieve about, you know, maybe parts of our childhood or not having certain things that we wanted or the loss of, you know, a particular person. There's not this happy ending. Things get better for everything in life. We think about it less often.

5:17We're less triggered. We're less maybe moved to tears and other things, you know, maybe never. Maybe every time I mention my grandmother, I'll tear up. And that's okay. You know, I think sometimes that pain shows us love. That pain shows us how much we cared about having, you know, a solid childhood or how much we cared about, you know, losing this particular thing. So it's not always bad. I think what's more important is the meaning you give to the experience, the meaning you give to the situation. You know, once we deal with something, it's not like we will never go back to it. You know, there's this ebb and flow.

6:02And I think as humans, we have to allow ourselves that grace to not get into the spirit of perfectionism or done or complete. I think that's great for a paper, but it doesn't work in real life. I think about people who may have been hurt in past relationships. There was, you know, maybe a lot of infidelity or there were, you know, my parents, I could never trust my parents or I had this thing. And that thing sticks with them. And every person that they try to be in relationship with has to deal with that. Or they don't even try to be in relationships anymore. You know, there is this ability for us to change our futures and to think about, you know, those things as experience, not necessarily how our lives will end up.

6:57Just because you have this situation in your family and a dating relationship, it doesn't mean the next thing will be like that. It's hard to trust the next thing will be different. It is. And that's where we get to, if I can't learn to trust on my own, I might need someone to help me learn to trust. But, you know, I'll tell you with trusting, the really hard part is trusting. That's the only way to trust, is to believe that someone can be there for you, to believe that this experience can be different. Trust is hope.

7:47Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

8:37Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.