The Mindset Mentor: How To CONNECT To Your FUTURE & ATTRACT Your Dreams Effortlessly (It's SIMPLE!)

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11Why do you think so many people are judgmental of others? I mean, I could tell you from myself and I could tell you from a lot of people I've worked with is I think we have low self-worth. It was easy for me to bring somebody down because it made me feel better about myself. Right. And it's easier in the moment to be like, oh, yeah, screw this person. Oh, yeah. Whatever it is that I'm jealous of, whatever it is that they have that I don't have. my low self-worth they came from and I could tell you where it came from from my dad not being around because I didn't feel like I got my dad's love my dad was was an alcoholic and so he wasn't really around he passed away when I was 15 for being an alcoholic I ended up finding this out like years down the road when I started working on myself that I felt like I came second to my dad's love to alcohol we cared more about drinking than spending quality time with you when in reality as an adult right now that I can look at I was like he had traumas that he never overcame but I felt as a kid, he loves alcohol more than he loves me.

1:02That's why he's not showing up for me. And so that's the thought, the subconscious thought that I had. I never was aware of until my 20s. And so what happened was I, because I felt second to him, I felt second to everybody else around me. And so how do I make myself in the moment feel better than everybody else? I wouldn't say anything bad to somebody's face. But in my head, I would judge them. I would be jealous. I would want what they had, whatever it might be, because I need to make myself in this moment feel better than the other person around me because I just never overcame that pattern at that point in time of feeling like I was second.

1:37So the way that I make myself not feel second and feel better than and feel number one was I would judge everyone that was around me. How did it make you feel when you judged others? And what is that? What do most people feel when they're in judgment of other people? I mean, we think that it's going to make us feel better if it makes us feel worse, right? I never felt like, man, I'm so glad I judged that person, right? Right. I never felt that way. And so I was like, I feel like what happened with me is it was it was like a momentary like hit of dopamine. OK, I'm better than this person. But then in reality, it made me feel more disconnected from people.

2:08Right. So I felt more disconnected and I started pushing my feelings away for years and years and years. There was a moment where I finally came and understood, like, I put my walls up so much that I'm letting nobody in at all. And it was ruining all of my relationships. And so I think what I did was I would judge other people first. I would try to cut them down in some sort of way because I was so afraid of being vulnerable and being seen. Because in my mind, I thought with what happened with my father, like you can't trust being close to somebody. Like someone who loves you is going to leave you.

2:43And so you can't let somebody in because that's just, you know, when you look at the root word of vulnerable, it's vulnerar, which means to be wounded. right I didn't want to be wounded so I would put up these walls and there was a moment in my life where I was like do I just have no feelings I actually thought that at one point yeah I was like do I not have feelings for people years down the road realize I have so much feelings I think a lot of people feel this way I've had people one lady specifically I remember she's like I have no feelings towards anybody and I was like actually I think it is as you have so many feelings you're afraid of what what could happen if you let them out wow like I'm like I'm about a half a second away from crying my entire life.

3:19Like I feel things so much. I swear to God, this is a true story. I was on the way over here and I was listening to Louis Capaldi or whatever his name was. And I started thinking about like how amazing life is. And I started tearing up on the way over here because I was like, I'm so grateful for everything that I have. So I think I'm so close. And I guess my mom, my mom's very emotional too. Like I'm so close to like emotions pouring out. And as a man, like we're taught a boy, you know, big boys don't cry, especially in sports, right? So we build up walls, build up walls. Things happen with my dad.

3:47I build up walls. I build up walls. But then I get into relationships. Ruined every one of my relationships with women because of it. And so when I started working with my wife on it, like I had to, okay, she's getting close. I need to be okay with her getting close, you know? So how did you break the pattern with her versus ruining all the other relationships? Yeah. I can literally look back on all my other relationships before her and be like, yeah, I screwed that up. Yeah, I screwed that up, right? And I think that's the point of relationships. And the point of everything is to screw things up so that you can try to get better.

4:15Screw it all up so you can figure it out. And so with her, luckily, she's incredible. And the thing I love most about her is she just gives love, right? And she's this space of love. And we went to a friend who is in Austin about two years into our relationship, and he's a couples therapist. And he's like, hey, if you and your girlfriend want to come by, just come on by. And I was like, cool, that sounds fun. Let's see what it's like, right? And what he ended up talking to us about is like, we have two different love styles. Like there's the love languages, which is important. but we have two different loving styles which is hers is an anchor which means like she's good she's she's in love like she's she's good in love she shows love you know both her parents are still together so sure there's there's that aspect of it she's secure right that would be and she's very secure me on the other hand is I was what he calls an island which is like I'm okay with being alone and so the one thing that he said to me that that was really interesting is he's like he's like it's not just about how you relate to each other, like mentally and talking to each other.

5:12You also have to be very aware of your nervous systems. And Rob's nervous system lights up whenever you come in too fast. Like with someone who's an island, you take time to warm up in someone's presence. So that was one thing that really helped us is I'd be sitting, working, trying to grow the business and stuff. She would come in with all this love and I'd be like, red flag, red flag, red flag. Like, you know, someone's attacking the fort. Just loving you. Just by giving me love. Wow. because it was like, I don't know if this is safe, right? Because I never felt safe with that, right? And so what happened was we started learning like, okay, it takes me a little bit longer to warm up.

5:47So there'd be a few minutes where she would come in, she talked to me and stuff, and then she started giving me love and it was like, oh, now I can receive this. And so for me, it was just like understanding like, okay, there's hers love style, there's my love style. There's definitely five love languages that go in there. And really, I think it's more the else is like, when I look at like what love is, We see love on TV as head over heels, and it's more lust than anything else, and you fall for each other. There's so much love. What I think love is is feeling safe in the presence of somebody else where you know you have so much to work on and they have so much to work on, and I feel safe in my wife's presence to work on all of my childhood trauma with her, through her, and being able to try to rewrite that story through her.

6:45Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:35Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.