The Secret To Manifesting Your Best Life | Mel Robbins EP 223

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023 mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:50I think the law of attraction and manifesting are the same thing. Law of attraction, for everybody who has not read The Secret, is simply your thoughts become things. And it's true. We've talked all about how when you have a negative self-talk, it tends to draw more of that to you. I think about it like lint in a dryer. Once negative stuff starts collecting, it collects a lot more. Part of the reason why negative self-talk is so crippling is not only because you've repeated it for so long and now it's a pattern, but it's also because you have a filter on your brain called the reticular activity system.

1:28Now, the RAS has one job, and the job is block out 99 % of what's going on and let in 1 % of what's going on. So your RAS has a monster job. It's like a bouncer at a bar. You're not coming in. You can come in. There are only four things that automatically get through the bouncer in your brain, the RAS. Number one, your name. So you've experienced being in a crowded place and somebody's like, you think you hear Lewis, and you're like, huh? Somebody called my name? That was the bouncer in your brain. The second thing that always gets let in is any threat to your safety. So there are loud noises all the time, but only ones in close proximity make you go like this.

2:05That was the bouncer in your brain letting it in. The third thing that gets let in is when you sense that your partner is interested in sex with you or somebody else. And the fourth one, and this is where, this is the billion dollar thing that everybody needs to know. the bouncer in your brain lets in whatever you think is important to you. Before you thought about buying a Tesla, you drive down the road, you don't really think about it. The second you're like, you know, I think I'm interested in a Tesla. What do you see everywhere? Teslas. Yes, everywhere. Everywhere. My husband just bought a pickup truck.

2:42I never even noticed him. Now I'm like, there are baby blue pickup trucks everywhere. What is going on? That's the bouncer in your brain. So when you get intentional about telling your brain what's important to you, like I'm interested in a Tesla, your brain's literally like, oh, let's let all the Teslas in. Come on in. Here's the downside to this. If you have told yourself that you are a bad person for the last 10 years, guess what your brain thinks is important? Examples that mean you're a bad person. Right. I'm here to tell you that when you get intentional about what you want to think about yourself it changes in real time what your brain lets in and what it doesn't and the only way to get a handle on it is to start acting the opposite like high-five yourself even though you don't feel like it interrupt the crap that you keep saying put your hands on your heart and settle your body down I am constantly training my mind to work for me.

3:46A high-five attitude is the ability to catch yourself when you're going mentally low and to flip yourself back up into a high-five attitude. So the thing about negative self-talk is that it is typically something you've engaged in since you were yay high. and in addition to it being wired into your brain it is also something that can get triggered by your nervous system in stressful situations i can't just say stop thinking you're fat and start thinking that you love your body right it's not gonna happen yes it's not gonna happen right right so you've got to go oh there i am i'm trashing the way that i look i'm telling myself that i'm overweight i look like i'm hideous nobody's gonna love me be like five four three two one i am not thinking about that it's an act of defiance the first step is you got to do the awful part of getting self-aware of what the voice is saying you just start to notice that you have a thought that's not helping you you can't control that it popped up but guess what you can do you can smack it down see I want you to go from these negative thought patterns to a more positive, empowering high five attitude.

5:04Because if you continue to live in, I'm fat, I'm unworthy, no one's going to love me, I've screwed up my life, that will be your life. Change your thoughts so you stop the 24-7 beatdown and learn how to lift yourself up so that you can face the things that are going on in your life and so that you can take the actions that you need to take to change your life. Because the reason why you're not changing is not because you're not capable. It's not because of the trauma or your past or anything else. It's because of the beatdown.

5:45All of these things are things that somebody does when they care about themselves, when they think they deserve to be treated with kindness, when they think they deserve support, and when they realize they need it. And when you start to build yourself back up, you'll show up very differently in other relationships. Absolutely. You know, if you tolerate this kind of treatment from yourself, you'll tolerate it from other people. It does begin with you. Like, if you stand in front of the mirror every single morning and you're like, I look like crap, I am not good enough, I'm unhappy with my life and then you step into a relationship and somebody leaves you on read and they ghost you for three days like you come to expect that because that's how you believe you think you deserve to be treated when you stand in front of a mirror and you're like hey you're awesome we got this I got you I know it's hard you know we're gonna go do this or hey this is a big day today I've got this huge presentation I am going to destroy this.

6:50You get into it. You're excited. Then you're creating momentum for yourself. The thing that I know to be true is that you cannot control the things around you. You can't control what's going to happen. You can't even control how your nervous system might respond or what thoughts might pop into your head. But you can always choose what you do next. here's what everybody gets wrong about manifesting everybody at least kind of in the mass market what you're trained to think about when you think about manifesting is vision boards should you have big dreams of course you should should you dream of building a mansion on the ocean if that's your thing yes should you dream of the log cabin yes if you want a lamborghini or the new ford bronco should you put yeah yes yes yes if you want the family if you want the body should you think about yeah absolutely here's where everybody goes wrong you dream about the end you make this gorgeous collage of all this stuff that has nothing to do with your current life that literally as you're sitting in your studio apartment with the cat box that hasn't been changed in two weeks no food in the fridge no food in the fridge and you're looking for a job and you're staring at a mansion going someday, it's going to make you feel like a loser.

8:14Because the gap between where you are and where you want to go, it seems insurmountable. And so what happens based on the research is when you only visualize the endgame, Lewis, it's demotivating. The way to visualize properly is to visualize the bridge between where you are and where you need to go. and particularly the horrible stuff. What you do by visualizing the bridge is you train your nervous system and your mind to do the hard work. So you should visualize not crossing the finish line, but what is it like to be at mile 12 when your batteries run out on your earbuds? That way, when you visualize the work, you are preparing your body for it So you're not resistant to it when it comes.

9:07So you are literally building up almost like this resilience and this muscle inside of you to do the work to get the thing. So yeah, create the vision board, but make sure in addition to crossing the finish line, you have somebody running in the rain. But let's detour into the lane of anxiety, of patterns and trauma, and talk about why people self-sabotage. people don't self-sabotage intentionally nobody wakes up in the morning and says today i'm gonna screw up my life right that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna drink myself on the ground i'm gonna cheat on my wife i'm gonna embezzle for my company i'm gonna lie to everybody about how i'm actually feeling i'm gonna stop taking my meds i'm gonna kick the dog like nobody does that what happens is people get triggered and then they fall into old patterns.

10:04If your nervous system is on edge, it's in a like alert state, you're dysregulated. It's impossible for your cognitive function of your brain to work. If you have that stored in your body, something happened to you, something happened to you, something's wrong, something's wrong because something was wrong and you don't have the tools to smooth out your nervous system and heal the trauma, that trauma lives in your body. I believe most self-sabotaging behavior that people continue to repeat is nothing but stored trauma and your best ability to cope with it when it was happening. If you don't get a hold of that story, I'm worthless, I'm unlovable, I screw everything up, I'm a bad person, I'm not good enough, nothing works out for me.

10:53If you don't change that and start cheering yourself forward, you will stay locked in these self-sabotaging patterns. And so there's a tool that I talk about in this book called high-fiving your heart. And so I started doing this thing where I would put my hands on my heart, like right in the center of my chest, take a deep breath. And then I would say, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. If you can say those things in this moment, it's true. And what would happen as I was doing this, high-fiving my heart, is you're pressing on the vagus nerve. Like that's what you're actually toning. That's the same thing that Wim Hof is teaching with the ice bath.

11:33You're toning your vagus nerve. And what the vagus nerve is, as you very well know, because you talk about it on the show, is it's the switch between your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. So if you ever find yourself in a stressful state, give your heart a high five. Put your hands on your heart, go, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. Repeat it 111 times if you need to. What you'll feel is you'll feel your nervous system start to settle. You have been taught to believe that jealousy is a bad thing. jealousy is only a bad thing if you wallow in it and let it kill you jealousy is a great thing if you understand it you can only be jealous of the things that are meant for you i'm not jealous of somebody who lives in a penthouse apartment in new york city i don't want that right now jealousy is blocked desire and it builds when you don't take action toward it and so you aim all this stuckness that you've created because you will not give yourself permission to take action.

12:37Why? Because you don't think you're worthy. You don't think you deserve it. You think you're too late. The negative self-talk in the mirror stops you dead in your tracks. And so you become buried alive in jealousy. So no, you've got to give yourself permission to feel jealousy and then just unpack it. Well, what is it that I'm jealous of? Either take action and go earn it and do it your way or let it eat you alive. Those are your two choices. Because the other thing about desire and the things that are meant for you, they never leave you. I want you to find one naturally occurring heart shape as you go through your day.

13:15I saw this in your book. Yeah. It could be a stone. It could be a leaf on the ground. It could be a cloud shape. It could be a coffee stain. It could be an oil stain on the floor of a garage. It could be a spot on a dog walking by, I want you to tell your mind, let's find a heart. Let's see if we can find a heart. And something weird is going to happen. You're going to see something. And then I want you to literally supersize what's going on in your brain. And what you do is when you see the heart, I want you to then take a moment and literally congratulate yourself, like feel like, oh my God, I found it.

13:52Like whatever you believe in God, the universe, like greater connection. You put that there for me and I found it. And I want you to feel this kind of wave of, that's kind of cool. I just saw a heart. When you get your nervous system celebratory involved, that makes your brain really pay attention. Just like trauma makes your brain pay attention. It does. So you supercharge the experience by celebrating it and then look for another one in a row. I see hearts all day long. And what happens when you start to play this game is you will start to realize You are walking by an entirely different world every single day because you're not looking for it.

14:33There are opportunities. There are signs. There are mile markers on your path that you are literally tuning in. And we can all sit in this moment, Lewis, and look back and see how the dots of our life connect us here. the coolest thing about practicing the high five habit this training of finding hearts and the high five attitude is that you start to ground yourself in the idea that this too is a dot on the map of your life and it is leading you somewhere incredible and when you start to have that kind of high five attitude that there are signs whether it's the little hearts that you're now seeing or it's your ability to catch guilt or people pleasing or insecurity or the negative self-talk and be like, nope, not going down.

15:23Not thinking about that. Five, four, three, two, one. Let's get that high five attitude back. I can, I can do this. I can have my own back. It's not going to be perfect, but I can keep going. I am so excited for you to finish the rest of your day strong. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description and it'll take you to the full episode of my other show, the school of greatness. Make sure to come back tomorrow for another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.