Thrive In Your Relationships By Doing THIS | Jillian Turecki EP 809

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11I think growth is very important. Everyone grows at different speeds and they grow differently. So whereas therapy has been very impactful for you, for someone else it might be something different, right? There's many paths doing something, right? And I think that people grow at different speeds. And I do think that you have to love someone as though they would never change. Though the funny thing is we want everyone to sort of evolve, you know, because some people will say they'll go on like, you know, a retreat or do ayahuasca or do something and be like, oh, my God, like all of this, you know.

0:49And the other person's like, whoa. And then that doesn't mean that the other person is not growing. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, we're going to be triggered. And that inner child is going to come out screaming. You know, we're going to have to apologize. I mean, being in a relationship means that you have to know how to forgive and forgive often. Because oftentimes we will make mistakes with the person we love and we didn't even realize that we were doing that. I mean, how many times have you hurt someone's feelings and that was not your intention? The problem is that most people enter couples therapy when it's too late.

1:22When there's just too many problems and too many things to unpack. I mean, yes, it can work. You know, it can help. But if you can do this stuff preemptively, it's huge. Anything to prevent resentment, anything, you know, to foster honest conversations, you're going to win. Even if you end up breaking up, you're going to still win because at least it won't be the kind of breakup that destroys you. And that will hold people back from opening their heart in the next relationship. I see it all the time. People are walking around so wounded and so closed. every relationship you've ever had had one thing in common, and that was you.

2:02Just like every relationship I've ever had has one thing in common, that's me. It's not that all of them cheat. It's that you keep choosing cheaters. It's not that all of them are narcissists. It's that you're choosing the narcissist. It's not that, you know, all of them are this or that. You're choosing them. You're part of that. It's such an uncomfortable truth because people don't want to see that in themselves. but it is the path to your freedom, 100%. Every relationship we have ever had has been a mirror, and it shows us where sometimes it reflects back to us where we've done a lot of work, and it's lovely.

2:42Sometimes it reflects back to us how wonderful we are, and oftentimes in our past, if it hasn't worked out, it's going to reflect where our self-worth is, where our immaturity is, where our trauma is. every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves period end of story and if you can't if one cannot actually accept that they're just going to keep repeating patterns guaranteed guaranteed if your picker is off and busted because mine was off for years yeah because you know like whatever you're addicted to the chaos or daddy did this or mommy's familiar.

3:25It's of course it's familiar. And this is, this is very real. I don't mean to say it cavalierly. I mean, it's real. You have to recondition yourself to understand what a healthy person is and go for that and become healthy yourself. Cause most toxic relationships, of course, there are abusive relationships where there is actually a very clear victim and a very clear perpetrator. But most of the time, what people refer to as toxic, which is just an overused term in the current zeitgeist. But when people refer to toxic, it's two people with consistent, because we get unregulated once in a while.

4:01That's called being human. With consistent, unregulated emotional states, blaming each other for each other's pain and not taking responsibility. You did this to me. You made me feel this way. What you did hurt me. And they're constantly unregulated. That's toxicity. Now, I was in my 20s in a horrendous relationship. Talk about chemistry. Because once you have chemistry with someone, you're screwed. And the thing is, if you haven't done work on yourself, you're going to have that chemical explosion with the one person who's bad for you. And oftentimes, the person who's the best in bed is the person who's the worst for you.

4:39So I remember in my 20s, I was in a relationship with someone for about a year who, without question, is toxic. Like, there's just... Right. You could feel it. You knew it. Everyone knows it. They're like, what are you doing with this guy? Yeah, I mean, every... He's treating you this way. Everyone knows it. It's just, it's a fact, right? Where's the toxicity in me and the low self-worth and all of that? Because the thing about being in a very unhealthy relationship is the two people really bringing out the worst in each other. To the point that when that relationship ends, part of getting over that relationship is trying to overcome the shame that you feel for like even going there.

5:17Yeah, I was there. How long of a life did I have with this person? The time and the energy and why would I, how could I do this? And what was I think? The shame, the guilt, right? Yeah. And also just some of the things that you did. How did I do that? How did I react this way? Yeah. Like my boundary that I do or like that thing that I said, like, yeah. Build that emotional intimacy first. Well, what if the sex is bad? You know what? You can work on it. and when you're making out with them, you know anyway. You can have some idea. You feel a connection by making out. Yeah, you know there's chemistry from a kiss, period.

5:48Exactly. So you don't have to go there. I tell people all the time who have that pattern of always just dating emotionally unavailable people or people that have been wrong for them and usually that person doesn't have the self-esteem necessary to be in a relationship with someone who is going to respect them and love them but I tell them just practice. go towards boring exactly go towards that person so that you can have an experience of being in the presence of someone who you could potentially date and you can just be totally yourself 100 % yourself yeah no errors no strategizing to get someone to be more interested yeah you can flirt and do all that fun stuff but no strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you just you.

6:36And that is, I mean, that's like revolutionary for some people.

6:55I am so excited for you to finish the rest of your day strong. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description and it'll take you to the full episode of my other show, The School of Greatness. Make sure to come back tomorrow for another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.