Transform What Triggers You | Dr. Phil EP 243

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:51If the other partner is always triggered by the emotional stress or maybe there's some trauma they haven't healed yet or dealt with where they resist it or they just try to lie, like how do you approach that conversation? You have to talk about that outside of crisis. You don't talk about it when something has gone off in the ditch. You don't talk about issues and resentment while you're angry with each other. Talk about it while things are calm. And most people think, no, no, no, let sleeping dogs lie. I don't want to bring up an issue when there isn't one. No, that's when you need to talk about it.

1:25That's when you need to say, look, while we're getting along, let's make an agreement that If I do something that really gets on your nerves, you will tell me and I promise to you that I will hear you out. And that's the time to talk about it. Don't try to solve problems during crisis. Yes. Make your plan outside of crisis. We have agreed that our objective when we disagree is not to get the other person to agree with us, but to be heard. In fact, you don't even need to respond. I'm going to tell you how I feel and you tell me how you feel and then we'll just walk away and let that sit with the other person.

2:09And you know what? If you really love each other and you really want to make the other person happy, most of the time you will find a way to get the other person most of what they want. But if your goal is you're going to agree with me, I'm going to make my point and you're going to agree with me, then you're making it a win-lose situation. Think about that. Think about when you were in high school and you were playing the Lancers. What were the signs in the hallway? Crush the Lancers. You'll smash the Lancers. Do you really want a win-lose situation with your partner? Let me tell you how I feel.

2:46And I just want to be heard. I'll hear what you say. And I'll let you be heard. And then let's drop it at that. And then we can come together and talk about it another time. If that's your objective to be heard, it will work itself out. What is the mistake most people make when they have kids? Well, they really stop focusing on their role as husband or wife. And they start being totally focused on the kids and they stop carving out time for each other. Now, there are going to be times when you do, like when the children are really young and you're up all night. You're breastfeeding or changing diapers or dad's getting up every other minute or mom's up every minute and you're surviving those times.

3:30I'm talking about across the years. You recognize that those kids come and then they go. And when they go, it's the two of you there. And if you haven't known each other for the last 18 years, when they leave, you're going to be sitting there looking at somebody you used to know. And you don't want that to happen. But if you were really great lovers and intimate and best friends 18 years ago, and you haven't been for the last 18 years, and then they go off to college, you're sitting there looking at somebody like, didn't I used to know you? Wow. Don't ever make that mistake. Don't ever let that gap come in there.

4:07Now, in short term, of course, you sacrifice for your children whatever it takes for them to flourish and be nurtured and do what you take. But across time, across the years, you remember to nurture that relationship between the husband and wife. You remember they're going to leave someday and it's going to be the two of you. Take care of that relationship so when they leave, you're not sitting there with a stranger. How can they start to think differently and believe themselves when they've never seen the results or evidence that they deserve more? Really small changes accumulate across time.

4:46Absolutely. You know, you and I are sitting here right now in September, and people are listening to this whenever you're going to drop this. And the rest of this year is going to go by whether they're doing something about it or whether they're not. Right. Let's say there's 12 weeks left in this year. Those 12 weeks are going to go by whether somebody spends it losing a half a pound a week, setting a goal to look up a college curriculum, to explore a different job. to redefine their relationship with their spouse, to re-engage with their children. Whatever it is, making a small change each week or each day, it's astounding how much those small changes accumulate to big differences in a short period of time.

5:36We don't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Just make a little difference today and another one tomorrow. And then before you know it, wow, I'm really in a different place. And that time's going to go by whether you're doing something about it or not. Absolutely. So you might as well be doing a little something.

5:58Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation. And I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

6:56Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

7:11Thank you.