Transform Your Emotional Triggers And Achieve Lasting Happiness | Dr Phil EP 450

0:28I am so grateful for you. community. All you have to do is go to lewishouse.com slash giveaway. And that's where you'll get all the details about how you can be a winner. And again, we're choosing winners every single day for 10 straight days. 10 days of greatness is my way of saying thank you for a decade of greatness. So what are you waiting for? Head to lewishouse.com slash giveaway and enter the giveaway right now. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

1:09If the other partner is always triggered by the emotional stress or maybe there's some trauma they haven't healed yet or dealt with where they resist it or they just try to lie, like how do you approach that conversation? Well, I think the thing to do is you have to talk about that outside of crisis. You don't talk about it when something has gone off in the ditch. You never talk to a drunk about their drinking while they're drunk. You talk about it while they're sober. You don't talk about issues and resentment while you're angry with each other. Talk about it while things are calm. And most people think, no, no, no, let sleeping dogs lie.

1:43I don't want to bring up an issue when there isn't one. No, that's when you need to talk about it. That's when you need to say look while we're getting along let's make an agreement that if I do something that really gets on your nerves you will tell me and I promise to you that I will hear you out that's the time to talk about it don't try to solve problems during crisis yes make your plan outside of crisis I I think secondly, we have agreed that our objective when we disagree is not to get the other person to agree with us, but to be heard. In fact, you don't even need to respond. I'm going to tell you how I feel and you tell me how you feel and then we'll just walk away and let that sit with the other person.

2:35And you know what? If you really love each other and you really want to make the other person happy, most of the time you will find a way to get the other person most of what they want. But if your goal is, I'm going to make my point and you're going to agree with me, then you're making it a win-lose situation. Think about when you were in high school and you were playing the Lancers. What were the signs in the hallway? Crush the Lancers. You'll smash the Lancers. Do you really want a win-lose situation with your partner? No. Crush my wife. Smash my wife. You don't want a win-lose situation. Let me tell you how I feel.

3:16I just want to be heard. I'll hear what you say, and I'll let you be heard. And then let's drop it at that. And then we can come together and talk about it another time. If that's your objective, to be heard, it will work itself out. And that has really worked for us. We don't put it on a win-lose situation. Because if it's a win-lose, one of us is going to be the loser. and I don't want to be the loser and I don't want to be married to a loser. Right, you don't want to be winning and your partner losing every time. Yeah, because if she's a loser, that's where resentment comes from. And that's a hard thing to do.

3:50That's really a hard thing to do because we want to win. We want to make our point. We want to be right. Yeah, we do get to be right fighters and we want to be right. The other thing is, I think we really have to resolve that if somebody has to stop being all of who they are to be half of a couple, the price is too high. Oh my gosh, that's the greatest thing you said. Because so many people are inauthentic in their relationships. If I got to stop being who I am to be half of the McGraws, it isn't going to work. And if she's got to stop being who she is to be half of the McGraw couple, it's not going to work.

4:30I've told her before, because she said, I wish she would be more sensitive. And I was like, no, you really don't. Wow. You really don't. Wow. You think you do, but you really don't. Because you know what? You didn't marry a cheerleader. You married the middle linebacker. Right, right, right. And not that there's anything wrong with a cheerleader. And I mean that. I'm not saying that to be politically correct. There's nothing wrong with a guy that is more effeminate or more emotionally sensitive. but that's not what attracted you to me. And if I became that, that's not who you married. And had I been that, and then I became more of a gorilla, that wouldn't be who you married.

5:18You married me. And there's a reason you did. You felt safe with me, or there was something about me that you were attracted to. Don't try to change it now. But that doesn't mean that you You can't evolve across time. And I think I've learned to be less cerebral and more emotional across time, but you can't ask somebody to stop being all of who they are to be half of the couple.

5:56Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Daily Motivation. and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts. right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

6:46Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the daily motivation show.