Turn Fear of Being Alone Into Unshakable Confidence | Brené Brown

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:13When they would do things that I didn't really agree with, or they would bully other kids or make fun of people, it's like I didn't want to not say anything. I didn't want to stand against them because I wanted to belong. So if I did stand up against them, then that means I was alone. And that was my biggest fear, was being alone. Oh, yeah, because that's what teams and groups deliver. They deliver this thing that you're not alone. The problem is there's just, I was so shocked to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, who do I need to be?

0:49What do I need to say? What do I need to wear? How do I need to act? And changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are. It demands that we be who we are because if we, if we, if we fit in, because how we've changed ourselves, that's not belonging. That's not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people. And that's not sustainable. Yeah. You start to lose yourself. You start to lose yourself. Exactly what you said. And so I think it's hard. You have to show up as who you are. How do we find out who we are? That's the life's work, right? That's fricking hard.

1:29Um, you know who you are? Yeah, I do. Who are you? In what way? If someone just said, who are you, Brene, what would you say? Brene Brown.

1:46Mom, partner, researcher, storyteller, Texan.

1:54I don't know. I'd ask them how much time they have. because, you know, the thing is that we want to, when we ask people who they are and we want to know, we'd like those really easy files to put them in. Yeah, of course. But I'm a complicated person. Are you? Yeah, and so I think I know who I am. What makes you complicated? I don't know if I'm complicated, but I'm complex. You're interesting. I hope so. Very interesting. Yeah, some days, no. Very interesting. You know, I think what makes me complex is, I think what makes everyone complex is the paradoxical nature of people. So, you know, like I speak in public.

2:29I love doing that, but I'm incredibly introverted. I'm kind of a traditionalist around things. My kids say, yes, ma 'am, no, ma 'am. But I also raise them to challenge authority every time they get the opportunity to do that. But to be really polite when they're doing it. Yeah. So I think I'm unapologetically earnest. Like I believe in the goodness of people. but I believe it's hard work to stay out of fear and stay good. Yeah. And so I think I understand people. I think I have a lot of empathy, but I'm also not afraid of discomfort. So I think there's just a lot of push and pull. Sure. And I think that's true of all of us.

3:13I do not like to be defined. I think that's, I, I was going to say, I feel like my entire life, I didn't want to be defined as well. They were like, you're going to be this jock in college. You're going to be like this alcoholic. You're going to be in the frats. Yeah. All my siblings said this to me. And I was like, no, I'm not. I made a bet with each one of my siblings,$100 each, that I want to have one sip of alcohol in college. Because I was like, I'm going to go against everything you think I'm going to be. Yeah. I joined the School Musical because they were like, you're just going to do sports.

3:41I sang. I played guitar. I salsa dance. I was like, I'm going to do everything different than what people would expect of a tall white man. Right. That's awesome. I was like, I want to be different. Yeah. And I think in that process, I was like trying to discover who I really was, what I liked, my dreams, what, you know, what was fun for me. Yeah. As opposed to just trying to fit the box in the mold of everyone else, because you can lose yourself in that fitting in. I think you can lose yourself in the fitting in and you can lose yourself in the rebuttal to the fitting in. It's true. Trying to go against it.

4:09All true. Yeah. Yeah. It's really hard. I mean, it's this thing that it's, it's a quote that is braving. The wilderness is all about this starts with this quote from Maya Angelou. that we're never free until we belong nowhere, which we belong everywhere, which is nowhere, which is no place at all, which I thought was a terrible quote for many years. And I was like, why are you saying that, Dr. Angelo? You're pissing me off. But then I realized really the, and she says the cost is high, but the reward is great. And I think, I think that's the thing that I feel like I belong, everywhere I go, no matter where it is or who I'm with, as long as I never betray myself.

5:00And the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere.

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6:49Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.