Turn Your Worst Memories Into Fuel For Who You're Becoming | Dr. Charan Ranganath

0:00Dr. Charan Ranganath:When you invest with Fidelity Go, it does all the work for you. So while Fidelity Go monitors the markets, rebalances your portfolio, and tracks your progress to keep your investments aligned with your goal, you can invest your time however you want, all while paying no advisory fees under$25 ,000. Invest your money, not your time, with Fidelity Go. Get started at Fidelity.com slash go. Advisory services offered by Strategic Advisors, LLC, a registered investment advisor. Brokerage services provided by Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC, member NYSE and SIPC. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:41How can we use mental time travel to reverse a memory from a negative one to a meaningful one to support us in the present so that we make better decisions now and in our future? Sure. That's that is the big question. So we've got I give you 100 answers, but I'll give you like the shortest version, which is to keep in mind that that moment of mental time problem. I recall something. I hear a song and it just brings me back to my childhood. And I just flashback to like, I don't know, the summer of 1984 or whatever. I'm like 13 years old. Let's say it's not high school, junior high, but go with me.

1:22That's right. So I flash back to this period, terrible time in my life. I'm feeling bad. But then I keep in mind that that sense of mental time travel is just a few bits and pieces. It's a set of fragments. And then I'm making a narrative out of it. I'm making a story out of it. And that story is going to be shaped by my beliefs, right? You know, I'm not going to construct a story about things that were impossible that just could never happen, right? that pigs are flying around, unless I'm at a Pink Floyd concert or something. But I'm not going to construct all these things that couldn't have happened.

2:00So we impose our beliefs and our knowledge in the present, right? So if you go into this with the sense that I'm a failure or nobody likes me, you can certainly find that, find evidence for that in this memory. From your memories. Yeah, and you can build that story. But you can also find things that are inconsistent with that. And that was the big part that, I mean, that's why therapy, when I was doing, I only spent a few years doing clinical work in my graduate training. It was like six years, but it just dramatically influenced my way of thinking about things. Therapy work. Therapy work. Yeah, yeah.

2:36Because it's all about sharing memories. Interesting. And no matter what we were doing, what people, I had somebody, my first patient came in with a driving phobia. but even after he was okay to drive it wasn't really until we processed this big big memory of his that uh we really made progress but it's not about just recalling some traumatic memory because you can wallow in these memories and feel worse right it's about being able to see it from a different perspective to look at the same event but ask instead of going with your beliefs challenging your beliefs, right? So in science, Adam Grant talks about this, right?

3:15It's like you try to find the things that disconfirm your hypothesis and that's what we do in science. And so you can find that in memory if you look. But if someone is so wrapped into a self-loathing identity based on a story, they keep telling themselves, uh, this failure I had, this mistake I made, this, you know, this person abandoned me or treated me poorly, or I did something horrible that is unforgivable and I'm so ashamed of what I did. And you live in that story and that self belief and identity. And you're like, all the evidence is there. I did this thing or this person did this to me and it was horrible and wrong and no one should have to experience this.

3:52Yeah. How does someone shift the story so that they don't feel stuck in the past of traumatic memories, but they can distance themselves and see themselves from a distance from afar without them feeling the pain, but actually remove themselves and look at the situation and start to change the story for themselves? How do we start to do this practically? Is there any strategies or process that we can actually do? Well, it's really hard. I never want to tell because every time I talk about memory, four out of five people will say, oh, I have such a terrible memory, or this is really reassuring. I've been worrying about my memory.

4:32One out of five will say, how can I forget something? So there's a lot of people you're talking to with this question. And I never, when I talk to people face to face, it's always, it's hard. Because, you know, people will say, well, that's easy for you to say. And I agree, it is. But not that I don't have my own horrible memories that I get stuck in, right? But I think one key that you can try to do is context can be very important. Because context is a big cue for memory. So, for instance, when you go back to your childhood home, you would probably recall information from your childhood that you wouldn't recall in your house, right?

5:13So maybe you can keep your environment one that has reminders of things that actually would be countering these beliefs, right? So, like, I did this, I mean, and this is not all, like, humble brag. It's just like, but I got interviewed by the New York Times for the New York Times magazine. So my wife took the pages from it and got it framed professionally. And so it's on a wall in our hallway. And I was thinking to myself, God, people would probably walk by to the bathroom and say, this guy's such a jerk or something. So much into his ego or something. Yeah, exactly. But then I was thinking, that would be, that's a really good reminder that when I'm feeling down, hey, some people thought that what I did was interesting.

5:59And it counters. It gets me. And I can remember a specific event. That is key.

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7:39Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

7:51Dr. Charan Ranganath:When you invest with Fidelity Go, it does all the work for you. So while Fidelity Go monitors the markets, rebalances your portfolio and tracks your progress to keep your investments aligned with your goal you can invest your time however you want all while paying no advisory fees under 25k invest your money not your time with fidelity go get started at fidelity.com slash go advisory services offered by strategic advisors llc a registered investment advisor brokerage services provided by fidelity brokerage services llc member nyse and sipc