Why Accepting Your Relationship As Is Might Save It | Baya Voce

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

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0:52What is disillusionment in a relationship? It's this time and I think, and I say this now because oftentimes the change partner wants to keep changing, wants to keep changing because they don't actually, because accepting where they are is, it can actually be too painful. For some people, it's, it's, you realize like the relationship, like you're saying, it doesn't need as much work as you might think it does. For other people though, it's, it's actually sitting with, wait a second, this is not what I signed up for. And if I keep committing to change and the work, if I keep going into the work.

1:27I don't actually have to sit with, this isn't it. Or I don't have to sit with accepting exactly where we are. Disillusionment is the process of moving from hope that things will be different to acceptance that things are the way they are. And it may not change. That's exactly right. And do I want to be in this relationship? Is this the envision? As is. Is this the Disney fairyland romantic story that I envisioned living myself in? Well, let's hope that it's not because those don't exist. Exactly. Those don't exist. But if there is a way that you're holding on to hope that your partner is going to show up differently, do something differently, and you've done, you've asked the questions, you've gone to therapy, and they're not doing it.

2:10And you have to accept. First, you grieve. Oh, yeah. You're like, loss. This is not where I thought we'd be. This is not the relationship. I thought, oh, it is. It is so tough. And can I stay in this relationship? Now that I've invested years of my life and if I get out of this, I want to redate someone. And then what if that doesn't work out? The whole thing. The process of moving from hope to disillusionment, which is there is like, I actually have to release hope in order to see what's truly here. Grieve that and then understand if I am okay staying in this relationship as it is today, if nothing changed or reckon with the fact that this isn't the thing that I signed up for.

2:58And then do whatever work you need to do about that, which is often boundary setting and taking care of yourself. And if you can, if you take care of yourself over, you'll, you'll, it brings me back to something you were talking about where you were saying you did this three month period with this girlfriend, just continuing to show up the way that was in your work. You're focused on your work over and over again. As long as that's what you're doing, as long as you're sort of minding your own business and your work and you're setting boundaries and you're doing it more lovingly and you're doing, you're being open and you're, you're bringing the things that are yours to bring to the table and you're using eye language and you're taking responsibility and you're doing all, you're doing your part and nothing changes.

3:40Then you're out of the power struggle because the power struggle is the thing that keeps you in the hope that something will, will be different. And then you have a choice to make. That's exactly right. Do I accept this life or do I move on? Exactly. Can I accept the relationship and the person I've chosen to be with if nothing's going to change? Maybe there's a little bit in the future, but I can only hope, but there's not a guarantee. But every relationship goes through disillusionment at one point or another. Maybe it happens year one, maybe it happens year 10. And it's confusing because it feels like the end because it is.

4:15it is the end of a chapter uh my supervisor esther pharrell talks about this how she's been in multiple marriages but all to the same person yeah yeah i think that's a beautiful thought and i have friends who that's the same for them as well like they have been in relationship long enough that they have gone through multiple iterations of the relationship but they have had to let the previous version of their relationship die i would say i'm in that phase right now in terms of like you know before Martha you know before we were married it was a version of a relationship it was like we're traveling everywhere and doing these things and the thing you know after married she got pregnant very quickly so we're still traveling and doing certain things but it's preparing for a different future with children in mind we have twins on the way so it's preparing for you know a eight well really an eight-month process of pregnancy but then probably six to a year-long process of not, you know, to a full recovery, I guess, of like body shifting and changing for two years, essentially from, you know, growing human life to then recovering from that.

5:18And then your whole identity shifts from the moment you get pregnant to the moment you have kids that do different identity to getting back into day-to-day life as a mom. And it's a parent, like in a relationship, your identity is shifting constantly. Right. And you have to grieve a past. Absolutely. Even if you're okay with it not being there anymore and you're excited about the future, you still have to let go of it and grieve it and choose to accept what you have and be okay with it. Maybe you're not okay with it, but you have to choose if you want to make the most out of your life. Otherwise you're going to struggle.

5:53Absolutely. And then you stay in that for as long, for as long as you grip, you will stay in that contraction.

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6:59Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.