Why Boundaries Will Make Or Break Your Relationships | EP 890

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes, and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:11If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose, and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset, and I think you're gonna love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link in the description to get your copy today. I think setting a boundary like right away in a relationship, immediately, even before you start dating, can be a super good litmus test for how well you can communicate.

0:50So it's like we're talking about going on a first date. It's like, oh, by the way, I don't drink. So I'd love to meet you for happy hour. I'll just have like a tea and see if there's pressure. See if that is weird. See if they give you like pushback on that. So I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries in relationships just to see how you discuss them, how you each view them. Do they see it as selfish? And if so, can you have that conversation? Do they push back? How do they handle when you navigate that pushback? I think that can be really important. So I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids.

1:22So it is me, you know, saying to my husband, like, hey, I need a half an hour of alone time. I'm going to go to my room. I'll come back out, you know, after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed. Like when my son watches us do that, he recognizes that like in this family, it's okay to say no, that people don't get mad when you say no, that mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings. So we've been modeling healthy boundaries, but I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age and I have set boundaries on his behalf. So one of the earliest boundaries I set with him or for him was when you visit grandma or grandpa or Nana and Pop Pop and or Auntie Kelly and you don't see them very often.

1:57You don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to. We have to be polite and say goodbye and say thank you, but you can hug, you can kiss, you can wave, you can fist bump, you can make a funny face, you can, you know, high five, whatever you want, but you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to. And so we had this, like, issue once with my mom where she was like, I really want to hug. Like, I haven't seen him in such a long time. I only see him a few times a year. And I'm like, I get it, but he doesn't want to hug you. And, like, you need to respect that. And she did. And I recognized that it was disappointing for her, but also what I taught my son was that you have agency.

2:30And if you don't want to hug, you don't have to. You know, boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids. They do because they, you know, realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings, that boundaries are not about pushing other people away. They're about, you know, creating that sense of like family in a way that works for everybody. And I think they feel really safe. I think boundaries with yourself are so incredibly powerful. because they only rely on one person to hold them. Right. And you can immediately reclaim your time, your energy, your capacity, your mental health, your physical space and sense of safety.

3:08Like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself. The challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary, like what's going to happen? Right. If you say to yourself, I'm not going to check my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, which is one of my most beloved boundaries. and the one that I've said for many, many years and the one that I still hold to, if I do rule over and check my phone before I go to the gym and do my meditation, like nobody's going to jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand. But you're going to know. I will know.

3:39And what's going to happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to future Melissa. Really? I think about future me all the time. What is the decision that I'm making right now and how is it going to impact future Melissa? because current Melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more, you know, show on Netflix. But what will this mean for future Melissa? She's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time. And then she's going to fall asleep late. And then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep.

4:08And then when she wakes up tomorrow, she's not going to be pumped for the gym. And she might even skip it because she's going to be tired. If she skips the gym before she does this interview, she's like not going to be a good guest because she won't feel grounded and centered. When I play it out that way, it makes it a lot easier for me to be like, go to bed. Because future Melissa will benefit. So I have boundaries with myself where I'm not checking my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine. Not checking my phone in the half hour before bedtime. So I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time.

4:37I have really strong boundaries. When I'm out of office, I am out of office. Unless something is on fire, you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails. It's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything. And like, if I don't say yes to this, maybe they won't ask me again. Or who knows what this like lunch or coffee could turn into. Even something that I think I'm super excited about, it's like quick pause. Can you work this into your schedule? Will you have capacity to do this? What else is this going to push off your plate?

5:08And is that acceptable to you? What are the things you're going to have to make up when you get back home? And then once I think about that, I either say yes or no. And if I say no, it's because, again, I know I'm serving future me. I can be disappointed, but I can also be happy that I've checked in with my own needs. So that I think I've really dialed in on the last couple of years. And I think it's made a big difference in my overall capacity. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally. And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs.

5:42And to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person. If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me, the actions that I am willing to take in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy. We're in an argument and it starts to get really, really heated. And I say to you, please don't speak to me like that. It's really making me feel unsafe.

6:21I don't like it when you use those words. It's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand. And you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that, right? I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10-minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you. If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, could we change the subject, please?

6:52And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm going to go for a walk. Yeah, remove yourself. I'm going to leave the table, yeah. All of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly. And what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly. Right. A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive. There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

7:38Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

8:31Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

8:46Thank you.