Why CONFIDENCE Isn't Enough: You Need COMPETENCE in Love TOO | Matthew Hussey EP 628

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show

0:11What's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love or find someone that they you know their soulmate god what's the biggest mistake I think there's a something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have uh or that most people have when they're going out to date where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life that it shouldn't be difficult that they don't have to do anything that it's enough that they are just them and sometimes we feel like we're owed that and it kind of becomes an excuse again to be lazy to grow not to frankly it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love yeah no one cares i I think it's the same thing with work and people are entitled and it's a job.

1:03And so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice is, well, why do you need to do all of this stuff? Why can't you just, you know, go through life and when the time is right, you'll know. Why do you have to do all of these techniques? I'm happy with that criticism. If that's what you think you're not my audience because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money They're the same people that say you know what? If I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing It's not enough to have confidence in life.

1:38You have to have competence You have to actually know what you're doing and and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives There's something I come I came to understand. I was I remember once having a breakup It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. I was really really in a bad way over it And a while later I spoke to this to this woman on the phone. She had actually done something I didn't like And that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful And I remember going to her the next day and saying I think we need to break up. She then said to me Okay, that was when I knew she was breaking up with me It wasn't it wasn't you know when you think you're breaking up with them no no she was already doing she was breaking up with me uh and it was what was so painful about it is that she was she didn't mind uh i was i thought she might get upset i thought no she didn't mind and that was the most painful part about it so i i remember a while later we were on the phone and we were we became we're friends today we're very good friends in fact i had said to her on the phone why did we break up i said what what was it for you that i wasn't doing and I braced myself for the answer.

2:48She said, do you really want to know? Honest feedback. And I said, I literally thought to myself, wait, do I really want to know? And I said, I gritted my teeth and I went, yeah, I want to know. She said, you were boring. And it was so much worse than I thought it would be. Do you know what I mean? Like not, not just like, oh, well, you know, it was just, I was young and I was there and, you know, wanted to be free. No, you were boring. It was really cutting. and I remember resisting the urge to bite back and I said I wasn't boring exactly I said no you're shut up idiot just you asked the question so now listen so I said why was I boring she said when I first met you you were the most ambitious person I'd ever met and she said I never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it and she said it was so sexy she said but as we went into our relationship the more time went on the more that was all you were you were super ambitious you knew how to get what you want but it you were so one-dimensional you know it was all you did even in our free time you were just you're on the phone you're on your laptop you would talk about your business you were always talking shop there was never anything else you had to talk about we didn't do anything spontaneous we never went and had adventures it was just all one track and she said it got boring yeah she was right she was right there was nothing I could argue with and I realized something in that moment one quality can make you really attractive but it won't keep someone can make you get the person right it can make you sexy it can make you intriguing mysterious right but it can even for a time make someone worship or idolize you one quality but one quality will not hold someone because the reality was there was a flip side to ambition which would have made it eminently more attractive and there are a few right if you pair ambition say with an ability to enjoy life now that person is really super sexy you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity for example.

5:04Adventure. Very very sexy. Yes. Ambition on its own is when you look at it from afar very very attractive. You go women will say I want an ambitious man I like that but when they get up close if it's only one side to a coin it quickly becomes unattractive. Christopher Hitchens he once said about love that the to challenges in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves. That's a very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me. What happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it. You want to keep doing it and get better at it.

5:44And it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you train to the point of mutation. And then every other part of you has atrophied. now you have a complete imbalance. Here's the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating. To your point of what's the biggest mistake people make? Apart from, of course, the entitlement, it's over-reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation, success, confidence. I had come to over-rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age. Yeah. That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age.

6:32My business is going great. The people I grew up with in my age group are not where I am. Still living at home. But guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah. It's boring and it doesn't make an interesting, rounded, sexy person. But when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing. if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight not me but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing but in the right way not an arrogant obnoxious but just he knew how to play with her and then a couple of hours later you know maybe it's getting late he comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly he says you know what it's getting late I called you a car I don't want you walking outside and he says I have to go as well i have to get up early he takes her outside he gives her a little kiss he says all jokes aside i've had the best night with you tonight i'll call you later this week puts her in the car car drives away that woman will be going oh crap i like this guy now the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing it was because he was both.

7:47That's a unique pairing. And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. And there's a big, big difference.

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8:55Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.