Why Punishment Fails And What To Do Instead | Dr. Becky Kennedy

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0:42When is time to punish? To me, punishment is a me-against-you framework. I never want to punish someone I like. I just don't like them in that moment. Like, I've never had the thought. I never want to, quote, give someone a consequence. Now, that doesn't mean there aren't boundaries I'm going to set. But when I hear that question, it makes me think about the mindset they're in. And so to me, the answer is that mindset isn't going to be effective for the goal I think you're trying to achieve, which is change. So we only pull interventions from the mindset bucket we're in. And so when I notice parents speaking in a way that I really feel like is in an unhelpful, ineffective mindset bucket, I don't think what can we do in that bucket.

1:18I think we're in the wrong bucket. Let's get you to a different one. Right, right. I'm happy to walk through what we do instead because it's not just like kumbaya. Yeah. So let's say it's like my kid jumping on the couch or let's say something more egregious. Let's say they punched someone or they bullied someone or they're whatever. Something in the side. Let's say they bullied someone. And I was like, I really had evidence that my kid was like going up to this kid and they're like, you're a loser and nobody likes you. I don't know. Something like that. Someone filmed it. Who knows? Yeah. Exactly.

1:44Sure. I'm like, I guess this happened. Okay. First, I have to be like, how could this even be me and my kid against a problem? And I think the best way I do that, if I'm realistic with myself, is just like, we're all capable of all the things. And I'll be like, what would make me say something so mean to someone? And I'll say it, what? And I might be like, well, maybe I felt really insecure. Maybe I felt slighted by them. Maybe I've developed this role in a group where I feel like I have to be this tough guy. I don't know. But I guess that could happen. Yeah. Then if I punish my kid and I'm like, I can't believe you did that.

2:13It's not within the values of our family. And here's your punishment. First of all, our kids respond to the version of themselves. We reflect back. So I'm mirroring back to my kid like, you're a bad kid. Wow. And then I'm asking them to have behavior that would come from feeling like a good kid. Like you have to feel good inside before you act good on the outside. Come on. Come on. Come on now. Right? You do. So again, just counterproductive. You have to feel good inside. Before you can act good on the outside. I know act good isn't like good English, but it just like. No, it is. That's great.

2:42So if we feel bad inside, it's really hard to act good on the outside. That's right. Like think about your boss always being like, you're late and you're the worst and you don't do good presentations. You come to work the next being like, I'm going to crush it. Like, you're paralyzed by the way they're reflecting back who you are, if they're an important person in your life, right? So what would I say to my kid? Let me just be clear. I'm not saying, I would never say, oh, that probably was a hard day and there were reasons why you did that. Yeah, you wouldn't validate the behavior. I wouldn't end there and say, now let's go out to dinner, okay?

3:16I wouldn't. Like, I wouldn't be like, you know, cool. Here's what I'd probably say. I heard about what happened at school. Let me just start there. Something happened at school today. Never ask a question to any human being that you know the answer to. Because they know it's not a question. It's a criticism veiled with a question mark. And that is infuriating. So a question is only a question when you don't know the answer. So I would never start that. I mean, I would try not to. I'd say, I heard what happened at school. And I heard this thing. I saw this video. And like, look, before you go further, and I would say this.

3:46You might push back. You're a good kid. Like, if I can't hold that I have a good kid who did a bad thing, why in heck would my kid be able to do that? Because in order to reflect about bad behavior and understand it and change, you have to hold on to good identity. If those two things are collapsed, there's no good centered self to do the reflecting about the behavior. The bad behavior became of a bad person. You literally can't learn. If someone doesn't believe they're a good person, how do you build a good identity? I think you have to start by noticing all the ways you use your behavior to define who you are.

4:29It's what you did. And it's very important data to be like, what's going on for me? What am I seeking? What am I missing? But if you can't separate good identity, which does not justify bad behavior, it just creates a framework to understand and change bad behavior. You can't change. so I would I know you're a good kid and like I know like that's not a decent theory the way you want to talk to other kids like I know that which lets me know also like there's a whole situation going on I don't have anything about that kid I don't know if you've had a bad week I don't know if I'm just making this up I don't know if you've noticed um I've been saying some nasty words to your dads in our arguments and you've maybe you know been kind of stressed about that and picked up on that right like let's be honest they pick up on everything or you know I don't know but I I know there's a reason.

5:16And let me be clear, that doesn't mean it's okay. And I don't even think I've decided to, because I know you know it's not okay. But we're gonna work together to actually figure this out, because I know you're capable of being in a tricky situation with a kid and acting in a way you're proud of.

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