Why Women Get Bored With Monogamy Faster Than Men | Esther Perel

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11One of the fascinating things for me in looking at sexuality is that it's probably one of the dimensions of relationship that has changed the most in a very, very short amount of time. for most of history and in still the majority of the world. Sex is for procreation. Sex is a marital duty on the part of the woman. Nobody cares particularly if she likes it and how she feels and if she wants it. And men have the privilege to go and find sex elsewhere. In a very short amount of time, we're talking 60 years, we have contraception, which is the liberation of women for the first time to free sex from reproduction, from mortality, from death in pregnancy and in childbirth, sorry, all of that.

0:57And for the first time, sexuality moves from just biology and a condition to a part of our identity and a lifestyle. In 60 years. In 60 years. The women's movement, which goes after the abuses of power, the gay movement, which introduces the concept of identity to sexuality, the fact that sex is for connection and pleasure, The fact that for the first time we have sex before marriage and many times, a lot. We used to marry and have sex for the first time. Now we marry and we stop having sex with others. Monogamy used to be one person for life. Now monogamy is one person at a time. And people go around telling you, I'm monogamous in all my relationships.

1:39And it makes perfect sense to say, okay, all of that in a very short amount of time. The fact that I choose you to marry or to live together doesn't matter. commitment because I'm attracted to you because you give me butterflies in my stomach and the fact that I think that if I don't have these butterflies anymore maybe I don't love you anymore and the fact that sexuality in long-term relationships is rooted in one thing only desire I feel like it I want to not I have to not we want many kids after two kids the only reason to continue doing it with you is because we feel like it. And hopefully it's pleasurable, we connect, it feels good, it rounds up the edge, the whole thing.

2:25That's it. And hopefully it's at the same time and for each other. Because plenty of desire continues, but it's not always at home. Right, exactly. So this is an amazing revolution. Sex that is really... It's confusing all of us. And how do we sustain it? So that's why I became fascinated in the nature of erotic desire and how do we sustain desire? Because it is the first time ever that we have a grand experiment of the humankind where we want sex with one person in the long haul that is fun and connected and intimate and playful and we live twice as long. Go figure. Right, exactly. For 60 years, you're going to be with them or whatever it is.

3:06It's an amazing ideal. So how do we navigate this? If we're going to choose one partner and be with them until we're both gone, how do we navigate the challenge of keeping the desire continuously? Both men and women. Because the woman probably sees other men who are attracted to her and vice versa. So it's like, how do both parties do this? Look, we know that women get bored with monogamy much sooner than men. Wow. Is this a fact or is this a... That's research. Okay. That's not just fact. That is men's desire in long-term relationship goes down gradually. he actually is much more able to remain interested and maybe just because he's interested in the experience itself and he has a partner there women's desire post-marriage really wow and it's always been translated as well that's because women care less about sex rather than it's because women care less about the sex that they can have in their committed relationships which is often not interesting enough for them and it often has to do with the fact that the story the character the plot is not seductive.

4:14The romance, which is an essential ingredient of turn-on for the woman, often disappears in the long-term relationship. It's like when people look at each other at the end of the day, and you want to fool around? You want to do it? You're up for it tonight? Now, this is really not, this is not very much of a turn-on for most women. And the idea that foreplay often starts at the end of the previous orgasm, you know, and not five minutes before the real thing, which for her is not the real thing. The whole real thing is everything else around it. So it's actually a game. Yes. It's creating a game.

4:47It's seduction. It's a plot. It's a coming close. It's a tease. It's three. It's what animals call pacing. It's that I come to you, but I don't overwhelm you. I come just a little bit so that you can come a little bit toward me. And then I don't immediately answer. I actually go back a little bit too. Have you ever seen animals? They do this kind of pacing. and it is an essential playful ingredient of seduction and excitement. So women's desire plummets, but we interpret it as women are less interested in sex rather than women are interested in probably just about the same kind of things that many men are.

5:23But women have always known what to choose above what turns them on, which was what gives them stability and security. Safety, security, family, someone to protect, be there, right?

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