In short
The Daily Motivation - Episode Summary
Episode Title
Why You're Attracted To People Who Reject You Host: Lewis Howes Guest: Matthew Hussey Air Date: [Link to Full Episode](https://greatness.lnk.to/1865)
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Introduction In this episode, Lewis Howes hosts relationship expert Matthew Hussey to explore the psychological reasons behind why individuals are often attracted to those who reject them. The discussion aims to shed light on the internal narratives that drive such behaviors, making listeners question their own patterns of attraction and connection.
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Key Concepts
The Role of the Nervous System
- Fight or Flight Response: Hussey explains that many individuals do not feel a sense of love or passion towards consistent and kind partners because their nervous systems are conditioned to associate love with anxiety and unpredictability.
- Early Imprinting: These patterns are often formed during early childhood, where individuals learn to associate love with effort and chasing, leading to ongoing cycles of seeking out emotionally unavailable partners.
Familiarity vs. Safety
- Comfort in the Familiar: The discomfort felt in healthy relationships is often mistaken for passion. In contrast, relationships that involve rejection or instability feel familiar and thus safe, despite being unhealthy.
- Compassion for Self: Hussey emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, recognizing that these patterns are not a result of personal failure but rather a product of past experiences.
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Hard Conversations and Relationship Dynamics
- Crucial Conversations: Effective communication is key to developing real relationships. The failure to express needs or fears leads to stagnation in relationships and perpetuates unhealthy dynamics.
- Fear of Vulnerability: Many people shy away from difficult discussions because they fear the consequences, which often results in accepting less than they desire in relationships.
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Key Takeaways
- Recognition of Patterns: Understanding the roots of attraction to rejection can lead to healthier relationship choices.
- Embracing Hard Conversations: Developing the courage to engage in hard conversations is essential for building meaningful connections.
- Choosing Consistency Over Excitement: Learning to appreciate stability and kindness in partners can transform relationship dynamics.
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Additional Information
- Lewis Howes' New Book: The episode briefly mentions Howes' new book, "Make Money Easy," which aims to help listeners create financial freedom and abundance in their lives.
- Follow Along: Listeners are encouraged to engage with the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, join the Greatness newsletter, and explore additional content available through their platform.
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Conclusion In this thought-provoking episode, Lewis Howes and Matthew Hussey delve into the complexities of attraction, urging listeners to examine their relationship patterns and consider the importance of communication and self-awareness in fostering healthier connections.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.
0:11what is a woman truly saying if they say i don't like nice guys they're saying that my nervous system does not produce the effect that i call love around people who do not send it into some kind of fight or flight response wow it's there are when i am met with someone who does not make me chase when i am met with someone who doesn't make me feel i have to earn their love when i am met with someone who doesn't play games doesn't give me anxiety by being consistent for three days and then dropping off the radar for five or a week. When I am with someone who doesn't do those things, it doesn't feel like love to me.
1:14It does not feel like passion. It doesn't feel like fireworks. It doesn't feel like the thing that I think I'm supposed to feel. Wow. And, you know, there's obviously so much knowledge now on where those things come from and that there are old patterns in how we related to our caregivers or our parents or how they related to us that gets us used to a certain pattern. We get this nervous system imprint that is created at a very early point in life and we spend the rest of our lives replicating that if we're not careful. all so the the great kind of challenge i think for all of us and this this is true by the way of men too right how many men relentlessly chase after women who don't seem to want them right who reject them reject them who treat them like they're disposable yeah how many guys are playing the friend to a woman for years on end who picks them up and puts them down whenever it suits her and they're doing it for years on end this is not just a female pattern this is a people pattern why is it that we respond to people who treat us poorly why do we think we do because there is something about it that is known to us it is familiar it's it's familiar and we don't realize it we think it's we think we hate it i hate it i hate that this person doesn't want me and if i could just get this person to want me i'd feel good again but it what people often find is if that person truly turned around to meet you and gave you everything that you wanted from the beginning it would have felt strange that there's something in this dynamic that is in a weird way safe to you yes it doesn't make you feel safe but there's some kind of safety in the familiar and and that's not our fault we should exercise compassion towards ourselves for that because it's not our fault that these these really damaging and destructive patterns are things that we chase because that it this was created at a time when we weren't deciding our response systems to things it was we were in survival mode and you know there's a um i spoke to a woman recently i did a show recently where the host of the show said i really struggled to have hard conversations with people like if i have to have a heart and a big part of this book is like i have a whole section on how to have hard conversations because by the way every relationship is shaped is made in the crucible of hard conversations, right?
4:12Can you have the difficult conversation? Can you say the thing you're afraid to say? And can you express your need without fearing that if you do, something bad will happen? And so many of the times people end up in painful relationships or not even relationships, they end up in painful dynamics or they end up in limbo with someone where it never ends up as a relationship. is always casual is because they're afraid to have the hard conversations.
4:43I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following. And thank you for listening to this episode of the Daily Motivation Show.
5:26Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
6:16Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.
From the publisher
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Check out the full episode: https://greatness.lnk.to/1865
"My nervous system does not produce the effect that I call love around people who do not send it into some kind of fight or flight response." - Matthew Hussey
You meet someone. Three days of perfect texts, then radio silence for a week. Your stomach drops. You obsess. And somehow, that anxiety feels like passion, like this must be real love because it hurts so much. Matthew Hussey explains what's actually happening in your nervous system when you say you "don't like nice guys" or can't stop chasing someone who treats you like you're disposable. Your brain got wired early, probably before you could walk or talk, to associate love with having to chase it, earn it, and work for it. When someone is consistent and kind, your nervous system doesn't recognize it. It doesn't produce that fight-or-flight response you learned to call love. So the person who's actually good for you feels boring, while the one who makes you anxious feels like fireworks. And this isn't just women. Think about the guy who's been the friend for years to a woman who picks him up and puts him down whenever it suits her. He can't walk away because something about this painful pattern feels like home.
Matthew breaks down why relationships get made in what he calls "the crucible of hard conversations." The reason so many people end up stuck in limbo, in painful dynamics that never become real relationships, is because they're terrified to say the thing they're afraid to say. They can't express a need without fearing something bad will happen. So they stay silent, they accept breadcrumbs, they let things stay casual when they want more. The transformation isn't about finding someone who finally wants you back. It's about recognizing when your nervous system is mistaking familiar pain for passion, having compassion for yourself because this wiring wasn't your choice, and learning to feel safe with someone who's actually available. That means getting comfortable with hard conversations, with saying what you need, and with choosing the person who feels strange at first because they're consistent instead of the one who feels exciting because they're unavailable.
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