Are You Having Trouble With These Changes? | Practice Letting Go

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0:55Are you having trouble with these changes? It's a lot. Culture has changed. Technology has changed. Work has changed. Politics have changed. The environment has changed. And we're having trouble dealing with some of these changes, living with these changes that we didn't ask for. You know, maybe they could have been prevented, but what we forget when we complain about change is that it's always been this way. In fact, nothing has really changed at all, we can imagine Mark Cirulius reminding us, because change is a constant from his time to ours. Indeed, can you think of any time in history where culture was not changing, when technology wasn't changing things, when the economy wasn't shifting, when politicians weren't coming and going from office, when policies weren't falling in and out of favor, when the world around us wasn't changing, whether it was from storms or man-made causes?

1:56In fact, you wouldn't be here right now if not for those changes, as Marcus Aurelius points out in Meditations. We are here as a result of the ceaseless, merciless, but also sometimes wonderful river of change that flows through the world. And we are here because whether people liked all those changes or not, they figured out how to endure and survive and even thrive within it. We are here because someone protected us and took care of us during the scary changes that surrounded our childhood and our vulnerable years. And now we must figure out how to do the same, how to endure and survive and thrive, how to accept and accommodate, how to protect and stay good, how to stay sane, how to stay focused and flexible, how to change with all these changes.

2:43changes.

2:50We just took our kids to an outdoor performance at the Nutcracker. They had a snow cone and then they went insane in the car ride home. And one of the things I try to remind myself when that's happening is that I don't control my kids' behavior, especially when they're too far gone like that, but I do control how I respond, right? That's stoicism, but it's also what Dr. Becky talks about. Dr. Becky is a clinical psychologist and a best-selling author, and she founded Good Inside, which is there to give parents practical, actionable tools for handling those everyday challenges with confidence. My wife introduced me to Dr.

3:27Becky's books. I love them. I've recommended them a million times. I've had her on the podcast. And as it happens, Dr. Becky is hosting two live Q &A events for Good Inside members. I am one of them. She signed me up for it about a year and a half ago. I've loved it ever since. On December 1st, you can join Dr. Becky for her How Not to Raise Assholes event, which is about avoiding entitlement and raising kind, empathetic kids. And on December 15th, she's hosting her How Not to Lose It Over the Holidays event, which I'm sure we could all use. As I said, I'm a big fan of Dr. Becky. She's been a great influence for me as a parent and just as a human being.

4:08And Daily Stoic listeners can join for 15 % off with code STOIC15. You just got to head over to goodinside.com to catch the events. Thanks to Toyota Trucks for sponsoring this episode. When I bought my ranch in 2015 out here in Bastro County, I drove my car about halfway down the dirt road that we live on, thought this isn't going to work, stopped, parked it, walked the rest of the way home, borrowed my wife's car, drove in Austin and bought a truck. What I bought was a Toyota Tacoma. And this truck wasn't just transportation getting me to and from my house. It unlocked a whole different style of living for us, not just on the ranch, but in our little Texas towns.

4:51There were places I could go now that I couldn't go before, especially out here in the piney forests, through the fields, and on the unpaved roads like the one that I lived in. We got to go deep into the hill country's wild beauty. We've driven all the way out to East Texas. We've driven across the country. And by we, I mean not just my wife, but both my kids who I drove home from the hospital in that truck. Toyota trucks are built for those who understand that the best adventures happen when you're willing to veer off course, because you never know when you'll end up on a Toyota adventure detour.

5:29And of course, this is stoicism too, because every detour, every obstacle is an opportunity. But it's helpful if you can handle the difficulty inherent in that. If you've got the resilience and the right companion to make it wherever the road takes you, discover your uncharted territory. Learn more at toyota.com slash trucks slash adventure dash detours.

5:55Practice letting go. We suffer when we lose things we love. We suffer most when we lose people we love, a natural and unavoidable part of life. The Stoics say this suffering is increased by our belief that we possess the objects of our love, that they are, as we like to say, a part of us. This belief doesn't increase our love or care for them, but rather it is a form of clinging that ignores the simple fact that we don't control what will happen, not to our bodies, let alone to the ones we love. Epictetus taught a powerful exercise that every time you wish a Dear child, family member, or friend, goodnight, remember that these people are like precious, breakable glass, and remember how dramatically things can change while you sleep.

6:40Marcus, too, struggled to practice this with his own family as he tucked them in at night. The point isn't to be morbid, but to create a sense of appreciation and a kind of humility. Don't take anyone, especially someone you love, for granted this week. When you experience the pangs of losing someone, don't treat it like a part of yourself but as a breakable glass, so that when it falls, you will remember that and you won't be troubled. So too, whenever you kiss your child, sibling, or friend, don't layer on top of the experience all the things you might wish, but hold them back and stop them, just as those who ride behind triumphant generals remind them that they are mortal.

7:18In the same way, remind yourself that your precious one isn't one of your possessions, but something given for now, not forever. That's Epictetus, the discourses. But the wise person can lose nothing. Such a person has everything stored up for themselves, leaving nothing to fortune. Their own goods are held firm, bound in virtue, which requires nothing from chance, and therefore can't be either increased or diminished. And that's Seneca on the firmness of the wise. The reality is nothing is here forever. Things can be taken from us. The things we love can go missing, can get hurt, can be lost.

7:54The possessions we cherish can break, be stolen, be damaged beyond repair. where the Stoics wanted us to be prepared for this, not callously, not kind of detached. But if we think about this exercise of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus who are reminding themselves as they tuck their kids into bed that this could be the last time they see them. But the point of that wasn't to make the pain of losing the children. And Marcus Aurelius did lose many children before adulthood, which is an incredible expression to even be able to say. It's like more than five, probably less than seven kids. We're not totally sure, but had to bury not just one child, but more than one child.

8:33The fact that he did this exercise did not make that less painful. That's not what this is about at all. It's that he got every minute that he could with those children. When I think about tucking my children into bed and I do this, it reminds me not to rush through it. It reminds me not to prioritize getting back to Netflix or answering my email as somehow being more important than reading another story to my boy or just laying there listening to him sleep. It's to fully drink in and be present while we're here. So obviously, I hope that no one loses anyone, but I can't guarantee that. No one can prevent that fully from happening.

9:14That's just the reality of being a fragile human being. What we can do is not take those people for granted while they are here. What we can do is tell them what we feel about them while they're here. What we can do is be our best selves while they are here. And we can, when we do lose them or lose things, have to accept that this is a part of life. This is the bargain that we made at birth, right? Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is ours fully. And that these are all rentals and the bill comes due or they have to be returned at some point. I do recommend if you are struggling, if you have lost someone, you know, the Stoic doesn't say stuff that grief down and pretend that it doesn't exist.

10:01It's process it, work through it. I would strongly recommend some of Seneca's essays, his consolations. He wrote one to his mother. He wrote one to the loss of a friend who lost her father. You can also just Google Seneca grief daily Stoic. And I think our sort of piece on it comes up. But I've returned to those essays over and over again. Plutarch has a beautiful little consolation to his wife after they lost a child. The ancient world was cruel, but, you know, the modern world isn't that much kinder or less capricious. So be safe, be smart. You know, this isn't to say don't wear a mask and go around and be stupid.

10:38No, it's saying that do everything you can that's in your control. Just be aware that a good chunk of what happens is not in your control. and that's why we can't take anything for granted. It's why we can't rush through. It's why we can't waste time. Got to be there, be there for people, be there for yourself, be smart, practice letting go, be prepared and love, love, love while you still can. Also, there is a great Philip Larkin poem about, I think it's called The Hedgehog, about loving and being kind while there's still time. So if I leave you with one more recommendation, it would be that and we will talk next week.

11:39Thank you.

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