Do Not Miss This Reminder | This Single Word Will Give You Back Your Life

0:00You know, you don't have to let big wireless and your overpriced phone bill suck the joy out of the holidays this year. because right now all of Mint Mobile's unlimited plans are 50 % off. You can get three, six, and 12 months of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month. It's their best deal of the year, and it makes it really easy for you to give your expensive wireless bill the Scrooge treatment. All Mint plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text at the nation's largest 5G network. Plus, you can bring your current phone and number over to Mint. Actually, we just signed up for a Mint Mobile plan to use the social media phone here at the office and we didn't notice any kind of change in the quality of service or network or any of that just a whole bunch of savings turn your expensive wireless present into a huge wireless savings feature by switching to mint shop mint unlimited plans at mint mobile.com slash six that's mint mobile.com slash six limited time offer upfront payment of 45 for three months 90 for six months or 180 for 12 months plans required 12 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 35 gigabytes may slow when network is busy capable device required availability speed and coverage very cement mobile.com look if you're listening to this podcast you've probably heard of hellofresh right they're the number one meal kit in america they make home cooking easier with chef crafted recipes and fresh ingredients delivered straight to your door this fall they're serving up even more to love it's not the hellofresh you remember it's even better hellofresh is bigger they've doubled their menu you can choose up to 100 options each week.

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2:04There's no last minute trips to the store. Plus, the meals are delicious and easy to make. The best way to cook just got better. Go to HelloFresh.com slash stoic10fm to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. One box with active subscription. Free meals applied as a discount on the first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's HelloFresh.com Stoic 10 FM to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where each day we read a passage of ancient wisdom designed to help you in your everyday life. On Tuesdays, we take a closer look at these Stoic ideas and how we can apply them in our actual lives.

2:48Thanks for listening, and I hope you enjoy.

2:54Don't miss this reminder. Spring is the most beautiful of the seasons. Suddenly, after a dreary winter, the colors come back, the birds are out, the days last longer. The breeze is light and the air is cool. But as Philip Larkin's bittersweet poem reminds us, beneath this turning of seasons is a kind of darkness. As the poem goes, the trees are coming into leaf like something almost being said.

3:24The inherent message is about the passage of time. Each season brings new life, yes, but also marks the sensation of life. It's a painful truth. It's a painful truth, the poem says, that's written in the rings of a tree. Winter is dead and over, and all of us a little more so too. This notion serves as a gentle nudge, reminding us of the preciousness of every moment. It urges us not merely to exist, but to truly live, to seize each season and extract its full potential. Which is what we mean when we say here at Daily Stoic that it's time to spring forward. If you did our New Year New You Challenge, you heard us talking about that back in December.

4:07Well, we've got a new one for you. It's called the Daily Stoic Spring Forward Challenge. This is the time of year we're talking about spring cleaning. It's worth pondering, how often do we organize not just our physical spaces, but our minds, our routines, and our assumptions as well? Even if you just reflect on the last week, how many of those seven days were efficient and as productive as they could have been? Or did you find yourself wasting time overcomplicating things and falling back on old habits? Are you, like many others, still feeling the lingering effects of winter's inertia? Well, the Daily Stokes Spring Forward Challenge is designed to prompt introspection into those aspects of your life to help you scrutinize your choices, your relationships, and your habits, and help propel you towards a life of fulfillment.

4:53As Mark's really said, this is what you deserve. You could be good today, but instead you choose tomorrow. So the choice is yours. Are you going to let your New Year's resolutions fade into missed opportunities and continue with the status quo? or could you invest 10 days into self-improvement, create some runway for some genuine lasting change, challenge yourself with me and thousands of other Stokes all over the world to spring forward and become the person you inspire to be. And you can sign up right now at dailystoic.com slash spring. I'll see you in there. We're gonna do a bunch of awesome stuff, some Q &As with me, some great lessons, all kinds of great thinking on how to spring forward, Grab this next season and get the most out of it.

5:36And I'd love to see you join us dailystoic.com spring. And you can also join daily stoic life. If you've been thinking about doing that and get this challenge and all the other challenges we're doing for the rest of the year, plus a bunch of other awesome stuff for free. You can do that at dailystoiclife.com.

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6:33You can't sacrifice your life and your time to meet some arbitrary standards. We should be really clear about what we are willing to do and what we aren't willing to do. Everything you say yes to is saying no to something else.

6:50It's a pretty simple word, but it's actually one of the hardest ones in the world for people to say. One of the absolute hardest things to do in life is say no. We don't like doing it. We don't like hurting people's feelings. We like saying yes because we think yes will allow us to do more. Actually, Seneca marveling at it, he says, we're able to say it in some context when people want to take our money or when they want to take our property. But then when it comes to protecting the most important thing in the world, our time, our life, the one non-renewable resource there is, Seneca says it's fascinating and terribly sad how bad we are at saying that magic word, no.

7:31I'm Ryan Holiday. I've written a number of books about stoic philosophy. I've spoken about it to everyone from the NBA to the NFL, sitting senators and special forces leaders. I wouldn't have been able to do the things that I have done if I hadn't gotten good at saying no. And you have to get good at saying no. And in today's episode, I'm going to give you the best stoic advice from Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius and Seneca on how to do this very difficult thing, how to say no, how to not care what other people think, and how to focus on what's essential and important.

8:05So in my office, I have a couple reminders that help me say no. I have two pictures of my kids here. That's my youngest, that's my oldest. And then in between, I have this picture that the sports psychologist, Jonathan Fader, sent me. He's worked with Giants and a bunch of other football and baseball teams. Anyways, he sent me this picture. That's Oliver Sacks on the phone in his office. There's just a giant picture behind Oliver Sacks. It just says capital N-O, which is a reminder to say no. That was my first sort of big reminder about saying no. And then I've added a few more over the years.

8:39So this, this is a memo from the Truman administration. Since the president will be out of office when this celebration will be held, how do you think we should answer it? Should we say that because of many similar requests, the president must ask to be excused? And then Truman underlines it and he wrote the proper responses underlined. And then that's Truman's handwriting HST. So that's a memo from the Truman administration. And then this is one from Truman out of office, July 7th, 1969, thanking someone who mailed him something. Obviously, his secretary again would have written that out. And then he says, I regret that I cannot comply with your request.

9:13It has been long my policy not to respond to questions. I received so many requests similar to yours that I could not begin to keep up with all of them. I know you will understand. And like, look, in the early days, I used to get the Daily Stoic email replies directly to me. I used to post my email address on my website. I would respond to inquiries that came in on the comments section on social media posts. I would answer my DMs. And I felt good. I'll hear from people who go, eight years ago, I asked you this question about whether I should take this job or this job. And I answered and helped them.

9:44I loved that. It means a lot to me, but I've had to realize that saying yes, answering even just short questions takes away from something, right? Everything you say yes to is saying no to something else. And so I've had to realize that I can't be as accessible or open as I used to be. And I have to say no. And then I have one more actually that someone sent me as a gift. This is in a different part of my office. Here's another Truman one. So Truman isn't just saying no because he's a jerk and he doesn't want to listen or talk to people, right? he still feels obligated to try to help people, which of course I do.

10:15This is March 3rd, 1954. It says, Dear Mr. Taylor, your question will be answered in the book I am getting ready to publish as soon as possible. So the point is, if I want to be of the same service that I was before, which I do, I've just had to figure out ways to scale that, right? Because if I answer every random question or I say yes to everything that comes my way, what I'm doing, and this is why I have it here is I'm saying no to these two people who I've already promised so much of my time to. Or I'm saying no to this, which is my writing, which is not only the thing that is most meaningful to me, not only is it how I make my actual living, but it's how I can help the most people.

10:57So the inability to say no to one random person, I'm also saying no to a lot more people by taking that time and energy away from my writing. So I think it's good to have little reminders of why you have to say no. And look, memento mori is a reminder like that too, right? You only have so much time. You only have so much life. If you say yes to everyone and everything, you're going to wake up one day and wonder where all your time went.

11:25There's a story about Antoninus, who's Marcus Rios' predecessor, his adopted stepfather, the man that Marcus admires more than any other. All the Roman emperors before Antoninus and after were extensive travelers. They toured the wide expanse of the Roman Empire. They made these big imperial visits, visiting the territories, events were thrown in their honor. They inspected the troops. For his 20-odd year reign, Antoninus basically never leaves Rome. Now, why? Does he never leave Rome because he's a homebody, because he was scared to travel? I don't think it's any of that. What they said was he knew what it cost for the emperor to travel, not just what it cost the imperial treasury, but what it cost these little cities and towns, the dignitaries, the troops, he knew what it cost to entertain the emperor.

12:12He knew what an imposition it was. And so when we're thinking about what we're saying yes and no to, it's not just, hey, what's going to cost me, what it's going to take out of me, what's going to go into this. It's also, hey, what are the effects of what I'm about to say yes or no to on other people? I have to think about this. If I am agreeing to everything that's coming in, I am likely only going to be doing the fun parts of that, the fulfilling parts about that, even the rewarding parts about this. But other people have to handle the paperwork. Other people have to handle paying the taxes.

12:40Other people have to do the coordination. Other people have to make sure I get there, it goes well, all that, right? So we can't just think, oh, do I have the bandwidth for this? Is this fun for me? I also don't just think, hey, what do I want to do or not, right? I'd like to stay home. I don't want to necessarily go to soccer practices or soccer games. As we think about it in terms of my family, it's not just my preferences, but how does this fit into the larger whole or the larger system? So as you're thinking about yes or no, I really like this idea of the empathy that Antoninus is practicing there.

13:09He's not just thinking about what is this for me? What am I trying to accomplish? He's also checking it against how the consequences of that yes or no affects other people.

13:23There is a section in Pressfield's book, The Daily Pressfield, that I really like. He actually dedicated this book to me, which is pretty awesome. He has a whole section in the book called, you can't be a pro if you can't say no. It's only an hour, an ask too far. I don't take a piss without getting paid. No more Mr. Nice Guy, clueless asks. He says, I turned down all clueless asks. How do I define that term? Anyone who sends me their manuscript unsolicited. Anyone who asks me to meet them for lunch. Anyone who sends me an email headed hi or hello there. Anyone who asks me how to get an agent.

13:55Anyone who asks me to introduce them to my agent. These are not malicious asks. The writers who send them are not bad people. They're just clueless. He says, don't ask a writer how to get an agent. Find out yourself. Do your due diligence. Learn good manners. The point is, part of being a pro is figuring stuff out for yourself. It's not imposing on others. And conversely, being a pro, staying a pro is having good boundaries. Pressfield's point is that the resistance is happy to indulge all the things that could distract you. The resistance wants to say yes to everything. It wants to be a people pleaser because then it means it doesn't have to do the hard thing, right?

14:31My main thing, which is sitting here doing my work, writing the daily stoic emails, taking care of my family. The resistance wants to suck you away from your main thing. And it does it by getting you sucked into doing a bunch of things that are not your main thing.

14:48In the time of Nero, a philosopher goes to the house of a stoic named Agrippinus. Agrippinous. And he says, hey, I've been asked to attend this party that Nero's throwing on. We all know Nero is awful and corrupt and evil, but I got invited. I know you got invited. I'm wondering whether I should go or not. I'm thinking about it. You know, should I go? And Agrippinous says, yes, you should go. And the guy says, why? You're not going. And he says, yeah, but I didn't even think about going. And he was basically saying that this guy was hemming and hawing about it meant that he would already screwed up.

15:19His point was that the guy was wavering. He'd already sort of compromised his conscience by even thinking of going. To me, Agrippinus is also expressing some of the wisdom behind a rule that's become more popular now. I know Mark Manson has talked about it, this sort of hell yes or hell no rule. His point is Agrippinus wasn't, ah, do I want to, do I not? He wouldn't even consider doing something like that that would be so compromising or corruptive. He didn't even think about attending one of Nero's parties to put in appearances or to kiss the ring. It was no, not going to happen. He had a clear line about what he would and wouldn't do.

15:56And I think this is important as we think about what we say yes or no to. Life is complicated. I think he's saying this for effect a tad, and so is the hell yes, hell no thing. But the idea is we should be really clear about what we are willing to do and what we aren't willing to do, the things we accept and the things we don't accept. We should have a clear sense of our moral compass, also our priorities. So we're not hemming and hawing. We're not having to ask for advice, not even thinking about it. It's a hard pass or it's an enthusiastic guess.

16:32Actually, Ramit Sethi said this to me once. He said, you don't owe anyone a response. And his point was that, you know, just because an unsolicited email comes in doesn't mean you have to reply to that person. Of course, RSVPs are polite and considerate. But if you feel sort of overwhelmed by all the inbound, you have to understand you can't sacrifice your life and your time to meet some arbitrary standard, some arbitrary sense you have of what being caught up is or isn't. You know, there was a time early in my life when I believed in inbox zero and that plan has had to get abandoned as I've gotten older and more successful because I value other things.

17:09Of course, again, I want to reply and there are people I do get back quickly to, but I've had to realize that the preconceived notion I have of what being caught up is, is actually preventing me from getting caught up on what's truly important. Eisenhower has that decision matrix about what's urgent and what's important. And sometimes the things that come in, the inbound inquiries, they feel important, but actually they're just urgent. And as you're tackling them, what you're ignoring is what's actually important, not necessarily urgent. every day i send out one stoic inspired email totally for free almost a million people all over the world if you want to take your stoicism journey to the next level i would love for you to subscribe it's totally for free you can unsubscribe at any time there's no spam just go to dailystoic.com email love to see you there

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19:20That's why I don't begrudge them when they appear on the shows that I listen to. But again, as a person who has to pay a podcast producer and has to pay for equipment and for the studio and the building that the studio is in. It's a lot to keep something like the Daily Stoic going. So if you want to support a show but not listen to ads, well, we have partnered with Supercast to bring you a ad-free version of Daily Stoic. We're calling it Daily Stoic Premium. And with Premium, you can listen to every episode of the Daily Stoic podcast completely ad-free, no interruptions, just the ideas, just the messages, just the conversations you came here for.

20:04And you can also get early access to episodes before they're available to the public. And we're going to have a bunch of exclusive bonus content and extended interviews in there just for Daily Stoic Premium members as well. If you want to remove distractions, go deeper into Stoicism and support the work we do here. Well, it takes less than a minute to sign up for Daily Stoic Premium, and we are offering a limited time discount of 20 % off your first year. Just go to dailystoic.com slash premium to sign up right now or click the link in the show descriptions to make those ads go away.