It’s Good That You’re Having Trouble | On Handling Haters

0:00Ryan Holiday: Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, designed to help bring those four key Stoic virtues, courage, discipline, justice, and wisdom, into the real world.

0:14It's good that you're having trouble. It's happened to all of us. Somebody recommended a book and we started it, but we got discouraged. We finished it and still have no idea what we read. Maybe this was your exact reaction to one of the Stoics, to Epictetus or to Seneca. Is there something wrong with you? What happened? What happened is exactly what's supposed to happen. Nobody said books would be easy. Nobody said that getting wiser, better, or stronger would be accomplished without hard work. In fact, the Stoics specifically said the opposite. Instead of feeling down on ourselves for struggling with something, we should be proud.

0:51Because it means we were reaching. It means we were pushing ourselves. Just as we get stronger by lifting heavier things than we're used to, the way to get wiser is to read books that are above our level and keep at it. If you accomplish something good with hard work, Musonius Rufus tells us, the labor passes quickly, but the good endures. And we know this through our study of Stoicism. Epictetus is tougher to read than Marcus. Musonius Rufus is tougher to read and understand than Epictetus. It doesn't mean we don't study them. It just means we spend a little more time with them, a little more time working through each idea.

1:27Reading to lead, to get better, to be a better thinker, a better parent, a better creative, a better professional, better person or writer requires challenging ourselves. It requires reading books that push us out of our comfort zones, that expose us to new perspectives, new ways of thinking, facts and ideas and inspiration we haven't experienced with or learned before. And it requires that we not only take these things in, but we absorb them and use them. We have to understand what we're reading, what it means, so we can put it into action. And that's what we're doing in the Daily Stoic Read to Lead Challenge.

2:01Whether you want to understand a classic that you just didn't get or take more away from self-improvement books, you want to employ ideas from history, you want to be able to read more, that's what this challenge will help you do that. Over the next six weeks, me and thousands of Stoics all over the world, we're going to walk through how to be a better reader. I hope you find books that are worth your time, how to work through things, how to retain what matters. If you sign up by September 22nd, you can join the live Q &A with me and thousands of other Stoics all over the world in the Read to Lead Challenge.

2:39You can sign up right now at dailystoic.com slash read to lead.

2:42Ryan Holiday: And remember, if you join Daily Stoic Life, you get this challenge and all our challenges for free. That's dailystoiclife.com.

3:00Ryan Holiday: On handling haters, this is from the Daily Stoic Journal, 366 days of writing and reflection on the art of living by yours truly and my wonderful collaborator, Stephen Hanselman, who I also work on The Daily Stoic with. Today's entry, the Stoics taught that kindness trumps hate. They believe that those who engage in hate are prisoners to a destructive passion, one that hurts the practitioner, not the intended target. There's no reason to hate a hater. They're already suffering enough. In fact, when we see them this way, it makes it easier to be kind, good-natured, genuine, and useful. Remember that line in the Bible about how loving your enemies is like pouring hot coals on them because it's so unexpected?

3:44Ryan Holiday: What can surprise you that way? Whose enmity can you meet with kindness and compassion? And how much better do you feel when you've done so? You know, this is something I've struggled with a bit recently, just having watched my stuff on social media get attacked. You know, sometimes I have fun with it. Sometimes I like to stir it up a bit. I try not to get angry about it. It's not something that makes me angry, but there is a part of it that makes me really sad, really frustrated, because it's not that I can't take it. I can take it. But what I understand is how these ideas are rippling through and influencing other people, making them fall prey to misinformation or participate in antisocial behavior.

4:28Ryan Holiday: But I do try to remember this idea that hurt people hurt people. That is a great expression. I found it to be very true in my life. But I thought I would give you that thought as we get into today's quotes. The first is from Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.3. What if someone despises me? He says, let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good natured to it all. And be prepared to show even the hater where they went wrong, not in a critical way or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully.

5:11Ryan Holiday: So when I respond, I try to have fun with it. And if it doesn't always come off as I'm having fun, I assure you, I am having fun. You know, the Stokes talk about, are you going to laugh or are you going to cry? I think if you can't have fun with it, if you can't troll the trolls back, then in a sense, they are winning. but let's go to Meditations 1118. Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what even can the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness? And if given the chance, you gently try to point out where they went wrong, right, as they were trying to harm you.

5:44Ryan Holiday: This is the hard part. And I talked about this with Brad Stone in his book about Jeff Bezos. You know, Jeff Bezos heard very early on from his grandfather that it's easier to be clever than kind. And I would say this totally jives with my experience. It's easy to have a witty comeback. It's easy to be sarcastic. It's easy to dunk on someone to point out the obvious and ridiculous flaws or contradictions in their argument, or even to focus on the horrific implications of what they're saying and point out the costs of their behavior. But kindness is almost certainly what is going to convince someone, right?

6:20Ryan Holiday: Right. Patience is what it's going to take to convince them. And when you attack, you're almost certainly making them dig in more. I have to remind myself of this. And then finally, we have Epictetus's Inchiridion 20. Keep in mind that it isn't the one who has it in for you and takes a swipe that harms you, but rather the harm comes from your own belief about the abuse. So when someone arouses your anger, know that it's really your own opinion that's fueling it. Instead, make it your first response not to be carried away by such impressions. for with time and distance, self-mastery is more easily achieved.

6:53Ryan Holiday: I've never put out a book and not seen some people react negatively, meanly, aggressively about, you know, this thing that I just spent so much time and energy on. And that's something you learn when you put out stuff into the world. The people who dislike what you do are almost always louder than the people who are like, oh, it's pretty good. I liked it, right? Most of the things you like, you just sort of nod your head and move on. But it's the things you really hate. That's what seems to get us riled up. And that's what we seem to talk about most. We complain about most. So anyone that puts anything out in the world has to understand how to handle haters, not to be triggered by them, not to be distracted by them, not to be made bitter by them, not to be made worse by them.

7:38Ryan Holiday: Hopefully you'll be calmer and wiser when I talk to you next week. passion