Just Put It On My Tab | On Handling Haters

0:05Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where each day we bring you a Stoic inspired meditation designed to help you find strength and insight and wisdom into everyday life. Each one of these episodes is based on the 2 ,000-year-old philosophy that has guided some of history's greatest men and women to help you learn from them, to follow in their example, and to start your day off with a little dose of courage and discipline and justice and wisdom. For more, visit dailystoic.com.

1:09of troubles. Anyone who has had a run of bad luck knows the feeling. It's frustrating and annoying and sometimes deeply unfair. But there's also something freeing about it. Because after a certain point, you stop fighting and start accepting. We can imagine Marcus after the 50th piece of bad news just saying, all right, put it on my tab. What was one more thing at that point? What did it even matter? He knew there was no use resenting, no use wishing it was otherwise, no escaping, no denying, just had to add it to the list. He had to accept it was pouring and he was in for a long wet night. He had to focus on a plan for what was to come next.

1:43It would do us good to borrow this attitude, particularly lately. We've had our own plagues, civil unrest, wars, economic downturns. And on top of this, our own personal issues, perhaps a divorce, young children, trouble at work, an injury or a diagnosis. While we should never accept injustice or give up hope, we do need to accept that it's time to buckle up. It's not going to be an easy ride. The bill is not going to be cheap, somebody is going to have to pay it. And like Marcus Aurelius in our own lives, that person is us. So tell them to put it on your tab and start getting to work on it.

2:23We just took our kids to an outdoor performance at the Nutcracker. They had a snow cone, and then they went insane in the car ride home. And one of the things I try to remind myself when that's happening is that I don't control my kids' behavior, especially when they're too far gone like that, but I do control how I respond, right? That's stoicism, but it's also what Dr. Becky talks about. Dr. Becky is a clinical psychologist and a best-selling author, and she founded Good Inside, which is there to give parents practical, actionable tools for handling those everyday challenges with confidence.

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5:23on handling haters. This is from this week's entry in the Daily Stoic Journal, 366 Days of Writing and Reflection on the Art of Living by yours truly and my wonderful collaborator, Stephen Hanselman, who I also worked on the Daily Stoic with. Today's entry, the Stoics taught that kindness trumps hate. They believed that those who engage and hater prisoners to a destructive passion, one that hurts the practitioner, not the intended target. There's no reason to hate a hater. They are already suffering enough. In fact, when we see them this way, it makes it easier to be kind, good-natured, genuine, and useful.

6:01Remember that line in the Bible about how loving your enemies is like pouring hot coals on them because it's so unexpected? What can surprise you that way? Whose enmity can you meet with kindness and compassion, and how much better do you feel when you've done so? You know, this is something I've struggled with a bit recently, just having watched my stuff on social media get attacked. You know, sometimes I have fun with it. Sometimes I like to stir it up a bit. I try not to get angry about it. It's not something that makes me angry, but there is a part of it that makes me really sad, really frustrated, because it's not that I can't take it, I can take it.

6:42But what I understand is how these ideas are rippling through and influencing other people, making them fall prey to misinformation or participate in antisocial behavior. But I do try to remember this idea that hurt people hurt people. It is a great expression. I found it to be very true in my life. But I thought I would give you that thought as we get into today's quotes. The first is from Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.3. What if someone despises me? He says, let them see to it, but I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that, but I will see to it that I'm kind and good natured to it all and be prepared to show even the hater where they went wrong, not in a critical way or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully.

7:36So when I respond, I try to have fun with it. And if it doesn't always come off as I'm having fun, I assure you, I am having fun. You know, the Stokes talk about, are you going to laugh or are you going to cry? I think if you can't have fun with it, if you can't troll the trolls back, then in a sense, they are winning. But let's go to Meditations 11.18. Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere and with no hypocrisy or faking. for what even can the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness? And if given the chance, you gently try to point out where they went wrong, right? As they were trying to harm you.

8:09This is the hard part. And I talked about this with Brad Stone in his book about Jeff Bezos. You know, Jeff Bezos heard very early on from his grandfather that it's easier to be clever than kind. And I would say this totally jives with my experience. It's easy to have a witty comeback. It's easy to be sarcastic. It's easy to dunk on someone to point out the obvious and ridiculous flaws or contradictions in their argument, or even to focus on the horrific implications of what they're saying and point out the costs of their behavior. But kindness is almost certainly what is going to convince someone, right?

8:46Patience is what it's going to take to convince them. And when you attack, you're almost certainly making them dig in more. I have to remind myself of this. And then finally, we have Epictetus' Inchiridion 20. Keep in mind that it isn't the one who has it in for you and takes a swipe that harms you, but rather the harm comes from your own belief about the abuse. So when someone arouses your anger, know that it's really your own opinion that's fueling it. Instead, make it your first response not to be carried away by such impressions, for with time and distance, self-mastery is more easily achieved.

9:19The other thought I would add to this is with the new book coming out, You know, I've never put out a book and not seen some people react negatively, meanly, aggressively about, you know, this thing that I just spent so much time and energy on. And that's something you learn when you put out stuff into the world. The people who dislike what you do are almost always louder than the people who are like, oh, it's pretty good. I liked it. Right. Most of the things you like, you just sort of nod your head and move on. But it's the things you really hate. That's what seems to get us riled up. and that's what we seem to talk about most, we complain about most.

9:55So anyone that puts anything out in the world has to understand how to handle haters, not to be triggered by them, not to be distracted by them, not to be made bitter by them, not to be made worse by them. That's what I'm thinking about as I go into this new book. Wisdom takes work. I think you'll really like it. Bunch of awesome pre-order bonuses, including signed manuscript pages, signed limited edition and numbered first editions. And you can have dinner with me at The Painted Porch. I'm really excited about it. A bunch of awesome stuff. Grab all that at dailystoic.com slash wisdom. Or pre-order Wisdom takes work anywhere you listen or read your books.

10:32Thanks so much.

10:37Hey, it's Ryan. Thank you for listening to The Daily Stoic Podcast. I just wanted to say we so appreciate it. We love serving you. It's amazing to us that over 30 million people have downloaded these episodes in the couple years we've been doing it. It's an honor. Please spread the word, tell people about it. And this isn't to sell anything. I just wanted to say thank you.

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