The Anthem of (Y)our Dying Day + This Single Word Will Give You Back Your Life

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2:48Thanks for listening, and I hope you enjoy.

3:00The Anthem of Your Dying Day. Someday it will come. We know this. Every person who is born will die. Whether it's soon or a long time from now, peaceful or violent, expected or not, we cannot know. All we know is that it will happen. But everybody, including Marcus Aurelius, wonders what people will be saying, what it will mean for you to be leaving this world. We wonder about our legacy. We wonder how quickly we'll be forgotten. In meditations, Marcus speculated that despite the life he tried to live, the good he tried to do, there would still be people who were happy to see him go. No doubt he wondered how he would be remembered, what his legacy would be.

3:37But he also wrote about how little this actually mattered, how it wasn't in his control. And isn't that also part of one of the most famous scenes in literature where Huck Finn gets to sneak in to see his own funeral, eavesdropping on what everybody is saying about him, whether they're grieving him or not. Wanting to be remembered, to be loved, to be celebrated, it's a timeless, powerful urge. Some argue that much of civilization, most of art, most of war and success is in some way rooted in a denial of death. Wanting to live forever, wanting to be talked about after we're gone. It's funny that although Marcus tried to remind himself that posthumous fame was not worth much, because he'd be dead, he still managed to find it.

4:16He is remembered. We are talking about him here today in today's email and in the podcast. And although there were some people who were glad that he was on his deathbed and some people today who don't admire him, he did end up being remembered and is widely admired. The book he wrote, Meditations, wasn't intended for publication, but it was, and it's still selling like crazy. I mean, we have our own leather edition in the Daily Stokes store. I mean, it's like the most popular book that we sell at the Painted Porch. It's pretty nuts. And maybe that is the ultimate lesson here. Don't think about it.

4:47Don't focus on fame or a monument to your success. Don't try to make sure everyone knows how important or wonderful you are. Just try to be good. Just focus on the day in front of you. Live it well, live it according to your values. Leave the legacy for whatever happens or not.

5:05It's a pretty simple word, but it's actually one of the hardest ones in the world for people to say. One of the absolute hardest things to do in life is say no. We don't like doing it. We don't like hurting people's feelings. We like saying yes because we think yes will allow us to do more. Actually, Seneca marveling at it. He says, we're able to say it in some context when people want to take our money or when they want to take our property. But then when it comes to protecting the most important thing in the world, our time, our life, the one non-renewable resource there is, Seneca says, it's fascinating and terribly sad how bad we are at saying that magic word, no.

5:46I'm Ryan Holiday. I've written a number of books about stoic philosophy. I've spoken about it to everyone from the NBA to the NFL, sitting senators and special forces leaders. I wouldn't have been able to do the things that I have done if I hadn't gotten good at saying no. And you have to get good at saying no. And in today's episode, I'm going to give you the best stoic advice from Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius and Seneca on how to do this very difficult thing how to say no how to not care what other people think and how to focus on what's essential and important.

6:20So in my office I have a couple reminders that help me say no. I have two pictures of my kids here that's my youngest that's my oldest and then in between I have this picture that the sports psychologist Jonathan Fader sent me. He's worked with Giants and a bunch of other football and baseball teams. Anyways, he sent me this picture. That's Oliver Sachs on the phone in his office. There's just a giant picture behind Oliver Sachs that just says capital N-O, which is a reminder to say no. That was my first sort of big reminder about saying no, and then I've added a few more over the years. So this, this is a memo from the Truman administration.

6:58Since the president will be out of office when this celebration will be held, how do you think we should answer it? Should we say that because of many similar requests the president must ask to be excused. And then Truman underlines it and he wrote the proper responses underlined and then that's Truman's handwriting HST. So that's a memo from the Truman administration. And then this is one from Truman out of office July 7th, 1969, thanking someone who mailed him something. Obviously his secretary again would have written that out. And then he says, I regret that I cannot comply with your request.

7:28It has been long my policy not to respond to questions. I received so many requests similar to yours that I could not begin to keep up with all of them, I know you will understand. And like, look, in the early days, I used to get the Daily Stoic email replies directly to me. I used to post my email address on my website. I would respond to inquiries that came in on the comments section on social media posts. I would answer my DMs and I felt good. I'll hear from people who go, eight years ago, I asked you this question about whether I should take this job or this job and I answered and helped them.

7:59I loved that. It means a lot to me, but I've had to realize that saying yes, answering even just short questions takes away from something right everything you say yes to is saying no to something else and so i've had to realize that i can't be as accessible or open as i used to be and i have to say no and then i have i have one more actually that someone sent me as a gift this is in a different part of my office here's another truman one so truman isn't just saying no because he's a jerk and he doesn't want to listen or talk to people right he still feels obligated to try to help people which of course i do this is march 3rd 1954 it says dear Mr.

8:33Taylor, your question will be answered in the book I am getting ready to publish as soon as possible. So the point is, if I want to be of the same service that I was before, which I do, I've just had to figure out ways to scale that, right? Because if I answer every random question, or I say yes to everything that comes my way, what I'm doing, and this is why I have it here, is I'm saying no to these two people who I've already promised so much of my time to, Or I'm saying no to this, which is my writing, which is not only the thing that is most meaningful to me, not only is it how I make my actual living, but it's how I can help the most people.

9:12So the inability to say no to one random person, I'm also saying no to a lot more people by taking that time and energy away from my writing. So I think it's good to have little reminders of why you have to say no. And look, Memento Mori is a reminder like that too, right? You only have so much time, you only have so much life, if you say yes to everyone and everything, you're going to wake up one day and wonder where all your time went.

9:40There's a story about Antoninus, who's Marcus Rios' predecessor, his adopted stepfather, the man that Marcus admires more than any other. All the Roman emperors before Antoninus and after were extensive travelers. They toured the wide expanse of the Roman Empire. They made these big imperial visits, visiting the territories, events were thrown in their honor, they inspected the troops. For his 20-odd year reign, Antoninus basically never leaves Rome. Now why? Does he never leave Rome because he's a homebody, because he was scared to travel? I don't think it's any of that. What they said was he knew what it cost for the emperor to travel.

10:16Not just what it cost the imperial treasury, but what it cost these little cities and towns, the dignitaries, the troops. he knew what it cost to entertain the emperor. He knew what an imposition it was. And so when we're thinking about what we're saying yes and no to, it's not just, hey, what's gonna cost me, what it's gonna take out of me, what's gonna go into this. It's also, hey, what are the effects of what I'm about to say yes or no to on other people? I have to think about this. If I am agreeing to everything that's coming in, I am likely only gonna be doing the fun parts of that, the fulfilling parts about that, even the rewarding parts about this.

10:51But other people have to handle the paperwork. Other people have to handle paying the taxes. Other people have to do the coordination. Other people have to make sure I get there, it goes well, all that, right? So we can't just think, oh, do I have the bandwidth for this? Is this fun for me? I also don't just think, hey, what do I want to do or not, right? I'd like to stay home. I don't want to necessarily go to soccer practices or soccer games. As we think about it in terms of my family, it's not just my preferences, but how does this fit into the larger whole or the larger system? So as you're thinking about yes or no, I really like this idea of the empathy that Antoninus is practicing there.

11:24He's not just thinking about what is this for me, what am I trying to accomplish? He's also checking it against how the consequences of that yes or no affects other people. There is a section in Pressfield's book, The Daily Pressfield, that I really like. He actually dedicated this book to me, which is pretty awesome. He has a whole section in the book called you can't be a pro if you can't say no it's only an hour and ask too far i don't take a piss without getting paid no no more mr nice guy clueless asks he says i turn down all clueless asks how do i define that term anyone who sends me their manuscript unsolicited anyone who asks me to meet them for lunch anyone who sends me an email headed hi or hello there anyone who asked me how to get an agent anyone who asked me to introduce them to my agent these are not malicious asks.

12:13The writers who send them are not bad people. They're just clueless. He says, don't ask a writer how to get an agent. Find out yourself. Do your due diligence. Learn in good manners. The point is, part of being a pro is figuring stuff out for yourself. It's not imposing on others. And conversely, being a pro, staying a pro, is having good boundaries. Pressfield's point is that the resistance is happy to indulge all the things that could distract you. The resistance wants to say yes to everything it wants to be a people pleaser because then it means it doesn't have to do the hard thing right my main thing which is sitting here doing my work writing the daily stoic emails taking care of my family the resistance wants to suck you away from your main thing and it does it by getting you sucked into doing a bunch of things that are not your main thing in the time of nero a philosopher goes to the house of a stoic named agrippinus and he says, hey, I've been asked to attend this party that Nero's throwing on.

13:12We all know Nero is awful and corrupt and evil, but I got invited. I know you got invited. I'm wondering whether I should go or not. I'm thinking about it. You know, should I go? And Agrippinus says, yes, you should go. And the guy says, why? You're not going. And he says, yeah, but I didn't even think about going. He was basically saying that this guy was hemming and hawing about it meant that he would already screwed up. His point was that the guy was wavering. He'd already sort of compromised his conscience by even thinking of going. To me, Agrippinus is also expressing some of the wisdom behind a rule that's become more popular now.

13:45I know Mark Manson has talked about it, this sort of hell yes or hell no rule. His point is, Agrippinus wasn't, ah, do I want to, do I not? He wouldn't even consider doing something like that that would be so compromising or corruptive. He didn't even think about attending one of Nero's parties to put in appearances or to kiss the ring. It was, No, not going to happen. He had a clear line about what he would and wouldn't do. And I think this is important as we think about what we say yes or no to. Life is complicated. I think he's saying this for effect a tad. And so is the hell yes, hell no thing.

14:20But the idea is we should be really clear about what we are willing to do and what we aren't willing to do. The things we accept and the things we don't accept. We should have a clear sense of our moral compass, also our priorities. So we're not hemming and hawing. We're not having to ask for advice. We're not even thinking about it. It's a hard pass or it's an enthusiastic yes.

14:45Actually, Ramit Sethi said this to me once. He said, you don't owe anyone a response. And his point was that, you know, just because an unsolicited email comes in doesn't mean you have to reply to that person. Of course, RSVPs are polite and considerate, but if you feel sort of overwhelmed by all the inbound, You have to understand you can't sacrifice your life and your time to meet some arbitrary standard, some arbitrary sense you have of what being caught up is or isn't. You know, there was a time early in my life when I believed in inbox zero and that plan has had to get abandoned as I've gotten older and more successful because I value other things.

15:23Of course, again, I want to reply and there are people I do get back quickly to, but I've had to realize that the preconceived notion I have of what being caught up is, is actually preventing me from getting caught up on what's truly important. Eisenhower has that decision matrix about what's urgent and what's important. And sometimes the things that come in, the inbound inquiries, they feel important, but actually they're just urgent. And as you're tackling them, what you're ignoring is what's actually important, not necessarily urgent.

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