This Is What Leaders Do | On Handling Haters

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2:28Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Each day we bring you a meditation inspired by the ancient Stoics, illustrated with stories from history, current events, and literature to help you be better at what you do. And at the beginning of the week, we try to do a deeper dive, setting a kind of Stoic intention for the week, something to meditate on, something to think on, something to leave you with, to journal about, whatever it is you happen to be doing. So let's get into it.

3:08This is what leaders do. After a long line of incompetence, after a long chain of excuses, after a series of failures, the Union cause finally turned around when General Ulysses S. Grant took command. Other generals had been focused on pomp and circumstance. They had been anxious and defensive. They had claimed that they didn't have the resources or the troops that they needed. As the great historian Bruce Catton wrote in The Hollowed Ground, when Grant showed up, things began to happen. It didn't matter if he was in charge of a small army or a big one. He was a leader, and when leaders arrive, they make a difference.

3:44A staff officer noted the same thing. We began to see things move, he noted, of Grant's rescue of a besieged army. We felt that everything came from a plan. He came into the army quietly, no splendor, no heirs, no staff. He used to go about alone. He began the campaign the moment he reached the field. Everything was done like music. Everything was in harmony. This was a lesson that Marcus Aurelius learned from the Emperor Hadrian, who spent nearly the entirety of his reign touring the empire. He would show up in a city that had languished as a backwater and start a series of public improvements.

4:18He would come upon troops that had grown fat and lazy and put them to work building fortifications, many of which still stand. He made reforms. He replaced ineffective bureaucracy. He restored temples. He solved problems. A leader isn't a figurehead. They're a doer. They are a solver of problems. They are in command of themselves, confident in themselves. And this feeling is contagious. They make things happen. They help the people around them make things happen. And this is not random or a result of their authority. It's because of their skill. They are playing their instrument, making music, creating harmony and progress.

4:55And you can do this too, if you learn the art. And basically the art of leadership, The Stoic Art of Leadership is what this new challenge we're launching. Right now, it starts on the 26th, so you don't have much time left. That's what the Daily Stoic Leadership Challenge is all about. And it's a real deep dive, intensive look at the art of leadership. It's the art of making things happen. It's one of the things we talk about in the Daily Stoic Leadership Challenge, which I think is one of the best things we've done. We actually got some advice from a two-star general in the Air Force. So you can listen to that as part of the challenge.

5:30one of the best interviews I think that we've done. Lots of great lessons in there. And there's a reason so many people have taken and loved the challenge. It's a six plus week course on leadership, but it's really digestible. It won't overload you and it'll give you actual tangible stuff you can use. I can't wait for you to check it out. Go to dailystoic.com slash leadership, or you can check out the leadership challenge at store.dailystoic.com and I'll link to it in today's show notes.

6:03On handling haters. The Stoics taught that kindness trumps hate. They believed that those who engage in hate are prisoners to a destructive passion, one that hurts the practitioner, not the intended target. There's no reason to hate a hater. They are already suffering enough. In fact, when we see them this way, it makes it easier to be kind, good-natured, genuine, and useful. Remember that line in the Bible about how loving your enemies is like pouring hot coals on them because it's so unexpected? Well, what can surprise you that way? Whose enmity can you meet with kindness and compassion, and how much better do you feel when you've done so?

6:47You know, this is something I've struggled with a bit recently. And, you know, sometimes I have fun with it. Sometimes I like to stir it up a bit. I try not to get angry about it. It's not something that makes me angry, but there is a part of it that makes me really sad, really frustrated, because it's not that I can't take it. I can take it. But what I understand is how these ideas are rippling through and influencing other people, making them fall prey to misinformation or participate in antisocial behavior. But I do try to remember this idea that hurt people hurt people. And it is a great expression.

7:30I found it to be very true in my life. But I thought I would give you that thought as we get into today's quotes. The first is from Marcus Aurelius Meditations 11.3. What if someone despises me? He says, let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible? What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good natured to it all and be prepared to show even the hater where they went wrong, not in a critical way or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully. So when I respond, I try to have fun with it.

8:09And if it doesn't always come off as I'm having fun, I assure you I am having fun. Because I think that's, you know, the Stokes talk about, are you going to laugh or are you going to cry? I think if you can't have fun with it, if you can't troll the trolls back, then in a sense they are winning. But let's go to Meditations 11, 18. Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere and with no hypocrisy or faking. For what even can the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness? And if given the chance, you gently try to point out where they went wrong, right as they were trying to harm you.

8:42This is the hard part. And I talked about this with Brad Stone in his book about Jeff Bezos. You know, Jeff Bezos heard very early on from his grandfather that it's easier to be clever than kind. And I would say this totally jives with my experience. It's easy to have a witty comeback. It's easy to be sarcastic. It's easy to dunk on someone to point out the obvious and ridiculous flaws or contradictions in their argument, or even to focus on the horrific implications of what they're saying and point out the costs of their behavior, but kindness is almost certainly what is going to convince someone, right?

9:20Patience is what it's going to take to convince them. And when you attack, you're almost certainly making them dig in more. And I have to remind myself of this. And then finally, we have Epictetus' Inchiridion 20. Keep in mind that it isn't the one who has it in for you and takes a swipe that harms you, but rather the harm comes from your own belief about the abuse. So when someone arouses your anger, know that it's really your own opinion that's fueling it. Instead, make it your first response not to be carried away by such impressions, for with time and distance, self-mastery is more easily achieved.

9:54The other thought I would add to this is, you know, I've never put out a book and not seen some people react negatively, meanly, aggressively about, about, you know, this thing that I just spent so much time and energy on. And that's something you learn when you put out stuff into the world. I talked about this with Malcolm Gladwell on the podcast. The people who dislike what you do are almost always louder than the people who are like, oh, it's pretty good. I liked it, right? Most of the things you like, you just sort of nod your head and move on. But it's the things you really hate. That's what seems to get us riled up.

10:30And that's what we seem to talk about most. We complain about most. So anyone that puts anything out in the world has to understand how to handle haters, not to be triggered by them, not to be distracted by them, not to be made bitter by them, not to be made worse by them. I think you'll agree. I hope you're not a hater. I hope you can find some more courage in your life. Talk soon.

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