What Does Your Calendar Say? | 12 (Stoic) Secrets For Doing Your Best

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2:00Go to HelloFresh.com slash Stoic10FM to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. One box with active subscription. Free meals applied as a discount on the first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's HelloFresh.com Stoic10FM to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life. welcome to the daily stoic podcast where each day we read a passage of ancient wisdom designed to help you in your everyday life on tuesdays we take a closer look at these stoic ideas how we can apply them in our actual lives thanks for listening and i hope you enjoy

2:47What does your calendar say? Unlike most of the emperors, Marcus Aurelius actually loved his wife. They were married for 30 years. Although there were rumors, and many scholars consider it just slander, that she was unfaithful, Marcus Aurelius seems to have never doubted Faustina, whom he'd been with since he was 17. She bore him 13 children, and when she died, he was profoundly devastated and promptly had her deified, building a statue of her outside the Temple of Venus, constructing another temple in her honor. There is one letter between him and his tutor Fronto where Marx really said that he loved his wife and their life together more than just about anything else.

3:24I call the gods to witness, he wrote, that I would were I now living in exile with Faustina rather than without her on the Palantine. The palaces were nice, he was saying, and so was power. He knew his job was important, but none of it was better than the time he got to spend with his lovely partner. It's a wonderful sentiment, but how true was it? As they say, your calendar doesn't lie. Markets Aurelius spent years away from Rome, fighting wars and visiting the provinces. He spent time in Greece, as all students of philosophy considered a must. He had cases to adjudicate dignitaries to receive things to write.

4:01He no doubt spent a lot of time reading, a lot of time training, a lot of time committed to serving the people of Rome. In short, he was like a lot of us who claim that our family comes first, that there's no one more important to us, and we promptly put so many other things before them. Sometimes that stuff is life or death or matters of making a living. Sometimes, though, it's not nearly so essential, although we tell ourselves it is. The irony is that Mark Surrealis never aspired to be the emperor. He didn't particularly like the job either, yet it took over his life, consumed his calendar all the same.

4:35Maybe Fustina was in fact unfaithful for that reason. Certainly his absence helps better explain the problems with Commodus. In any case, it's a cautionary tale for all of us, a reminder to play on Mark Stabilis' phrase, not just to talk about being a family man, but to actually be one. And look, if you want to be a better parent, better spouse, you might like the Daily Dad email, which goes out every day. We also do a podcast version of it. You can listen to it each day. And then my wife and I, Samantha, do a weekend podcast episode most weekends as well. You can subscribe at dailydad.com or click on the link in today's description or just search The Daily Dad anywhere you get your podcasts and follow us on social media too.

5:23you're not always going to win you're not always going to be recognized but you appreciate yourself you know what you did cumulatively getting a little bit better every day every year that's what makes you the greatest

5:37one of the things you learn in life is that the best man doesn't always win Cato, the towering Stoic, the one that all of the Stoics admired more than anyone else, famously loses. He loses to Julius Caesar. His army is vanquished. He ends up committing suicide. But just because Cato loses doesn't mean he's a loser. And in fact, all of the Stoics admire him more because of how he lost, because of what he did in that losing battle. No one could say that Cato gave anything less than his best. In fact, Cato gives everything. And it's a really important stoic lesson. I am Ryan Holiday. I've written a number of books about stoic philosophy.

6:17I've spoken about it to everyone from the NBA to the NFL, sitting senators and special forces leaders. And in today's episode, we're going to talk about a fundamental reality of life in stoicism, which is that we control what we put into things, but we don't control whether we succeed at things. We don't control what comes out of things. But the stoics would say we always control whether we give our best, whether we really try at something. We control the effort that we're putting into it. And that's what I want to talk to you about in today's episode.

6:47The talk I just gave at the Naval Academy, I ended with this story about Jimmy Carter. So Jimmy Carter goes to the Naval Academy in 46, he graduates in 46. And so he wants to be on nuclear submarines. So he ends up, all the candidates are interviewed by Admiral Hyman Rickover, who's sort of the head of this program. He does it for years and years and years. And so it's this interview process. It's the best of the best. It's the most competitive slot. And so it's sort of a long interview. They talk about books and they talk about physics. They talk about, you know, history. And then finally Rickover goes, you know, how did you do in your class at the Naval Academy?

7:21Carter's like, you know, great. You know, I was like 32 out of, you know, 400, whatever. He's thinking about rank. And they start talking about his grades and how great he did. And Rickover just goes, but did you always do your best? And he's, of course, you know, your instinct is, yeah, of course, right? And then he's like, thinks about it. And he's like, well, you know, he's thinking about all the times he didn't do his best. Right. Like all, you know, classes that he phoned in or, you know, he could have gone and done extra PT doesn't. He goes, you know what? No, I didn't always do my best.

7:49And then Rickover goes, why not? And then he just gets up and leaves. And that question sort of haunts Jimmy Carter for the rest of his life. Like his campaign biography when he runs for his first office is called Why Not the Best? Like, why didn't you do your best? And so, yeah, I think people who are really great and people don't always think of him as a great president. He actually was a great president and was a much better ex-president, like without question, the best person ever to have been president. Like, I mean, up until a couple of years ago, he was still building houses for Habitat for Humanity.

8:18He's cured all these diseases. He's brokered all these peace treaties and stuff. A great human being. But really great people are not actually thinking about, here's my list of accomplishments. They're like, I always did the best I could do in the situation that I was in. I didn't quit, you know, three laps in. I went until I fucking fell over, you know, like that to me, it's like, did you do your best? Yes or no. Yeah. And I think, I don't know if there's ever truly a hundred percent because throughout that, if it's something hard, you're going to have the, you're going to have the false step here and there.

8:53And like, like the, you know, the debate in your head about quitting and whatever, there might be a bit of wasted, I don't know if it's wasted time, but not productive time in that moment. But like, if you just keep, I think your best is dealing with that and seeing through that. So it's not like you're a hundred percent optimal performance at all times or whatever it's, but it's, it's just not, I mean, it really is just not quitting in a sense, but I think that's in common with pretty much anybody that does anything in a high level.

9:23One of the best things I heard about Tom Brady is that Tom Brady is not obsessed with winning. What Tom Brady's actually obsessed with is getting better. He wants to improve the accuracy of his fourth quarter throws a little bit. He wants to get rid of the ball a little bit faster. He wants to make his reads a little bit better. He wants to be a little bit better as a leader. He wants to recover after games a little bit faster. What Tom Brady has always been obsessed with is that, getting better. And cumulatively getting a little bit better every day, every year, compounded over a long enough time, that's what makes you the greatest.

9:57That's what makes you a Super Bowl champion. Of course, he also wants to win. Of course, winning is very important. But what actually drives him, what actually drives champions, what I try to focus on as a writer is not the external things, not the things I don't control, but getting a little bit better every single day.

10:16There's a story that Roseanne Cash tells in her memoir. I think she does maybe one or two albums. Obviously, she comes from sort of music royalty. So she sort of gets a break in the business. but she has this dream and in the dream she's at this party and she sees uh the singer linda ronstadt talking to this man do you know this story no i don't uh and so she walks up to him they all have name tags and the man's name tag it just says art right which is symbolic of her her her craft so she goes and she tries to like get in on this conversation as linda ronstadt's her hero and she says hi you know i'm roseanne and um art turns to her and he just says we don't respect to dilettantes and then they turn away from her.

10:56And for her, this was this sort of turning point moment that she realized like she was doing music, but she wasn't really doing music. She wasn't all in on it. And so like there's this turning point in her career where she goes back and she's, she gets coaches and she starts working with better collaborators. She stops, you know, she, this is the moment where she's like, I was only kind of doing this thing and now I'm really going to do this thing. And that's how she becomes ultimately what she ends up becoming. That's awesome. I've never heard that story. That's great. Steven Pressfield tells a version of that story also in The War of Art.

11:29He's saying that that's the resistance, right? The resistance is, well, if I don't really try, if I'm half doing it, or I have this addiction or this compulsion or this other thing, then I can always use that as an excuse for why it's not happening for me. And then when it doesn't happen, I don't have to feel as bad because it's not a rejection of me. It's only a partial rejection of me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's much easier to just try a little bit and then be like, eh, okay. I didn't put, I didn't go all in on it. I could have if I wanted to. Yeah. Yeah. That whole thing versus, you know, working really hard and then failing.

12:11But to me, you know, I mean, obviously you don't really think like that but I'm like okay at least I went out there and I gave it everything I had versus just sitting on the couch today.

12:23Those have this word euthymia which means tranquility and Seneca says well what is that tranquility how does one get it it's not you retreat to the mountains or a monastery or some beautiful resort says euthymia in the course of life has to come from something else And he says, he defines this euthymia as, he says, a sense of the path that you're on without being distracted by the paths that crisscross yours, even from those, especially from those who are hopelessly lost. So you think about the interchanges and the connections. You think about all the other companies doing what you do, going in similar directions.

13:04Think about what's happening in the industry and the world. It's very easy to get distracted. When I was at American Apparel, I watched Dove destroy a billion-dollar company because instead of doing what he did well, what the company was meant to do, he started doing what Forever 21 was doing and Urban Outfitters was doing and H &M was doing. He lacked the discipline to stay on his path. He got distracted by the paths of those who crisscrossed him, even when some of those companies ultimately also were headed towards bankruptcy or having to reinvent themselves. So it takes a lot of discipline to know what you do, what makes you great, what your principles are, what your place in the market is, and to stay on that and to not get distracted, to not get distracted by every shiny other thing.

13:46And so, euthymia is not just a recipe for personal happiness, tranquility, but it's also a recipe for success, right? Staying in your lane, staying on your tracks, doing what you set out to do if you're into your strategic plan, your mission, your principles. This takes an enormous amount of discipline.

14:10One of the reasons that you don't focus on outcomes is that they don't last and they don't have nearly the impact that you think they're going to have. I remember the first time I hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list, you're like, I did it, I made it. And then of course, seven days later, somebody else is there behind you. I think it was like Donald Trump Jr. took my spot at number one. And then it came out that he had purchased all those copies to get there. So it kind of undermines the accomplishment. Not only is it ephemeral, you find out in retrospect that it didn't mean maybe as much as you thought it was going to mean.

14:43I remember I was reading about this actor, it might have been Brad Pitt, he's profiled in some magazines, it's like his first big press hit as an actor, and then he goes over to a friend's house a couple days later and he sees it lining the bottom of their birdcage, right? Which is what happens, right? All glory is fleeting, it doesn't last, the Latin saying sic transit gloria mundi, right? All glory is fleeting. But what's there, what does last is the work that you did, the things that you learned, the understanding you got of yourself, the thing that you said, that lasts, that matters. And so that's what you try to focus on.

15:17You probably see me from my videos. I'm always moving around. I'm always active. I'm always doing stuff. Even when I'm sitting writing, I'm bouncing my legs around. I try to be active. Stoics try to be active. I try to be active. It's just my personality. I'm walking, I'm running, I'm biking. And as a guy with two little kids, I'm chasing them around all the time too. Lately, I've been doing it in my new Hoka's, which I absolutely love. Conceived in the mountains and designed to defy the odds. Hoka delivers an unprecedented combination of enhanced cushioning and support for uniquely smooth ride.

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16:27whenever you're sitting there and you're going man like i just need to be in mexico right now or damn like i wish my house was bigger just wish i was in a bigger house i i find it so funny because i'm like do you actually want to be in mexico right now or do you like the person you think you're going to be sure in mexico right now yes and it's same with that house and i think it's is it's kind of the same theme from your book um is just like you get what you are yes so just be the best version of yourself as possible

17:01famous quote from mark's really the impediment to action advances action what stands in the way becomes the way and it's funny it's actually in book five of meditations what mark's really talking about is people he says in a sense people are our proper occupation our job is to do them good and put up with them but when they obstruct our proper tasks they become irrelevant to us like sun and wind and animals he says our actions may be impeded by them but there can be no impeding our intentions or our dispositions because we can accommodate and adapt the mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting the impediment to action advances action what stands in the way becomes the way so when he's saying the obstacle is the way he's specifically talking about difficult people.

17:41He's saying that people are an opportunity to practice virtue, difficult people most of all. What these people are is a chance for you to try to do things differently. I think it's a wonderful phrase that people are our proper occupation. We are put here for each other. We are social political animals, as the ancients would say, and our job is to figure out how to work with people, to get things out of them, to not be corrupted by them, to not be broken by them to not let them turn us into assholes or sons of bitches not to let them change us in a negative way but actually when we deal with difficult frustrating or annoying or obnoxious people as marcus really starts book two of meditations lamenting all the things that people are going to do people are there for is to present us opportunities to grow and change and learn and do good for them and the world favorite books novels of all time this is the moviegoer by Walker Percy.

18:34It's not exactly stoic, although there is a bunch of stoic themes. Walker Percy was introduced to stoicism by his uncle, Will Percy. And there's this amazing passage in the book. Let me find it real fast. He's struggling. He has this sort of stoic aunt who tries to give him something to lead on. His world kind of feels like he's spinning out of control. He doesn't know what's important, what he should try to do, who he should try to be. This is what his aunt Emily says. She says, I don't know what we're doing on this insignificant cinder spinning away in a dark corner of the universe. That is a secret which the high gods have yet confided in me.

19:09Yet one thing I believe, and I believe it with every fiber of my being, a man must live by his lights and do what little he can and do it as best he can. In this world, goodness is destined to be defeated, but a man must go down fighting. That is the victory. To do anything less is to be less than a man. I think that's really the essence of stoic philosophy. There was this expression in the old days that the gods favored the Cato's of the world, basically, because Cato loses against Julius Caesar, but he was the better man. He did everything he could. It didn't go his way, but that was really the hero's cause.

19:43That's what we're talking about when we're talking about doing your best. You're not always going to win. You're not always going to be recognized. You're not always going to be appreciated, but you appreciate yourself. You know what you did. You know you left it all on the field, right? You left it all in the jersey. You left it all in the chair. Whatever it is that you're doing, you did everything you could. That's not only enough, but it's plenty.

20:08In meditations, Mark Schwule says, ambition is tying your success to what other people do or say, right? If they select you, if they approve you, if they cheer for you. He says, sanity is tying it to your own actions. That's the problem. So much of what we want, what we're aspiring to, what our goals are, are not in our control, as Epictetus would say. But in fact, they're the opposite. They're handing over that control, that judgment or evaluation to other people. And so when your ambition shifts more internally towards what you control, towards what you do, to who you were while you did it, you're empowered, right?

20:45And you're more self-sufficient. John Wooden said something like, success is peace of mind, which is the direct result in knowing that you made the best effort to do your best to become the best you're capable of becoming. And obviously, John Wooden cares a lot about winning and he wins a lot, but you have this bigger, more encompassing definition of what your success is and who you're trying to be, how you judge yourself. So you can have a team that wins, that you're disappointed in. You can have a team that loses that you couldn't be more proud of, right? And I try to get to a place, and I think I am at this place with my books, where some of the books I'm most proud of have sold the fewest copies and the books that, while proud of, I'm not changed by or puffed up by their success, right?

21:26Because I've done better since, right? I'm more focused on other things. I'm prouder of other things in other projects. So you do your work, you focus on what you can focus on, and you know, You leave the rest to God, the gods, luck, the market, the whims of the universe, whatever you want to call it, you leave it there.

21:48So we can imagine when Marcus comes to the end of life and realizes he's going to die, I wonder if he thought about the passage that he wrote in book 1036. He says, it doesn't matter how good a life you've led, there will still be people standing around the bed who will welcome the sad event. His point was, if you're doing this for validation, if you're doing this to be loved, if you're doing this to be remembered. I mean, to be remembered, he says, is silly because you're not going to be around. But the point is the rewards for doing the right thing have to be the right thing. You can't be doing it to be liked.

22:19You can't care about what other people think. You can't try to please everyone all the time and be everyone's favorite, especially as a leader. So Marcus had to constantly be aware of this. I remember if when he actually came to the end of his life, if he thought about the fact that maybe secretly some of these people didn't, were glad he would be gone soon, and if he had to come to terms with those words that he'd written so long ago.

22:45It's hard to say no. You have to realize that when you're saying no to things, you're also saying yes. So when you eliminate the inessential, Marcus really says, when you're really doing this saying yes to the essential, you get the double benefit, he says, when you say no, getting rid of the extraneous, the extra, the unnecessary, and the double benefit is being able to do the essential, the urgent, the important to do it even better. So I try to remind myself that every no is a yes and every yes is also a no.

23:16The problem with goals is that most goals are based on things that we don't control, that are not up to us. My last book when it came out, it debuted at number three on the New York Times list and it didn't even appear on the Wall Street Journal list. A couple weeks later, I had a book hit number one on the Wall Street Journal list and not even appear on the New York Times list. So I'm supposed to hand over my happiness, my definition of what success is to a process as complicated and ridiculous and opaque as that? I don't think so. For me, the success of the book is on what I put into it. If I did the work, if I know it's good, and there I'm successful from launch forward.

23:51The Stokes would say, of course, we can have these preferred indifference, like it's better to hit the list than not hit the list, just like it's better to be rich than poor. But that's not what we focus on because that's not what's up to us. We focus on what's up to us, what we put into it, our thoughts, our opinions, our intentions. Then we let everything else from there go. We accept it without arrogance if we get it, but we let it go with indifference if we don't. If you want to keep your stoicism inspired journey going, sign up for the Daily Stoic email at dailystoic.com slash email. It's one stoic inspired email every single day.

24:26wisdom to help you with the problems of life. Stoicism is intended and you can sign up at dailystoic.com slash email. Unsubscribe whenever you want. I'd love for you to join.

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