What To Do After You’ve Done Wrong | Ask DS

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1:29Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where each day we read a passage of ancient wisdom designed to help you in your everyday life. Well, on Thursdays, we not only read the daily meditation, but we answer some questions from listeners and fellow Stoics who are trying to apply this philosophy just as you are. Some of these come from my talks. Some of these come from Zoom sessions that we do with Daily Stoic Life members or as part of the challenges. Some of them are from interactions I have on the street when there happened to be someone there recording. But thank you for listening, and we hope this is of use to you.

2:11What to do after you've done wrong? Seneca should have owned up to it. We've talked about this. He was 13 years in Nero's service before he broke with the clearly broken emperor. It is to Seneca's credit that he walked away. And more to his credit was the fact that he was at least partly involved in the Piso conspiracy to unseat Nero, as I talk about at length in Lives of the Stoics. But where in Seneca's voluminous writings is there anything about taking responsibility for his role in such a corrupt and evil regime? Sure, Seneca's violent plays do dance around the topic, sort of subtweeting his former boss, but Seneca could have and should have written more.

2:55Generations could have learned from his example. A worse Stoic in this regard is the infamous Diotimus, also profiled in the lives of the Stoics, who caught up in some sort of philosophical feud, fabricated a number of letters designed to destroy the reputation of his Epicurean rivals. He was caught, but the historical record shows us only a defiant Diotimus. We hear nothing of an apology, nothing of an attempt to pick up the pieces to make right, to help others learn from what was, although inexcusable, a bit of human folly. We all make mistakes. We all get caught up in things. We strike back at people who have struck at us.

3:33We are tempted, blinded, led astray, as Seneca certainly was. It happens. What matters most, though, is what happens next, what we do after we have done wrong, how we try to make it right. Do we take responsibility or do we take refuge in denial? Do we throw ourselves a pity party? Do we rage against cancel culture? Do we get to work on ourselves or better yet, get to work making this less about ourselves and more about the people or cause we have harmed?

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4:57you talk about having cautious self-confidence as a form of power but how do you reconcile that self-confidence with the humility you need to be able to iterate and recognize that you have shortcomings that you need to evolve we have to see it as a spectrum so on the one end there's crippling self-doubt. There's imposter syndrome. There's feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. And on the other end, there's ego. But weirdly, it's actually not a spectrum. It's more of a horseshoe because they're very similar. It's an obsession with the self and thinking that everyone's watching you and cares about you.

5:41And when they're not, everyone's busy with themselves. But I think in between these two points is what we would call confidence. So confidence to me is an understanding of where one has weaknesses and flaws and vulnerabilities, but also simultaneously awareness of what our strengths are, what our assets are, what our capabilities are. And that to me, that confidence is important. Ego is the enemy. Ego gets in the way. Ego makes you complacent. Ego makes you an asshole. right ego makes you none of the things that people like working with and and certainly none of the things that you know sustainable success depends on conversely sort of cowardice and doubt and all this sort of i'm not good enough that makes it hard to do stuff but in the middle there to me is what you really want to cultivate which is a strong sense of self a strong sense of of what you've got what you're put here to do what you're going to be able to do and and it should be based on what you've done before, right?

6:47We've just lived through a historically significant event that will be written about in books for hundreds of years, right? Akin to World War II or economic crises and wars and all these, like, we just lived through a thing that our children and grandchildren are going to ask us about. And we made it, right? We're still here. We adapted, we improvised, we overcame, we're still here. And that should give us some sense of our ability to deal with future obstacles and difficulties, just as all the things that you've gone through in your life, you've learned from. And you can use that now with what you're going through.

7:32So to me, this sense of like, I know where I come from. I know what I've done. I know what I bring to the table. that's a really, really empowering thing. When I sat down to write my first book, I didn't think, I'm a genius, this will be easy, of course I could do it. That would have been ego because I was doing something that I've never done before. But what I did bring to that was a sort of cautious sense of, I'm not a quitter. I've practiced. I want this very badly. I have good mentors and advisors. I know how to ask for help. Like we're talking about, I know how to ask questions. I know I'm good at problem solving.

8:13I know that if I don't quit, I can get through this, right? That's what you want to bring, I think, to life's problems and difficulties and also just, you know, life itself. Let me extrapolate that into a corporate setting where, you know, maybe you're an industry dominant player that has been able to deliver consistent results above anyone in the competition. That's what I mean with, you know, maybe having too much confidence that can turn into ego. Well, that can be, yeah, sure. Like when you think about like prize fighting, right? The underdog, uh, beats the overconfident champion, but then what happens?

8:51They become the overconfident champion. That's what ego is. Ego makes us complacent. It makes us entitled. We don't do the work, right? We don't sense or see our vulnerabilities, right? Precisely the thing that our competitors are laser focused on. So you have to have that humility, that awareness of where you can get better, of what you're not doing well, a desire, willingness to change and adapt and be something new to reinvent yourself. You have to be willing to do that. And the people that endure and last, that's what they have. So sure, you could look at yourself as the dominant player in your space.

9:31and that could be sort of a weakness because you're in high up. But you could also look at how long has this company been in business? 80 years. 80 years. Think of what you were 80 years ago. Think of what you were 10 years ago, 20 years ago. And think of what's happened in the world, in this country, and in all the individual markets you've been. Think of just the sheer magnitude of stuff that you have endured, that you've adjusted to, that you've figured out. the technological changes, the demographic changes, the market change. Like if there's one thing this company should be confident in, it's your ability to adapt and evolve and change.

10:14And so when we talk about perspective, it's not just like, oh, I zoom out. It's not so bad. But it's like, what assets or traits do you value in yourself? Right. Is it we're great? We're going to stay in business because we've got the most resources, well, that's probably, you know, a bad handle to that. But if you go, no, we're the ones with a culture of change and adaptation and like, or just like, we're survivors, like we're hard to kill. Are we survivors? Yeah. That's an adaptive, like growth mindset that I think makes you better. I love it. Ryan, in about 2018, you wrote an article about 12 questions that will change your life.

11:04And the last one is, what is the meaning of your life? And with your trajectory and everything that you've accomplished, I would love for you to share what do you think is the meaning of your life up to now? It's interesting. So, Viktor Frankl survives three different concentration camps. he loses his wife and his family in the Holocaust the worst things a person can go through he sort of comes out of it he's a psychologist and he's sort of asking himself what is the meaning of life this is the essential question of the humans what is the meaning of life and he ends up kind of flipping it on his head and he says perhaps it's life that's asking us the question and we answer it in the things that we do like how you spend your life what you do answers whether it is meaningful or not.

11:55And I think about that a lot. The Stoics say acta non verba, like actions, not words. So obviously, you know, writing and it's a lot of words, but I try to think more about like, what am I doing? Where, how am I making a positive difference in the community that I live, you know, and the people around it? How am I making a positive difference there? So like I was telling you guys about my decision to make a bookstore, or open a bookstore. I certainly wasn't opening a bookstore because I hope to make a lot of money, right? It's pretty much the worst idea you could possibly have. But it was something like, I've gotten so much out of books and ideas.

12:35And, you know, I discovered the Stoics in a bookstore. And I thought it would be really cool to pay that forward. And so I feel like a lot of the meaning that I derive from my life is not in writing itself, but in taking ideas that have been personally beneficial to me and bringing them or spreading them to other people. So I, I feel like I have an ability to communicate these ancient ideas in a modern way. And like my, that's, that's what gets me out of bed in the morning is the ability to do that, knowing from my own experience, like what kind of impact those ideas can have on a person. So I feel like, you know if you're doing what you do because you know you want to be powerful or important or those are not the good reasons those are not those are not good whys those are not good motivations and and just as like anger i'm going to prove these people wrong like these that's bad fuel but i think the more your fuel is about other people like the more it's about delivering value for other people making a positive difference in other people's lives.

13:46There's a sign at a park near my house. And it just says, instead of saying like, no littering, clean up after yourself. It just says, leave this place better than you found it. And I love that. That really resonates, especially because our slogan, as you know, is Mejora Tu Vida, which is better your life. And I think it really rounds well with everything that we've talked about. I wanted to see if you had any questions for us and the public. That's a good question. I don't know, but what do you think I should ask? Well, how about the audience? Does anyone have any questions that they would like to ask?

14:24You just mentioned that it's important for you to put your emotions away. But that is, in my opinion, the hardest thing to do. So what are your recommendations in order to achieve to put your emotions away? I heard a great anecdote once. Someone was asking his grandfather, you know, did you ever fight with grandma? And he said, we never argued, but I took a lot of walks. And his point was that, you know, there's always points of disagreement. We have the emotions, but sometimes what we need is like the pause before we act on them. So when I was telling you about my day, I try to start my day with a space for going outside, a little bit of space for reflection.

15:15This is one of the reasons I try to exercise every day. It's great for my physical health, but it's even better for my mental health. I want to work out those problems either in the gym, in the pages of a journal, on the soles of my feet, rather than on the people around me or the problems that I have in front of me. I want to create space. I think space is definitely one way to do it. I do think it's important. The Stoics aren't saying like, pretend you don't feel anything or stuff those emotions down. But I think it's about processing them or channeling them. Does that make sense? Like, I think if you're just like pretending you're not feeling anything, eventually that kind of comes exploding out.

15:57But if you can go, okay, well, why do I feel the way that I'm feeling? What is that based on? you know, what can I do about it? And then how can I make sure that I'm not reacting? So again, go to the idea of anger, because I think anger is such a potent emotion. Being angry and doing something out of anger, we can make a big distinction there, right? Like, I don't like that. That wasn't fair. That's upsetting. That's alarming. Any of the feelings that you have, right? They're here. But then the actions that we take, you know, while those feelings are roiling this up inside, you know, that's very different.

16:36So I try to give myself space to feel that emotion, even if that emotion is envy or, you know, I feel it. And then before I take action, I try to go, you know, why am I doing this? Am I doing this because I've been feeling X, Y, or Z? or is it because this is something that actually needs to be done or is constructive or helpful? Or I'm turning this obstacle into an opportunity. Yes. And sometimes provocative, annoying, frustrating, these are just opportunities for us to practice having those emotions or the opposite of the emotion. Somebody did something to you that wasn't fair, that wasn't right.

17:16This is a chance for you to practice patience or forgiveness. or maybe it's an opportunity to stand up for yourself, right? You could see it however you want, but I think just making sure that you're not doing things in the full sway of that emotion is really, really important. Like I've never lost my temper and then, you know, like a day later, I've been like, I'm so glad I did that. That was so wonderful for everyone involved, including me, right? You regret it. And so how do we try to interrupt that process is really important. did that answer the question yes ryan thank you so much for being here with us i think we've learned a lot and we have a five-step process as to how to turn obstacles into opportunities with your book the obstacle is the way thank you everybody for being here with us today thank you guys appreciate it

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