You’re Afraid of Death Because of This? | 12 Stoic Rules For Life

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1:40Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where each day we read a passage of ancient wisdom designed to help you in your everyday life. On Tuesdays, we take a closer look at these stoic ideas, how we can apply them in our actual lives. Thanks for listening, and I hope you enjoy.

2:06You're afraid of death because of this? It isn't that life is short, Seneca reminds us, it's that we waste so much of it. We squander time arguing with strangers online and answering emails that we could just as easily delete. We stay stuck in jobs we hate to chase status symbols and things we don't even want. Or even just how we hide parts of ourselves because we're worried about how we'll come across. Too weird, too rude, too much. Or we do activities we don't enjoy just to fit in with others. Marcus Aurelius, frustrated with some obnoxious thing that was consuming his days, once asked himself, you're afraid of death because you won't be able to do this anymore?

2:46That's the power of memento mori, the clarity it offers. By keeping death close, it reminds us of what actually matters in life. David Kessler, a grief and loss expert who spent thousands of hours with people on death's door, he recently told us on the Daily Stoic podcast, it was one of the most moving episodes I've ever done. I think you should really listen to it. He said, this is what stands out to him about dying, said, everything we worry about day to day, you just don't worry about in the end. He shared a story with us of someone at home enjoying the company of friends and family in the last chapter of their life.

3:21The person was asked if they wanted to go see their friend's new car, which was parked outside. And he said, I've been at homes and, you know, someone comes over and says, do you want to, to the person who's, you know, in the last chapter their life, do you want to see my new car? And they're like, no, no. How ridiculous was that concept all of a sudden? You just realize, oh, everything that we thought was going to make us and become us and what we identify means nothing. It means nothing. And it's the people, it's the love, it's everything else. Again, this is the insight that Memento Mori provides us.

4:06By thinking, by imagining that we've just given a few months to live, we can immediately see what we would stop doing, what we wouldn't care about. We'll realize that we won't have any more time to waste. And before you know it, there is this urgent, emergent need to do the things we love and place the things that we don't, to spend time with the people we love instead of wasting it on those we don't. And this is the positive sign of memento mori. What would I stop doing? Not simply what would I stop doing, but rather what would I start doing? How would I spend the limited time I had left? Where could I find meaning and purpose and joy?

4:37Whatever that is, do more of it today because you are immortal, because what matters is people. It's love. Everything else is basically beside the point. And while Halloween is a playful time of year here in America full of tricks and treats and skeletons, it's also an opportunity to practice Memento Mori, a reminder to treat our time as a gift, to realize that we will someday be like those ghosts and skeletons. We've got a bunch of cool reminders, embodiments of this in the Daily Stokes. I'll link to that in today's show notes. My favorite is the Memento Mori pendant. it's a necklace you've probably seen me wearing it my wife wears one every day it's handcrafted here in new york city and it's got the tulip the skull the hourglass on it and on the back it says live accordingly right memento mori live accordingly i think it's very powerful and uh so is david's interview definitely listen to that it's super powerful and have a good halloween

5:35life without design Seneca says is erratic basically if we if we don't have rules if we don't have practices that we're trying to abide by standards we're holding ourselves to we're just kind of winging it and this is where we get ourselves into trouble meanwhile when we have clear black and white rules when we have standards well then it makes our decisions it makes our lives, it makes our days much easier. So that's what I want to talk about in today's episode. I want to give you 12 stoic rules for life.

6:12A stoic rule for life is that you have to own the morning. One of the most relatable passages in Mark Sturlus' meditations is him struggling with precisely this rule. He's woken up, it's before dawn, it's cold, and he doesn't want to get up. And he says, you know, but is this what you were put here to do to huddle under the blankets and stay warm? No, of course not. We have responsibilities. We have obligations. We have potential. We want to go realize that. So a stoic gets up early. They rise to meet the morning because we're lucky to have the morning. One of the flip sides of the stoic memento mori practice is if you went to bed thinking, hey, this is the end of my life.

6:47It's over. When you wake up in the morning, you're like, this is extra. How awesome is this? And you're excited to get up and get after it. We can win the morning by getting up early, by not getting sucked into our phone, by not getting sucked into what other people want from us, but by being intentional, by being proactive, spending some time with a journal, going for a walk, doing deep work, focusing on the most important task, right? Concentrate on what's before you like a Roman, and Mark Sturulus tells him elsewhere in meditations. So if we win the morning, you've already won a good chunk of the day.

7:20And remember, if we win the day, then, well, that's awesome because our life is made up of days. Another stoic rule for life is to focus on what's in our control. Epictetus says this is like the most basic job of the philosopher. There's some stuff that's up to us. There's some stuff that's not up to us. And if you don't know the difference, you're lost. And we have to understand we have a finite amount of energy. And so if we focus on things that are not up to us, what other people say, what other people do, what's already happened, what may happen in the distant future, what we're neglecting is what's right here in front of us, what is up to us.

7:54Not a lot is up to us, but our opinions are up to us. Our emotions are up to us. Our actions are up to us. What we do about what has happened is up to us. And so this idea of mastering the dichotomy of control, mastering what was laid down in the serenity prayer, having the courage to change the things that we can, the wisdom to accept the things that we cannot change is a critical stoic rule. I focus on what's up to me. I leave what's not up to me to other people. I leave the mistakes to other people. I leave judgments to other people. I leave the worry and anxiety to other people. I'm gonna focus on what's up to me.

8:32I'm gonna do what I can do here. Another stoic rule for life is to be present, to not suffer from imagined trouble. So think about anxiety, think about worry, think about fears. What we're doing is thinking about things that are not in our control, thinking about things that haven't happened yet. Seneca says, he who suffers before it is necessary suffers more than it's necessary. He says, we suffer more in our imaginations than in reality. It's a bad use of our creativity to run our minds over this terrible thing that's going to happen. And now when that happens, and we're going to have to do this, and then this is going to happen, and then this, and all of a sudden we've catastrophized ourselves into an alternate reality that's never happened before, that probably will not happen.

9:14And you know what we've done? We've neglected the thing that is in our control. So look, of course, the Stoics are realistic. They do think about the things that could happen, but insofar as to come up with a plan for how they would respond to that, and then they move on, they come back to being present. What's in my control right now? What can I do, right? They're proactive, but they're not irrational and they don't torture themselves. Another important Stoic rule is to just do one thing every day. Seneca writing to his friend Lucilius says, look, let's try to acquire one thing every day. This is something that will fortify us against poverty, against death, or any other kinds of misfortune, like a quote, a story, an idea, an anecdote.

9:56And this is what he and his friend Lucilius are doing in their letters back and forth. He goes, here's the thing I promised you. And he's excited to get the thing from Lucilius. So again, the path to wisdom isn't like these amazing epiphanies, this huge breakthrough. It's also not something you do one time. It's a day day-to-day thing. So if you see philosophy as a thing that you do, that you're acquiring one new thing, one new understanding, you're reading one passage, one quote, one page, one essay. If you think of it as this ongoing process, that's what stoicism is as a philosophy. So think about my rule is I try to find one stoic insight every day.

10:31That's kind of what Daily Stoic was built around. Then you're going to be making a lot of progress. Now, related to this rule is another really important stoic rule. It's actually also expressed in the motto of the Boy Scouts, to do one good turn every day. We have to understand that stoicism is not this selfish, self-absorbed philosophy. It was a philosophy of virtue. It was a philosophy of doing the right thing. And so how can you think about going through your life? How can you set a rule or an intention for yourself that you try to do one helpful thing every day? You do one kind thing every day.

11:04You do a generous thing every day. You do something decent. And these can be big things or small things, but let's understand that virtue, that justice specifically as one of the virtues is a verb and not a noun. It's a thing you are doing. So Stoke tries to do the right thing, not generally, but tries to do the right thing specifically in this situation, in that situation. How am I going to treat this person? What's the choice that I'm going to make? How am I going to respond to this? Not what can I get away with? Not what's the minimum, but what's something good I can do here? A Stoic tries to go through the day doing good things.

11:40Seneca said, we have to remember that every person we meet is an opportunity for kindness. Think about it this way. The people you meet are an opportunity to do the right thing, to do a good thing, to do a kind thing. Another Stoic rule is actually, I think, best phrased as a question. Mark Sturrilis said, we have to ask ourselves in everything we do and say and think, is this essential? And he says, because the problem is most of what we do in say and think is not essential. But when we eliminate the inessential, we get the double benefit of doing essential things better. Maybe this rule is best expressed.

12:12Do only the essential things. Get rid of the extraneous, right? Simplify. Ask yourself, am I doing this because other people are doing it? Am I doing it because I've always done it? Or am I doing it because it's important? Am I doing it because it matters? Am I doing it because it moves me forward? Am I doing it because it's a good thing to do for myself or for other people. And if it's not, eliminate. No is such a powerful word. No, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm not interested. No, thank you. We have to say no, because when we say yes to things, because we don't want to be rude to someone, we are in fact being rude to ourselves, to our family, to our other obligations.

12:46When we say no, we are also saying yes to the things that are essential and important. Mark Stewart says, if you want more time, if you want more tranquility, you're going to have to eliminate the inessential things and only do the essential things. And we can imagine if you're the emperor of Rome, how important this was. There was an unlimited amount of requests and impositions on his time. If he was not disciplined, if he did not say no, he would never get the important things done. A critical stoic rule is to speak with the dead. Now, what does that mean? I know that's a little confusing. When Zeno was a young man, he went and he visited the oracle at Delphi.

13:20And the oracle said, you will become wise when you begin to have conversations with the dead. Now, he had no idea what this meant until he ended up in a bookstore many years later having washed up and lost everything and in this bookstore here's the man reading a passage from socrates and this is when zeno who was living not long after socrates had died that zeno finally understood the prophecy that reading was a way to have conversations with the dead that's what philosophy was this is why they call the western canon the great conversation so basically what i'm saying is you should be reading every day not reading the news not reading social media not reading the comments on this youtube video but reading every day are you lingering on the works of the master thinkers, as Seneca said.

13:56Are you pouring over the great texts? This is where we can find that one thing a day, right? But you should be reading every day, taking a little quiet time, having a little stillness. You're away from your screens, you're away from the noise of the world, and you're reading. You can put yourself in the same room as Socrates, or Zeno, or Seneca, or Lincoln, or Shakespeare. You can talk to these people. You can be inspired by Cato or his daughter, poor Shikato. This is a wonderful thing. As Seneca said, books allow us to annex into our age all the ages of the past. It's a way to draw on the wisdom from the people who came before us, and this has to be a Stoic rule of life.

14:35Another Stoic rule is that we are tough on ourselves, but tolerant for others. Now, you might think with one of the Stoic virtues being discipline, the Stoics are tough on other people, but it's important to remember that they're talking about self-discipline. This is why Mark Shrewd says, remember, tolerant with others, strict with yourself. He's saying, look, I can hold myself to high standards because that's in my control. Can he hold his troublesome stepbrother, Lucius Ferris, his co-emperor, to the same standards? No, he cannot. Because again, remember, it's called self-discipline. Remembering that other people make mistakes.

15:06Other people are not as educated as you. Other people don't have the advantages that you have. Other people don't understand stoicism the way you do. So to be tough on them, to be judgmental to them, to write them off is to make a mistake. Mark Schroeder says, you got to remember, we're all meant to work together. He said, we can't blame them. We can't let them implicate us in their low standards or their problems. We can't let them drag us down, but we also can't write them off or exclude them. You still have to have boundaries. Again, you still have to maintain your standards, but you want to be tolerant and forgiving other people.

15:38And look, remember, we are pretty tolerant with ourselves too. When we mess up, when we make a mistake. We understand our reasons. We understand that it doesn't say that much about us as a person. Now let's make sure we're extending that same courtesy to other people. Come up with an explanation that allows you to have hope and faith in them. Come up with an explanation that allows you to understand and empathize with them. Come up with an explanation that allows you to be compassionate and understanding of them. Another stoic rule is that we make beautiful choices. Epictetus says, if you want to be beautiful, make beautiful choices.

16:13He would have been familiar with an idea from Musonius Rufus, his teacher. His teacher says, look, if you do something in pursuit of pleasure, the pleasure passes quickly, but the shame remains. He says, but when you do something hard in pursuit of virtue, when you do something difficult or when you exert self-discipline, he says, the work expires quickly, but the pride remains. And so as we think about the choices that we have to make in the course of the day, are we making the hard right choices? Are we making the beautiful choice? The famous choice at the founding of stoicism is known as the choice of Hercules.

16:43Hercules comes to a crossroads and he has to choose between virtue and vice, the easy way and the hard way. Hercules would not have become Hercules if he'd chosen the easier path. So as you are deciding between getting up and hitting the snooze button and rolling over, right, which choice are you going to make? Are you choosing between the kind thing or the unkind thing? Are you choosing beautifully or not? Are you choosing between going for the run or sitting on the couch, beautiful or not beautiful? Are you choosing on being forgiving and understanding? Or are you choosing between being strict and harsh and unfair?

17:14We make beautiful choices and we are beautiful. A great Stoic rule is to listen more than you speak. Zeno said, look, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. And we have all sorts of great quotes from the Stoics about saying, you know, look, it's better to trip with your feet than your tongue. Or as you're about to talk to ask yourself, hey, is this better left unset? the discipline and the wisdom to shut up is a very powerful one. There's a story about an ancient Spartan who's sitting there at this dinner. Everyone's talking. Everyone's talking. He's just sitting there. And finally, someone says, hey, why haven't you spoken?

17:47Are you stupid? And he says, if I was stupid, I wouldn't have been able to be quiet this whole time. And so if we understand that we're here to learn, that we're always studying and reading and trying to absorb knowledge as opposed to vomiting it out, we're going to get better. One of the laws laws of power is always say less than necessary. We regret what we say much more often than we regret what we didn't say. And so focusing on putting your ego aside, not needing to prove how smart you are, not needing to fill the awkward silence, but be willing to listen, be willing to hear, to absorb. That's how we find the one thing a day.

18:23If we are always talking and producing and yammering, we're going to miss all the lessons that are out there. So Stoic tries to cultivate humility, tries to cultivate an openness and awareness, and this is an essential part of the Stoic practice. The most important Stoic rule is to remember that everything is an opportunity, to turn every obstacle into an opportunity. In Mark Spurius' famous passage, he says, the impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. He says that doesn't matter what happens to us, we always have the ability to accommodate, adjust, adapt.

18:57It's not always that every situation is going to be a chance to make more money or to be more successful, but we always have a chance to practice virtue, right? We always have a chance to make beautiful choices, even ugly situations. In fact, you could argue that the upside of ugly situations is the opportunity to make a beautiful choice. Someone hurt you. You didn't choose it. It's not what you wanted. It's a chance for you to choose forgiveness. Let's say you've been discriminated against. You've been held back. You can make the choice to persevere, to push through, and also the beautiful choice, the virtuous choice, not to become ridden with grievances or resentment or anger.

19:35So the Stoics say that we don't control what happens, right? We control how we respond to what happens. We control what we make of the situations that life finds us in. We turn it into account. We use it all as fuel. He says, just like what you throw on top of a fire becomes fuel for the fire, so too with the obstacles and difficulties of life. So a stoic isn't just kind of resigned and passive. A stoic is active. Everything you throw at them makes them become greater, right? Because they're making beautiful choices, because they're doing good things for the world, because they're being present, right?

20:09They're able to convert and adapt all the circumstances of life to their own advantage and benefit. The final and most important stoic rule and stoic practice is this idea of memento mori. The stoics say, look, you don't die once at the end of your life. In fact, you are dying every day. You're dying every minute. As time passes, it is dead to you and gone forever. The reason we have to be present, why we can't worry about what's already happened or worried about what will happen is that what's in front of us is the only thing that we have for sure. You could leave life right now, Mark's really said, let that determine what you do and say and think, right?

20:46That's why this is a stoic rule. focus on this thing in front of you as if it matters, as if it's the last thing that you can do. Don't tell yourself it doesn't matter. Don't tell yourself that you get a second chance. You can do it again later. Don't tell yourself you'll do it tomorrow because you don't know that that's happening. And as we wind down our lives, right, as we wind down our day, we say to ourselves, hey, that was it. I lived a full life today. And so when we wake up in the morning, if we are so lucky, we're excited. We rise to meet the dawn. We want to get after it because this is a second chance.

21:13This is bonus time. We're playing with house money now. Let's use it. Let's make the most of it. Let's make beautiful choices. Let's be, as Mark's really said, the person that philosophy tried to make us. And that's what these rules are for. They're to help you become what you're capable of being, help you do what only you are capable of doing. Every day I send out one stoic inspired email to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world. If you want more Stoic wisdom in your inbox, you can sign up at dailystoic.com slash email. It's totally free. You can unsubscribe at any time. We'd love to have you.

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