How to Take Your Power Back After Toxic Relationships with Sara Davison

26:08But we don't have anything that's, well, for me personally, that's the most stunning bird I'd ever seen. And yeah, they're everywhere. And where I was in Sydney, they were everywhere. And I was like, wow, but this one landed at my feet and sort of looked at me. Wow. And it was just, yeah, you're right. I'm not judging. It's just cool. I was just wondering. I was like, hey, why the bird? I don't know. But then you just had pigeons in London. So, you know, that's, that's probably that. So screw you. Watch this new book coming out, but I really forget the fact that it's a book for the audience sake.

26:45Everybody has that moment where I always called like, fuck you, hold my beer because, you know, you get tested with something. Yeah. You can use it. I haven't trademarked it. I'm not sure the publisher would have gone with that as a title. No, not the title, but you could put the asterisk. No, no, no. You keep this. I was saying the, the whole, the whole idea is okay, fine. Watch me. Yeah. Watch me. You can't do this, Sean, or you can't do this, sir. Okay. Screw you. Watch this. So walk me through this book. So I guess it's everything I wish I'd had access to. And I think a lot of people struggle because like earlier we touched on a lot of people stay stuck and you stay stuck because you cannot move towards something you can't see.

27:32Right. So if you can't see the future and it's gray or sometimes it's a black hole, sometimes it's a blank canvas. But if you can't see it, then there's no way you can move towards it. So this is all about taking your power back to throw as much color on that canvas or even shine a bright light into that black hole. So it illuminates what's coming next. And I think some people say, well, how did you get to that pivotal moment? Because I can't get up off the bathroom floor or I'm still sat in bed eating crisps or chips. Yeah. So, you know, it's like, okay, well, screw you. Watch this works for anyone.

28:07Super simple. Step one, you just have to think about the thing that's holding you back. It's like, you know, the feeling, the trigger that the voice or the words that you hear and screw you can be calm, like screw you, you know, to the fear, not to your ex. This isn't about revenge. This is a screw you, or it can be screw you, you know, depending on where you're at. and then that's sort of saying no to the past it's saying i'm letting that go and then watch this is very much standing up straight your chin up a big smile on your face even if you don't feel like it but shifting your physiology is the most important thing at this point and then saying watch this and again it can be watch this you know but it it creates that fire in your belly to get you up to get you to change direction to get you to go you know what i'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I'm going to step up and turn this thing around.

28:55And then it's important, step three, the final step is just to take some action. So make that call, write the plan, say yes to something, say no to something, whatever it is, take some action because action creates that transformation. It turns that mantra, screw you, watch this into something that's a reality. And that creates momentum and starts those changes happening. And that's what we want. We want what I call sticky change, which is lasting change. But it's a very empowering, Whenever I say, screw you, watch this in my training school and I'm training my coaches, whatever, they're like, yeah, I love that.

29:27No, it's amazing. It's, it's impactful because I mean, I'm a former athlete. So I think in terms of this, and I grew up with this small crater sized chip on my shoulder. Right. And sometimes it still shows up and I gotta, I gotta bring in the humility here. I'm like, all right, dude, you're not that person anymore. Yeah. But I think that we all go through traumas in life. if we all go through hearing things from people that we love, right? Parents, grandparents that tell us we can't do something. And so you grow up and you have this, this governor on you. Like I can't go faster than 65 or I can't go do this because, you know, I'm not the celebrity or I'm, or I'm not good looking enough.

30:07I'm not tall enough, but there's, there's a lot of power. And for the audience here of getting your power back, when you sit there, say screw you watch this you're building a process you're identifying you're getting you're getting quiet with it you're making an action plan you're sticking with it yeah it's almost funny to me how everything great in life or every success great coaching school and you gotta you trained a bunch of people it came from a process yeah and it came from pain pain is power it's that journey like you said, you touched on like most people who are doing stuff like that have been on the rock bottom.

30:49Yeah. The process to me is so interesting, right? Because you talk about identifying it and then what was the second step again? So identify and then shift your physiology. Right. And then action. Yeah. They get stuck there. Yeah. Action. And out of all the people you've coached, I'm sure that is a massive sticking point. Can you educate the audience, how you help individuals get out of being stuck between two and three. Yeah. I mean, it really is about committing to do something, even if it's a small step. So chunking it down, like where you want to go can look like this huge mountain, which is terrifying because you've got to get from the bottom to the top, but that's always going to be the way in life.

31:30If you've got dreams or goals, there's always going to be a journey. So it's about starting small, chunking it down into really simple, easy steps. So it could be, you know, have a think about one thing you can do right now that's going to move you forward. So it might even be just phoning a friend and saying, right, take notes and hold me accountable because this is what I'm about to do. I want to change stuff. I'm not going to tell my old story anymore. That's a great thing actually, because telling your story keeps you stuck because your brain doesn't know the difference between it being something that happened in the past or happening right now in this moment.

32:01So you're giving them the latest episode of what your ex has done and you're reliving all those negative emotions. So we've got to stop that. And I always say to my coaches, you can't stop something or ask a client to stop something without replacing it with something else. Because otherwise, when they get to that moment, they're going to go back to their old patterns. So replace it with something else, which is your new future. So this mountain you want to climb, what's the project? And get your friend to hold you accountable to small steps every day. Because over quite a short period of time, a small step every day is a huge leap forward, even just a month.

32:36But by keeping that momentum and telling people who will hold you accountable and swapping out some of the old, more destructive behaviors for positive ones, that's how you really start to create something. And in two or three days, you'll start to feel that. It's an instant change. It's not something you have to go to therapy for six months, two months, a year. This is instant change. And this all comes, you can do it. This is the empowering toolkit that I hope is in the book there for people to say, you can do this. Everyone can do this. It's just a mindset and it starts with one decision. I deserve better.

33:11You're firing me up right now because everything you're talking about is the basis of what we do here. It's all of the same stuff. And the thing that I loved most, and because I struggled with this. If I wanted to make a change, I felt like I had to be a night and day difference every single day. So I'm over here today. And then, you know, yesterday, now today I've got to be a thousand times better and go that hard every single day. And what it did is it wore me out. And when I started to realize that my a hundred percent is not going to look the same every single day. Yeah. Right. So there's certain times where I would, you know, go in the gym.

33:50I'm like, well, or not go to the gym because I didn't feel good. Now, if I don't feel good, I go. And I'm like, okay, well, after six different exercises and three sets or four sets each, I'm like, all right, now I can make the distinction. I don't feel well. I'm not going to do that other exercise because I feel like I'm going to get hurt if I do. And if that's not a thing, then I do it. But it's small increments. It is, to your point, making that phone call, Or it could be, I want to phone my ex and tell him what a POS he or she is. Probably didn't recommend that one. Yeah. We've all been there.

34:28Sent that text to you. But maybe, hey, I'm going to go for a walk. Yeah. Or I'm going to read five pages in a book. Every time I feel this energy, I'm going to read five pages in a nonfiction, self-development book. And you start building out this process. And it's not only a process, it becomes a standard. And I think that's where it gets really sticky. You're talking about those sticky changes. It's because it becomes a standard of yours. Yeah, I said part of your daily routine that you wake up. Now, a lot of people, when they wake up, the first thing they hear is what? Either beep, beep, beep, which is not a nice noise to wake up to.

35:06Or they switch on the news. And it's like, oh my goodness. So, you know, instantly there's things you can change. And that becomes more of your daily routine. So you start with your favorite upbeat song or birds chirping, whatever your thing is, right? And it's small changes that become part of your life. And I think you touched on something there about looking after yourself. And a lot of empaths who are the sort of audience reading my books and following me on Instagram, they feel that self-care is selfish. And the reason is they put themselves bottom of the pile because they're looking after a partner, the kids, they're doing the work.

35:42You know, they've got a job or a career or they're working for themselves. Everything else comes first. And so they haven't got time for that gym session or a bath or, you know, just taking some time out for them or spending time with people that make them feel good about themselves, you know. So it's not selfish. It's essential because otherwise you get to the point where you can't help anybody. So building that into your daily routine is actually what I would say, one of the life skills that we need to master. I love it. It's just like when you're on an airplane. Yeah. If there's any loss of pressure in the cabin, secure your mask and then help the children next to you or elderly next to you.

36:20It's you first. Have you seen an empath? They're like, okay, well, no, I'm not going to do me. I'm going to do you first. My wife is a crazy empath. Like she, I mean, it's a gift, but you have to know how to use it or it could be a very, very hard thing to deal with. But you know, when I think of this and we were talking about, you know, for your, your students that you coach and for the audience listening, it's like guys and girls taking care of yourself first and foremost is not selfish. Yeah. It's the most selfless thing you can do when done in the right intentions. I'm not saying go out to the pub.

36:57That's what you guys say, right? Or go to a bar and get whacked out drunk or pissed. Yeah, we say that. Is that what you guys say? Yeah. Okay. Thanks for translating from my audience. hey i'm good right you're great i love it that's selfish in a bad way because you're you're breaking yourself down but when you go and take care of yourself and and pour into you you are so on it yeah for your family yeah you're for your kids your your your colleagues at work your friends like everybody around you is better because you are better yeah so moms dads if you're not taking care of yourself because you think your kids need you.

37:39Well, if you don't take care of yourself, you're not going to be around. Yeah. It's not going to be around because you can get, you can, you can get sick and it's your job. I always say it's, it's my job every single day. First thing is to take care of me so I can be healthy and have a clear mind for my beautiful children and my beautiful wife. That is it. I love that. Yeah. It's not selfish. No. It's yeah. If that's selfish, sign me up. I'll take it. I love it. I think it's, then that's to your point of making it a daily habit is key because it's, you can't just do the self-care when you've crashed.

38:16Because it is a lot harder to crawl your way out when you've crashed with the hole that you're in than just to maintain every day. Even when you're busy and, you know, the kids need you and you've got things going on, you've got to find a way to make that a non-negotiable in your weekly routine. Yeah. And I always do it. Like I always do those things for me. Like I don't encroach on family time too. I want everybody to understand that too, because a lot of people might be saying, what's the what you just go do that. And you don't hang out with your family. No, I'm either up at 4am when they're fast asleep.

38:45I'm in the gym taking care of me because that is my therapy. Yeah. Talk therapy doesn't work for me. Nothing works for me than working on my body. And that is my time of meditation. That's my therapy. Again, I do it when they're asleep or I do it when they're at work or my kids are at school. And if I can go work out at seven in the morning or eight in the morning, instead of five in the morning, I'm all good. I'm going to go do that. But I always make sure I take care of myself throughout the frameworks of the day. So that way when they walk through the door, I'm present. Yeah. I'm there. Yeah.

39:24Super important with kids that you are present. especially if you have another parent who is maybe not present or their life revolves around them when they come and they're in your house say i know you mentioned 50 50 you know with your kids that's really hard yeah especially when you're the person who is you know the healthy parent and now you don't get to see your kids because someone else's actions but again we we help a lot of people through that in fact that's actually the most the the most spoken about topic on our free online support groups. My business provides three hours of online free coaching every week on Zoom.

39:59So you can come on because loneliness and isolation are actually the two biggest society's issues right now. They're the two biggest challenges that we all face. And that's not just to do with divorce, I guess. It's just to do with lots of things that people are going through right now. But for those who are dealing with heartbreak or divorce, coming onto those groups gives them a tribe, find their tribe, get support. And the number But one thing on that is I'm struggling with not seeing my kids. That's so hard. I remember it. Yeah. I remember it. Now it's normalcy for me. Yeah. I miss them. Yeah.

40:30Like when there's a, you know, even a two day stretch is hard. And then there's a five day stretch every other week. I'm like, oh, this sucks. Yeah. But I find the beauty in it. Yeah. You know, I can say I have two beautiful children to miss right now and I can't wait till they come back and I'm going to pour into them. We're going to do fun things and we're going to teach lessons. We're going to do all the homework. We're going to do all that stuff. But it is something that is a real thing. And most people, I would venture to say most couples, you or individuals you help, they're unwilling at the beginning to make that move because they can't even fathom another man being in the house with children or another woman.

41:10And that is a real fear. Oh, yeah. And it's real. It's visceral and it's painful. Um, yeah, even if, even if it's your decision to leave, it hurts, but if it wasn't and you never signed up to not seeing your kids every day, putting them to bed every day, that's definitely something that takes some navigation and some understanding. Yeah. And it's a shift of focus and it's absolutely possible. That's the hope, right? I know if you're listening to this and you're feeling that it feels like there isn't, but there is, there's tools you can use. You know, we, we create those that we have groups that support, you know, I created everything that I wish I'd had because this was one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with.

41:47You know, it, it was heartbreaking and devastating until I made a few, a few shifts and shifted my focus to, you know, building me back up and actually becoming a better person, a better woman that wasn't a mom, that wasn't a partner, that wasn't, you know, needed by everybody else, but using that time to rebuild me so that I was a better parent when my son came back. Yeah. Building Sarah. Yeah. Isn't it funny how, I bet you when you started doing that and then you got to a point where like, all right, you weren't worried about the other woman. You weren't worried about anybody else. To be honest, the most important thing with kids is if they're kind to them, that's all you can hope for.

42:27That's the most important thing. However you personally feel about whatever their actions were or how they came into your world, that is irrelevant. We have to put the kids first. And what is best for them is to, you know, you want them to go there and have someone that's nice, bakes cookies with them, does stuff with them, or at least welcomes them in and isn't mean. you know and if you've got that that's a really big plus and that's something to be grateful for so i think it's it's a tough one to get your head around yeah it's a hard but we're the adults right and we need to do what's best for our kids yeah even when it's the hard hard thing i just know someone's you know taking this episode in and going through that right now yeah me too i just i just know that's happening you know yeah it gets better it does it gets better it does and there's things you can do now that will help that so yeah like what drugs well

43:17what is that going to make you laugh in here i'm gonna make you laugh i mean i think it is all about self-empowerment and using that time to to to become the person that you want to be in that time so when they come back to you you are in a better place because if you have you know i mean i have married friends now who are like you gotta have like a week off Obviously, you're not doing the school runs that week. You can either lie in, but not for me. I'm working, I'm doing something, I'm traveling. But you can do stuff that isn't all about your child. So you get to be you. I get to be Sarah and then I get to then be mum.

43:52And that gives you a freedom that sometimes married friends are like, gosh, I wish I could jump off the treadmill just for a moment and just go out or go to dinner without thinking, oh, I wonder what time the babysitter's leaving. So there are positives, but you have to dig deep and it's a process. It's so funny because I remember when my two oldest were young, we didn't have Mia yet. You know, so my wife and I, when we didn't have Bobby and Alina, we were able to go do whatever. Yeah. We could go date. We could go on trips. Can't do that now because we got the little one. Yeah. But my point is there are ways to preoccupy yourself to enrich your life in different ways so that you're better when they come back.

44:34Yeah. I think it's just got to be a focus. So instead of, and I'm not saying it's not hard, but instead of going down that rabbit hole of shame and depression, when they're not there, do you do something constructive. You know, if you've, if it's been burning at you that I really want to read 10 books this year and start reading 10 books. Yeah. You know, not at once though. Just, just one. Funny story. I. Maybe this one. Screw you. Watch this. Yeah, definitely that one. I when when I first separated um and I was handing my son over I started dating a guy and I really liked him and it was great we were together for about 18 months and I thought it was wonderful and then over time just clearly wasn't working but I was kind of hanging on in there and we sat down and we had this the final I think we should break up kind of discussion and I said but what am I going to do when my son's at his dad's?

45:32And he said, Sarah, that really is not a reason to stay with me. And I realized that was actually probably one of the primary reasons I was with him. But that's a real emotion. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't stuff that emotion down and just kind of cover it up and say, oh, I'm going to do this. And you've got to actually face that and deal with that and then put something concrete. Because if you're relying on someone else to fix the gaps in you're screwed on that front. You've got to take responsibility and accountability to do the work to heal you. So you can go into a relationship. There isn't a crutch.

46:03It's actually something that you come in on an equal basis and you build together. Right. So yeah, that was my learning from that. It's interesting. Interesting. It's amazing to me how life takes people through journeys, whether it's a breakup or, you know, bad relationship, there's always a lesson to learn. And I truly believe that if we can take the good lessons out of every bad situation, there's always a way forward, you know, and it's great that you wrote this, this, this is a monster book. This is, yeah. There's some chapters in the back there. So there's all my coaching advice on emotional recovery, but then I've actually got chapters from a family law firm, Payne Hicks Beach, also a wealth management financial advice company, Latham Co.

46:47And a domestic abuse charity that I'm the patron of. So it gives you like a real toolkit advice from all different angles. So it's everything you need in one book. That's really awesome. What's your favorite part about this book? Favorite section. Oh, favorite section. I think the gameplay checklist, which is, I think the gold dust of the book, which is basically, you know, when you're in a toxic relationship, as you've disclosed, you were, you kind of, even when they're not. Oh, I've been in a lot of them. Yeah. Been in a lot of them. Me too. I went to college, so. Yeah. me too so even if you're not with them anymore and you're physically disassociated very often we're still emotionally very connected to that person and people say oh well you're not living with them anymore it'll get better no it's like fucking casper they stick with you the ghost post separation abuses can be a lot worse and it's actually one of the biggest misunderstood challenges we have is that people think when you're not living with them it gets better but not if you're going to be still dealing with kids or finances or a divorce process sick that's where it gets probably intensifies to a program is literally mental torture so in there i've created a a tool that can help you emotionally disassociate so how it works is that usually what happens they'll throw a grenade into your little world so you'll start thinking why are they saying that why does that email say that i didn't do that or so you start what i call jumping into like a rabbit warren and chasing around for the answer and speaking to your friends speaking to your parents going, I don't understand why they're saying this.

48:18This is so real. This is so real. Yeah. And you're driving yourself crazy and everyone in your circle knows the whole thing and everyone's putting in their, their two puppets worth and saying, oh yeah, yeah, I think this. And I think that anyway, you, you, that's keeping you stuck. So the thing I realized was we all think that our toxic person or pet psycho, I like to call them in adoring terms. Um, we all have our own pet psycho. We all like to think that, you overwhelming. So it seems very clever. You don't know where they're coming from. But the reality is they're all playing the same game.

48:52They're all playing the same game with the same tactics. So what we have to do is understand the game and master the steps of the game so you can stay two steps ahead. Now, this is key. If you understand what they're doing and the tactics they're deploying, instead of chasing the grenade down into the rabbit warren and speaking to everyone and getting yourself confused, you leave it there. You get your tactic list, which is in the book, which basically gives you all the tactics they could be deploying, such as lying, gaslighting, isolating, bullying, intimidating, mirroring your own actions back to you.

49:27So again, blaming you for things, insulting you, cruelty, those things. So we tick off the list. Ah, yeah. Okay. Well, that's a lie. That's intimidation. Okay. Tick, that's bullying. Okay. That's trying to get me to feel sad or that's using the children. So you can tick them off. Now what that does is it gives you the emotional ability to dial down that intensity rather than jumping into the confusing rabbit hole and we're stepping back and going, okay, I can see the tactics you're deploying. When you know what they're doing, you can go, oh, okay, let me think about this. This is what they're doing.

50:03Why? Where do they want me to jump now? Obviously they want to cause upset and stress. That's a given with them. Total annihilation, any cost is usually the way they're going. So you can see that, but you can see their tactics and your pet psycho will have their favorites. So not everyone does the same thing. They'll have their favorites. So you'll know what those are. You can say, right now with this clarity and calmness, what do I choose to do? Where do I choose to go next? What's my move? Because you're staying two steps ahead. You're seeing it for what it is. You're removing the emotional confusion and you're staying to the facts, which enables us to make better informed decisions, which is what we need.

50:41Less emotional chaos and better informed decisions with that clarity. This is awesome. Yeah. This is awesome. I tell you this, this works and it blows the doors off. I can tell you that people who've never been able to sort of cope with the grenades that are constantly thrown at them find this game changing. It's a life changing. Well, because, because, you know, I know we're running out of time, but I want to cover this too, is the main point that I want to make is a lot of books just tell a story and like, now I'm here. Like you're going through a full toolkit of this is the emotion. This is what's happening.

51:15This is what your pet psycho is doing. And here's how you cope with it. Right. I love the pet psycho. Do you like that? Oh my God, this is hysterical. But I mean, it's actual real tools, right? And exercises to get through. So of course it was written by a coach, right? Like here's your playbook, go run it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's awesome. So where can, where can, well, no, I've got one more question for you. It's one of the most important ones. Okay. Good Lord. So this is called the Determined Society. Yeah. And, you know, when I built this platform, my wish was to wake up in a society that people chase their dreams, no matter how they felt emotionally at that time, they stuck with the commitment, right?

51:56The emotion wore off. They wake up, they're not motivated. They still go and do their thing. Love it. In your words, how do you define determination? Watch this. Screw you. Watch this. Yeah. Screw you. Watch this. Yeah. I love it because it's backed by process. It's backed by action. Yeah. It's backed by a lot of different things. Watch this is the fire. That's that. Okay. Screw you. That's done. Now watch this. I love it. Where can the audience find you? My website, sarahdavison.com and Instagram, sarahdavisondivorcecoach. Hmm. Thank you so much for this amazing conversation. I've absolutely loved chatting with you.

52:35Great questions. Me too. Like a lot of value to the audience too. Oh, I hope so. A lot of learning, a lot of learning. I know it touched somebody. Too many people out there have these, these things going on in their lives where that they may think it's going on. And if they listen to this episode, hopefully it helps them a little bit. Yeah. I hope so. Hopefully there's no kids involved. Hopefully it's just maybe just another relationship you need to break out of or a friendship you need to walk away from. But I hope this episode helps you guys share it with everybody you know, love and trust. And thank you again for watching and listening.

53:08And until next time, stay determined.