The Woman Who Refused to Break: Guerdy Abraira on Healing, Identity & Strength

0:28This is your memoir. I feel right now about everything that you read. I'm a trophy girl because I win. I win at life, man, because of the fact that I have this person next to me who is my ride or die. I say my acknowledgement to him on the books. It's just a one-liner. You have seen every version of me and you stayed anyways. That's it, man.

0:58What's up, everybody? back today here with Gertie and her husband, Russell. Gertie has an amazing memoir coming out called From Trauma to Trophies. And in this book, she talks about her whole life. And the one thing that I really love about this book is at the end of every chapter, there's a QR code that you can scan and dive into her story a little bit more, get the visuals and the real feeling behind it. But you've gone through so much in recent years and now you're here and you're thriving. and hubby is right next to you being a part of all this with you. And I'm just so excited to be able to give my audience your story.

1:32So welcome to the show guys. We're so happy to be here. We're so excited to be here. I mean, this is a big deal. I feel like, you know, I get, I don't belong. Well, I, well, first of all, I appreciate that. I really do. Um, but as big as a deal as it's for you and you're not feeling like you belong, I'm super happy to have you here and you belong. and I cannot wait to get your story out. I've been super excited about this specific interview. You know, Matt and I have been talking about it for a couple of weeks and, you know, he's here. Shout out back there, my guy. And these are the stories I want to tell.

2:03These are the things that I really truly feel that your story, there's somebody listening right now that this is going to hit, whether it's a husband or another woman that are dealing with these issues directly. Like, how can you help them come out of it? You know what I mean? So let's chat. Absolutely. So let's get into it here. Let's do it, man. I mean, you know, I wrote this book. You know, I'm a party planner. I've been doing it for 25 years for the best of them on Fisher Island, a little island called Fisher Island, the one percenters. And it just took shape. And my life has been quite a journey and reinvented myself multiple times.

2:40And we can get into the details, but it just all started in Haiti where I was born. And what happened after that was an evolution of our family legacy, moving from Haiti to Paris, from Paris to the U.S., all for betterment of life. Right. And, you know, when you get to a place where you don't belong and, you know, where you feel like, you know, like and you find your footing somehow. And so from not speaking English to, you know, being bullied, of course, and to, you know, having lots of multiple layers of things happen. I'm still standing. I'm still here. Yes, you are. And I'm a bad bitch. Yeah.

3:17So there's a, there's something that you call yourself. You're a communion of culture. Chameleon of culture. Chameleon or communion? Chameleon. Chameleon of culture. Talk to us about that. It's, it's my superpower now. Okay. As well as my name. So, you know, at first you're like, you know, it's so funny how I started with saying I don't belong. And I do belong obviously because I've worked hard to belong in this seat. But it's funny how I feel like I don't belong because you also have reached such a higher level. level. So when I say that, I'm like, I don't know if I'm even worthy to be like speaking to you.

3:48It's different levels, right? It's different, different silos of what we do. Right. And I think it's important for everybody to understand that just because one person on this side is escalated to one area, they're probably looking at you as I'm looking at you. I'm like, you've gone here on another one. Like, wow, that's interesting. Yes. Right. Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I feel like my story is very intricate. It has lots of layers and it definitely will touch someone in some point in their life, whether they're, you know, went through, you know, a loss, whether they went through a divorce, whether they went through a lot of cultural difficulties.

4:21And for me, that was really the beginning of the beginning of where I was able to find my ground. Initially, I was born in Haiti. I'm one of six kids, now seven, but we moved to Paris. And when you're, and this was during the worst political times in Haiti, if you can believe that, right? Because it's already bad now, but it was horrible then. And so we left in fear of political, you know, things happening and violence. And so when you go to France, we were able to get help and so forth. But, you know, that was when I became the Gertie that, you know, now I started to find my footing and I found this amazing confidence, not only through my parents, my mother and grandmother specifically, but through, you know, being enabled to be.

5:04And then imagine that. So you're now speaking French. You're, you know, you're into the community. And then all of a sudden I'm at the age of nine. My father makes a decision. We're going to America, people. This is the 80s. America is the place. And so we're excited at first. Oh my God. Disney World, Michael Jackson. You think of all the greats. Michael Jackson. Oh my gosh. You don't understand. When we speak English, we're like, trailer, trailer. That was us. Obsessed with Michael Jackson and Disney. I only went to one movie as a child in France and it was Snow White. And when we saw the Disney, you know, castle, it was like, wow.

5:41So you come to America and we're thinking it's going to be amazing. However, there's a caveat. My father tells us we're going to America. We're only taking the last two kids. I'm one of them and my brother. And so we're thinking, we won the, you know, the lotto. We won, we won. Bingo. And then, so we're bragging in school, the whole thing. And then we get here and then he's like, okay, I'll be back to, you know, with the rest of the siblings. You guys stay here. Oh shit. So now I'm nine. My brother's 11. We don't speak any English. We're with relatives. I've never met these people in my life. And we're told we'll be back.

6:16Not too sure what that means and how long this means, but it became three months. and so this again they did the best they could at that age of course you're thinking what did i do wrong the setting in which we were you know left with was not desirable for a child i think um in a sense of the environment right you know they took care of us they fed us the whole thing but it was just that in my book i described a lot of things that gave me a lot of phobias and a lot of trauma. And so through that three months, it's like I shed it. All the confidence that I had in France, I was like, I'm a nobody here.

6:53I don't understand what I'm doing here. And I don't understand what I did wrong. So it was a mindset of this whole, I don't belong here. I'm abandoned and all these layers of trauma that people can relate with. And then eventually my family came over and now is when I have to grind. That's all we know. So one step in front of the other, And all of a sudden I start flourishing and becoming that Gertie that was in France again. And, you know, you talk about the cultural chameleon. It's a good thing and it's a bad thing, right? Because you could belong everywhere, but then you can belong nowhere.

7:25And that's where that fine line. Because you get lost in that shit. That fine line is so interesting because I could be in a room with you guys and get along with everybody, have the best time. And then I'll be in a group of women or something, which you may have seen on the show. And it's kind of like, wait, I mean, to do good. you're so misunderstood and you don't understand what so it's interesting you know i'm a couple things i want to address first of all you know you're talking about coming over here when you're nine my middle daughter's nine and i can just imagine i can't imagine that's right like i just it breaks my heart but you know but from an early age because of that reinvention has been this big thing for you without you even knowing it you've had to you had to do your whole childhood from Haiti to Paris to the United States of America.

8:11Right. And so there's been a theme of your life. Russell, let me ask you a question. I want to, I want you to chime in here. How would you describe Gertie, your, your beautiful wife as a reinvention expert? How would I describe her? Um, it's remarkable that she's done it in multiple phases throughout her life um i think when she met me it became much easier yeah yeah i'm just you give me good good stuff you guys you guys met in high is it high school you guys okay cool wow yeah so 30 years ago you know she i i so she kept your ass all these years so you got to be doing something yeah and so i you know there's this little running joke that we have that you know she you know she if i do something stupid she'll she'll say who raised you because she's like I said, what are you raised by wolves?

9:03I go, and I realized, I'm like, we've been together almost our whole lives. So yeah, you raised me. You raised me. The first time he says it, I go, oh my God, wait, what are you doing? Who raised you? You! I was like this. Oh, shit, he's right. So there's some truth to that. But yeah, that's one of the funny things. And she, but it's mostly her. she's able to, you know, she's been in rooms with, you know, some big people and she's able to, you know, people realize, you know, they just look at her while she's in a room and it's like, man, there's something about this girl. She has so much energy and, you know, I'd like to get to know more about her.

9:47Security. There's something about her. Security. Security. Lock it up. Certain people give off good vibes. And I think, you know, most people are able to see that with Gertie. And I think that's what really gets her through most things, you know, but at the same time, you know, she explains it in her book, even though that's on the exterior, there's a lot that she was, was suppressing and hiding from, you know, people that they didn't know about her. And they'll get to learn about that. You know, I love that because you mentioned when people meet Gertie, right. I met her out there outside and the way she welcomed me and the way I welcome, I felt like I've known her for my whole freaking life.

10:27That's how that's a gift. But you know what the hardest part about that gift is, is the silent struggle beneath it. Because I also have that gift. And when you, when you're able to welcome people in that quickly and read the energy, you become extremely exhausted because your energy levels just drop. They did. How do you, how do you navigate that? Cause that's something I'm, I'm trying to learn myself how to do. Well, it's, it's a very interesting thing. And I had to do, you know, therapy, thank goodness, once a week, of course. And that's helped me now really navigate through the why. The why is so important because I'm like, why do I find this zest to continue to have to, it's not even performing, but to show and tell that I'm excited.

11:16Do you need something? And to be service oriented in effect, right? That's my love language, obviously. Right. And where does that stem from? So doing the work, it's because of the fact that when you feel like, wait, I've been isolated in a place for some reason. And I don't know why. And this psyche has been there for a long time because the culture that I come from, my parents don't explain. It's not like in their culture, they say like, Gertie, this is what's happening. You're going to stay there with your cousins. One of them has cerebral palsy and it's extreme and she may have a seizure in front of you and you're only nine.

11:52and what you do is you're going to call you just literally are watching it that's a lot of responsibility you you you have no idea and you you're just in a place for three months and the sensory overload and you don't understand what's happening so then all this stuff is coming at you and you're like what's going what's going on like what you're not understanding at that age and now of course i'm understanding that it was for the best for the family but to get to that point i i I had to feel like, what is it that I can do to feel like I'm of value? So when you're feeling like, oh, I can help you with that.

12:24I'm of value. I can do this. So why did Gertie become a party planner to the stars at the highest level? My friend is because I wanted you to know I am worth it. I am worthy. And I am, you know, I am of, you know, of the highest value. yeah so it's self-worth that i was building when i i was just i think i was good enough just as i was i didn't know that back then so all these years all this work i just started therapy a year ago you know almost and i'm just now realizing all this stuff and so maybe some people who have been hurt look at me and says uh-uh she's doing something this is a performance and she's fake and there's something behind me she's gonna stab me in the back it's like no no i literally like yeah i don't read anything fake for you and i know but i'm just saying that when you get into you know, the thick of things when he's talking about you walk, I'm walking to him and I'm like, you look amazing, amazing, whatever.

13:14And then there's some people that are going to say, uh-uh, something's up. And that's their journey. That's how to react to that. It's not my journey. So we'll get into the let them theory. Oh, hi Mel Robbins. Yeah. And you, you named that the let me theory. Let me theory. Let me theory. And I love what you did there, but I want to, I want to cover some other things first before we get there, because I do want to dive into all that stuff because you know as popular as the let them theory from mel robbins is the let me era that you've created is also i think it's i think it's more empowering no offense to mel robbins no it's it's really no but think about that shit though because let them is like giving somebody else power let them think whatever the hell they want but no but let me let let fuck it let's just get to it now because because we're invested in it it's like yeah let let me be me let me do this Let me feel the way I'm feeling.

14:04Walk the audience through that. So this is very recent. And this was actually the last thing I put in my book, literally a couple of weeks ago. So I started to try to finish these chapters and I was giving examples because you have to give examples of the things that you've went through for the reader to understand why you are the way you are, why you're where you are right now. And it took a few things that happened with a cast of friends on the show that I'm on that were very big things. It wasn't like, listen, oh my gosh, she said that, you know, she said she worked for this company and she didn't.

14:43Oh, we caught you. Okay, moving on. I'm sorry I lied. Move on. We're talking about things that related to my cancer. So, and also another thing where it was a betrayal and it was supported by lies about me. And so the old Gertie, people pleaser, let's just keep the norm keep going i would have just been like you know what i'm not going to entertain this i'm not going to do this i ended up doing some shit that i would probably never did do before but through cancer being a fucking warrior being this new version of myself that's trying to put up boundaries i did some things that were like okay bold moves someone lied on me i'm going to show you the receipts so that you know don't play with me right and those are things that steps that I actually am proud of because that shows me my growth and that I am moving in a place where it's about me because before it was always about people 25 years of people pleasing planner and so forth and so that was very um controversial and I stand by what I did you know just things around it wasn't you know perfect but I stand by what I did and I think that the let me theory came out of the place of like okay oh but they're lying on you whatever just forget it oh you have cancer just be quiet just just go in the corner just like but no no no just because i have cancer doesn't define who i am i'm still going to speak my mind and i'm my character as a capricorn is not one that's going to lay down and say okay just let you do whatever you want with me no no no i built this career and this brand with my bare hands with our bare hands from the ground up okay we don't have the luxury of having our name you know thrown around for play right yeah And so maybe some people do.

16:21That's great. But I built this from the ground up and I really care about my brand. It is everything to me. So with that said, let me take my power back and fight for my brand. Let me not accept your apology if you did three things, but you want to apologize for one and pretend the two didn't exist. Let me do what I need to do to find my peace. And if it's not doing the things that you like, I'm going to let you do it, but I'm going to let me do it. I'm going to do me. and for the people watching and listening she's referring to the real housewives of Miami and we're not going to get too far into that but that just for reference and context that's what she's talking about that's right do you mind talking about the things that went on there I mean I don't want to focus on the show but specifically what you're talking about what they were lying on you about your disease and things of that nature okay no so I mean there's a couple things you know one of them someone actually outed my diagnosis um and shit oh yeah so that was uh It was one of the castmates.

17:16And she said claims that it was out of, you know, goodness and that, you know, she cared and that she didn't know that I told her not to tell. And they had to pay the receipts, of course, and show that, of course. And that I ended up accepting her apology. But it was on the basis, for example, that I tried to do something good for you. So I'm sorry, but I was trying to be a good friend to you. And it was kind of like, everyone's like, yeah, she was trying to do something good to you. It's just not. And it was when you feel the pressure of like, you're the problem if you don't accept the apology.

17:45OK, you move on. Right. So, OK, whatever. OK, I'm going to, you know, whatever. And then this recent season, someone decided to come on this season early on and just completely fabricate an entire situation about a cruise. And I'm like, okay, I was there for you. All the receipts are here, but you want to make it seem like I came under the pretense of, I wanted publicity when I just came back from the same cruise that you're doing. And you asked me to get back on the boat to be with you, leaving my husband behind. It was a whole thing. And I'm just kind of like, but it was the lies behind it. It was the layer of Gertie's not a good person.

18:22Gertie didn't even ask about my partner who I, you know, who couldn't make it on the cruise. Gertie, Gertie makes everything about her. So it was just kind of like, okay, so that's a brand that that's a that's a brand yeah yeah brand killer potential and so forth and i'm like yeah no we can't you know so i had to make a bold move because after trying to defend myself no one willing to listen and so forth yeah yeah and so i did something bold which was actually exposed the receipts that would vindicate me and so with that said comes the reunion which the show always wraps up with the reunion i think a lot of people on tv are used to the okay it's the end of the season you guys have to make up so that next season we could see smiling faces and so you're you know you think you're supposed to see that and then this season i'm like you know what yeah no one's gonna stand on business so i'm just listening to the apology for the fifth apology gertie she apologized 16 times yeah but she's apologizing only for the one act she hasn't apologized for the rest of the things that she's done which are the lies that started, you know, that's amazing.

19:27So people want to be selective and we could play that game. Yeah. I think it's real. I think it's super important to be authentic. And that's your point. You're going to stand on your business at that point. You don't have to accept apologies if they're less than ample, right? You don't have to, you can hear them out. I'm like, okay, cool. I'll let you say your piece, but I'm not going to accept it. Russell, my question for you is, you know, from your perspective, right. Senior wife go through all of this. How did it play on your mental health and, and how you supported her? Because I know how I feel when I feel like my wife is being wronged, even in the school and just in the school system, like whether it's a, a student, you know, lying on her to the parent or a parent getting on her about not helping their kid.

20:10This is, this is on national TV. How, how did you, what was your perspective of all this? Um, it was very, very frustrating to see what was going on behind the scenes. knowing the truth about what, what happened and then have it play out the way people choose to portray it. Yeah. So that's the most frustrating part for myself, knowing all of the stuff that she's been through and having that go on TV, be portrayed a certain way and not have the ability to really defend yourself. And then when you do defend yourself, it's portrayed another way. So yeah, very difficult. It's hard to please, but I mean, and forgive me if I may, but you seem like a very private and quiet person, like outside of what Gertie went through.

21:12What, what did you, what are you dealing with? I mean, because it's become more of a public. You're public now, right? And you don't come across like a guy that's like, all right, here I am. Exactly. I mean, I mind my business where, you know, my sanctuary is at home. My boys, my wife, you know, I'm a firefighter, so I'm still working. I still go to work. I have a, you know, good group of guys that I work with. So I'm good. I'm like, you know, I feel good. Like you said, I don't get into the, you know, all the shenanigans and everything. And I don't know. It's just something that doesn't affect me.

22:00But like I said, going through when it last season, it was very frustrating, the whole process that we went through. But like now it's like, you know, I'm teaching my son how to drive on his own. And, you know, it's a bunch of things that doesn't concern everything else. It's just what, you know, what really matters is what goes on at home. See, I love that. That's important. That's a rock right there, by the way. Honey, that's a whole mountain, okay? But that is the most important thing that he says and that we believe together. And that's why I'm able to do the let me theory. So the let me theory does have this disclaimer because once you say, I am not going to accept this or this or whatever scenarios, the goal is for you to be to find your peace right so it's not like i'm still going to be mad no no no the goal is that it doesn't matter to me anymore and that you you walk away from that situation not letting it affect you because you've built a sanctuary around you where you do find the peace so i'm lucky i have my amazing husband for 30 plus years my kids i have built what i want around me.

23:11So when I go into a situation that is not amicable, that's okay, but that's limited time. And I get to choose to walk away, to, to not to say no, whatever I need to do to find my peace. And it's the deliberation process of finding your peace that some people are like, well, she should, you know, she just beat cancer. So she should be grateful she's alive. So she should just like stay quiet and just accept her. Does one have to do with another? No, it doesn't. She should be lucky that she beat cancer and that she's still alive today. So she should just accept her apology and move on the moving on thing is really quite interesting that's toxic that's toxic that's toxic that's toxic you know i want you to address the audience because there's a woman right now any maybe even a young man that just heard you say be at peace with it it's not just about hearing them out it's not just about moving on but it's about truly being rooted in the healing aspect of it.

24:09And they don't know how, how would you, how would you help them or instruct them to get through this and actually truly heal? It's about intention, right? So you have to know in your gut and it's only your gut that tells you, you don't have to follow your gut, follow your gut. Right. So when the, whoever, if it's someone that you're dealing with and you, and you can't get past it, let's say you, your husband cheated on you. Okay. And you're just trying to move on. Just get over it. It won't happen again. Is that good enough? Because you tell me that stuff, we're going to have a surprise. No, it's not going to be.

24:40There's zero ramifications in that, by the way. That's right. But people go day to day. People are so short circuit right now because of the way that the internet is fast. Everything's fast. Just move on. Stop it. Let's stop pushing it out. We talked about this already. Just because we talked about it once doesn't mean that it's going to satisfy my energy to say, I know for a fact that we are now on the same page. So that's the problem. It's like people. So intention is everything. When you're realizing that people are doing things just to tap dance around you, but not really standing in front of you and want to get to the bottom and whatever that means for the two people.

25:13What layers or process do you need to be able to say, I'm good now? We'll never have to talk about this again. Because if you want to move on, it's called resentment. We're playing the resentment game, right? It's going to add up. You know what I found too when I'm trying to get through something and I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I always evaluate how I truly feel about it, right? And it's like, okay, am I still having this external reaction or feeling because I'm afraid of what somebody else might think? Or is it truly how I feel? And that's how I work backwards and be like, okay, no, I'm good with this.

25:45So then I'm, then I got to be whatever they say, whatever they do, whatever their perspective is can be their perspective. But as long as I'm rooted in my truth and I've worked through the putting myself in their shoes or, and have that conversation with them. Right. But if I'm comfortable and I'm standing on my own two feet in that moment, you go, okay, like I'm good. Absolutely. Like I'm good with this outcome. That helps me. Absolutely. But remember when people say sorry as well, I think that it comes with behavioral changes. So are we sorry for just one thing or are we going to continue to do the other thing?

26:19And so you got to balance. It's a balancing act. You know, you have to get through the entire thing and funnel it until you get to the final outcome of what it is. So if you give me shit here and you filter it, I'm still going to be left with shit. So the question is, are we really filtering it so that, you know, we can, we can become like, what are we doing? We've become, we've become a society with half-ass apologies. Let's just be, let's just be frank. But move on. Yeah. But no, it's just like, I'm sorry, but what are you sorry for? Can you, do you know why apologizing for this means something to me?

26:51And most people can't do that because they can't get out of their own way. They just say, I want to say sorry so I can move on. See, I did something for you. I apologize to you. And you know, it doesn't work. And for example, like with my parents, let me give you an example of something completely different that is very personal and that I do really, really care about is my parents. Right. So I had this resentment build up, you know, till this day, I still think, like you said, you look at your son and then you're like, I could never do that. I could never, yeah, it's constant, another continent, three months.

27:17And so I have a hard enough time during the school day without my kids. Like I'm freaking out right now. So the forgiveness around that, do you know, number one, my parents won't even watch the show. My parents, I will never, I don't need an apology for them because I understand it was based on and rooted on good intention. Sure, of course. And look at me now. Yeah. Had they not done that? Who would have Gertie been in France? I mean, I don't know, but I feel like I'm pretty. I think you would have figured it out. I think you would have figured it out. I don't know. But the point is, is that once you understand the good intention, it was never malicious.

27:48And then I don't even need to talk to them. I'm just here to give them a hug and say, you did the best you could. And I understand that. So I had one of my let me theory thing is about let me relate and release. So I'm like, let me relate. If I was a mother and I had nothing else going on and I needed to move on, you know, to get the family to a better place. Okay. Sacrifice. Okay. The two will go first. Oh, you know, you understand. I'm relating to her, putting myself in her position. And then I'm like, because I know it was well-intended and did all the deliberation process of what she was thinking.