Transform Your Leadership: The Power of Thoughtfully Fit

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1:04Hello and welcome to another episode of the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. This is John Chance and my guest today is Darcy Loma. She's a highly sought after coach and speaker who's worked with more than 500 organizations in 48 industries to create high performing people and teams. She balances running her thriving business with raising her two energetic teenage daughters and competing in triathlons. She's also the author of a book we're going to talk about today, Thoughtfully Fit, Your Training Plan for Life and Business Success. So, Darcy, welcome to the show. Thanks, John. It's great to be here.

1:39Can you make me a high-performing people? I really, that would be amazing. Can we just spend 20 minutes working on me? Absolutely. You know what the number one thing is, John? If you want to be high-performing, absolutely. We cannot make someone be high-performing who just loves being a couch potato metaphorically, right? Yeah. So I'm going to jump around and get way off my question that I was going to ask. I suspect you have lots of people that say, Darcy, I read your book, Fix My People. Yes. And so, like, how does that go? Well, how that goes, I mean, absolutely. And one of the things I'll say, if there's, whether it's a CHRO or a president or whoever it is that calls and says that, you know, depending on what they're looking for, let's just say they say, I've got a VP and here's what's really common, John.

2:27The person, whoever it is, whatever their title is, they're really good at their job, at the technical. They're a great lawyer. They're a great engineer. They're a great carpenter, whatever it is. But they struggle in the interpersonal, in the team dynamics, in the leadership. And so if they come in and say, fix them, the first thing that we'll say is, do they want to be fixed? And do they think that they have a problem? Because save your money if they don't think they have a problem and they don't want to improve. that's what's key you know as the first indicator of success so so the book is uh thoughtfully fit you do play a little bit on obviously you're physically fit and you play a little bit on that metaphor what's the difference between the two really in your mind yeah yeah it is a metaphor and you know what i find is when i train and practice for a triathlon i do better i get better results i i'm less likely to get injured they're more fun i feel better afterwards the same thing is if you want to get better results in work and in your relationships in life, you need to train and practice.

3:31So most of us don't know how to have a tough conversation, how to deliver hard feedback, how to say no when you're overwhelmed and you're asked to chair the volunteer fundraiser in your community and you feel so bad. So those, what I find with coaching clients is that what we do in coaching, they're coming in, they're essentially training and practicing so that they can have better results and fewer regrets in life. That's the through line for the metaphor being physically fit and thoughtfully fit. So you start the book off with a chapter in your life that was a little tough. I'm sure you've told the story a hundred times.

4:07You don't have to go into details here. However, talk a little bit about how, I mean, you talk about in the book that the framework that you've developed actually helped you get through that. Talk a little bit about how that model helped you navigate? It really did. I mean, we have, you know, whether you're a business person or an entrepreneur or a sole, we have challenges, we have, you know, problems, we have uncertainties, whatever it is, big or small, I'm no exception. So when my life blew up, I found myself at a place where I needed to, I didn't need to, I had just finalized the Thoughtfully Fit model.

4:44And in this case, I'll give just the tiniest context. I'm happy to share more, but what my husband was arrested for sexual assault of a minor, and I had to hire my own attorney. And my attorney said, Darcy, don't talk to anyone about anything. And so here I was at the worst moment of my life and my support system was cut off. And so I became ground zero to test drive this model, which we incidentally had just finalized five days before to be able at the core of the model are three simple steps. You pause and think before you act. And so there were so many examples, John, where I was blindsided and I was caught off guard and I was just in a world of hurt where had I reacted in the moment, I would have done something or said something I'd later regret.

5:30And so I became really the test case to utilize the thoughtfully fit model in my own life. So the, the, one of the first, I mean, the framework has three major components. Each of those components has a couple of steps. You hinted at a couple of there, but let's back all the way up to how unaware are we of the, what our thoughts do to us? Like in terms of, again, I say unaware because I think a lot of them are subconscious, they're habitual, they're, you know, how, what role do our thoughts play in how we actually show up or act? Everything. They absolutely do. Because you think about if you show up at a meeting and somebody is, you know, is leaning back and their arms are crossed and they're disengaged and your thoughts are, you know what?

6:18He never liked me. He didn't think I should have gotten this promotion. And your thoughts start going. It affects your behavior. And all of a sudden you're acting and you're snippy or you're short, you're cutting them off. It's sweating, you're painting out, right? Yes, yes, exactly. There's a direct correlation to our thoughts that feed into how we're feeling and what our behaviors are. Yeah, yeah. I remember when I first started speaking 25 years ago on stages. And I mean, I was, you know, I'd never done it before. So but I knew I needed to. So I got out there and did it. But I remember, I mean, I just I would get hot and I would get, you know, I mean, physically, because I'm always thinking like, am I smart enough?

6:56Or do they like me? You know, instead of what am I here to give, which you eventually, you know, come to, but it's actually not just your actions. I mean, I think it's your physiology, isn't it? Absolutely. And so the key is, you know, it's not to minimize those thoughts or make those thoughts go away. Cause that's our humanity. We're going to have that imposter syndrome and oh my ruddy, do I, is this audience, do they believe me? And you know, all that, that's our humanity. When you're thoughtfully fit, you raise your awareness of those thoughts. So instead of those thoughts controlling you, you have awareness and then you can consciously choose like, okay, you know what, whether or not I'm the right person to be on the stage, I'm here and I'm going to knock it out of the park so that you can reframe it and choose how you're going to move forward, despite those thoughts that can be really, like you said, that can really create the the physiological response in you.

7:49You know, one of the things I've interviewed lots of people that write leadership books and coaches that work on, on, you know, trying to help people, you know, get to achieving their goals. And it seems like a theme, a common theme that I hear over and over again is the either lack of or need for, or work on self-awareness before, like you can even start the work. Do you find that in yours as well? I mean, when you're working with somebody, if they aren't aware of their blind spots, if they aren't aware of how this is going on, it's pretty tough to start making progress, isn't it? Absolutely.

8:21You're right on. And I think that's probably, if there's anything that's most important, that's where it starts. And I even think about, John, you know, as a triathlete. So I have a coach and we just started open water swimming two weeks ago here in Madison. And I'm out there swimming. And, you know, I've been swimming a long time. And my coach will point out my blind spot. She says, Darcy, Your right arm is crossing way over your body. And that's why instead of swimming straight, you're swimming to the left. That is something that without that awareness, I can't, right? It's a blind spot for me.

8:57And with that awareness, now I can adjust what my behavior is and straighten it out. In that case, literally, it's the same thing with how we show up, whether it's as a leader or a team member. if we aren't self-aware of the impact, we might have RBF, one of my speaker friends calls RBF resting bothered face. You might not be aware that people think that you're angry or upset when in the reality is like, oh, I'm just thinking and this is my thinking face. Yeah. It's my pleasure to welcome a new sponsor to the podcast, our friends at Active Campaign. ActiveCampaign helps small teams power big businesses with a must-have platform for intelligent marketing automation.

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10:21That's right, duct tape marketing podcast listeners who sign up via that link will also receive 15 % off an annual plan. That's activecampaign.com slash duct tape. Now this offer is limited to new Active Campaign customers only. So what are you waiting for? Fuel your growth, boost revenue, and save precious time by upgrading to Active Campaign today. So you mentioned coach. It seems like these days, coach, consultant, advisor, agency, I mean, the terms seem to all be like blending together. In your definition, you know, what does a coach there do? Well, I'm a little bit of a stickler, John, and most of the world isn't a stickler, but I have, so I'm a master certified coach and I've worked my tail off to earn that degree.

11:09And what basically the reason I say I'm a stickler is because when you're a coach and you're truly doing pure coaching, you're holding the other person as the expert, whether it's the client or the team or the relationship, they have the answers and the wisdom and the expertise. And as a coach, you are helping to you're mirroring back what you're hearing you're asking tough powerful questions right you're pointing out blind spots and hard truths if i come in as a teacher a mentor an advisor a consultant i'm the expert let me tell you what right and both are valuable i'm just a stickler that be clear on what you're doing and have the right the the ethics to be able to articulate which hat you're wearing in any moment.

11:53Do you sometimes have to fight and resist to say, it's obvious, dummy. Here's the answer. When I first started, absolutely. That was the hardest thing ever. And so, you know, I train coaches and that's one of the first things they say is, but Darcy, why would I ask a question when I know what they should do? And that's a false premise because you have no idea what they should do. You know what you think they should do based on your history, your beliefs, your stories, your values, but you have no idea what they should do. So once I got through that and started to get better results, when I resisted the urge to fix, tell, solve, advise, now it's easy.

12:31Now it's not even hard to resist because it's so much more powerful, but absolutely the first several years, it was painful. It was so hard. One of my favorite quotes, I attributed Stephen Covey, somebody probably said it before him, But as no one sees the world as it is, we merely see the world as we see it or as we are. And I think that's so true. I mean, you really have no ability to assess what's going on because you never have all the information. So break down your framework a little bit. We started talking about the core. Go ahead and maybe give us the high-level sketch. Yeah, the high-level.

13:05So we started looking at what are the themes. We started to see, okay, we've got all these clients that come in. At the end of the day, we say, okay, what do you want coaching on today? And we found that there are six main obstacles that get in the way of peak performance. Three are internal, where we get in our own way. And then three are external, where there's challenges with other people. And so I'm happy to give a high-level sketch of those six if you'd like or not. Yes, do it. So the first one is there's so much to do I can't even think. That aligns with the thoughtfully fit practice of stillness, which is about being able to quiet the mind.

13:39And of course, just like if you want peak performance as an athlete, you need rest days. You need to recover. Your muscles build stronger. The same is true if you want to be thoughtfully fit. The second internal practice is we have clients coming in saying, oh, Darcy, here's what I'm coaching on. I didn't handle myself the way I wanted to and name the situation. And this is the practice of strength, which is being able to consciously choose how you show up in every situation, even if your thoughts are trying to get you to unconsciously react on autopilot. And then the third internal is getting stuck.

14:16So that was a common theme that clients would come in, they're stuck in a job they don't love, stuck in a relationship, stuck with a project. And endurance is the thoughtfully fit practice that helps you to overcome those obstacles to get unstuck. So I'll pause there. Those are the three internal. So, and this probably is true for both internal and external, but I'm sure a lot of times, you know, we're just, we have ingrained habits, right? Somebody pushes a button and we react the same way, even if like a hundred times we've said to ourselves later, why'd I do that? So what are the ways do we practice or what are the like routines or rituals to, to, you know, you talk about practice with your coach.

14:58I mean, there's, this seems like something that you can't just one day go, oh, I'm not going to do that anymore. You have to actually build some muscle or resistance or ability to pause or whatever it is. That's exactly what it is. So it's just like you're training physically to build your muscles. In this case, you're training your mental muscles and you just named it. And at the core, I mean, we've got lots and lots of tools and a lot of exercises on how you can build resilience and all of that. But I'll just say for the benefit of your audience here today, that's why the core is what it is.

15:32Those three steps, you have to pause first. And that is what's important because it kicks you off of autopilot. Once you have paused, that sets you up to think. And in the model, think is about asking some powerful questions. What's triggering me right now? What do I need? What's hard about this? What would be the ideal outcome of this conversation, given that I feel attacked? And with the new awareness that you have from thinking, then you can act thoughtfully. And that, you know, you talked about those habits, those well-worn ruts. If somebody attacks you and you don't pause to think, you just react.

16:09And you go right back to that habit. And you yell, you cry, you shut down, you stonewall, whatever it is. And so that ability to pause and think in the moment gives you a chance to pivot and to act more thoughtfully. Well, I hate to sound like a quote machine here today, but you just hit it. I love quotes. This is great. Reminded me of another in Viktor Frankl's book. Man, sir. Yeah, there is a moment between reaction and response. And in that moment lies our freedom or something like that. I misquoted it a little bit, but I, you know, I really, that's a quote that really does a lot for me in that same regard.

16:44Absolutely. That freedom to choose that lies between that stimulus and response, that's where the power is. Yeah. So the second half external. So it's all the stuff that comes at us, especially like in the workplace. Yeah, absolutely. So the first external is somebody to come into coaching and say, okay, Darcy, how can I get, fill in the blank, my boss, my colleague, my spouse to be different? If they would change, I could be happier. And I don't disagree, but spending energy and time trying to change somebody else or being angry they're not the way you think they should be is a waste of time.

17:18So that is the thoughtfully fit practice of flexibility. That's being able to stretch to accept others just as they are instead of trying to change them to be the way you think they should be. And then the second, excuse me, external practice is creating relationships that have a win. So a lot of times they come in and say, you know, I'm in this relationship, it's stressed out, and there's a win-lose mentality. Either I want to win, I don't care what happens, they're sort of aggressive, and that might work in the short term, but certainly in the long term it doesn't. Or there's other people whose default is sort of to quote-unquote lose, like keep the peace, I'm not going to say anything, it's not a big deal.

18:00And so this is the practice of balance, which is being able to balance what do you want and need with what I want and need so that we can achieve alignment in the relationship. And then the last practice, the last hurdle that we found, obstacle that gets in the way of success is people reacting poorly when blindsided. And so being able to have the agility, this is the practice of agility, to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting on autopilot. But do you have, do you find that, so there's a whole lot of parts here, right? So, you know, somebody goes through, they listen to you on stage, give a keynote, or they spend an hour with one of your coaches.

18:39This is a months long, maybe years long process. Is it not to, to maybe correct some old habits and still some new one by one, you know, have enough, like you talk about practice, you have to get triggered enough times, right? you know, and say, oh, I handled that one better. I mean, is it, is that what you find? Or do you find people are able to just turn the switch on and start saying, I'm just going to do better? I think it's both. So, so certainly just like if you say, okay, I want to get physically fit, you know, doing one sit up once a month, isn't going to do it, but doing sit up and starting where you are and saying, okay, I'm just going to go buy some running shoes and I'm going to jog four blocks and walk back home.

19:21That's what's key. So you start where you are and you certainly can flip a switch and say, I want to be better. I want to improve. I want to be more thoughtful. I want to be less reactive. I want to set better boundaries. I'm overwhelmed. I'm saying yes to whatever it is that's getting in the way. You can start now and you can see success. And just like if you do train and you do the marathon on Saturday, it's like, yes, I'm fit. Well, come Monday, you know, it doesn't stay forever. You need to keep training and practicing. And the same is true with being thoughtfully fit. There's constantly new layers of self-awareness and training that you can do to have the emotional intelligence to be able to show up the way that you want and to, you know, to break those habits and to not get triggered.

20:06So, you know, it's almost like I'm hearing an intentional plan as well, right? Because you also don't wake up and go, I'm going to get fit and I'm going to run a marathon on Saturday, right? I mean, because Because I'm sure you have people that do the same thing, right? It's like, I'm doing all nine of these tomorrow. As opposed to like, okay, let's work. Let's peel this layer. Let's peel that layer. And it becomes an intentional plan and practice, doesn't it? It really does, John. And I think you can't do it all at once. You cannot cram. It is indeed a journey. And that's both the good news and bad news.

20:40But to be consistent is what's key to see those results. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Darcy, I appreciate you taking a few moments to come by the Duct Tape Marketing Podcast. Is there somewhere you'd invite people to connect with you and find out about your work and as well as maybe get a copy of Thoughtfully Fit? Yes. But first, let me just say I am a super fan and I'm so honored to be here. We love duct tape marketing. We love your team. And so I just need to make sure to share that, how thrilled we are. And DarcyLoma.com is our website. If somebody wants to take a quiz to find out which of these six obstacles are their biggest, they can go to thoughtfullyfit.com and you'll get the results immediately, you know, so that, and then a training plan.

21:19So you can start to train to get thoughtfully fit. Awesome. Well, again, I appreciate you taking a few moments and hopefully we'll run into you one of these days out there on the road.