10 Things to Stop Doing to Maximize Your Life

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1:45this is the admired show welcome back to the show everybody so i'm so excited about today's topic but because I get a chance to answer your questions. And one of the dominant ones that's come in, I'm going to cover today. Before I do that, just real quick, thank you. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you. The show's been exploding. It's growing like it never has before, and that's because you share the episodes every single week and the interviews you've been sharing, but particularly my solo episodes here, like the one we're doing today. I'm just very grateful for that, so thank you so much.

2:17You know what we're going to talk about today is pain and life. And they're actually two separate things, but they can become interconnected. So there's some life lessons in today's show, and there's some pain lessons in today's show. You know, pain will travel through a family until someone decides it stops with them. And my prayer for you is that you're that person in your family. So, you know, I often say that I want you to become the one in your family. And for a lot of people, that means becoming successful or, you know, achieving your dreams. and it can mean that and it does mean that. But most importantly is that generational traumas, generational curses, challenges stop with somebody.

3:02And pain will continue to travel through a family until somebody stops it, until somebody gets something for their pain and changes things. And that one person can change that family forever. And I just want you to know that I believe you're that person if pain has been traveling through your family or through your life. And by the way, what family doesn't have pain? What family doesn't have a little drama or trauma from time to time? But some of us, it's more dramatic than others. And I'm not going to get into my story again today. It's well-documented. If you don't know it, you can watch another episode.

3:32But I want to tell you about one family that I was blessed to observe and get to know a little bit. And it's a story that I've not told very many times, but I want to share with you today. Most of you don't know this, but I was with Kobe Bryant the week before he passed away, the week before he and his daughter were tragically killed in that helicopter incident with several other precious human beings. So I was with Kobe that week before. And let me tell you a little bit about that because I learned a lesson from Kobe Bryant that I'll never forget. Multiple lessons that day and a lesson in his passing.

4:09And I was excited because Kobe was getting ready to come on the podcast as well. And so I was doing a lot of preparation and learning about him. I ended up being around Kobe quite a bit because our daughters played volleyball together. And so a week before he passed away, it was a really interesting day. If you've, if you're a volleyball dad or any of you that had a daughter or son play volleyball, you know, these volleyball tournaments are grueling. They're very, very long. And so if you've got a kid playing travel baseball or, uh, you know, other sports like this, you know, these, these weekends, they take everything from you.

4:39So my daughter was playing volleyball and this particular weekend, my son was playing a golf tournament. So my wife took my son to the golf tournament and I had my daughter all day and these volleyball tournaments, we got there at about eight o 'clock in the morning. And I'll just give you the spoiler alert. We were the last match that ended at 10 30 PM that night. So I'm in a gym of screaming girls playing volleyball for over 12 hours. It ended up being almost 14 hours. And for most of the dads, they couldn't take it. And I'll tell you this story because it's match after match. Then there's big breaks in between, but I want you to imagine there's 30 matches going on at any given time inside an arena.

5:17So there's screaming, yelling, fans cheering, diving on the floor, shoes creaking, ball hitting the floor, you know, booze and cheers. And then all the commotion of hundreds and hundreds, probably thousands of people in this gym talking and since the noise fest. And if you're an introvert like me and like Kobe, these things were tough. And plus a fact, I mean, obviously Kobe was super well-known. I've got some notoriety. So then you've got that happening. So Kobe, obviously, more than me. So it's just a drain. You're really tired. And so much so that by that evening, the last match that started at 930 that ended at 1030, by the end of the match, there ended up only being two dads in the gym.

5:59There were other dads there, but they had left with their daughters. It was just a really interesting moment that God gave me. So we were on one end of the court. My daughter played on another end of the team. and I ended up looking. My daughter was getting her stuff together and I ended up looking across and Kobe was at the other end of the gym. And so for some reason that night, my eyes just caught him and I watched him and he was pretty far away. And I watched him as his daughter was getting her stuff together. He was rubbing her back as she was picking up her stuff and putting it in the bag.

6:32And then she grabbed her stuff in the bag and I watched him hug her. and he had his little one, his baby in his other arm, in his left arm. I'll never forget it. He had a black and white sweatsuit on and it said mom on the back. And I'll never forget this. I watched him walk out of the gym that night with his two daughters, the one in his arm and his other daughter that he had his arm around walking out of the gym. And I saw it. We're the only two dads left at that late at night. And I remember thinking to myself, I need to hug Bella more. I need to be more physically affectionate. I saw him do this.

7:11I thought, what a wonderful daddy he is and how good he is to those little girls and affectionate with them. I also just admired that he had stayed that long and loved his daughter enough, you know, to stay that long. And, uh, and I watched Kobe walk out of the gym that night. I've never forgot that lesson. I've become much more affectionate with Bella. I didn't hug her enough before that. and I'm grateful for that example that I saw. I remember that weekend when he walked out of there and it was just the next weekend that he passed away and when I heard the news of him passing I couldn't stop but think about how I had seen him walk out of the gym with his two girls.

7:53It just was this image my last image of him and for some reason I watched him that night. I mean there's been a bunch of times where we've been in the same gym. I didn't watch him walk out. He certainly didn't watch me walk out. I didn't watch other people walk out for some reason. I think it was because we were the last two left and I was so struck by his affection for his daughters that I watched him walk all the way out. Almost like to see if he would stay with his arm around his other daughter. I don't know. And I watched it and then he was gone a week later. And I wonder to myself, what if someone whispered to Kobe when he got in the car that night with his daughters, Kobe, you have one week left to live.

8:32One more week, Kobe. Make sure you tell him you love him. Make sure you hug him a bunch. Make sure you get everything in line. One week, Kobe. What would he have done? Who would he have called? What would he have fixed? What would he have reminisced about? What would he have thought about? And what about the night before that helicopter, if someone was, Kobe, you have one day left to live. I kept thinking these thoughts and picturing him with these two precious girls of his. Kobe, you have one day, Kobe, one day. I promise you that as young as he was and as successful as he was in and out of basketball, Kobe was an incredibly successful investor, successful in the music and movie business.

9:19I promise you, probably the last thing on his mind was that he had one day left. Probably the last thing on your mind is that. Kobe, you have one more day. Who would he have spent the time with? What would he have thought about? Who would he have called? Who would have been close to him? What would have mattered? Would the NBA championships have mattered? Really? I have a feeling that the trophies wouldn't have mattered. I don't think he would have said, bring me my trophies. I think he would have said, bring me my family. Let me call my dad. If I got anything to fix with him, let me fix it. Bring me my family.

9:57Bring me my babies. Bring me my wife. Bring me my closest friends. Wouldn't say bring me my money. Bring me my cars. Bring me my MVPs. Bring me my championships. chips, I don't think that's what he would have had brought to him. What about an hour before when he was driving that day? Kobe, you have one hour. They got on the helicopter, Kobe, you have 20 minutes. What would matter in those moments? What would matter? I tell you that story and my thoughts about it for two reasons. One, just to honor him and to let you know that I learned something very special from watching him. Most of the great lessons in life are caught, not taught.

10:41He didn't say a word, but I watched it and it made an impact on me. His passing made an impact on me, not because I was a fan, but because I'm a man. I'm a human being. I'm a dad. I'm watching that. Kobe, you have 20 minutes left. Who would he have called? What would have mattered to him? And I say that to ask you this week. If you had one week left, what would you do? What would you think about? Who would you call? What would you regret? What would you want to fix? And why not just do it now? If you had one more day left, what would you do with that one more day? Who would be around? This immediately tells you who matters and who doesn't?

11:33What would you worry about? Would you worry about anything? Because you can't take your problems and your worries and your fears with you. Who would you fix something with that you need to? Who would you express something to that's gone unexpressed? What pain that's traveling through you or your family would you eradicate and fix if you could? And so right now, you probably don't just have one more week, but you might. You may not just have one more day. I have a very good friend who's in the personal development space that many of us knew very well named John Ruland. John's a young man in his 40s, wonderful human being, one of the most generous giving people in our space.

12:13And I got a message last week that said, John passed away on vacation. I said, what? And the phone started to confirm it. I promise you that when John went on that vacation with his family, he wasn't thinking, I have one more day. The hour before he passed, I guarantee you he wasn't thinking I have one more hour. God bless him. He's such a good man. I'm sure his children were thinking I have one more day with daddy, his precious wife. I have one more hour with daddy. We don't know. But in your case, what would matter to you? Who would you call? What would you fix? These things that happened to you when you were young, if they were traumatic, it's not your fault.

12:55Let me say it to you again. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility because you're most qualified to eradicate that pain from your family and to change it forever. You're most qualified to help those that you used to be that have gone through their own type of pain, their own type of. It's so fascinating to me that I got that lesson from Kobe Bryant. All the lessons you could get, right, of toughness, competitiveness, the Black Mamba mentality, you know, hustle, work ethic, just famous for his early morning workouts. And that's not what I got from him. I didn't get any of that.

13:32I got how to be a better dad. You don't know what your example is. You don't know that becoming successful in one area, how you can affect people in other areas of their lives. Isn't that incredible? I already do work hard. I already am competitive. I already am intense. I already have a mentality I enjoy. I didn't learn any of that from Kobe Bryant. I'm inspired by what his example was, but I didn't learn any of that from him. He taught me about being a dad, and he didn't say a word. It was his presence. He was at every damn game. He coached basketball, his other daughter that he passed with.

14:07That's what I saw. I saw the affection. I got the lesson. He stayed late. He came early for his daughter in the arena that night. Isn't that amazing? That's what I got from the great Kobe Bryant. But I also got this feeling of, what if I had one week left? Who would matter? And it's crystallized my life a lot more. I'm really a little bit different since that experience. You know, I can't tell you that I've completely changed or that I even needed to be dramatically changed. But it affected me. and it's why I'm sharing it with you today. I want it to affect you. I want you to picture being in that gym like I was.

14:43I want you to picture one week left in your life. One hour left, one day left. Who matters to you? If there's something to fix, don't wait. So silly, don't wait. So whatever you're going through right now, I want to say something to you. You can handle it. You got this. It's not that overwhelming. You and God are bigger than this. So what do you got to do to change your life? What are some tips? I'm just going to give you some things not to do this week. Every week I come on here and I say, do this, do this. This could help. This could help. Here's an idea. Here's a suggestion. Here's something that worked for me.

15:17And again, I say all the things I say and teach all the things I teach out of mistakes I've made, out of lessons I've learned. I'm going through this life just like you are, trying to get better, trying to learn, trying to improve, trying to quit making the same mistakes, trying to be happier, trying to be more influential, trying to be more successful, trying to be a better friend, better father, husband, whatever it is in my life, a son, a brother. So this week, just here's a few things to stop doing. Okay. Number one, stop speaking negatively about yourself. Stop it. Words have power and you got to stop doing it.

15:56And by the way, I'm going to always tell you where I make mistakes. This is something I do. I love to be self-deprecating and make fun of myself. One of the reasons I do it is I think it helps people become comfortable with you, particularly if you've become a little bit successful or whatever, you know, you're well-known. I think when you poke fun at yourself, people are more comfortable in your presence. And I also just think some of these things about myself, but I've taken it to an extreme too much. I'm constantly talking about how I'm not smart or I'm not good looking. Or, uh, uh, my new thing is I always say I'm old, I'm old, I'm old.

16:30And And finally, friends of mine said, would you stop saying you're old? And then I've been sick. I've had some significant health issues. And they're like, stop talking about dying. Stop saying you're not going to be here. Stop it. And so I'm going to say to you, stop speaking negatively about yourself. Words matter. They have power. They have influence. They shape your life. Words have a vibrational frequency to them. Truth vibrates at the highest frequency, by the way. Truth when it's spoken. But negative words have a negative vibrational frequency and will affect your success. It will affect your lack of being able to attract the right things into your life, and you will attract things to confirm those negative things you say.

17:08Their thoughts are magnets. Words are magnets. They attract to them that which they say and feel and vibrate as. Stop speaking negatively about yourself.

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18:41And again, I'm speaking to me. I have been a worrier most of my life. And the only way I've gotten out of that worry and changed it, and I still struggle with it to some extent, is I remember when I'm worrying, I am not living in faith. I'm not living in gratitude, and I'm especially not living in faith. I shouldn't be worrying if God's got his hand on my life. I shouldn't be worrying if he's got me in the palm of his hand. I shouldn't be worried if I'm favored. And so stop worrying. That's number two. Three, stop waiting for somebody else to save you. Stop it. The government's not going to save you.

19:17This is such a crazy time for me in the election. I'm watching people say, I can't wait to hear what they're going to say to change my life. Has any politician ever changed your life? Any of them, even your favorites. You loved Reagan. You loved Obama. You loved Trump. Did any of them really change your life? Of course not, because politicians don't change your lives. Other people don't change your lives. Collaborating with other people can change your life, but stop waiting for somebody to save you. Someone's not going to come along and save you. You're going to have to save yourself. You're going to have to pick yourself up.

19:44You're going to have to get to work. You're going to have to take total accountability and responsibility. You have to stop waiting for your boss, your business partner, your mentor, your coach, your politician, your dad, your mom, they're not going to save you. Okay. You're going to save you. Stop waiting for somebody to save you. You'll be waiting to that very end with one more day. And you'll look back and go, wait a minute. I was supposed to save me the whole time. And I'm talking about save you in your life. I'm not talking about getting saved, by the way. That's a different story altogether.

20:13Number four, stop expecting it to be easy. Stop it. I'm going to tell you right now, success is harder than you think. I watched this great interview with this guy that I think he found, I forget what he found, he found this company that I'm impressed with. And they said, well, what would you say to yourself if you had to go all the way back at the beginning, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? And he thought about it for a minute and he says, I probably wouldn't do it. It was that hard. I probably wouldn't do it. And I actually called some of my very successful entrepreneur friends.

20:42I said, is this not true? I'm glad I didn't know how hard it was going to be because if I did, I probably would not have done it. The truth of the matter is it's not going to be easy. It's going to be harder than you think it's hard. Trust me. It's going to be more difficult than you think. You're going to have massive ups and huge downs. People are going to let you down. Why not just accept that in the very beginning and have no expectation of this thing being easy? Life is not easy. Success is not easy. And it's difficult in ways that you will not even imagine when you get there. It's mentally draining, emotionally draining.

21:12It can be financially draining. You have to resist the temptation to not believe in people because so many are going to let you down. I'm just being your friend right now and telling you, and it's totally worth it. It's totally worth it, but it is going to be so difficult. It's going to take longer than you think it's going to take. You're going to have stuff happen that you cannot believe is happening. You're literally going to have days go, this isn't really happening. You're going to have a lot of those days. John Maxwell likes to say that a great leader is probably not going to have two good days in a row.

21:40Not for a long time. So I'm here to tell you, stop thinking it's going to be easy. Just expect it to be difficult. So when it comes along, you're like, I was looking for you. Glad you showed up. I've been waiting for you to show up. And then when that shows up, another one's going to. You're like, well, that doesn't sound very appealing to me. It's not. But listen, winning is appealing. Change is appealing. Pain stopping in your family forever is appealing. Poverty never being in your family again is awesome. Totally worth it. Making the dreams come true for your family and the people you love, awesome.

22:11Getting the end of your life and being proud of yourself, getting the end of your life and going, man, I did it. I maxed out my life is worth it every damn time. But it is not going to be easy. I'm telling you, it will be difficult. So stop expecting it. Five, stop expecting support. You're probably not going to get it. I'm being your friend right now. I need the support of my spouse, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my parents, my boss, my mentor. Stop it. They're probably not going to support you. right? If you're waiting around for that, it's going to be a long wait and you don't need it anyway.

22:47That's a fallacy. Aren't you motivated enough and inspired enough or you need someone else to fill you with inspiration and motivation? If that's going to get you off your game and your focus, just wait till the rejection comes. Just wait till the setback. Just wait till you've climbed up to the middle of the ladder you're trying to get at and you get knocked all the way back down to the bottom and you got to climb back up again from the very beginning, three or four or five years after you're into it. So I'm going to be clear with you. I'm trying not to speak negatively about myself. I am trying not to worry and be more faithful.

23:20I am waiting around for nobody to save me. I do not expect it to be easy. And I'm not looking for support. These are all things that our culture says to us. I need your support. Why? What's that going to actually do? Is it going to get you to make more phone calls? Is it going to get you to get more business? No, but it'll sustain me. Well, maybe it won't be there. And if you need that, and I'm telling you, you're probably not going to get it. You better negotiate that out of the price right now. I'm here as your friend and your coach and a mentor and someone who totally believes in you that you were born to do something great with your life.