7 Symptoms Of Self-Sabotage

0:04This is the Ed Milet Show. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. I'm so excited about today's topic. It's probably the number one topic that I get asked about, which is the topic of self-sabotage. What do people do in their life subconsciously and unconsciously to sabotage their success or their happiness, their results in general? I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm kind of an expert on this topic and not because I'm so perfect, but because I spent so much of my life sabotaging particular areas that I was making progress in, whether that was in my financial success. I'd get some financial success or business success and then I'd sabotage it.

0:43Frankly, even really in my own personal happiness and peace, I'd feel like I'd get a little bit more bliss, a little bit more happiness, a little bit more peace in my life. Then I'd sabotage the results. Even some relationships that I've had, I've sabotaged them. So I'm kind of an expert on this self-sabotage thing. I also think I've probably become close to an expert on how to stop it and why it happens in the first place. So what I'm going to give you today is the gift of seven things people do to sabotage themselves, their success, their happiness, their finances, their body, their relationships.

1:16I'm going to give you seven of them. But before I do that, because I think these seven things are symptoms that in other words, when I outline them for you, if you're doing any of them or more than one of them, you're currently sabotaging something. So they're symptoms. But the root cause, the disease is something that's never discussed when it comes to sabotage. And I want to cover that today. What's going on behind the scenes in our minds subconsciously, unconsciously, that's causing us to sabotage things? Because if we can identify that, man, we've got a chance of eliminating all of these seven symptoms I'm going to share with you.

1:48And so here's how I look at sabotage. See, our lives are dictated. The most powerful force in our life is our personal identity. Our personal identity is like the thoughts, beliefs, and concepts that we hold to be the most true about who we believe we are or what we're worth. It's a worthiness, but it's even more than that. It's a combination of our experiences, what we're familiar with, what we believe we're worth, our self-confidence, all combined creates our identity or who we believe we are. And our identity is very much like a thermostat setting on our lives. So like in the studio right now, it's set at 73 degrees.

2:24I checked it right before I started with you. And what's great about that is that thing's set at 73 degrees. Guess what's going on in this theater right now? 73 degrees is happening inside here. Here's why. The external conditions do not control the conditions of this studio. Right now, it's about 85 degrees outside. Externally, it's really hot out there. But in here, 73 degrees. Because what happens externally does not control what happens internally in this theater. And here's the story. Same with your life. It's not the external things. It's not how other people are treating you or events going on in the world or events going on in your life or circumstances outside of your control that dictate your life.

3:06What dictates your life is that thermostat setting, your identity. Let me give you an example. And you've probably seen this before with yourself or friends of yours. See, you have multiple thermostat settings, by the way. You have an identity setting, a thermostat setting for your happiness, your finances, your success, your relationships, your physical body. You have multiple, your faith. Let's just take a few of them. Maybe you've had this happen before in your life, but if you have a 73 degree success thermostat setting, right? And all of a sudden your business is growing, you're at 80, 90, 95 degrees.

3:38Maybe you've got a promotion at work or you own your own business and it's growing. But somehow a year later, it comes right back down to what it was before. Was it all the external conditions like if you go oh it's supply chain interest rates went up the economy changed it's it always seems like it those things but it never is because even in those conditions some people are winning some people are losing what's happened is your success started to get higher than your thermostat setting and it becomes unfamiliar to you you're not used to it so what do you do you turn the air conditioner on subconsciously unconsciously and you cool your success back down to what you believe you're worth or your identity setting you've seen this happen in in your happiness level.

4:17You really believe identity wise, you're 73 degrees of happiness. I know I've seen this for me or peace of mind. And you go through a season of your life where, man, you're really happy and you found some peace in your life and you got it together. I got some routines and some habits and some friends now, man, I'm happy at 85, 90, 100 degrees. But somehow over time, I found my way to back to 73. I had cooled it back down again. I've done it my money. I've done it my business. I just turn the air conditioners on probably so have you maybe you have a friend or you personally that you know they uh got in 73 degrees of fitness or wellness or vitality you know and you see them and they've and they've lost weight they're going to the gym they look ripped and great and you're like my gosh you dropped 20 pounds you look incredible and they're 85 90 100 degrees of fitness and then you don't see them for a while and you come back in a year and you notice my gosh they've they've gained all the weight back maybe even plus three or four or five pounds.

5:14What happened? Because although they changed their workout and their diet, they didn't change the internal thermostat setting. And so at some point, eventually they subconsciously cooled it back down and they get the body they believe they deserve and their worth. Maybe you've seen this in a relationship. You have a friend who's just their love thermostat is 73 degrees of love in their relationships or how much they're going to allow themselves to enjoy. And then they've got this new person, this guy or girl they're seeing and you go to dinner with them. They're so happy. They're all lovey-dovey.

5:43They're at 90, 100 degrees. He or she's perfect for me. They're my soulmate. They're amazing. You're like, oh my gosh, they finally found 100 degrees of love. But if inside there's still a 73 degree or you come back in a year, maybe you haven't seen them and you're like, hey, what happened to so-and-so? Oh, it didn't work out. We grew apart. We had different values. It just didn't click long-term. They cheated, whatever it might be. What happened was you turned the air conditioner on of your life and you cooled it back down to what you believe you're worth. So this identity, this thermostat setting dictates everything.

6:16So if we can change that thermostat setting, and by the way, there's lots of ways we do it. In my book, The Power of One More, I have entire chapters on how do you elevate your thermostat setting? I recommend you go get The Power of One More, but I'll give you a few of them today. You always hear, you're really the five people you hang around the most. Well, why that matters is because people that you hang around that have thermostat settings higher than yours will heat you up somewhere in between their setting and yours. Let me give you an example of what I mean. You can't possibly be if you're a 73 degree fitness person, you're a little bit out of shape, but you're hanging around and going to dinner and working out with people that are 100, 120 degrees of fitness and wellness and vitality.

6:52They will heat you up somewhere between where you're 73 and their 120 is because you're eating with them. You're working out with them. See, progress is influence. Proximity is influence. So they heat you up. Same thing in your success. If you start running around, you're a 73 degree person of success. You're just kind of right down here. But all of a sudden, you start hanging around people that are at 90, 100, 120 degrees. You've got mentors and friends that are 120, 150. They heat you up by proximity. So there's faith, there's association, and there's intention. These are three things I call the trilogy of increasing one's identity.

7:27So association is a big one. So that's why it's important to evaluate who are you hanging around? Do they just make you feel good? Do they validate your thermostat settings or do they increase your thermostat settings? So identity is a major, major root cause disease of self-sabotage. And again, we're going to cover the seven symptoms in a minute. The other thing to evaluate is in our life, remember this, we like to move towards what's familiar and we all want to have a sense of self-control in our life. So we move towards what's familiar and we don't like the feeling of being out of control. So I'm going to submit to you something that maybe you've never heard before.

8:05You probably have never heard the thermostat analogy, but I'm going to give you another one. Maybe the reason you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict the future. It allows you to predict what's going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self-control. Think about that again. Maybe the reason you're self-sabotaging is because it allows you to predict what's actually going to happen, because it's going to become familiar. and it gives you this illusion of self-control. Maybe that's what's going on behind the scenes. This identity thing where we cool it back down because we don't like to go to the unfamiliar.

8:40We don't like to move where we've never been before. And so self-sabotage allows our lives to become predictable because they'll stay the way they've always been. Isn't that interesting? Now, what are seven symptoms of the two diseases I just described? Number one thing that people do that sabotage themselves, and this is in no order, but I'm gonna give you seven of them. Number one thing they do, they focus on the past. They focus on the past. They look backwards a lot. You know, there's this analogy that the rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield for a reason because you should be looking through the windshield.

9:13But the truth is the inside of the car that you're sitting in, the present place you're sitting is even bigger than the windshield. And I can tell you that people that are growing, that aren't sabotaging themselves, spend very little time looking in the rear view mirror. They spend some time looking in the windshield forward, but they spend a lot of time fully present at where they are. And if you're looking in the past all the time, you're going to repeat it. If you're looking in the past, the reason you look back there is it's familiar. The reason you can look back there is you can predict it.

9:40The reason you look back there is you've tied a story to it that you're very familiar with. And so people that self-sabotage keep looking to the past and wonder why they can't move into their future. Or every time they step into a new future, they end up sabotaging it because you're bringing the past with you because you focus there. Stop focusing on the past or you're going to be sabotaging. And if you are focusing on the past, you're in the middle of sabotaging something right now. It could be your relationship, your success, your finances, your body, your faith, your emotions. But if you focus on the past, you're going to get more of it.

10:12And by the way, even if you're reminiscing about a past that somehow you've created a story that's better than your future, all you're doing is reinforcing the negative emotions of what you have now. second thing that people do that self-sabotage they focus on what they don't have they focus on the lack of things people that focus on lack end up replicating it and getting more of what they don't want to have when you focus on what you don't have the relationship you don't have the body you don't have that you're not as beautiful as you want to be or as tall as you want to be or as smart as you want to be or you don't have the connections or the relationship or the degree or what you think is the the notoriety or the followers on instagram or the friends or whatever it might be, when you focus on what you don't have, I promise you that's a symptom of somebody who's in the midst of sabotaging something in their life or who is going to.

11:00Let's just already look at this. You focus on the past. You focus on what you don't have. You are already turning the air conditioners on of your life. Even if it hasn't shown up in the result yet, it's about to because you're cooling things back down again. The third thing that people that sabotage themselves do is they compare. They compare themselves to other people. Remember this comparison is the thief of joy. But they also do something really interesting. They don't just compare themselves to other people. By the way, let's just stay on that for a second. You're comparing yourself typically to the most filtered, sanitized version of most people's lives, which is what you see on social media.

11:38They've taken 900 pictures to post that one, then they threw a filter on it, right? And you're comparing what is going on in your real life to the lives of other people. And by the way, I'm going to tell you something. I was at dinner the other night, about two nights ago, and I observed this family that was a couple of tables down from us. And man, it was just one of those nights. We've all had that in our family. Nobody was getting along. The kids were screaming. Mom and dad were mad at each other, saying some nasty things, yelling at the kids. One of the daughter had hit the sun. You know, we've all had something like that happen, but it was a really difficult night for that family.

12:14And man, they were going at it and it was not a pleasant evening it was not a joyful dinner there was not a lot of bliss not a lot of peace and i remember the little girl actually hit her little brother and he started crying and the dad said something he shouldn't have said then the mom was mad at the dad for what he said to the child and then the server came over and they said would you take a picture of our family and then all of a sudden all the noise all the chaos all the anger all the frustration stopped and everyone sat down on daddy's lap you smiled and then they took a picture for four seconds.

12:43Hey. And it was like this blissful, joyous picture that in no way, I'm sure they posted in no way represented what was actually going on in that family at any given time during that dinner. It was four seconds of a fake picture of emotions that weren't taking place. But imagine if you saw that picture of that amazing family and the minute you see it, you compare it to your family and the mess that you think it is right now or the great time. Doesn't it seem like everyone on social media is on vacation? Everyone's partying. Everyone's somewhere cool. Everyone's got great friends. Everyone looks amazing.

13:15Everyone's happy. And then there's you in your real life. That's one way that people compare. Maybe you compare to the version, the mask that most people wear in front of you of how happy and successful and confident they are. And you're comparing their confidence and success, the mask they're wearing to how you really feel. Maybe you compare to go back to number one, to your past, to some story or illusion you have about a previous time in your life. You know what's the most unfair thing you can do to a relationship that's mature where you've been in it for four, five, six, seven years or 10 years or 20 years?

13:49One of the most unfair things you can do is to compare that time that you're in currently in your relationship to the first six months or the first year when everything was new, everything was blissful, you were getting to know one, everyone was on their best behavior, you had no negative memories at that time and you compare your current relationship with someone to the exact same relationship you had with them except when it started. Or worse, you compare the relationship you're in to a previous one you had with another person. It doesn't even need to be another person. It could just be another time with the same person.

14:19None of that is fair. Maybe you're comparing your life right now to five years ago or eight years ago or when you were in this or that or this career or that job. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't compare yourself to other people. Don't compare yourself to their sanitized versions on social media, the masks they wear, and don't compare your life to another time in your life or a relationship to another relationship or even the current relationship and just a different time in that relationship. You're getting ready to sabotage your relationship, your success, your happiness, your emotions if you compare.

14:52So, so far, people that sabotage focus on the past. They focus on what they lack or don't have and they compare. The fourth thing people do that sabotage themselves is they focus on things they can't control instead of the things they can control. There's a lot of different things you can't control. You can't control other people. You can't control their behavior. You can't control the market. You can't control interest rates. You can't control what's going on in the world around you. You know, one of the great distractors in life that steals people's joy is the media. The media is constantly feeding you things that you cannot control that you ought to be very upset about.

15:30And many of the things that you see, you should be upset about. There's so many things going on on the world that are tragic and hurtful and disgusting and make you wonder about humanity. And you should spend some of your time focusing on those things and trying to make a difference for them. But at the same time, if you obsess in that world in the media of all things you can't control, all of them, you begin to become habitual about focusing on other things you can't control in your life and you're going to sabotage your own life. You're going to. Don't focus on people, things, events that you cannot control.

16:02Now, there are things you can have some influence over by speaking out and having an opinion. You understand the difference that I'm making here. You know exactly what I mean. But what I am saying is when you become somebody who repetitively and habitually constantly focuses on events, people, things, circumstances that you cannot control. Here's what I do know. You can't control other people. If you think you're going to control that person you're in a relationship with, you're going to sabotage it. If you think you're going to control that client or customer of yours. You're going to control the conditions of the world.

16:31You're going to control the market. You're going to control politics in the world. You're going to have a life that's probably going to have a lot of self-sabotage. So don't do that. Influence it, be informed, but don't try to control it. Fifth thing that people do who self-sabotage, they get discouraged. You know, as a believer, as a faith-based person, I believe there's an adversary and I believe the adversary's number one weapon he will use against you in your life to get you to sabotage your life is to get you discouraged. If I can just get you down, I don't have to get you to completely fail.

17:01That's the easy way. I just need to get you discouraged. I need you to lose an account. I need you to miss a sale if I'm the adversary. I just need someone to say something mean or negative to you. I just need a couple letdowns to happen. If I can get you discouraged, you'll sabotage the rest of it for me if I'm the adversary. So people that sabotage themselves, they get discouraged. And what discouraged means is they lack courage, discouraged. So the antidote to that is to stay courageous, is to feel fear and step into it anyway, is to feel the rejection and move forward, is to have the sale not won or the close not happen and learn from it and grow from it rather than be discouraged from it.

17:44So the fifth thing is people that sabotage themselves get discouraged. The sixth thing they do, they get distracted. They don't focus on the things they can control and they get distracted. They get distracted by social media. They get distracted by the media. They get distracted by what other people are doing. They get distracted by habits that don't serve them. One thing I would encourage you to do is make a list of the things that typically distract you. There's three or four things that constantly distract you from where you're going or what you want. If you're in a relationship, maybe it's being distracted with other people.

18:15If you're in business, it's being distracted with the media or social media. It may be in the gym and you're not training as hard as you want to because you're distracted by watching television instead of getting up and going for your workout. Whatever the thing is that distracts you, make a list of those things and do everything you can to eliminate or reduce them and self-sabotage. These symptoms begin to go away. Remember, these are the symptoms of the greater disease of the thermostat and the illusion of control. And then seven, believe it or not, one thing that people do that gets a lot of self sabotage in their life is they get a little bit of success.

18:50They just get a taste of success. And that taste of success, they cool it. In other words, if it's in their business life, they get a little bit of progress, they get a promotion at their job, or if they own a business, they've grown their income, they're at a level they were never at before, just a little bit of success, man, you'll start to sabotage things a little bit. I'm amazed when I watch this, but people that get a little bit of progress in their business and then they cool it. They don't make the same effort that got them that little bit of success. Let me say that to you again. The very thing, the effort you made, the behavior, the relentless pursuit that got you that little taste of success, you stop doing or reduce the amount of the thing that got you the success in the first place.

19:29And now you're sabotaging the very success you got. Believe it or not, one of the big instigators of self-sabotage is a little bit of progress, a little bit of success. You cool it. Literally, you cool down your life with the thermostat setting. That term, Dan, don't cool it, doesn't just mean stop your activity. Cool it means you've cooled the life back down, the success back down, the body back down, the emotions back down. You've started to cool it down because guess what? That little bit of success is unfamiliar. And now you want that illusion of control that I talked about in the beginning.

20:06I'm going to get this back to what I'm used to because I can control it. I can predict it. So it's subconscious, but you literally stop doing the things that got you the little bit of success. The very thing you would think we would all, wouldn't we as adults go, well, I did this, this, and this. It got me that result. I will do more of it to get more success. But most people, once they get a little bit of progress, a little bit of success, not only not even do the same amount, they do less of it. they celebrate too long they cool it down they do less of the very activity that produced the result in the first place and it becomes this like chasing their tail thing where they do something to produce a result or an emotion or something in their body and then they do less of it take your body maybe you ate a particular way for three or four months amount of calories amount of protein amount of hydration right amount of cardio do the way you lift it it produced a change then you get that change and not only do you not do the same amount you should be doing more of it you do less of it and sabotage the result or in business there's a certain amount of contacts and phone calls or emails or posts you made to produce that little bit of progress and success you get the success and rather than doubling down and doing more of it or at least the same amount of it, you do less of it or none of it and sabotage the very progress that you made.

21:29That is the absolute manifestation of turning the air conditioner on and cooling your life back down. So let's review these seven symptoms of the disease of self-sabotage. Focus on the past. Focus on what you don't have. Compare. Focus on everything you can't control. Get discouraged. get distracted and have a little bit of success those seven things are symptoms of people who are probably going to sabotage their lives why because they haven't increased their thermostat setting their identity setting to 85 90 100 see you can acquire all the skills to be successful all the tools man you can have the ferrari of talents or the ferrari of opportunities but if you're driving a honda of an identity you're going to get honda results no offense to Honda, but you know exactly what I mean, right?

22:19The truth of the matter is you've got to find a way to increase that thermostat setting. And that's through your faith, by focusing on your intentions and through your associations to let those people around you heat you up. One thing to evaluate, and we talked about comparing and lack and focusing on the past. I'm going to ask you a question. What about the people you hang around the most? If you took a look at the last 90 days of your four or five best friends, when you're around them, when you talk with them, how much of the conversations are about the past? Remember this? Remember that time?

22:53Remember when we were there? You remember? You remember? Right? Is there a lot of that? Because if that is the case, you're just reinforcing the past. Or maybe you focus on what you don't have. Or maybe they gossip about other people. Or they're comparing to other people. Maybe they're constantly talking about what's going on in the world or around you or things they can't control. Maybe they help you get distracted. And when you start to evaluate the people that are around you, I can just tell you something. I've had lots of friends in my life that I've added, some toxic people I've had to eliminate, but my best friends get me focusing in the present moment or on where I'm going.

23:29And we spend very little time talking about the past. And I'm blessed that many of my friends have incredible pasts at this stage of my life. They could talk about the Super Bowls they won or the millions of dollars they made or the company they built and sold or the amazing family they've raised. They spend very little time talking about the past, even when it's incredible. They're focused in the present moment or they're looking through that windshield going to the future. They spend very little time. But if most of the conversations you have with the people around you are on the past, you remember this, remember that party, remember that time, remember this thing, remember that vacation, remember that time?

24:03Maybe they compare to other people. Maybe they gossip about other people. Maybe they focus on what they don't have. Maybe they are constantly reinforcing that you're enough right where you're at. You know, that's one of the things that's frustrating to me is this notion that you're enough right where you're at. Well, yes, you need to accept who you are, but there ought to be this part of you that's hungry to grow. I want my friends not to accept me as I am, but to have high expectations of where I'm going. I want them to love me as I am, but believe I'm capable of more. I don't want them to accept where I'm at.