Have Better Sex w/ Dr. Emily Morse

22:17Right. And so what would you say to somebody who says, man, I, you know, it's been a while. We've, we've been down this road a while. We have, I'm just going to be real. Everybody probably less sex than you used to. And it's not as good as it once was. And now you've gotten busy. Maybe there's kids running around the house or you both have two jobs, or you got to get your workout in, you got all these other things, you're just like, man, I just don't feel like doing it most of the time. What would you say to somebody who says that to you? Like, I just, it's just become a pattern of not making it a priority.

22:49How do we switch that? Obviously talking about it is one thing. Yeah, that's good. Talking about it. But the next thing would be prioritizing, prioritizing it, prioritizing your pleasure and saying like, this is something that's important to me. And that's why actually in smart sex in my book I write these five pillars because I realize of sexual intelligence because I realized that like we prioritize everything else in our life and sex is always like in the back burner it's like the bastard child of the health of the wellness industry it's like sex should just feel good without prioritizing it should just magically happen without any work great without any work it takes work so really it's saying like would you be open to prioritizing it like making sure and then there's a lot of different ways to go about it first I want to say also is that it's not it isn't for most people I'll say it's not as great as it once was so it's prioritizing that we're gonna we're gonna find out how we can connect to each other with each other again intimately and realize that sex isn't just about penetration it is about intimacy like you said it's about you sometimes it's just giving your partner a massage it's making out it's holding hands it's feeling close again sometimes sex becomes this thing that we avoid because we're like oh god there's my partners they're coming up and kiss me that means sex has to happen and then we avoid and we push them away.

23:59I don't have time for sex right now. We go from like zero to sex. And there's all this like beautiful stuff in the middle of it where it's making out or it's, you know, a lot of people I tell them massage. How about one night you give your partner a massage with nothing in return? And no, you don't have to go to massage school. It could just be, you know, rubbing their shoulders, their back, getting some coconut oil and just rubbing their feet. Something like that without the need to you're just receiving that night. You're just giving and then you're receiving. The next time you're doing it, you know, you're doing the receiving or the giving and you switch.

24:29And so it's like defining, like, what does that look like for us? And then also I want people to figure out and kind of hack this. When is the best time for sex? Because I'm a huge fan of scheduling sex. I tell people this all the time and hear me out everyone before you're like, that is not hot. Like that is not a turn on. Like I do not want to look at my, my calendar and be like, pick up dry cleaning, get kids from school, have sex. Like you just like killed my arousal. Yeah. No, but the thing is, if it's, I just think about things that you talk about this too all the time. You got to prioritize what's important.

25:01Your workouts. Yes. You know, the talks with your staff, the talks with your kids. You got to put sex on the menu. You got to put sex on the calendar. Like this is the night. And if you know, the other thing I get people to do is like, what's keeping you from sex? Like, what is it? Well, we haven't got a babysitter in so long. We never take a vacation. The house is a mess. Like I know for me, like if my house is a mess and I haven't finished things or it's too cold in the house, like the sheets aren't clean, I'm not going to want sex. So how do we think about like, what does get me in the mood for sex?

25:29Well, I know I've worked out. I'm hydrated. I've cleared resentments with my partner. Make sure there's a babysitter. Better yet, we got a hotel room for the night or, you know, whatever it is. What are all the factors? That's why that great exercise of what are the most memorable times you've had sex? That's also like pure gold because you can go, okay, most memorable time What were all the elements there? And then reverse engineer it. How do we create that scenario so we can have more of that? And even if you were in Hawaii and you're not in Hawaii, well, what is it about Hawaii? It's clean sheets.

26:03If it's room service, like maybe you can make sure that you have all the snacks that you love. Maybe you go for a walk that night so you're out in nature and you're feeling that. Maybe it's some cocktails. Some cocktails. Right? Like maybe it's that. Literally get some umbrellas with some pineapple. Yes. You know, it's all sensory experiences. Well, you're a million. I love you. I think this is so good because I got to tell you that I have a friend of mine recently. You said something earlier I want to just touch on, especially for the men. And she goes, well, I know when he wants to have sex because he kissed me.

26:35And so what you just said is like it's a lot of times with us men, I think. And I don't want to do gender specific stuff because it's way too big a generalization and probably not fair to either. Having said that, though, you know, well, you know, he only kisses me when he wants to have sex. He's only getting really nice. He only tells me I'm really beautiful when he wants to have sex. And so there becomes this resistance almost like, oh, I know what you're doing. You're playing me here. You're setting me up for tonight, right? Instead of just having that be present. That's why whatever your faith is or your love and your relationship, I think it's got to be present constantly to create an environment where the physical intimacy is the logical step next.

27:09And what you said about scheduling it, let's just be real. In this day and age, as busy as we all are, what doesn't go scheduled doesn't happen. Exactly. And you're like, you fit it in somewhere. And it's like, and by the way, I think sometimes the fact that you schedule it tells somebody how important they are to you. Right? Like, you really matter to me. It's not like something I'll fit in in between the stuff that really matters to me. This is a priority for me. So I'm really big. Okay, now we're going to get kind of in some nitty gritty, like, tangible physical stuff here. So this is where it gets a little uncomfy for me, but I want to go there.

27:41You, here we go. So you, I want to know in a woman's case, do they know what gives them pleasure? In other words, is there some benefit to experiencing one's self to figure out what areas do feel good so that you can tell your male partner what areas feel good? And are some women gone through their lives or men, but you said it's easier for a man to orgasm. So I'm asking about women. they're at a point in their life where they're 25 or 30 and maybe they don't know exactly what because what I learned from you is that clitoral area that vulva area there's different parts that may feel better than other parts and perhaps experiencing that by yourself first could help you communicate it to another uh the person that you love and I love that you're bringing it up what we're talking about is self-pleasure right we're talking about masturbation and masturbation And again, talking about shame, there's so much like shame around it.

28:39Or maybe you grew up in a household where you were told that it was wrong and you're going to, you know, you're going to grow hair on your palms or whatever all the old tropes are about that. But actually, masturbation is a really healthy part, a really important part of being sexually healthy overall, because that's how you learn what feels good to you. Your partner is not a mind reader. He's not going to come in and know exactly how it all works. And in fact. Or she. Or she. Exactly. She doesn't know either. I think everyone, I think masturbation is great when you're in a relationship, when you're out of a relationship.

29:12And what I hear from a lot of people in my listeners too are like, I caught my partner masturbating. It doesn't mean that like they don't love me anymore. They're not into me or is it cheating? And I'm just going to say it's about like, it's really, it's a really healthy part about understanding your connection with yourself. You're learning things. You have to worry about like your partner looking at you there yet. Are you there yet? I mean, I, for myself, I don't think I masturbated until I was in my late 20s, mid to late 20s. I realized that I just never thought about it. I was like, well, I have a partner I don't need to.

29:45And I hear that a lot of times, well, I don't need to. I have a partner. And I'm telling you and I'm encouraging you, just take some time alone to say, take a mirror and look between your legs. What's actually going on there? Do you notice when you touch certain parts that it feels good? Does it not feel as good? That's how you learn. And then you get to tell your partner, look what I discovered. Look what feels really good to me. because you're responsible for your own pleasure. And I used to blame partners too. It's like, well, they didn't give me an orgasm and they didn't do this for me. And now knowing what I know after doing this for so long, I realize they have no way of knowing because everyone's different.

30:19If you put a hundred women in a room and they were all touching themselves, they would all be doing something differently. It's different for everyone. There's not like this universal, I mean, the parts might be the same, but is it a tapping? Is it a light motion with their fingers? Are they on their stomach or are they on their back? We all learn different ways to pleasure, so have some fun with it. Get curious. Right, and I'm not, I want to be clear. Like, if you have an understanding in your relationship where you do feel like, oh, they're imagining someone else that's bad, then maybe that's not right for you.

30:49Or there's a religious reason that you may not do it. I get all of that, but I'm saying in general. In general. It's pretty difficult to express to somebody that which gives you pleasure if you're unaware of what that is. Right, exactly. And so, you know, there's a way to experience that. There's a great hack for that. And this, again, once you get to the point of like masturbation is okay, do it together. Like mutual masturbation together. If you're both doing it, you're like, oh, because not only can it be really sexy. That's a really interesting, that's a really, really good suggestion. Yeah.

31:18Because then you're like, oh, I didn't realize that you moved your hand that way. So now when I touch you, I didn't know that you wrapped your hand around your shaft. Like I'll do that then the next time. because I don't, I mean, I'm just sitting here trying to figure it out too. So then you're learning. So it's hot, but then you're like, oh, that's what you do. I'm going to do that too the next time I touch you. Right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. Show and tell. It's not been as completely painful or as uncomfortable for me as I thought it would be. I think it's great. I'm like really grateful that we are.

31:48What's your definition of a pleasure thief? A pleasure thief is something that comes into your life and that is really just ever present and it's keeping you from having pleasure, joy, or orgasms. And the three that I've identified that are the most, that are stealing your pleasure all the time is stress, anxiety, worry, angst. All of those things are stealing your pleasure. If you are really anxious about or worried about money, your job, insecurities around, I mean, actually, I don't want to say this about genders anymore, but I used to say if a man's worried about money, he also should be worried about his erection.

32:28It's all closely related. So stress, trauma, if you've had any kind of trauma in your life. And I'm even talking like, it doesn't mean like a big T trauma. It could be a little T trauma, like just things that have happened that really have impacted your self-confidence. That's going to impact you. I think therapy is important for everybody, essentially just getting a second opinion on your life, which who doesn't need that? It's like a business coach for your mental health. And then shame. Let me cover shame. Those are the pleasure thieves. That's what's keeping us. And also like going back to when I say stress, it's your busyness.

33:00It's doing everything else but. And I also want to remind you that sex is like a muscle and sex begets sex. So the more sex you have, that's why I love masturbation, self-touch, self-pleasure, talking about sex. You get to put that all under the sexual umbrella. The more you keep sex top of mind, the more sex you're going to want to have. Okay. Let's talk about the two types of lubrication. Okay. You call it communication is lubrication. Yes. And then there's actual lubrication, which you're a big, big, big fan of. That could be my legacy. Remember Steve Jobs? Like, I want a computer on every desk.

33:35Your legacy is lube. I want a lube on every nightstand. I brought you some lube. I brought you some lube. Yes, I brought you a gift bag and a massager of this lube that I'm actually, Chief Sexologist is a company called Playground. And why I love this lube is because it's safe for women and it's safe for men. But I love all lube. because here's the thing about lube. Lube gets a bad rap and here's why I'm a huge fan of it. First off, we are told that if we have to use lube as a woman, something's wrong with us. We are not wet enough. We're not turned on and then, oh, if I'm not turned on, my partner's going to feel bad and then for men, we're like, I didn't do something.

34:09It was probably my penis size. Like, why isn't she turned on? But let me just clear everyone's mind now and tell you that your wetness level is not an indicator of arousal. You can be really turned on and not wet. You can be wet and not turned on. Really? Plus, your wetness is not consistent. Certain times a month we're wetter than others. Certain foods we eat, certain medications we take, we just won't be as wet. It's not reliable. Okay? So you know they tell you to wear sunblock even when there's clouds outside? Yes. So you can still get a burn? Yes. You could still have tears and infections if you're too dry.

34:44And so that's why I just say lube on every nightstand. Every time you're having sex, grab for the lube. Just a few drops. I love a squeezable bottle that you just pour on, even if it's sex with yourself or sex with somebody else. And the Kinsey Institute, which is the leading authority, science-backed studies on sex, they did a study and they showed when you had a few drops of lube, just a few drops, you don't need a whole few drops to any sexual situation, that women were 80 % more likely to orgasm. Whoa. Because there's all these nerve endings. So we talk about the clitoris and all you do is put a little bit on your hand, you rub it into a clitoris or their vulva.

35:20because there's so many nerve endings. And so those feel really good when they're well lubricated. Okay. I'm really glad I asked that then. Seriously. Yeah, it's great. It's safety. You know one thing I've, I'm just going to go right into it. So I really want to know this. Let me ask you a better question. What percentage of women actually have actual orgasms with their mate when they're having sex? What's the data say? Okay. Ready? Only about 20, sometimes 20 % of women will have an orgasm. during penetration. Okay. 20%. And of those women, it's not every single time. We can have sex in other ways.

35:57And usually it's with a toy or fingers or a mouth, but really not with a penis and not during penetration. And I'm so I'm prepping, believe it or not, I prepped and I learned a little bit because a dude, so I know nothing. I'm a dude, right? So, but I learned this difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasm. the vulva I've learned these things hey everybody we're going right into this because like let's make sex better in our lives right and so really what I learned from you correct me if I'm wrong is more women have if men men you should all know this too it's easier for women to have a clitoral orgasm than it is a vaginal orgasm exactly and the reason for that is why is because the clitoris so the clitoris is really the so the vulva is the external part of the vagina it's the part that we see, that we could see to the naked eye.

36:48And the clitoris, which I think we've maybe all sort of heard about the clitoris in recent years or in our lives, perhaps, but it's a very understudied organ. And the only reason the clitoris exists is for female pleasure. And get this, Ed, okay, you're comfortable talking about it. We never even study it. While I was writing Smart Sex, my book, for years, for almost two decades, I've been doing this. I I said the clitoris has 8 ,000 nerve endings. We came to find out the clitoris now has 12 ,000 nerve endings. Even more. We just found 4 ,000 more nerve endings. So anyway, the clitoris is on the outside, and that's really women.

37:22If they talk about, like, oh, I had an orgasm once when I was riding a bike, or I was a kid, or I felt something feel good with the shower head. That's why it's more easily accessible. So internally, though, is where there's – the clitoris also extends inside. There's actually deep – there's clitoral – internal clitoral nerves. So mostly I would think of the clitoris as that little bud right above the vaginal opening. But that's just the beginning of it. Again, the clitoris has legs that extend deep inside. And when those are stimulated, then you can have a more internal full body orgasm. But just a side note, and I get into all the different kinds of orgasms in the book, but when the clitoris is stimulated and you have a clitoral orgasm, it's a lot easier to have an internal orgasm because you become more roused and turned on.

38:06Okay, so I'm a guy and I don't know this. And by the way, I actually think some women exactly don't know this, right? No one knows this. And so when a woman experiences pleasure from an orgasm, is it a stronger one if it's an internal one? You know, it varies. It varies person to person. Thank God. Because we can't, you know, we're all so different. But it tends to be more full-bodied. Many women say that. It's more full-bodied. And yeah, it's a little bit more intense. Okay. You know, one thing we've talked about is like orgasms a lot. Yeah. Does that happen? Like, that's not the only reason someone has sex, though, right?

38:40So I think the other thing is, like, feeling pressure to have one can cause it not to happen. Exactly. Or to think that the experience isn't worthwhile if I don't have one. Exactly. But there's something really beautiful about two people who love each other just, you know, intimately caring for one another in a moment that may not result in the climax at any given time. Yeah. So what about that? Like, why is there, I get why there's an obsession because it's like the payoff, but there's a lot of payoff during it even without that, right? Exactly. A lot of payoff. I love that you're asking this question because I want to like de-center sex on only being about orgasm and only being about penetration.

39:18You know, orgasm is great. Don't get me wrong. We all love an orgasm. But if you take the pressure off of orgasm and you're like, I'm just going to get curious and I'm just going to breathe and see what it actually feels like to be touched. And you might find that you have an orgasm as a byproduct of not worrying about having an orgasm, which is kind of an amazing side effect of this process. But just being like, I love making out. I love connection. I love touching and rubbing and pleasure and penetration feels good. I don't have to have an orgasm. Then, I mean, that's all okay, too, because that's connection.

39:50That's intimacy. That's touch. And we need that. Like loneliness is an epidemic. Not touching. Like we don't, some people like, I think a lot of us actually require touch. And then we stop touching because we're like, well, if I touch my partner, it means that sex has to happen. I'm not in the mood for sex. So then we stop touching. We need it. We need to like be connected. We need to hug without the pressure of or have sex or everything without the pressure of orgasm. So take the pressure off and also be open to the fact that it might not happen during penetration. But what else might you need?

40:19I'm telling you a little bit of lube might help. Sex toy might help. Oral sex might help. That's why this whole fun process of getting into sex might make you realize that there are different paths to pleasure because I do think it's possible for everybody to have more orgasms. We just don't really know how to hack it. And we think it should only happen in one way. So I'm telling you there's so many ways. Very good. All right, most awkward question of the entire interview, but it's just stuff that when couples get together, they ask one another. And I think sometimes women feel a pressure to be able to do something that they're not doing.

40:50So when a woman squirts, is she having an actual physical orgasm? And I ask this because I think men want to know what's happening. And then number two, I think sometimes women feel the pressure to do that, and maybe that's not how their body responds. I don't know. So what's the answer on that? The answer to that is that women can squirt an orgasm, and they can orgasm and not squirt. But every time you squirt, it is not an orgasm. No. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Okay. So if someone's not doing that, that doesn't mean they're not turned on by their lover or their partner. Or if they're not squirting.

41:25I think there's been a lot of pressure in recent years because of porn for women to squirt. Like when I first started this almost two decades ago, no one asked me about squirting. And then in porn, everyone started seeing squirting. So everyone wants to know about it. So, yeah, I think that the majority of women can learn to squirt. And if they do, they may or may not coincide with orgasm. Okay. Case by case basis. Okay, good. Thank you for that. So since I asked an awkward one for the women, let me ask an awkward one for the men. Size. How much does size matter in being able to pleasure a woman or does it vary from woman to woman?

41:58Size does not matter as much as you think at all. In fact, I find that most men are way more obsessed with the size of their penis than women are. And typically it's about girth, if anything, than the length of a penis. The girth is really just, and that's the women's vagina is the most sensitive about two inches inside. Okay. So it's really, it's. You know, now I'm going to ask you a backwards question to your work. So I'm not challenged something, but look at it from a different perspective. So I worry about desensitization in our society to making it much more difficult to have attraction to the person that you're with.

42:37So I know you've talked about, in your opinion, you know, like maybe watching porn together is a healthy thing. But I worry about the reverse of that. I worry about men becoming addicted to that, particularly men or women. But I also, setting that aside, I think there should be some caution or warning or conversation about desensitization that we have in our culture with what you can see on social media, where you can get on your phone so quickly that sort of dulls us to the imagery of what we're going to see in front of us or experience in front of us. So although I understand your argument for it being a resource, would you agree with me also that if you're having some of those issues in your relationship, you may need to evaluate whether or not you're showing yourself things too regularly with filters, with, you know, stuff like that, with stuff you see on your phone that just makes like the real world not seem as appealing as what you can see in this perfectly manicured thing you're getting on the feed on your phone.

43:35I really wonder, in fact, I believe that that's to some extent probably contributing to some of the issues we're seeing in society.

43:48Absolutely. 100%. Yeah. I say like, yeah, pornography can be used. It's really titillating. Couples can watch together and that can be really cool to kind of, wow, that's something else we're going to try tonight. We're going to watch some porn. And there are some sites that create more like female-friendly porn that I actually really like because it shows real bodies and stuff like that. But yeah, so that could be great. But no, there are so many problems we will have with porn because they become reliant on it. They keep escalating it. That's when it becomes a problem too. And there's lots of controversy around using the term addiction when it comes to sex.

44:20So I'm really not. But you guys get what I'm saying. There's ways that you can become attached to it. And when it's not there, it's harder to get aroused with a partner. You're like, why isn't she bringing 18 friends? Why doesn't she look this way? We keep escalating the level of intensity of the porn. And so if you find that happening and if you find that porn has become something that you're like really reliant on, then notice that, become aware of it. You know, the first step is awareness and then say, you know what, I'm going to try to just kind of use my imagination. or I have some great tools in the book like mindful masturbation practice where you kind of integrate meditation and masturbation.

44:57Hear me out. It's a really cool practice because then you're just like breathing and you're like getting curious. I mean, I've men do this. I didn't even realize that the underside of my penis under the shaft is where this most sensitive part is because I've never really thought about it. And so that's where there's so much pleasure potential. So yeah, if you feel like your porn is getting to be too much, that's so great you recognize it. Maybe you just put a timer on like I'm just gonna watch for because I hate to tell people go cold turkey and anything so maybe like I'm gonna watch it you know not gonna watch it the first 10 minutes but maybe I'll watch it for a minute at the end or you could try going cold turkey and just going back to your imagination but I just want people have compassion with themselves but also notice it like there's other ways I can get turned on yeah think about things I can I'm big I'm I'm big just because I hear from so many men I really believe there's a detail uh desensitivity that takes place why I I can't say that word that I don't know.

45:48I'm really concerned about it. I think for those of you that are lacking intimacy in your relationship, that's the first place to evaluate. I do think cold turkey is a good suggestion. I do think what you're seeing on your Instagram feed, what you're putting into your mind and your visual experience really does have an impact on you long term. I understand the other argument for it being a stimulant for somebody. but I just feel like it's got to the point in our culture where I, I really believe it's contributing to lack of sex, lack of intimacy and pressure on people to particularly women to have to live up to what's being seen on these screens and do things that's being done.

46:26That's not healthy. I'm with you at the same time. And, and also just, it's just not very realistic in the real world. So I think, I mean, yeah, I love that you're saying that. Cause if this is what you, I hear this from men too. And I hear this from women. And I think that just to remind people, like, porn is not real. It's script. They're cheating towards camera. They're not really having pleasure. I watch porn sometimes. I'm like, there is no way that that feels good to her. I'm like, you are not near her clitoris at all. So, yeah, I just reminded people that, like, if you're finding that there's a way to kind of rewire your brain towards what genuinely, authentically feels good to you in connection with yourself and with a partner.

47:01So I'm with you. I think this matters, everyone, because I'm talking about the topic of sex in general. What I worry about in relationships that I'm seeing is people who are now just married to their buddy or their friend. And at some point in a relationship, I don't want to just live with my buddy. I mean, I have lots of friends. I don't want to be married to them. And so one of the things that separates a marriage is the covenant of it, but it's also the intimacy of it. It's the physical nature of it. It's the connection that you should have in a healthy relationship. And that's why Emily's work matters deeply.

47:38There's not a lot of people doing the work that you do. And I really want to acknowledge you for it. I'm excited about the book too. what else would you suggest to somebody like that we haven't covered where you say listen if you're having an issue in your relationship in in or even if someone's single listening to this and they've got like apprehension about you know sex in their life what other resources or ideas do you have for somebody that just says here's a way to improve your overall confidence level that you, I think confidence has a lot to do with, with our desire to have sex and, and to believe that we're worthy of it even, especially for single people.

48:16But even if you're in a relationship and he used to really seem to desire you and now he doesn't, you've lost that confidence or vice versa. She used to really seem to want you and she doesn't. I think confidence is one of these words that is lost when it comes to sex. Yeah, I know. It's a great, it's a great question. Sexual confidence. And how do we have confidence even when we're not feeling great about ourselves which by the way confidence is a spectrum it's a practice for me it's a daily practice so you could have a day where you're feeling confident or months then when you're not confident and you're just recognizing that things go into confidence is the messages that we tell ourselves is a self-talk so listen if you're walking around all day in this body you're like oh god i've gained weight or i'm gonna be naked with anybody or i hate my body or i'm feeling bad and then you get into a bedroom and you're like oh i should just all of a sudden feel sexy and feel great like that's gonna be really really hard to do and i think that if there's any another i can't think of a better reason to start to work on our own self-confidence and do some exercises around body acceptance or body neutrality.

49:11I'm not even going to say body love because you might never love your body. That's okay. But you could learn to like not hate your body. And I have, you know, a lot of things I talk about is like, um, looking, standing in front of the mirror, like looking at your body and trying to be appreciative. And I know people like, Oh God, I never do that. Well, guess what? You, if you're not comfortable with your own body, how are you going to feel comfortable with someone else in the room? Like now you're having to party with your body and you don't want to be there. So there's little baby steps you can do when you get out of the shower.

49:40A lot of us don't even look in the mirror ever. We're just rushing, rushing, but you can take a moment. I could give you, I always know people are like, I'm not saying for 20 minutes, but like for a minute, you can just stand and look and breathe for a moment and be like, what do I like about my body? Yes. Yes. Oh God. Yeah. My hair is looking good. You know? Oh God. Look at my shoulders. Yeah. They're coming up and doing some reps in the gym. Okay. I don't hate my legs. My legs actually, they got me from A to B to C today. I like those things. And then you can dry off and get dressed for work.

50:07But try to take a moment to appreciate. Have some moment of gratitude for you. Connect to your body. You are not separate. Your body is with you, getting you from place to place, waste your entire life. And we work on negative. I think you talk a lot about mental health and negative body image and negative self-talk. But if you have it towards your body, this is the day that I just want you to think of five things right now, even if you're driving and you're not looking and you're listening to this. what are things that you can appreciate about your body right now that is the very first step to feeling more confident okay massive thing I'm so glad I wish we even covered it earlier in the interview because listen what happens if you first off nobody does very few people stare and go okay I'm gonna look at myself so one that's a gift you should give yourself be present with your body and look at it number one number two that's a difficult thing to do I totally acknowledge and recommend people do that I agree with you the second thing is you're instantly going to go to what sucks about it look at that love handle I got look at this thing I used to have that so then there's gonna be this like you're just gonna go find the things you don't like but what if you could find like you said one to five things just one thing man I got sexy whatever's you know like that still looks damn good or man my eyes are popping or whatever it might be and then if it's even and then if it's not from there it's but I'm good physically at doing this man I got one good you know what game you know whatever it might be but find something to attach your confidence to sexually maybe it's your intent to pleasure somebody just that alone my intention is to be you know is to give them pleasure that's that's a huge thing you're already ahead of 80 percent of the people are just selfishly trying to get what they can get sexually but I think finding your confidence game again whether it's something on your body or your face or somewhere that you think man that is beautiful about me and build from that or something you're willing, your intention intimately with somebody.

51:57I think it's a huge thing because what we're not confident in, we don't want to participate. It's like if you're totally terrified or think you're a terrible public speaker and I go, and to be in a happy relationship, you need to public speak five nights a week. You'd be like, oh my gosh, five nights a week. I'm terrible public speaker. So I think there's a connection here and I'd love you to explore it even more in your work to finding your swagger sexually. You know what I mean? Finding your confidence. And I think sometimes that time spending alone can do that as well. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so good.

52:27That does give you confidence. If you're like, I just gave myself pleasure. I just learned my body more. Then you're way more confident in your next relationship or in your relationship saying, look what I've learned. Look at this cool thing because it doesn't have to be so heavy. Like how grateful is your partner going to be or would you be if someone said to you, like someone said to you, look what I've learned. Look what feels great. When you touch my inner thigh this way with this finger, with this pressure, it feels great. Wouldn't you be so grateful? Like, oh my God, I'm so glad I know this.

52:53And I'll just say one other thing that seems like a weird connection, but those of you that celebrate a particular faith, whatever that might be, I think that's an incredible place to build from in your sexual life. I really do. And whatever that faith might be, but that might be the place to begin that there's such beauty in the connection that you have with this person, that there's not just a physical connection, there's a spiritual and an energetic connection that you have with this person. Perhaps your confidence derived from that. And I don't think enough conversation is linking one's belief systems and faith that you share with somebody to having real intimacy with them.

53:28And I'll say this to a lot of you. If you pray together, okay, and this is something that's never talked about in the sex world, but if you pray together, that is a powerful connection to begin something physical afterwards with. And so this may sound crazy. I know it sounds crazy. So there's all the nasty things you can do, and I'm a believer in all of them. But there's also a beautiful spiritual connection that you can begin to build together as well or build from one you already have that turns into something even more powerful physically. So that's one thing I always wanted to add. Okay. Love it.

53:58Chapter nine, explore and play. It's the one thing I just wanted to elaborate on before, so we're going to run out of time. This like flew by. We're already like an hour in or 50 minutes in. But explore and play is chapter nine of the book. and there's all these great chapters in the book. And by the way, her podcast, Sex with Emily, like it's the jam. It's the podcast on this topic. But what do you, what does that mean? Like, does that mean like just have some fun with your partner playing around and trying different things? It means just like it's, because a lot of the other chapters are breaking down like oral sex, communication, a lot of different, very specific positions.

54:32But explore and play is just anything that's a little bit kinky. And by the way, kinky is basically defined anything that's not missionary position. Okay. So just side note, we all do missionary, but kinky, it means that you want to try maybe some dominant submission play, some tying each other up, talking dirty. Kinky is just an expansion from wherever you are. If you're already pretty named kinky, you may be going way deeper than this. This could be next level, because I want this book to be accessible to everybody wherever you're at, and I think the book does meet people where they're at, and I think you're always refreshing and learning.

55:01I'm never done learning. Hopefully you're never done learning. I don't think you ever get to the point where you know everything about sex, so, you know, because we're always changing, too. So this just gives people permission to have some fun with sex. It has stuff on there like the yes, no, maybe list. Like some tips about, yeah, like some, because listen, one of the number one fantasies that people have, whether you're a man or a woman, is, well, I would say is actually threesomes. And it could even just be fantasizing about a threesome. But the other one is like group play. But the other thing is like kinky, like either being spanked or doing the spanking.

55:35Something dominant, submissive. and that's the masculine and feminine energy. Yes, yes. And I don't just mean gender, but somebody has to lead and someone has to follow sexually. And sometimes one of the biggest fantasies women have is being dominated, is being taken, is being forced to have sex in a very playful way. So this allows people and gives people permission to explore whatever your fantasies are. You know what I think? I think people want, I think they want to be wanted. Yeah, we want to feel desired. Yeah, we feel desired. And I think if you have anything you want to kick off, it's like, I want you to want me, right?

56:06And I think that's reverse. And it's like that may seem like a very basic thing, but when you were dating originally, man, they knew you wanted them. And somehow just whether that is over the dinner or it is the vacation or it is the conversation or it is taking the quiz. The overriding thing, I think, is like someone wants to be desired. Somebody wants to be wanted. And so I think if you're if you're I mean, here I am acting like I know the answer to this. I'm just I just know human behavior pretty well. Right. And I know that it'd be pretty difficult to be intimate with somebody who you believe doesn't want you.

56:38Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Yeah. And so that's one of the, if you're going to start from some place today, you know, I would suggest starting there. And I would also tell you, you know, the reason I'm so glad we did this and I'm so glad you do what you do is I think there's two main like taboo topics in the world that if we talked about the more and shine light on them more often, that the world would just be a healthier, better place. And those two things are mental health, which is still this taboo thing. Like physical health isn't taboo. You get a knee injury, you go to a doctor and get it fixed.

57:06But mental health, which is what I try to do sometimes on the show. And the other one is sexual health. And when you don't address sexual health in a healthy way, it can become very unhealthy. And the things we've talked about, these addictions, the desensitivity issues, the lack of intimacy, the eroding of marriages and relationships, a lot of this has to do with poor sexual health. in people's lives. And so I think the work you do is like awesome. And listen, everybody, don't be so damn buttoned up. Give yourself the gift of listening to some of her stuff and exploring something. Oh, I'd never do that.

57:40Well, it's okay to at least let your mind go somewhere for a minute. Maybe it opens up another part of your mind that's more your jam. And so I think you're awesome, Emily. Thank you. I really do. You got me through this today. I feel like I don't have a lot of injuries. I don't think anybody's going to be really mad at me. No, I think it's really big. People really are probably inspired by you bringing this up. So I so appreciate being here. Really. Yeah. Smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ, which you did today for a lot of us, and your own pleasure, which really, really matters. And probably the pleasure of your partner at the same time.

58:14And then you got the Sex with Emily podcast. So I think you're awesome. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I hope everyone can, yeah, check out the book. I think I'm going to do this with you again because this wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be. There's so much more places to go. Thank you for having me. more places to go. You're fantastic. Thank you. All right, everybody, share this episode with anybody you know that needs some help in this area, which is everybody that you know. God bless you. Max out your life. This is the Ed Milet Show.