How Emotionally Strong People Handle Conflict

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1:49This is The Ed Myeret Show. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So I'm really excited about this week's episode. As you know, I don't post very often on social media anymore, but if you're not following me on Instagram, make sure you go ahead and do that. I did make a post a few weeks ago on my Instagram story about emotional maturity and how to deal with people that, for lack of a better term, get you all wound up. They get you angry or hurt, or they just create angst in your life. You probably have somebody like that in your life. They push your buttons, and maybe that person's very close to you, maybe really close to you.

2:23And so we're going to talk about that today. You know, life is supposed to be a joyous experience, at least most of the time. And you got to really evaluate your emotional maturity and how you deal with people that are emotionally immature, which I believe is a sign of weakness in people, hurt people, angry people. And we're going to talk about this today. Let me ask you a question. If you and I met or you met the person in your life who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, let's just say. But they said, well, here's the thing. We got to live in my house. And you go, okay. All right.

2:55They said, let me just tell you about my house. My house, regularly, there's snakes all over it. You got to avoid them. There's a fire that pops up in a room randomly every couple weeks. So there's fire in this house all the time. It rains in there. It gets really hot some days and other days it gets freezing cold. Sometimes it feels like you're in an earthquake. The whole house is shaking. You think it's going to come down all around you. Then there's other times in this house where it's like a tornado blows through it. You don't know where it came from, but it just hits the house and wrecks it.

3:27And we're going to live in that house the rest of our lives. So I know you love me, but you need to know the house we're going to live in. And it gets worse than that. From time to time, you don't even know what's going on. You can't read it at all. There's no detection. and out of the blue, another storm hits, another fire hits, another snake pops up. Then you walk into the wrong room and there's lions and tigers and bears that just attack you. And so it's coming from all angles a lot of the time. Would you rethink that relationship or whether you wanted to live in that house? Maybe you love the person, but you said the house part, that part I'm not buying into.

4:07Maybe it wasn't even a significant other, but it was just a great friend who said, when you come visit me, you won't know when, but when you come to my house, this is what takes place there. You'd probably rethink that friendship, wouldn't you? You would not accept those terms in a long-term relationship or in a friendship. Yet we do this all the time with the people around us. Let me say something to you. A truly emotionally mature person does not allow another human to pull them into their pit of anger, hurt, and angst. But people do it all the time. I want you to evaluate whether you're emotionally mature.

4:41I only know this is true because I've allowed this to happen to me far too many times where how somebody else acts pulls me into their pit of anger, fear, angst. Then you find yourself with these people. Because by the way, people, humans have an emotional home, don't they? I've talked about this in my book, The Power of One More. You have an emotional home as does every human being you meet. Your default Alt emotion is bliss, joy, ecstasy, passion, peace, laughter. If you're in those emotions, most of the time, there'll be times when you're not at home and you visit other places and you will feel anger or fear or sadness or scarcity.

5:24But everyone has an emotional home. and if you love somebody but their emotional home, in other words, the home they're going to have you live in with them because you live in that home with them, is anger, fear, anxiety, depression, frustration, angst, scarcity. You know what I'm talking about. You've chosen to live in that home with this person for the rest of your life. And an emotionally immature person allows, when someone goes to their home of anger, angst, and frustration, they go there with them. and they try to win a conversation. You ever be in a conversation with somebody where they get angry, so you get angrier.

6:00They put you down, so you come back with something about them. They bring up something from your past, so you bring up two things from their past. And it ends up being this emotional immaturity pit that you end up in. You know exactly what I'm talking about. That is no way to live your life. Yet so many times in our life, these people, this stimulus, if we're emotionally immature, we go there with them, with this immature person, and we end up being more immature than they are. And so if the quality of your life is in fact the quality of your emotions, this may be one of the most important episodes you ever listened to.

6:31I want you to begin to think about yourself and evaluate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity. I know I'm doing this as I speak to you. Remember, I only know this because I've allowed this to happen to me far too many times myself. So you gotta evaluate two things. A, your own responses when these people begin to behave this way, which is more often than not, isn't it, for some people? and B, their proximity to you and whether you really would live in that house if you knew that was the house, even if you like or love them. Because here's the truth. You choose your response, your reaction, or the lack thereof.

7:06You don't win by getting more angry, more reckless, and more out of control with somebody. That's a race to the bottom, and the loser is you. And so when you're dealing with somebody who on a regular basis, they pit up anger. They're passive aggressive with you. They're a victim. They start generating these emotions and you find yourself trying to win. I can be more angry. I can put you down more. And you think, well, no, I'm standing up for myself. No, you're not. You're being emotionally immature with a very emotionally immature person in your midst. Being more angry, mean, or threatening is not a sign of strength.

7:45It's a sign of fear and immaturity. A strong person, when someone is emotionally immature, somehow finds a way to stay in peace, to stay in bliss, to stay composed, to stay in God. Strength is resisting the desire to hurt them back. I really want to talk about this for a second because I know that when I was an emotionally a mature person, and I still can be, when someone would become angry with me, I would try to win that conversation and be more angry. If they hurt me, I wanted to hurt them back. But ask yourself a question. Is that mature? Is that good for your own emotional health? Is that good for your own well-being?

8:27Is that good for your own inflammation? These people inflame us, literally. They inflame us. And so I want you to evaluate something. I already know, by the way, you're thinking about that person who does it, aren't you? You got that person, you're thinking about their face, their name. They may be somebody you're married to that you date, maybe a good friend of yours, maybe a parent, maybe a sibling. If you're emotionally mature, when they get angry, you don't go there. You rise above, you disconnect, you become an observer of what's taking place. When they get loud, you get quiet. When they get mean, you get kind.

9:04When they get hurtful, you get loving. And these are a choice. These are choices that we make in our life. You're choosing to get angry with them. You're choosing to race them to the bottom of the emotional game. Nobody wins when you do it. Nobody feels better after. You know what it else is? It's spiritual immaturity. What if you would begin to act as God would want you to, not the enemy? Here's what I think if you believe in that which I do the enemy is the one going now you get more angry Now you put them down again. Now you bring up something from the past now you get immature now you be the victim Now you retaliate now you be passive-aggressive And all of a sudden you're in this out-of-control spiral and you got to ask yourself How many minutes of your life do you want to spend in this spiral of emotional immaturity?

9:52How much time do you want to live in your emotional home of angst anger frustration sadness? Anxiety You know what I mean? Like you get wound up about stuff in life. But what if you decided to start to act as God would want you to? What if you began to surrender winning the argument with this poor person? I've started to feel empathy for people in my life who are around me, friends or otherwise, who begin to behave in this way. And you get into patterns in your relationships with people that are so unhealthy, so dangerous. This could be at work. Maybe it's somebody at work that pushes your buttons.

10:27You know what I'm talking about, right? you are best to rise above, disengage, and act as God would want you to. If you believe in this, and I also believe in this, you stay at a high vibrational frequency when they start to go low. When they start to reduce the frequency of all these negative things and emotions and put downs or whatever they do to you, you stay in the high emotional frequency. By the way, nothing, nothing will frustrate them more than you doing that. Nothing frustrates an angry person more than when you come back with kindness. They're trying to pull you into this race to the bottom.

11:00And by the way, if they're naturally a little bit more of an angry or sad or victimized person than you are, they're better at it than you. Don't even try. They are professionals at being a victim. They are professionals at being sad. They are professionals at anxiety. They are professionals at retaliation. They are professionals at anger. And you dabble in it when you go into their house. Stay in your house. You choose your emotions. The quality of your life is the quality of your emotions, and too many of you are spending too many minutes and seconds of your life in emotions that you don't want to be in because you're emotionally immature still.

11:35If another human being can control you that easily, you need to look at you. This is your choice. I'm speaking to myself, by the way, okay? You need to look at you. This is not about them. They are clearly who they are. They are clearly in their emotional home. In fact, just for a second, when I say somebody who lives in an emotional home of being sad or a victim or angry, or there's somebody who takes a superior position and puts you down and tries to minimize you. Any of those things, who'd you just think of? Who'd you just think of? Work, family, friends. Okay. That's their home. You stay in yours.

12:12Okay. And when you begin to go into theirs, you lack maturity. It's a sign of spiritual immaturity. By the way, if you still get an adrenaline rush out of retaliation, you know, when you go back and forth with them and kind of get an adrenaline rush, ask yourself why that is. You know, the reason I put the podcast out today about this is I'm traveling a lot and I'm flying commercial when I fly now as a choice. And I just watch humans. we're so mean to each other we're so harsh we're so dismissive it's rare to meet a kind person it's rare to meet someone who's generous who cares it's not out to get it you know and i i'd like to just make a speck of sand in the beach of life by pushing back against that for a second and resisting it.

13:07You know, you don't have to be that way. You ever be on an airplane and watch when they say group two boarding and humans just rush and elbow people out of, it's just unbelievable. Or how they don't make eye contact when someone serves them. Or the arguments people get into. And these are strangers. Nevermind, you're having some of these same arguments with the person you say you love, who says they love you. Who's your sibling? Who's your parent? who's your girlfriend or boyfriend? At some point, you have to ask yourself, do I really want to live in this house the rest of my life? And you have two choices.

13:48A, don't ever go into that house with them again. Ever. You don't get more angry. You don't race them to the bottom. You don't put them down more. Or B, leave the house altogether. together. You only have so many minutes in your life. I think you were born to spend most of those minutes in bliss, most of those minutes in peace. And you know what sucks about having someone in your life like that? They will give you a few moments of bliss. You will get a few moments of peace. You will get a few moments of ecstasy and joy. And these same people that are so incredible at getting to create tremendous hurt and angst and disappointment, by contrast, they're typically the people that are best at giving us pleasure and joy and bliss.

14:29And so in these fleeting little five or 10 % of the moments that it's great, some of us have chosen, I'll take the 80 or 90 % of the time. That's not so good for these spikes of adrenaline I get when they're kind or nice. What's crazy though, is they're not any more kind or nice. It's the contrast because they most of the time aren't. And so in the few moments when they are, you're so grateful. It's almost like you're groveling for the kind them, the nice them, the at peace them, the not depress them, the one that's not angry, the one that's not superior putting us down. That's no way to live.

15:04That's not mature. That's not grown up. You were born to be in that environment. You weren't born to behave like that. And then they pull out this part of you that when you're done, you got an adrenaline rush and you're like, I don't feel better about myself after behaving like that. Yuck, I need to take a shower for how I talked or thought So please evaluate this And here's some powerful questions Is this choice and this behavior I'm now making with this person When I race them to the bottom Moving me closer to God or further away? In my faith as a Christian, is it closer to God or further away?

15:41If you happen to not be a Christian, is it higher frequency or lower frequency? And also, is this really making you closer to your other goals? You think getting into these fits of anger or frustration are getting you closer to your other goals, are making you a better human, are making you wealthier, are making you more productive, are helping you be more clear thinking, are contributing to your energy, are reducing the inflammation in your body and giving you more strength and power? Are you crazy? This is all kryptonite to Superman or Superwoman. Emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing your own emotions and recognizing those of others, how it impacts relationships, how it impacts communication and overall well -being.

16:26One thing to become is become an observer when this person begins to spiral and they show up as the angry them or the victim them or the frustrated them or the sad them or the woe is me them or the put you down them or the gossip them. Get away from it, above it, and observe it. Get quiet. Get still. What happens is they get us riled up, don't they?

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18:01A real key of mental weakness is the avoidance of discomfort. Mentally weak people avoid doing hard things. And let me tell you something. Not only is this person mentally weak, but the hard thing to do is to resist getting angry with them, is to resist putting them back down, is to play their game. That's the hard thing to do. So if you give into that every time, does that make you mentally weak or mentally strong? I would submit it makes me mentally weak when I do it. You are also mentally weak when you can't avoid doing the thing that you know is the most harmful. Now, by the way, mentally weak people avoid the avoidance of discomfort physically.

18:40They avoid it in exercise. They avoid it in emotional discomfort oftentimes. But more importantly, they refuse to have difficult conversations. See, at some point, once the emotions go away, you need to be able to step back with that person when they've calmed down and you've helped them calm down and say, this is not acceptable. I will not live like this. I won't join you in this home you live in. And I have empathy for the fact that you live in this home, but you're not pulling me in it anymore. This is not how I speak to people. It's not how I treat people. And it's certainly not how I'm going to be spoken to or treated.

19:13This is unacceptable. You do that after the emotions have calmed down. How do you know you're with somebody who might be emotionally weak or spiritually weak? They're a victim most of the time. Everyone's out to get them. Listen to their language. Are they a victim? Number two thing, I think they avoid doing difficult things, as I've said. Number three, they are unable to take feedback. Everything that is said to them as feedback is felt as criticism. They defend and defend and deflect. They defend and defend and defend. And then what happens is now you get mad and start doubling down and making it worse than it is with them.

19:54They're unable to take feedback. They also will do one thing where you say, well, can you please not do, they'll flip it back on you, but what about you? And they'll change the lens and put the camera on you to take it off of them. Who are these people really? They're God's children also. They're sad and scared people. Some of them appear on the outside very big and strong. They're scared. The flip side of anger is fear. People that try to make people feel sad are sad. We all know that hurt people end up hurting people. But remember this, what if you could not only rise above and not participate, but as you observe them, you almost, actually you do feel empathy as God would.

20:44This is no way to live. This is no way to behave. People who put other people down or gossip hate themselves. Did you know that? When they're putting you down or someone else or gossiping another person that is a form of self-hatred People who truly love themselves have no room in their heart their mind or their spirit to put down other people It's just not something that would come out of them when you live in an emotional home of peace and love You can't act out that way. But when you live in an emotional home of angst fear anchor lack scarcity low self-esteem you act out in these ways these folks are not comfortable in peace they become too familiar with stress and tension they are inflammation literally by definition these folks are inflammation in your life we always say that in our bodies really disease doesn't exist all the new data tells us the number one thing in a body that's the worst thing you can have for disease or in the future early death is inflammation in your body, everything from cancer to heart disease to aches and pains, inflammation.

21:59You want to rid the body of inflammation. Well, these people, when they behave this way, they try to inflame you and you automatically begin to play their game and you become inflamed. And by the way, you become emotionally inflamed. When you're emotionally inflamed, your body becomes inflamed. And so these folks are inflammation. You need to rid it from your life. You do not participate in it. These folks, Number one, they blame others. Number two, they look for external validation constantly. Let me say that to you. Number one, they blame other people. Nothing's their fault. Everything's a victim.

22:31Everything's coming at them. They blame others. Number two, they are always looking for external validation constantly. Listen to their language. So-and-so said this about me today. So-and-so said this. So-and-so said that. When they walk in, they're looking. They give you their resume. They got to look a certain way. They got to tell you their background. They got to tell you about their car, something they get validation for. I was smart. I was this in high school. They're looking for validation. Number three, they don't tell you the truth. Do you have anybody in your life that blames others?

23:00Evaluate this. Do you have anybody in your life that looks for external validation? You have that friend, by the way, who's constantly looking for validation from other people instead of from God, instead of from internally? Do you have that boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, boss, person at work? They look for external validation constantly. Third thing, they don't tell the truth. They don't tell the truth. They pervert and warp reality to make it bend their worldview, and then they don't tell the truth. Number four they choose what's easy over what's right How do you know this? It's easy to get angry.

23:38It's easy to blame. It's easy to put people down It's easy not to go to the gym. It's so somewhere in their life They choose the easy over what's right. What's right is to treat the people you love with kindness What's right is to be gentle and to protect strangers that you don't know what's right is to stand up for people Who are hurt? not to put people down and make them hurt. So they choose what's the easy thing. It's hard to stand up and say, don't do that. And to protect people, it's hard to keep your emotions under control when someone is spinning out of control, when they're hurting you not to hurt them back, when they're angry not to get the angry back.

24:17And number five, they're a victim. The victim mentality. Let me ask you a question. What's the emotional home that they live in most of the time. And do you really want to live in that house? Because you don't have to. Either A, you change the way you interact with them, which helps change them, or B, you move out of that house. You get distanced from that house. You deserve to live a life of emotional bliss and peace and abundance the majority of the time. Life's about duality. It's about contrast.

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