How to Build Unshakable Self Confidence From Scratch | Ed Mylett

24:45So it's interesting to me how people go, well, I have a lot of faith. I'm in the synagogue or the mosque or I'm at church on Sunday. But somehow Monday morning when business starts, I'm alone now. Right. You're alone now? You're not alone now. Your faith tells you and informs you otherwise. You start having a combination of anchors and triggers, keeping the promises you make to yourself, your intentions, your clarity, all these things we're talking about. And then you stack on top of that. I have a faith in something bigger than me that's with me all the time. I ought to have some boldness and confidence solely stemming from that.

25:18So, so many of you that have faith, why are you checking that at the door when it comes to your relationships, your body, your business, your money? That should be centerpiece of your self-confidence. Should be the most important piece of your self-confidence. And I know it is for you. I love it. My favorite words in my faith in terms of Christianity is, he precedes me. It's like, he precedes me like this. This is already worked out. Yes. Somebody already worked it out. Now, I need to find my way through. I need to figure out a way to win. I need to, you know, hopefully figure it out. But where it's going to go.

25:56I have trust. Since we're being completely real, you know, my people that see me speaks backstage like, so I saw you do your mood where you're snapping your fingers. But what's the last thing you'll see me do? I actually get on my knees and I pray very quickly because that's where my real confidence comes from. It's the it's, you know, here's what it's done for me. I've never said this to somebody and maybe you and I can kick this around the last few minutes. I think also we put a pressure on ourselves like, am I going to make the right decision or the wrong one? Am I going to say the right thing or the wrong thing?

26:28And I have found in my life, and I have this rooted in my belief system, that when I've come to a place where I have to yield or make a decision, I don't necessarily think most of the time. Now, there is right and wrong in life. We all know that. I'm not talking about ethics or morals. I'm not referring to that. I'm talking about if something goes one way or the other. I've really built this belief system that I'll make either one work. So if I decide this way and I might be wrong, I'll find a way to make that work. And if I go that way and I was going to be right, I'll make that one work. There's this notion that's sort of put into us when we're children like good or bad, right or wrong.

27:06And we start feeling this pressure like, what if I don't say the right thing? What if I don't do the right thing? The truth is in life, most of the time, that path, that journey, both can lead to bliss. Both can lead to success. It might be a different path. It might not be to your point on your schedule. It might be on God's schedule. And if you have a God that's a pro that created the entire universe, you're probably going to be okay no matter which turn you take. and that gives you a confidence to go, I'm gonna call the shot with the most information, with the best of my ability, but I'm gonna make either one of these work.

27:41That's real confidence. Oh, I love it. I'm gonna make either one of these works because the truth is, whichever one you take, path A or B, turns out good or bad, most people go, well, one's gonna be good and one's gonna be catastrophic and it's gonna be terrible. And I go, well, the truth is right or wrong, the next step actually is exactly the same. If you fail, the next step demands that you summon the best of who you are to handle it. If you win, guess what? The next step is going to demand that you summon the best of who you are no matter what. So I always tell people, you want confidence?

28:16It's easy. Know your job. You have one job every day. Summon the best of who you are to really work life and at the same time trust life or God, I think is one of the ultimate secrets of the most successful people I've ever met. I a million percent agree. And I think actually today's conversation is sort of evidence of everything we've said. We both set out with an intention to serve today. There's been this incredible rhythm between the different things that we've, you know, said here together. And if I'd add one last thing to it, it's also that you could take on an identity of yourself too, which is that I'm kind of a learner.

28:52Like I'm curious. I was curious where this was going to go today. And I learned. And when I come to these decisions or these experiences I'm going to have, you know, at a minimum, I'm going to learn something about myself, about how to do it better. You know, even with an athlete, I keep going back to these examples, but like, I'll tell them that at bat, yeah, you ground it out, but you learned this guy's curve ball does this. You look, so the next at bat, you're more prepared for what he's going to bring to you. This notion of I'm learning. I don't know, for me, it reduces the pressure. It increases the curiosity.

29:28And it also, I'm almost always winning if I'm learning. Yes, I'm almost always winning if I'm learning. And so I've sort of adopted in my life this notion that I'm curious, and I'm going to learn, it's going to be an experience I'm going to learn. I found that I actually produced the outcome that I actually had on my board, to your point for clarity, far more regularly, when I'm not so addicted to the outcome and everything I want to do, because addiction to outcome can rob you of confidence. But when I am committed to the process that you've described earlier, and also this notion that I'm going to gather a better me at the other side of this, because I will have learned something about me, the circumstances, the environment, how to do it better the next time, whatever that might be.

30:11I get a lot of confidence when I approach things that way. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Now on to our next guest. Welcome back to the program, everybody. I have such a remarkable woman on my show today. I've been a fan of hers from a distance for a long time. We have a bunch of mutual friends who rave about her. I knew her story. You're going to hear it today. You're going to hear about her new book, Believe It, which is awesome. But you're just going to be so inspired.

30:45And why? Well, she used to work at Denny's, which I love. She also bagged groceries at Safeway, which I did. And so that's why I'm having her on the show. No, I'm just kidding. After she did all that, she went and built a cosmetics company that she sold for a billion, two hundred million dollars. That's all she did. She's just changed thousands of people's lives with her products after working at a swap meet, after bagging groceries at Safeway. And by the way, she's on Forbes list every year of America's most rich, successful women. And she's the youngest on that list. She's ranked the youngest by only two people.

31:24some lady named Taylor Swift, another one named Beyonce, and then my guest today, Jamie Kern Lima. So thank you for being here today. So glad you're here. Thank you so much. I'm so excited. So everyone listens so closely to this woman who sold her company for a billion dollars plus. So here we go. Take us to the moment. So yeah, one of the big, and one of the biggest lessons in my whole life came down to this, this moment where we finally got a shot on QVC, right? And so, We had heard no from them for a couple of years. And even Ed, I got their head guy named Alan Burke, who built this billion-dollar division in QVC of Beauty.

32:02And he's a legend, like an icon. After two years of no's from them, I finally got him on the phone. And I thought, oh, my gosh, if he's giving me a few seconds of his time, this is good. It's going to be a yes, finally. And I'll never forget, on the phone, he says to me, we've reviewed your products with our whole buying team. And it's unanimous. you're not the right fit for QVC or for our customers. And so instantly I go into like, oh, but I am the right fit. Let me tell you why. And I start like pouring, like pitching my heart out. Right. And he thanked me, thanked me for loving QVC and it was a no.

32:35So that was like one of the most memorable nights because I spent, I don't know if you've ever had, you know, bad news in business or something like that. And you wake up the next morning and you're like, oh, fuck, Like you hoped it was a dream and it wasn't, right? It was like that for three days in a row. I just knew in my gut we're supposed to be on QVC. And I knew for years because I thought, Ed, oh my gosh, I can go live. And unlike all those ads I've seen my whole life that I don't even know if they're real. Like, let me show real women. Like my mom and my friends and my, like, let me show real women.

33:10And I believed it. And yet everyone kept telling me no. and finally to get Alan Burke on the phone and hear, literally, I'm not the right fit. When you hear those words, it sucks, right? And by the way, like anyone who's ever been told they're not enough and is tempted to believe it is why I wrote this book. Because there's a lot of people that work really, really hard. And there's a lot of people that still don't quit. They keep going. But like making that decision to believe that you can and that your dream's possible, for me, that's huge. And I just like made the decision to believe it. And I kept, and every time I got rejected, whether it was from Allen Burke at QVC or any of the retailers for year after year after year, like I would still approach them as if it was going to be a yes and send them sales updates and send them product launches.

33:58And they're like, who the F is? And I'd keep like, I just made that decision. So three years into this, we finally got this yes on QVC. And what happened with this yes and this one shot is literally one of the single greatest lessons I've ever learned in life and in business. So, you know. Guys, I got to tell you about Chime. And let me tell you why. Chime is changing the way people bank. They offer the most rewarding fee-free banking. They're not like traditional banks that charge you overdraft and monthly fees. They have thousands of free ATMs. So why do we pay to get our own money? It's insane.

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36:13What this meant was we had one chance to sell our product in this 10-minute window live on QVC. And, you know, for anyone unfamiliar with QVC who might be listening, it's a live television show and it's broadcast to 100 million homes. There's no script, no teleprompter. And what I learned, Ed, right before I went on is that you're given 10 minutes in the case of the segment I got, but that's not a guarantee, right? If you go live and let's say a minute or two in, you're not hitting the sales goals, your clock cuts live. So you might be a minute or two in thinking you have eight minutes left and you're not doing well.

36:52Boom, you're down to one minute. And you know, you can calculate in your head how much money you just lost and what that means. So we get one shot, we get a yes. And this is like huge, right? Because I knew, I knew in my gut, like this is supposed to happen. And I'm going to show real women live. I'm going to shift culture and beauty. Like I knew it. And here's what happened. And we got a purchase order and I quickly learned, oh, we were only selling two to three orders a day on our website, right? Packing them from our living room, just trying to survive down to no money. Well, for a 10 minute window at QVC, we had to sell over 6 ,000 units of our concealer to hit their sales goal or not come back and their consignment in beauty.

37:36So what it meant was if we didn't hit those numbers, we didn't sell in that 10 minute window. Everything that we didn't sell got shipped back to us and we weren't paid for it. So, and you know, you should never accept a purchase order. You can't afford to lose. But in this case, it was like, we didn't know how we're going to make it either way. So I thought, okay, this is our one shot. This is going to like be life-changing, right? So we hired these third-party consultants that are amazing and they're experts and they help a lot of people sell on television and in retail. stores. And, you know, we worked with them on, okay, how do we produce our 10 minute window?

38:10And, and the craziest thing happened, right? When, when we know what we stand for, and we think that we're going to stand for it when it comes down to everything on the line, but then someone else tells you that that's not going to work. It's really hard not to question our own values and not to question our own intuition. These experts told me, you know, in order to succeed, here's what you need to do. You need to use this type of model. And it was the perfect flawless skin, the models I'd always seen in TV ads. And I would say to them like, well, but that's actually not why I created this brand.

38:49And I would tell them, you know, imagine if you're 70 years old sitting at home and you see someone you can't even relate to that doesn't look like you, how do you know the product's going to work for you. Or, you know, I have rosacea or 70 % of people have hyperpigmentation. If they don't see someone that looks like them and we would get into it and argue and fight and they wanted, they wanted me to win. Like, but they were literally giving me the very best advice through the lens of their own experience. And the thing, the thing that I wish I knew, that I know now, but this would have saved me so many nights crying myself to sleep, is sometimes even experts, even the people that are touted visionaries, right?

39:31And they really are, and they would never admit this, but they still often can't imagine in their subconscious something succeeding if they haven't seen proof that it has before, right? And that would have made the rejection sting a lot less because if you're doing anything authentically, anything that hasn't been done before anything differently people often can't even imagine it succeeding because of their own right and so all of them told me to do it and they're like listen and we would fight we got into it and they're like we want you to win so I was in this moment where I flew out to QVC in Pennsylvania a week early before this one shot on live TV to either you know, hit their sales goals or basically go out of business.

40:18And I went all alone and sat in this rental car in the QVC parking lot because it literally felt so heavy. Like I knew what my gut was telling me to do, but in that moment, I hadn't seen any proof that it was right. No proof in the form of sales anywhere. I mean, we're doing two to three orders a day for three years in, uh, No other retailer saying yes. Everyone telling me you're not this enough or that enough. But those moments in life where we still have that knowing, it's so easy to doubt it. And it's so easy to think we're wrong and to not trust it anymore. And I sat in this rental car praying and crying and literally asking God to take this from me because it felt so heavy.

41:06I felt like everything came down to this moment. Honestly, I was tempted to go against my own gut. I was like, okay, well maybe if I listen to what they're saying, right? Yeah. Like maybe I'll, I'll do that and I'll do really well for a while. Then I'll try it my way. And I just sat in that car and it didn't feel right. And I just kept praying about it. And I would imagine like who my customer was on the other end. And for some reason, I don't know why I kept imagining, um, the single mom in Nebraska who was like folding laundry and way too busy to remember that she mattered and that she's beautiful.

41:41And I just had this moment, I'll never forget the rest of my life in that car, that rental car, where I was like, it was just like, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, you know what, I would rather go on live television. I would, if she's going to give me two seconds of her precious time and look up at her TV screen, like I would rather her see me up there showing real women who look like her calling them beautiful and meaning it and have her buy nothing. I'd rather do that than, than sell a shitload of product and like stand for nothing. So I knew what I had to do, but sometimes when we know what we have to do, it doesn't mean it's easy to do it.

42:19And honestly, like I was, I was freaking out. I was so prepared. I had this demonstration on my wrist. I was going to do that shows how our product doesn't crease in the top two department store ones do. And I get to the live studio. I walk in, we have our 10 minutes. And I go out there on the set live with the host. And I'll never forget, Ed, the clock was like, is it 10 minutes? And it's like, 9.59, 9.58. Like, shit, like, I'm on live. Like, this is happening, right? And I was trying to, and I felt literally sweat all the way dripping down everywhere. I don't want to talk about that. I was free.

42:52And I'm not nervous for television, but everything was on the line. And I was trying to do this demonstration. I had practiced a million times in my bathroom mirror and my hand was like this. And I was trying so hard to do it. And the host was like, thank you, sugar. And she pushed it under. And we, I remember the moment, my bare face, bright red rosacea came up on national television. Right. And I remember walking over to these real women and calling them beautiful and meeting it. And there was about like one minute left in the cell and in the, in the 10 minute segment. And the host was like, the deep shade is almost sold out.

43:28The tan shade, we're down to 200. I was like, and then I remember literally right at the 10 minute mark, the sold out sign came up diagonal, like across the screen and tears like start streaming down my face. And I remember my husband, Paula, he came rushing through the double doors and I'm like sobbing and I'm like, real women have spoken. And he's like, we're not going bankrupt. And I was like, ah, and that one airing turned into five that year, 101 the next year. And then we did 250 live shows a year. So I've done over a thousand live shows myself on, on QVC. And we grew the largest beauty brand in QVC's history.

44:06And it is right now at this moment to this day. And I only share that because it was three years, right, of them saying no, and you're not the right fit. And no one can tell you, you're not the right fit. You know what I mean? And sometimes I feel like we hear those, every one of us has heard that in some form or another, that you're not the right fit, or you're not enough. And I feel like those aren't the moments where you give up. Those are the moments like you get back up. And with God and grace and grit, like you keep hustling and you keep going and you keep following your knowing. And one more little thing to share with you just on the topic of Full Circle Moments, Alan Burke, who's the head, like legend.

44:52After we launched on QVC, right, he's the one that said no and was crying myself to sleep three nights in a row. And he told me I'm not the right fit for QVC, all that kind of stuff. After we launched on QVC, I ended up getting to know him really well. And he became not only a dear friend, but literally one of my greatest mentors in my entire career. He is right now to this day, one of my greatest mentors. And, you know, he's the one that built that billion dollar beauty, multi-billion dollar empire at QVC for beauty. When he retired from QVC, we hired him in a paid position on our advisory board.

45:27So Ed, the guy that rejected me was now working for me. Like no one can tell you you're not the right fit. Right. And so anyways, you're amazing. You guys listen to me on this. I went and I got to sit up. I love you. It's one of the great stories of all time told by the person still living it. Why do you need to get the book? I'm not selling the book guys. I'm just telling you, why do you want to get the book? Why do you want to follow Jamie? Cause she really did it. Do you know how rare it is in the business entrepreneur self-help space that it's not someone theorizing about things they think would probably work, but they've never applied.

46:03She did this. So what's in this book is gold. You don't have a lot of people on earth who have done what she's done. And then even fewer are like, and let me teach you how I did it and how I think. It's very rare. And it's why today's such a gift to be doing the show with you. I have to just tell you, it's interesting because we've met a couple of times in green rooms or backstage and different things. And And just so you know, Jamie is so kind and has so much humility. And you can't find anyone anywhere who has a bad word to say about her. She's just a beautiful spirit. And so I knew the story a little bit.

46:35And then I knew you're going to be on the show. So I was prepping. I already know the work that went in. And I know the result. But I went and watched the clip when you showed your rosacea, right? And I found myself, even though I know what happens, I was like, got butterflies in my stomach for you now, even though it's years later. I'm kind of saying quiet prayers for you. And I already know that you won. But it's such a poignant moment to go through all of that rejection. And I think you're giving so many people hope that you stuck to your guns about your beliefs as well. Very short intermission here, folks.

47:08I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. If you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow The Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Today we're going to talk about how to build unlimited self-confidence. And the reason that I'm covering this topic today is probably more than any other topic I've been getting asked lately about the struggles people are going through with self-doubt, not believing in themselves, negative thoughts about themselves. And I believe the solution to self-doubt is to build something bigger than that doubt, which is to build our self-confidence.

47:42And one thing to know about the fact that you doubt yourself is, one, I struggle with it as well. One of the reasons I've had to go learn to build all these tools for myself is because in my life, my baseball career, my academic career, my business career, my speaking career, I've been riddled with self-doubt. That creeps up all the time in our lives. Am I enough? Am I good enough? Do I deserve this? Is this something that's part of my destiny? Should I be doing this? And if you're a religious person, I believe the adversary, if you believe in the adversary, I believe the adversary's greatest tool that he could use against you to get you to lose in your life is to get you discouraged and doubting.

48:19These are two of the most chaotic things that the adversary can do to us or that we do to ourselves in our own minds is to get ourselves doubting, to get ourselves discouraged because you can't win when you doubt and you can't win when you're discouraged. What I found out though about self-doubt is that you don't overcome it. You build something bigger than it, which means you build your self-confidence. And the greater and greater your self-confidence gets, it minimizes the impact self-doubt has on us. Now, why is that so important? It's important because you have to understand one thing about the doubts and the negative thoughts you have about yourself.

48:53As hard as this is to accept, these are not your thoughts. You weren't born doubting. You weren't born discouraged. You weren't born thinking negative things about yourself. Those were thoughts that were placed in you and given to you by an external source at some time in your life It could even be our parents. Don't do that. Be quiet. Sit down. Be a good boy. Be a good girl Maybe it was criticism you received as a as a little one that you may not even remember to this day It could have been a school teacher could have been ridicule at school from other children But when you were young in your formative years these negative thoughts about yourself were planted in you by an external source That's so powerful to understand because these things you think you believe about yourself that have become really true to you You don't even really believe they were not your original thoughts But the power of belief is so incredible in our lives It's so insidious because when we have a belief about something even if it was given to us by somebody else Our mind goes to work on proving to us that this belief is true A belief is almost like this table right here Just the top once we get it and what our mind tries to do is it tries to build legs under the table to reinforce that belief So somebody told you you weren't enough or you weren't smart enough or pretty enough or fast enough or strong enough Or you don't come from the right place or you're not in the right culture the right race the right religion the right height The right IQ as a young person or you were put down and these beliefs were given to you What happens is your mind tries to prove beliefs true so it finds references So once you think it your mind finds an example of your life where you weren't enough another one where you weren't enough You weren't smart enough.

50:33You weren't pretty enough. You weren't handsome enough You weren't strong enough and it finds these references and it builds like a leg and Multiple legs on her table and pretty soon you can't move it and it's stuck in there as a firm belief That's why we have to guard our beliefs so preciously because our mind goes to work on finding these legs these references which are real experiences in our life to prove to us that that belief is true. And so although you may believe it to be true about you, these doubts and negative thoughts you have, these were not your original thoughts. That's a powerful thing to understand because you weren't born this way.

51:08You weren't born doubting. You were born perfect. You were born believing you were going to do something great. You were born happy. You were born believing you were going to do something special with your life. As a baby, I promise you, you had no negative self-talk. You had no negative self-doubt. These are external sources. So important to know because those thoughts aren't really who you are. They're somebody else's thoughts they gave you because of how they felt about themselves. And so today we're going to talk about how to build self-confidence and how to eliminate self-doubt. So how do we build this self-confidence?

51:40The process of building self-confidence is actually very easy, believe it or not. Self-confidence is self-trust. Self-confidence is building a reputation with yourself that you keep your word to you, that you keep the promises you make to you. When I meet somebody who has a ton of self-confidence, I don't look at that as somebody with a big ego. There's a difference. Somebody with self-confidence has a reputation with themselves that I do the things I say I'm going to do. That's where self-confidence comes from. When I meet someone who's not self-confident, I know this is someone who has consistently made promises to themselves they've not kept.

52:14They've started a diet and done it for a while, but not kept it. They've made a commitment and goals to go make a certain amount of money and business and they started down the road but then they didn't deliver on it long term to get up at a certain time of the morning and then they don't do it and so they have a process and a habit in their life more often than not of not keeping the promises they don't make to other people they don't keep the promises they make to themselves and so the cool thing is self-confidence is an internal game you do not need external accolades external admiration in order to build self-confidence you don't need any of those external forces it's all done internally you control this and you control this by beginning today to keep the promises you make to yourself and you have to stack the deck in your favor stack the game so you win it's not good enough just to keep the promises you make to yourself you must acknowledge it when you do it to you to give yourself credit to create confidence momentum is what I call it so whether that's setting the deck where you're going to get up a little bit earlier you're going to make a certain amount of phone calls your business a certain amount of appointments you're going to eat a certain amount of calories in your fitness you're going to spend a certain amount of time with your children or your parents and you begin to do these things you say you're going to do.

53:22You say simple things like, I'm going to lay out my clothes the night before I go to bed every night before I go to sleep so when I wake up that decision is made for me. And believe it or not, the fact that you just do something that simple that you then deliver on begins to build confidence. You say, I'm going to stretch in the morning when I get up and you do it all of a sudden. I'm not going to check my phone for 30 minutes. all these habits I teach. When you just begin to do the things you tell yourself you're going to do, you begin to build self-confidence, which is this reputation with yourself.

53:53So ask yourself a question right now. What is one thing right now, one promise I can make to myself that I'm going to begin to keep starting this minute and begin to do it? It could be how often I'm going to pick up a book and read it. But you begin to stack things you commit to do, and then you deliver on them and you acknowledge them to yourself. You're in the process of building self-confidence. Why is that so important? Of all the athletes I coach, when my athletes are performing at their peak level, they're at their highest self-confidence level. In fact, I love when I watch some of the athletes I coach get interviewed and they kind of do this aw shucks humble routine in their post-game interviews.

54:30Yeah, you know, just part of the team, you know, I got a lot, I could have done a lot better today. But inside, I know these people are incredibly self-confident people. Any of you athletes listening to this, you know this, the great Great athletes you know have incredible amounts of self-confidence. You have to believe in you when it's a battle, when you're a hitter against a pitcher, or when you're a quarterback against a defense, or you're a defenseman in the NHL against their best offensive player, or you're a golfer and you have to make a nine-foot putt to win a tournament, right? You better have self-confidence.

54:57In fact, the separator, more often than not at the highest level in sports, is not they're a better shooter or a better putter or throw the ball a little bit faster because everybody throws hard in the major leagues nowadays it seems, right? That separators their self-confidence. It's true in being a parent. It's true in being a business person. It's true in every area of our life. The separator at the top levels is self-confidence. So now you have that first thing that you're going to commit to that you're going to deliver on. Now what I would ask you to do that now that you've done that is if you really want to build self-confidence, can you begin to extend that list of five, eight, and ten things that you are going to begin to do that you commit to you that you're going to do every single day to begin to stock that self-confidence.

55:39That's going to change it. Now let's go back to the self-doubt for a second. Self-doubt is the inverse of that. I don't trust me. I don't think I'm good enough. These are thoughts placed from the outside inside your mind. The minute you acknowledge that, that's not my thought, that's someone else's. That's not, you begin to eliminate. I call it like scratching the CD. When I begin to have negative self-talk, negative thoughts, I literally picture, and I'm old by the way, but I picture an old record player or a DVD and I just scratch it. I scratch it. That thought gets scratched. I'm not good enough.

56:08I'm not smart enough. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not fast enough, strong enough. I'm not prepared enough. Once they enter, that's not my thought. That's something someone gave me when I was a kid and I scratch it. And I literally say to myself, scratch it, scratch it, scratch it. And over time, it's like a DVD or a CD or a record player. over time, that thought can't be played again in your recorder when you scratch it enough times. So I literally picture scratching and I say, scratch it. I experienced self-doubt. I experienced negative thoughts and I scratch them. I scratch them. I scratch them.

56:38And over time, it almost becomes funny. It's that thoughts impact on me starts to be minimized over time. Every time I scratch it, I picture scratching it like a DVD or a record or a CD. And I say it to myself, scratch it scratch it scratch it and it what it does is it acknowledges the thought it loses its power over me the first time it's still got some impact on me the second time it might but the fourth fifth seventh time all of a sudden that thought just doesn't have the impact on me anymore because I acknowledge it's not mine I've scratched it and over time my mind just doesn't want to play that song anymore doesn't want to play that movie anymore and so that's how I begin to eliminate those thoughts in my mind I build up my self-confidence and I scratch my self-doubt.

57:22There's also this misconception from people that you are certain things, meaning some people have this misconception that I am what I possess. In other words, I am my possessions. And so they link their self-confidence to their possessions. And so they're constantly trying to acquire more and more possessions, thinking that's where they get their self-confidence from. That's how they're defined as a person. I am my possessions. Couldn't be further from the truth. It's a hollow way to try to gain self-confidence by possessing things. Nothing wrong with going for material possessions. I have all kinds of them, but I don't link my confidence to those possessions, nor am I deluded into thinking if I could just possess more things, then I'll feel better about myself.

58:07So this is a mistake. There's a flawed thought. Number one flawed thought, I am my possessions. Second flawed thought, I am my accomplishments. In other words, my self-confidence is only linked to what I'll accomplish. so because I haven't accomplished certain things I don't have that certain title that certain award that certain recognition I don't believe in myself I'm riddled with self-doubt I'm defined by my accomplishments the difficult thing about that is now all your life you're gonna have to accomplish more and more and more in order to feel self-confident eliminate self-doubt you are not your accomplishments you are not your possessions you are you you are perfect you are beautiful you You were born to do something great with your life.

58:47If you're a person of faith like me, you believe God made you in his image and likeness and wants you to do something great with your life, not that you are your possessions, not that you are your accomplishments. And this is the social media insidious influence it has in our lives. People are like, I don't feel good about myself. I've got this self-doubt. The gateway to me feeling more self-confidence is if I could possess more things or if I could accomplish more things. Yes, having nice things will make you feel better about yourself. Yes, accomplishing things certainly is a reinforcement for self-confidence, but it's not the pathway to getting it.

59:21The pathway to getting it is doing something great with your life where you keep the promises you make to yourself and acknowledge this self-doubt, this self-thought, this negative talk isn't even mine. It was given to me when it was impossible for me to defend myself as a child. And maybe it even happened in adolescence and probably some of those instances have happened for you as an adult. and these ones as an adult are like that thing I said earlier, oh it's another time I reinforced the table, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not prepared enough, I'm not the right race, I'm not the right gender, I don't come from the right kind of family, I don't have the right education and we find these references as adults to reinforce these self-doubting beliefs we were given by somebody else as a child.

1:00:04Flawed belief is that you are your possessions, you are your accomplishments. Third flawed belief. I am what other people say I am. Wrong. You are not what other people say you are, good or bad. I see too many people that if someone says something negative about them, they believe that's who they are. This is the flawed third belief. I am my possessions. I am my accomplishments. And you know what? Or I am what other people say I am. Let me be clear with you. You are not what other people tell you you are. It wasn't true when you You are 18 months old, five years old, or 55 years old. You are not what other people say you are.

1:00:41So stop letting that dictate your self-confidence or fill you with self-doubt. And for the record, you are also not the good things people tell you you are all the time. Don't live for likes. Don't live for comments on your social media. Don't do things in your life just to solicit someone saying something great about you. It's a cheap, shallow, hollow way to try to gain self-esteem and self-confidence. It's fleeting, it's short-term, and it's needy. In fact, the fact that it is a necessity for you to get liked, to get people to say good things, to get comments on your social media, or to do so in your presence, indicates a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, because we know self-confidence is an internal game where we keep the promises we make to ourselves.

1:01:31The fourth type of flawed thinking is I am what I look like. In other words, if I don't look a certain way, like what the magazine says I should, or social media says I should, if I don't look like these people, I shouldn't have self-confidence. And that's ridiculous. I can tell you straightforwardly, you're beautiful as you are, especially the ladies listening to this or watching this. The world is constantly trying to get you to believe you're not enough, you don't look right, you should lose this weight, you should gain this, this should be smaller, that should be bigger, whatever it might be.

1:02:02They're constantly messaging women. You're not enough. You're not enough. You're not enough You are what you look like and this is true for men as well Let me tell you straightforward that you are not what you look like you are your soul. You are your spirit. You are your gifts You are the contributions you make you are your intentions You are perfect as you are that doesn't mean we don't want to look better doesn't mean we don't want to get into shape But we want to do that to feel better about ourselves Not for the accolades from other people who want to do that to feel healthier and stronger and be the ultimate version of ourselves.

1:02:33But by no means does that mean you're not perfect as you are. By no means does it mean you are defined by what you look like. You are not defined by what you look like. You are defined by the content of your character, the way you treat other people, and the difference you make in the world. So the four flawed thoughts that I see most right now is, I am my possessions. No, you're not. I am my accomplishments. No, you're not. I am what other people tell me I am and say I am, good or bad. No, you are not. and fourth, you are not what you look like. These are flawed beliefs that lead right to self-doubt and away from self-confidence.

1:03:07So the things we need to do to change our self-confidence is A, keep the promises we make to ourself and B, very important, we must begin to give ourselves credit for those things when we deliver on them. I want you to remember this as well. There's a power to the way we use the two Bs, our brain and our body. See, self-confidence can also be a state, a physical state. It's very difficult when you're moving your body. sitting up straight, breathing deeply, right? You're in that physical strong state of being, right? Right after a workout, during a workout is when we feel our most confident because our body's at a peak state.

1:03:39One way to generate self-confidence is to move your body into a strong state of being. Move your body. Literally movement creates confidence. If you think about some of the peak times of your life, whether that be the fun time you may be having with your partner physically, intimately, or laughter, or peak performance running, right? Or your great accomplishments. Yes! There's a commonality to the way our body is moving at that time. If you think about the times when you're the least confident, it's usually when you wake up in the morning, isn't it? It's the most down, the most fearful, the most anxiety, or before you go to bed at night.

1:04:13These are two times most people experience the most amount of self-doubt is right before bed and right when they wake up. Isn't that interesting? One of the reasons is because of how we're moving. we're laying down we're hunched over our breathing is shallow there's no physical movement whatsoever this creates a state of self-doubt right before we sleep right when we wake up or if you're just kind of depressed or sick self-doubt starts to kick in doesn't it right if you ever had an injury and you couldn't move like you'd like to that stagnation of the body begins to create self-doubt and strips us of our self-confidence so moving our body is a gateway to self-confidence and then our brain as well.

1:04:51We have to take control of our thoughts. We have to scratch the negative ones when they come in and replace them with great ones. Now, I don't believe self-talk works all the time, but I believe saying I am strong. I am good. I intend. I'm a good man. My intentions are pure. I'm a good person. I make a difference in the world. I'm kind. I'm gentle. I'm generous. I'm strong. I'm faithful. Beginning to repeat these thoughts to myself and these words do generate self-confidence. I keep the promises I make to myself. I'm a man of my word. Begin to talk to yourself and think these thoughts. When you combine your brain and your body, you scratch the self-doubt.

1:05:28You lose those four stupid beliefs. I am my accomplishments. I am my possessions. I am what other people say I am, or I am what I look like. These are completely flawed beliefs. We scratch those. We scratch them. We understand the process of stacking self-confidence in our life. We know we are the content of our character. And lastly, give yourself some credit. Will you please? And I'm going to tell you where to give yourself credit. And that is in the area of your intentions. A lot of my confidence comes from the fact that I keep the promises I make to myself. I know my self-doubt or thoughts that were given to me when I couldn't even defend myself as a young little boy.

1:06:05I know that I'm not my accomplishments. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not what I look like. And I know I'm not what other people say I am. I understand the process of building self-confidence. I scratch the negative thoughts in my life. But I can tell you this, the last place I get my confidence from is my faith and my intentions. See, I know I intend to do good. Not enough of you are giving yourself credit for your inherent goodness. And I mean this. You're special in that regard. You're perfect in that regard. Just ask yourself, what are your intentions? As an individual, as a man or a woman, do you intend to do good in the world?

1:06:42Do you intend to want to help people? Do you intend to be a light in people's lives? Do you intend to make a difference? Do you want to live a good life where you've helped change the world and change other people's lives? Have you ever just asked yourself that? Do you? Because if the answer to that is, you know, I don't spend enough time thinking about how good my intentions are. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to do bad things. I don't want to take advantage of others. I really intend to do good. You know what you need to give yourself more credit for the power of your intentions There's a power in life of giving ourself credit just for the intentions we have Just ask yourself that there's two types of people in life There's the people who intend to do harm to take advantage of people to cheat to cut corners To cause hurt to others for what they think will be their own game Then there's people who want to be a light they want to make a difference They want to help they want to contribute they want to be somebody they want to honor their God They want to make a difference in the world and their intentions are good Too often in life people with great intentions don't give themselves credit for how beautiful and wonderful those intentions are And so today just take this inventory of all the things that are wonderful about your intentions And then just take an inventory of your faith as a person of faith.

1:08:03I know that I'm favored I know that God wants me to do good in the world. I know that I was made as image and likeness There's a power to that. There's a comfort to that. There's a confidence that comes from that kind of a swagger See people aren't smirking at me anymore. I'm smirking at them See, I know I'm not what I look like. I know I'm not my possessions. I know I'm not my accomplishments I'm not what other people say I am I understand the keys of keeping the promises I make to myself I understand scratching those limiting beliefs. I know I intend to do good. I don't always do good. I make mistakes all the time I'm not a deity.

1:08:40I'm not a god. I'm a man But I intend to do good and my guess is so do you Start to give yourself a little credit just for your intentions Know you're perfect as you are and then begin to take these massive action steps The final piece of the puzzle is this is that you have to believe you deserve to win and And sometimes it's not just that we think we're good, but that we've done so much, we must be worthy of winning. See there's this adage in life, good people in life won't take more from the table of life than they think they're worthy of and they deserve. See in business sometimes, short term, we've all seen this, someone with bad intentions can get ahead short term.

1:09:20But you always reap what you sow, karma is always a real thing, and eventually the people that take shortcuts, that cheat, that hurt other people, that have ill intent. the world the universe god sort of finds a way eventually to get them where they're supposed to be but good people will never take more than they think they're worth which is why the mandatory requirement for good people to win is they believe they deserve it they believe they're worth winning and sometimes it's not just who we are that we need to believe in but what we've done in this sense that sometimes you've got to outwork everybody and you've got to be willing to do the things nobody else is willing to do so you begin to convince yourself man I'm doing all the things everybody else is unwilling to do so I deserve to get the results other people aren't going to get I'm doing the things other people aren't willing to do I'm paying a price that's so much greater than other people that I'm worth it that I deserve to get results they don't deserve to get because I've been willing to do the things they've been unwilling to do so the last piece is often self-confidence can just frankly come from outworking everybody and convincing ourself, man, I've been doing the things nobody else is willing to do.

1:10:31I deserve to get the results nobody else deserves to get. And that's a shift in building self-confidence. Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. All right, welcome back to Max Out, everybody. My guest today does not really need an introduction, but I'll give him a brief one because his content's so good, I wanna get right to it. But I think he's probably the biggest real estate brand in the world.

1:11:03He's the CEO, star of Bravo's Million Dollar Listing in New York. If you don't know his name, you know his face. If you're listening on audio, you'll know right away who he is. But he's got a book out that I believe in, that I really believe in the premise of the book. I didn't need to be sold, even when I saw the title. It's called Big Money Energy. We're going to talk a lot about business, life, COVID, the whole deal with a guy who's just, he's just done some remarkable things the last 10 years with his life. So Ryan Serhant, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me, man.

1:11:34I really appreciate it. It was awesome. Yeah, you're doing so well. I'm proud of you from a distance. Laguna Beach sounds nice right now, man. New York is a little bit cold. A little cold, a little snowy. It's pretty beautiful here right now. I could, I'm not, it's a zoom. So I won't show you what I'm wearing below the waist, but it's, it's not a lot. At least you're wearing something, you know, really nicely tanned. I haven't had a tan in years. Yeah. But you're, you know, you're so damn handsome. It's frustrating. That's why we're doing a split screen. They'll throw an extra filter on me. I'm not worried about it.

1:12:09They'll do something good. But I got to tell you, I'm reading the book and the whole premise here of all the stuff that I teach about influence, you know, optimal performance, it's this invisible thing, which is energy. And when you're around someone who's successful, and you call it magnetic energy, sort of more specifically, I cannot agree with you more about this, you know, when you're in the presence of it. And the absence of it makes everything so much harder in life to persuade to attract to accumulate. How does someone first off, what is big money energy? and how does someone get conscious of developing it so they can transfer it to people?

1:12:47Yeah, sure. If I could just backtrack for a quick second. Sure. For anyone that doesn't know. I mean, I was born in Texas, bounced around eight times before fourth grade, grew up a little bit outside Boston, went to college upstate New York. I was terrible at every single sport. The only thing I liked was theater, in part because I didn't have to be myself, right on stage. I was not a cool kid by any means. And, you know, growing up on the East Coast is, school can be tough that way. And so acting and learning how to act and gave me the opportunity to pretend to be somebody else. And I wasn't confident in my body.

1:13:30I was overweight. I had terrible acne. It wasn't that smart, you know. But I knew that I liked to perform. And I gave myself two years after college to come to New York City and try to do theater, try to make it TV, film, whatever I could do. I didn't want to go to LA because I didn't know anybody in the West Coast, you know, basically from the East Coast. So I went there and I completely bombed, failed. I got on a soap opera for like a split second. And then they killed me off really, really, really quick. And I totally ran out of money. And there's a couple of things that have always sort of driven my life.

1:14:07One is I'd rather regret the things I did and the things I never tried. I'd rather ask out that girl and have her say no than live the rest of my life wondering, oh my gosh, she could have said, yeah, oh my God. What's the worst that can happen? She going to punch me in the face? I don't think so. And if she did, that's an even better story. I asked out this chick, she punched me in the fucking face. That's crazy. What a great story. That's my third book. And, you know, I, I am, I used to be, and I'm not as debilitated anymore, but I used to be debilitated by this fear of wasted potential that, you know, like I got to go to New York and try to be an actor because if I don't do it, I, this is my only shot.

1:14:47I got to do this now. And I don't want to be in the cemetery one day as that guy who had he just done a little bit more, you know who he is, he would have had a legacy. And so I totally ran out of money, got into real estate at the end of 2008. Not because I like real estate. No way. Not because I enjoy, you know, being a licensed associate realtor. It was because I needed to pay my rent. And I needed to buy food. And I didn't want my parents to have to help. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. And I didn't want to fail and have to move home. I knew if I moved home, I'd never come back. And if you can make it in New York City, like they say, you can make it anywhere, right?

1:15:25It's a tough, tough city. Competition is intense. It's also a beautiful city. It's an intellectually curious city. And you can walk down the street every day and meet a brand new person every single day. When I got into real estate, I realized that I had something, I was lacking in something that a lot of the successful brokers and developers and bankers and attorneys and clients had, and I couldn't really figure out what it was. They could walk into a room and make perfect eye contact. A great handshake. They owned the room, right? They oozed success, whether they were successful or not. And I wanted to be like those people.

1:16:06But in my mind, yeah, I'm a failed actor. I just got my real estate license. I need to pay rent. That's not me. I can't do that. Maybe in 10, 20 years, maybe, but that's probably not in the cards for me. Right. I didn't think success was something that was, was, was possible for me. And I think a lot of people end up feeling that way as well. And you kind of like write off your future, say, well, that's never going to happen to me. Right. Now, listen, you've got to be realistic too. I suck at basketball. It's not like I really wanted to be in the NBA. And I was like, oh man, if I just try a little bit, no, it's not going to, that's not going to happen to me.

1:16:39But, you know, I chose success first, career second. And I decided that, you know, the one thing that really separates me from everybody else in this field, not just that I'm an amateur and they're professional, not just that they're older with more experience and I'm brand new. It's that they have energy. They have this successful energy. They have this magnetic energy. They have an energy that attracts money and income. They have a big money energy. And what that is, is a unique quality that every successful person embodies. And I think we've all been conditioned to think that most people achieve success because they're either born rich or they're educated or they're well-connected or they're beautiful, but it's just not true.

1:17:31And this is something I mean, I maybe I'm the only one, but this is what I used to think. You should think that some people have it made. I don't. And that's OK. And I kind of like accepted that. But then I realized that I don't have to accept that. I can be the person I want to be right now. Yes. You're all on the same track running. Other people just got a little bit of a head start. And that's OK. And so big money energy is my confidence blueprint to help people take back control and live the biggest, most fulfilling life they possibly can. Because even though you can't change all of your circumstances, that's okay.

1:18:11Because if you can change your energy, you can change your life. One million percent. I just want to acknowledge a couple of things on that. I think you can do all the other things. And if you don't develop this magnetic energy, it's very difficult. I mean, you can have the best script in the world, the best closing in the world, the best everything, even the best product in the world. And by the way, you and I both know, you know, top producers who aren't the best closers, who aren't the best prospectors, but they have this magnetic energy about them. A couple of things. How do I develop it? One, I assume you believe you need to be intentional about it in the first place.

1:18:44But you also talk in the book a little bit about, you know, you said I can become whoever I want. I write my book about you can just become a new character in the story of your life anytime you want. You can actually begin to play a character. and you say something similar about that in the book. So do we model big money energy or does that make it inauthentic if we're like somebody else? Like, how do we do this? Yeah, I don't think you model it. You know, there's a big difference for me in acting, doing theater and actually presenting myself as somebody who was successful, right? And I never, there's no lying.

1:19:17There's no faking it. It was just really believing in your core. And I'll give you an example. Most people know me because for the last 10 years, I've been on a show called Million Dollar Listing New York on Bravo. They've either seen an episode on a plane or their friend saw or just reruns, whatever. I got onto that show when they were looking for the top real estate agents in New York City. At the time, there were under 30. I was 25. And they wanted the best, the biggest, the ones who were doing hundreds of millions of dollars in sales a year. They said, come to our open casting call at the Hudson Hotel in Times Square.

1:19:55And I saw that. I said, all right, I'm doing a handful of rentals. That's definitely me. And so I went. I went. I was like, who are these people? They're from LA. What are they going to know? So I went. And I don't know what came over me that day. But I just was like, you know what? Fuck it. You know, I don't have a business to speak of right now. If I could cast in a reality show about being a real estate agent, what's the worst that could happen? I suck. That is actually pretty bad. So let's not suck. But if I got onto it, it's exposure that I would never be able to pay for. Right. I can't afford those types of commercials.

1:20:29So let's see what happens. And I went into that audition and they asked me why I was there. And I said, because I'm the greatest fucking real estate broker in the history of the world. And I distinctly remember them staring back at me and being like, okay, got it. because I think the 3 ,000 other agents who showed up that day, remember in New York City alone, there are 80 ,000 real estate agents. My gosh. So I was one of them. I think a lot of people were probably mumbling and stumbling and like, well, you know, I saw the note in this and I sold this and this. I just laid it out in one line. Super simple.

1:21:09Next question. Let's go. I'm busy. Can I say something? One thing I want to add in two things. One, the most certain person always influences the less certain person. So one of the things you did is you brought a ton of certainty, but you just use the word busy. I think one of the ways that you have magnetic energy, guys, if you need to be created is be busy. Just busyness alone becomes magnetic because when you have scarcity of time, scarcity is value. And so the less you have of it to offer people, the more valuable it is when you give it to them. So I just want to inject that and you keep rolling.

1:21:41No, that takes me directly into the next point here. You know, they asked me all these questions. Eventually, I left. And I was like, wow, I just bombed that. And then they called me back and said, hey, we want to keep talking to you. So months and months and months go by. Eventually, they say, listen, we've narrowed it down to a big group of you. And so we're flying back to New York. And we're going to follow each of you for half a day in New York City. Don't stress. We just want to see what your life is like. Show us your apartment, you know, your office, stuff like that. It's a reality show, so don't do anything crazy.

1:22:13To me, he said, okay, your first impression is your last impression if you are not careful. The last thing I was going to show them was my fucking apartment and my office that was in the corner somewhere and appointments. What was I going to do? Take them on$1 ,000 a month rental appointment that I had? No way. So I said, this is an opportunity that I have. I told them I'm the best. I believe that I can be the best. I might not be the best today by numbers, but they didn't ask me what my numbers were. They didn't ask me what my listings were. They said, why are you here? I said, I'm the best real estate agent.

1:22:48That's what you're looking for. So why are you asking? And now they're here. So they want to see that. So I scheduled myself a day that was as busy as one of my busiest days ever. And I would have busy days here and there, but when you're brand new in any business, you have lulls over and over and over. And I wasn't about to let fate control my destiny in any way, shape or form. Okay. They were going to pick the day. They were going to pick the morning. No way was I going to say, well, no, that looks like a slow morning. I guess that's what they're going to see. No fucking way. But every day they pick, I'm going to give them what I told them I was the greatest real estate agent ever.

1:23:26And so I drove them around the city like a crazy mad person. I booked myself nonstop every 15 minutes. I think it got car sick halfway through. And then because my life is not that crazy, I was done with them like three hours early and I didn't know what to do. And so I left them in an apartment and I got back into my car and I just drove off and said, listen, I have a really, really busy day ahead of me. I don't have time to stay with you for the next couple of hours. I got to do some personal stuff. I'm sorry. I'm sure you can understand if it doesn't work out, no problem. Wow. You had to reach me and I left him and i i at that point i was like all right 50 chance that was the stupidest thing i've ever done um uh but there's a there's another 50 chance that they're gonna look at that and they're gonna say he just left us everyone else is is dying to get on this show and this guy just left us on the side of the please cast him now and that's exactly what happened i freaking love it like see i knew none of this i just seen you on the show i knew there was a i knew there's an edge to you.

1:24:30But guys, the busyness combined with a little bit in life of just a takeaway. I don't need this just a little bit, no matter when you're persuading, these are the combination, the mother of all combinations. And what I love about the book, you guys, again, it's big money energy is it's about magnetic energy, but it's also about building your self-confidence and it's about performing at a level. And let's just be really honest. You know, you all know Ryan, but think about what he just told you. This is not one of the top agents in New York at the time. And now, I mean, arguably the biggest real estate brand, at least in the United States that I'm aware of, that's remarkable in a decade.

1:25:04And the catalyst was the things that he's telling you. So this is valuable stuff if you want to do this in your own life. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. Welcome back to the show, everybody. The gentleman sitting across from me, I think, is one of the most talented comedians of all time. I was telling him off camera, he's just a tremendous storyteller. And I love his style. And he's been doing comedy for over 20 years. One thing about him that's always stood out to me, his inherent goodness as a person, I think, shines through in his work.

1:25:44Like, you inherently know when you watch him, this is a good man. And that storytelling has transitioned now into three books. and his third book's out right now. It's called We're All in This Together, so make some room. And there's so many great life lessons as you laugh your ass off in this book, but tons of great life lessons in the book that we're going to uncover today. Tom Papa, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. It's nice to be here, finally. Yeah, finally. To be relevant 20, 30 years in comedy, most people don't know, but you really do redo your act every couple years, right? There's new bits.

1:26:17And it's kind of like choosing to continue to grow and throw out the old and bring in the new. And most people in their life, like in your career, it's required. You can't do the same act for seven years or people don't want to come keep seeing you, I assume, right? But that's risky. And most people in their life don't do that. They're in a career. You lock in. They got the routine. They go to the same restaurant, the same barbecue on the 4th of July, the same six people at Thanksgiving, the same job. And I think one of the juices of life is what you have to do in your business, which is every few years it's like here we go again i'm a baby again right yeah it's funny when you say baby because the thing that popped into my head as you were describing it is you it's kind of keeps you young it keeps you youthful i have no idea of what age i am because i am still like the same attitude of working on these jokes and going to do this thing and i hope that it goes well and and these people are still uh an inspiration to me and like it really makes There's very little difference from when you were 30.

1:27:23Are guys like you, because by the way, you're listening to one of the all-time, he won't say it, but all-time top comics. And by the way, other comics that I know, when I ask them, hey, give me five or eight guys, typically your name comes up. That's nice. It's true. And so to hear that you also get scared and nervous and renew. You're good friends with Seinfeld and Leno. Same thing with those dudes? Is that a trait in guys or people, rather, that are great in your business? Yeah, but again, it's kind of what we're talking about. They're also extremely confident, quietly confident because they put in the time and they know the craft.

1:28:03But they still have, oh my God, that set was crazy. That joke didn't work and I lost it out there. There's still the vulnerability. It's that thing, that mix of this ultimate confidence with still that vulnerability. I think the vulnerability is very important, especially in the arts. I think it makes you uncertain, which is kind of the opposite of what we're talking about of the country being divided. All those people are acting like they have certainty. And, I mean, that's just locked in. You're just going to turn into a fossil. Wow. It's that flex, that vulnerability that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know.

1:28:48So let me keep searching. How do you have the vulnerability when you lack the confidence? So I go back to like you, young, I think you're like 22 or something. I really read your stuff, by the way. I know. You're like, well, I know more about your book than you do. Yeah, you're dropping it. But anyway, you're young and you kind of catch yourself. You're kind of drinking in a bar and you're like, I think I'm going to slip into this life. It's the way that I understood the story. Like, I may just get stuck here in this life. Before I was going. Yeah. So before your comedy career, because there's a lot of people listening to this.

1:29:18They're like, this really sounds good, and I don't want to live the next 30 years the same. But I'm lacking a lot of confidence. So how do I become vulnerable? You made a decision. What was it like? Was it more like you knew what you didn't want? Was that life or more what you did want? Because you end up kind of leaving, right, where you were and going and exploring a new life. Yeah, of becoming a comic. It was out of college and hanging and working. It's tricky because I admire that life. So do I. I like the people. I could easily be the people that sticks in the hometown and knows the servers at the diner and run into the guy at the liquor store because you went to high school with them and you know those roads and you know what summers are like there and you know what the winter is going to be like and you know when Santa comes on the fire truck there like there's I love that I truly do but I did know that whatever road I took was going to be a sacrifice if I stayed there and live that life and have my motorcycle parked out back it would be a cool life the sacrifice would be that i never got to see if i could have been the comedian i wanted to be when i was 13 years old so then if i want to chase that and see can i be the comedian that i wanted to be when i was 13 years old okay you can you can go to new york and you can go chase that what's the sacrifice the sacrifice is i'm not going to live that life where everybody knows me and it's nice and cozy in my hometown.

1:31:05So there's a sacrifice, which to this day, I'm very happy with the way it worked out, but that other life would have been great. You know what's interesting? Me too. Right? I think about it more now that I'm way far away from it. I think there were years I was like, man, I didn't want that life. I want this one. But more and more, I'm like, it's okay if that would have been my life. I just think it's like as long as you knowingly choose the life and you know you don't want to, it's like, you know what I mean? It's like as long as, you know, you're okay with it. Like there's nothing wrong with having a wonderfully comfortable life that you enjoy.

1:31:45It's almost like I have some friends that don't really know the difference that I grew up with. Like they've never really thought much of a big dream and a big life. But some of us, I think, it could be a blessing or a curse or sort of wired with these dreams. Yeah. You know, like I have a bunch of buddies that they didn't have those things. And aren't you envious in a way? Yes. You're like, oh. I'm envious of people sometimes that I see with just very simple lives. And I'm like, wow, you don't have 400 emails today. Right. And there's absolutely nothing better or worse than the two. It's just I was born with some dreams and ambitions that I think truthfully haunted me.

1:32:26Yeah. Had I never known who I could have become. had I never had the experiences. But yet there's something about getting on the other side and living some of it. You're like, yeah, that wasn't, you know. Yeah. And yeah, it's a difficult thing to kind of figure it out. And then, you know, you also feel like, well, you know, what is my purpose here? What am I supposed to be doing? Right. For some reason there was a little nagging, as silly as it is to be like telling jokes. In the beginning, I see it more now. I think it's more purposeful now. In the beginning, I wasn't thinking of it in those terms.

1:33:01But looking back, I think the thing that makes you make the leap, go in a direction, and it doesn't have to be show business. It could be anything. Is that you feel like there's something pulling you there that's going to give you – if you do it, you're going to achieve something. and you're going to have value and you're going to carry that and your life will be richer. Yep. Right? And I don't think that's silly. I think it's just true. Yeah. And it could have been being a dentist in that town. I mean, like, okay, I'm going to put up a little tooth on the building and I'm going to take my degree and do it.

1:33:41That's still a leap. Or it could be I'm going to raise these three kids and I'm going to stay home and make sure that these kids are raised the way I want them to be raised and I want to enjoy that element of it. It's really interesting because I didn't know we were going to talk about this, but I'm actually working this out with you while we're doing it. Yeah, so am I. But by the way, if I could just interrupt you. Yeah, please. There is no certainty. Right. This is why I love these interviews. Yeah. And I do it with my friends in comedy and I do it with my – you have to relearn and talk through these stories all the time.

1:34:16You do. To remind yourself like – It's true. That I'm on track. I wonder if in my case – I don't sense it with you. Yeah. I wonder, I, I, one, I had dreams and things I wanted to do, but I also think I was under the illusion, maybe it wasn't even an illusion, that I kind of wanted to change how I felt. There's something not sitting in my being right about how I felt, even though I come from a pretty good family. And if I could go succeed or do this, I'll feel differently. Yeah. And then I got addicted. My drug, I guess. I don't know if my drug is success because I don't even feel successful, but my drug is growth and experiences.

1:34:56Yeah. And I have to feel like for you that feeling on a stage. So first for for a guy who's a mechanic, it's the feeling of fixing that engine and it works perfectly. Yeah. Or for the teacher of seeing a student get the lesson right or a nurse that they've healed somebody. Yeah. And for you, maybe it's that laugh on the stage. You get a laugh. I got to imagine there's not a lot of feelings like that feeling for you, and it becomes almost like a drug. For sure. Oh, yeah, for sure. What does that feel like when you hit your version of the thing? Can you describe what that feels like? Yeah, it feels the first thing that pops in my head is connection.

1:35:35It feels like I got one. I nailed one. this is something that means you walk around thinking of the stuff that is funny to you or means something to you and then you put them out but when you get like one that that pops and that crowd is laughing it's connection we're all experienced we all agree with this thought i've uncovered i looked through the the leaves and i found this nice little rock and it's like and it was worth sharing i feel that way bro yeah i don't think i could go through me go through my life not searching for the rock yeah getting it like i it's a pain in the ass it's a lot of work it's a lot to get there but but it's exciting it's like i mean that's the thing that vulnerability and you know all these words are become inaccurate at a certain point yeah but But I love still learning little life lessons from people.

1:36:37I love it. I love it. Me too. It's just these little things. And I'm inspired by people in my family who are successful and they got it together or whatever. And, yeah, it's a constant, yeah, we can do this better. And every phase is new. So it's like, okay, so how am I going to handle this one?

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