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The Ed Mylett Show - Episode Summary: How To Laugh More w/ Tom Papa
Overview In this episode of *The Ed Mylett Show*, host Ed Mylett interviews renowned comedian Tom Papa, who shares insights on the importance of humor, connection, and personal growth. The conversation revolves around how to embrace laughter, navigate life's challenges, and understand our shared human experiences.
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Key Themes and Insights
- The Connection Between Comedy and Life
- Life’s Seriousness: Tom discusses how comedy serves as a lens through which we can address life's serious questions.
- Shared Humanity: Both speakers agree that everyone experiences struggles, emphasizing that feeling alone in one’s difficulties is an illusion.
- Mental Health and Acceptance
- Acknowledgment of Struggles: Tom suggests that everyone is somewhat "screwed up," and that therapy is beneficial but is not a one-time fix.
- Ongoing Process: He encourages a mindset of continuous growth rather than seeking a permanent solution to life’s challenges.
- Building a Better World
- Responsibility to Improve: Tom presents a metaphor about "building a fort," illustrating the idea that we should leave the world better for those who come after us.
- Shared Spaces: Relating to the idea of community, he stresses the importance of contributing positively to our surroundings.
- Humor as a Tool for Perspective
- Laughing More: The episode encourages listeners to evaluate how much they laugh and find joy in daily life.
- Lightening Seriousness: Ed and Tom discuss the significance of not taking life too seriously, especially in personal and family interactions.
- Navigating Social Media and Divisiveness
- Illusions on Social Media: They touch on how social media can create false narratives of division and prompts listeners to reconsider their perspectives on others.
- Human Connection: Despite political and social differences, the speakers argue for an understanding that we are all fundamentally connected.
- The Balance of Confidence and Humility
- Ego vs. Confidence: Tom talks about the importance of having confidence in one’s abilities without allowing ego to dominate interactions.
- The Role of Vulnerability: He highlights vulnerability as a crucial part of comedy and life, suggesting it keeps one grounded and relatable.
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Takeaways for Listeners
- Embrace Your Journey: Everyone has a unique path, and it’s essential to pursue your passions regardless of age or circumstance.
- Transformative Power of Laughter: Humor can provide a fresh perspective on life’s challenges and forge connections with others.
- Immediate Change is Possible: You can change your circumstances quickly by making small, decisive actions.
- Value Human Connection: Seek to understand others rather than allowing divisive narratives to influence perceptions.
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Final Thoughts Tom Papa's insights provide a refreshing reminder of the importance of laughter, connection, and understanding in our lives. The episode encourages listeners to embrace humor, recognize our shared struggles, and take proactive steps toward personal growth and community enhancement.
For those ready to explore more about these themes, Tom Papa's book *We're All in This Together, So Make Some Room* offers further reflections and life lessons intertwined with humor.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:04This is the Ed Milet Show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. The gentleman sitting across from me, I think, is one of the most talented comedians of all time. I was telling him off camera, he's just a tremendous storyteller. And I love his style. And he's been doing comedy for over 20 years. One thing about him that's always stood out to me, his inherent goodness as a person, I think, shines through in his work. Like, you inherently know when you watch him, this is a good man. And that storytelling has transitioned now into three books. And his third book's out right now. It's called We're All in This Together, So Make Some Room.
0:43And there's so many great life lessons as you laugh your ass off in this book, but tons of great life lessons in the book that we're going to uncover today. Tom Papa, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. It's nice to be here, finally. Yeah, finally. You know, there's a lot of things you say in the book that I read. I have this theory. Yeah. I'm in the personal development business or whatever this is, right? And I tell people all the time, everybody is screwed up. Just some of us are way better at pretending we're not. Totally. Totally. And I think the more you know well-known people that people look up to, you're like, oh, they're really screwed up.
1:18At least as much as someone who doesn't have a lot of notoriety. And that's one of the things you say in the book is like, hey, it's okay. We've all been, a lot of people have lived lives. Most people are screwed up and there's nothing wrong with that. Speak to that a little bit. It's in the book. It's like an overriding theme actually in the book. Yeah, it's kind of an overriding theme in everything that I do. Like my last specials, it all has the same thing. I'm saying it now. I go through this whole run about in my act right now on the road when I talk about therapy and paying attention to our feelings and stuff.
1:54It's positive because we're spending time. We're much better than the other generations and dealing with mental health and that stuff. But know that there's no fixing this. Yes. You're not a robot that breaks, gets repaired, and goes out. If you go to therapy, it helps you. That's good. But just know you're going to go forever. Right. And I say I would be a horrible therapist or maybe I'd be a great therapist because you're only going to come once. You're going to pay a lot up front because you're only coming once. And you come in and you say, so you feel a little less than. You feel kind of fat.
2:30You feel kind of old. You feel like something's on your body you don't like. And you feel like everybody's talking about you and you're not doing enough. Yeah, you're a human being. Now get out there and stay busy. No, but it's like super true. Two weeks ago. So I do Tuesday episodes like this where I do an interview. And then Thursdays I do like a solo thing for 20 minutes. Cool. And two weeks ago, might even have been last week, I did one on that. I said, I think therapy's incredible. Yeah. But you got to be, I had a young man who called me who was, or his dad did. He was suicidal. And he said, would you please talk to my son?
3:03And we went through the hour and he's seen a therapist. And at the end of it, I said to the young man, I said, there's two ways you can approach this thing, which is what most people do in therapy. I'm all screwed up. Please fix me. Right. I'm broken. Please fix me. Yeah. Or you know what? I'm actually okay. And I want to grow and get better. Yeah. And that's, I think, the way you go through life is like, hey, everybody's sort of got these ailments or problems. It doesn't you're not different or more messed up than most people. No, you just got to kind of grow and improve and get in there and like make a difference with your life and learn.
3:34Yeah, 100%. I mean, that's what I feel like what your show does. I feel like that's what anybody that's trying to express this thing of understanding ourselves and improving ourselves and surviving and having good relationships. I think ultimately the end of what I do what you do at the end of it the message really is you're not alone you're not alone we think we're the one carrying this stuff and we're the one that's dealing with these crazy parents and we're the ones with all this burden no no no no no no no yeah we're all doing it every every the people you look on Instagram and you think they've got it all together the people that you see on the street who are struggling it's all the same So true.
4:21You're not alone. And I think that realization as a young person, like, save me. There's a metaphor in the book you use about building a fort. Mm-hmm. And it kind of speaks to this. Like, not only are we not alone, but, like, there's something to being a good human being and doing something that sort of, like, pays it forward. Tell them the fort story. I think it's a great analogy. Yeah, the fort story is about, it's about how, it's really about being a good citizen. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I just, I live in this house. And I say in the beginning, like, I have a house. I'm paraphrasing my own work.
4:57But I have a house. There's a mailbox. There's a twisted up garden hose covered with snails. This is my house. But is it really? I'm really only here for a minute. So, and whoever was here before thought it was their house. And so what's the responsibility that it really is? You're really just renting. Anywhere you go, you're really renting. I mean, not just real estate, our time here. So what's our responsibility? And I think our responsibility is make it a little better. Make it a little better because someone's going to move in with their family when I move away. And they're going to think, this is my house.
5:31Oh, isn't it nice they put the mailbox here? Isn't it nice the garbage disposal is on this side? Isn't it nice that they put this little patch of grass over here? Like, just make it a little better. and I said that was when I came back to the woods where I was a kid and we had made a fort with the sticks and we made it into this kind of U and we would hang out in there and it's so funny to walk back there as an adult and see that the fort's still there and somebody else had taken, some other kids are in there huddled up talking about the kids they have crushes on and the kids that they're fighting with and they're having wars with imaginary things in the woods.
6:14And isn't that a nice thing that I took some sticks with my friends and we made it nice enough, we carved out a little piece of the world and made it decent enough that other kids are finding the same joy in it. Yeah, you know, I've got to tell you, I mean this too. I think I mean most things I say, but I mean, I really do. That's profound, what you just said. And you say your comedy is very subtle. It's observational, it's matter-of-fact, you don't raise your voice a lot. And I like that because I almost lean in when you're doing your comedy. Like I'm listening, you know, and there's a cadence and a pace that's just pleasant to the way you do things.
6:50But there's some huge laughs in there. And then in this book, there's some huge points and takeaways. Because I only do 52 a year, so when I get the stuff, I really want someone sitting there that's like, that's a major thing, the renting your time here. Yeah. Rainn Wilson was on recently. I love Rainn. I love him. And we both, our dads died around the same time. Oh, yeah. And I was with my dad when he passed. Uh-huh. And I said, you know, one thing that dawned on me when my dad died, my mom and my sisters didn't really want to stay with him until the hearse came. So I had like an hour and a half with my dad.
7:23Mm-hmm. And something occurred to me about 10 minutes into it. Yeah. And it was that my dad was gone. Right. He was gone. Uh-huh. Who my dad was, whatever you believe about that. Yeah, yeah. His spirit, his being, his soul. My dad was gone. My dad wasn't his body. He wasn't his possessions. He wasn't the awards on the wall. My dad was his memories, was his energy, was what he left behind. My dad was sober for 35 years, was the people he helped. He made it a little bit better, his life, his world, when he rented his time here. And I think that point you made is so profound. The other part of that point that I think is so important in these times is you say we're all in this together and you're not alone.
8:08But that's contrary to almost everything you see on social and everything you see in their main media. They'd have you believe we all hate each other. We're all at each other's throats. Yeah. We all disagree. Red, blue, Republican, Democrat. You know, man, woman, trans, gay, straight. Yeah. And although we do have a lot of differences and we clearly do disagree about things as a culture. Yeah. I think the underneath of it, it's like a big family who doesn't always get along, but there's an inherent love for one another. Yeah, I agree. I go back and forth with it. Like I was saying in my last tour, and I think it ended up in the special, that cable news, we turn cable news off in our house because they're trying to divide you.
8:53Whatever team you're into, whatever you're watching, whether it's Fox or MSNBC, they don't have your best interest at heart. They need you to watch 24 hours a day. And how do they do that? By scaring you, by making you angry. And then you stay. And you should turn it off because that's not – and when you go out in the world, you don't see people living that way. And I do believe that's true. But I also think that they've gotten their claws into people. You nailed it. And they are carrying it around. And you can feel when you're on a plane meeting strangers, they're sizing you up. They want to know, what can I say?
9:33Are you on my team? And it's so unfortunate because that always existed. Like my area where I grew up in North Jersey was what it was. And you didn't know. It was a time when, you know, the old phrase, you don't talk about religion or politics. you don't do and now we lead with it and now they have flags up about it yep and i went through my hometown and i see these flags yes and you're like this is crazy but maybe not maybe they always existed yeah and mr johnson had his beliefs but i never knew them you didn't know and he didn't introduce himself and and uh create his identity based on his political belief that's it that's it Once politics started coming out with merch.
10:20Yes. So true. T-shirts and hats. You're so right. You can wear a Yankee hat. You can wear a Giants hat. No political hats. You're right. What are you doing? You're right. Because if you have that team, then you have to go against another team. You're right. And our team, the reason people didn't talk about politics or religion is we didn't want to separate that we are all in this together. We are one team. Yes. With little differences. I think one of the differences, boy, man, I knew this was going to be good today. I think one of the differences is politics has become a religion. Yeah. And you pick one.
10:52And it's unfortunate for someone like me because, like, I have a lot of left-leaning tendencies because of the way I was raised and just the way that I think. But I'm also rich, so I lean a little right financially, right? Right, exactly. You know what I mean? I got a little ahead of me, too. But, like, I'm terrified on an airplane that I may say something that someone thinks I'm anti-progress or I, like, I'm a red hat guy or whatever. I'm like, it's not my religion and it's not my identity. And I wonder if a little bit of it is, I wonder about this, that, by the way, I think the political parties are vested in making us mad at one another too, because if we can just be mad, we don't have to really listen to everything they would want to do or not do.
11:29But I do think that it's a symptom of the disease of people's lack of identity of something they're doing in their life that they love and they believe. So they identify with a movement or a group or a party or a something. And there's certainly these groups that have a validity to be together because they do need to band together to make progress, right? Yeah. You think about MLK. I wrote my dissertation on him. I know you write about him in the book. Like, darn good thing everybody band together. Right. But to some extent, it's just become so divisive in our lives. And if you could look like you're running the time here, and your underlying belief is, I love you.
12:03You're my brother. I may not agree with you on everything, but we are kind of related in that sense. Right. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, the thing that really bothered me over the last couple of years was that the flag, if you saw the American flag flying in someone's car or house, it was, oh, they're on that team. Yeah. How insane is that? It's insane. It's our flag. Right. It's insane. So I always have it up because, and I'm not telling you what I'm doing. Right. And yet you probably, I think, lean a little left, right? Like I think you probably do. I got to tell you on that topic, driving out here today, I listened to your 4th of July podcast.
12:47Oh, yeah. And you addressed that in the beginning of the podcast. You're like, hey, I have a flag out front. And I don't think that's something to be ashamed of. But, you know, let me explain to you why I do. And I love our country. I don't think it's perfect. I want it to get fixed. Yeah. Actually, just having said that, I'll hang out with this dude and talk to him. Yeah. That seems sane. No, 100%. I truly identify as a patriot. I really do. I just love the country. I can't get enough of stories of people that come over and really value their opportunity when they get here. I am, number one, a patriot.
13:20And then sometimes I vote this way and sometimes I vote that way. And it depends on a big thing on personality. but it is my country it is my country and there's no way that I'm not going to that I'm going to let other people because they're angry take that flag Do you know what's nuts? When I heard you say that on your show and now right now this is what's nuts about where we are I went, that's courageous It actually is and that's crazy It's crazy that that's courageous What if we get to the point where we say I love my kids that took a lot of courage Wow, he's so brave No, but it was the 4th of July, and I remember some of the young people in our family kind of like rolling their eyes about the nation's birthday.
14:05And I said, and my daughter, who loves the country, and she likes being prideful of it, I said in front of the kids, I said, I'm trying to make a point, which I don't know, I'm sure it didn't land, was that if you say you hate this country, you're saying you hate yourself because it's your country and it's one of those places where you get to make change. So if you're going to be cynical and give up, that's you as a person. You can't blame the country for that. You're right. You can't. You are a part of it. Make what you can out of it. If you want change, change it. But that's the great thing about this experiment of America.
14:49And so to say this negative just like eye roll, like, yeah, the 4th of July. Yeah, the 4th of July. As you're sitting here at the beach eating a hot dog and you have the day off tomorrow. I mean, come on. What parts of the country are doing that? Or what parts of the world are. Yeah, I mean the world. That's what I meant. Like you think of yourself. I had Ukraine in my head when I said it. Gratitude. No, you're right about gratitude. So one of the things that's a principle in the book, by the way, to me anyway, you can correct me if I'm wrong. It's a collection of essays, guys, where you're going to laugh, but most of them are like profound life points.
15:24And a few of them are just like points, right? But it's kind of like cynicism versus hope almost to me. Yeah. It's like an overriding thing. Like, hey, no one's Pollyanna saying everything's great in your life or in the world. Yeah. But you got two ways you can choose to live your life, right? Like ones with some hope and some, you know, belief that something can be better in your life or the world or you can be better. And the other one is that you can't. No. Yeah. I don't. I definitely I definitely choose hope. I mean, it really it's easy to be cynical and kind of quit. But I don't like to quit.
15:58You know what I mean? And I also don't like my days to be ruined. I would rather I'd like it to be a fun time. Well, you're laughing. And that's one of the points also from the book for me. I always am, especially when you got to the politic thing, set that aside for a second. It's like everyone should ask themselves, it's like, how much laughing are you doing? Yeah. You know, and I even had to look at this for me about, I don't know, a couple years ago, we went to a friend's house. They were belly laughing, the family. And I could tell this happens a lot here. Yeah. And I actually evaluated because there's love in my home and growth and all that.
16:35But I was like, do we laugh enough? Yeah. And then I kind of, like what you do is so theoretically important. You got to ask yourself, how much laughing are you doing? Are you taking all this shit way too seriously? It's not my language, but like everything just a bit too seriously. Like if you really are renting your time here, right? And it really is about making the world better. You really are blessed to get a chance to be here during this time. Maybe dial the seriousness down a notch, right? Yeah, unless it's your work. They're very serious people working on very serious problems. And you know what?
17:11I don't need those guys laughing all the time. I don't need my neuro laughing as we go into surgery. I don't need to. Right. Exactly. Those people, people trying to figure out health care, whatever they're trying to do, guys working on physics. Yeah. All right. More power to you. I don't need to see you at Applebee's doing shots at 430 because you left the office early. Right. The rest of us, this is a short time that you're here, especially as an adult with some money in your pocket. It's a short ride. It's really not – one of my big philosophies in life is don't do the math. Don't add up how much time we have.
17:47Just enjoy the hell out of it because I don't like the daunting limitation of time. but to go against my philosophy of don't do the math you know once you get out of school and then find your way after another 10 years and you kind of lock it in and you start rolling so maybe you're like 30 and then 30 40s 50s 60s now your knees are shot your eyes are going and it's the same thing it so you're dealing with a couple decades there three decades in the middle that are really that good. Now, do you want to spend that time not having as much fun as you possibly can? It's so true. You know what I mean?
18:28Get a pontoon boat. Get some bowling shoes. Make jokes with your kids. When my kids come in, when there's a fight in the house about what? About what? Someone left their shoes on the steps. Who cares? It's okay. It's okay. It's going to be all right. I know it's aggravating. I know she doesn't listen. and it'll be okay. And really, just like, I want to have as much fun as possible. Part of that does come with age, though, don't you think? Like, part of that perspective. That's why it's cool to listen to podcasts of two middle-aged guys talking if you're not so middle-aged, because you can learn from our mistakes.
19:04Yeah. Because I took too many things too seriously. I took offense too much in my life, and I was too much in my life, I'd like, you know, you're at an airport, and some dude cut you off to get his bag in front of you or whatever. I'm like, man, why did I let that upset me? It took joy out of my... I woke up today because I listened to your podcast yesterday. I swear to you. I woke up today and I went, this is today, and I do this for a living. I'm like, how do I want to feel today? I literally did this this morning. My family was gone, so I woke up alone this morning. I was like, how do I actually want to feel today?
19:39I can start today and just start throwing my worries at myself, what I got to get done, the stuff I do and don't want to do. Or like, could I actually like choose today? I'm going to think I just, I think I, like this sounds really weird to come from me from my eyes. I was like, I'm actually going to be happy today. I actually intentionally got up. Yeah. And I was kind of happy. And guess what happens? I go into my little home gym. My dog crapped all over the floor in the middle of the night. And normally I'm like, damn. Today I was like, this is freaking hilarious. I finally decide. I literally got the sleep walking out of my eyes and bam, there's crap all over my gym.
20:13Pee everywhere. where I've got to take 40 minutes and clean this up. Oh, my God. And I still don't, you know what I mean? I know. There's nothing better than that perspective of chuckling at yourself. I find myself doing it when I get up in the middle of the night and have to pee and go walking, and I'm walking like Sanford and Son. My ankles are sore, and I'm banging into walls, and just the little quiet, like, here we go again. Here we go. This is how I walk now is just so funny. But I cultivated that early. I wasn't – it's kind of a mixed bag, but I remember in high school being like, I have the option.
20:52You did. How am I going to go into today? Like that thing of like – and I'm clapping my hands because I literally would kind of do that. I'd wake up and be like, ugh. And I was like, all right, let's go. What do we got to do? Here we go. Yeah, let's go. and when you get older and I started like my career and even now you have to fight it you got to fight gravity it's like that that worry or just the drudgery or yes you wake up and you're like oh it's not good you got to fight it all the time but I kind of cultivated it early because I was looking at life through funny yeah I was like I'm not taking any of this I lost some people really early so i was like oh this is not to be taken that seriously like this is really precious time so let's kind of enjoy it i think it's a huge thing tom i actually think it's a huge thing it's it's interesting that of all the people i've had on the show that it's someone in your profession who points this out and it affected me uh-huh but like really man like i think that's important like this i take me and stuff too seriously too often there are things i do that really matter.
22:00But a lot of it doesn't. And a lot of things don't. The other thing, I've done a pretty good job in my life of not complaining. Probably one of the funniest parts of the book for me, I want you to tell them this story, was two parts. One, when you cannonballed into the pool. And do you remember that? And the other one is when you got you were one of like a billion grandkids. Just tell them that. Where you got a card from your grandmother. The point of the chapter is like stop complaining yeah it's quit your complaining yeah that's the name of the essay this is awesome and i was taught by my grandmothers really who are just these like inspirational and they were like the the positive thinkers before it was in vogue uh and my one and my they one lesson was don't quit your complaining like don't complain we're all a mess like nobody wants we've all got worries so what gives you the right to walk in and be like oh listen what happened to me it was like yeah it happened to me too but i'm not complaining i'm not dumping it on you and coming from a big family this big giant italian family was definitely helpful because you knew you weren't that important and i once got a a birthday card from my grandmother addressed to tammy instead of tommy and i kind of let you know where you He says in the book, he goes, not only did she not know my name, she did not know I was a boy.
23:27Yeah, exactly. That's so good. That's so good. Yeah, and it's funny because they would give you, the lesson was like a mix of, you are the most special thing, and you are so grateful, you should be so grateful to be here, and you are just, oh my God, 21 grandchildren. Everyone walked away thinking they were the grandchild. But at the other side of it is, but you're not that special. Right, right. But get over yourself. Yeah, I think there's a way of like, I don't know. I think there's a way of like really feeling blessed and that you've got some gifts yourself and not letting it be like a big ego thing.
24:02I had a friend of mine one time and I was really worrying a lot. He goes, man, you got a huge ego. And I went, no one thinks I have a huge ego. That's not true at all. He goes, no, no, no. You're the center of the universe, man. And like your problems are way more important than everybody else's. Kind of to your point that you just said. Was he saying it in a derisive way? He was saying it like wake up. Oh, really? You know, like wake up. Like, hey, dude, like, yeah, you're not that big of a deal. And it's going to be okay. And other people have way bigger problems than you do. And like maybe start, I have this phrase I use that I got from him.
24:31He's just a friend. He's like, he goes, whenever you feel helpless, get helpful. Help some other people. And I've like repeated that like hundreds of times. People who listen to my work are like, now that's profound. I'm like, I got it from my buddy who told me I had a big ego. It's a good one. That's where it came from. But it's really true. But can I ask you a question? Sure. without a little bit of that ego, do you think you would have been as successful as you are? No. Meaning? Like, because you have to. Depends on what you define as success. Would I have made the money I made and reached the people?
25:03Would you have made the money and felt that you've achieved something, which I think is very important. I think it gives you, I think, achievement and success in like, you know, that you're helping other people and people are buying your books and people are listening to your show. Sure. It's much easier to walk through the day and slap your hands and say, it's going to be a great day. Yeah. When you have some things under the belt. Yeah. Let me tell you what I did. And you kind of need, like. You do. You've got to have a lot of confidence and a lot of belief. And you've got to be hungry. And you have to think.
25:33Yeah. I think confidence and ego are different. And I'll tell you what happened to me when I was young, since you asked, everyone can listen in. I met Wayne Dyer really young. Do you remember Wayne Dyer? He was like a thought leader, kind of like a Tony Robbins guy back in the day. Okay. Maybe a little new agey kind of back in the day. But really profound guy. Yeah. Anyway, I met him and we got to know one other very well, became lifelong friends. And he said, Ed, I think you're going to change the world, you know, and gave me all this belief. And he goes, do me a favor and like never attach all of your confidence to like your abilities.
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26:05Because you'll always be chasing that tail. It'll never be enough. You'll never be good enough. And he goes, attach your confidence to your intentions. Meaning, he goes, Ed, you're a real good man. Now, God gave me some good voice and pretty good brain, and you're a hard worker, but attach your confidence to your intentions. And so, like, even before I speak or even meeting you today or a business meeting I go into, my confidence booms. But it's like, I'm a good guy, and I want to do well. My intention, even probably before you walk on stage, it's like, I don't know that you go, I'm the funniest dude in the world, but I bet you there's a part that's like, I intend to make these people laugh.
26:39Yeah, and you need to have a little bit of I'm the funniest guy in the world because you need to approach things like I can do this. Sure. That's the thing. It's not like I'm better than everybody, but I can do this. Yeah, I think that's me. And also for me, there's faith involved. So I'm like kind of whatever I'm good at came from God. I've worked very hard at it. Yeah. But I think all my life, like anybody, I probably struggled with ego slash confidence slash humility and where's that blend. My favorite people in my life, nuance, humility, and confidence. They toe that line very well. Yeah. Because my friends that are super confident with no humility, they make you sick.
27:15Yeah. And they wear you out. And they eventually burn out or mess up. Yeah. My friends with tons of humility and no confidence, they drain you. Yeah. They're always down. They're always complaining. You're always picking them up. So it's those people kind of that toe the line, at least to me, that seem to be the people I want around me. Yeah. You got to harness it. Yeah. It's like you got to, like if you want to be as good as you possibly can at whatever you do, you got to believe in yourself. Yeah. And that doesn't mean that you believe in yourself to the detriment of everybody you run into. You know what I mean?
27:51Yeah. You know, like just in the comedy clubs, like there would be guys who would roll in and cut everybody else on the lineup. You know, be 10 comedians waiting to go on. Yeah. And they walk in like, I'm the guy. Right. And then cut everybody and do an hour, and then everybody's like, oh, it's with this guy. And some people would do it before they've earned it. Some guys, you're like, no doubt. You can do whatever you want to do. We're all happy you're here. And other guys, just got some success, and they start throwing that weight around. And you're like, ugh, that's gross. Because they didn't have what you're saying.
28:24They lost the humility part of it. Humility and some self-awareness, don't you think, too? Yeah. Just a little self-awareness. Jay Leno on your show that I was just listening to on the 4th of July, I didn't agree with the way he said it, but I know what he meant. On your show, he goes, I think the key to success is low self-esteem. Yeah. And then I went, that's totally backwards. But then he kind of elaborated. He goes, meaning I don't always think I'm the funniest guy in the room. I wanted the best lighting guy, the best producer. I surrounded myself with good people. I think what he really meant is the key is humility.
28:52Yeah, I think that's true. Which is not low self-esteem. But I thought it was a really good point. It is a good point. The way he said it. It's all a balance, isn't it? because like when you say the low self-esteem thing like i've been doing this 30 years and i'm on tour now and i'm moving in i have a new act so i'm digging deeper and trying to come up with it and uh it's actually scary yeah i've been doing it 30 years i have a thousand people in the audience waiting with their tickets to see what's going to happen tonight like and but they don't know that I'm like, ah. Yeah. You know what I mean?
29:28And so like, I don't know if low self-esteem is the right word, but it's nice to feel vulnerable. It makes you, it makes you stay, uh, working hard at it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if I, if I just thought, oh, whatever I say is going to be great, I probably would start to deteriorate. I know exactly what you mean. Cause I'm speaking and I just finished kind of a tour of my book and I had a talk that I became very comfortable with giving and it worked and everyone liked it or I think most people liked it. And I don't want to keep doing it. I want to do something new. I want to ask you about this.
30:03I'm so glad you brought it up. To be relevant 20, 30 years in comedy, most people don't know, but like you really do redo your act every couple years, right? There's new bits and it's kind of like choosing to continue to grow and throw out the old and bring in the new. And most people in their life, like in your career, it's required. You can't do the same act for seven years or people don't want to come keep seeing you, I assume. But that's risky, and most people in their life don't do that. They're in a career. They got the routine. They go to the same restaurant, the same barbecue on the 4th of July, the same six people at Thanksgiving, the same job.
30:39And I think one of the juices of life is what you have to do in your business, which is every few years it's like, here we go again. I'm a baby again, right? Yeah. It's funny when you say baby because the thing that popped into my head as you were describing it is it kind of keeps you young. It keeps you youthful. I have no idea of what age I am because I am still like the same attitude of working on these jokes and going to do this thing and I hope that it goes well. And these people are still an inspiration to me. And like it really makes very little difference. That's crazy. From when you were 30.
31:17So are guys like you, because by the way, you're listening to one of the all-time, he won't say it, but like all-time top comics. And by the way, other comics that I know, when I ask them, hey, give me five or eight guys, typically your name comes up. That's nice. It's true. And so to hear that you also get scared and nervous and renew. You're good friends with Seinfeld and Leno. Same thing with those dudes? Is that a trait in guys or people, rather, that are great in your business? Yeah, but again, it's kind of what we're talking about. They're also extremely confident, quietly confident because they put in the time and they know the craft.
31:58But they still have, oh, my God, that set was crazy. That joke didn't work, and I lost it out there. There's still the vulnerability. It's that thing, that mix of this ultimate confidence with still that vulnerability. I think the vulnerability is very important, especially in the arts. I think it makes you uncertain, which is kind of the opposite of what we're talking about of the country being divided. All those people are acting like they have certainty. And, I mean, that's just locked in. You're just going to turn into a fossil. Wow. It's that flex, that vulnerability that maybe I'm wrong.
32:41Maybe I don't know. So let me keep searching. How do you have the vulnerability when you lack the confidence? So I go back to like you, young, I think you're like 22 or something. I really read your stuff, by the way. You can tell, right? I know. It's impressive. You're like, well, I know more about your book than you do. Yeah, you're dropping it. But anyway, you're young and you kind of catch yourself. You're kind of drinking in a bar and you're like, I think I'm going to slip into this life. It's the way that I understood the story. Like I may just get stuck here in this life. Before I was going.
33:09Yeah. So before your comedy career, because there's a lot of people listening to this are like, this really sounds good. And I don't want to live the next 30 years the same, but I'm lacking a lot of confidence. So how do I become vulnerable? You made a decision. What was it like? Was it more like you knew what you didn't want? Was that life or more what you did want? Because you end up kind of leaving, right, where you were and going and exploring a new life. Yeah. Of becoming a comic. Yeah. Like it was out of college and hanging and working. And it's tricky because I admire that life. So do I.
33:48I like the people. I could easily be the people that sticks in the hometown and knows the servers at the diner and run into the guy at the liquor store because you went to high school with him. And you know those roads. And you know what summers are like there. And you know what the winter's going to be like. And you know when Santa comes on the fire truck there. I love that. I truly do. But I did know that whatever road I took was going to be a sacrifice. If I stayed there and lived that life and had my motorcycle parked out back, it would be a cool life. the sacrifice would be that I never got to see if I could have been the comedian I wanted to be when I was 13 years old so then if I want to chase that and see can I be the comedian that I wanted to be when I was 13 years old okay you can you can go to New York and you can go chase that what's the sacrifice the sacrifice is I'm not going to live that life where everybody knows me and it's nice and cozy in my hometown.
35:00So there's a sacrifice, which to this day, I'm very happy with the way it worked out, but that other life would have been great. You know what's interesting? Me too. Right? I think about it more now that I'm way far away from it. I think there were years I was like, man, I didn't want that life. I want this one. But more and more, I'm like, it's okay if that would have been my life. I just think it's like as long as you knowingly choose the life and you know you don't want to, it's like, you know what I mean? It's like as long as, you know, you're okay with it. Like there's nothing wrong with having a wonderfully comfortable life that you enjoy.
35:40It's almost like I have some friends that don't really know the difference that I grew up with. Like they've never really thought much of a big dream and a big life. But some of us, I think, it could be a blessing or a curse or sort of wired with these dreams. Yeah. I have a bunch of buddies that they didn't have those things. And aren't you envious in a way? Yes. You're like, oh. I'm envious of people sometimes that I see with just very simple lives. And I'm like, wow, you don't have 400 emails today. Right. And there's absolutely nothing better or worse than the two. It's just I was born with some dreams and ambitions that I think truthfully haunted me.
36:20Yeah. Had I never known who I could have become. had I never had the experiences. But yet there's something about getting on the other side and living some of it. You're like, yeah, that wasn't, you know. Yeah. And yeah, it's a difficult thing to kind of figure it out. And then, you know, you also feel like, well, you know, what is my purpose here? What am I supposed to be doing? Right. For some reason there was a little nagging, as silly as it is to be like telling jokes. In the beginning, I see it more now. I think it's more purposeful now. In the beginning, I wasn't thinking of it in those terms, but looking back, it was, I think the thing that makes you make the leap, go in a direction, and it doesn't have to be show business, it could be anything, is that you feel like there's something pulling you there that's going to give you, if you do it, you're going to achieve something and you're going to have value and you're going to carry that.
37:21and your life will be richer. Yep. Right? And I don't think that's silly. I think it's just true. And it could have been being a dentist in that town. I mean, like, okay, I'm going to put up a little tooth on the building and I'm going to take my degree and do it. That's still a leap. Or it could be I'm going to raise these three kids and I'm going to stay home and make sure that these kids are raised the way I want them to be raised and I want to enjoy that element of it. It's really interesting. Yeah. I didn't know we were going to talk about this, but I'm actually working this out with you while we're doing it.
37:54Yeah, so am I. But by the way, if I could just interrupt you. Yeah, please. There is no certainty. Right. This is why I love these interviews. Yeah. And I do it with my friends in comedy, and I do it with my – you have to relearn and talk through these stories all the time. You do. To remind yourself that I'm on track. I wonder if, in my case, I don't sense it with you. Yeah. I wonder, when I had dreams and things I wanted to do, but I also think I was under the illusion, maybe it wasn't even an illusion, that I kind of wanted to change how I felt. There's something not sitting in my being right about how I felt, even though I come from a pretty good family.
38:37And if I could go succeed or do this, I'll feel differently. Yeah. And then I got addicted. My drug, I guess, I don't know if it's my drug of success because I don't even feel successful. But my drug is growth and experiences. Yeah. And I have to feel like for you that feeling on a stage. So for a guy who's a mechanic, it's the feeling of fixing that engine and it works perfectly. Yeah. Or for the teacher of seeing a student get the lesson right or a nurse that they've healed somebody. Yeah. And for you, maybe it's that laugh on the stage. You get a laugh. I got to imagine there's not a lot of feelings like that feeling for you and it becomes almost like a drug.
39:15For sure. Is it? Oh, yeah. What does that feel like when you hit your version of the thing? Can you describe what that feels like? Yeah, it feels – the first thing that pops in my head is connection. It feels like I got one. I nailed one. This is something that means – you walk around thinking of the stuff that is funny to you or means something to you. and then you put them out and they're good but when you get like one that poof that pops and that crowd is laughing it's connection we're all experience we all agree with this thought i've uncovered i looked through the the leaves and i found this nice little rock and it's like and it was worth sharing i feel that way bro yeah i don't think i could go through me go through my life not searching for the rock yeah getting it like i it's a pain in the ass it's a lot of work it's a lot to get there but but it's exciting it's like i mean that's the thing that vulnerability and you know all these words are become inaccurate at a certain point yeah but um i love uh still learning little life lessons from people i love it i love it you too it's just it's just these little things and And I'm inspired by people in my family who are successful and they got it together or whatever.
40:43And, yeah, it's a constant, yeah, we can do this better. And every phase is new. So it's like, okay, so how am I going to handle this one? Yeah. You say this analogy in the book about CVS. Or that's in the book. Is it the book? Yeah, it's in the book. Yeah, like I want you to give it to them. But it's like it's really true the different stages of life. CVS is a pretty good description of what life can be as you progress through it. Tell them what that looks like. This is so good. It's really that when I keep trying to, how do I convey that we are all in this together? On the one hand, you are special.
41:24But on the other hand, everyone's gone through what you're going to go through. Everyone's dealt with everything. And you can learn from that, the right way and the wrong way. And if you have any inkling that you're unique and that you're different from everyone else, go to a CVS. Walk through a CVS. And you walk in there and you're like, I got this weird thing on my foot. And guess what? There's an aisle that has remedies for that weird thing on your foot because other people have gotten weird things on their foot. And the great thing about CVS is that you're going to end up visiting every one of those aisles.
41:59So true. And there's that one aisle that we all walk quickly by that has these weird kind of walkers and this weird cane and that toilet seat that seems to make your toilet seat higher for some reason. I don't know why. I don't want to know. But I do know, in short order, I'm going to be like paying a visit to that aisle to get that toilet seat. It's true. Over time, I remember as a kid, I'd go in there and go right to like the candy. and now I'm over in the hair dye section. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. The vitamin. Oh, they make gummy Metamucil. That's good. It's so true. I'm working my way through every single aisle.
42:40It's so freaking true. But to your point, like other people have as well. Everybody. It's the human experience. There's another thing I want to ask you about. I ask hard stuff. We don't have that much more time, but it's from the book. And you tell the story. Take your time. You take your, you take your, you talk about the story about your grandparents, I think, getting married. There's this weird nuance in life, too, about like, Trenton Robbins has a saying. He says, trade your expectations for appreciation. Yet, in life, you got to have some, you got to expect some good stuff. One of the things that's detrimental in life is to go through life with these huge expectations of other people or what you're going to do.
43:19You're inevitably let down when you have high expectations. At the same time, I've always wondered, like, but I do expect to succeed. I do want to expect to be happy. Sure. It's an interesting combo. Yeah, but thinking of it in terms of, like, your partner, like, being married, like, expecting them to be you is pretty much a way to set up for failure. Right. When you could just appreciate that they do those quirky things in a restaurant. It's true. Like if you could just appreciate those little silly things rather than expect them to be. And I do it all the time. Like my side of this, we have two sinks in the bathroom.
43:59And my side is pretty street. There's a toothbrush and a cup and that's it. Yeah. And my wife's side is, there's doggy bags and there's treats and there's hair combs and there's receipts. And there's like a whole bunch of stuff. and I early on I'll be honest early on I was expected her to be like me and I don't I guess I don't know if I really truly appreciate the mess over there but I do not expect her to expect it to live like that yeah yeah and you know and also I could learn I in my older mind I I think that she's probably right she doesn't have to keep it order like what am I doing right I mean I'm like making the bed and straightening the things up and putting everything in their place.
44:51But I'm aware that I'm also creating order in this chaotic world so I can kind of, because I'm not good with chaos and that's going to get me through the day and get here to sit with you on the right time. Right. You know, I have my own hangups. Yeah, you have your own hangups. I always say like the key to a happy marriage is separate sinks. And if you want to have like an extraordinary marriage, separate toilets. If you can get, we're wealthy enough to, they have their own toilet and you have your own toilet. But you just upgraded your marriage exponentially in those moments. Yeah, I agree. And I agree.
45:20We've got two sinks, but we're not successful enough for two toilets. Yeah, you're good. But we do have a rule. Keep climbing. Yeah, but that is private time. We don't need to observe. We don't need to have conversations. Vacate the area. Yeah, right. Exactly. Everybody out. I love that. Let me ask you this. We don't have that much time left. Has it been worth it? No. I don't know. No, all the work, all you've put in leaving that life, all that you've had to do. I mean, dude, you've been on the road a long time, been away from your family a lot. There's been a lot of sacrifices you've had to make.
46:02Probably ups and downs financially in the beginning, I imagine were pretty severe. If you look back on it, is it better than you thought, exactly what you thought, not what you thought it would be? It's pretty much what I thought, and I thought it was going to be pretty great. When I learned that you could be funny for a living, that there were grownups out there who didn't get jobs, who were just making people laugh, I thought that's got to be pretty great. That's got to be – I don't know how to do it. I don't know. So, you know, but when I first learned it, I thought, well, that's got to be pretty great if you can pull that off.
46:48And it is. It truly is. Do you think you'll be doing this in 10 years? Yeah. Do you? Oh, yeah. See, I think it's interesting how things lead to one another and what you said about connection earlier. I feel like for some reason with you that all the comedy was leading to you writing more books and maybe doing more of this as well. I'm not saying doing less of that. Yeah. But it's where it leads you. Yeah. This these observations that made you funny are also really I know you I think I feel this way more than you do, maybe because I'm pointing it out to you like these observations are keys to live in like a better life.
47:26That's not hokey or corny to me. Yeah. You know, I wonder if you're going to do more of this. And I think be open. Everybody listening to what the next corner of the road leads to. Right. No, I agree. I don't see them as being that separate. Yeah. you know it's an extension right yeah like you know when i was a kid i was starting to write things down in the little notebooks and so i've always been kind of writing and you know i i have three books now the first one was about six years ago now and that was the first time i was like oh no now i'm writing like now i'm writing these books and i do feel like i have a lot of comedian friends that write one book and they're like i'll never do that again and i'm like i want to do more of this so i think you're right i i think it's they're the same thing that we're i'm still digging and trying to express and be in a funny way get these points across uh yeah at a certain point i'm not going to want to or be able to take my heavy bag and put it in the overhead yeah once i start having to ask people for help i should probably be writing more books about time yeah but i do feel like it's the same journey i feel like it's the same yeah uh i feel like that is my purpose is i think you're extraordinary bro i really enjoy you i really enjoy you i appreciate that last thing is a piece is a question that i ask on behalf of other people and that is if someone was listening to this right now and they're like hey man i'm at that point you were at but i'm 40 or i'm 50 or whatever it is i'm 30 where you were like hey man i think i'm gonna leave where I am.
49:02I'm going to try to be a comedian. And whatever their thing is, I think I'm going to start my business or, you know, I think I'm gonna go back and get my master's or, but it's scary. Right. And they maybe don't have the confidence to do it, but they got kind of this vision or their dream for their life. Yeah. And you've laid out a lot of keys here. Like don't take yourself too seriously, have your confidence in place. We're more connected than you think. You know, all of the lessons that we've talked about here today are really important, But is there anything else you'd say to somebody who says, hey, man, I'm going to try to go pursue something?
49:33What would your – they reach you to Starbucks. They go, hey, man, you made your kind of dream happen. You've got a beautiful family. You've built a great life. You've got good friendships. You've written books. You've achieved a lot in your life. I want to go do my version of that. What would your advice be to them? Yeah, I would say – I mean, the one part, when you put the age on it, I have in my head, like, who else is in your life? like it's easy when you're single to do it if you got a wife and kids or a husband and some kids uh and all this and they're depending on you and you're gonna be like i'm just gonna play jenga in the park right that might be a little nerve-wracking yeah yeah um but that aside if you're if you feel like there's mobility and you can do it the one thing i've really been thinking about a lot lately is how quickly you can change everything you can change everything you we think like it's going to be oh it's going to take forever it can happen so fast yes so fast yes it's like you go from being chubby and like i want to just feel lose a little weight and be a little more active in a month you could be a totally different person and it's the same way with with it all you really can make a change that quickly so i would say go for it because it's and and be and be impatient about it yeah because time is short and i think a good byproduct of that is you can change stuff pretty quickly wow yeah i took right yes it's true yeah my um man i'm glad you said that because the my book's called the power of one more and one of the overriding theories of the book is you're really, people say people don't have vision.
51:20People have vision in their life. They lack depth perception, meaning this, right. They think what they want is way further away than it is. Yeah. Yeah. They believe that. And so they create patterns and beliefs and thoughts and behaviors that perpetually keep it there. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's brilliant. But what if the truth is you're one decision away, one relationship away, one meeting away, one new thought, one new emotion, you know, one podcast away, one connection, right. So I totally, one million percent agree with that. Yeah. But no one says it. I know. Well, it's a hard thing to get because when I was younger, I didn't have that perspective.
51:55Me either. It's only now looking back, like you realize how quickly you can do these things. And that would like to give someone that advice who's 20 or 30 is would be I don't even know if they feel it. Feel it. Because you feel like this. You don't you don't feel the clock running. Yeah. Right. but man it really is true you can you can change everything about you today right really today you could be like i'm gonna be the guy who wears bell bottoms and open shirts and go to the thrift store and in an hour you're that in an hour with 30 bucks you're you're that guy you're that guy it's so true man i uh should i dye my hair yeah no question about it i've been staring at the whole interview are you really yeah i'll be honest with you no i'm just kidding because i don't have much hair left but my daughter was like but now it's getting a little gray on the sides yeah well that changes everything yeah no i don't think you look great i uh man this flew by for me yeah this is so great yeah you're outstanding the best and uh so is the book by the way let me say this to you all again we're all in this together so make some room tom papa by the way follow him on Instagram.
53:10He's hilarious. Go see him on tour. He's got a Netflix special out right now called What a Day. He's just so funny. But there's a depth. And what I said in the beginning, you proved to be true. I said in the beginning when I introed you, I said, your inherent goodness as a human shines through in your work. I appreciate that. And it did today. I appreciate that. It is, yeah, that is the intent. It's a fact. All right, everybody. Hey, go get his book. Go get The Power of One More. If you're not subscribed to the show, click subscribe and share this thing. It's the fastest growing show on the planet.
53:46And the reason is because I'm blessed to sit across from people like Tom and that folks like you listen and obviously are being impacted by the work we're doing here. Also, a lot of you asked me for help. If you go to growthday.com forward slash ed, my friend Brendan Brouchard has an incredible app there that I do some speaking in for him on a periodic basis that I think you enjoy as well. God bless you, everybody. Max out your life. This is the Ed Milad Show.
From the publisher
🔥 WARNING: This episode might cause EXCESSIVE happiness🔥
Ever felt the world is just too SERIOUS? Meet TOM PAPA, the MASTERMIND who'll change that! Being the KING of COMEDY for three decades, he’s rocked the worlds of film, radio, TV, and even podcasting.
But he’s not just another comedian – Tom sees the WORLD like few others can. And this week, he’s joining us for the MUCH NEEDED lessons on how to SMILE MORE.
Dive in with us as we uncover:
How comedy is connected with life's big questions.
Why feeling ALONE is just an illusion.
The twisty roads of SOCIAL MEDIA and politics.
How to ditch the gloom and LAUGH more!
The tightrope walk between CONFIDENCE, EGO, and HUMILITY.
Get ready for a REFRESHING take on life with Tom Papa’s unique insights into who we are and how each of us is connected in our big and beautiful world.
