Learn the One Filter That Exposes a Fake Friend Instantly

25:10And that's because we have different histories and different capacities. And so, Ed, when you say it's really rich for me, right, your experience is great and your capacity is great. And I totally think we need people that are working across these differences and bridging these divides. But for other people, their experience when they talk to someone who has different values in them, their body reacts very differently. Right. They have very different reactions. And there's this book called What Happened to You that talks about the ability to regulate as a privilege. It's a sign that you've had healthy relationships in the past rather than, you know, really traumatic relationships or you've had the opportunity to really work through that trauma.

25:46And if these people that are constantly getting triggered by people's differences of opinions, I think if we encourage them to stay in those relationships, what we might find is they're going to form really gross relationships where they don't actually feel close to people. So I think it really depends on people's capacity and you discerning for yourself. Like, is this a positive experience for me? Is this enriching experience for me? Or is it just too much for me right now? in this moment and I'm gonna make a decision that kind of reflects where my own capacity is at. Yeah, where we agree is on the values part.

26:16So that's why I phrased the question out the way I did. That's why I asked it, because I don't think you should, I don't think anybody should, I don't think there's probably any point in your life where surrounding yourself with people who have different value systems than you. But for me, for somebody who sees God differently than me, right, but believes in God, to me that's not a difference of value system, that's a difference of opinion. And I think my life is enriched by, I don't think it has anything to do with my conditioning necessarily that I've had negative and positive relationships in my life.

26:42I'm not suggesting that people should have people in their lives that don't share their values. In fact, I think life's too short to have people around you who don't share your values. But I do want to have people around me that stretch me, that cause me to think, that cause me to grow, that cause me to change my perspective on those things. And the funny thing about that relationship that I had with my dad, is post his passing, I'm starting to agree with him more on things. And so his lack of proximity to me has caused me to really reflect. And sometimes that's healthy too, that when you do have somebody in your life and maybe there's been a lack of proximity, our appreciation and affection for them can grow in their absence.

27:23And if you have somebody in your life that you loved, that you were very close to, and you miss them, maybe today's show is a catalyst to get you to reach out to them and say, I miss you. I love you. Can we get together again? How are you? I think you'd be shocked at how great they'd feel to hear from you. And I only can tell you this because everybody listening, I wish I could do that with my dad. I wish I could call him and go, give me that crazy stuff you told me about taxes again. Give me that stuff again. I would love to hear that from my dad again. And I don't have the opportunity to. And so for those of you that are listening, that have had some precious human being in your life that's maybe just become a little bit more distant from you.

27:59Use today's show as a real catalyst, an excuse, if you need it, to reach out to themselves. Just listen to the show on friends and it made me think of you and reach out to them again. I hope that'd be a beautiful experience for all of you. What is one thing, Dr. Franco, I could do or anybody could do to be a better friend? That's a pretty broad question, but what is something I could do that makes me a better friend? here is my tip um assume people like you according to the research when people are told to make this assumption it makes them friendlier warmer more open and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when we fear that others will reject us we get closed up we get withdrawn we are engaged in our egocentric bias more which is our tendency to think a lot more about how people impact us than how we impact them, right?

28:52And it's very hard to be a good friend when we constantly think people are rejecting us because we get into this self-protection mode that is antithetical to pro-relationship mode. If I'm in self-protection mode, I'm not initiating. I'm not vulnerable. I'm not expressing affection towards you. If I am in pro-relationship mode, I am vulnerable. I'm expressing affection. I am initiating with you. But in order to be in this pro-relationship mode, we need to feel safe enough, right? And part of the ways in which we feel safe so we can facilitate all these positive behaviors that nurture friendship is we assume that people like us and receive us positively because then I'll reach out.

29:28Then I'll express that affection. Then I'll express that generosity towards you. Man, this is interesting. You're making me think a lot about a lot of things. And that's why I do the show. I want people to be thinking. I want them to be challenged. I want them to learn things and have insights and take tools away that they can use. One of the things I'm grateful for today is so many tools you've shared already, but it makes me think about different aspects of my life and in people's lives. So how do you, I don't know if you've ever been asked this before, and I've never asked anybody this before, how do you nuance this need, desire for these relationships with self-reliance and that nuance between giving my power to other people in terms of my own happiness.

30:18In other words, do I not have to find ways to be happy within myself? You made a great point of assume people like me. What about assume I like me? I love me. And how important is that to not predicate my self-worth on the affection of any other person, even though I understand the value of having these friendships. I imagine that's a really interesting space to navigate, right? We want these friendships because they enrich our lives and they cause us to be happier and live longer. Yet at the same time, am I not a more valuable friend if I love myself in the absence of that? I think you know what I'm asking.

30:54Yeah. I do, Ed. And I think it's hard to separate these two things, right? Because the people that love themselves have been loved by other people and have internalized that so it's become part of themselves. There's a theory on self-esteem called the sociometric theory of self-esteem, which is that our self-esteem is a gauge for how other people feel about us that we've internalized, even more so than it's a sense of I feel positively about me. And so there is this sort of bi-directional relationship. I assume people like me. I like me. I continue to assume people like me. The problem that I think you're getting at, I wanted to address with research on something called self-verification theory.

31:33And that's this theory that finds that we look for people that confirm our sense of ourselves. So people with low self-esteem prefer to interact with people that see them negatively than someone that sees them positively, not because they don't want love, not because they don't want regard, but because when someone sees them positively, they don't believe it. They think it's manipulation because it doesn't match their felt sense of themselves. With the person that sees them negatively, they could actually receive that. It makes them feel like their reality is coherent, right? This person that loves them, it's they're triggering this identity crisis, you perceive me so positively, I don't see myself in that.

32:10It's like imposter syndrome that comes up all of this baggage, right? And so that is the issue, I think, even though other people loving us is how we come to love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, and people love us, sometimes we just won't even notice. Man, that's good. You got me on that. I'm really thinking about that one. That's a that's a really unique space to navigate. I asked some friends preparing to interview today. I said, how do you think you get more friends? And in the personal development space, the business space, I'm going to tell you what the answer is. And I don't agree with it, especially after reading some of your work, you're making me think.

32:46But the answer is bring them value, bring them value, law of reciprocity. Hey, I can do this for you. You know, if I do this for you, you'll like me, and then we'll become friends. And I feel like that's totally different than being authentic and vulnerable, which is what you recommend in the book. I feel like the deeper friendships that I have in my life weren't predicated on my bringing value necessarily other than my love, other than my belief. My value, you know, I want everyone to hear this and I want you to answer because you're a lot better than me. Especially when you become a New York Times bestselling author now like you are, right?

33:24Or you have a couple bucks or you're a person of influence or you're well-known or you're just one of the more successful people in your church or your community, I think people start thinking they have to do things to become your friend. And in my friendships, I don't try to earn friends that way, nor do I want them to try to earn that with me. My value to you is I love you. My value to you is I believe in you. My value to you is that hopefully I'm an enjoyable company. Maybe I'm a good person you can bounce thoughts off of or advice or things like that, but it's not predicated. And I think this is a false belief most people carry with them right now.

34:02Predicated on what I can do for you. What could I do for you? People ask me, Ed, how can I become friends with you? And I think they think, well, I could do this for you. I watched a video on this on an influencer on social media today. The guy said, don't ask me what you can do for me. Just do something for me, and then you get a chance to be my friend. That's not a friendship. That's bartering, right? That's bartering to some extent. So how does that work? I mean, I'm doing something because I love you and I believe you. To me, that's more valuable than I can connect you with someone or I know so and so.

34:33But don't you think some people feel that way? Like I've got to offer you something so you're my friend. That's kind of a, I don't know, a goofy, dangerous space maybe to get friends that way. You know, I think it can work, but it's not authentic. Yes. And whatever we do that's inauthentic burns us out, right? Inauthenticity depletes our energy, like depletes our mental health, right? So it's not really sustainable. But what I suggest, Ed, and I think what I talk about in the book is that when we're secure with ourselves, when we feel most safe, we are naturally loving. Like it comes out naturally.

35:11Like we want to give to people. We want to be generous towards people. And so part of that unlocking authenticity, to me, I define authenticity as who you are. you are when you feel safe, who you are when you're not hijacked by defense mechanisms, then if you're able to get in touch with that, you're naturally going to display all of these behaviors that create connection. Is that what you mean by offering generosity in the book, that part of it? Is that the definition of that to some extent? Which part of it? Well, the part of what I'm offering you is my natural love. It's not offering generosity, like here's money or here's my relationship or here's the keys to my Ferrari or whatever it might be, right?

35:50Yeah, because I think sometimes that can be misconstrued with people where they think, yeah, I've got to offer somebody something in life. And the other thing too is relationships have dynamics. So if a relationship has started predicated upon me doing things for you, that dynamic now exists until I stop doing things for you. And when I stop doing things for you, how authentic, to use your words, is the relationship? Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way.

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38:14now available in Canada and the UK. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash ed. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So y 'all wait for this once a month. I get to spend my podcast with my great friend and your mentor, Brendan Brouchard. He's back on the show today, guys. We have an unbelievable podcast ready for you. Brendan is the top guy in the world that mentors all the other influencers in personal development and business, entrepreneurship, motivation, inspiration. He's the guy that mentors the mentors. He just is. And he's one of my dearest and best friends. I wish you could be privy to the conversations we had just before we came online here today, because there's some of the most enriching ones in my life.

38:57He just feeds my soul and my spirit and my mind. And that's going to happen on today's show. So Brendan Brouchard, welcome back, brother. Thanks, brother. This is an honor to be with you. And every time we do this, I get fired up. So let's hit it. What is something that you could do today, right now, keeping these promises you make yourself to build the bridge. I really believe those of you that whatever your faith is, but the Bible talks about the body being our temple, but whatever you believe about your faith, just want to say one thing to you. I think more change starts with your body and your physicality than you might realize.

39:29And I don't care if you're ripped and fit right now, or maybe you put a couple pounds on. Here's what I mean by that. Fitness, nutrition, hydration, let's take those three things. Those are areas where you can keep promises to yourself. And so that's why I started with this fast thing that I broke. Now, I'm going to get back on it again. And by the way, it's okay if you fall down, you got to get back up, acknowledge the mistake. I could have make a bunch of excuses to you about why and I worked out too hard yesterday. So I was starving and my body was craving protein. I had a banana to get any protein, Right.

39:58So there's no excuses. But see, the time that you get up in the morning, the amount of working out you do, if you go in and do the reps or the time on the treadmill that you say you're going to do, you are starting to stack keeping the promises you make to yourself. If you're going to drink a gallon of water every day and you drink it, you're so some of you are familiar with my work at Brennan's work. You go, I already know that already. Are you doing it? What's another promise you could keep to yourself? so for me it's it's exactly that i start to build this machine called me by keeping the physical promise i make to myself one because it changes your physiology but two it is an area you are in control of you can't control much money you're going to make this month or how many clients you're going to get or what third party outside of you people are going to do so start with promises that are inside that you can keep okay the second area where i begin to keep promises to myself is in my faith walk, in my internal life.

40:54So for example, I pray in the morning. You'd be surprised that there's a power to the prayer, but there's a power to doing the prayer because I said I was going to do it. There's a power to getting on my knees every night and praying. There's a power to when I walk out, I'm blessed, I live on the ocean. But when I was in my apartment, I had a little water fountain that cost me 50 bucks at a swap meet. I like to meditate around water moving. When I would do that, there was a power to emptying my mind and meditating, or there's a power to be connecting with God and prayer. But the other power is I said I was going to do it and I did it.

41:27Let me tell you what that does. It tells you you're in charge. You're in control. You have some domain and influence over your life. Now, all of my faith, no God's in charge. You know what I mean when I say that. Don't get it twisted. There's a yin and a yang, The parable of the sower in the Bible, you got to plant seeds. He provides the harvest. Yes, the world will take some with the rain and the wind and the birds and all that. But you have to plant seeds in your life. And when you begin planting these seeds of the promises you keep to yourself, the harvest is more self-confidence. The harvest is a performance edge that other people don't get.

42:02Oh, she's got some swagger about her right now. She's got a different look in her eye. That eye of the tiger that she's got a little smirk like she almost knows something I don't know. You ever meet those people? they seem to know something I don't know. You know what they know? They can trust them and you don't. And when they know they can trust them, they have a different energy about them. And by the way, you can't transfer to somebody that which you're not experiencing yourself. Why does that matter? If you don't trust you and believe in you, nobody else is going to. Nobody else is going to because you can't give them that trust and belief in you that you don't possess.

42:40Too many people, Brendan, are waiting around for someone else to validate them. Go, hey, you have my permission to succeed now. You matter. Well, so-and-so doesn't believe in me. Is it that they don't believe in you or is it that you don't believe in yourself to the extent yet because you're not keeping these promises if we're being honest as friends and because you don't have that, you're not transferring that belief to them where they can give it back to you. Does that make sense? That's so good. Yeah. When your spirit is really alive in you because you're doing prayer, you're having that moment of faith.

43:19And when that's there, you do have a different level of confidence in life. You really do because you can trust yourself and you can trust something beyond yourself. Now you got the double-edged sword, right? Trust in self, I was congruent. trust and faith, something bigger has got me. Now you have a two-sided trust. You're stronger. And people feel that from you. They're like, oh, he seems solid. He seems solid. And what I want people to have is that solidity in their week where there's a strength, there's a centeredness, there's a groundedness. Because Performance Edge, we always think it's like super high, But it's not about this hype.

43:59It's more about being grounded, being strong. And I also want to share for those who maybe you're listening to the podcast, I'd love for you to go to YouTube and watch the riff Ed just did. because I'm going to give you one more tip on this performance edge, getting it back. People who are able to maintain their drive over a period of time, they do what Ed just did. It's called leadership communication. They speak like leaders. They step in and embody a role model mindset. They are like, oh, I'm aware people have influence. I'm aware that I have the ability to influence energy. So Ed just took the whole thing and ramped it up.

44:44Well, guess what? The rest of the day, because he had leadership communication coming out of his mouth, he'll literally be more expressive, more driven, more focused. And I tell people all this time, I'm like, hey, you know why you lost the drive? You're too quiet. You lost the drive to your You're too quiet. Our expression, our voice gives us superpower. We're human beings with human stories. When we actually start sharing and when we understand we can impact people, because who's the most driven people you ever met? They're always leaders. Yes. They love the role of being a leader. They love the role of having purposeful influence with other people.

45:29And when you lead, you maintain a different kind of edge because you don't play the victim card. When you lead, you have a different kind of edge because you have responsibility that you took upon. You're carrying the mantle that you chose to carry. You're carrying the torch that matters to you. And you realize that you can help other people. You can serve other people. You can enlist other people, enroll other people, build other people. And as soon as there's other people in this mix now, as you lead them, as self-expression comes back into your life, like genuine self-expression for a cause, for a mission.

46:09I know when someone's lost their edge, they're less evangelical for whatever their cause is. I know evangelism means something specific, maybe in the Christian faith, but I'm using it as a sort of a non-denominational, if you will. It's like when you aren't passionately sharing your cause, your mission, your dream. Like business owners all the time, I can tell when they lost their edge, they'll sit there at lunch the whole time. Yeah, I kind of do this. And they're trying to be cool now. They're trying to be the cool person. They're trying to be the subtle person. And it's like, no, no, no. You lose the edge of your business if you don't talk about it, if you don't hype it.

46:51If you aren't hyping your business, promoting your business, talking about it with fire, no wonder you lost the fire. You got to be a fire breathing dragon once in a while about something important in your life. If you want to be someone who has that drive and maintains it, expression is power. And if you don't express, then what happens is guess what? You tone down as you tone down, as you placate, as you go silent, your soul goes, I wasn't born to be a silent soul. You are given voice. You are given expression. And expression gives you the drive back. Just like you saw, if those who watch it, Ed lift, I mean, he almost jumped right out of that chair.

47:34And when he lifts himself up like that, I guarantee the rest of his day is more driven. It's why I tell people, if you read the Bible, read it out loud in the morning. If you have a favorite verse, or you have a favorite poem, or you have a favorite quote from a book, verbalize express stronger express more powerful that's why when you see a great speaker come off stage they're like glowing i mean they're like they're driven yeah you're right by the way i got everybody he's so right about this i there's this they're cousins this idea of selling yourself to dream can i just give you all to add to what brennan was saying like this is going to be very simply put but i say this to you if like if you and i were riding in the car together right now you listening to this or watching this on YouTube.

48:19Can I just say this to you? This is going to sound basic, but no one said this to you in a long time. And I believe this to be true. You know, you get your edge back. You got to want it. Listen to me really close. The people that win, they want it more. They want it more. They're hungrier. They're starving to make it done. And to Brendan's point, the longer you do something, you get a little bit fed. You maybe you're not literally starving. When you started your business, you were literally starving. And that gave you an edge. And the more you get well fed and you got a steak once in a while and a nice bottle of wine, it's just as like this slow asphyxiation to where you just don't want it like you once did.

48:59So if you want to get your edge back, you got to sell yourself the dream. You're going to start keeping these dadgum promises and you got to want it again. This next year, I promise you, it's going to come down to who wants it the most. And that may sound like rah-rah to you and it is not i'm just telling you hungry people man and you could be like i said earlier maybe you're an entrepreneur listening to this maybe you're stay-at-home mom maybe you're retired maybe you're 15 maybe you're a teacher listen to me how bad do you want it and you're going to get clear on what it is you want to want it bad enough and this thing i said earlier about your body.

49:37Don't discount this. Listen, you make a statement when you walk in a room, if you are physically fit, that says this person should be listened to. This person is disciplined. And when you walk in a room and you're not, that also makes a statement. Now, let me be very clear. Listen to me as a friend. You don't have to be muscular or fit or jacked. Okay. None of that. I think it wouldn't hurt if you were, but it doesn't matter. Here's what does matter. The people see you're changing. So if you are out of shape right now, and over the next 90 days, you're just a little bit more fit. You're a little, you got a little more coloring in your skin.

50:15You're a little bit more energized. If people see you changing, making progress, that's infectious. That's magnetic. It doesn't need to be the final product. If you look like a fitness model on a cover, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is you make a statement with your body. Wow. His body, since I've known Brendan. He's lifting more weights. He's more fit. Right before we went on, we were talking about back exercises he does for his lower back because my lower back's bothering me. Progress is magnetic. And so actually, the fact that you're not in great shape right now could work to your advantage because every time somebody sees you these next 12 months, they're like, what are you doing?

50:53That's incredible. Look at the change you're making. And when you change your body and improve your body, it sends a statement to you that you can change anything. That was a great conversation. And if you want to hear the full interview, be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. Here's an excerpt I did with our next guest. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So as you know, every single month we get to spend time with the great Brendan Brouchard. And today is that day of the month for all of you. And it's one of the most downloaded episodes we do all year are the monthly episodes with this man.

51:27And this week, I'm so excited. By the way, he is the founder of the greatest personal development app of all time called Growth Day. If you go to growthday.com forward slash ed, you can get all the information you need to change your life right there and do it affordably. And today you get to spend some time with both of us for free, which is awesome. And so today we're going to talk about, by the way, welcome to the show. First of all, my brother, it's great to have you back as you spend time with us here every month. I'm more and more grateful every time we do it. it's an honor and and man this time of year to be together it's so inspiring it fires me up so thank you you uh hit the word i was going to cover which is momentum i think there's two types of people listening today there's people that are really struggling with their self-confidence they're in a static position meaning they have consistently broken the promises they make to themselves as you've described right self-confidence at its root we've talked about this before is really just a habit of keeping the promises that you make to yourself and when you continually make the promises and keep the promises that you make with yourself, you end up building self-integrity.

52:28You begin to trust yourself. Self-confidence is self-trust. And so you build this reputation with yourself where when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. And so that's what self-confidence is. So there's that group that's just, they're really struggling with it. And I'm going to give you some hacks in a second that I've been doing. And then there's the other group. It's like, no, I'm a relatively self-confident person, but I want to take it exponentially higher. In your case, those of you that are in this case where you think you're relatively self-confident, you got to take some big ambitious goals and you do need to be accountable to someone you admire and respect because you're about to go into the unknown.

53:02You're about to try to take your body fat from I'm in pretty good shape to you're going to 12 % shredded. You need to be accounting to somebody who you admire, right? Or your net worth is going to go up. So accountability is correlated to confidence in the sense, once you've got going outside accountability, what I've done in my life, brother, is if I, if self-confidence really is the process of keeping promises you make to yourself, step one is you have to generate momentum, which is the word that Brendan just used. You have to generate, you've got to change the vibrational frequency. You've got to generate a little bit of momentum.

53:37And so believe it or not, But it's keeping small promises that matter initially. So I'm going to give you all an example from my own life. I'm not going to get into what the health issues I've had this year, but a lot of you know what they are. They've been significant, and they've been both heart-related and also back-related. We'll just call those two of the five different things I've dealt with. And it has impacted my ability to train, to lift, to work out. And from someone who's lifted a lot of weights, I'm a very physical guy, to be reduced for a while to not being able to do that harmed my self-confidence.

54:11So it became this spiral for me. Not only am I not doing what I'm used to doing, but now I don't look like I used to look and I don't feel like I used to feel. And so the confidence, the lack of confidence and self-worth stuff starts going the other direction. And so when I restarted my journey to fitness again, let me tell you what the two big commitments I made every single day were initially that I had to keep. You're going to think, this is crazy, right? Mr. Max out. And these are your two things. Yeah. These are the two things because I could keep them and I could keep myself accountable for them.

54:46And it generated mini momentum. I've set up two things I knew I would and could do. You're like, that seems artificial. It wasn't. It gave me a moment. So here's what the two of them are. Okay. And I've been doing it now for a while. And now it's grown into much more than that. Now, the two things that I started out the year with is I am going to drink a half a liter of water before I get up out of my bed. It sits right next to my bed. It's in the bottle right next to me. I drink it. I have not had my feet hit the ground. I've kept the first promise to myself. You're going to think I'm crazy, everyone.

55:19Here's step two. I have to walk into the bathroom and weigh myself. and I get on the scale. I weigh myself and my scale has body fat and bone density and all this other stuff. And I take my calibrations and I take them. I have now been awake for approximately a minute and a half. And I have kept two promises I've made to myself and they're fitness related. And now I've got a little bit of juice and a little bit of metal. Then it added the third day because of the way I'm being not able to move right now. I'm like, what I'm going to do the third day, I said, I'm going to add step three. I'm doing a plank for a minute because it's flat back.

55:55Doesn't hurt my back. I get right on the floor after I weigh myself and I do it. Now I've kept three promises. Now here we are many weeks later. I am now actively back doing things in the gym, testing my body, what I can and can't do. And the biggest thing that changed is I'm starting to feel kind of sexy and jacked again. So guess what? Now my nutrition's changing. I don't want to eat bad. I've got my protein drink and my greens and my water and my blah, blah, blah, and my alkaline and stuff. And all of a sudden I remember this guy. I remember this guy, this dude's disciplined. This dude's a bad-ass.

56:28This dude's strong. This dude keeps promises he makes to himself. And I'm going to tell you everybody something. I'll turn it back over to Brendan, that silliness of a guy who's lifted weights for 35 years. And by the way, I was probably one of the most fit people in the world at 30, 40, and 50 years old to go all the way back to drink your water, weigh yourself and do a plank, right? I went all the way back to that. It's affected every area. My speaking on stage has been better. My podcasts have been better. My self-confidence is better. My energy level is better. And now it's like, I remember this frequency.

57:00And so this stuff can transform everything. Now I'm saying it on the podcast. Why? I'm going to be accountable outside of me now to all of you that you can kind of go on this journey with me this year as you kind of watch show by show me kind of transform back into the person that I was before. And I think a healthier, fitter version. Are there limitations? My back, my heart? Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't become the best version with what I've got right now. So I'm shifting now from internal accountability to external accountability. So that's, I believe, part of the process and for you brendan what's it look like for you like you're worth millions and millions of dollars you have the best growth app in the world you're one of the highest paid speakers in the world you're the influencer to all the influencers you got a world-class marriage like are you still fighting for millimeters on your own confidence and do you struggle with it like if you're trying something new or launching a new this or that yeah man i'm from montana as you know.

58:05I'm a really simple guy. And I think you just gave people a huge unlock. And I'll describe it in a different way. But I think you need two things, basic things for some confidence, like two basic things. You need a plan. And that's what you had. You have a plan. I'm gonna to get that water. I'm going to get that weight. I'm going to get that plank. Okay. I got a plan. And then you need honesty because confidence is built on not just what you do. Do I follow through on my plan? Like that's the stuff of integrity for following through on a plan, the stuff of self-discipline that gives me confidence, but the guts to have honesty about it, to be to be honest i said i'm going to do it i'm going to follow through on that promise as you said and i just know i'm always going to feel more confident if i'm honest with who is showing up each day and i want it to be my best and i know i'm going to be more confident if i have some kind of a plan that i can follow that i that i can do the the less you know structure that i have the more it's easy for my self-doubt to come in.

59:21Sometimes a lot of people to get more confidence and momentum, they really just need that plan. And it can be so simple, which is why I love your example. Like just getting momentum. I'll also say that you shared something that's really important about the concept of power in life. Power, in terms like the second law, power means mass times velocity. velocity is the key. Like getting those quick wins in the morning, quick velocity of momentum is so important. So many people wait until it's, you know, two, three, four, five in the afternoon to do anything. And I always teach our ultra group and our ultra members, I teach them this concept called done by one.

1:00:10By 1 p.m. in the afternoon, so by 1 p.m. your local time, We have done the major, most important priorities of the day. Right. Whatever. If your job is to deliver a presentation, to create something new, to shoot your video, to have that sales meeting, to whatever the most important activities of the day are, that are controlled by you, do them by 1 p.m. Just get them out of the way in the morning. That morning momentum will give you uncommon energy and confidence for the rest of the day. For a lot of people, myself included, confidence is a feeling throughout the day. And if I can get that velocity in the morning of decision making, of follow through, of discipline, but most importantly, doing the things that matter most by one, done by one.

1:01:01Very good. If I'm done by one, it doesn't mean I don't work the rest of the afternoon following up on stuff, doing things, taking those meetings, those calls, doing the DMs. I still got to do dumb paperwork and stuff just like everybody else. But the major needle moving activities of my day are done by one. And so I feel great heading in the afternoon because I follow through on the most important priorities. A lot of confidence is internally saying, can I do the things that matter most in life? Can I do the things that matter most in life? A lot of people never done that. But as you've coached with people, you realize, well, if they'll do what really matters, they get confidence.

1:01:44I know people who are very busy, but they do dumb stuff and they never find confidence because they've never honestly. I know this might sound too productivity, Brendan, here, but if you never got good at prioritization. You'll never feel full confidence. You know, you're right. Most people don't do needle moving things because they're afraid of them. And I really believe early in the day you should do feared things first, not just first things first, because those are the things that probably move the needle. It's the call you don't want to make. It's the meeting you don't want to take. It's a thing you don't want to do.

1:02:22Before we start the interview with my next guest, just want to remind you all that you can subscribe to the show on YouTube or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Listen, I've been taking IM8 for a while, like a couple years. Feel great. Then we moved and I stopped taking it for a little bit. Huge mistake. I could almost feel it immediately. My energy dropped. My focus was gone. It reminded me just how much it had been helping me keep my stuff together. IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine once and for all.

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1:03:39And honestly, I can't think of a better place to start than my closet. And I'm getting compliments. You guys listen to the show. You're like, hey, where'd you get the shirt, Milet? Looks good on you. I got it at Quince. Their clothes are made with premium materials, built to last, and designed to become the ones you reach for every day. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton tees, which I'm wearing right now, and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Everything at Quince is priced 50 % to 80 % less than similar brands, which is why I go there.

1:04:08No markups, no middlemen, right to the dealer. And it's not just the clothing. Quince has my go-to for everything from hotel-quality bedding, bath essentials, premium cookware, travel must-haves. So upgrade your everyday, download the Quince app for exclusive offers, or go to quince.com slash ed. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK. That's quince.com slash ed. So in life, just remember this, you're not going to get your goals most of the time. You're going to get your standards. Long-term, we always get our standards. So what's your standard?

1:04:44The principle of the book is really simple. If you lack self-confidence, we've already covered this. Here's why. You have a terrible reputation with yourself. You have a reputation with yourself that you don't keep the promises you make. So if you want to become baseline functioning, great. Keep the promises you make to yourself. You want to become superhuman, though. That's not the standard. The standard is I do what I say I'm going to do, and I do one more. That's a different standard. I'm going to make 10 contacts today for deals. Nope, I do that and one more. I'm going to do 10 reps on the bench.

1:05:14Nope, I do that and one more. I'm going to tell my daughter I love her today. Nope, I'm going to do that plus one more. You start stacking up the one mores of your life. Not only mathematically are you better, experience are you better, but you shift your matrix, you shift your identity into believing you deserve to get stuff you didn't get before or that other people get because you're doing stuff other people aren't willing to do. So, yeah, I kind of want to jump in on this because I'm a big believer in kind of what you're talking about here because this is something for me over the last year or two.

1:05:45I've had a lot of changes where, I mean, if I could go talk to myself a year ago, I don't think I could ever believe that my current reality is my reality. And so by doing that, I've sort of unlocked like what I know I can be. You know, for me now, setting monetary goals or financial goals or real estate goals aren't really that crazy because I've done way more than I ever thought I could in the last year. So I see a lot of people struggling with this. You know, a lot of my friends that are kind of still working their nine to five jobs. And for me, it's so obvious of like how they can achieve financial freedom.

1:06:22It's so obvious how they could become a millionaire if they wanted to do that, if that's their goal. It's so obvious how they could quit their nine to five by starting a business, but they can't see that. So when we talk about kind of this version of us that we have a bad reputation with ourselves, it kind of sounds like when you're saying one more, should we really be kind of setting like small goals for ourself in hitting those and incrementally getting there versus kind of just pie in the sky? Yes, you're brilliant. Yep, I talk about it in the book, in The Power of One More. Here's the thing.

1:06:52I'm 51 years old. I've been blessed that I'm worth a pretty good chunk of change. I still set my clothes out the night before for the next day. Why do I do something like that? I could have someone do it for me. I also have the time in the morning because it's a commitment I can keep. It seems super small. I make my bed every day. I get up at the time of day I say I'm going to get up. I drink a gallon of water a day. I'm holding it right here in my hand. Why? I can control how much water I put down my pie hole. I can't control whether you say yes to my deal. I can't control interest rates. I can't control the market.

1:07:23So I want to control the things that I can, and I start with very small, manageable things, like when I'm going to train, like when I'm going to work out, like how many contacts I'm going to make, like how many friends I'm going to reach out to in a given day. People say, that's BS. Really? Well, I'm where I am and you're where you are and I want you where I am. And I'm telling you exactly how I did it. I'm one of the very, if I can just say, I'm one of the very rare people in entrepreneurship, in real estate or personal development, who's actually done it. None of my stuff's theory. I don't make money selling you on how to do things I think might work.

1:07:56I've made my money doing these things and so I know that that's what works What do you work on with the top athletes or entertainers ed or politicians when you work with them? Their self-confidence their habits. I have a whole chapter on how to actually build a habit. How do you do that? These are the things I work on with the top people They're the things I worked on when I was the child of an alcoholic boy who had to go to school every day and figure out How not to run out of school. It's the same single things every single day It's the small things. Once you build this reputation with yourself at the small things, you can then point your mind like a weapon at the big things and actually have belief you can do them because you have this reputation and pattern with yourself of doing the little things.

1:08:37Your mind, by the way, cannot distinguish between the big ones and the little ones. It doesn't. It doesn't know the difference. Only you know the difference. And so if you've got this pattern, it's a weapon when you point it at the big ones. So would you say it's almost about setting small commitments versus setting goals? Or do you think they kind of go hand in hand? I write the goal chapter and the standards chapter together. Here's what has to happen. Your goals have to be in alignment with your standards. And so, for example, it's not really a goal of mine to set out my clothes every day. It's a standard.

1:09:09It's not a goal of mine to work out every single day. It's a standard. It's become who I am. Okay. And that's different. A goal is something that's external to me. And I want you to have goals. I have a whole chapter on how to set up goals correctly. But the truth is you're going to get the standard. The standard is, you know what? I train every day. The standard is I drink a gallon of water. The standard is I live by a certain set of principles and values. Those are my standards. You're always going to get those long-term. Always, always, always. And let me say one thing to you. My dad's decision to get sober, this is not in the book, but I just want to give it to you guys on your show because I've said this only one other time.

1:09:48I want everyone to hear me. They go, yeah, that's great for A-Rod or that's great for Michael Chandler, that's great for David and Rob, but like, look, man, I got a job, I'm trying to do my first deal, and I don't have any confidence. I'm not even sure I know completely what I'm doing, right? So this doesn't apply to me. Actually, it does. Let me tell you guys something. The things you're most embarrassed by, most ashamed of, that you think are the most insignificant things about you, are actually the reason you're going to change the world or change your world. My dad's decision to get sober changed our entire family tree forever.

1:10:21I have a chapter called One More Try. My dad tried to get sober about 100 times. He gave it one more try. And then when he got sober, I said, Dad, you going to stay sober the rest of your life? He goes, I don't know. But I know I'm going to stay sober for one more day. And when I thought about quitting many times, I went, you know what? I'm just not going to quit for one more day. Stay with me on this. Two weeks ago, I wake up crying, which is not a manly thing to admit on the Bigger Pockets podcast, right? And I woke up my wife, 3.15. I said, babe, wake up. She says, what is wrong? I said, Mom, honey, someone helped my dad.

1:10:55She said, What? I said, I never thought about it. Someone helped my dad get sober. She went, Oh, my God. I said, Isn't that amazing? This person doesn't even know it, but they changed the world. I reached millions of people. In my dad's darkest moment in some coffee shop or place somewhere, they helped my father in the worst moment of his life. And I said, Babe, here's the nuts part of it. You know what qualified them to help him? They were all screwed up. They were a drug addict and an alcoholic. The things they were most ashamed of, most embarrassed by, the worst moments of their life were the very things that qualified that human being to help my father as a human being in the darkest moments of his life.

1:11:34And it makes me so emotional. There's someone running around this world, if they're still alive, that has changed my great, great grandkids' lives and millions of people I reach every week because they were a drug addict or an alcoholic and they were all screwed up. And so this very thing that you think disqualifies you, you, your experience, your little whatever that you're embarrassed by is the very thing that qualifies you to do something great with your life. Oh, that's that's a I mean, it's amazing thought. And it sort of also ties to not every reward we get in life is going to be financial.

1:12:07That's just another thing to think about. So that person that helped your father, odds are they didn't receive a whole bunch of money from that. But who knows what rewards they have coming in the next life and how impactful that was in other people's life. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Hey, it's Ed Milet. And I wanted to take the time today to talk about one of the invisible traits that I see all super achievers have.

1:12:38And so let me first start by saying I'm a big believer in planning and strategy. I think somebody with a great plan has a better chance of winning than somebody who doesn't have a game plan or a focus and who hasn't begin with the end in mind, you know, from think and grow rich. I believe in all of that. Having said that, one of the invisible things that I see with the top athletes I coach, entertainers, hopefully myself, business people for sure, is this. They have the ability to take immediate, massive action. and the people that I see that are behind them hesitate. They flinch. They think they need to plan a little bit more, strategize a little bit more.

1:13:13They procrastinate. They get around to doing something. One of the muscles I built, anybody on my team will tell you, is I'm like, well, let's just do it now. Let's do it right now. There's a power to now. And I think a lot of people don't understand the vibrational frequency of now. Oftentimes a really great plan that's delayed in its execution, that vibrates at a lower frequency than someone says, let's do it right now. Let's attack it right now. Let's get after it right now. So I want you to write this down this morning, the power of now, the power of taking immediate massive action. Oftentimes, timing matters in business.

1:13:49Rhythm matters in business. It's not always the perfect plan. It's when. And almost always now is better than later. And it's a sign, it's a trait that I see in mega achievers. For example, if there's a phone call that you need to make, make it now. If there's a contact that needs to be done, make it now. If there's an email that needs to be written, do it now. Don't delay. Don't wait. There's a moment of inspiration that happens too when an idea affects you and hits you to take action on it immediately. You ever have maybe a thought of a speech or a text you want to write or a business concept or a way you'd phrase something differently or just an overall thing you should be doing hits you in a moment and then you go, you know what I'm going to do?

1:14:30I'm going to write this down. and you write it down, the idea, exactly as you felt it, and then you revisit it three days later or two days later or six hours later, doesn't it vibrate at a lower frequency? Isn't it less impactful even to you when you read it as opposed to when you had it in the moment? There's something about the moment that vibrates at a high frequency that is more powerful than later. And oftentimes, we wait and delay and write it down and it loses its power. There was a power in the moment. Remember when I met Wayne Dyer? He told me, Ed, do you ever wake up at 2, 3 o 'clock in the morning with a powerful idea, just something that hits you, like an inspiration?

1:15:11And we've all had that happen. And I said, I do. And he goes, what do you normally do? I said, well, usually I go, I'm going to try to remember and I'm going back to sleep. He goes, don't do that. That's the divine awakening you. Write it down. Take action on it. I go, 2, 3 o 'clock in the morning. He goes, yes, I keep a notepad next to my bed. And I write these ideas down immediately. and if I can take action on them, I'll do it at two, three o 'clock in the morning. If it's call so-and-so, text so-and-so, write this in, I'll get up and do it. If it's a chapter in my book, I will get up and write the chapter because there's a power and a vibrational frequency in the moment.

1:15:43That's not just true with content or writing or creating. I've found it's true with almost everything in life. One of my superpowers, I can candidly tell you, is my ability to take immediate massive action when an idea hits me. I don't wait for the perfect moment. Usually the perfect moment is now. The right time to tell somebody that you love, that you love them when you feel it is right now, is right now. The right time to make that contact, right now. The right time to fix that issue with your friend that you're going through right now where it just doesn't feel right or there's some strife, right now.

1:16:17The challenge with your spouse, walk in. Can we fix this right now, please? Now, I know there are some things that are better in life, sitting for a while and diminishing, even if it's like a disagreement. But those things are more rare than they are common. The vast majority of things are better when we take immediate, massive action. So I wanna challenge you today. That call you need to make, make it now. That email you need to send, send it now. That chapter you need to write, that copy, that funnel, do it now. You can always adjust and course correct it later and improve upon it. But if you can get it done now, you can come back later when you were gonna do it and tweak it a little bit with some perspective.

1:16:56But there's nothing like the moment. There's nothing like calling the shot in the moment. And I have to tell you something. This is a common trait. Why? Because these people have more confidence. The reason you're delaying writing that email, doing the chapter, making the contact, fixing the problem, sending out the blog post, is you're afraid. And you think if you wait longer, you'll be less afraid. If you get a little bit more preparation, you'll be more ready. The truth is that's almost never the case. There are some situations where that's true. But by and large, most of the time, people will tell me, hey, you know, so-and-so called and they said, get them on the phone right now.

1:17:33Right? Get them on the phone right now. Let's do it right now. Just right now, this is what I'm doing. I needed to make some content for the week. My team's like, are you available at 1230? But when I go, hey, I'm available right now. And it was my team who said we got to wait a half hour. But I'm like, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I love knocking things off the list because that creates momentum. Why? I have confidence. And the more you do this, ironically, you will develop confidence in yourself to be able to attack things in the moment. Sometimes I say annihilate the problem, fix something in the moment.

1:18:05What you think is you need more information. Successful people are good planners, but let me tell you what they have. They have a lower threshold of what they think to know or how prepared they think they need to be in order to take action. and people that don't win quite at a high level, as high as they could, have a higher threshold requirement in their mind and it's a fallacy of how much preparation and what they need. Now, by the way, you all watch my podcast. I'm a freak about preparation for my podcast. I prepare and I prepare and I prepare. Having said that, at some point, I gotta shoot the podcast.

1:18:43At some point, I gotta, I'll give you an example. I was booking guests yesterday. I'm like, you know what I should do? I should contact Deion Sanders and see if he wants to be on the show You know what I should probably do? I should probably reach out to Roger Goodell from the NFL and see if he wants to be on the show And then I went well, what's going to be different tomorrow or in three hours? How about I just do it right now? And so I did and not only did I do it in that moment But now once that's gone I can do more things in this moment That I was going to be waiting around to do the other thing.

1:19:11Does that make sense? So this is an efficiency. This is a rhythm What I've found is almost more than anything, there's a rhythm to success. There's a rhythm. And when someone gets in that mode of they've got momentum, they've got their mojo going, you've all had it. There's a rhythm and a cadence that gets them going. And if you wait and delay on things, it's impossible to get into that rhythm. But now, now, now, now, now, all of a sudden, you're in that rhythm of success where you're in flow because you're constantly moving. It's almost like a river that should constantly be flowing and running instead of stagnant water.

1:19:52Stagnant water starts to get murky. It starts to smell. It can actually form fungus and mold. And a lot of people's lives in some strange way are kind of like still water. It's not healthy, gathers all this stuff. But a stream that's running all the time is beautiful. And that stream just by its pure force of running all the time in the now creates beautiful things around it and actually opens up the flow of other things in their life because it's constantly flowing in the now. There's a power to now. There's a power to this moment that once it's gone is gone forever. So what I'm saying to you today is take advantage of the present moment, not just being focused in the present, but acting in the present.

1:20:39It's one thing to be, I'm present with you. It's another thing to take an action in the moment, the most powerful time to do almost anything in your life right now. So I want to challenge you to do that today. It's a huge success principle of mega achievers and quite frankly, happy people as well. Very short intermission here, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying the show so far. Don't forget to follow the show on Apple and Spotify. We have all the links in our show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. Now on with the show. Welcome back to the show, everybody. So the topic of today's podcast, we're going to call flip the lens.

1:21:14And I've been waiting a while to put this on the podcast because I've been writing about it. It'll be in my next book, but now I feel like I'm able to articulate the concept. And so I wanted to put it out to all of you in an effort to maybe help you with your personal and your business relationships. I think it's sort of, at least for me, it's been groundbreaking understanding and work. And so first, let me tell you how I stumbled upon this level of understanding and this work, the concept. First, I think it'll make sense for you. And then we'll break it out and sort of extrapolate it into our personal business relationships.

1:21:43So maybe about a year ago, I was at my mom's house, I was visiting. And just for a quick second, I was going to make an Instagram post. So I went to take a selfie picture and I held the camera out. And I went to take the picture, except when I held it up, I don't know if you had this happen. The lens was the other lens. The lens had flipped and the picture wasn't facing me. It was my mom. And I caught this glimpse just of my mom in the other end of my phone, just for a second. I was expecting to see me, but I didn't. I saw her and I saw my mom. And it just struck me looking at my mom through this lens when I was expecting to see it through the lens that would see me.

1:22:23I just had this flash of seeing my mom differently. And ironically, seeing my mom see me, if that makes sense, because she was watching me take this picture. And it flipped the lens. It switched the lens for me instantly to where, let me explain, I saw my mom seeing me, not me seeing my mom. And in a minute, I was just flooded with all these thoughts. What does my mom see of me? Now, obviously, I'm her only son. She loves me. I'm not referring to those kind of things. What's the lens through which my mom has experienced me? And I thought, does she, you know, obviously, she sees me at holidays or whatever, you know, and we talk on the phone.

1:23:11But her lens of life looking at me, and it dawned on me. In life, we see every relationship we're in through our lens, through how we see them and how we see them seeing us. I don't want to get too deep here, but that's completely different than seeing them as they see us. And I thought, what's my mom's experience with her only son? Does she get the time with him that she wants? Is the depth of our conversations to the extent that she would like them to be? Am I in a hurry too often when I see her? Do I take it for granted too often? And then that day, as I was driving away, I started to picture all the relationships in my life that meant something to me through their lens of looking at me.

1:23:52The last time my daughter saw me walk in a room, the last hundred times, how did I respond? What did she see? What was my mood? What were our interactions? What were the topics? How much was laughter? How much was intense? How much was just looking at our phones? And I started to see my daughter and the lens through which she sees me, her conversations, her experiences. Does she see me stressed, worried? Does she worry about me? What are her thoughts about me? Am I too brief? Do I stay on the phone too long? am I helping her? Do I listen to her like I need to? And it flashed to several of my friends.

1:24:25And a lot of those friendships, I thought, well, they're just in maintenance mode. I see them. And when I see them, I see how much I love them and believe in them and think they're awesome and funny. But when they look through their lens at me, do they see a man who loves them, who believes in them, who thinks they're funny, who listens deeply, who cares about them deeply? Do they see that through their lens. It's a trip. When you begin to see other people in your life and just you consciously, when you're with them or you think about them, switch that lens around and look through their eyes at you, you'll learn a lot real quickly.

1:24:59It's actually very humbling. And it's interesting that you could go your entire life, if you didn't hear this or think about it, only seeing life through the lens of your own eyes outward and never flipping it to their eyes outward. And I just thought about so many different relationships in my life, so many of them that I think are going very well, or I'm going to get around to it, or I feel a sense of emotion with this person or depth of friendship. And then I flashed to one buddy of mine and like, wow, the last three times he's replied to me, he called me, I replied with a text. He hasn't even seen me in many months.

1:25:36And when he does see me, what did he see in those conversations? What did he hear about? What did he feel? What did he experience? And as I've said many times, you're always making people feel something. So you should be intentional about what it is they're feeling, but they're also seeing and hearing things all the time as well. It's a very interesting way that we go through this life, almost in this projection, almost in this dimension that we live inside ourselves, and we see everything from our perspective, but we almost never stop and see it from theirs. And this isn't the old adage of put yourself in their shoes.

1:26:12I'm saying put yourself in their lens. What do they see, feel, hear, and experience from you? It'll shock you how much you overestimate some relationships, the depth of them, and the extent to which they feel the things you assume they feel from you or about you. And then I switched it from that to my business relationships. Some of the people I'm in business with that I have in maintenance mode. You know exactly what I mean. But the last 20 times my assistant saw me walk into the office. What did she see? Did I stop and talk? What was her lens? Did I ask about her children? Was there a depth of exchange there?

1:26:51Was I in a hurry? Did she see me stressed? Did she see me worried? Was I caring and kind or was I rude and flippant or short? it. And then I thought, now take that last one and the one before that and the one before that. What about the last 30? What's the lens that she sees me through? People that I'm in negotiations with now, I stop and think, what's their lens? What are they seeing? What are they feeling? What are they experiencing before this conversation and after? And it's absolutely changed the way that I interact with people. It's made me connect more deeply. It's made me care more deeply.

1:27:26It's made me more conscious and intentional about my interactions with people. And frankly, in many senses, somewhat ashamed of how maintenance mode so many relationships have been in, how passive I've been, the lack of depth, the surface level conversations, how I'm brief with certain people, how certain people have seen me in stress the last four times they've seen me. And it changes you deeply. It certainly has changed the way that I look at my relationship with my mom probably most. I'm her son, so she loves me, but do we have conversations as friends? Do I know her as an individual outside the family, or do I just know her as mom?

1:28:14I caught my mom saying to me the last three or four times we talked, thank you for calling me. and I thought my mom shouldn't have to thank me for calling her. I didn't feel right about that. And so this lens thing is fascinating. That was a great conversation. Be sure to follow the Ed Milet Show on Apple and Spotify. Links are in the show notes. You'll never miss an episode that way. The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better.

1:28:52Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about EBCLIS? EbGliss Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema. Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies, EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids.

1:29:36Don't use if you are allergic to EbGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EpGliss. Before starting EpGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EpGliss and visit epgliss.com or call 1-800-L Lilly-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. I got him right there. That's Goggins, everyone. Number one requested guest. You don't know this for my show the last two years is you really yeah yeah really honored honored and i gotta tell you the best by far off-camera conversation i have ever had is what we've been having i think you would agree it's been good for you too it's been good for both of us it's been real good and hopefully that'll transition over to to the show itself but this this is a gentleman who completed navy seal training army ranger training air force tag p training i believe he's the only person in history to do that.

1:30:35Yes, sir. This is a guy who did three hell weeks, 60 plus ultra marathons, running with broken bones for 30 miles to get into one of the mega ultra marathons. And a lot of people call him the toughest man alive. But I'm excited because I get to call him my friend now. I've enjoyed this conversation so much. And I think you guys are going to join the on camera one. So this is Goggins, everybody. I appreciate you having me, man. Thank you. Thank you. So this whole thing that you did, you get out where I can't cover the whole military, I think because I want them to read the book, right? But then you're like, hey, you really never done any of this before, but this is sort of the formula of what we're talking about.

1:31:11Then the military thing ends, and then you're like, yeah, I'm going to go like run, I'm going to do the Badwater 135. My cardio was 20 minutes every Sunday on the elliptical trainer. Okay. That was it. So I'm looking at all these different races, and one comes up, number one, the hardest race in the world bad water 135 135 mile race through death valley i'm like that sounds fucking nuts but i did but it didn't describe that it was a like a couple day race i'm thinking okay that has to be like a seven day race because i don't know people who run like that so i end up calling chris costman up chris costan is the race director of bad water and he lives out here in california He's like, hey, man.

1:31:56I'm like, hey, Chris. I call him up in the first conversation. I actually have all the emails in my book from me and him going back. He's a fucking stickler, man. I'll tell you that. So I call him up. I said, hey, man, I'm going to do this race. He's like, have you ever run 100 miles before? I'm like, no. He goes, well, to get my race, you have to do 100-mile race. And you got to do 100 miles in 24 hours or less. There was only two more races I could do before the deadline dropped. And so I'm like, he goes, you live in San Diego, right? I'm like, yeah. This was Wednesday. I call him up on a Wednesday morning.

1:32:29He goes, well, there's a race on Saturday. And it's called a San Diego One Day at Hospitality Point in San Diego, where you run around a one-mile track for 24 hours, so many miles you can get. So I'm like, fuck it, man. This guy's kind of calling me out. I'm going to get this shit done. I'm a SEAL. I'm a badass. Been through ranger school and shit. I got this. hardest thing i did my entire life dude was this one race so i go harder than than getting through hell yeah wow i was not prepared okay at all so i go i sign up for the race i show up i'm this big bodybuilder looking guy shirt off black hat on you know and i'm i set out so every mile i'm gonna see this blue lawn chair.

1:33:19I had Ritz crackers and Milplex. That was my fucking nutrition, man. No water, no nothing. No water? No. Ritz crackers and Milplex, dude. Come on. I never drink water on runs and shit. I didn't fucking know about all this shit. So I go out there and I'm running. I get through 50 miles. I'm going to cut to the chase because I detail it really well in the book. I get going. I sit down at mile 70. and buddy i hadn't sat down yet i sit down and everything falls the fuck apart literally man i'm like peeing blood down my leg i have some crap coming out of me and i got 30 fucking miles to go and i'm in the worst shape of my entire life and so i won't get too deep into it man but i end up going back through my cookie jar and i talk about you know my cookie jar is basically something I invented about we forget how badass we are when we're suffering.

1:34:18Because our mind just stays right there in suffering. The cookie jar is a reminder. You know how your mom used to have the cookie jar. You don't know what kind of cookie you're going to get. But it may be oatmeal raisin, maybe chocolate chip meat. Because she just dumps them in that motherfucker. You just grab one and go. So my cookie jar is the things I've accomplished, failed at, didn't fail at, just kept on grinding through. So I take this one second, I calm down. I realized okay man I gotta be able to just stand up first I'm all dizzy and lightheaded and I go through this process and I said I might quit but not yet I go this is the worst shape of my life so I said I might quit because when you're not going to quit something you got 30 miles to go your mind spazzing like I'm fucked up like I like 30 miles a long way to go just fresh I've already gone 70 I'm the worst shape of my life I'm like okay so I'm giving my mind some space because if you don't give it space it's just gonna freak out something you know I'm gonna quit but let me just sit here for a second and drink some water now I'm drinking water I have my crew going over to get some fucking you know nutrition some some food for me I'm getting better so now I stand up like wow maybe to stand up now because I wasn't able to I was all lightheaded now I'm going on this track and I get to mile 81 now wasn't gonna make the time I was moving slow.

1:35:36You're behind time. Way behind. Okay. And this is the craziest thing in the world. And I fucking shit you not. I'm in the worst shape of my entire life. Ever. I've never even been close to this. Again. Never. I'm at 81. I'm not going to make the time as slow as I was moving. And when your body and mind connect. And I think this is the only time I've ever done this. you become a cyborg. I end up running 20 miles at about a 10, 15 mile and get done with that race. I did 101 miles in 19 hours and six minutes. And to this day, and I don't detail it well with you, but in the book I do, I learned more from that 19 hours and six minutes than I did in all three Hell Weeks.

1:36:34Oh, my God. Ranger School, and this is months. Ranger School is 60-something days. Hell Week and all of Bud's is six months. I was in Bud's for like 18 months. You know, I went through Delta IV selection twice, you know, pull-up records. I learned more in that one race that I wasn't prepared for. That 19 hours brought me from utter misery, happiness, failure, success, depression. I went through every fucking emotion in the world in 19 hours. And you should hear how the race ended. Then I really took a shit on myself. I got in that blue chair when the race ended. And I literally, it just was over.

1:37:16I was in the worst shape of my life. I got in the tub and they put the shower, or she put the shower on me. The shower just hit me as I'm laying in the tub in the fetal position. And what came out of me looked like dirt as I'm peeing. It's not even blood. This is dark brown dirt. And I'm sitting there and she calls my mom. And my mom has a doctor friend over her house. And this guy's one of the best doctors in the country. And he's like, you need to get him to the doctor now. So what I'm about to tell you, he's going to fuck you up. So I'm sitting there and I think I'm going to die. And worst shape of my life.

1:37:56And I'm in this tub and I'm jackhammering. and I had this hot water hitting me and I'm literally in the worst pain. My shins, my feet, I'm broken. And I'm just sitting, I'm cramping up. And she said, we gotta get you to the doctor. You know, your mom's worried, I'm worried about, we've never seen this before in my life. And I go, I'm not going anywhere. I wanna sit here and enjoy this pain. and I know the listeners hearing this are going to say man you're a fucking nut no I'm not what I got a chance to experience in that 19 hours and 6 minutes of my life was something I didn't want any painkillers this was proof positive what I was feeling is what I just did I did something without training without coaching without a cheering staff without any knowledge I took a raw human being with no training whatsoever put him out in a condition and just through this alone got through it and I sat there and I was like this is it was the best feeling I've ever had and will ever have in my entire, I was in the worst pain in my life.

1:39:26And it was the best feeling I ever had in my life. Not because of the pain I was in, but the pain was confirmation of my God, did I just do that? And I had completed hell weeks. But that right there was like, don't take this from me. Man. And it was confirmation, proof positive that this young kid that came from shit that wasn't shit that lied and cheated for i was now the truth god i was now the truth i was a navy seal i went through army ranger school as honor man i went through all this shit i i was truth i became truth there was no more lie and what's funny about all that is the people in my life who were in my life when I was bad and I call it bad when bad I had a fucked up way to go man they want to they're still out there and it was a fuck I'm saying I could drop names on them they want to take me back there they're mad that I'm here yes they wouldn't still make me out to be what I was they don't like the fact that they're still where the fuck they're at.

1:40:45That's right. They hate that. So on this journey in life, there's a lot of people who are fucked up right now. On the journey, there's always be that motherfucker in the sewer you came from that's grabbing at your fucking ankle as you're leaving that sewer. That's when it drags you right the fuck back down because you figured it out. They're not willing to figure it out. There's not much to figure out. The only thing to figure out is this. And everybody has a different equation. My equation is different than yours. My equation was very different than most people's. And it's not about being sadistic.

1:41:23It was just about that that right there was kind of like the moment of my life where I realized I don't like to say that I've arrived. Because you never want to have that I've arrived mentality because you stop. But that was the moment that I realized that I was.

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