Master The Most Powerful Form of Communication

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1:48This is The Admirate Show. Welcome back everybody. You know we talk a lot on this program about communication and one of the things we've not covered that is such a critical part of communication and maybe more important even what you say is your ability to listen to people It's a huge part of communication You know I've taught you before that people don't respond to what they hear or see they respond to how they feel when they interact with you And one of the best ways to make somebody feel good is that they feel listened to and that they feel heard And it's one of the skills that I struggle with the most, which is why I'm so excited to cover this with you today.

2:26Because, quite frankly, it's something that I've struggled with myself, is my ability to just be present and to listen to people. And so, like many of the shows, I'm excited to teach these things to you for your own benefit. But it also helps me in owning this material. And, frankly, anything you teach to people, you end up owning more yourself. And so, very, very excited to cover this with you here today. And like I said, it's not something I've been very good at my entire life as being a great listener. So, I want to get right into it. And what caused me to do the show today is really two things.

2:53I had someone join me on my jet a few weeks ago on a pretty long flight, and there was a group of people, but one particular guy who's an entrepreneur, and I won't say who he is, but he spent a three-hour flight with me on my jet. So he spent about three hours with me, about a foot and a half from me. And for three straight hours, he did not ask me one question about myself. He did not listen to one thing I had to say, didn't ask me for any advice, and he talked about himself for three hours. This is somebody prior to that flight that I really liked I was struck and so were other people in the fight than when they landed and I don't mean that I'm a big deal or anything like that But they were shocked why a rising entrepreneur Wouldn't take advantage of the time of being with me to ask me questions I think most of you if we spent three hours together You'd probably want to ask me a question or two and he did not ask me one single question And he talked about himself and his life and his background and what he had achieved and what he was going to achieve and what he was good at and all those things.

3:48And it was probably true. But I found myself when the flight was over, quite honestly, not liking him quite as much as I did before the flight. Because people don't like to hear about you all the time. People want to feel heard. They want to feel listened to. And he didn't do any of that the entire flight. Plus the fact, he didn't learn anything that flight. So remember this. I know there's the old adage that you have two eyes and two ears and one mouth for a reason. And you ought to use them in that ratio. But really, you should use your mouth even less. And so two things happened on that flight.

4:19One, he didn't get anything out of it. He didn't learn anything. And two, it made the people around him, quite frankly, not care for him to the extent they could have because he's a really good guy, but he just talked the entire time. And I don't think he did it out of ego. I think he did it because he was nervous. And so that's one thing I want you to check in the very beginning. When you get nervous, I do, when you get nervous, do you begin to talk more? One of the great things about my show is that I've had to learn to listen more. And people say all the time, one of the reasons they like my shows, I seem so excited and so interested in what people are saying because I sincerely am.

4:49I've learned that being a great listener is easier than being a great talker because being a great listener, the pressure is off you to come up with the perfect thing to say, right? The perfect response, the perfect phrase that sounds smarter or better than somebody. You don't have to do that when you're a great listener. And people's favorite topic, number one, remember this, people's favorite topic is themselves. They love to talk about themselves. One of the things I've found over and over in my life, and my friends get a kick out of this, but when I play golf, you'll spend four or five hours with somebody when you're on a golf course.

5:18Oftentimes, my friends will tell me, man, Dave really liked you, Ed. He really enjoyed the time with you, Eddie, so much, but he doesn't know anything about you. One of the reasons they like me so much is I don't talk about myself. I love to talk about them. I love to ask questions about them. It's interesting. When we're done, they really, really like me, and they know nothing about me. and they wonder why they like me. But the reason they like me is I allowed them to talk about themselves. Plus the fact, the way I look at life, I already know about me. I'm not gonna learn anything else by talking about myself.

5:47I'm gonna learn by asking them questions about them. And so I think being a great listener has lots of benefits. One, people will like you more. Two, you're going to learn more. Three, it takes the pressure off you. And so listening skills are so critical. And even as we cover this, you may say, I'm a great listener. Well, let's go through some things and see how good we all are. because even on my show, I'll be honest with you, I watch replays back of my show, and I interrupt too much. I jump in too much. I finish people's sentences for them too often. And that's an ego thing, almost like I think I can say it better than them.

6:17In fact, I'm so bad at it, I'll be honest with you. Before every show, I tell them, hey, this isn't like any other interview you've been on before. I'm gonna interrupt you, you can interrupt me. We'll make it like a real conversation. And all of my guests always politely say, wonderful, that's great, I want you to cut me off. But the truth is, that's not how a great conversation goes. It's not two people interrupting each other all the time. It's one person talking another person listening until they're finished speaking and then responding So this is something I'm not very good at and so I teach this to you today not being critical of you But knowing that it's something I'm gonna have to get better at myself.

6:49So here we go Let's talk about some critical steps of being a great listener You know, there's this thing that's out there too that says hey when you're speaking to a woman She doesn't want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to listen to her You've all heard this before right men. That's different. Let me tell you none of this stuff is gender specific It's not true at all. Nobody wants you to solve their problem, necessarily. Not right away. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be listened to. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. So just please remember that. This is not gender specific.

7:19Men and women aren't different on this. Men like to be heard as well. Men like to be important. Men like to be funny. Men like to be interesting. Men want to share their ideas and thoughts and worries and fears with other people just like women do. So remember this. You don't always want to just go solve their problem right away. Next thing is this. Always be asking people for understanding so that when they say something, when they're finished speaking, ask them, so what I think you're saying is, or what I'm hearing is, or clarify this for me, because this shows how deeply you were listening when you ask for clarification.

7:52And what I'm hearing is, by the way, when you say the sentence to somebody, so what I'm hearing is, that lets them know you were hearing them, that you were listening to them. So as I was listening to you, this is what I understood. Help me understand. Clarify for me. Because this gives a deeper sense you were listening to somebody. The next thing is what I'm doing right now with you. Make eye contact. Look right at them when you're talking to them. Don't be distracted. Don't look around. Don't look at your phone. The way you tell me I'm important is by looking at me. I have a significant person in my life, and one of the things that drives me crazy is I'm always saying, are you listening to me?

8:24And she's always like, yes, of course I'm listening to you. And I'm like, well, could you look at me and let me know you're listening to me? I'm not going to say who that is either. But we all have that person in our life who they're listening, but they don't know to let us know they're listening. One of the best ways you can do that is by just looking right at somebody, nodding with them when they say something you agree with, right? Smiling when it's funny, like giving a normal response. You'd say, well, this is basic stuff. You'd be surprised how often you look away, how often you're not focused.

8:55The next thing is check your body language. Are you leaning in? Are you welcoming? Are you warm? Or are your arms crossed when you're talking to somebody? See, I have this tendency when I'm really listening, I get really drawn in. One of the things I do is I get very serious. And I almost begin to grimace and make a face because I'm so interested. I'm in deep thought. But what happens is my visual on my face doesn't indicate to them that I'm enjoying what they're saying or that I'm listening very deeply. So make sure that Your facial expression, this may seem basic, but your facial expression matches the moment, matches the emotion.

9:30Some other people do something different. They're always smiling when something very serious is being said. That's not an appropriate facial expression, and it looks like you're not listening or it disconnects the connection, if you will, no pun intended, between you and that person. Check your facial expressions. Make sure you're looking at them. Check your physiology and your body language.

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11:17Oh, really? Almost like I want to jump in and get my point in before they're finished. Or I want to sound smarter. Or if I don't say it now, I'm going to forget to say it. Probably the number one weakness in my ability in listening to people is my desire and tendency to jump in before they finish their thought. And what that says is my thoughts more important than yours. My needs are more important than you. I'm done listening to what you're saying. Be careful to say things like this when they're talking. Uh-huh, right, got it, yeah, wow, mm, because what that does is it's called a nudge. You're nudging them along verbally to finish.

11:52It's like, hurry up, I got something to say. Uh-huh, right, and that nudges them verbally. I used to think that those were things I was saying that confirmed what they were saying, but it was really what was really happening is I would nudge. Better is that when they're done, you say, wow, or that's interesting, or you at least respond when they're finished. All responses are wonderful once they're finished speaking, but don't do the verbal nudges that get them to speed up and finish. Don't finish sentences for people next. It's another thing I do. They'll be saying something, and they'll be struggling for a word, and I give them the word.

12:23Let them find the word. It's their word, not yours. And you're stealing control of the conversation from them and making them feel like you're not listening to them. Don't finish their sentences. Don't give them better words. Don't talk over them. Don't interrupt them. These are all things that we all kind of do from time to time when we get excited I'm not suggesting if someone doesn't make an incredible point that you don't begin to laugh or jump in When it's your pattern with somebody you're not being a good listener. Also use acknowledgement statements when they're done. I agree. That's wonderful That's amazing Congratulations, like do things like that that acknowledge what they said because when you acknowledge what they've said They feel open.

13:01That's an invitation to say more but when you don't acknowledge what they've said you don't give a statement to it when they're done, then they don't feel comfortable continuing to speak. And so ask probative questions. So when you ask somebody, for example, if they're new to you, do you have kids? They say, yes, I do. A follow-up question is what are their names? What are their ages? Begin to learn the volley of follow-up questions. The more specific questions you ask, the more what I call follow-up questions, the more and more interested you appear to somebody. Let me give you one more huge thing of being a great listener.

13:32Where appropriate, it, you touch somebody. So when they're talking, if they're leaning in, it's an emotional and you grab their hand or you touch their knee. Or when they're finished speaking, you shake their hand or hug them or pat them on the shoulder. And by the way, this has to be appropriate, right? Especially when you're talking about different genders. Be very careful of this. But one of the ways you anchor in, I'm listening to you, is with a touch. It anchors in the emotion. So I'll often be careful when I shake their hand of touching them or touching their shoulder or hugging them when we're done or patting them on the shoulder or knee or something like that that just acknowledges I'm hearing you.

14:05If it's a guy, maybe it's a fist pump or a high five, right? But it acknowledges the listening and it encourages them to continue. So that is a little bit gender specific, but I just want to reinforce to you that that just shows you're listening. Then there's a series of questions I think you should ask yourself, just sort of a checklist of whether or not you're a great listener. So ask yourself this, in conversations you have, do you intend to do more or less talking than the other person. This is a huge one for me, especially in business or even in social as well. Do I talk more than them in the conversation?

14:35If I've come out of a good conversation, I've talked less than the other person has talked. Man, is this a difficult one for me, particularly when you're in a position of authority with somebody, when they're asking you a lot of questions and you're just answering. Make sure you're feeding questions back to them. A great conversation is at least a 50-50 split, but I think the best of them, they've talked more than me. That way I think I've given them more of my emotion and caring and concern than they've given to me. So ask yourself, what are your ratios in your average conversations? This is true, by the way, in everything.

15:06In your business meetings, in your sales meetings, with your children, with your spouse, with your friends, with someone you're comfortable with for 30 years and someone you've met for 30 seconds. Who talks more in your exchanges? Number two, when you don't understand what they're saying, do you ask them questions? This is such a huge form of connection with people. Oftentimes, if we don't understand something somebody said, we don't ask them a question about it because it may make us look not so smart or not very prepared. But the way that you really indicate I'm listening to you is, hey, can you help me understand this?

15:39And you ask for understanding. I didn't understand what that word meant. Or I'm not sure who Bill is that you're referring to. Bill who? When you begin to ask questions of understanding, the connection deepens with that person. Another question to ask yourself is when you're in a conversation with somebody, Do you often try to figure out what they're going to say before they finish saying it? This is an indication that you're not present with them when you're listening and you're trying to get them to finish speaking so that you can jump in and say your very important thing. So don't be trying to project forward what they're about to say because that means you're not listening in the present and there's a disconnect when you do that.

16:13So ask yourself this. Do I often or ever try to project forward what they're going to say before they've said it? Next, do you find yourself just not paying attention when somebody's speaking to you? I mean, maybe you are looking around or do you find yourself just thinking about other things when people speak to you? This is a value issue. It really means that these other things are more important to you than what this person is saying. And when you begin to build a habit and a pattern of truly not paying attention. One of the reasons I enjoy my interview so much, and quite frankly, my connection with my guests are so long lasting after the program, is because I am so interested in what they're saying.

16:48And I'm interested in what all people are saying. If you were my Uber driver, I think my Uber drivers would tell you, man, this guy is overly interested in what I'm saying. And my cameraman, Mike, is nodding right now because he's been in enough Ubers with me to know. I talk to everybody. I think people are gifts, and I believe the way you open them up is by asking them questions. And so I don't care if you're a server in a restaurant, my Uber driver, a guest on my show who's worth a billion dollars, or the top athletes in the world, my pattern of conversations with people is very similar. I'm interested in what they're saying sincerely.

17:19and I think you should just begin to ask yourself that question. Are you sincerely interested in what they're saying? Because they can feel this intuitively. Another thing to ask yourself is in a conversation, can you intuitively sort of tell the difference between what somebody is saying and what they really feel? Why is this so important? Because oftentimes people wear social masks with us, don't they? And they'll tell us things, frankly, that just aren't true or don't completely confirm the way they're feeling about something. And so a deeper, deep level of listening is you can almost feel what they really sense about something or what they're really feeling, not just listening to the words.

17:53This is a way of connecting with someone. They don't even know you're connecting with them, but their words don't match their feelings. And when you can connect with their real feeling, man, have you not only got influence over them, but most importantly, you've got a connection with them. Next one, in conversations with people, do you find yourself finishing their sentences or supplying them with better words? Don't do that. I have this mistake sometimes where I finish their sentence for them, right? And I think, oh, we're connecting. I'm with you. That's not what it does. It disconnects you from somebody.

18:21When you use a better word or a different word, they say, you know what? I really was just really sad. Oh, you were just really bummed out then, huh? You've rephrased something for them.

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19:01Another way of listening the wrong way, I think, is do you sometimes only hear the facts and details they're given and not listening for the emotion behind it? Just listening for the emotion from somebody gives you a much deeper level of connection with them than just listening to the facts and figures. This is important, especially in sales, when someone's giving you facts and figures back. If you can connect with the emotion of it, big, big difference. Lastly, do you struggle with seeing things from that person's perspective, like really connecting with them, really empathizing with them, really believing in them?

19:32This is so important when you're listening to somebody, is to really try to connect with their point of view. Because the way you help influence me is, if I can meet you where you are, I can take you where we need to go. But if I can't meet you where you are by letting you use your words, your emotions, listening for the emotion behind it, really listening for your point of view. Maybe you sell cars, for example, this person's had a really traumatic time buying cars in the past. They're very skeptical about it. You've got to be able to see it from their point of view. This is true with getting your children to behave differently or interacting with your spouse.

20:04It's critical that you meet with them where they are and take them where you're going. So why are all these skills so important, especially from a business perspective? Because this has been very detailed, very granular. The reason it's so important is because to really influence somebody, they have to trust you. And the way you do that is by building rapport with them. So one of the things I used to do incorrectly is I brought all this massive energy. You ever heard people say, you got to bring the most energy. The highest energy person does win. But the way that you really influence somebody is by connecting with them and listening and then matching them physically and their tonality as well.

20:37So when I talk back with somebody, I listen for their tonality. I listen to the volume of their voice, the pace of their voice, how they speak. I begin to try to match by listening to them the words they use, the tonality they use, and the volume they use. If they use a certain set of words from time to time, if you were listening closely, if you then use some of those same words back to them, you connect. So this is a form of influence. If this person sort of repeatedly used the words literally, literally, literally, you've heard that word three or four times, when I'm then going to be saying my stuff back then to influence them, I'm going to use the word literally.

21:13This is a connection word. It's part of the words they love. When I use words they love, I can influence them. This is a huge thing in influence, in closing, in moving people to make decisions that are best for themselves. If they talk at a pace like this, just like I'm talking at this pace right now, and I'm talking like this very fast, I break connection and we can't have rapport. So I want to listen for the pace that they speak at, the cadence, also the tonality. You know, they talk kind of hunched over and quiet. I want to talk like that and a little bit better. If they talk at a certain volume, if they talk like this, I don't want to talk like this.