THIS 1 THING MADE US MILLIONS! w/ Jamie Kern Lima

27:16And here's what happened, Ed. And this is for everybody listening. When we have low self-worth, even when we don't realize it. we get confused about a few things in life that are key. We get confused when we do not feel we are enough as we are. Attention starts looking like love. External significance starts looking like success. Validation from others starts looking like worthiness. And I was missing all of those things that I thought were love and worthiness and the way it manifested in my life is I drove to the biggest city I've never shared this before I drove to the biggest city about an hour and a half away drove to didn't even know what I was gonna do frankly I was just like you know stopped at an adult entertainment club also known as a strip club walked inside saw all of these waitresses and these black pants and white shirts and And then all of these dancers, not wearing anything.

28:26I remember the first time I walked in, there was like 30 or so patrons, men sitting in the audience. And I talked to a waitress there. And she told me like she makes a few hundred bucks a shift selling sodas. They didn't even have alcohol there. Selling sodas. And I literally applied for a job and got hired that day in the strip club. And I would waitress all week at Denny's and I'd drive up there on the weekends. and then I waitress in the strip club now wearing black pants a white shirt but thinking huh maybe I'll also dance right and in that club for me in that moment two big two big things one attention I was confusing attention with love I started dating someone who works who is a patron of the club and I remember there's this moment where he took me to a firing range and I'm out in the middle of nowhere in some city.

29:25I don't know anybody in with this dude. I barely know holding this gun at a firing range and we're shooting targets. And I remember it was so loud and I was like, huh, okay. Like he loved it. You know, I love hobbies like that. And I was just like, I was more scared than I was interested at that point. And I remember just sort of losing connection with him over time. And eventually one night he drove me home from the strip club about an hour and a half back to my college apartment and I decided to break up with him. And in that moment, I remember looking in the back of his Jeep and seeing all of these guns and just going, what am I doing with my life?

30:04Like, what am I doing with my life? You even made sure the door was unlocked. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was like going through my head, like, you know, cause when I, when I broke up with him, he got really quiet and I got really scared and I was like, what what am I doing with my life? And I was like making sure the door wasn't locked because I had to dive out in the middle of the highway. Like it was so scary. And I remember he dropped me off at my college apartment and we never spoke again. But that moment was a low for me in the sense where I was like, what am I doing with my life? And, you know, you often talk about the thermostat example that, you know, if we believe we're 75 in identity or self-worth and things go lower, you know, we'll warm it back up a little bit.

30:45and at that moment um you know a couple big things happen in my life that i share in the book that helped me start to build self-worth and to believe i'm enough uh but but here's what i want to say there's a lot of things like this and others that i share in the book because i could have gone okay no one in my family has ever gone to college or i've done these kind of things or hung out with these kind of people. I talk in the book about getting arrested for the first time and dating a guy who stole cars all the time. 14 years old. Yeah. And what it was like to be booked into juvie and just like all of these things where I could have said to myself like, oh, you know, all the things I've done that are bad means I'm bad.

31:34And that's one of the biggest lies we are so tempted to tell ourselves. all the things in my past that I'm embarrassed of or ashamed of or mortified of or the mistakes I made or whatever it might be mean I'm a mistake and it's a lie and it's we attach these labels to ourselves of a whole chapter in worthy called labels and how we believe these light labels someone else has said about us or that we've stuck on ourselves we believe they're permanent and we let them take root but they're not they're like post-it notes with that light adhesive you can peel them right off. Right. And I go through how to do that, but I could have doubted myself out of my own destiny.

32:13Right. A lot of people, if they Google my story, you won't find any of this. What you find is, Oh, you know, Denny's waitress builds billion dollar company. She's on the Forbes list. She taught a class with Oprah this year. You see all that. And you, and you might think like, Oh, things like that happen to other people, not people who have made so many mistakes like I have or not people who have been through what I've been through or and and I just I finally decided to keep some of the stuff in the book because this book is not about me it's for every single person who has some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill and here's the thing I want to say to Ed about this is I believe every person listening I believe our steps are ordered I believe our lives are divinely orchestrated and let me tell you something right now when I built it cosmetics when we have millions and millions and millions of paying customers in the US and built this whole movement like it was not an accident I worked in a strip club it wasn't an accident I waitress to Denny's it wasn't an accident that I was selling in the health club and understood what it's like to love someone else at the expense of loving myself I believe because what I learned that my friends who work with me in the strip club and the adult entertainment club.

33:29My friends there are the same as my friends sitting next to me in my college classes, as the professors teaching, as the people waitressing with me at Denny's, as the now fellow CEOs and fellow billionaires I know, right? They're the same. At our core, we all want to know we're enough, that we're worthy of love and belonging. Every one of us, we're the same. I'm never been more proud of you the reason I'm just sitting here watching you is like I read it I was proud of you but to see you talk about it's even another level to have to verbalize it I think and I just hope everyone gains some measure of hope you know that who would have pictured this girl who's working at the the the fitness club dating a guy basically double her age and you're gonna go don't worry someday young lady you're gonna to reach millions of people on stages and inspire them to change your life.

34:27And then fast forward a little bit, and you're with this dude you meet in a strip club that you're working at, and just, you're not treating yourself, betraying yourself, to use your words earlier. You say, don't worry, young lady, someday you're gonna sell your company for over a billion dollars. I just hope all of you gain some hope from this, and that if you have somebody in your life who's currently making a mistake, or not living true to their integrity or their character, send them this interview. Have them go get the book. Have them go to worthybook.com forward slash ed. Have them go there and hear this story, because it's one thing, Denny's waitress, too, exiting for a billion dollars, how inspiring.

35:09She must be perfect. She just worked hard as a waitress. No, there's some mess in there. And your mess does not disqualify you. And I think the other reason it's so powerful, Rory said this first on the show, and you and I talk about it a lot, too, but you're most qualified to help the person or people you used to be. If you used to be so perfect, who are you here to help? But all of you just realize that this woman who's built this remarkable life, she's literally one of the most admired women currently living on Earth. She is one of the most admired women, one of the most admired people on the planet right now.

35:42She's the person in my life outside of family that I admire the most, right? To think that at some point she was dating some dude double her age, working in a gym, getting attention, letting him date other women that she would see the other women he was dating. It wasn't like he was hiding it. Then she goes to work at a strip club. And before that she was arrested at 14 years old. This is not perfect little Jamie that everybody thinks they know. This is someone who's a flawed human being who's worked on her worthiness and has the pathway to do it in her life. One of the big things you've done, Bella, my daughter, wants to get into, I think, to my financial company.

36:21And I said this to her before I read your work, and that's why I was running in. I want to talk about this topic, because when you already don't feel worthy, and then you get rejected, oh, wow, right? And you've dealt with so much rejection in your life. You've always had some body image issues in your life. And when Bella decided she wanted to do fun, she got her license, and she said, Daddy, I'm going to be great. I'm in sales. I can motivate. And I said, my biggest concern, Bella, is how you deal with all of the rejection you're going to get. It's the killer in sales, not just life. In sales, if you can't deal with rejection, you're toast.

36:54In life, we frame rejection wrong. And you say in the book, I'm going to let you word it your way, but if you can change your relationship with direction, you have these great sayings that people will remember. I'm going to let you say them. But talk about that. You already don't feel worthy, most of us, right? Then rejection comes in. To me, that's like the shovel on the face of burying someone's dreams is rejection. Unless what? So, yeah, rejection. So I'm so emotional. Me too. So emotional. Me too. Rejection. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. In the book, In Worthy, I go into like 20 tactical tools you can apply to your life right now to build self-worth.

37:32And chapter two, that was almost, it's so tactical. It was its own book. Yeah. It was its own book. And I didn't want to wait two more years for it to come out. So it's literally now a chapter in Worthy called when you change your relationship with rejection, you change your entire life. And I go deep in a framework in it called the four R's. And this is life changing because, as you know, everything in life is just the meaning we attach to it. Right. It's the story we tell ourselves about. It's the meaning we attach to it. It is possible. And I know because I've done it, as you mentioned, like I went years.

38:07A lot of people see the success of it cosmetics, but the first three years, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of rejections, everyone telling me that this wasn't going to make it saying, no, they didn't want me in their stores. Like we almost went bankrupt a number of times. We didn't pay ourselves for over three years. I mean, and most of us give up after one rejection or 20 rejections, right? I've done a lot of things wrong in building that business. But one of the things I did right was I learned how to change my relationship with rejection and become fearless over it. So really quick, do you want me to take everyone through this framework?

38:40Okay, because you could do this with Ed and I right now live. So let me just start with this question, and I want you to answer it honestly, okay? Honestly, when I say imagine yourself getting rejected or you failing at something, what is the first thought you have when you get rejected or you fail at something? And be really honest. Sometimes we think it. We don't even realize we're thinking it. what's that first thought you have when you get rejected or you fail for me most of my life it's like yep there's proof I'm not enough proof again I'm not enough what has it been for you I want to hide I want to hide yeah I don't want to hide I want to hide you know when I ask you know I've asked small groups this question and oh my gosh the things people say just at home to know you're not alone a lot of people like oh yep I'm stupid I shouldn't have even tried what was I even thinking I'm a loser I don't have what it takes I'm unqualified right whatever your first thought you just had is that is the first R called reveal and it is your current definition of rejection so whatever that first thought you had is I want to hide I'm stupid I'm a loser I'm not enough that is your current definition of rejection that is the meaning you assign to rejection and now here's the thing as human beings we are wired to avoid pain at all costs right like it's why for some of us we won't even go to the gym because we know there's pleasure in the outcome and the health and the wellness, but I don't want the pain of working out.

40:06Like we will avoid pain at all costs in different areas of our life. So if your definition right now at home that you just thought to yourself is painful, and for most of us it is, I'm not enough. I'm a loser. I'm stupid. I shouldn't have tried. I want to hide. If it is painful, you will stay stuck. You won't go for it. Like you'll talk yourself out of it because you want to avoid pain. So, so, so the second R is to redefine and reframe that definition. But here's the key because then you know you talk about I think scratching a CD like every time your old definition that you just thought of comes to your mind you intercept it and you replace it with this new true definition but it has to be true.

40:52This is the second R which is redefined it has to be true. So So a couple examples, rejection is God's protection. Love this. Right? Rejection is God's protection. Now, I believe that is true. You have to believe your new definition is true. I believe that at my core it's true. And then over time, I can look back and go, yep, that was true. Rejection was God's protection. Give them the one example, if you don't mind, that I know about when you were really, really trying to sign to get equity to sign with this dude. and he basically tells you no, and the reason no is blah, blah, blah. And that was a really traumatic moment in your life, but it was actually God protecting you at the same time.

41:34So do you mind just showing them that, and then we'll go to the other two R's, but go ahead. Because they'll remember this the rest of their life. And by the way, the dude not wanting to date me exclusively in the health club, that's rejection, a form of rejection. Yeah, it sure is. Which, thank God, I could have just doubted myself out of my whole future, just gone with him one-on-one off into the sunset. What a great point, right? Rejection's God's protection. The dude that breaks your heart, like all of it, right? The friend that betrays your trust that doesn't invite you to the party and you don't know why.

42:07Rejection is God's protection. So the story you're sharing, oh my gosh, we'd had years and years of rejections. And I finally got this big meeting with a potential investor, huge private equity company. We went to several, several meetings, got into the diligence phase where we hired lawyers. Like I thought this deal was going to happen. And Ed, I thought like, oh my gosh, if he invests in us, then we're not going to go bankrupt. Like he's going to be my knight in shining armor. And I was putting him on this pedestal. Right. And I was like, and it got down to the final meeting. Paolo, who, you know, my husband, Paolo, Paolo was there.

42:40We flew up for this. We were in person. I just thought it was going to change my life. And it did just in a different way. But it came down to the end of the meeting and this head investor was there, a very famous private equity company. His whole team was there. They were awesome. And at the end, he says to me, you should be so proud. Like, this is a great product. Congratulations. But it's a no. We're going to pass on investing in IT Cosmetics. And I was just like, okay, can you tell me why? Because feedback is usually a gift. And he got really quiet. And he says to me, do you want me to be really honest with you?

43:16and I was like yes please and I remember like my heart beating in my ears because I was like why is he not sharing this with me and I remember the moment his mouth started moving and he says I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight and two things like in that moment I never actually got angry at him but I remember this lifetime of body doubt and self doubt. Like, so it felt like I was staring around fear, um, straight in the eye. But when he said that, I remember this feeling like in, in my gut and I can feel it like it was yesterday that said he's wrong.

43:55Like I felt it in my gut. Right. And two things. When I look back at that moment, like that feeling, that intuition, that knowing was so strong that said he's wrong, even though I couldn't prove it. Like I was not selling much. We were barely in business. I had been getting rejections for years. But when he said those words to me, like, I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight. And that feeling, like what I know, and I can look back at that moment, is that like this dude gave me a no, but God gave me a knowing. Like that knowing, right?

44:29And so two things happen. I didn't hear from him again for six years. Now, I went out in my car and cried that day, but I didn't hear from him for six more years. And when those thoughts replayed in my mind, you know, when someone says something hurtful to us, we can let it take root in our identity. We can let it think that we're not enough and we need to change who we are. And so I would imagine myself turning down the volume on that no and turning up the volume on my knowing, right? And trusting what I felt like God's word. Like I hear God when I pray through my intuition, through that gut feeling.

45:00The other thing I did was I redefined that rejection. Every time I was tempted to think, oh, I'm rejected. I'm not enough. Like all the things like my old story I'd intercept it be like nope rejections God's protection I don't know how I don't see it yet but I'm gonna believe because I know my soul I believe this to be true rejections God's protection six years later the day we sold to L 'Oreal for 1.2 billion dollars cash they were their public company and I didn't know till the night before they were gonna announce it publicly the purchase price everything and it was on the home page of the Wall Street Journal.

45:35It was everywhere. And that was the first time I heard from him in six years. And he said, congratulations on the L 'Oreal deal. I was wrong. Yeah, you were wrong. Do you remember, Ed, that moment in the movie Pretty Woman where like she goes in the store and they won't help her? And then she goes back the day later, a couple of days later. So what I wanted to say to him in that moment was like, big mistake. Huge, huge. I could give you 1.2 billion reasons why it was a huge mistake. I didn't, I kept it classy and I remembered two things because here's the deal. Had he invested and believed in me, I was so desperate at the time.

46:17We would have given him the majority of the company for like no money because he didn't believe in me. Like the day we sold the business, we were the largest shareholders. So it's like rejection is God's protection. And, and, and, and there's so many other beautiful definitions. Like one day I was getting, Oh my gosh, it was like in the middle of this massive season of rejections. And I started Googling everyone I admire in business and in thought leadership and in who's changed the world as a force for good. And I realized they've all gone through rejections. They're just the brave ones willing to keep going anyways.

46:49So that was another definition that I put in my toolbox is like, okay. You know, sometimes I was like, okay, I just got rejected, But you know what? This is a victory. It means I'm one of the brave ones willing to keep. I'm not sitting on the sidelines. I'm not, you know, in the in the stands watching everyone else on the field. Like I am one of the ones in the field, not living my life in regret. And so this rejection is a freaking victory because it means I'm one of the brave ones willing to keep going for it. Right. Another great definition could be I'm putting in the reps. I'm putting in the reps.

47:21I'm getting strong enough to carry the weight of my yes or my success when it happens. Right. We start stacking these new definitions. That's the second R. The third R is my favorite, which I think it's the most powerful and it's called revisit. It's where we actually revisit old and past rejections and failures in our lives. pay attention to what definition have I given those and let me redefine those and when you and I have talked about a couple times together that I think is just so powerful and for anyone listening who has had someone betray their trust had the rug pulled out from under them has someone who does not see their value or love them like they need to be loved when I revisit rejections often And I will literally, here's how I define them most, my favorite way to define them.

48:13I will literally imagine God saying to me like, oh no, you weren't rejected. Like I hid your value from them because they're not assigned to your destiny. And I believe it. And to this day, Ed, even like, you know, I always share everything with you, but like, even if there's a friend that just doesn't, you know, show up for me, even though I always show up for them or whatever it is. Like instead of me feeling like, Oh, something's wrong with me, which would be my old default definition. I'm like, okay, God's hiding my value from them because they're not assigned to my destiny. And I lean on that.

48:49And then it doesn't take root in my spirit. It doesn't, you know, take root in my self worth. I become more fearless and going after things and putting myself out there. And the fourth R is rebel. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes.

49:04We're not moving off that yet. Imagine what your life would be like if you adopted or adapted to that belief that she just shared with you. She says so many brilliant things, but we need to slow down on that. I want you to imagine if you really believe that when you were rejected, God was telling you, I'm not revealing your value to them because they're not assigned to your destiny. Imagine how differently you would feel when someone's broken up with you or doesn't ask you out or doesn't buy from you Or doesn't join your company or doesn't do anything that you would like them to do Yes, that God is hiding your value from them didn't reveal your value to them because they're not assigned to your destiny And by the way, I can tell you at 52 years old haven't had a little bit of success in my life And you've had a bunch of success younger than I have That is actually a hundred percent true.

49:51You would not be a you're not adopting a belief system. That's false there It's a hundred percent true, which is why podcasting and books are so profound because you can learn from people that are further down the road from you and deduce these lessons. I don't know that there is a more powerful lesson somebody could learn than what you just said right there. A million. I could give you story after story of my own life where my value is just simply being hidden, not being revealed because they weren't assigned to my destiny. Like, everyone should write that down, should remember that makes me emotional, my voice cracks when I say it, because there may literally be.

50:30Because inside that belief system is there's a God. And that you're being guided. And my favorite chapter of the book's on faith, but we'll talk about that later. But also that belief system, that He's always working in your favor, even in the moments where it feels most like He isn't with you. He was most with you in those moments. When you feel alone, you feel abandoned. So I love that. Fourth is... Fourth is revel in the fact that you are now fearless about rejection and failure. And I'm telling you, I can sit here right now and you asked me if self-worth is still a challenge. I'm like, yeah, I'm a lifelong student.

51:02Every day I have to apply the tools in this book to believe I'm worthy of walking in the room, to believe I'm worthy of, you know, you being one of my best friends, to believe I'm worthy of all of it. I have to. So I'm a lifelong student. But what I will say I've mastered is I'm pretty freaking fearless when it comes to rejection, failure, bring it. Like it does not phase me one bit. And I still deal with it every day, like all the time. We all do in little ways, big ways, small ways. You just don't see people posting about it on social. You know, everything looks great. But then behind the scenes, like a lot of people struggling with self-worth, a lot of people not understanding how to become fearless about rejection, how to change your relationship with it.

51:46So yeah, I'm so passionate about it. You know what you say in the book that helped me and I think will help a lot of people right now too is she goes through these different lies in the book. And I'll tell you, I bought into, we'll go through two of them because I want them to get the book, but I want to go through two of the lies that affected me. And here's what mine was for a big majority of my life. And it's literally verbatim out of the book. Lie that we tell ourselves is, I have nothing special to offer. and even like everyone's telling me you gotta write another book you gotta write another book you gotta write another book right and you you are one of the main people going you gotta write this book and I know what it is because we've talked about it and I still here I am revisiting that lie that's not that special I don't have anything special to offer I watch other people do a speech or a podcast or something and I'm like now that's good I don't have anything special to offer.

52:35I really still believe that lie most often in my life. And I know people at whatever level they are at in life have bought into this. There's nothing special about me. And one of the reasons, one of the ways they prove that there's nothing special they have to offer is their past. They're like, up until now, I've not done anything special. So there's nothing special that I have to offer. And they use sort of their past as a reference point to dictate their future. Would you agree with that? And then what would you say to that lie? Because I think that's a biggie. I think most people listen to this that are driving right now are nodding or riding on the treadmill, running on the treadmill.

53:10They're like, yeah, that's me. I don't think I have a whole lot special to offer. Yeah. I think you're exactly right that they think because they haven't felt it in the past, right? It's part of why I share so much about my past. I don't want anyone thinking that their past or where they come from determines where they're going. So yeah, I go into the lies that lead to self-doubt and how to unlearn those lies and and how to embrace and ignite the truths that wake up worthiness and that lie about I've got nothing special to offer it is okay first of all if you are one of the brave ones right willing to actually show up as who you authentically are just you You being who you are is special.

53:58There is no one else like you in the entire universe, period. I could have launched a makeup business and gone, huh, okay, this has been done before several hundred thousand times. I got nothing special to offer. We did not win because the products were so great, although I think they were great. We won because I was brave enough to launch this thing authentic to who I am, which by By definition, every single person driving their car, running on the treadmill, whatever you're doing right now in your life. If you are willing to be who you authentically are, you are by definition special right then and there.

54:38If you are willing to launch your business as who you authentically are, you have something special to offer. There has never been another you before. There is never going to be another you. right? The way God made you, not just unique fingerprints, unique tongue print, unique iris of your eyes. There's no one else that has your actual heartbeat rhythm, right? When you look at the science behind it, there's no one else that has had your life experiences. There's no one else that has your thoughts, your emotions, or sees art and beauty the way that you do. If you are one of the brave ones willing to do something authentically, it is indisputable that you have something special to offer.

55:18It's indisputable, right? And so many times we crave love and belonging so much. And we think that we can get it by waking up in the morning, putting on our happy uniform and our mask and showing up to the world as a people pleaser and who other people want us to be, right? 50 % of women identify as people pleaser. 40 % of men identify as people pleaser. So much of what we do is what we think will make everyone else happy at the expense of our own authenticity. But every time we think I don't got anything special to offer and we keep showing up trying to conform or fit in or meet other people's expectations at the expense of our own authenticity, what we're doing every time we do that is we're telling ourselves, I am not worthy of being who I authentically am.

56:01And slowly but surely it chips away at our self-worth. So one of the things you can do in your life right now to unlearn the lie, I've got nothing special to offer. First of all, it is, again, indisputable when you show up authentically. You can't even dispute it. Do you have something special to offer? And I don't care if you're launching a business that thousands of other people have done and you've been telling yourself the lie, oh, it's already been done before a million times, or, oh, other people have something special to offer in their book or on stage, but I don't. It's all a lie. It's all a lie.

56:34Right. And, and step one today is literally just going, wait a minute. Do you see you? Who, who look, who am I? How do I feel? What do I want? What do I mean? Like, who am I? How do I feel? Who am I authentically? And actually show up that way and, and, and, and try it today in a conversation with someone like say what you really mean. Say how you really feel when they say, how are you? It's like, Oh, I'm good. How are you? Uh, say how you really feel. Do you really see them? And do you really see yourself? Right. And, and, you know, there's a whole chapter in the book, uh, called, uh, you're not crazy.

57:18You're just first. Uh, because here's the thing. We tell ourselves this lie cause we all crave love and belonging. We tell ourselves I've just got to fit in and, and, and, and, and, and morph into who others expect me to be so I can get love than belonging. And all we end up doing is feeling alone, more lonely than ever, and more disconnected than ever. What if you're, by the way, what if the fact that this belief that you have that I have nothing special to offer, what if it could possibly be, by the way, and you are special because you're only person with all those personalities and emotions and experiences, Jamie said, but here's a place to look.

57:52You want a place to look to know what you have special to offer? In your insecurities, in your trauma, in mistakes you've made, in your past. I think oftentimes that that special thing you have to offer is hidden in pain It's hidden in mistakes. You've made is hidden in rejection that you've experienced You know what your special thing might be to offer the fact that you believe you have nothing special to offer is special And you could help people that you know Rory said like we said before that you're most qualified to help the person you used to be I'm gonna say it again the fact that you believe that about yourself Probably that special thing is hidden as some sort of pain or insecurity or trauma that you have so you are special Here's the other one, and you just said it.

58:31It's almost like you're reading my mind to what I want to ask you about. I believe this lie, and I think it is more prominent with women, though. But I believe it. Lie in the book that she references. I should only be seen when I'm happy. And I think that's that mask thing. They should only see me on my A game. You just said it. How are you doing today? I'm good. I should only be seen when I'm good. I want to make other people happy, so I have to project that I'm happy all of the time. And I think that puts a pressure on people. It immediately makes you believe you have to be fake or inauthentic when you believe that.

59:04Or you do what I just said earlier, I'll just hide. I'll just hide. And I think a lot of us introverts, like if I can't be on and be happy, then I shouldn't be seen. And I think we all suffer from this. There's a depth to this book I'm telling you that if you let your heart and mind open, how does this apply for me? Because even that lie, I'm like, I don't believe. And then I thought, no, that's 100 % me. I'm only seeing when I'm on. I'm only seeing when I'm happy. So tell us about that lie. Yeah. And I remember the first time I ever saw you not on and not happy. And I just felt so freaking grateful that you trust.

59:42I just felt such a depth of connection with you. And here's the thing. 75 % of men and women, you look at the study, 75 % of us will hide our true emotions and just show up when we can deliver some kind of positive news, positive emotion, put on a happy face. We have this huge juxtaposition happening where we have tragedy and horrible things happening everywhere. And then we have signs everywhere saying, good vibes only. And we feel like, okay, unless I'm positive and happy in all the things, which, by the way, I believe we can control a lot of the way we feel often. I believe we can do a lot to control our state and everything else.

1:00:23But, you know, Glennon Doyle said like being human isn't about feeling happy. It's about feeling everything. And if we want the depth of connection with other people and ourself, we have to be willing to show up as we are. Otherwise, again, every time, you know, we think like, oh, I'm not going to call my friend until I have something good to say. I don't want to bring them down with my problems or, oh, you know, all of these things. And what we do is, is, is we doubt ourselves out of, uh, into disconnection from people, from ourselves. Right. And every time that we show up inauthentically, just trying to be positive and that's not how we feel.

1:01:05Right. And we're really trying to be someone other than who we are. We're telling ourselves we are unworthy as we are. And here's the thing, like it is so important to be able to feel worthy of being sad or saying, you know what? I feel insecure right now. Or you know what? I'm kind of bummed out today. And to feel like someone else could hold space for that. Like you're worthy of someone else holding space for that. And that you deserve someone showing up for you in that way. It's really a fundamental self-worth issue. Can I say something to all the women listening? Can I give you some insight into your man and how it will apply to him oftentimes?

1:01:45By the way, I'm not real big on any of you, like, gender-specific advice. But I will tell you, if you have a man in your life who's struggling with this, he more than likely has been raised to believe that if he shows fear or sadness or that he's down or worried or has anxiety, that he's being weak. And so he only shows up strong. Might not be happy, maybe it's strong. He only shows up. How's everything going? Everything's okay, and they keep things inside And if you have a man in your life who does that regularly like me has done it for years and years and years You have a man who is stacking in his life pain.

1:02:21It's gonna come out in other ways And it's not until I've gotten older and I've had really good friends around me like you Where there's been things that have happened in my life in the last year or two as you know where I'm like no I'm really hurting right now, and it's allowed me to be um more me. And I am, I am, I'm a worthy person even when I'm not perfect. I'm a worthy person even when I'm down. I don't have to be strong all of the time. And I know this applies to women as well, being happy and being strong. But it does apply in your man's life, believe me. Men have a real problem, real challenge being willing to say, I'm down right now.

1:03:02I'm down. I'm hurting right now. And so know that if you can create a space where they feel like they're accepted when they do it and they don't feel weak for doing it, I think you'll have a stronger relationship with that man in your life if you have one for what it's worth. And to add to that, it's so powerful what you just shared. When you look at the data that 73 % of men feel inadequate, right? So many men are so good at hiding it. But here's the thing. When you create a safe space for a man in your life to share those things, what is so critical is that you do not let yourself go to the believing that same lie he did, which is somehow that's inadequate to feel those things.

1:03:42Yeah. It is, there's so many, I'll just talk about some women in my life who wish their partner would open up more with this or that. But some of them, when their partner does, all of a sudden, they start telling themselves the lie that, you know what I mean? And so it's like, it's both. What do they tell themselves? All of a sudden, they're not quite attracted. I wish he was stronger. Like those kind of things. It's a lie that everyone needs to unlearn. Very good. Right? Because not only should everyone have the space to show up as they fully are, but the traditionally opposite gender roles need to be really aware of those lies because you can get someone back into hiding really fast.

1:04:26Oh, my gosh. That's so true. You know, you talk a lot in the book. I didn't know we were going to go here, but I'm glad we are about disconnection. Yes. It's a great story. I'll let you read the book, guys, about a fire at a hotel that she was in that really hit me. It's actually one of my favorite parts of the book. but this relationship we have with becoming disconnected. And one of the real ways in a loving relationship in a marital one or a boyfriend, girlfriend or same-sex relationship that you become disconnected is by not being willing to say, I'm down, I'm hurting. It's a form of disconnection because you're really lying to one another.

1:04:57You're disconnecting. Actually, what I'm feeling right now is some anxiety. I'm feeling some worry. I'm scared. I'm scared right now. And when you don't share vulnerably and authentically like that, you're creating a level of disconnection because there's no real authentic emotions and feelings being shared with one another. And that's why a lot of relationships suffer. One of them's trying to stay really, really strong. The other one's trying to, you know, put on the happy face all the time and no one's really sharing and showing up as they really are. And I think that's the symptom of the disease that they don't feel worthy.

1:05:27And that's why this work is so profound. So profound. And what I'll say to that too, I think the most just staggering and profound form of disconnection is us disassociating from ourselves where we don't even know how we feel. We're not even paying attention to who we really are, what we really feel. So then we're showing up in relationships and it's not even that we're intentionally sometimes not sharing it. We're just disassociating from ourselves. And I won't share the whole fire story, but in the middle of a life-threatening emergency, I just remember normally I take on everyone's energy around me, kind of like as an empath.

1:06:07And it was one of the times I remember literally being in such a mode where I disassociated from everything, was in full survival mode to get out of this hotel fire alive somehow. And I realized, oh my gosh, in hindsight, everyone had handled the fire differently. Some people froze, some people panicked, others were screaming, running up and down the hallways. I just remember completely disassociating from everything, including my own body, and just being in full survival mode. And while that helped me in a fire and helped me find this like scaffolding to climb down the side of the building, it does not help me in life.

1:06:44Like for me and maybe a lot of people can relate to this, like numbing or disassociating can come in so many forms. For some people it's substances or whatever, shopping or gambling, it could be whatever, different addictions. For me it's almost always come in either food or work addiction and busyness. Me too.

1:07:07Work addiction and busyness for so many of us, we see it as a badge of honor, but often it's just a form of numbing that associates and disconnects you from you. And when we are disconnected and disassociated from ourselves in that way, how do you think we're showing up in our relationships why do you think we feel so lonely and ed i just want to share something with you because wow wow wow right there yeah go ahead so many of us don't feel seen we don't feel heard we don't feel loved but we don't realize that so often the root of that is we don't see or love ourselves and I'll never forget like in the book I go in there's a whole chapter on do you see you and in that chapter there's five self-worth shortcuts where I go into like literally tactical things you can do in your life right now some might seem silly some might seem really profound but things you could do in your life right now to actually connect with yourself because we live in a world where where busyness is rewarded, where we're disassociated all the time, where we're people pleasing everyone else at the expense of our own soul, right?

1:08:28Where we're just trying to strive to get what the world defines success as. We're showing it for everyone else and we don't even know. Like we're disconnected and disassociated from ourselves. And we crave each one of us so deeply to be seen, like so deeply. And I just want to share that I remember your talk show. and I remember and I watched every single episode of your season and anyone listening who watches Ed's interviews, listens to Ed's interviews or has seen the talk show, any of that you see people and you see God in people you see God's creation in people I do. And when I've watched people sit in front of you, whether it's in this interview chair or in your talk show seat, and it could be someone that has committed tons of crimes, had massive amounts of failure in their lives, struggling to get by, got problems they don't know how to solve, or someone with tremendous success.

1:09:43you can see their their armor come down from the way you see them thank you and how you see god in them and what i wonder and i know you know what i'm talking about how you see them but what i wonder is if you ever look at yourself in the mirror ed my let into your own eyes literally when's the last time just gonna ask you this when's the last time you looked in the mirror anyone listening to into your own eyes and saw God in you and who God created like the magnificence that is you the worth that is you

1:10:40long time ago you get me upset too long ago too long ago

1:10:54you more than anyone I know just sees the beauty and the worth in other people don't do that to me

1:11:06and when you shared earlier in the interview I was be crying on my show

1:11:13when you share I cried earlier when you shared that you still right now in this moment struggle of feeling love like you can love other people one of the tools in here, probably the simplest tool in the whole book, but not quite simple when you do it, is actually like looking in the mirror in your own eyes. And everyone at home, like listening to this, when is the last time you actually looked in the mirror in your own eyes and saw the miracle in motion that is you? Like the beauty and the grace and the power that God made you, you. And if you can look in your own eyes the way God breathed life into you when he created you, that's what you do for other people.

1:12:06That's why people are obsessed with your show. That's why I watch people just completely disarm and connect with you on your talk show. You can do that for other people. They feel that. And the most important thing is to be able to do that with yourself.

1:12:26You're right. You're right. Thank you for that. I thank you for that. That's a hard one for me. And it's one that I, I, uh, I went past that part of the book really quick, honestly, I'll be honest with you. Cause I'm like, I don't know, but it is simple to do. And I do need to give myself the gift of doing that because I know how great I feel when I see, like I said to you earlier in the interview, Holy Spirit's flowing right now. It took us like 10 minutes. I could see it and I would love to see more of that in myself because I know that it's there. I just, uh, a lot of what you just said the last 10 minutes, you know, I can't, I'm gonna cry.

1:13:09So I don't want to cry. So anymore, but even the, just staying busy, just staying busy, producing, you know, is a form of disconnection. And I think that it does eventually show up and rob you of some kind of connection with the people around you that you love the most. if you're not connected with yourself. Yes. So I will do that for my children. I will do that for my family. Can I add to this? I talk in the book about a book you're writing that I cannot freaking wait for. I know it's going to be a while before it's out, but you talk about let me tell you about you and something you've done with your daughter, your son.

1:13:45Like you're so good at telling other people about them. So are you, by the way. But thank you. You are too. You see that in me because you're great at it. I would love, if you want to know what I want for Christmas or my birthday this year, both, I want Ed Milet to look in the mirror. I'll do it for you. And tell Ed about Ed. I'll do that for you. I really will. I promise you that I will do that. I'll probably do it tonight because I'm getting emotional. So that means I'm supposed to do something. I will do that. I'll do it tonight. You don't have to wait until then. Thank you for that gift from me.

1:14:19Now that everybody's listening to our friendship conversation. Well, I want to reiterate too, Ed, because you're talking about busyness and everything else. Like this is not about curbing ambition at all. It is about like I hustle harder right now than I have ever in my life. I can attest to that. She's hustling. I work so hard. I freaking, I feel like I'm not even close to scratching the surface on my potential to impact the world. Like I'm fired up every day. The difference is now that I've learned how to build self-worth, like I'm actually enjoying it instead of constantly feeling like it's never enough and I'm never enough.

1:14:56And so I just want to reiterate that. And also I'm disassociating into busyness less and I'm actually feeling it more. So these aren't these tools like I believe this to my core. If you feel like you have so much more potential in your business and in your goals and ambitions and everything else and you don't know why you're not crushing it. Like here's the thing, y 'all. You want to double your business? Double your self-worth. Like you want to double your success? Double your self-worth. You want to double your net worth? Double your self-worth. Like it is the one thing that changes everything.

1:15:34And if you go get Worthy right here, guys, you go get this book. You've made huge strides towards doing that. that if you don't have this book, you're going to be behind on doing it. And so it's not only doing all these things in the mirror, it's getting this book because it's loaded with strategies. Go get worthy. Let me ask you one more question, and I want to talk last. Just we'll finish up with, this has been so good. Every time you and I are together, we have amazing conversations, but I like when we record them for the benefit of other people. And this is the best of the three that we've done.

1:16:04And we've done two incredible interviews before, but this is the best. and easily the best. And so at the end, we'll re-mention our ability, people to get coached by us. There's a part of the book that stood out to me, and I knew a little bit of this story before because you had shared it with me prior, but there's two things that stood out to me in the book that are subtle. One is in the very beginning of the book, you say, when was the first time, do you remember the first time in school where you knew the answer to a question, but you didn't raise your hand? And everybody probably listening to this had that moment in their life, and that's the beginning of your worthiness issues.

1:16:41And yeah, there was a lot of times I wanted to hide, like I said earlier. And the other one, and it may seem surprising to you out of the entire book, but is the cinnamon roll story with your mother-in-law. Yeah. And I'd like you to tell that story, because I think people remember stories and then the lesson from it. And in some metaphorical way, everybody can relate to this story in some way in their life. and I think it's another deeply personal story because it's from this person that everyone looks up to, everyone admires. Yet even at that stage of your life where you were in the midst of doing something great, this shows up.

1:17:21So everyone listen to this because it goes to picking on this wound of your body issues all of your life, which is amazing to me because you're such a beautiful woman. But you definitely have carried this with you, so share that story with them and the lesson from it. You want to know what's wild, Ed, is on the last episode you and I did about a year ago, we touched on body issues for two seconds, like very briefly, didn't even go deep. The number of men that sent me messages about their own challenges with not wanting to take their shirt off, like all these different things. I was like, this is a real, so in Worthy, there's two chapters.

1:18:01There's one is not about your weight at all, but it is called the lie. My weight determines my worth. It's called don't wait on your weight. And it's not about your weight. Your weights are relevant. It's about waiting on your weight to live your best life, to put on the swimsuit, to ask the person out on the date, to all of those things. Like what is waiting on your weight already cost you in your life? For a lot of people, it's cost them going to the reunion, saying yes to the party, saying yes to the event. Right. Like 89 % of women opt out, girls and women, 89 % of them opt out of meaningful interactions with friends, family, and loved ones when they don't like how they look.

1:18:40Like it is a thing. So we go deep into what has waiting on your weight already cost you and how do you flip that script? Because I had to flip that script in my own life. I had, you know, built IT Cosmetics. We had over 7 million women just in the US where our customers that were, I mean, it was all about redefining beauty, empowering, right? I have rosacea, the skin condition, and I had, you know, just reveal it on national television. You know, I did over a thousand live QVC shows. What's wild is I've sold over a billion dollars in product just direct to camera. Not because the product was good and it's really good.

1:19:13It's because I think people finally felt seen and they felt like connected, you know, and anyhow. Crazy. Even with all that, I was still, I still didn't feel confident in a swimsuit. Even with all that, right? I was still waiting on my weight. It wasn't until my daughter Wonder was born and the first time that we took her swimming and I didn't, I thought I'm just going to sit on the side, covered up. And I was like, what has this already cost me in my life? And let me just make this not about me for a minute. Let me go shake my cellulite with pride and jiggle it with joy and like show my daughter.

1:19:51Because if I'm hiding on the sidelines, I'm telling her she's not worthy in her own skin. You know, if I'm hiding on the sidelines, I'm telling other people they should too. I'm like, no, no, no, I can't make this about me. And that was the moment I decided to flip the script and realize what does this already cost me? But the story you're talking about is a different lie, a different chapter in the book called I need to please them in order to love me. For everyone out there who is a people pleaser, and it is the majority of us. I kind of use this funny example of it wasn't only a couple years ago this happened we're all together at Christmas I have every year for Christmas I'll have I'm adopted so I have like five different families long story right and and then I have a lot of friends without family and I just invite everyone for Christmas whoever wants to come and we do big tables of seized candy and like whole thing and so we're there and my mother-in-law Paula's mom is extremely healthy like everyday salmon, broccoli.

1:20:51Like it's very disciplined, very, she's, I mean, and she works out. She's in great shape, like all this stuff. She's in her seventies and just so disciplined, clean eater all the time. I cannot say that about myself, Ed. We're sitting there and there's a, on the kitchen island, there's these hot gooey cinnamon rolls. Right next to them is a spread of berries. There's broccoli. There's like all the vegetables, right? And my mother-in-law is always on top of my husband, Paolo, for it. He's like, you need to eat healthy. Don't put that, you know, all the things. Like his whole life, she's teaching him how to be healthy.

1:21:31Now, the difference between me and Paolo is Paolo does not care what anyone has to say about anything. That's for sure. Paolo. I can attest to that. You can criticize him. You can judge him. You can do anything. he's either oblivious or if he's aware of it he does not care at all it's been good for me actually to be around that um for me though i'm a people pleaser my whole life i've worked very hard to learn how to undo that because when you people please for others you are almost always betraying yourself when you say yes when you mean no when you say no when you mean yes when you you know So all the things you're almost always betraying yourself in this moment.

1:22:14I'm sitting there with my mother-in-law feeling like I want that cinnamon roll. But if I get that cinnamon roll, she is going to judge me. She is going to judge me. And I was just making eye contact with the cinnamon roll. It was like a forbidden love affair. Literally. I was like imagining telling the cinnamon roll, like, listen, my mother-in-law's here. like I know we have this love affair, but I've got to go with the broccoli today. I don't even love the broccoli. I don't even feel it with the broccoli, but today I've got to choose the broccoli and like cinnamon roll. I'd rather have love that almost never happened than I've never loved at all.

1:22:55It was this whole dialogue in my head with the cinnamon roll. So good. And I'm like, Oh, struggling. Right? Like, but in that moment, I wanted to be loved more than I I wanted to be me. And I was like, I have to go with the broccoli. And the more I sat there on that day thinking about my mother-in-law judging me, and this is what happens with people pleasing. We all have this happen in our life every single day. What I know for sure and what I realized is, okay, if I choose the broccoli because I think she's going to love me more, it's actually not going to arrive at love at all. right it's going to arrive at her approving of someone I am not right it's going to arrive at an inauthentic relationship that has a barrier of disconnection a wall between us because no matter how much approval she sends my way I can't even receive it because I know it's not who I am authentically right so people pleasing even though we think it puts on the facade of making everyone happy it just creates a barrier of disconnection between you and that person it actually creates less love between you and that person so I made the decision you know what I want to have real connection and love with this person and I for that to happen I have got to show up as who I authentically am and so the moment I decided to reach across with the spatula get this hot gooey cinnamon which by the way 30 minutes had gone by it was not even hot anymore it took that long it took that long yeah just debating it just contemplating it wanting that freaking cinnamon roll right like like pretending I'm not thinking about it all the stuff I grab the cinnamon roll put it on my plate I watch her make eye contact with me I watch her look at the cinnamon roll and she says to me, I just love being with the grandkids.

1:24:56Did you know Wonders reading comprehension so good and Wilder so, she starts chatting away about the grandkids. And I realized she doesn't give a crap if I'm eating a cinnamon roll. She could care less. What I was doing was projecting my own insecurities onto her. It's huge. The whole time. It's huge. And I just wondered how many other times, right? Have I been tempted or have shown up to please someone else when they're not even thinking about it? That's right. And it's at the expense of that connection. Gosh, it's a huge lesson. By the way, the lesson there is not eat cinnamon rolls and not broccoli.

1:25:35That's not what Jamie's saying. You know exactly what she's saying. What she's saying here is that we'll wear these masks. We'll show up in certain ways, project a version of ourselves that we think will be accepted rather than the one that we truly are. and then you have no deep, meaningful connections in your life. You can't go deep with friends that way. And I don't even think you can build great businesses or great anything or great culture if you're not truly showing up. One of the most powerful things I ever did in my business career was I would literally tell people when I would hire them, I don't know whether we're going to make it or not, but we're going to do everything we can and if we do make it, it's going to be absolutely incredible rather than projecting no fear.

1:26:11So these things of showing up authentically matter. This has been one of the most transformative conversations we've ever had on the show. I certainly have ever had in my life for me. I don't think any, only one other guest has ever got me to cry on the show, which was Granger Smith recently. And I actually sent that to you going, you need to see this. Now I have another clip I have to send to people going, you have to see this. But let me ask you this last. And by the way, everybody, make sure if you want to get coached by Jamie and I and you want to get the book, you go to worthybook.com forward slash ed right now.

1:26:39Get the book. Get some extra books. All you have to do is get one to qualify to be coached. But there's all kinds of additional incentives and things like that on there for you to even do more and give these out as gifts as well. And I'm excited. Like a live coaching call with you is a big deal. I don't know what that would normally cost. But, I mean, you guys get there with me. But you're sitting there with a person who's exited our company for over a billion dollars. And you get it. You're guaranteed just when you pre-order the book. And by the way, I haven't even shared this. I'm donating 100 % of the proceeds.

1:27:06100 % of the proceeds. Like this is for me. And I sell nothing on my site. Right. There's no upsells here. It's a labor of love and belief. Yeah. This is like, I feel like my life's greatest work, my life's mission. And you were sharing earlier, like, you know, your best position to serve the person you once were. Roy Vaden quote, for everyone listening, like one of the things I wanted to add to that is why I share so much of my past failure, pain, mistakes, regrettable incidents, embarrassing moments in here for the first time ever is I just, what you said is so often like the things we go through we think they were just failures or hard times or or misfortunes or pain in our life but they're actually one of the greatest keys to us discovering our purpose right because the things we are going through become the things we made it through and once we've made it through those things we we now have the power to help someone else make it through and so many people think oh I gotta find my purpose in my job and my purpose and or and I don't know what my purpose is.

1:28:11And you hit it on the head. Look at the things that have been sources of pain that you wouldn't wish to ever happen to yourself again or anyone else, but you made it through those things. It's why I share some of them in the book. It's like you made it through them and then look, you can find your deepest sense of purpose in this life when you help other people make it through. And the things we make it through manifest in so many different ways. like when I'm you know doing over a thousand live shows on QVC the reason the numbers were so good wasn't the product is that I I see and understand people and I care and I learned how to do that by working at the strip club and at Denny's and at all these places where I see and value and understand what people have gone through what their pain is what they're trying to overcome how they're just trying to make it by how they're trying to feel love and belonging in this world like all of those steps are ordered right so the things that you've gone through that maybe you're thinking are labeling as pain or regret or things that are past failures that you wish never happened like they can be your greatest source of purpose in this life right your greatest source of contribution it's like it's like the greatest gift because a lot of people try to find purpose in the wrong things and wonder why they're and never feeling that they have it.

1:29:34Mm-hmm. Yeah. You, uh, last night I was thinking how I was gonna introduce you in the beginning. And I was gonna say originally, you know she doesn't need to do this. Because on the surface you don't. Like, she's got all the money that she'll ever have or grandkids will ever need. She's already had notoriety and fame. She has great friends. Her heroes like Oprah Winfrey are now people that believe deeply in her and she's done collaborative work with. like she doesn't need to do this but the more that I'm watching you today and I've been listening to you is you did need to do this and that your entire life's been preparing you for this moment right now and there's nothing more rewarding for me than to see a friend step into authentically who they are and that every single moment since you were a little girl and you were adopted to you bring in Mike his beer and you guys will hear about that in the book your stepdad and I I don't I don't know why, but that just stuck with me of you bringing your stepdad a beer to please him in the morning because he wanted it.

1:30:33And that's one way you could get acknowledgement all the way through your life, getting arrested at 14 and running with the wrong crowd. Then, then at the gym, then at the strip club, the Denny's in between all of the rejection, all of your life, meet in Paulo, starting at cosmetics, doing all of the things that you've done arrives to this moment right now. And this is the most important work you've ever done in your life. And so you did need to do this. and I'm very, very proud of you and I love you very much and if you'd like to spend some time with her and I, please go to worthybook.com forward slash Ed and make sure you guys pick up this incredible piece of work that's a lifetime of preparation in this book and I love you and I'm very proud of you thank you for today God bless you everybody I don't need to ask you but I know you will share today's episode take care this is the Ed Myland Show We'll be right back.