What Anger Is Really Hiding (And Why It’s So Dangerous) 

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1:49This is The Ed Myeret Show. All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So let me ask you a question to start out the week. What's the worst thing that's ever been said to you? Like the worst, the thing that hurt you the most. You remember it, don't you? Give yourself a second and think about that. I mean, the most hurtful thing ever said to you. And I ask you that question because, you know, last week we talked about emotional regulation and emotional maturity and so many. We got flooded with messages from people saying, how do you deal with your own anger or how do you deal with anger issues from somebody in your life like an angry person?

2:28And so although I'm not an expert on anything, I do have some insights after 54 years on earth and being both the recipient of anger and also the distributor. And I remember the worst thing ever said to me. And it was when I was very young. It was about 45 years ago. But 45 years later, I can remember that moment like it was yesterday. And something tells me you can remember that moment as well. Ask yourself another question. Think of the worst thing you've ever said to somebody the other way. And just so you know, you're the lead character in their life as having said the most mean thing to them.

3:04One of the real frustrating things about anger is you can never unsay something. You can never take it back. Once you've said it, it's there forever and it's impossible to undo it. and the hurt that it gives somebody alters your relationship with them forever, somehow to some extent. You can do 9 ,000 things after that event, but you can never take those words back and you can never undo it. And so if you've got somebody that really treats you with anger in your life or maybe you're the angry person, I'd like you to pay really close attention today because I don't think in the moments when we say something angry to somebody or out of anger, We realize the permanent damage that we're doing to somebody My guess is most of you that are listening are already leaning in because you're dealing with somebody in your life Who behaves in an angry fashion with you and if you do you need to listen very closely today Because here's what happens if you have an angry person or someone who operates out of anger towards you It alters more things than you realize in your life even very subtly and unconsciously Not only does it hurt, but here's what angry people do.

4:16And it's why having them in your life requires either a change of their behavior or a change permanently with them out of your life. And I mean that very seriously. If you're being treated in an angry way by an angry person, you deserve better than that. Also, if you're a leader who runs your business in an angry way, and I know what that's like as well, to operate out of anger and intimidation. Many many leaders think they're great leaders, but really what they are is they're angry intimidators I led that way for a while and It's fatiguing and debilitating and it's not true leadership Being a father or a mother who operates out of intimidation and anger Is not an authentic tremendous father or mother And those of you that are on the receiving end of angry things in your life from angry people Listen closely or if you're the distributor listen closely.

5:06Maybe some of you are both And again, I only usually create content out of personal experiences. And to tell you that I only know about this because I've made these mistakes. I was an angry and intimidating type leader for a while. And I know what it's like to operate out of anger and why we do it. The other thing I'll tell you is that I've also been the recipient. I think the longer you receive anger, the more you realize the absolute destruction that it causes in your relationship and in people's lives or as a leader in your business, certainly in families. And you know what angry people do?

5:37Not only do they hurt you, but here's what they do that's subtle. Angry people make you modulate your own behavior unconsciously because you're trying not to trigger them all the time or set them off. If you have anybody in your life, a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a true friend, a boss, and in any way you find yourself modulating, changing your phraseology, your words, your behavior, your tactics to simply not trigger them, then you're really not being your authentic self or true self because their response causes you to morph into something small, less than you really are, different than you really are.

6:14And even if it's small changes you make, even if it's subtle, the truth of the matter is you're not really having an authentic relationship with this person. I want you to think this through as I say it to you. Do you have anybody in your life that you're constantly modulating? Better not say this. I better not do that because that's going to set them off. That's going to trigger them. That's not a real relationship. That's not love. That's not a leader. And if you're that person that's constantly being triggered, you know, some of you that have this person in your life, maybe send this to them today because they may love you and just, you've created this pattern and this dynamic in your relationship where it's become accepted, where it's become okay to them.

6:48And we'll talk about that in a minute as well. It's not okay. Now, by the way, there may be a topic that's off limits, you know, politics triggers them. Okay. You can set that aside, but if it's something beyond the normal two or three triggers in life, that's not normal and it's not okay. And you shouldn't have to, with people in your life that are in your proximity, walk on eggshells around them because you're worried you're going to set them off or trigger them. And we're going to talk about some of these conditions with people because what these people really have, or you have, if you're this person, and by the way, I've been this person because I was raised by this person.

7:25And some of you are just operating out of things you caught that weren't even taught to you when you were a child And some of you are codependents in the fact that you grew up in a relationship with a father or mother who treated Your mom or your dad that way or you that way and now it's acceptable To for you to receive this treatment from somebody around you. Let me be very clear. It's not acceptable You should not be the recipient of anger. You can deal with certain things in your life. Okay Okay certain behaviors that don't feel good But if you are the target and the recipient of anger from somebody passive aggressive anger or direct shots verbally or physically That's not acceptable and remember this you teach people how to treat you Right, and if you're allowing this to take place even the first time and there's not a boundary If there's not a consequence that we're going to talk about in a second You're teaching them.

8:17It's okay to treat you this way and it isn't I want to be clear some of you young folks too That you know a very dear friend whose daughter is she's 17 years old She's in a relationship with a young man And this young man operates out of anger with her verbally often he's passive aggressive. He puts her down It's subtle, but he does it And I saw it one day And I pulled him aside. I said am I going to let her know that she shouldn't be receiving this or are you going to tell her? He goes, what are you talking about? I said, did you see how he just dismissed her right there in front of everybody?

8:48You're teaching her. This is okay. She will carry this the rest of her life If you allow her to take there's got to be a consequence for that guy right now And I just want you know, I think we've become very immune Almost accepting of anger our culture. We're very dismissive very angry towards one other just look at social media These keyboard warriors with their little angry outbursts from there It's just unbelievable the amount of anger that's just dispensed that spewed as if it's okay It's not okay. And so these folks that operate out of anger, they have poor emotional regulation. Poor emotional regulation leads to verbal or physical outbursts.

9:28It's not acceptable. Angry outbursts, sudden unexpected outbursts. There's something called intermittent explosive disorder, IED. Can you imagine that terminology? And here's what it really means. I'm going to give you the definition. Poor emotional regulation. That's what it means. Angry outbursts, sudden unexpected episodes. Several conditions look like this, but a big one is intermittent explosive disorder. Do any of you have somebody in your life like that? They can go from zero to a hundred like that. You're like, wow, two minutes ago, everything was fine. And they just lose it. Okay. This person has intermittent explosive disorder.

10:04It's not okay. It's not normal. It's not funny and you shouldn't accept it. Okay. There's also something called oppositional defiant disorder. This is a pattern of angry or irritable mood, argumentative or defiant behavior or vindictiveness. Usually it affects children or adolescents. So that's just somebody who's got a pattern of being angry or irritable. You go, no, it's normal teenage behavior. No, it's not. It's not. It's not okay. And you need to correct it as a parent as soon as you can. Or you're going to send somebody into the world who's going to have a very hard time most of their life, in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, in spite of their talent, in spite of their gifts.

10:44And perhaps that child's a recipient from somebody with oppositional defiant disorder as well. But it's usually somebody who's thinking they're being rebellious against authority. That's not rebellion. That's a pattern of angry and irritable moods. And if that pattern is not interrupted, if there are not consequences, and you're going to find that to be a very common theme today. You're sending somebody out into the world who's likely to fail, likely to have an unhappy life. Before I even move any further forward, I just want to say something to you. If you're on the receiving end of a passive aggressive person or an aggressive person, you deserve better than that.

11:19Do not spend your life as the subject of that type of behavior, as a target, as a receptacle, as a trash can for them to dump into their anger and aggression. You deserve so much better than that Please don't accept it. Please don't stay if it continues, please It's better to be alone Many of you are staying with somebody because you're more afraid to be alone Because there's some high highs with these people too, huh? Almost like the contrast between how terrible they treat you and then how good it is in the good moments And that contrast exaggerates the good the good's not really that good It's just way different than the bad and because they take you all the way over to the bad And then they drop in a couple goodies once in a while Little little breadcrumbs of kindness breadcrumbs of a gift breadcrumbs of an apology Breadcrumbs of a high moment that contrast makes the good seem better than it is But if you're in a normal functioning relationship, that's not such a good good It's just way different than the bad There's another disorder called conduct disorder It's a more severe form of odd that I just described is characterized really by aggression towards others.

12:31And these people also violate rules and norms. They're deceitful. They'll lie to you and then make you feel guilty for calling them on it. They will not only be rude or mean to you, but they'll do it in public. They'll do it in front of your friends and family. They'll take a passive aggressive or an aggressive shot at you in front of other people. Or they'll be in front of a room full of people as a leader and take shots at people in the room aggressively. That's not acceptable. The people you lead should not be afraid of you. That's not great leadership. You can look no further than to Jesus for this example.

13:09Now remember, Jesus rebuked the apostles. Any of you that are Christians that read scripture, he rebuked the apostles. So there's nothing wrong with correcting people, constructive criticism, a firm course correction that's not the same thing as anger when you operate out of anger you are out of control it's different to pause to think to take a day or two and say we need a meeting about this that's different than flying off the handle out of anger there's another disorder i'm just giving you a few of them so you know disruptive mood deregulation disorder dmdd D, what this looks like is persistent irritability or anger with frequent temper outbursts that are disproportionate to the situation.

13:51In other words, the response is far worse than the situation that took place. Someone cuts you off on the freeway. They just lose their mind. Someone jumps in front of them in line. They go crazy. You say something that they misunderstood as a joke and they took it personally and they just go to level 100. That's a problem. Then there's stuff like borderline personality disorder. that's intense unstable emotions the point of the matter is i only tell you what these things are because these are real conditions now here's the situation here's the deal this is also why the internet has become so out of control let me explain to you something if you don't create consequences for the people that treat you with anger they will continue to do it the pattern will continue and it will over time creep up and get worse and worse and worse and all of a sudden and you're in a relationship where you can't even be yourself because you're afraid to set them off.

14:41That's why the internet is so out of control. Keyboard warriors can say angry, hurtful, mean things with no consequence. What is anger? If you flip the coin over, it's fear. They're scared. And these people, believe it or not, even though they seem very strong and bold and intimidating, these are weak people. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Progressive loves to help people make smart choices. That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your Progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

15:22So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you. Give it a try after this episode at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates Not available in all states or situations Prices vary based on how you buy

15:44When it comes to what your family eats and drinks You know your choices matter You're the expert Because you know what fits your life And getting it right starts with good information That's why America's beverage companies Are sharing more information about our ingredients at goodtoknowfacts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit goodtoknowfacts.org. When I operated out of anger in my life when I was younger, I was a weaker man. I was a scared little man who used anger as a weapon, as a leader, as a friend in my relationships.

16:32these are weak little scared people that person in your life is weak they're little and they're scared trust me a strong man is kind he can defend and protect but he's gentle he doesn't harm the people around him and if he does even once he has true remorse and he apologizes it's true of a real woman as well if you have a man in your life who's doing this to you he's not a real man if you're listening to this and you're a man and you treat people this way you're a scared little man grow up stop it emotionally regulate if you're a keyboard warrior you're on the internet. You're identifying who you are when you put people down, when you think it's funny.

17:27I get emotional because I see so many people down and hurt, losing their confidence, losing their self-esteem. And it's because of the people closest to them. It's because of the people closest to them. The people they love and want the most belief and affection from are the ones taking it from them and flipping it and hurting them. And day by day, slowly but surely, they lose their self-respect because they tolerate it. They lose their self-esteem because of the recipient of this. See, we all have enough negative thoughts about ourselves that we don't need somebody to confirm them. We have very few positive thoughts about ourselves.

18:09We do need people to confirm those. If you're somebody who treats people this way strangers or people close to you Take a really good look at yourself And if someone's doing it to you You better provide them some consequence. It's the reason it's out of control in our public space We can yell and I mean it's okay to disagree with someone politically But to hate somebody because they believe something different than you To be angry with a stranger Worse, to be angry with someone that you claim to love? Think this through. Is that who you want to be at the end of your life? What if at the end of your life, you get to see the real of all the people's souls and spirits you hurt with your words or behavior?

18:58Or just being dismissive of them? In fact, what if you just played that role to yourself right now? There's probably as many as you're playing. If you're this person, there's so many more you can't even remember because you did it when you were angry and it's a pattern. And here's the truth. If you operate this way, you can change. You're better than that. It's okay right now if I'm talking and you feel a little bit of a gut punch, a little bit of a wake up call, a little bit of shame. It's okay. I know because especially when I was in business, I was an intense. I still am intense intimidator.

19:33And it worked. I had the voice for it, the build for it, energy level for it. It worked for a while until it didn't, until I actually had my own children. And I went, if someone ever talked to Max or Bella the way I sometimes talk to people in business, they wouldn't need to worry about what they're having for breakfast tomorrow morning. I can promise you that. And so here's what happens. You got to give them consequence. In environments where there's no consequence, like the public space, like the internet, You watch it's out of control if you don't give them consequences in your relationship and i'm talking about even a boss Even your boss Hey, I don't mind you giving me a course correction, but I will not tolerate your anger You're out of control And I know that sounds easy to say you have to stand up for yourself and you have to give people consequences Remember this in your relationship.

20:25They remember what you said. You can never unsay something. You can never take it back It'll never be the same And here's what we do when someone's angry towards us at least in my case. I went i'll match your anger and i'm gonna raise you one And then it ratchets it up doesn't it that was always my M.O. You're angry towards me. Ha ha. I know how to play this game better than you I will match you and raise you one. Here we go And then it's off to the races a lot of people have these dynamics in the relationship Where one is usually the instigator and instead of you just receiving it you got this play i'm gonna raise you one and then you really have a dynamic where you go hey i'm gonna win this one and a lot of people go yeah but the making up is so great really that's a mature loving relationship you make up from hurting one another that's like saying the best thing in life is to get into a physical fight and then put band-aids on each other's wounds that's insane now usually we can see direct anger The other type of anger that we're recipients of or distributors of is the passive aggressive.

21:29As a leader, I used to love to get up and go, you know, there's some people in here who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I wouldn't say a name. And so I thought it was okay to be hurtful to a group passive aggressively. People do this in your relationships too. People love to passively aggressively take shots at one another because it's like, that's not what I meant. Oh, I'm so sorry. You read what I was saying wrong. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Here's how it can affect a family. My dad, by the way, when he got sober, I just want to make sure that I give my dad credit, was the most kind, gentle, generous, beautiful man.

22:03And he helped thousands of people get sober. And I mean it. He would give you literally the shirt off his back. I don't think we ever drove by an unhoused person, homeless person ever where my dad didn't stop and do something for them. No time in my dad's life after he got sober would he not take the time to help a stranger or a friend. to the point where I'll never be as good a man as him. That was my dad sober. My dad drinking, that was another story altogether. I remember when I was a kid, our fancy night out as a family, two or three times a year, a birthday or an anniversary or something, was we would go to the Sizzler.

22:43That was our fancy night out. I don't know if you know the Sizzler, but you literally wait in line to order your food even there. It's like kind of a fast food steak place. but that was our fancy dinner i remember he used to like the malibu chicken we would go to the sizzler regularly and my dad would inevitably have an emotional angry outburst either someone at our table in our family or a server or the food wasn't right or it took too long and there was never a consequence right because he was a big strong guy and it was just kind of what happened i remember after a while of us going there i was thinking when we would go there after a while right when we would get there they put us in this private room and this is like where they would normally do like VIP dinners.

23:22And I remember thinking, gosh, man, I was really young. Our family, we're big time. Not only we were at the Sizzler, but we're in the VIP room, the private room for just our family. I remember thinking, gosh, my dad's a big shot. And then as I got older and I watched my dad yell at a server one night in that room, all of a sudden it taunted on me. Oh, we're not in this room because we're VIPs. We're in this room because they're hiding us from the rest of the restaurant. He's become so notorious in this place that when he comes in, he's on some list where they go move them in the other room because it's going to get ugly.

23:57And then I realized our family was ostracized. And then as I got a little bit older, when I knew we were having one of these big nights out, I would get sick. Sometimes I was really getting sick with anxiety about going, but a lot of times as a little boy, I would fake being sick and stay home as our family went out to their fancy dinner because I didn't want to be embarrassed. And I wonder if seeing that as a little boy, I started to model it a little bit as I became a man. And I'm not explaining my behavior, nor am I explaining the behavior receiving. I guess I'm explaining it, but I'm not excusing it.

24:38And I think my understanding of where I got that from Caused me to change it And so if you are an angry person take a second and think about where did you model this from you got it somewhere I remember seeing my dad in a lot of different fights and as I became a young man anybody disrespected me They were gonna have to pay the consequences And I just want to say to you that if you exhibit angry behavior your kids are catching it and at some point they will release that pattern out into the world themselves. If they are seeing you treat your spouse this way, they are either going to treat their spouse that way or they are going to attract a partner who treats them this way.

25:21Your kids will model it one way or the other. They will either receive it or believe it's normalized because we move towards what we're most familiar with in our life. So if you have an angry partner and you're tolerating this behavior, your kids are seeing it whether you know it or not. and they're going to model it. More than likely, if you're a woman and a man's treating you this way, your daughter, if you continue to accept this, the consequence isn't even terrible for you. Your daughter will attract a man into her life who treats her exactly the same way. Vice versa. If the mother's the one acting out that way and it's the man receiving it, your son will attract a woman who weakens him, minimizes him, demoralizes him, and shrinks him.

26:03or just as bad, they will be the distributor of anger. There are consequences with your children if you have children. You got to ask yourself if you're dating somebody right now who treats you this way, if it doesn't change, is that the person that you want to have children with? Sometimes you have to have more than love. You have to have respect. You have to have belief. It's a little bit more than just love. if you have an angry partner there better be consequences so what's a couple things you could do number one when somebody operates angrily towards you here's some of the tips they give out in the world okay i'll give you what they are and i'll give you my thoughts psychologists always recommend de-escalate and neutralize the emotionality of it okay yeah don't continue to you know get after them number two they say be assertive you could be assertive yourself and show some backbone.

26:55Three, communicate constructively, understand and validate what it is that's really concerning them. Or they say, you know, go see a therapist. Fourth, they say, practice patience and compassion for this angry person. This is the typical therapy, psychological response that's taught. Five, pick your battles and think long-term. Like I said, they also say, practice patience and compassion. Number six, reflect on your actions and understand the triggers that you're giving this person and saying all of that, it ain't your fault they're doing this. And so should you reflect on your actions and understand the trigger?

27:29Sure. But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, worry about triggering somebody you love. There should be a basis of understanding that I love you. We're on the same team. I'm not intentionally doing this. Maybe there's one area in a relationship that you just stay away from. It's the X, right? Or some financial mistake they made. I got that. You shouldn't be poking on somebody, But if you got two three four things you're going I can't do this. I can't say that I better not do that Better not look like this. Yeah, I don't know about those all emotionals pick your battles don't trigger them No at some point give them consequences All that stuff's fair Now if you're the angry person Here's some stuff that has helped me number one think before you speak In the heat of the moment.