How to Change Your Life | Ep 939

0:00You're not getting what you want out of your business or your life because you want too many things at the same time. You're not willing to make trade-offs. And I will prove it to you. And so in this video, I'll break down the core problem and the way to frame the trades that you make at different seasons in your life. Everything in life has trade-offs. And people just need to determine the price versus the value. like anything, there's going to be both of these things. And so when people say, I can't believe he did this, it's because they're only looking at the cost and not the payout. Now, if you say, hey, that guy made this trade, I wouldn't have made that trade.

0:42Awesome. And that's why you don't have to make that trade. Right. And so let me give you kind of like a frame of mind for this. I was thinking about this because we were, Layla and I were looking at home stuff lately, and we're thinking about buying homes and all that kind of jazz. And one of the things that was such a striking example is that you cannot have it all. There are many examples in life where this is not a, I'm sure you've seen it, like you can have it all, you can't. Let me give you the example. If I say I want to have a house that's in a ski town, but I also want it to be near the beach, and I also want it to be secluded, but I also want to have a town and shopping and walking distance and I also want it to be cozy and not too busy but I also want it to have lots of space for activities and a yard I can't have all those things they are literally structurally impossible for them to all be in the same thing one the beach and the snow mountain probably not going to exist in the same house if I want to have something cozy versus lots of uh land and space probably not going to happen if I want somebody to be in walking distance, but also have a great aerial view might not happen.

1:50Right. And so each of these things, that one could happen in a high rise downtown. Okay. That one maybe. All right. But, but there's going to be some of these that you have to make trades. And I think basically like confronting that is like the core element of what you have to do in life to move forward. And so many people stay in decision limbo. They stay in purgatory and purgatory translated into reality is that they don't achieve what they want. They don't get what they want out of life because they never make a trade to begin with, right? And so I'll give you a couple more common ones. Like, should I get married versus should I not get married?

2:26This not should I, it's just, am I willing to make the trade, right? Should I have kids versus not having kids? Should I sacrifice my 20s versus sacrificing your 30s? There are always trade-offs. Like, if you sacrifice your 20s, you will miss out on some of the kind of youthful, fun experience that some people have. Like that's a trade. That's real. You will give up on some of that stuff. The question is, what are you trading it for? Now, the worst trades of all are the trades that we don't consciously make, but still trade anyways, right? Like you didn't get the fun experience of your twenties, but you also didn't build the nesting.

3:02You didn't build the reps. You didn't build the experience so that you could set yourself up in your thirties, right? And so a lot of like your thirties is a, is a reflection of how you lived your twenties, just kind of taken forward. Now, some people I meet love their 20s. They backpacked across Europe. They had all these different experiences. They got culturally enriched. And I love that for them. That wasn't the trade that I wanted to make. And so it would be ridiculous for me to say like, I want that. And I want to develop this very deep well of skill set that I can use for the rest of my life.

3:36Now, those people for sure build skills. Are those skills as marketable? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Some people are like, well, I could travel and learn. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I haven't, like, Zuck didn't do that. Bill Gates didn't do that. Elon didn't do that. So again, it's, there's also to what degree, right? How big do you want to go? And so I think like, you can't expect a 1 % outcome without having a 1 % trade-off, right? And I'll give you a different kind of, like, I give you a house example. Let me go really, really small. You walk into a store, there's a pair of shoes you like okay a pair of shoes you like you look at the price tag it says five hundred dollars at that point you make the decision is it worth the trade that's all it is right and then if you see somebody else make the trade this is how dumb the internet is they will then say like that guy's an idiot that guy's a moron but the thing is is that if that guy's a billionaire who cares what he traded like for him it made sense and if you're on food stamps and minimum wage,$500 shoes probably doesn't make sense for you.

4:37Probably not worth the trade. And so is the trade inherently good or bad? No, it's dependent on the person and their context, right? All of these are examples of trade-offs, right? And so the question is, what are the trades and are they worth it? The reason people struggle so much with making trades is because they know what they stand to lose, but not what they stand to gain. So the cost is guaranteed and fixed, but the upside is not, which is why it's so hard for so many people to make bets, especially on themselves. And so if you had a single belief that I could transfer to you is that you will figure it out if shit hits the fan.

5:17And when shit hits the fan, if it does and it will, the reality is it's not going to be as bad as you think it is. And so you have this fixed cost that you believe that will happen, but isn't actually real because it's a fear inside of your mind. You think if this bet doesn't work, I will go homeless, lose all my friends and die. But that's not reality. The worst case scenario for most people who are social, as in like just are functioning members of society is that you crash on someone's couch for a while. That's the actual worst case scenario. And I only say this because if you look at homelessness, right, the vast majority of homelessness, not all, the vast majority of homelessness is due to addiction and mental health issues.

6:01So my point is most people have this fear. Now, even the people who are, I'll say, I'll be politically, the unhoused, right? The unhoused, even the unhoused, it's hard to say. It's so funny. Anyways, even those folks still have food, still keep living, still have access to medical attention, okay? At least in the U.S., in the developed world, okay? And so I say this because the worst case scenario is that you have no boss, you have food, right? You have medical attention if you need it, and you walk on the streets doing whatever the hell you want. That's the worst case scenario. Some people might say that's better than their current scenario.

6:37And so when I think about this, I think about this in order to, Matt, I'll say that to be honest with you, which is that like your level of subjective well-being doesn't change a dramatic amount throughout your life. A lot of it is inherent, right? Like your demeanor, your disposition. And I'll give you a simple example that makes people uncomfortable. So think about how were dogs created, right? So there were wolves, right? And then there were some wolves that were a little nicer than the other wolves. And they were like, let's breed the nice wolves. And then nicer wolves breeding nicer wolves, breeding nicer wolves, eventually you get a Labradoodle, okay?

7:14Taken enough times. And so people don't like to think about humans in that same way. But like fundamentally, if you've got assholes breeding assholes, they tend to make more assholes. And if you've got nice guys and nice gals, they tend to make more nice people. Of course, there's genetic variety that happens there. But over time, that does happen. And so that also happens with happy people and unhappy people, believe it or not. And so a lot of that, like, of course, you operate within your genetic potential. Of course, like you can move things. Like you can have genetics for muscle and never work out.

7:43You're not gonna have the same level of muscle, right? Period. And so you might have genetics for more happiness or genetics for less happiness. Sure. And you want to maximize those things. But I only bring this up to say, we have this idea that we're going to like, I'll do this thing and then I will be happy. I will do this thing and then all my problems will be solved. But our brains are only meant and evolved to keep us alive. And most of that is about finding problems and potential threats within our environment, which tend to keep us stressed out and unhappy. And that core unhappiness, that core anxiety tends to move humans forward because we continue to innovate.

8:21We continue to try to solve problems because we all think that when we solve that problem, we're going to be happier. And we're not, but we do move civilization forward. And so I bring all of this up to say that the downside of your bets are not as bad as you think they are. And the upside of you making it all work is also not as good as you think it is. And so it's really, what do we want to do with our time? And so the people who are rewarded most in life are the ones who are willing to simply embrace uncertainty. It's just embracing the idea that you do not know what will happen. And so big picture, zooming back out, if we were to quantify the trades that we're willing to make, right, in terms of, I know I'm going to lose these years.

9:04but I will probably look back on this time and not be upset by it because of what I got in return. And a lot of this comes down to the framing of life happening for you, not to you. And I think that you can live a life without regret as long as you always believe that you had to go through that to get to where you are now. Period. So as much as you say, like, and I believe I can go back and say, if I had known this at this time, my God, I'd be so much further. But how could I have known that at that time? I had to go through this to know this, right? And played out the other way, let's say that I did know it at that time.

9:49And then I was better off now. Now what? I'm just better off. And I'm still going to be probably about as dissatisfied and satisfied as I am right now. and so some of you guys are sitting on the edge in decision purgatory you're trading the time you have you're trading the years of life but you're not getting anything for it and so the only thing that i would encourage you to do is be number one conscious of what you're trading and number two conscious what you're trading it for and as much as the people around you will decry or speak down or speak against you for making trades, the question is, do you want their life?

10:30Because I have yet to receive criticism from somebody who is ahead of me in any domain. I have not had people who are bigger than me say that I sucked at fitness and that I shouldn't work out. I haven't had people who are richer than me say that I shouldn't work as hard as I do. I haven't had people who were married longer than me tell me that I'm doing something wrong with my marriage. The only people who have shit to say are the people who have time to say it because they're on the sidelines doing shit. As in jack shit. And so I only say this because like I really struggled for a long time to get over what other people thought.

11:12It was very hard for me. And then I think like at some level, like at some point, you just have to prove to yourself that you will survive. that you will not die. And I'll tell you a very weird version of this story, but I think it could wrap us up, which is this. So believe it or not, when I was in up until eighth grade, I was a germaphobe. And that seemed probably maybe weird for you to see now. I mean, mind you, it was a long time ago. Eighth grade was a while ago for me. But before that point, I would hold my breath if someone was walking in front of me because I didn't want to breathe in their germs.

11:48if someone hit a doorknob that i saw i would like you know use my arm and work my way around and do all sorts of crazy you know canoodling um i'll do all sorts of craziness you're like where is this going i promise there's a point and it was it got to the point where it started to become a little bit debilitating started getting in the way of like how i live my life and so we had to go on this trip back in the day called expedition eight so you did an eighth grade it was like you went camping it was like a field trip and so we had to go five days uh in the middle of the woods with like our grade.

12:19And so we went out camping. Um, and I committed that it was going to be impossible for me to like be a germaphobe in the forest. I was like, this is like, this is not going to work. I'm not going to eat. Right. And so I basically was like, I'm just going to not wash my hands and I'm just going to eat everything that's there and just, just not worry about any cleanliness. and if I die, I die. And so the craziest thing happened. I did the five days. I had dirt on my hands while I was eating the food. I didn't wash my hands once. And then at the end of the trip, I was still alive. And then I waited another week to see if all of the maladies that were probably inside of me were going to come to fruition.

13:03And none of them did. And then at that point, I was like, so all of the energy that I've been putting into all of this concern around germs amounted to nothing. It was actually a very big moment for me. And I have maintained that viewpoint, you know, for the rest of my life. I just don't sweat about that stuff. And so other people's opinions are a lot like those germs. You think the whole time, like, you know, what if they like you're holding your breath? What if they say this? What if this happens? It's like, well, what if, and let's play it out. And then you realize that not only did you not die, no one cared to begin with.

13:43And no one's even thinking about you. And so like, and as somebody who has had a fair amount of like different people try to take shots at me, nothing's changed in my life. Nothing. People make hit videos. People take stuff that I said out of context. It's okay. It's the internet. If I expect to be completely understood, that is a silly goal to have. And I'll give you another story that really drove this home for me. So I was on TikTok, I think. This is a while ago. And I saw this really old white dude, just normal generic white dude, just giving like financial advice, talking about the economy or whatever.

14:18And he was getting roasted in the comments. Like, you know, grifter, like old man go home, like all sorts of craziness. Just telling him like he was a fake guru or whatever. The guy was Ray Dalio. He's worth$30 billion. and he's like 79 and he's just trying to like help people. He's like on TikTok trying to like help the younger generation. And when I saw that, I realized that you cannot save, like you will never be legitimate to the ignorant. And that to be hated by a bad person is a good thing. Think about that. Many of us want to avoid being hated in general. And I understand why. It makes sense.

15:06No one wants to get hated when you're growing up, etc. But think about the worst person in the world, right? Wouldn't you want them to hate you? Right? Like, we should judge our character by the quality of our enemies. And so, if somebody who's completely ignorant, who has no context, wants to speak ill of you or your goals or your way of life, take it as a compliment. Or at the very least, just feel bad for the fact that they don't know any better. But in no way should put weight on what they say in the scales of how you decide how to live. And so, anyways, I just say this because like, I've had too many voices that were too loud for too long in my life that prevented me from doing the things that I wanted to do.

15:58And so I share that little story about Expedition 8 and the dirt under the fingernails, if you will, that those germs, you think that they're going to kill you, and then nothing happens. They're just germs. The biggest gains come from the unknown. So that unknown upside. And so functionally, like, you can only go to zero, right? And if we really play it out, the likelihood of you going to zero as a regular person is almost zero. Right. But Baiso said this best, which is humans underestimate the upside and overestimate the downside is one of the fundamental psychological biases that humans suffer from.

16:39And it's because there's no real benefit for humans besides avoiding death. And so it makes sense that we'd have cognitive biases that disproportionately represent downside. Because if you didn't do that, your genes would not have proliferated and come down generations. The guy who thought, hey, maybe there's some upside if I eat the berries. It's like, well, then they die. And that's the end of that guy, end of his line. And so all the optimists are dead. All those genes ended. And so all that's left is the pessimists that continued to believe that the worst was happening and the world and the sky was falling.

17:14but it's like the world has changed our genetics haven't and so it's like we have to make these conscious decisions to realizing that all of the upside is in the uncertainty and the fact that you were uncertain so is everyone else but that is where the arbitrage lies the arbitrage lives in the uncertain and the delayed I'm going to say this again all the upside that you want in your life is on the other side of uncertainty and delay everything and it's because there's the two things that people are unwilling to bear the price of. They will not pay that price because it feels like too much because they don't know how much they have to pay and they don't know how long they have to pay it for.

17:52But I'm telling you that it is faster than you think it is. And it is not as scary, but you have to take the first step. And this again, it scales all the way up, right? Like we're taking some huge bets at acquisition.com. And there's a lot of stuff that I don't know how we're going to do it yet. But I believe that we have the ability to figure it out. Because if somebody else can figure it out, so can you. It's not like they're made of different tissue than you. It's not like they spend different money than you do. These things are solvable. And at the very least, there's somebody who knows how to solve it.

18:23And you can figure out how to do something for that person so they can help you. Whether that's money, whether it's a favor, whether that's relational capital, whatever you have to do. And so I want to transfer this to the greatest degree possible because I had so much fear. I was like, what if I don't figure it out? You keep trying. If you don't figure it out, of course, like you just, you didn't figure it out that time. You'll just figure it out the next time. Right? Like unless you die, right? And this is a Jocko Willett quote, which I'm so angry that it's his quote because I love it so much.

18:50But basically, all failure besides death is psychological.

19:00Did you die? No. Did you figure it out? No. Guess what? You're not dead. Try again.

19:10and I just wish I could pass it on because like that's the worst case and everyone's so afraid what if it doesn't work okay what if it does

19:23because if it doesn't work it'll change nothing but if it does work it'll change everything