The One Question to Ask About Any Relationship | Ep 991

0:00First date, I was like, this is what I want to do. Would you like to come with me? Yeah, but I think that that's not... It's because most people don't know their goals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think even now, like, we're able to articulate our goals so much better than we were in the beginning. We just knew we were like, trying to fucking go places. You know what I mean? And like, I'll do whatever it takes. Yeah. Hunger. But it's been like, and if the goal shifted, it was more like it got clearer more than it changed. Yeah. It was blurry, but it was like in the beginning it was directional.

0:31It was like, I want to go this way, and we'll figure it out as we go. But if one day you were like, I don't want to build these things, I don't want to build hospitals and build cities and see what two people can do in one lifetime, it would be very hard for me because it would be asking me to not be me. Yeah. And I don't know if I would be able to do that. I wouldn't expect you to. No, and I'm saying I think fundamentally because we both shared that goal the whole time, And we've never felt like I've, I mean, we get probably, I'm sure, lots of flack from the internet for this. But, like, I've never felt like I've had to make sacrifices for you.

1:08Like, I haven't had to compromise my goals, which is another way of saying I haven't had to compromise myself in order to be in our relationship. Yeah. I think I was really nervous in the beginning. And then over time, you only continually reinforced to me that I could be myself. because it was so many years of conditioning to hide what I really wanted. And I think that's actually like what you've taught me a lot is just like complete self-acceptance. A lot of it has been like me just sharing things with you of like how I really feel or like some may say like the dark side or like dark desires and the things that I want that feel in contrast with what maybe society projects on what I should want.

1:47And you've always just been like incredibly accepting every time. Even like when I was like, dude, I don't want to make dinner every night. I don't want to do all this stuff. And like, I was really worried. I was like, oh my gosh, like this is, but I was like, it's not aligned with my goals. Like me cooking dinner every night to be a good wife. I value myself here, leading people, making people's lives better. That lights me up. Making lasagna does not. And you were like, I don't even give a fuck. Yeah. I said, if you want to make dinner, I will be happy that you made dinner. If you want to make money, I will be happy that you made money.

2:21I mean, I think the question that people need to ask themselves is, does this person make it easier or harder to achieve my goals? And it doesn't mean that they're actively trying to sabotage you. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. No, it doesn't mean any of that. It's just like, it's that simple of a question. Also, I think the proxy to that is like, do I respect myself more or less being in a relationship with this person? That's something that I prompted to, you know, a friend of mine months ago when they were trying to navigate a really tough relationship. and I was like, do you, I watch you lose respect for yourself every day that you're in a relationship?

2:55Because this person is actually, you're trying to go towards your goals and they're actively dragging you away. It was somewhat active sabotage. And then it's like, not only are you not going towards your goals, but you're actually degrading your sense of self. I think it's also the, like, what traits about this person do I admire, number one? Because whatever they have is going to rub off on me. And then if I see myself with a blend of my traits and theirs, does that new person, is that new person more or less likely to achieve my current goals? And so, like, I know that I need to be more patient.

3:37And so you having patience is like, yeah, if I had some of that rub off on me, that'd be a good thing. Hey, if I was a little more empathetic, that would probably rub off. That'd probably be a good thing. That'd probably increase the likelihood that I hit my goals. and I think a lot of people have really mid significant others just really like just a human great, congrats they're like this person did not leave when I was there it's like well that's cool it's actually interesting because we even met somebody who said like I met this girl on a date and she just never left and that was why they were with them they were like yeah she brought her bags and then we just like first date kept dating I was like did you ever pause to think this is the right person for you?

4:20yeah she just hung around again it's like does this like I love the sword of Gryffindor from Harry Potter I'll say it again but it had an enchantment on it which was it only drinks in that which makes it stronger and I think it's like you're gonna you are that metal you are that sword and you're gonna be putting yourself into a bath with this other person but you may not only take in that which makes you stronger you may just take in everything and that may end up making you weaker and when i say weaker i mean less likely to achieve the things that you want or become the person that you want to become and i i think it's just i think it's very hard for people because everyone is just so afraid of being alone and i think maybe the first step is being okay with being alone being like i i would rather be with just me than be with someone who makes me less like me in order to be with them i mean i remember well But before we met, I'd been alone for like almost two years.

5:13I got out of a bad relationship and I was like, what am I doing? I don't want to recreate that again, you know? And I think being alone was, it's just never, and even so, like even now, if I'm, like I like, we both actually really like alone time. Which I think is really important in terms of like, we don't have like high requirements. You know what I mean? Everything's such a bonus, which I think is actually what I really like, is things that when I was young were told, like, you need, you have needs, you have emotional needs, you have these. I think it was all a fucking lie. And I think it's actually really unhealthy if you have to put, quote, needs upon a partner.

5:55And I think I've become such a better person and a better spouse for looking at things as, like, bonuses. Like, if we get to spend an afternoon together on Sunday afternoon, bonus. but if you tell me that you have to work or i tell you that i have to work fine i'm not gonna be upset about it i'm gonna go do stuff for myself yeah right like a lot of people don't know how to be busy basically a lot of people have nothing going on in their lives yeah it's fair and so they require their spouse or significant other for attention affection and approval dance they need them yeah they're like hey i'm bored entertain me and some people literally say that which i find ridiculous but i think a really good limbus test is what is this person entering my life change about my behavior?

6:37And so thinking, okay, when I'm on my own, I work out like this. I eat like this. I work like this. I go to sleep at this time. These are the social things that I find meaningful or interesting. Now, when this person enters my life, how many of those things that when I had nothing interfering with me change in their expression? Do I work less? Do I work out less? Do I eat differently? Do I spend my time differently? well if that occurs then all of those changes will certainly change the outputs of your life and are those changes the outputs changes to the outputs what you want and i think most people if they really looked at themselves in the mirror be like no yeah