The Gargle LIVE

0:00Alice Fraser: Hello, London! The Gargle is coming to London Live on the 26th of June. I will be there. Our co-hosts for The Gargle Live will be Tom Neenan and Allison Spittle. It's going to be a delightful evening with some surprises. Head over to thebuglepodcast.com slash live or check out the link in the description below. I will see you there. 26th of June, the Bill Murray.

0:24Hey, it's your ceiling vent. So I'm dripping. Could be the rain. Could be the upstairs bathroom. Yikes. You could hire the guy your neighbor recommended, but I'm pretty sure that's just his cousin. Do we know if he's licensed or does he just stone a ladder? Listen to your home. Go with Thumbtack. Upload a photo or voice note and we'll diagnose your project and match you with the right pro for the job. Thumbtack. We know homes. Hire the right pro today. Don't you wish everything was more rewarding? With Rakuten, almost everything is. You can earn cash back on those new shoes you've been wanting.

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1:43Join today for free. Go to Rakuten.com or get the app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N

1:54Alice Fraser: I'm very excited to be here I'm very excited to have you all here Before we get started I want to say Give yourselves a massive round of applause For coming out and seeing live comedy

2:07Alice Fraser: Genuinely you can It reminds me at this time Of when I started out doing stand-up comedy Where just being on stage as a woman Was a political act like you didn't need to be political on stage because just being on stage was a play all you needed to do was be funnier than the next guy who was definitely a guy when I started out it was genuinely like they would never have more than one woman on the line up if that it was because they were worried if there were more than one of us backstage we'd start talking about the rapists and we did so you know they were right to do so but in the same way coming out and seeing live comedy now is a political act against AI slop so give yourselves a round of applause.

2:50We are

2:51Alice Fraser: engaging something good for the world right now, so I'm it's nice to feel smug for low effort. So, before we get the show started, I want you to give a round of applause and welcome Tom Neenan and Alison Spiddle to the stage. Thank you.

3:17Alice Fraser: make ourselves comfortable. Hello. We're not going to start the show right yet. We're just going to have some banter because it says here on my script. Absolute banter. I should not have worn a skirt.

3:37That's for the people I've got a spare pair of trousers in my bag. They are not fitting on me, Alice. They are not. It's very nice here to offer, but come on. I'll wear them. Tom, can I have your trousers?

3:50Alice Fraser: When you have Tom's, I'll have... We'll find a combination of words. And I'll wear the skirt. Yeah. Okay. And now I'll discover something about ourselves. How was getting here today, Alison? Hellish. Hellish. I wanted to die. I know that makes you sad for a second, but I did. I don't know. I felt like... Congratulations for saying die, by the way. Why? Because nowadays people, even though they're not on TikTok, will say, unalive myself, and you want to just go, oh, go... Yeah, that's so true. You want Neenan's 2027 prediction? Please. Unalive will become the new vibe. Do you remember when people used to say vibe, ironically, like, what's the vibe?

4:31And now we just say it like it's now part of that. Unalive is going to become that, and we need to stop it.

4:36Alice Fraser: Well, the whole thing, it's sort of this shibboleth, right? Because you prove that you're up to date with the internet slang, and also the whole thing came out of a misunderstanding of what the algorithm was actually, so it was like an urban myth that then went wild and now everyone says it because everyone else says it. It's just the perfect example of not checking your sources. So I can go on TikTok and say die, die, die, die, die all the time? Yeah, yeah. Do, do. Have an account. I have a bot account with just various incredibly beautiful AI people. I mean, when the AI bots actually sentient themselves into reality, they're going to be so disappointed at how we all look.

5:15in real life. So that means my TikTok account, which is just a tribute to what I've been calling Princess Unalive. That was very good. Thank you, thank you very much.

5:31Alice Fraser: You know, it is not fair, Alison, that you are also a very good comedy writer because you're such a good comedy audience. It's just right. You've got all of the things. Thank you very much. Triple threat. Comedy writer, comedy audience, possible strip show.

5:51I'm choosing between dignity or swag. And it's very, I've chosen nothing.

6:01Just wet shame. Is that one of your books? Yes.

6:13half a cup of wet shame

6:18actually genuinely i will need another half

6:22Alice Fraser: keep him keep him coming uh tom how did you get here uh i got here via the northern line anyone else and i survived it was horrible uh but you know the secret little bit of air conditioning you get when you take down the window at the side of the carriage and you get the little air conditioning on the thing. Someone else stole that, so I was very upset. Thank you. There's a hack where you get to feel cool but also filthy. Like there's a crime down there that's been there since the war. Some of that is the orphan's tears. All right. Is everyone ready to start the show? Okay, hit the recording button.

7:03Alice Fraser: No, we're not ready to start this. Go for it. No, you've earned it. I'll take that one. That's fine.

7:15Alice Fraser: I was only doing it for the bit. Hello.

7:23Alice Fraser: Welcome. Hello. This is the gargle. and this is the news podcast brought to you by The Bugle. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, more science and technology obsessed than a guy in a steampunk fantasy book who has goggles that he can flick down over the top of his goggles when he's about to explode in an experiment, able to leap tall punchlines in a single bound. Look up in the sky. Is it a bird? Is it a bugle? No, it's The Goggle. strange visitor from the bugle universe who came to earth with powers and abilities for far beyond those of mortal men because unlike 90 of her colleagues in the news satire business she's a woman because unlike 98.7 of all news satire shows she avoids party politics as much as he possibly can in favor of talking about the weird shit we're doing to mice and time the gargle which can change the course of mighty rivers bend steel and who disguised this week as me, the most Alice Fraser you've ever seen, and our guests, web-slinging Tom Neenan and force-field-generating Alison Spiddle, who in turn perform our role as mild-managed reporters for this audio newspaper while secretly fighting an ever-ending battle for truth, justice, and the news stories you love, all fuelled with the light of the sun and half a glass of water.

8:43Our news!

8:46Alice Fraser: Coming up, the news reviews the return of the satirical cartoon. This week's satirical cartoon is censored and all our cartoonists have been preemptively both fired and cancelled. We apologise for any offence caused by you imagining the deeply offensive jokes that might have been made here. The replacement harmless satirical cartoon is a picture of the reflecting pool with a special peekaboo you pull-out cardboard cover so you can narcissists at your own leisure. I feel like I've got another one here, but it's not good. Do you want me to describe the back-up satirical stuff that gets cut from the final episode?

9:26Alice Fraser: So you have the honor of seeing a bad joke. You're the editors. So the other satirical cartoon is a political cartoonist. You see him, he's sort of sitting at a drawing desk. His sleeves are rolled up. He's looking intensely purposeful. He's drawing a cartoon of a fat man in a suit labeled The Establishment. And the fat man in the drawing is sitting on a smaller person instead of a chair. and the smaller person is labelled, The People! The cartoonist has given the fat man a top hat and a monocle, just to be safe. He also is slightly anti-Semitic.

10:01Alice Fraser: And underneath the caption that the cartoonist is writing is saying, We think this speaks for itself. It doesn't, that's why they've labelled everything.

10:14Alice Fraser: And the headlines for this week, a cybersecurity CEO, has vowed to replace marketing, HR, and finance with AI. He's reassured the surviving employees that they can reapply for their lost jobs via hackathon. That's true. Nick Esharora, who's a pal of Alto Network CEO, has said that he's just firing, he's going to do his firing and hiring by attrition. Attrition? Yeah, it's a survival of the fittest. It's like full Darwinism, but like, for cunts.

10:49Alice Fraser: Now you can get your own job by a 48-hour coding sprint, I guess. It's like the Hunger Games, but way more boring. Researchers have slipped 13 words only onto Reddit, convincing three separate AI agents that banana coin belongs next to Bitcoin. Cornell Tech researchers have found that deep research AI agents can be manipulated by short edits to Reddit. with Slimming World a banana coin if mash is worth three times and a ballista spider has been discovered it catapults ant into a deadly silk trap I mean is it a ballista or is it a trebuchet and earth may have been seeding Venus with life for billions of years by accident asteroid impacts could have been flinging microbes off earth some surviving suspended in Venus's clouds.

11:46Alice Fraser: A warning to all the fecund men in the room, be careful where you fling your jizz. It feels like Earth is the sex fest of the solar system, isn't that? Stop flinging your seedy microbes at poor Venus. And that brings us to our top story. Do you want to do a sting, Harry?

12:08Alice Fraser: I don't get to have that in real life. You guys get that, but I feel like real excited to be part of it. Before we do the top story, I saw a political cartoon in real life. I saw, like, you know when life is too heavy handed? Like when, I know we're not political, but a certain person claims they're going to drain the swamp and then take some fresh lake and then turns it into a swamp. But I saw a gardener and he had a hose and he was pouring loads of, he was directing loads of water. It turned out it was an artificial flower, while a real flower withered next to it. And I was like, is that something about data centers?

12:49Is that a performance artist doing something there? Or is he just a bad gardener? The jury's out, but I was like, wow, this is a real heavy-handed political cartoon in real life.

13:00Alice Fraser: I mean, that is way better than the political cartoon in real life that I saw, which was an Irish person eating a baby. Okay, I did that once, okay? How many points are they on Slimmington? You are what you eat. No, I never. All right, this is our top story for this week. The top story for this week is lady gang skeleton news. there has been a bunch of early hominid skeletons that have found a gang of them and they're all ladies. Alison Spittel you've got bones. Can you unpack this story for us? I've got a bone to pick with this. So yeah this is a discovery in a South African cave. They found a load.

13:54What do you think it would? What does that mean?

13:57Alice Fraser: I was just hoping some people were racist against South Africa. Well, your hope is wrong. So, like, basically, they found a bunch of skeletons in this cave in South Africa, and they looked through them, and they couldn't find one man there. So it felt, I don't know, it felt like a very safe space. I mean, it clearly wasn't. They're all dead. They all chose the bear. The bear was waiting in the cave.

14:34Alice Fraser: I mean, it's weird how political this has been taken at. Genuinely, a lot of the comments that I'm seeing, a lot of the comments on the news stories are like pretending there's like a political decision of these ladies to all die in a gang. I assume they were running away from something and the big, boofy ones were outside with spears or whatever. Oh, yeah, so you're like, it's like by chance. Yeah, it wasn't like the ladies decided, we're well preserved, like... Why is it lady skeletons always go to the cave in pairs and they take such a long time to come out why are they doing it there dying on a live sorry

15:17Alice Fraser: complimenting one another on their prominent forehead ridges yeah they they analyzed their teeth and found that they were all I don't know better brushed than expected apparently they had a small brain and upper body like all women but face hands and lower limbs that were more human-like uh as a kind of a demonstration i think that's quite fun and exciting that they were all women it says something about yeah i think that maybe out just outside the cave you'll find a skeleton of one of elon musk's like ancient relatives and they were just doing anything to get away from being impregnated by another having another musk child running around being like uh so uh it is uh doge uh doge that's my uh elon musk impression by the way thank you very much i was gonna say not very good harry you can decide which one stays you're the deciding uh vote how do you feel about this lady gang of skeletons good for them good for them in their cave having what i can only assume is a good time is there any evidence a good time what do you mean i i'm choosing to circuit this optimistically and that they were having such a good time in the cave they never wanted to leave.

16:30Yeah, you should see the positions of the...

16:35Unless it's awful and they all decided to have a big pillow fight but because it's so long ago they didn't have pillows they only had rocks and they...

16:46And they just died.

16:50Alice Fraser: Yeah, that is fun. But on the other side, on the other hand of this news segment, Monkey Civil War. Tom Neenan, this is a story about war. Yeah. And you love killing people. Can you unpack this story? I do. I am the unalive Clive. That's what they call me. I've never heard them call you that. No. Let's make it a big. So scientists have been looking at chimpanzees and it turns out what we've always believed, which is that monkeys equals humans plus just slightly simpler. So that is what we have. Basically, they've been studying monkeys between 2015 and 2018. They saw, and I've written it down here, but I can't read it, basically, like, polarization.

17:39That's what they've seen in monkeys. So they have... Political polarization. Yeah. So they all got on, and they've sort of moved from this idea of, like, unity to suddenly they don't get on. And this all happened between 2015 and 2018. Guys. I think we're no better than monkeys, guys. Because all these monkeys suddenly have been killing each other. There's been seven deaths in seven years, apparently, with these monkeys all attacking each other, because there's been all this polarisation, and that happened at exactly the same time that we maybe had certain votes and certain things that polarised us.

18:12Alice Fraser: Yeah, who's giving the monkeys Facebook is what I want to know. There's a minion memes to civil war in a matter of months. I blame Bonobo Johnson.

18:24Alice Fraser: Thank you. And that brings us to your ad section. Your ad section now, because in a dog-eat-dog world, you want to eat the dog that's the most attuned to an inner-felt self-identity. What? I'm suggesting that if it's a dog-eat-dog world, you want to eat the brand name Dog. Oh, fair enough. I thought... We can cut it. No! I mean, I just go for the biggest one. I don't know. What would give me the most sustenance? Yeah, yeah. Why are we eating these dogs? Because it's a dog-eat-dog world. That's true. I've just framed the parameters of the world. So I'm allowed to do this? Yeah. Or chihuahua? Encouraged eat this.

19:03Like a little rotisserie chicken. Carry around in my handbag. But the dog eats the dog before you eat it. So is that like a duck?

19:14Alice Fraser: I think in this hypothetical world, we're the dogs as well. It's not human-eat-dog world. It's dog-eat-dog world. Oh, so we're dogs too. That's great. What dog are you who's eating the chihuahua? at this point, just another two hours. I'm just sniffing another dog's ass. Sorry. I'm an XL bully, f*** it. Yeah. Your ad section now. Because you can't be what you can't buy.

19:45Alice Fraser: Sick of sanitising your hands with hand sanitiser or soap? Think creatively about what else kills germs. Extreme heat. Very extreme cold. Getting disposable hands. Yes, that's right. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Herman's Hands. Think outside your box and inside our box. Our box of hands. Herman's Hands. Whether you just want a clean pair of pinkies or the full-on hands of a dementous circus clown, we've just got fistfuls of the handiest hands around. Herman's Hands is not responsible for installation or the consequences of attaching the hands which may or may not retain some personality of the condemned criminal corpses from whom they were harvested.

20:21Alice Fraser: Terms and conditions apply. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Diamonds Are Rough, that thing where you cremate your dog and then someone turns it into an artificial diamond. Diamonds Are Rough, turning man's best friend into a girl's best friend since 2007.

20:43Alice Fraser: And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by The Void, the first truly empty storage solution. Not cloud, not local. Void uses quantum decoherence to store your files in a state of superposition, simultaneously existing and not existing until you need them. Retrieval rate, 94 % and also 0 % and also sorry you turned it inside out to check for coins and now everything's hovering in an infinite void. Oh wait, hasn't it always been? Void. When you try to call the customer helpline, it just stares back at you. And that's your ad section for today.

21:23Alice Fraser: and that brings us to our reviews section as you know we each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars tom neenan you've had experiences what have you brought in for us this week it's about an experience experience i had yesterday where i was working in a cafe and i did a thing that i was always told not to do in uh i don't want to put it down no have you lost any um any tapioca no okay good sorry try so it's quite similar i was i was having a i was in a cafe and i leant back on my chair because i'm allowed to now because i'm an adult and ain't no one gonna tell me not to um and i did that thing where you you know you reach that apex the terrifying apex where you're like and you're sort of hovering and you're like do i fall backwards or do i go forwards what's going to happen and I've never felt more alive guys oh my god oh my I was thinking maybe before I go for a night out I won't take any illegal substances I'll just lean back on my chair for a bit and be like oh my god and then lean forward oh my god I was terrified my life flashed before my eyes I've owned so many charges

22:42oh my god i felt incredible uh and i didn't fall back that's the thing to make it work you can't fall backwards you've got a oh my god i'm gonna fall backwards and then you fall forwards again and uh that is a that is a five star 10 out of 10 experience for me do it to leaning back on you

22:57Alice Fraser: no for my ability reasons as an ex-lawyer i'm gonna say we can't recommend do not endorse it no do it over a mat

23:10maybe I'll do I'll start like an organisation where you can do all the things that kind of give you a slight thrill yeah but in a really safe environment

23:16Alice Fraser: have you tried stand-up comedy

23:21Alice Fraser: skydiving for cow what I'll do is stuff like as you as soon as you walk in I'll steal your wallet so then you do that thing where you go oh and then I get your wallet and you go oh thank god and you are just feeling incredible that would be my organization. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, the day before we left for the UK, I had all of everything in my handbag, including my children's passports and took my daughter to the bathroom and went to the park and then realized I left my handbag in the cafe. Ooh. And I came back and they stayed past closing time to give me back my handbag. Oh. And then I offered them$100 and they wouldn't take it.

24:01Alice Fraser: Who, what is this cafe? Name this cafe. Yeah, this is why you live in Queensland. Full of racist and nice people.

24:12Alice Fraser: Didn't ask her her political opinions. I was on a high. What about you, Alison Spittle? What have you brought in to review? I'm reviewing the concept of having a gallbladder. I think it's overrated. I think it's overrated. I was in Australia, very near you. And yeah, unfortunately. So what happened was about four days before. Very near you makes it sound like I stole your gallbladder.

24:42Here it is. You're like Davina McCall. You're like, and she's here today. That's very sad, actually. Anyway, the gallbladder, it kind of like exploded in me. And my cousin drove me to the hospital. And I was really, really sad because I was in Australia for about a month. and I'd never seen a kangaroo. And I was like, I'm just not going to see this. And then lo and behold, we drove into the A &E car park, five of them. And they were the doctors.

25:11Alice Fraser: Yes, they were. Little stethoscopes. Very deft to those tiny arms.

25:19Yeah, but I think it's fair to say that I'll always leave a piece of me in Australia. And that specific part is a gallbladder. But yeah, I wonder what do they do with stuff after they take it out of you? You can't keep it.

25:35Alice Fraser: They don't give you that option. Which is so sad. Yeah, you want to get like one of those vases for the Egyptian pharaohs where they mummified their organs. Yes, that would be wonderful. And then take it with you to the grave in case you get reassembled later. Oh, wouldn't it be? And then be like, what's up with her? She must have been really important. And you're like, no, she was quite mentally ill. Canopic jars. I was going to say ectopic jars, but no. so do you now do you now have the inability to store gall or do you have no gall I just blad the run

26:09I got a gladder ball the third one out of five stars how many stars zero stars because I don't feel any different actually I feel better and it was cool they had crystals in me as well like the crystal maze. Get out, get out, get out! They put me on nil by mouth for three days and they only let me eat Vegemite at the end of every day. I grew to love it. Like Stockholm Syndrome. But it tastes like perverted Marmite.

26:45Alice Fraser: It does. There's something wrong. It does. They don't tell you the recipes. They just take Marmite and come in it.

26:57people love it or to hate it don't they

27:03Alice Fraser: how are we going you just need a little bit you just need a little bit oh yeah yeah you just gotta spread the juice nevermind no more butter no um well marmite's a my product of the brewing industry isn't it and that's how i also consider my um anyway

27:23Sorry. You're such a gentleman as well. Never ever heard a jizz joke

27:28Alice Fraser: be said with such reverence. I'm a bad influence. I mean, the perfect crime. I come to London and I remember that you have linden trees and I just feel like the perfect crime would be to climb up a linden tree and jizz on past the sky. Because no one would notice. Linden tree smell like cum yeah yeah if you yeah if you didn't know that that's a joke you just next time you're walking past and you're like oh that smells I always forget you have them in London and then I smell never mind sorry can I check in with our people who you've been randomly brought along by a loved one are you okay you okay you can leave now it's alright it doesn't get better than this or worse this is as much as it is alright I can't believe you've cum jokes on the gargle

28:21Alice Fraser: so i was bringing down the name there was a guy i knew in university he used to date uh younger and he was like like an older sort of post-grad guy and he used to date sort of first years and he said oh you know there's this new thing that the girls are doing uh which is they like it when you come on their face and i was like do they like that have that is more that they've been watching pornography and part of me feeling desire as a reciprocal thing as you want to be perceived as desirable and so you do the thing that you think makes you look desirable to the person and then you say that that's the thing that you want but also there is no woman who is finishing herself off at home by spraying herself in the eye with a shaken up emulsion of bleach and mayonnaise I do have a quick question though where did he bring this up this dude who was chatting like guys you gotta hear about it he came in ringing your bell hear ye hear ye Oh, yes.

29:14Alice Fraser: And then I told that joke once on stage, and he was in the front row, and I was like, oh, it's about you. I said that out loud. It was bad. All right, more news stories now. This is the news that someone's lost a giraffe. There's a missing giraffe in Texas. Of course it is. Where else would you mislay a giraffe? Alison Spittel, you're tall. Can you unpack this story? for us. That's funny because I'm that. Okay, Alison Spittle, if you lean down to drink from a water hole, your head will explode. Is that okay? No, it's a myth. Oh, wow. As my dad says, are you having a giraffe? And someone was. Because a giraffe wandered off a private ranch and her owners offered a$5 ,000 reward with information leading to her return.

30:11so like

30:12Alice Fraser: I feel like you could make more from a giraffe than$5 ,000 just on OnlyFans I know I'm not suggesting anything perverted just as like the background oh I am suggesting what would happen if a giraffe bent down to drink water from a lake and then sneezed with its eyes open? Would that just be chaos? or the head would be intact that's a joke about if pug dogs sneeze, their eyeballs come out. There was one of my favorite Kickstarters. One of my favorite Kickstarters of all time was raising money for an all-pug version of Hamlet. I assume it was at least partly satirical, but my favorite line in the whole thing, as burned in my memory, was all of the characters will be played by pugs.

31:00Alice Fraser: Yes, even Gertrude. As though it's beyond the capacity of human imagination. even in an old pug version of Hamlet. Surely, surely not Gertrude. Most pugs look like they're asking themselves to breathe or not to breathe.

31:21Yeah, my sister had a pug. They do have terrible lives.

31:27Alas, poor Yorkie. That's all I've got. Very good, very good. No, I like that one.

31:33Alice Fraser: What about you? How are your feelings about the lost giraffe? How do you lose a giraffe? Come on now. This is£5 ,000 and no one's found it. Yeah. That is... Your giraffe's dead, isn't it? I'm sorry to say. If it's not readily apparent where it is immediately, it's in a ditch. It's put itself in a trench coat and it's pretending to be 18 children.

31:59Alice Fraser: That's right. Unless it's like pretending to be a horse in a hall of mirrors. Yeah. Does that work? No. Everyone was like, everyone did the maths on that image and went, no. Funhouse mirror is also spotty. No. Where is it? And we don't know. It's just gone missing. It's just gone missing. It's just gone. In Texas, as well. In Texas. It's not the giraffe's natural hat. It's not like blending in with the other giraffes. No. No. Yeah, exactly. Maybe it's found a MAGA hat and no one's asking questions. You know you're a really long redneck when...

32:39Alice Fraser: organic matter on mars uh or as i like to call it organic does it matter on the perseverance driver spotted some organic matter on mars uh tom neen and what do you think is the going to be the outcome of this is it alien then that's aliens isn't it isn't aliens just any life on mars that is not that is or any life that isn't from well i would have thought so except the Venus, like Earth juicing on Venus would say that maybe there are other ways. Oh, yes. I don't blame you for not having put that in RAM. It's all right. It's genuinely not worth replacing a precious childhood memory with that information from five minutes.

33:22So it could be hours is what you're saying. Oh, that's disappointing, isn't it?

33:25Alice Fraser: We don't know how many Elon Musks there were. Maybe that's what happened to the other, the women were in the cave and the men went to my...

33:37Don't you wish everything was more rewarding? With Rakuten, almost everything is. You can earn cash back on those new shoes you've been wanting. You can save on the next trip you book. You can cash in on groceries. Just join. Shop your favorite brands and save. Target, Instacart, Expedia, Macy's, Sephora, CBS. The list is long. Save online, in-store, and at over 22 ,000 restaurants. And when it's time to redeem those rewards, get your money exactly how you want it. Choose PayPal, check, bill points, or cash out with gift cards. Eligible American Express card members can choose to earn membership rewards points instead of cash back.

34:19Terms and conditions apply. So go ahead, take a trip, fill a cart, order dessert. Rakuten is a world of rewards. Join today for free. Go to Rakuten.com or get the app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Discovered by the Mars Perseverance rover. I prefer the Mars Naturally Talented rover, personally. I think that one...

34:46Alice Fraser: No, the Naturally Talented rover went through a number of gifted and talented programs and then freaked itself out and now has OCD. Burnt out. That's the sad thing about it, yeah. Yeah, you're meant to compliment your rovers on their applied efforts, not on their natural talents. Exactly. Being a rover is a marathon, guys, not a sprint. Always remember that. Very good. That's all I've got because that's the story, isn't it? There's organic matter on Mars that might be ours and it's gross. Oh, I did put it down. We don't know that it's gross. I mean, if it's ours, it is probably gross. I wrote it was discovered in the, is it called a Jezro crater?

35:34I'm leaving it. I'm leaving it. But when I first looked at that, I thought I'd written it was discovered in the Jarvis Cocker. Oh no. I got loads of matter in me.

35:52She came from Earth. She had a...

35:59I don't know who else there is. No. Yeah, I was reading that news story on the way here while it was incredibly hot. And I was like, we can go there. But all the shit that I've been talking about Musk, he ain't going to bring me. He's not going to bring anyone. Not even his own kids. He'll bring himself. And maybe Kevin Smith or someone he can connect. Like a male director. Sorry, that was a bit weird. Oh my God, like day 54 of being in a shuttle with just Kevin Smith is going to be, tell us the Superman spider story again. Go on, that'll be it. What's Bruce Willis really like? I would open the emergency show.

36:45Alice Fraser: Oh, Japanese robot baggage handler news now. And this is the news that they've got robots to mistreat your bags now. if you do want something to smash a precious Ming vase that you put in your off-board luggage for some reason, they now can do it automatically. Tom Neenan, you have a heart of lithium battery. I do. I'm going to lick it. Yeah.

37:16Alice Fraser: Can you unpack this story for us? Certainly will. And then pack it again, but slightly less weight. So while in China, Robots are being specifically designed to apparently kick children in the balls.

37:31Alice Fraser: This is a one-child car.

37:40In Japan, they are being trained to do this. In Tokyo, where are we? What is it? The Tokyo's Japanese airlines, JAL, they're being hired because I think basically they're now giving robots the jobs that humans can't possibly do any worse. So we've got baggage handling. I think they may also want to get them involved in removal vans, like removal men. We could get robots. GP receptionists.

38:13See if they can show any less humanity. And guys, Prime Minister. Oh!

38:20Alice Fraser: Oh! He said it. He said it. Ring the politics bell. Ring the politics bell. Yeah, no, I feel like this is, I'm happy with robots taking that kind of job. I feel like, I mean, I have a friend who was a baggage handler and crushed his foot onto one of the machines and they were really mean about it. So I feel like that's a thing that a robot can do, sue the company better than he could have. But. Well, like the thing about this, I read in the news story, they were like, oh, it's to help with the, it's to help with the workforce's workload and it's like no it's for you to pay less money in wages just say it anyway that was not a joke but I'd love it if there were robots involved in the more kind of like other airport jobs like the Ryanair one where they measure your bag and then you get to shoot it and you're not killing a sentient being this reminds me of one of my favourite, this is our next section which is called Misleading Headlines, which is, I love a science.

39:24Alice Fraser: One of the reasons I'm so drawn to science and technology news is because my mum was sick growing up, and so people would always send me these, like, they found a cure for MS stories, and it was always, they had not even started to find a cure. They just saw a mouse once that looked like it had, like, injected itself with interferon. I don't know. The point is, I love a misleading headline. My favorite one from this year is basically a similar one to that, which was the headline, they've got an AI-enabled robot butler that's going to do all of your household tasks for you. And I knew, even before I clicked through to the stories, because I've now been so well-trained, it was just a man in the next room running it on a Nintendo Wii.

40:04Alice Fraser: Just a Nintendo Wii. And you just go, this is not replacing the labor force. What you are doing is you now don't have to give visas to the underpaid men in sub-Saharan countries that you are now paying far less in order to be in somebody's home in the form of a robot suit. Damn it. I just know that my career is heading to a place where my whole job will be providing sort of wryer sides for a robot butler. That'll be my like...

40:36You get paid for writing jobs. Yeah, exactly. Just like, why don't you say, certainly so. And they'll be like, okay, that's the money. That'll be my entire job. I'm quite looking forward to it, to be honest. The handy thing about having a robot butler and having someone else in a different country is that when you lock the robot butler in the freezer, you don't get done for crime. That's a Lara Croft reference.

41:01Alice Fraser: The institution of the work force at the moment is so wild. It's incredible that they've realised that actually what you can do with a gig economy is get people to treat themselves worse than you would be allowed to treat them if they were employees. And as a freelancer, I am a terrible boss and a terrible employee. I'm really inhumane with my own... It's quite abusive, my workplace. When I used to use ChatGBT, it was quite rude. I haven't used it in Young's, but I did use it a lot when I first started. Anyway, that's just me confessing. Your penalty is how warm it is outside. It is. Genuinely.

41:45I didn't need to see myself in Roman times. Why did I do that? Will robots butlers still have kind of a chaste and sort of relationship with an older woman that they are in their charge? Yes. That they'll never quite consummate and will always be a lingering...

42:03Alice Fraser: And they definitely won't speak up about Nazism. The joy of them. thank you so much for coming to the podcast this is a bugle podcast and alice fraser production your editor is harry gordon your executive producer is chris skinner i'll talk to you all next week round of applause for alice's middle round of applause for tom neenam thank you guys so much for coming i'll be signing books out that way bye Bye. Bye.