Nikki Glaser on Sex, Shame, & Stand-Up

25:31She's not, she doesn't want you to be as hot as she is. She's selling you foot cream. She's doing, she's mean girlsing you, you know? And I was doing it for a while on stage and I was going to put it in a special, but I was like, actually, I think I kind of like J-Lo. And then I was watching her documentary and then I really liked her. and I was like, oh, I've had this chick all wrong. Like she's, any kind of opinion I had about her was like the media pushing it down my throat. Like it was a story I was being told. I was being brainwashed. I think I can see through all of this and I really like her.

26:01And I realized like, what's this joke about? Oh, she's so pretty. Nikki, you're just jealous. Like you're just, did she do anything to you except be pretty? And then when I was able to like pinpoint that, then I, so I talked about this on a separate thing that she actually saw and which I never intended for her to see it. But I was willing to tell that joke knowing that if she ever did see it, it was couched around me being like, I'm just jealous of you, JLo. So she sent me her face cream and said, this is for your feet. So funny. And I didn't even remember saying it. I was just like, why does, what am I doing?

26:33Like who sent me this? And we've since become like friends from it. But it's like, yeah, there's certain people that I like, I do think have a good sense of humor about this. In fact, like at the Golden Globes, Like I thought, you know, Ariana and Cynthia would have no sense of humor about Wicked. It is Wicked. It is about marginalized people being the, you know, like this is a triumphant story of overcoming discrimination. And we are not to joke about Wicked because it is musical theater. It is gay. It is like, it's everything that society is like kind of already, they're already struggling enough.

27:06Why poke fun at this thing? And so, and also, you know, their interview cycle was just so like, so sincere. Right. And I didn't want any moment. Lots of tears. Tears, yes, the whole thing. Nails and holding hands. Yes, it was holding space, the whole thing. And I was there for it, but man, did I want to mock it, right? Also, like so many jokes written about that kind of like mocking Wicked. And I was just like, I don't think this is it, guys. Like in my writer's room saying, you know, like we all kind of collectively agreed. If we're going to go after celebrities, maybe not Cynthia and Ariana, because the worst thing to do an award show is to cut to a celebrity that you make fun of.

27:42and they're like, you know, like, and then no matter how funny you are, you've bombed because that person just rolled their eyes at you. And like, even me as someone who's savvy would go, that guy bombed. Like, no matter what, because the reaction is everything. Like, it's so important, the cutaways, so important. So, you know, I explicitly told the director and which they already are on it. Like, we don't go to a table that's not laughing. We go to comedians. Like, let's start like with comedians and like make sure you see who's laughing. And we watch other award shows to see who's good laughers, you know?

28:18Oh, wow. It's a whole, this is amazing. You see, this is back to your insane preparedness. Yeah, just like don't, like let's not, and let's not put a camera in someone's face who like doesn't want it there. Like that's annoying too. Like I've had that happen at award shows. Who's a good, you know, celebrity laugher then? Steve Martin and Martin Short because they're like comedians. They're already there for it. Yeah, they'll be into it. I mean, looking back on it now, Eddie Redmayne was amazing. Adrian Brody had a sense of, like there were people that I was like, oh, just stay off Adrian when we do this joke about him being a two-time Holocaust survivor.

28:48Adrian Brody. Like, but he was like there for it. Glenn Powell was awesome. But I said, let's go really soft on. Glenn is a great guy. So great and funny and like, love. And, but I said, let's steer clear of Ariana and Cynthia. But boy, was I wrong because I get out there and we do like a couple of softballs about, you know, I do some jokes about Wicked, you know, I loved it. it. My boyfriend loved it. My boyfriend's boyfriend loved it. You know, just like gentle jokes. And they were like, I rarely like can sense someone's energy in the audience because I kind of blur my eyes because I don't like to see people disappointed.

29:23So I just make everyone kind of like this blurry sheen, you know, but I could see Ariana and Cynthia were like this the whole time, like dying to be made fun of. And like, and then you look a little bit more into both of them. They have great senses of humor about themselves. And I'm like, that was a missed opportunity. Like, I thought that they might be too cool. Right. Same way I thought about JLo. Like, I'm not doing that joke in a special because she's going to come after me. No, she like sends a joke back to me. Right. Like, I have to stop. I think that sometimes I underestimate people who I put on a pedestal of being, like taking themselves too seriously.

29:57Even though you wanted to fuck her boyfriend on Raya or her husband. Wait, which one was that? Ben Affleck. Oh, yeah. Oh, I definitely, when I used to be on Raya and he would come across very concentrated, check mark. Yes. And like never getting it back. There are so many, there are so many celebrities that I saw on Raya. Celebrities on Raya. Oh my God. So many, like there's like, I think Andrew Garfield's face came up for me so many times, multiple times. That would have been a good one. Right? He's gorgeous. I'm sure he just didn't see my profile, even though I clicked on his, like, you know, they'll keep serving up the same people like again and again for some reason.

30:36So every time I'm like, yes, Andrew Garfield, like, duh, you know, this is years and years ago. I don't want to put anything out there, but like, yes, yes, yes. And I know, I know for a fact he had to have seen my profile and gone, nope, no. Why do they keep, because sometimes they send people that you keep saying no to. So like, I would have matched with him if he was interested. Now he regrets it. I'm sure now, but like, why not then? Yeah, exactly. Because I hadn't seen Dr. Diamond yet. Symmetrical. Like, um, no, but that's, uh. What did Dr. Diamond do for you? He, he just, like. We sell his skincare on Goop.com.

31:11Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a medicine. Yeah, so good. Injections. Like, he does, like, a fake, like, literally behind my ear filler on the temples. What does that do? I don't know. It just gives you, like, a structured face. And then he, he just stares at you very long and kind of goes like this. Like, you're, like, literally, like, talk about intimacy. Like, this close to him. just staring at like, now look here. I'm like, do I have to look in your eyes? And then I just stare at like the middle of his forehead. And then he kind of just goes, and just like different filler stuff. I'm trying to get away from filler though, because that's the new trend.

31:46I'll get back into it when it's back in, but I don't mind a little Botox lip lift. I've never done that. So that's like when they put Botox up here and they're not supposed to, it's not like - It's off label. Yeah, it's like not, Botox doesn't advertise that's a thing you should do, but everyone knows about the Botox. I've heard of it. What's it called even? It's not called a lip lift. The lip lift is the surgical procedure I do want because they just remove a little bit of - Lip flip, lip flip. Lip flip, thank you, thank you. And I sometimes get this and then, oh, I went really frozen. I put a lot of units up in my forehead recently because it's like could be an accordion up there.

32:24Thank God I'm getting movement back because I was real. Was this like a pre-Golden Globes thing? No, it was right after because I think I like saw too much movement on Golden Globes and I was like, take it out. Like, you know, you just get... Did you rewatch it? No, you know, you see stills and stuff. But then I saw... I don't know what made me go in and go, let's go hard. Because I guess I've never done it before. I'm like, oh, I'm not going to be on TV a lot coming up. Like, let's see what it's like to put a lot of Botox in my forehead. Because I do very little usually. And it was a mistake because I just...

32:53Oh, it was actually last week. So it's not out, actually. It's still very much in. You can probably see it. but I allow myself to have a sense of humor about it. And I think that's, my friends do not on Girls Chat appreciate when I like start making comparisons and like do side-by-sides. Like, I swear I do look like Mickey Rourke and I'll prove it. Oh, you don't think I look like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Well, what about this? And I'll like fade her face out and onto mine. And I'm like, you can't even deny it. And they're like, Nikki, you're psychotic. Where, what is this app you're using to AI your face?

33:26Like, I'm like, well, I paid$5.99 just to prove to you girls that you can't lie to me and say, don't look like Marjorie Taylor Greene, what I do. And they're like, I like bully. I literally like online bully myself sometimes. But honestly, just to make my girlfriends laugh and to prove my point of like, don't take this from me. I'm allowed to feel a little bit ugly today. I'm on my period. It'll go away tomorrow. You all know. But like today, let me prove that I look like an ancient clay mask. When I turned 40, I had a really unfortunate over - You did? Experience, yeah. Okay, so you have 40. I think it was something around, I was turning 40 and I really like flipped out.

34:00I had like one of those moments. Oh, yeah. I was living in London at the time and I went to a doctor and I literally will show you pictures like I was a monster. And there was a surprise birthday party for me. I'll never forget. You did not look surprised. Or you really did. I remember Kate Hudson, who's an old friend who's so honest. She's like, honey, what did you do? Yes. I was like, yeah, I don't know. It's funny. Well, that's great because it's like a bad haircut. It will go away in a few months. It's not permanent. But when it's when you start getting into the permanent stuff, that's when you're like, I can't I can't take risks on this.

34:51can I ask you one question around your non-monogamy thing yeah is that really because when I when I've listened to you talk about it it sort of sounds like this a theoretical and like a that it's really about going full circle what you were talking about in the beginning like around competition. And are you really non-monogamous? No, no. I mean, I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend were to fool around with other people. Do you really think you wouldn't mind? Has he done it? Yeah. And you didn't mind? Like years ago, there were a couple times. I don't mind as long as the girl knows that it's not like she's going to like...

35:33Because, you know, I think girls sometimes when they can be convinced, like, he's going to leave her for me. It's like, that's not going to happen. so just know what this is. Right. Yeah, I think it's definitely the competition thing of like, ooh, maybe he will leave me for her. Okay, I got to step it up. Like, I kind of like that. But I also like, I think he's hot and I kind of am like, try this out. Like, it's like lending like my friend like a hairdresser. I don't know. Like, I'm just like, have a good time. And like, I am - But is that a sexual fetish? Yeah, I think it's a fetish. It's called, I've looked into it and it's called hot husband.

36:11So there's like a hot wife fetish that's way more prolific of like men who want their wives to be, it's not cuckolding. They're not in the corner like, what are you doing? Or like they're just kind of like, they either hear about it or they kind of like orchestrate it. And I don't want to be a part of it. I think he would like me to be a part of a thing with someone else. But I'm not, I don't really, I'd rather just hear about it later. Is this like another lever for you to not get really intimate with someone? Yeah, that's what Dr. Drew had told me about it. He was like, this is a fear of intimacy and you need to work on this.

36:45But at this point, like, I just feel so solid with my boyfriend. I think before this might have been like, yeah, like, go find someone better than me kind of thing. But now it's like, it just kind of, maybe I don't want him to, let me just play this out really quick. Yeah. Right now he comes home from work and is like, I think this girl's into me and maybe we could do something. Yeah, I'd be into it. I would. I would. I just want to hear all about it though. Like, and I would want to hear about it while we were fooling around. Right. I would want him, I would want us to like pretend it wasn't happening and like not talk about it and like save it.

37:19Right. As like this secret treat that we would talk about during. Because it just, I don't know. for every person I've ever been with, it has always been like a part of foreplay for me to hear about other women. Like almost the courtship process. Like I like the like, will they, won't they? Like, how did you know? Like, I'm really horny for that. I think it's been from watching rom-coms growing up of like a hand touching, like that innocent stage of like, I think she might be into me. And that's a part that I struggle with of being in a relationship with someone forever that I'm never going to have that again.

37:55The romance, the butterflies. The butterflies of like, our legs are touching under the table and oh, he's not moving it. Like, you know that moment where you're like, there's a paper that could go in between your leg and like you both can feel it. And if it wasn't a sexual thing, you just move it instantly. Like it happens with people all the time where you're like, oh, I don't want to touch the person. But you just instead, you both leave it. And you're like, oh my God. Like that might be the best feeling I've ever felt in my life in that genre of feeling, right? Like, and I'll never have that again with my boyfriend.

38:23That's, that's, I have to mourn that because that's true. Like if I'm in a monogamous relationship, I might have that flutter with someone and like indulge in it, but it can't go beyond that. And what's even the point? Why can't it go beyond that for you? Because he's not into that. And like, that would be a breach for him. So it's not like a two-way street, which I think is fair because it's like, he doesn't even want this. Like my weird fetish, like he would be, the strange thing is he's like, I don't need anyone else or crave anyone else. I'll do it if it turns you on, but it's like not something.

38:56Wow, that's super interesting. It is. It's, I always like kind of am reluctant to talk about it because it just seems guys hear about it. They're like, you're a dream girl. And it's like, honestly, if you play it out, like men don't really want women to, men want to be kept. They like when women are kind of like jealous and care about whether, they like sneaking around more than like, not that they like sneaking around, but if they're going to do it, they like to not have you be. But I wonder if the perception that it makes you a dream girl, right? Like, I wonder if in some way that's not going back to that vein of perfectionism again.

39:37Like, I'm so perfect, my boyfriend could even sleep with somebody else and I wouldn't break up with him. No, no, because I think it's like, that's the opposite. Like, the girl who would like, let that happen just to be a cool girl, like, ugh, kill me if I'm trying to be a pick-me girl like that. Like, I wish I didn't feel this way because it seems like I'm being like that kind of girl. Like, I don't do anything that would cause me pain. Like, I just, and I just, listen, I guess I'm just confident in like, I'm a pretty great person to date. Like, I just feel like you might have more fun physically with another type of girl, like a girl with like an actual ash you can grab onto.

40:16Mine's kind of like, Like, you know, leaves a lot to be desired. People whiff it when they go to grab it. Like, but, you know, like, or like, you know, just like different types of girls. Like, I don't want to catch anything. And I don't really, I'm not like, I want a taster on you. It's not like that kind of thing. Like, shower after, but then tell me about it. Like, I don't know. I like, like, it's always been a part of our foreplay for me to ask him about past girls. But so couldn't it just be like, couldn't he make up a story? Yeah. Would it, it wouldn't do the same thing? You're really fascinating.

40:46name. You fascinate me. Well, this only came from like, we were together long enough that he ran out of all of his stories that had already happened. And I was like, I think you need to go make some new ones because like, I've already heard this one a lot, you know, like, and there's some, and you know, there, there literally was a time where we were together. He went to a thing and like met a girl and like made out and did some other stuff and like told me all about it. Like now I'm remembering, and I'm not even joking. Like I was going through something in my life at the time that I was like, I need to talk to you about this.

41:14And he was like, I got a great story. He was so excited. And I was, I barely cared. He was like almost disappointed. Like, I literally just forgot to tell you about it. Like, that's how much it doesn't. I do not, I struggle with jealousy so much with like the way I look, with comedy, always who is doing what, and I'm not good enough. But when it comes to my relationship, I just don't have a jealousy over him getting close to other women or being like, I have a lot of girlfriends that struggle with like jealousy issues of like being friends with ex-girlfriends or something like that. And I just don't, I don't have that.

41:48Maybe it's just with him, but I just don't have that. Right. But I have it everywhere else in my life. Like crazy. So interesting. It's weird. If I can't have someone like when we've been off and on forever. And so it, I think a lot of my sexual desire was wrapped up in like, I have to prove myself to him. And like, that almost turns me on as like, I'm going to win him over. And now he's won over. He like loves me for me. Right. And it's just kind of like, what's, what am I doing this for them? So I have to like investigate why am I turned on by like not being like someone not being sold on me?

42:22Why does that really harm me? Why do you think? Low self-esteem, I think. And just also maybe on the flip side of that high self-esteem of like, I want to prove myself without other people doubt or, but I think it's probably low. Being competitive fires me up. If I can make anything a competition, I'll get it done. Interesting. And I think I also had a lot of fears around sex and intimacy. Late bloomer, didn't start partaking in that kind of lifestyle to like my mid-20s, late 20s. And then a lot of that was alcohol-fueled. And so just a sober kind of sexual experience was the first time I ever had like was with someone totally sober sexually.

43:03It was like 29 or something. Oh, wow. So it was really late. And that's, and I think that was when, I think the only way that I could get to wanting to do it, because before I would just depend on drinking a lot to be like, oh, overcome my fear of being intimate with someone. And then to overcome my fear when I was sober was like, make it about winning or make it about a show like you're auditioning. Like pretend like you're a porn star right now, like out of body kind of thing. Don't be you because who would want to be with you? Right. So I made it like a game. So now I just have to find another way to gamify it, I guess, or learn to love myself.

43:40I don't know. That seems tough. It's a lifelong pursuit. Let's put it that way. Yeah. I'm interested in that because you're very open talking about, you know, the complexities of yourself, right? And the kind of the things that you've had to surmount. and do you think that that fear of intimacy is like, did that come from something with one of your parents? Like that lack of self-esteem? Like what do you think happened? It has to, you know, like I have the best parents. They're like my best friends and I always feel bad when I even throw them under the bus when I talk about this kind of stuff.

44:15But like, you know, anyone who's doing it perfectly is gonna mess up along the way. And I think that, you know, late nineties, that was just like, you came up and you were a part of that whole thing. It was treacherous. And there's lots of reels and TikToks about what it was like to be young back then. But we just didn't, I didn't stand a chance getting out of there, like liking myself. When I see my friends that do, I'm like, how did you avoid all of that? Because I was paying attention. Because you thought it was cultural? Yeah, cultural and definitely in my family too, though. Like I think my parents really liked Hollywood, liked TV, like we, you know, admired stars.

44:56So it was kind of like, I want to be up there. I want to be one of the special ones. And yeah, it just, it seemed like thinness and beauty were two things that had to happen. And beauty I was kind of waiting for because I was like, oh, grow into, that's just going to show up. It didn't in the way that I wanted to. And then thinness, I kind of was like, oh, well, that's something that I can control. and I struggled to figure it out, but then I did figure it out and then I lost the thread immediately and was totally out of control. In terms of restricting? Yeah. Oh, just like I, yeah, I was anorexic and hospitalized my senior year of high school.

45:33I like finally figured out a way to do it and I was really, it was the first time I was like good at anything. And I look back on it now and I'm like, oh, because I was always wanting to be an actress or be discovered at the mall as a model. wasn't happening for me. I didn't even go to a performing arts school, but I was like not getting into plays at like a normal high school. I was getting like Jewish townsperson B and a diary of Anne Frank my senior year, like really embarrassing and like trying hard and like, I'll dye my hair for it. And they're like, no need. So I was like, just getting all these signals back of like, you're not going to do the secret dream you have that you kind of keep to yourself of like wanting to be on TV someday or be a performer.

46:12And yeah. And then I kind of gained some weight, you know, just as you do in high school, just eating, you know, eight bowls of cereal in a row while watching Oprah after school. Like you just don't even, you don't have any information. You're just like, cereal's a special K diet. Right. You know, like I literally got discovered at Forever 21 of like, you should model. And someone gave me their card. Like it, like that, like that manifestation of that dream I had. It turned out it was like a really seedy thing that my mom took me to down in downtown St. Louis. And we were like looking around like, these people are models.

46:45And it was just like a scam, but at least someone gave me that card. I was like, I was discovered. And so. And I think more importantly, you were sent this really strong signal of approval, like external approval because you were thin. And I mean, our culture is so fucked up in that way. and it's nearly impossible. I feel like with the brainwashing that's taken place, like I feel brainwashed to feel like I'm not good enough if I'm not thin. And yet I've been the size that I'm always yearning to be many times in my life. And I can look back and go, well, you weren't happy then. There was something else that popped up for you or, you know, then your face was too gone and then you were looking at your wrinkles and you wanted to fix that.

47:29So it's all an illusion and I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated by aging. And then this business just obviously magnifies all of that. But I'm interested because you are, and this is one of the things that struck me about you when I was watching you, like what an iconoclast you are in the sense also that you are just empirically a really beautiful woman. Thanks. Like people keep saying, you know, I have a joke about it. Like, well, Nikki, you're like Joan Rivers. Like you don't need to be attractive, which I think is insulting to Joan, even though, and then you go back and look at Joan, Joan's whole pursuit was to be pretty.

48:08She felt like an ugly girl. Like that was a big, she wanted to be taken seriously as like a serious dramatic actress. She failed herself in not becoming a serious dramatic actress. And she fell into comedy to kind of like get at the punchline before anyone else could about her. And I always joke and say, you know, I am like Joan. I'll probably die undergoing a medical procedure as well. God forbid. No, God forbid. But like, but people forget she was in pursuit of that as well. It's not like she was just like, no, I'm the goofy comedian. Like she, she wanted to be seen as, as a stunning woman. Yeah.

48:40Who doesn't? I mean, there's probably people who don't, but I'm not one of them.

48:52how do you reconcile that this sort of kind of unashamed desire to be a beautiful woman and also to be totally self-accepting like i was watching one of your things you were like yeah my boobs are falling and this is falling and that you're working on trying to accept that yeah but at the same time fighting it. Right. It's the paradox because that's like, you have to give up at some point because I don't really want to be sexy when I'm in my nineties. I think that's like, you can be like cool and like stunning and interesting and beautiful in a different definition of the word beautiful, but like sexually desirable.

49:30Like that's just, you don't want, you don't want to have sex in your nineties. I mean, maybe some, I don't want to say that all women in their 90s don't want to have sex, but I would hope that I don't want to. You do. I hope I do want to. Maybe I do. Maybe it's just right now. I'm like, I don't want to do it now. So why would I want to do it in 50 years? Maybe you're tired. I think I'm tired. But I think that's the paradox that I'm struggling with is like, I want to love myself for as I am, but I also have to keep doing the things that will make me like myself more. I mean, like, that's the thing is like, and that's what I get mad about when people are like, love yourself.

50:05And yet then you see them doing the things like women can't really. You can love yourself at every part of the process. I think that's what I'm trying to learn. Like I can still want to get a brow lift and be able to accept myself without one. And you don't need a brow lift. OK, not yet. But like someday. We'll discuss. Someday in August, this upcoming August, August 22nd, already booked. Oh, yes. No, yes. No, don't worry. I'll deny it. Oh my God. I'll just say I've been laughing a lot. Just things are really good in my life. I'll, you know, it's, that's, that's the thing that I'm exploring in standup that I love is like, and I'm sure you felt this or just witnessed it at least of, you know, if you have plastic surgery or any kind of procedure that is noticeable, it's like, how dare she?

50:54That's a bad example for our daughters. Like you changed your face or God forbid it goes wrong. And then people go, she ruined her face. I mean, we know, I say that line, you know exactly the actresses I'm thinking of. And it's so cruel because it's like, they obviously, they didn't want you to say that about them. They're just, they were just trying to stay the way you liked them when they were famous because they felt like they put out to pasture. So they're trying to fix it. And now you're mad at them for just maybe getting the wrong doctor or having, you know, things happen. And it's like, I feel like you get punished unless you do it so subtly that no one notices and people just go, she's drinking more water, meditating.

51:34And so you have to kind of navigate it in this way. And that's why I'm kind of excited to start getting work done so I can be more vocal about it. Just so I can be like, yeah, I look different because I'm rich now. And I go to this so-and-so doctor, like if you just look into it, I don't, not everyone can afford it. And that's why you can tell yourself you don't look like people on TV. You can't. It's not because you did something wrong. because I think I grew up thinking, man, you, like, how come you failed? And that's why I like your whole thing because you make it accessible. There's an accessibility to it for every woman.

52:12And I feel like that's important. And that's why I'm excited. It's rare to find something in stand-up comedy that hasn't been already, like, the lid's been blown off of or, like, we're getting honest about this thing. Like, women have had this kind of, like, moment of like getting really honest, especially with, you know, social media. And now I'm like looking for the next thing. Like, what's the next thing I can talk about, honestly, that hasn't been talked about? What am I looking for more of? And that kind of inspires me. So just going back really quickly. So I think one of the things that's sort of destabilizing about watching you in the best way is this convergence of physical beauty and your like searing humor.

52:55Like when I watched the Tom Brady roast, part of it, like you're so thrown off by how funny and how pretty you are, right? Like it's— That's a fun juxtaposition to me, though. Like that's comedy to me is like the unexpected. So I don't even factor that in, but I don't think it hurts me. No, I think it's very unique. And, you know, I always think back to my influence of like— Someone was just asking me the other day about, you know, influences early on. And I always say Sarah Silverman because it is truly the person that I first saw and was like, Like, oh, I want to, that's what I'll do. That's like an in.

53:28But really, I think about it, I'm like, oh, she was the first girl that was like being like kind of indecent, saying raunchy things, saying honest things, weird stuff. But you were also like, she's really cute. And like, I kind of saw even my dad being like, she's a looker. Like, you know, you get kind of, and I'm like, oh, I want both. Like, I want to be smart and I want to be able to like hang with the guys and talk like the guys or, you know, girls from my experience, but like, you know, culturally like guys. And then I want to also be desirable in that way. So— And it's very new. I mean, it's— It is new.

54:01Yeah. And some people say you can't do it. And I agree. Like, some people— I do get suspicious when there are people that have always been hot, like, from a young age. And then they're, like, comedians. Because I think you have to really, like, have a lot of self-doubt and insecurity to be, like, a good comic, or at least one I want to listen to. Right. So, you know, I remember early on some girl kind of in the back of a comedy club. And she was like, she was this girl that like bullied me when I first came on the scene because I was like young and kind of cute. And the guys were interested. And, you know, everyone was like, oh, she's the next thing.

54:38And this girl was like very threatened. And I understand it. Like it's there's so few women and a new one comes in. You're like, what's this? So she was in the back of the room. And someone told me later on that she was like muttering, like, the high school cheerleader shouldn't be doing stand-up comedy. And I agree with her. Like, you don't want to hear from the high school cheerleader, like, about like, hmm, I feel gross or like just kind of complaining about life. That person doesn't have, I don't know how to say it, but you don't really want to hear comedy from them. And oftentimes they can't offer it, which is fine.

55:10But I wasn't that. Like, I never, I might look like I was that now and I'm flattered that anyone would think that, but that's just, I always felt less than growing up. And I still have that in me. Like, it's like, you know, you never lose what you started out as.

55:33I goop, we're into wellness shit, right? And we sort of have this idea of like beauty as wellness. Like it's, it's a multi-pronged approach. It's like internal, external beauty and that how you care for yourself is like actually as important as what you're doing to your face or the creams you're putting on or whatever. So as somebody who is so beautiful inside and out, can you talk us through a little bit? Like what is your, you mentioned Pilates. Like what do you, do you have any self-care or wellness rituals? Yeah. Yeah. I do agree. Like. So do I. Yes. So hard. It's so hard. I like it for the first time in my life.

56:16I can really say I do it to be strong and to look good and all the things that happens. But I love doing something every day that like at some point in the class, I'm like, I hate this. Yeah, me too. And you just doing one thing a day, even for 20 seconds that you're like in agony, holding a plank for a minute, because once you get done with it, you're like, everything else seems like easy to do for the rest of the day. So I like to do that as, you know, every day that I can, I try to go. So it ends up being like three times a week or whatever. If on a good week this week, it was one. And then I, I find, I mean, it's, it's a trend on Instagram, but when you can't fit in like a hard workout, being gentle with workouts, like that is new to me.

56:58It was always about like, you have to run seven miles per hour and three incline and for 30 minutes. And if you don't, then something bad will happen to your family, like OCD stuff, right? So now I just do 30 minutes on a treadmill with a like a 12 incline, three miles per hour. Like it works. And then you get an email done. It's not in a way that you're like, and even take it down to a 2.5 if you are gasping and like, and mess with the incline, but a strong incline without a lot of like, not running as much anymore. I was running. Right. And then meditating when I can. Great. And that even means for like literally 30 seconds if you can fit it in of just like, paying attention to your breath for just a short amount of time to ground, journaling, writing from the perspective of, like, God to you.

57:45Like, if you're just wondering what to write, or just free writing where it's, like, illegible. Like, I don't even know what I'm doing for three pages. Like, fill up three pages of, like, whatever hotel notepad or whatever piece of paper you can find around. And not having it have to look pretty. Like, not having, like, a perfect journal. Like, it can just be a mess. And then throw it away afterwards. And then my thing that is like the best thing in my life is my girls chat. It's like my WhatsApp that I have 24-7, like nine girls that are like my best friends since high school, my best friends from college, and my best friends that I've met through comedy all together.

58:21Like I've been the nucleus to kind of plan girls trips and have them all meet each other. So now we're all best friends. And it's like any time of day just getting on there and leaving a voice memo and like just letting it all out. But like, I really learned that kind of just being able to share and not necessarily needing feedback, just having people listen. Because a lot of times my friends are like, sorry, I have something to share, but I can't give feedback. I'm like, it's not about that. Just get on and share. Like, I'm not looking for you to be like, Nikki, that sounds interesting. Like, I'm just trying to barf it out.

58:48And I really learned that from like 12-step programs like that I've been in here and there. So if someone's out there like, well, I don't have a group of nine girlfriends that I have. Like, you qualify for some 12-step program, look into them. They're all over the place. And they are just places you go and you share honestly. And no one's going to comment on it. No one knows your name. You can be on Zoom in a black box. Like, I think people need to, I'm not saying it's going to cure whatever, but it's like, we need to talk more to each other. And I found that during COVID, I reached out to 12 Step Stuff to handle a part of my life that was getting unmanageable.

59:23And there literally is one for everyone. If you think like, well, I'm not addicted to anything. Just look into it. You're going to qualify for one. because it's, well, you can't, you're too famous. No, I'm just kidding. But yo, you can do a fake name and wear a mustache. But it's just like, it's so, those rooms for the people that have been, you know, lucky enough to get entrance into them, which anyone can really go, you just hear like such honesty that you don't hear anywhere else. And it's taught me how to be even more honest in my standup and it's just safe. It's a safe space. So I think that's what's most important is just being able to talk to someone.

1:00:00And therapy. Going to therapy. And couples therapy. Obsessed. So important. Like, my boyfriend was so reluctant to do it. And we've been together off and on for 13 years. Just started doing it in the past couple years. And he's obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it. That's so cool. It's just, I can't recommend it enough. And it's like, you just find anyone. And if you don't like the therapist, keep trying. It's like dating. Don't give up. So yeah, those are mine. Amazing. Yeah. That's like a pretty good roster there. It's pretty good. Yeah. I would like to meditate more though. That's always the one.

1:00:34Okay. There's a little wellness lightning round. Great. Would you try this or not? Okay. A bee venom facial. No, because I'm vegan. Agree. I'm not vegan, but. Like I don't want bees to have to like have any part in my beauty. Like they're suffering enough. True. And they, yeah. Yeah. I think I know the answer to this one. Okay. Leach detox therapy. Well, maybe they like it though, because they're getting blood. They don't die. I'd have to like look at how they're cared for. And if they actually like, like sometimes the pedicures where the fish eat your skin, they're like, they like it. It's like, they don't.

1:01:10Well, you go, they're eating. It's like, no, they're starved so that they really want, they'll just eat your dead skin, which isn't a part of their diet. So don't go to those places ever, ever. Because I was always like, well, it's not harming them. They seem to like be like, I don't know, I don't know, like eating my calces. I think that's weird anyway. I don't really want to do that. So gross anyway, but they starve them so that they do that. So leeches, I'd have to look into the ethics behind it, but yeah, I'd be down if it, if they liked it. I'd do it for them. Fire cupping massage. Yeah. Who wouldn't do that?

1:01:39I agree. I don't know what that is, but sure. It's like cupping, but they, they heat up the cups with fire and they put them on your back. Yeah. Yeah. It feels good. I've done it. Give me those burns. Yeah, I'll take that. Moon bathing. What is that? Just boot bathing? So you lie out, I guess, ideally on the grass and you absorb lunar energy and recharge. Yeah. I mean, am I buying in? Probably not. Is it seem like something that I could probably use to be forced to do that short? Yeah. To like slow down. So yeah, but no. Yeah, but no. I'd be rolling my eyes the whole time and laughing about it.

1:02:12Okay. Yeah. Vampire breast lift. Unlike the vampire facial, you put it in your breasts and that gives them a natural lift. I've done the vampire facial, the PRP on my scalp as well, where they like run your blood in the machine and put it back in. I try that in a dinner. I don't want to have to have someone like slather my boobs and it will feel sexual even though it's not. I just, I don't, I don't think I, I don't really care about my boobs skin right now. Okay, I agree. Would you try the Tom Brady diet of no coffee, no dairy, no nightshades, no grains, no sugar? Yeah, I could probably do it for like 15 minutes.

1:02:51It's, no, I can't do no coffee. I wish I could. I would like to maybe go to somewhere that forced me to do it, but no, no thank you to that. Thank you so much for coming on the Goop podcast. You're better than I could have even anticipated. I'm a huge fan. Thank you so much for being you and everything you've given us over the many years that you don't look like you've aged. You're so sweet. Thank you.

1:03:18Thank you so much for tuning into the Goop podcast. I hope you enjoyed this conversation. See you next time.