Why We're Not Having Sex—And What We Can Do About It 

25:32And sometimes it's going to be amazing. And sometimes we're going to try something and it's going to be just OK. Or maybe it's a flop. Like what what what would a flop be? We were just talking about this the other day. Somebody asked us, like, how do you bounce back from a disappointing sexual experience? And they were saying, like, they just find it really difficult when sex doesn't go perfectly. And we said, like, we got to normalize. Sometimes you just have a flop. Like, it's fine. I'm glad we did it. I'm glad we connected. but it just like it wasn't the best sex ever. And sometimes you kind of have a little bit of a reason or understanding of why it went that way.

26:09Sometimes it sort of surprises you like, oh, the vibes were all here. I thought things were going well, but then it kind of, you know, whatever. But, yeah, sometimes it just happens. And I think that's a really important thing for us to normalize. Not every time is going to be fireworks and earth shattering. It's, you know, it's just more about creating that time and that space to show up with each other and create an experience together. But if something's flopping in the moment and you're like, it would not be a good time to sort of commit yourself to the exercise of talking honestly about sex if you can and be like, OK, this feels like it's flopping.

26:46Like, why is it flopping? You know, is there should we course correct? Like, I don't know. For me, it would be kind of an interesting moment to get more honest. Yeah. I mean, so if it's something like, let's say we're doing a position, we've tried a different position and it's just not working out in the moment. Like, yeah, we'll absolutely say to each other, you know what, let's switch things up. Why don't you get on top or let me get on top or something like that? But I also think that there's, we often hear about this, it's almost this like moment to moment hyper attentiveness that some people have on sex of like, oh, the passion's fading in this one moment.

27:21Like something's wrong, something's wrong. And so I just want to normalize, like, even if you're having a great experience, like, it's natural for pleasure to ebb and flow. It's natural for your connection to your partner to ebb and flow. But, yeah, definitely if there's something going on in the moment where you need a little adjustment or make a little change, like, for sure, you should communicate about that. Yeah, and I think it's especially helpful. Another reason to be talking about sex on an ongoing basis is to have a good sense of, okay, like, what are our greatest hits? Like, what are what are the positions or the activities that we know in a pinch can make it happen?

27:55And, yeah, if you're trying something new and it's maybe not not awesome for you or, you know, you're kind of like feeling that that zing fade away. And it's like maybe then that's a time to suggest, OK, like, let's let's go back to the greatest hits, like suggest a position or an activity that, you know, is going to be great. And, you know, I think this happens with us a lot where it's like, yeah, OK, like, let's just let's just get it done. Let's get it done. And then, you know, maybe we kind of can laugh like, okay, it wasn't our finest work, but, you know, high five, we got it done. We emptied the dishwasher and we managed to do it.

28:39But what about, like, do you guys have tips for sort of how to approach those conversations? Okay. So one of the big mistakes that most people make is they wait because they don't want to talk about sex. They wait until something is wrong. There's a complaint. There's something they don't enjoy. There's a problem. And so we go in with the problem. And of course, that's going to feel super overwhelming for you to have to bring up to your partner, hey, that like, you know, secret move you think you do. I actually hate that. And it's also going to be really hard for your partner to hear that if that's the first thing that you're talking about.

29:14It's coming from a negative. Yeah. Yeah, and especially, I mean, in the example you just gave of like you're in the middle of trying something new and it's maybe not feeling awesome for you. If you've never talked about it before or maybe you've had one or two fights about sex and those were the only times you talked about it, you're going to be really like not inclined to say anything in the moment, right? Because you're like, oh, this isn't feeling very good for me. But every time I've talked about sex before, we got in a fight. So I'm just going to wait. So instead, what we recommend is that couples build a foundation of talking about sex in a positive way or even just even in a neutral way, too.

29:52So you want to get comfortable with sex as a topic of conversation before you get into talking about your unique sex life and certainly before you start talking about any sort of problems or challenges. So there are a couple of ways to go about this. Like one is just to start talking about sex more generally. So we design a lot of our Instagram content. were at Vanessa and Xander to open up conversations between couples, like watch a funny reel, watch us doing like role playing some ridiculous sex positions that we found on the internet and just like laugh with your partner about it. Like, oh, that was so funny.

30:24I can't believe they talked about it. Oh, they were giving advice about this couple's question. What did you think about that? So talking about sex in that more general way. And then once you start talking about your own personal sex life, start talking about the positive stuff first. So like something really simple that anybody could do after they finish listening to this episode is think about one of your favorite sexual experiences with your partner and bring it up with them randomly today. Just like, hey, you know what popped into my mind randomly today? That vacation that we went on in Mexico, that hotel where we stayed in bed all day.

30:59Like, yeah, just popped into my head. It was just a fun little memory to have. So you're having these like non-goal oriented conversations. You're not trying to do anything. You're just getting comfortable with the topic. And you're also reminding your partner and reminding yourself like, hey, we have it in us. We've had some good times together. And I mean, the interesting thing is what most couples find is that once they start talking about sex in a more general way, once it becomes a topic that's just on the table, that's sort of a neutral to fun topic, they actually start having it more. So many people ask us every single week on Instagram, we probably get like 10 questions of people being like, like, are you guys like sick of talking about sex?

31:40Like when you're talking about sex all day, does it make you not want to have it? And I'm like, no, like the more, the more you talk about something, like the more exciting it is. So yeah, I think that that's like, we've heard from so many people that were like, oh, we thought we were going to have to, we were thought we were going to have to do like six months of sex therapy and all this stuff. And like, it turns out we just started, you know, like watching some of your content and talking about it. And all of a sudden the pieces started to fall into place. And so it's just, it's can be so powerful.

32:10That can be a great first step. And just keep sex top of mind when you talk about it too. I mean, like I was saying earlier, we're all so busy these days. We all have a million things going through our heads. And one of the main complaints we hear from people is like, there's just no mental space for sex. So when you're talking about it regularly, when it's just a natural topic of conversation, It keeps it front of mind. Yeah, I think that's that makes a lot of sense. And also, I don't know, I think and maybe. I mean, I think we kind of show one face to the world, right? Like we certainly aren't that connected to the ease around sex and sexuality and the language when we're at work or at a dinner party or in front of our teenagers, obviously, you know, disgusting.

32:57And so there's kind of like, I think it's more than just a presentation. I think it's like, this is who I am in the world. And then for me anyway, especially I think in a lot of my women friends who are super busy and have big careers and lives, it's like a different persona almost when not that it's dishonest in any way or not integrated, but it's a big shift sometimes to go from this impervious, like out in the world, taking care of the world. of everything. And then, you know, for me anyway, and I know it's different for everybody, like I need to be in a very soft place, you know, and in order to be like, to feel connected to my sexuality.

33:41So it's a big, sometimes it's a big arc that I have to, you know, traverse. Yeah. We talk a lot about transition rituals for couples, because what you're saying is absolutely true for the vast majority of people. Like we feel this disconnect between who we are in our everyday lives. And then all of a sudden it's like, you know, 11 PM and you're in bed with your partner and thinking like, Oh my God, we're supposed to be having sex right now. 11 PM. I'm 9 PM. I don't know where 11 PM came from. I was trying to be a little later. You don't want to out us. I know. We're really early. If I'm not in bed at 9 PM, I'm like, Oh God.

34:18But yeah, It just feels like this big jump for so many of us. And so that's where transition rituals come into play of thinking about how can we create that softening with our partner? How can we create that like coming back home into my own skin, becoming myself again? And so I think communication actually can play a part of that. Like if you're talking to your partner about sex, about intimacy, about your relationship, then that can create a little bit of a thread too. I think one of the biggest mistakes that couples make is they initiate sex immediately before they want to have it. That's so hard.

34:57Like to go from I wasn't even thinking about it to wait, now you're talking about sex and you want to have it right now. Like that's such a huge jump to make. And so one of the things that Xander and I do that helps so much is we talk about sex throughout the day. Like we might text back and forth with each other. We might say something in the morning like, hey, do you want to try to find a little time today? What are our schedules looking like? Where might we be able to get it in? Literally. We make a lot of dumb jokes and horrible puns with each other. That helps us. But it's creating that that thread so that that creates a little bit more of a transition ritual, too.

35:31Yeah, with the transition rituals, I think it's important to recognize that most of our default transition rituals are the ones that we are inclined to do don't actually help us connect with our sexuality. It's like, you know, sitting down on the couch after a stressful day and like watching a mindless reality show or, you know, scrolling on social media like those aren't things that are actually going to get us in tune with our body. And so, you know, we, we try to suggest, you know, maybe it's going on a walk with your partner, like doing something actually physical with your body or, you know, one of some of the even easier things that we love to suggest is a 30 second hug or a six second kiss.

36:14Cause those are the amounts of time required to start getting, to get oxytocin, to start releasing, which is going to calm you down, make you feel closer to your partner. and so yeah I think that yeah you have to you have to have a ritual that has some some physicality associated with it rather than sort of like a disconnection like okay I'm going to disconnect from my body yeah because most of us are disconnected all day long we're up in our heads like completely out of our bodies so we have to find these ways to come back into our bodies it's it's yeah it's it can be difficult you know just even even not even speaking about sex but even like, you know, sometimes I've been going a million miles a minute and like, oh, I have a massage at four and then I'm lying there.

36:59And like, it takes, you know, like, oh my God, I have so much to do, you know? So it's like, it's hard to downshift into that. Yeah. Are you supposed to be kind of in parasympathetic when you have sex? Like, does your nervous system go shift? Yeah. Like being in parasympathetic definitely helps us be able to tap into desire to enjoy the experience It's really hard if you're super stressed and tightly wound to then have the experience of letting go and releasing during sex. So it's those, like Xander was saying, it's simple things. They're not easy to do. Sometimes it's shocking how hard it feels to do something that small, but they are straightforward things.

37:38It's having some sort of physical contact with each other. It's moving your body in some sort of way. Another really powerful one is eye contact. Like it's really wild how little eye contact most couples in long-term relationships make. Is that right? Yeah. I mean, even we've fallen into this ourselves all the time too. Like Xander will come into the room and I won't even look up from what I'm doing to acknowledge his presence. But if you think about that, like what a powerful thing to take that split second to look up and like to say to your partner, I see you. You're here. You matter to me. Yeah.

38:12She just started doing that one day. And I remember it felt so good. I was like, it's one of those things where you don't realize that it's happening or not happening until you see your partner do that. And I was like, wow, it feels like a cheat code, but it feels so good. Just like she looks up and says, hi. You're like looking behind you like what's going on? Yeah, it's simple. They're not always easy, but they're simple things to do. Right. And you talked about scheduling. like so for some people is that is it like a bummer if you're like scheduling sex it's sort of a mood killer or is that actually like a great thing to think about building it in to the calendar and then okay so i hate the phrase scheduling sex but i instead really like to use the phrase intentional intimacy okay so many people hear scheduled sex and we think of it in this very boring clinical way.

39:07Like we have to sit down with our calendars and map out like, okay, how are Wednesdays looking for you? Seven o 'clock, eight o 'clock. Like it feels like this gross negotiation that we're doing. Yeah. People think, oh, I must really have a problem if we have to schedule sex. But we actually think the problem is that you stopped scheduling sex. Yeah. So if you really think about it, like most people will tell us, you know, I miss those early stages of dating. Like everything just felt so easy, so effortless. But when you're dating your partner, like what are you doing when you want to see them?

39:40You're scheduling dates. And once you start having sex with each other, you're essentially scheduling sex. You know you're going to do it. There's this acknowledgement like my life is busy. Your life is busy. Let's find some time that we can be together. And we see it as such a great thing. Like I remember when I was dating Xander, you know, his life was busy and full. And the idea that he would carve out a Saturday night to spend with me was like, oh, yeah, date night. I'm so excited. So we had this positive view of being intentional about our time together. And then somewhere along the line, it turns into this negative thing that, oh, we have to, like, be intentional about creating time together.

40:20So, yeah, again, like, don't do it in this super clinical way where it's, you know, okay, here I'm signing my contract that I'll do it every Wednesday at 730 with you from now until eternity. but instead it's this different, a different approach of how can we be intentional? How can we acknowledge life is really full? If we don't make a plan for something, it's not going to happen. So how do we make sure that we are prioritizing each other, that we're creating that space for each other in our lives and that we're looking at that as a positive thing? Like, I love you. I care about you. I want you to have space in my life and I want to have space in yours.

40:55And that's another reason why we like to use scheduled intimacy instead of sex, because I think that's the other big hang up people have. We have once you're in a long term relationship and life is really busy. You know, this is getting back to what you were saying also about like, you know, you're going a million miles a minute. It's really hard to like, boom, transition into feeling sexual. And so it's so important. And that's another reason why we love to use the word schedule intimacy rather than sex, because it can feel so hard to just like click into that sexual kind of nature, like feeling your sexuality.

41:34Like you were just saying, you're going a million miles a minute. And it's it's really hard to make that switch. And also, yeah, a lot of times people have a very narrow definition of what sex is, too. Like in most male, female couples, people think of it as just intercourse. And so it can feel to a lot of people like, oh, we're scheduling it. Now I'm making this promise that we're going to have intercourse. And it just creates all this weird pressure. Whereas if you think more about intimacy in a broader sense of like this is just about time, quality time for us to connect, for us to be with each other rather than so hyper fixated on one specific thing.

42:10I meant the dude is so hyper specific on the act. He's like, fine, we can call it scheduled intimacy. But like, we know where this is going. Yeah, well, I mean, but I think that's it's important to recognize that, you know, many people are not. I mean, this gets into sex drive types, which is another huge thing that we love to talk about. But stereotypically, most men are spontaneous sex drive types, which means they think about sex randomly and they have the idea. and they go, okay, I want to go do that. The problem is that most women have a responsive sex drive, which means that they're not randomly thinking about it, that their body needs stimulation in order for that mental desire to pop up.

42:55And so when you say, okay, we're going to have sex at 8 p.m., it can feel like this huge jump to someone that's responsive. Like, how am I going to go from like, I was at work, mine's going a million miles a minute, I'm putting the kids to bed, how do I just switch gears into into sexy mode? Whereas what you really need is, okay, we are going to schedule the intimacy, we are going to, you know, make an agreement that, you know, at this time, or on this day, we're going to be we're going to start with some cuddles, we're going to maybe make out for a little while, we're going to do whatever it is that feels good, and makes you feel closer and more intimate, and then see how you're feeling, because it takes a little while for things to start heating up usually.

43:36So the difference between the spontaneous and the responsive types, it's just, it's like visual versus sensual. It's where we feel desire first. So we can get the idea of sex sounds good. That's mental desire. And oftentimes it can just, you know, pop into your head randomly. And then the physical arousal, that's the other part of it. So if you're spontaneous sex drive, you have that mental desire first, and then the physical arousal follows. And if you're responsive, you're the exact opposite. You have to feel some sort of physical arousal first before you feel mental desire. So like Sandra was saying, the vast majority of women have responsive desire and a classic way of knowing that you might have it is if you've ever been in the middle of sex or even at the end of sex and you catch yourself thinking, this is fun.

44:21Why don't I ever seem to want this? Like that's classic responsive desire. Because by that point, biologically, everything's happening. Your mind is caught up to your body. Your body's having an experience. It's feeling good. And then your brain starts thinking like, oh, yeah, this is good. I want more of this. I want to continue. But yeah, the way that most people initiate is for a spontaneous sex drive. Like, hey, do you want to have sex? Does the idea of sex sound good to you right now? But for a responsive person, if you ask them that question 99 times out of 100, the answer is going to be no.

44:53Well, yeah, right now. I'm not having to answer a physical stimulation. Right, right. Yeah.

45:04So what's the best way to work with those different types internally and then together? So just knowing that it exists can be really game changing for a lot of people. A lot of women in particular tell us like, I thought I was broken. I thought something was so horribly wrong with me. and just understanding now, like, this is a sex drive type. It's normal. It's natural. Like, I just need to, like, kind of wrap my brain around this. I just have to allow my body to get physically stimulated first. That can just be really helpful in and of itself. We also really like changing the question. So most people will ask their partner, do you want to have sex?

45:42And for me, that feels like a very high bar. When Xander asks me that, I will often feel like I'm getting a pop quiz in that moment. Like, oh my God, you want to have sex right now? Like I wasn't even thinking about sex. Now I feel like I'm kind of behind. I've already lost. So there's an easy knee jerk reaction to just say no to it. But we've changed the question to, are you open to having sex or are you open to being intimate? Or are you open to getting turned on? Oh yeah. That's another great way of phrasing it. Cause that reminds me like, I don't need to be turned on right now. I just have to be open to the possibility that I will get there once we get started.

46:20Yeah, I think that those words, are you open to getting turned on, is really speaking to a responsive type because it's acknowledging, yeah, you're probably not turned on right now. And there's a choice here. I'm asking, do you want to take the time with me to see if we can get there. And so, you know, you're talking about desire, which I think can be sort of elusive in that, right? It's like, sometimes when you're when you're really young, and, you know, I mean, it's there's there is something like very evolutionary about desire, right? It's like, at the tip of your fingertips, it's very easy to get turned on.

47:01And I think as one gets older, as life gets more complicated, as potentially there are children involved and hormonal shifts and all that. It seems like desire is something that gets harder to slip into. Are there ways to kind of cultivate that in daily life, like in the midst of all the busyness and all the stuff? I think desire is actually highly overrated. I think we put so much pressure on desire. And I think we put pressure on desire when it comes to sex in a way that is different from everything else in our lives. Like we don't put this pressure on ourselves to feel so much desire to hang out with our friends or show up for our kids.

47:47Right? Right. Right. I'm only going to your soccer game if I'm like ready to go. Like we have this understanding of these people in my life are important to me and showing up for them in a certain way is important to me. And I'm going to like make that effort to do it because of that. But we don't expect that we need to feel that desire in the same sort of way. And that's not to say a desire is not fun to feel, especially sexual desire. Like, of course that's fun to feel. But like you said, there is an evolutionary aspect to it. There are actual physiological changes that happen in our body. Like we're actually not physiologically capable of sustaining desire in a long-term relationship.

48:28Like it, that those sparky feelings that we have at the beginning really can only last like six months up to a year. I think that what needs to matter so much more than desire is pleasure. Like the actual experience has to matter more than our craving for it. And one of my favorite comparisons is it's always food. All my comparisons go back to food. But like think about the last amazing meal that you had and like what made it amazing. You're not going to answer, well, I was starving beforehand. And I just happened upon this really amazing restaurant. You're going to talk to me about the actual food itself, the tastes, the aromas, the presentations, the colors that you were seeing.

49:14Maybe you're talking about the atmosphere in the restaurant, the service that you got, the company that you were with, the conversations that you were having. But don't you think it's also like, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but like, say you had an incredible meal at this restaurant before and you were like, the peaches were so ripe and it was, they were so beautiful in the way they did this. And you're holding in your mind and in your body, this idea of the pleasure that you had the last time. And the desire is born out of that, the, the, I like that feeling that you want to have that again.

49:49And like that to me is desire. So like for me anyway, a great meal is part of like the, Oh my God, there's like, I just got the best sourdough. I'm going to put it in the oven and you know, you're, you're leading with the experience first. And there's a trust that you have of like, I remember how good that was. Right. And most people in long-term relationships, you know, when people will tell us, I have no desire. The first question we ask is, tell us about the sex that you're having. And the answer to that question is usually, it's pretty boring. It's predictable. It feels like there's not really anything in it for me.

50:26It's not getting initiated in exciting ways. Yeah. And so there's there's no way you have desire. Right. Right. Right. It's like, oh, I went to the restaurant and the bread was stale. And, you know, the water was like weird tap water. Why would you want it again? Right. Exactly. So like we have to start with the experience. The pleasure has to matter more than anything else. And once we have that locked in, once we have that that trust in, hey, I know I'm going to have a good experience. experience then desire kind of naturally falls into place after that but most of us are so fixated on the desire and a lot of us women are so fixated on feeling like something's wrong with us or broken with us that we're not thinking about the pleasure aspect of it and I really want people to focus on that right so how do you counsel people out of those difficult moments right they're like I have no desire what kind of sex you're having it's not that great like if that's sort of the resounding theme and a lot of long-term relationships.

51:23What is your approach? Yeah. So we have to focus on what makes sex worth having for you. That was that question that Xander asked a few minutes ago. Like that feels like one of the most important questions for people to start asking themselves. So they should be in the room together, like, and ask each other that question. Like, yeah, I would take a little bit of time to think about your own answer first. Cause it's a big question. You could spend a lot of time thinking about it. So I wouldn't put your partner on the spot and say like, hey, I just heard this question on the podcast. Give me your answer right now.

51:53But it's a great thing to first start thinking about yourself and then loop back around to your partner and have a conversation with. But ultimately, a lot of what we end up talking about with people is sexual technique. It's like, how do we actually have sex that feels good? And it's another area where we just don't, like, where do we ever learn that, right? Like Xander was talking earlier about this pressure of, you know, as a man, I'm supposed to know what I'm doing. I'm supposed to deliver this great experience to my partner. I mean, and the problem is that most men are drawing from their past experiences and trying to figure out, Oh, what's, what's the secret, you know, what's the secret technique that, that makes a woman come or that makes my partner come.

52:35Right. And the problem is, I mean, it's kind of twofold. One is that often, you know, our experiences, especially our early sexual experiences, we may not have the best data. Like there may have been some embellishment or faking going on because that is, you know, very common and understandable given the kind of the stakes that, that we have around sex and this idea that, you know, you want your partner to feel good about what they're doing. And so maybe you, you embellish or exaggerate a little bit, right? So one, you're going to have bad data. And number two, every woman's body is different.

53:15What they respond to is different. What brings them pleasure. Every person's body is different. And so I think a lot of men approach sex being like, oh, yeah, I know what to do. I do these three things. And it's worked for everyone in the past. And I say, who cares what worked in the past? We're talking about you have a new partner right here. Like you guys have to figure out together what is going to work for both of you. It's not about what happened in the past. And so that can be a really great invitation to be like, hey, we're just starting over. We're starting from scratch. So to make this practical, like one of my favorite techniques to use in the bedroom is to try two different techniques and pick which one you like best.

53:56So I hate the question, what do you like or what do you want? Like, again, I can't describe to you exactly what I want. I can't write out my list of here's my manual for how to pleasure me. It just feels too cold and clinical to look at it in that way. But if Xander's, you know, stroking my arm and he tries, like, do you like it better when I stroke you like this or when I use more pressure like this? Then I just have two data points in front of me and I get to say like, okay, go back to the first one. Try that again. No, try the second one. Okay, yeah, I think I like the second one better. So having just two things to compare against each other, it feels so much easier to pick one answer out of two.

54:32and it also is really lowering the bar. I'm not saying like this is the one secret to making me have the best orgasm I've ever had, but it's tuning into this sense of curiosity and exploration with each other and our bodies. So how would you each answer that question then? What makes sex worth having? For me, my answer is playfulness. I realized once I started thinking about this question, I realized I have taken sex so seriously in the past. I've felt that same sort of performance anxiety that Xander has felt of like, I want it to be good. I want to seem like I'm good. I want it to feel to my partner, like things are clicking.

55:12And even in our relationship, like we'd taken sex really seriously for a long time. And I realized for me, I want to feel playful. I want to feel like the stakes aren't so high. I want to feel like we're both goofballs and weirdos outside the bedroom. Like I want to feel like I can bring my full self into the bedroom and be silly and goofy and weird and laugh at things and just like be, yeah, be playful with each other in that moment. Yeah. And I definitely want much of the same. I think another, another thing that feels really good for me is just, it's, it's the connection that I feel with her when we are laughing together, when we're being goofy and when we're giving each other orgasms.

55:55Like that feels I feel that's when I feel the very closest to Vanessa. And so, yeah, I I love that. I love that feeling of connection and feeling kind of like we're unstoppable together. That's when I feel closest and most in love.

56:19one thing i wanted to ask you was like what about when you know things have gone there's there's been like a real rift in a relationship either there's been you know i mean they've gone through something really difficult in life or, you know, death or infidelity, like, does that, how have you seen couples recover from, from, you know, getting over those really, really difficult and painful things? Like, is that possible? And if so, how does one start? A lot of us have this tendency to think of sex in a vacuum. We think it's like just this thing that happens in our bedroom at the end of the night with the doors closed and the lights turned off, that it's really important to recognize that your connection with your partner or lack of connection all throughout the day is really going to impact that desire or ability to connect with them, you know, in the first place.

57:19And so recognizing that, you know, all those life challenges that you just mentioned, like that can really impact your sex life. A lot of people just don't make that connection in their heads and they feel like something's wrong with them for not having that intimacy all the time. So recognizing like your sex life is going to get thrown off. Life is going to throw some serious curve balls your way. It's not about maintaining some perfect connection all the time. It's about sometimes we have to make space for things like that. So one of my biggest tips for couples when you're going through something challenging is to acknowledge it.

57:53Like so often, let's say it's grief from somebody passing. we don't even want to acknowledge that our sex life is struggling because it feels embarrassing it feels like admitting defeat and so we kind of just want to bury our heads in the sand a little bit this also comes up really often when a couple is just going through a dry spell you know maybe there's just some reason that you're just not connecting so couples won't say anything about it but what happens then is it leaves your partner wondering like do they notice that we're not having sex? Do they know this? Do they care? Are they still attracted to me?

58:27And they can start spinning out in a lot of stories in their heads. So just saying something as simple as this, like, hey, I know life has been so crazy lately. I know we're both struggling with a lot of grief right now, but I want you to know that I love you and I miss you. And I know maybe our connection is not going to be the strongest in this season of life, but this isn't what I want. And I'm excited for us to get on to the other side and for us to start reconnecting. Like just that acknowledgement can go a really, really long way in keeping the thread alive between the two of you. And what about infidelity?

59:03Infidelity is definitely a tricky one. And I recommend that couples work with a therapist personally to help guide them through that process because it can really rock your sex life in, I mean, it rocks your entire relationship. The trust has been broken in a really profound way. There's so much grief and sadness and anger. It can often be confusing too. A lot of couples will say that they'll like immediately in the aftermath of discovering the infidelity, a lot of couples actually have a really hot sex life. It's the sense of like, I almost lost you or I want to be better than that person that you were with.

59:39So they can have really great sex, which can feel even more confusing. So it can, yeah, you can really go through so many different phases with it. It is possible, absolutely, to overcome infidelity and just, yeah, needs the help of working with somebody trusted to guide you through that process. That makes sense. We have like these five pillars of intimacy that we think are really crucial for - Summarize them for us. So we've got communication. We have connection, emotional connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration is the fifth one. So I think everybody's heard the advice, like we have to keep it spicy in the bedroom.

1:00:16And it kind of sounds like trite and cheesy advice, but it actually is true. Research shows that when we have new experiences with our partner, our brains light up. We get to see them in new ways. We get to see them from like a different viewpoint. And it actually, it goes back to what we started this conversation talking about, like seeing our partner engaged in their purpose or being competent in something. There's a great way that you can kind of step back from your partner and say like, oh, oh, yeah, you. If you need any proof that this that this is true, just look at the reality TV formula because they have they have figured it out.

1:00:53It's put people into new situations they haven't done before doing new activities. That's why they're always like going skydiving, skydiving, riding ATVs. It's like put two people that don't know each other very well, put them in new situations, and all of a sudden they start bonding much faster than they would otherwise. So yeah, imagine what that's like. Obviously, you know, if you're in a long-term relationship, you know your partner pretty well. But imagine then, yeah, you're doing new things together. If that works for someone that barely knows each other, then like that's going to do wonders for you, you know, knowing all this.

1:01:28It's so exciting. Like, oh, it's so cool to see you in a different light than I have before. Okay, but you don't have to do sexual skydiving to bring back that feeling. Again, a lot of people hear that advice and our brains go to these extreme places like, oh, something new. Like we have to have a threesome or do something super kinky. And you don't. One of the easier ways to go about this is actually to think about what are the things that we used to do in the bedroom that we haven't done in a long time. Oh, that's interesting. Because there's probably a number. Yeah, a lot of us like as relationships go on, our sexual repertoire really starts to narrow down.

1:02:06Like it feels like a buffet at the beginning and then you're down to the like the set menu. And Xander and I fell into this too, where so much of the sex that we were having in certain seasons of our relationship was like 30 seconds of kissing, couple seconds of groping at each other and then straight on to intercourse. Get it done. Yeah. And you feel oftentimes even more vulnerable trying something new with your partner of 17 years than you do at the very beginning of dating when you don't even know them. So starting simpler and just thinking about, yeah, what are those things that we used to do?

1:02:39And they can be very basic things like, oh, we used to spend a really long time making out. Xander and I would spend so much time kissing at the beginning of our relationship. And yeah, then when we'd gotten years into it, it was this really perfunctory 10, 30 seconds of it. So maybe it's bringing back kissing for a little bit. Maybe you have some toys in a dusty box in your closet that haven't seen the light of day in a long time. Like just what are those things that we used to enjoy doing with each other that we haven't done in a while? Yeah. If they're dusty though, definitely wash them off.

1:03:08Wash them off. Oh, guys, thank you so much for being here today. It was great to have you. Thanks for having us. Thank you. And if people want to hear more from you, where's the best place? They can find us on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Zander and Zander's with an X. I think that's a really great starting point for seeing some of the ridiculous reels that we do, opening those conversations with your partner. It's just a great way to get the ball rolling. And then you can also find us on our website, vanessanxander.com. We have a ton of guides and courses. We'd love to teach all the technique that nobody ever learned anywhere.

1:03:46And I think we have a really fun way of making it feel exciting and exploratory and playful rather than like you're terrible at blowjobs. Here's how to get better. So we have like foreplay guides. We have an ultimate sex guide, all sorts of fun stuff to check out. Awesome. Well, thanks so much for being here today. Thanks for having us. It was great. You guys are so awesome. Thank you.

1:04:14Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Goop Podcast. I hope this conversation serves as a reminder to start the conversation, take some pressure off and bring a little more curiosity and playfulness into your relationship. Sometimes just a small shift in how we think about intimacy can change everything. Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. This has been a presentation of Cadence 13 Studios. I hope you'll listen, follow, rate, and review all of our episodes, which are available for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you get your podcasts. Remember All that was today at the ihre起ベbcast.com?

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