Deep Questions to Avoid Shallow Relationships

24:01And then it was great when, like when I was there, when I was doing a bunch of stuff, I'm like, it was great then. But when I, in retrospect, it's a lot of hard work. It's a lot of hard work to live in New York. Like if you're not there for the money. It's expensive. It's dirty. It's crowded. It's dirty. There's crime. There's rats everywhere. Yeah. And it's on top of other people. Like you're constantly on top of people. even though you pay. And they're not nice, most of the people. It's just miserable. Even if you pay a lot of money to rent a place, you're still going to be stacking on top of other people.

24:36It's not like you have your own place. But I do think it's a great city. And just like when, I don't know, Rome was sacked and eventually rebuilt itself 500 years later, I think New York City will eventually come back. Rome, when's the last time you lied? I was just thinking about that. I mean, I really honestly can't remember. I think I was probably young. The last time you lied? Yeah, I don't like liars. And I really, really honestly try to be honest, and I don't lie. But sometimes lies are subtle, like not a big lie. No, I don't even lie. I have a real big problem, and you know I talked about this.

25:12When people say white lies, those to me are real lies. But even there are lies that are like not even... Like, okay, I lied about 20 minutes ago. You didn't? Yeah, I told you a tweet that was trashing me. It called me various names, right? But because I didn't want to get bad into it, I combined two tweets as one tweet to describe this tweet. It was actually a set of tweets this guy made about me, calling me Hitler or whatever, and I combined things he said in multiple tweets so I didn't have to really describe like multiple tweets. You just said tweeted. Yeah, so okay, but that's like kind of half-life.

25:51Is it? Yeah, because I didn't say it was multiple tweets. I basically said it was a tweet. I don't have to say it. Robin's very honest, very straightforward too. Yeah, I don't really have a problem telling people my real feelings. Yeah, because sometimes I'm like, Robin, how do you feel about this scene or this set? Robin would be like, no, I don't like this. It's not like, this is great, but you know. Yeah, and see, it's good because, like, my kids, I think, I feel like are like that too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I talk to John. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your kids are super honest. Yeah, yeah. And, like, Sarah is super honest.

26:30Lily, I mean, like, I don't, I just don't like, you know, that type of person that just says something just to appease you. And so my kids aren't like that. So they're a good reflection of me. I agree. Look, I feel like in terms of major lies, I feel like it's been decades since I was trying to make someone else happy and thus lying. Although maybe not true. Like I think in between marriages before I met you, Robin, I probably, you know, let's say dated some people that I might have disagreed with on things, but I wouldn't really say something. So those are sort of like lies of silence. Because you didn't feel probably comfortable with it.

27:11Or I was insecure. Like I was probably insecure and I wanted them to like me. It's an insecure way. that means that you are insecure when you do have to lie to make people like you. You feel like, oh, if I don't say the truth, then they're not going to like... If I say the truth, they're not going to like me. See, I feel like they're all the time. You know, I felt like I want... But people can see through you doing that. Yeah, but the thing is, like, it's a self... What do you call it? It's like a self-aware thing. Like, I want people to like me, you know? Sure, but they would like you more if you were just yourself.

27:44I think it's different than Robin. I think some people, they want to listen to the right thing that's coming up from your mouth. Right. Some people. They want to listen to the echo chamber. But then the question is, why do you want to even talk to them? See, I do not talk like that. Yeah, exactly. I won't talk to those people or I won't say anything. I'll just listen because I could say something that they don't like, but I just... Yeah, Robin could definitely say things that they don't like. But I would say that's the thing. One good way to avoid lying is to, you know, there's that saying, you're the average of the five people you spend time with.

28:19Just don't spend time with people you feel that you need to lie to. That's all right, I moved down to Georgia. Or there's a saying, if you can't say something nice, don't say something at all. So if you can't say something truthful, don't say anything at all. There you go. Right. So, okay, next question. How many really good friends do you have? Ooh. We always wonder about this on the podcast, actually. I always ask the guests. Yeah, I think I only have two. So what constitutes a really close friend? Yeah, that's how to define. Okay, maybe I would define it as someone I could call anytime, ask for any kind of help and vice versa, and I can be totally honest with about what's going on in my head and what's bothering me.

29:03And vice versa, everything's vice versa. I think I have one or two. One is Singapore and one is in Jersey. Yeah. And also you enjoy spending time with them. and you could be silent with them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely my friends are Singapore for sure because if I do something bad, he would call me out right away. I'm like, okay, sure, whatever. You know, yeah. And how many really good friends do you have? I'd say maybe 10. 10? That's a lot. I would say three or four. You guys are a lot more social than I. I feel like I'm social, but I keep everyone at the arm. We're older than you, so we've collected friends.

29:42Yeah, you kind of have archaeological layers of friends. Right, but the thing is, didn't they have this saying that you have, let's say you can make like 100 friends when you're in school, and then when you hit your 30s and 40s, and most of them are just going to laugh at you, right? Yeah, but that's why I have a lot of friends. We have a lot of social friends, right? But like people that you would actually tell your, you know. And I have a lot of friends that I really like. But you wouldn't ask them to. I wouldn't call necessarily all of them at like four in the morning and say, Right. I need help.

30:16I'm suffering from a heroin overdose. Come pick me up at this hotel in whatever the ghetto of Atlanta. Oh my God. James wouldn't have any friends after that. Do you get along with your exes? No. I didn't talk to them. Well, only one, but I didn't talk to them as much. There are exes for some reason. Yeah. Other than the mother of my children. I don't get along with your exes. Well, other than the mother of my children, I talk to zero of my exes. Right. And what about you? And you don't talk to her either. Yeah. But what about you? Well, mine have passed away. But you've had more exes than that.

31:01Well, I don't talk to my ex. I mean, my old boyfriend, I don't talk to my old boyfriend. Most of you probably have nothing to talk to them about. Yeah, that's just it. Like that's the reason why they're exes. Yeah. You run out of things to say and do and want to do with them. Yeah. And yeah, I generally didn't talk to my, I think I learned a hard way that got humiliated by one of them. I'm like, yeah. Would you go out with somebody who always hung out with her exes? No. No. That's weird. That's a red flag right there, right? I think that's weird. I do too, but why is that a red flag? I think that's a little bit...

31:41I wouldn't like it because I'd be afraid she'd sleep with them. For instance, with your ex, she's calling you. Why would... She wants a husband but without being a wife, right? It's like, that's my husband. You're talking to my husband. She shouldn't be acting like your wife, right? I agree. I would not go out with somebody who's hanging out with her ex all the time. Yeah, because what if they relapse, right? One time I was dating someone who she really wanted me to get along with her most recent ex and she had just left him and he basically, we're all hanging out and he got drunk and basically tried to beat me up.

32:26So that wasn't fun. So just in general. Okay, that's a big red flag. Yeah. I wish I had taken it as more of a red flag. That relationship survived a few months. Yeah, like if you get along with their exes, you feel like you're third willing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, it's a, what do they call it? A trifecta or something like that. Yeah, something like that. But it's just plain and simple. If they're hanging out with their ex, I'm going to be jealous that they're going to end up sleeping with their ex in a period when they're having an argument with me. And that might be insecurity on my part.

33:02I'm not really a jealous person. But it's not necessarily jealousy. Like that is what happens. I have seen enough movie and rom-com that that happens It happens in every single rom-com And it's so annoying In a rom-com they can't even be friends with someone from the opposite sex They're definitely sleeping with that person If they have a boyfriend and a best friend They're sleeping with both in the movie That's why I do not rom-com

33:46Where did you go on your last trip? Denver. LA, Denver. Oh, yeah. You spoke of podcast movement. Yeah, it was great. In Denver. Yeah, Denver. Specifically in Aurora, Colorado. It's a land of nothingness. There's nothing there. But you enjoyed it, though. You met a lot of people? Oh, yeah. I met a lot of people. Chatted with a lot of people. Met some new friends. Yeah. And putting the James Altucher show's name out there. Yeah. You know, I mention it all the time. That's why I don't have to speak at podcast conferences anymore. You're speaking at the podcast conferences. Yeah. And Robin, where was your last trip?

34:22It was, I believe it was in California with you and Jay. Oh, yeah. We went to... Wait, do you not go to Amsterdam with James? No, she didn't go to Amsterdam. Uh-uh. Oh. You let me go to Amsterdam all by myself. So I was taking a walk with these guys. and my friend Dirk, who's the editor of New in Chess, he was like saying, oh, and he was just being very serious. Like, you know, the architecture in the red light district is very interesting. You want to walk by it and I could, because he's from there. He said I could point out all these different things. And I said, no, I've got this find my phone app on my phone.

34:56And if I walk through there, my wife will see, what is he doing walking in the red light district and like stopping at different buildings? What did he say? Absolutely. He and there was one other person with us laughed. That's funny because you're right. But they didn't question. I know that area. They didn't question. Is that a little weird that your wife's fight? They didn't question that part. Oh, he didn't? I thought they maybe would. They're just like just laughed and like we didn't go. Wait, wait, what if James started getting high over there? Yeah, what if I started getting high over there?

35:22Because I mean, I trust him. She knows I don't do that. So, you know, I'm there for chess. Even if you were walking down the red light district, I mean, I wouldn't. Oh, you would call. Like that one time the power of my phone went out in Brooklyn and I was like in the middle of Brooklyn just wandering around. And then I was like somehow I charged my phone in this bodega and then I got into an Uber and you were like, where were you? And where are you now? And I thought I was still in Brooklyn, but the Uber had already crossed over into Manhattan. So I have to over explain, oh, I'm in an Uber. I didn't know it already crossed because I was talking to you.

35:59Anyway, you would definitely call that second. It would be 3 a.m. in... No, no, actually, it was only because it was around 10 p.m. in Amsterdam. It was like 4 p.m. here. So you would definitely have called right that moment. To be fair, in New York City, if your phone went out and no one can track you down, people definitely should call. You never know what's going to happen in New York City. I just use it as a safety thing with all the kids. you know, and you. Yeah, I need safety. Well, I mean, just. Is he okay? But like, look, you left your phone one time in the Uber. We were able to find it.

36:38Oh, yeah, yeah, in England. Like, there's things. I just do that because I'm just safety first. You know, living overseas, I'm really aware of everything. This show is sponsored by the app Find Your Phone. Phone Finder by Apple. Yeah. Remember Amsterdam? Yeah, yeah. My last really fun trip was Amsterdam where I observed this very high-end chess tournament with all these ex-world champions in there, and it was so much fun. Robin should have come with me, but she didn't. But, no, you had things to do here. Stuff was going on. All right. But, you know, these are all really good questions to ask someone to learn about them.

37:18Like, then you learn their interests, you learn their job, you learn... Actually, I forgot where to do... Oh, yeah, we went to L.A. because we were visiting that company. Yeah. And in Vegas. She didn't go to, oh, I went to Vegas, yeah. But that was for a conference. Yeah, I went from Amsterdam to Las Vegas. Like probably, how many sin cities are there? There's Amsterdam is like a sin city, Las Vegas. And I didn't go to either of them. Yeah, and New York is a sin city too, right? I don't know if New York is. Is New York a sin? Oh, you sort of is, right? Like the product of Amsterdam and Las Vegas is like vice.

37:50You know, you would think of it that way. Like what is Amsterdam and Las Vegas known for? either not gambling in Las Vegas, but also, let's say, prostitution. Amsterdam's known for drugs and prostitution. What's another sin city like that? Maybe Bangkok? Oh yeah, Bangkok for sure. That's for prostitution. Macau maybe? I don't know. That's kind of high-end gambling. Or Monte Carlo. I don't think of that as a sin city, even though it's gambling. I'm a good kid. I never go to any sin city. That's why I don't know about them. There you go. Atlantic City maybe. That's like a... Really? Tell us, James.

38:27Yeah. Yeah. How do you know? Yeah. How do you know? I spent the summer in Atlantic City playing poker in 1999. Summer of 1999. I had a house on Brigantine and I would go every day to play poker in the Trump Taj Mahal casino. What would you do if money was not an issue? I don't know. I don't know if I would live differently if money was not an issue. You know? Like, it's weird. So I think I got this from my parents and part of the reason why, also because I'm Asian. Like, even if I have like a billion dollars, I would still want to work. Like, I think I told you guys this. If I don't work, I would get sick.

39:06Yeah. I feel the same way. I have to do, I have to have something going on. Yeah. I think it's more like, I mean, Warren Buffett puts it, well, you don't want to work in the sense that you always want to do what you love. So you skip all the way to work. And if you're doing what you love, it's not really work. So like, why would your life change just because of money? Ideally, you've set up your life to do what you love, but not everybody has that opportunity. But I would suggest that if you're not working on things you love, at least some percentage of the time, make it a quest for yourself to try to monetize a little bit something you love or don't give up the things you love.

39:45So you could do more of the things you hate just for money because, you know, it's the cliche life is short. but obviously you need to have money to do certain things that you might not do. You didn't need the money. But a weird one is to set up a professional recording studio. If money wasn't a thing. Yeah, but then you'd have to get clients for it. Well, if money is not a thing, right? I just can't have it. What would you do? Would you make music, your own music? Probably music, podcasts, and everything. Just create something fun and something experimental. Okay, let me ask you a question. You can do that down here, why don't you just...

40:18Yeah, just set up a studio down here. It's a professional studio. I don't know. No, I'm serious. We have a room down here that's empty that you can make a professional studio in. Buy all my equipment here. Yeah. Why not? And then how come more people don't do this? You can make music, right? You can sample stuff. Yeah. So take your favorite songs, sample them, or take a YouTube course on how to blend samples together so they sound like in sync with each other, and then use auto-tune so that your voice is in perfect harmony, and then you can make music. How come everybody just doesn't make music?

40:49You don't really need any musical talent. Yeah, not everyone likes music, right? Everybody loves listening to music. Yeah, so there's a difference between love listening to music and love creating music. I love watching movies, but I'm not sure if I love creating movies. That's true. You know what I mean? Some people, they love reading books, but they might not love writing books. Well, actually, that's an interesting thing. So I always thought it was good for my kids to watch TV when they were little because that gets them exposed to many, many stories and they get some potentially good at storytelling.

41:23So do you think observing something, even if you're not passionate about it, makes you better at understanding that topic? For sure. If you watch a basketball game, do you think you will ever so slightly improve a basketball? At least for me, yes. So I'm, what do you call it? I learn by watching things, right? Your visual. Yeah, visual. So let's say if I want to play basketball, I will watch a bunch of basketball games and then I will visual myself doing some sort of move for the basketball team, like during the basketball game, and then try it out on the court and see if it works or not. Yeah, I'm definitely like that.

42:02And while watching a movie, yeah, I learn by observing. Yeah, me too. Like we watched The Equalizer. Not an auditory, more visual. We watched The Equalizer last night, and basically in nine seconds I could kill the both of you. I want to just be an MMA. Yeah. Yeah. At least you know the concept. Like maybe because I relate everything to physics. So anything that's physical, I'm like, okay, this makes sense why it is work this way. So those are Dushka Zapata's questions to get to know someone better. And she concludes it with, you know, this is like a kind of a blog post. She concludes it with, and she says, and of course, before we go any further, do you love me?

42:43so that's what she would ask someone if they get to them better but then she says she's just kidding but I think that's actually a reason that would be if you're on a date that is a fun question to ask at the end first date would be creepy though but that's if you say it seriously like I really need to know if you love me already like that would be creepy but if you kind of do it like in this priming sort of way where you kind of like set the bar really high but like in this kind of humorous way then that kind of primes the date and we've talked about this I think I forgot who we talked about it's basically a manipulation tactic to kind of ask that in a joking way oh was it Bill Petit?

43:23might have been but it might have been someone else I feel like it was more recent so don't do that because the manipulation it's not so much of manipulation it's the same as I think was it the anchor bias? yeah it's similar to anchor bias you go into you go into negotiations and they're like oh how much money do you want for this product you're like oh maybe 50 million but yeah just joking yeah so it's like anchor bias right like if you said that seriously they would think you were weird or stupid but if you're just like making it as a joke they take it as a joke they forget about it but it really just sort of anchors them at a high number without them necessarily realizing it so it's a good sales slash negotiation technique yeah but okay i'm gonna ask you guys this question i'm sure you guys this is like the common questions I think we talk about this in other episodes.

44:13But if there's one person you can have lunch with, who would you have? Like that or a lie. Robin.

44:24Robin's sitting there. Robin's watching. I don't know. I don't like having lunch with people. Like lunch and talk to them. I think it would be Alexander the Great. Really? Why? I don't know. He was just such a young... I feel like he would just say, okay, now I'm going to invade Persia. I don't know. I just want to know what was he thinking. At such a young age, how he was able to just take over all these countries and was he scared? Where did he get his confidence? What's the one question that you asked him? I want to know how he felt so confident. What made him feel that he could do what he did at that age?

45:13Like that's pretty amazing. His father, Philip of Macedonia, obviously was a strong king as well. So probably he got a lot of confidence from that. And his teacher, by the way, was Aristotle, like the most famous philosopher ever. So Aristotle probably gave a lot of confidence. He was like, what, how was he? 16? I thought he was 16. I don't know. And he died pretty young, right? He died pretty young. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I guess I would want to have lunch with someone like Buddha to see if they were the real deal. Like if it was real or if I felt there was, if I sent some kind of BS there. I mean, all the self-help gurus have some sort of BS, right?

45:51Even like Queen Elizabeth would be fun to talk to, like everything that she experienced. That's funny. So you like someone with like a military thing to talk about. Well, just to understand, first of all, someone that's old. okay so Alexander the Great wasn't old but someone that has really experienced like real world experience that have controlled and conquered the world. I don't know, I think it's so interesting. Look, I feel like we've had the most interesting people alive on this podcast among the 1 ,500 podcast guests that we've had. So I've already done it. We've already had lunch with...

46:31What about people that are dead though? Yeah, I don't really want to have lunch with any of them. Any of those people. I think I want to have lunch with Genghis Khan or Hitler. Oh, you're going to have lunch with Hitler? Genghis Khan would be interesting. Well, because like, you know, like, so let's say if you have lunch with like superhero or like people that are like really kind-hearted, like you already know their motives, right? Yeah, because they want to help people, their self-lovedness. But like, what about Hitler and Genghis Khan? What drives them to do all this? What about Sun Tzu? He would be cool to talk to.

47:05But I feel like we would know what they would say. Like Hitler would basically say he was driven by, I mean Hitler was driven by power and by German nationalism. Like he felt Germany was the greatest race of all and that it should rule the world and that the source of all of Germany's problems were Jews. And so you got to kill all the Jews. He was Jewish. No, but who knows? We don't really know. But what about Genghis Khan? Genghis Khan was interesting in the sense that he understood not it wasn't important just to conquer everybody like he had this need to have his seed spread over he basically raped every woman he encountered which is why we're all descendants from Genghis Khan so you guys right he didn't he didn't cross the ocean did he no but Genghis Khan he raped like thousands of people so yeah everybody's got getting his kind of an ancestor essentially everybody in Europe and Asia.

47:57I try according to my DNA. Yeah, no, according to my DNA. I have no Mongolia in my DNA. Really? Yeah. Well, all right, then I guess he didn't rape enough people. William the Conqueror I'm related to. Really? Who is that? Well, you know, Genghis Khan is much longer than this. So you might, your DNA might not, those are the only, your DNA might not detect it. That's the only Conqueror I'm related to that I know. It might be like one 10 ,000th of your DNA. So it'd be too small to recognize. I don't know. But you're like, do you have any Asian? You have Asians. I definitely have Asians. I was hoping that I had some Dutch in me, but apparently I didn't.

48:30I didn't. It's all Asian. Well, I guess because the Dutch were the first to reach out to... Not reach out, but like they conquered. No, no, but Marco Polo in the 1200s would trade with China. Yeah. So, okay. That's 10 or so questions that you should ask to get to know people better. I totally stole this content from Duska Zapata's Facebook page, but you should check out all her questions and answers on Quora. She really writes really great. Thanks, Robin. Thanks, Jay. It was fun. We'll do more. Yeah, we'll do more. It should be like an IG Live or something. Yeah. Let's do it.