The Science & Mechanics of Pleasure (a/k/a How to Have Great Sex) | Dr. Nicole McNichols Pt. 2

28:45We tend to think of, you know, oh my God, you know, scheduling sex, that's just the most unsexy thing in the world. And I understand that belief, but when you think about it, we put everything else on our calendars that's important to us, including things we're looking forward to, like a vacation, right? Again, And it feeds into that wanting stage, that anticipation that with itself can be really enjoyable. But planning doesn't just mean, okay, 8 p.m. Wednesday, halfway through loading the dishwasher, we're just going to jump into bed, right? And so I talk about this idea in my book of planning intimacy dates, which means giving yourself time, right?

29:25Planning not just the sex itself, but in setting the mood both for yourself individually as well as with your partner, right? Again, when we look at couples in long-term relationships who are part high levels of sexual satisfaction, they all say they put a lot of effort into setting the mood. Meaning you close your laptop a bit earlier at night. You take a shower or a bath, whatever it is that helps you to get into the mood. You do whatever grooming you feel like you need to get into. You read a book. You don't go on to TikTok and start doom scrolling for hours, right? In other words, if we understand that, you know, really to experience desire, it requires our central nervous systems calming down and to a certain extent syncing up with that of our partner.

30:12If we once a week can set apart time, either maybe it's when you're going out to dinner, you know, a lot of couples enjoy date night, but it doesn't have to be even as elaborate as that. It can just be time when you're sharing a glass of wine on the couch, right? After you've put the kids to bed. Or it's, you know, another time maybe you're taking a walk and just catching up. But when there can be time set apart to nurture intimacy in general, and it's sort of creating a space for sex and eroticism to happen, you're just going to be much more likely to have it. And what we see, you know, again, from longitudinal studies is that when couples have planned sex, when it's something that was on the calendar, not only do they enjoy it just as much as when they have spontaneous sex, but they have it more frequently and they report higher levels of desire.

31:07In other words, having it on the calendar, looking forward to it, knowing you're going to do something special for yourself and for your relationship that night within itself can build anticipation and desire for the event. So yeah, letting go of this idea that spontaneity is the only pathway to great sex is, I think, really helpful and honestly, a huge relief for a lot of couples. And you also mentioned like positions, like people, there's like various positions, of course. People talk about which positions are quote unquote better than others. And in particular, even the name, the missionary position, like a missionary is like a priest.

31:43So it's considered like the worst. But I always wonder, like it seems like that's the position with the most skin to skin contact. And also your eyes are looking at each other. So what problem with obviously shit? Exactly. Oh my gosh. Missionary just needs a better publicist. Honestly, missionary can be so hot. It can be so enjoyable. And yeah, there's more skin-to-skin contact. I mean, remember, our entire body is an erogenous zone, right? We're not just experiencing pleasure from our genitals. It's a myth that that's the case. We experience pleasure when there is skin-to-skin contact. You know, some of the most sexual people who I've had in to speak in my class where they feel comfortable, right, sharing what their favorite types of sex are, they all describe this position of essentially they say, I like to be smushed, right?

32:35I like to have full body contact, my entire body touching my partners. There might, you know, we're both sweaty. That can be hot. And yes, it increases feelings of emotional connection, right? Again, that caring piece that we talked about that's critical to great sex. It also can invite kissing. Kissing during sex has actually some fascinating research behind it. When we kiss during sex, it first of all, it predicts a higher rate of orgasm in women. In other words, when there's kissing during sex, women are more likely during the event to have an orgasm. Researchers think this might be because it slows the pace of sex as well as increases intimacy, which we've talked about is important for pleasure.

33:21My tip for missionary, other than it really needing a new name, is that we can make it more pleasurable for women because there are ways to tilt her pelvis so that there is more friction against the clitoris and against that general area. And so that's why I talk in my book about lifted missionary, where you're literally taking a pillow and putting it underneath her bottom to lift her pelvis up a little bit. And that is going to sort of increase friction. I know if you're watching this on YouTube or wherever, you can see me making the angles with my hands. But it's essentially going to be increasing the direct contact of the place on her body that feels the best.

34:08Because again, it's all coming down to how do you stimulate the clitoris, both from the inside and the outside? You know where I first read this advice, actually? Where? It's the book, A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway gives Gerald this advice. I love that. Ebscott the Stereld is worried about his size. So Hemingway takes, and it's supposed to be a nonfiction book, but Hemingway is really just taking out all his grievances on everybody he hates. So we don't know if it's true or not. But Hemingway takes him to a museum in Paris where he looks at different statues and the sizes. and then he suggests this technique.

34:46That is amazing. And it's, okay, I need to now introduce that into my curriculum for sure. But you know, the other thing that Hemingway might've been onto is that technique, it stimulates the outer portions of the clitoris. But what a lot of people are surprised to hear is we now know, and sadly, we didn't know this until 2006 when Dr. Helen O 'Connell finally, through MRI studies, looked at the full structure of the clitoris, but it extends about six inches internally down and wraps around the vagina. It has these inner structures that are called the cura and the vestibular bulbs. And so, you know, we used to talk about this idea of a G-spot and, you know, as like this magic button that was inside the vagina.

35:35then if you stimulated it, it would lead to great orgasms. We now know there's not necessarily a G spot, although there can be an area that is sensitive that has almost a walnut texture to it that is different from the way the rest of the vagina feels. But what's important is that when you stimulate that area, what you're really doing is stimulating the clitoris from the inside. In other words, by moving that part of the vagina, you're stimulating the cura and the vestibular bulbs, which are directly just the lower portions of the clitoris. But the great news is this, and we call this, we don't call it the G-spot anymore, although it's fine if you want to call that to make it easier if you're listening to this.

36:21Researchers call it the clitoral urethral vaginal complex. But anyway, a little bit harder, a bit of a mouthful. Well, everything's kind of just a sexual joke here because leave it just what you just said is really funny. Exactly. No, that's okay. Anyway, this area, this special area, it's two to three inches inside the vagina, which means as long as you are two to three inches in size, you can hit that magic area that will lead to incredible pleasure. So yeah, this idea that you have to be really endowed or look like, you know, have the penis length of a porn star is just a total fallacy. And yet there's so much insecurity.

37:06About 82 % of men report some kind of insecurity with their size. But when we ask women, if you're satisfied with the genital size of your partner, the vast majority of them, right, say yes. So there's this huge disconnect, right? Over 80 % of women are saying, yeah, I'm totally happy with his size. But so many are reporting, you know, fewer than half are reporting that they're satisfied with their size. You know, I have a TikTok that went viral, like 5 million views, the truth about penis size. And it's because there's so much insecurity around this, right? And so much worry that if you're not eight inches long, you're not going to be able to give her an incredible orgasm when the reality is you just need two to three inches, guys.

37:55That's all it's taking. And by the way, there's fingers, there's sex toys, there's tongues, right? All of these can actually be even better mechanisms for reaching those special areas than a penis. So yeah, there's sort of this unfortunate insecurity about something that just really doesn't need to be prioritized as much as it is.

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41:02You also mentioned early on the labia, the inner labia, the outer, like all these different areas are also very, you know, feel good. So, so are they connected in the same way to like, are they part of the clitoral complex or what's the? No. So, however, they are filled with nerve endings, right? And so this is why I think a lot of people make the mistake of what I call gunning it for the clit because they have heard that the clitoris is important. And so they assume that they should just go directly there and start stimulating. When the reality is that when things are getting going, that can often feel not great.

41:42It's almost feels like it's too sensitive. But if you are touching the outer vulva, you're touching the outer, the labia majora, the labia minora, which are the outer and inner lips of the vagina, those have so many nerve endings. And stroking that area can be a great way to start to get someone turned on and then slowly making your way to the clitoris. So yeah, no, those are very important structures. They're not technically part of the clitor urethral vaginal complex, but you know what is, is if you heard within that mouthful, the word urethra, the reason that's there is those internal portions of the clitoris and that area where you're stimulating two to three inches inside.

42:25It's actually connected as well to something called the skein's gland, which feeds into the urethra. And the reason I'm sharing this is, yes, some women do ejaculate. And no, it's not pee. It is fluid from the skein's gland that often accompanies an orgasm that's been stimulated internally via the G-spot, aka the clitoriorethral vaginal complex. Does the ejaculation happen the same way as an orgasm? And I guess here's a real dumb question. No dumb questions. What orgasm? Okay. I mean, I know what it sounds like and when it happens, whatever. But I know what a male orgasm is. What is technically a female orgasm?

43:09Okay. Well, first of all, let me just answer this from a research-informed perspective. When orgasm occurs, it's a brief contraction of muscles. It's within the pubococcus igus muscle, which is the pelvic floor. And it is leading up through arousal. You're building what's called the orgasmic platform, which is sort of those muscles are becoming kind of tense, but in a good way. and then you peak and then that leads to the contraction of these muscles and then that pushes to push blood out of the genitals. And this is true for both women and men. And in fact, in studies where they've asked men and women to describe exactly what an orgasm feels like, but you're not allowed to specifically name your genitals in your description, when they ask men and women to do that and then they give it to blind raters, when the raters read these descriptions, they're not able to distinguish which ones are describing female orgasm versus male orgasm, which suggests it probably feels largely the same.

44:19Of course, there's blood flow to different areas, but men are ejaculating. And then, yeah, women often, if it's an orgasm that's stimulated through that area, will also ejaculate. And does that feel better for them than just, quote unquote, just a female orgasm? Not necessarily. When we look at blood flow, for example, for all these different types of orgasms, you will see more blood flow to the area where the stimulation was occurring. But in terms of the physiological response of orgasm, it's pretty much identical, which is kind of amazing because there are people who can have orgasms just from having their breasts touched.

44:55Or there's some people who can have orgasms just from fantasy alone. There are people who can have... Without touch. Without touch. Yeah. Yeah. I show my class a documentary of a woman I put into an MRI machine and she just fantasizes and she has like 40 orgasms in the course of an hour. And it's, you know, with researcher Beverly Whipple there. I mean, it's just absolutely incredible. Is that woman married? Exactly. And can we be her? What's her secret? But I mean, that part of your brain fantasy, right, that is the exact part of our brain that developed and evolved millions of years ago to be able to imagine things that are not actually happening in front of us.

45:39They actually evolved for a very adaptive reason. It's if you can imagine things that aren't happening, it means you can make plans and form strategies, which when we were trying to beat out other forms of hominids was very helpful. But now we have this beautiful fact that we are the only living organism that can get completely turned on by something that's not in front of us, but that's just located in our imaginations. And so leaning into that and the fact that some people can have orgasms just from thoughts alone, all of us may not be able to do that, but we can certainly learn to harness our sexual fantasies to help us get turned on and to think about what kind of gets us going.

46:22So I think it points to that. But yeah, from a physiological standpoint, lots of ways people can orgasm, but we really need to stop ranking them and assuming that if you're not squirting, that you're not having an intense orgasm or that a vaginal, you know, Sigmund Freud tried to argue that vaginal orgasms were more mature than clitoral orgasms, insinuating essentially that unless it was an orgasm that was caused by a penis, it was immature, right? Which is sort of a misogynistic view of sex, just saying that, you know, because clitoral stimulation is, you know, typically something a woman can do on her own via masturbation.

47:04But yet that's not true. And when we look physiologically at studies, right? From a physiological standpoint, it's the same. Even when people are asked to describe the difference, I mean, sometimes some women will say, oh, it was more, it felt deeper or more full bodied. But you have to kind of take those findings a little bit with a grain of salt, because if we're believing that it's going to be more body because it's inside us, right, That's going to kind of set up this expectation. But, you know, just because it's, you know, internally being induced by a penis, you know, it can also, there's a technique, you know, the Spider-Man technique that I teach my students in class that I make them all practice that involves using a couple of fingers to stimulate the G-spot in a come-hither motion that is getting at those internal structures of the clitoris.

48:00And so sometimes, right, through a technique I call the finger-tongue combo, if you're getting both the external portions of the clitoris as well as the internal portions, that can lead to a really intense orgasm. But again, all bodies are different, and it's just about communicating with your partner and seeing really what they enjoy and what they want more of. By the way, I do want to say this is the most important chapter in your book. So I'm going to read that. Glad to hear it. Great point. the spider-man or come-hither technique. But that was also related to the myths too, that fingers are more important than people usually say.

48:41Oh, yes, exactly. That's another myth. Yes, that fingering is boring. Fingering needs to make a comeback, right? It's not like third base. It's not like third base, exactly. And it's really interesting because when we look at heterosexual couples, there's this orgasm gap. In other words, if you ask men if they had in straight relationships or just who are straight in general, if the last time they had sex, they had an orgasm, about 95 % say yes, they did. Whereas for women, it's like 63%, right? So in other words, men are orgasming at much higher rates. But when you look at lesbians, right, Their rates are about 85%, meaning that the orgasm gap is not about women being less orgasmic, but more about different techniques that straight couples are using versus lesbians.

49:32And one of the things that lesbians are very good at is using their fingers. And so, yes, again, when you were speaking about the outer labia and the inner labia, using fingers to be able to warm up those areas, using fingers to be able to stimulate two inches inside using that Spider-Man technique, right? Using fingers in a back and forth motion or a figure eight or up and down in either a pattern that is rhythmic and the same or is switching things up to build anticipation. All of these things are magical techniques that for so many women are so much more pleasurable than just simply penetrative sex.

50:15And you also mentioned, and this is an interesting thing, and it's also related to the myth, is consistency. So like, what you see in the Hollywood movies, it's like, or whatever, like everyone's sounding like faster, harder, whatever. And yet that's the opposite of what you're saying with just the consistency. Yes. I'm so glad you brought that up. So we go from faster, harder, you know, all of it can be helpful, sort of more during the plateau stage, which is that second stage after excitement builds, when you might want to be doing different things, switching up positions, switching up techniques.

50:52But when a woman is getting really close to orgasm, consistency is key. And that is why when she starts saying, don't stop, she literally means don't stop what you're doing. And I know that this is hard for all you overachievers out there who are listening and who really your instinct is to just step things up at that moment. No, just literally what she means is keep doing exactly what you're doing and don't change it. From a physiological standpoint, that makes sense because when we're looking at the orgasmic platform and this rhythmic sequence of contractions that define orgasm, it's that consistency that helps to then trigger the consistency of the orgasmic muscle contractions.

51:45Yeah. So it seems like a lot of this discussion, we're talking about techniques for the female orgasm and so on. And there's really like the male orgasm is kind of easy and it's not really like a big deal, it seems. But you do mention something that's interesting, which also I think is like an interesting myth that, you know, the quantity of male orgasms is actually healthy. Like the male, you know, males, men having a lot of orgasms is actually a very healthy thing. Whereas I think a lot of times people think, you know, if you kind of restrict your male orgasm, it's like this how of sex thing where, you know, somehow you build testosterone or you get stronger or whatever.

52:28Right. Yes. And those myths have really come from the anti-porn movement, right? Which is really trying to put so much shame on men who are watching porn when it's really unhelpful to be, and not evidence-based, that that is a bad behavior, which we can get to. But with masturbation specifically, no, orgasms are healthy. They tone the muscles. They keep blood flow to the area. But yet I've heard so many myths that you need to, you know, not have or restrict the number of orgasms you have so that you can build up testosterone. Not at all true. That it's going to lead to zinc loss or nutrient loss.

53:16Not at all true. That's going to make you less able to get turned on by a partner. Actually, people who masturbate in relationships have more sex with their partner, not less. So yeah, there's so many myths associated with it. My students every year want to know what my thoughts are on this thing called No, Not November, which is essentially this social media movement where everyone is supposed to refrain from masturbating every November as a quote unquote mental and physical reset. And I swear I want to get a protest going out in campus every November against this because it is just built on shame and there is just no science to support this idea that restricting the number of orgasms you're having is going in any way to be helpful.

54:06So, yeah. Well, you know, like for, let's say a man who's getting older, like 40s, 50s, 60s. Yes. They're not going to have as much sperm production. Right. And so, you know, is there benefit there of not necessarily, for the man of not necessarily having orgasm every time. Okay. So as men age, it's not so much about sperm production. Sperm actually make up less than 1 % of semen. Semen is mostly made of fluid that is from the seminal fluid as well as prostate fluid. Yeah, I just want to say, in the past 58 years, I have thought semen and sperm are the exact same thing. Yeah, it's a huge myth.

54:48It's a huge myth. No, there's very few. It's less than 1%, about 300 million per ejaculate, which is still 1%. It sounds like a lot, but it's still less than 1%. However, what happens with men as they age, because this is an important topic, is what's called, which actually leads to another big myth with male sexuality, is they experience increasingly longer refractory periods. And so what a refractory period is, and this is something that you don't see in porn, right? Is that after a man ejaculates, there is going to be a period of time where no matter how turned on he is or how badly he wants to have sex, he will physiologically be unable to have, get another erection.

55:37And so this means a couple of things. It means, first of all, that, you know, I get a lot of young men in my office who feel like the fact that they, you know, can't just immediately get hurt again. To have, you know, another round of sex with their partners means there's something broken. No, physiologically, that's actually not required, nor is it normal. But that time, which inevitably occurs, varies, and it does tend to get longer with age. So in a 20-year-old, it might be 15 minutes, but by the time you get to be 70 or 80, it might be up to 48 hours. So if you find, and it's just individual, right?

56:19I mean, there's some 80-year-olds who might be able to get hard again 15 minutes later, by all means, if that's you, go for it. But it's not that orgasms are bad for you. It's just that it's a natural part of your orgasmic response to have that refractory period. And yeah, as we get older, You know, aging is a bummer. It takes a little longer, but that's okay. But it doesn't necessarily decrease. You know, this is your whole point is that it's not just about the orgasm. It's not like goal-oriented sex. No, exactly. Exactly. So I think as a man gets older, a man can appreciate all these other aspects as opposed to being goal-oriented.

57:00Yes, exactly. Exactly. It's not a goal-oriented procedure. We don't need to have multiple orgasms and be having sex in Olympic style positions for sex to be incredible, right? It just needs to be authentic. We need to feel, again, it's that caring and connection that happens when we feel like we're really coming together with a partner and feel like there's that sexual curiosity. And it's almost a form of play, right? Where you're really showing your partner a vulnerable side of you that nobody else gets to see. and that's a beautiful thing and that does not go away with age. And so, yeah, I mean, it's okay that you don't need to, you know, that you're not having sex every 15 minutes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?

57:50Or is it a sign that you're masturbating too much? But like in terms of the refractory period, let's talk about women for a second because then there's, I picture a Hollywood movie, two people have sex, then suddenly they're smoking cigarettes, taking showers, going out, leaving the house, what is going on with their day? Whereas, you know, you mentioned in the book that multiple orgasms for women are a lot more common than people think. And what is the story with that? Does every woman have the capability? Like, what, how do you do it? Like, what is the, what is the story? So multiple orgasms are real.

58:23And about a third of women report that they have them on a somewhat regular basis of women who are sexually active. The reason that women can have them, and men can have them too, we'll talk about how in just a second, but is because they don't have a refractory period. And so when a woman is having multiple orgasms, it's not that you have sex, she has an orgasm, you go, you get a snack, you cuddle, and then you have sex again. It's usually, you know, on average, the orgasms are about, you know, two to three to four minutes apart. And instead of coming back down into resolution, she's sort of going back and forth between orgasm and what we call the plateau stage.

59:05So, you know, when we've interviewed women who identify as being multi-orgasmic, there's a huge range in experiences. Some say that the average number of orgasms that they'll have is two or three. Some report up to 50 or 100, right? It sounds exhausting, but good for them. 100, though, times three minutes is six hours. Yes. So remember, the three minutes is an average, which means for, you know, so there's going to be like, there's like one person in a study of a thousand who said that. So, I mean, we have to just remember the math here is, you know, she's getting mixed into the average. but you know for her probably you know it was probably more likely that she was having something called serial orgasms where it's almost just kind of like one super long orgasm that just has multiple peaks um so you know it's a subjective thing so it's hard to exactly know unless you were in the room with her which would you know arguably pose some ethical issues to know exactly what was happening.

1:00:11Or not, right? I mean, Masters and Johnson did it, so why not? But some women, about half of women who have multiple orgasms say it is something that they feel like they have some control over. The other half don't. They say that when they have them, they're more likely to feel incredibly emotionally connected to their partner at the time. Not that the multiple orgasms causes that, but that they come into the experience feeling really connected to their partner. Some of them report that they have a super, super high sex drive in general. Some of them report just an average sex drive. Some report that they started exploring themselves sexually at a younger age.

1:00:53Others don't. So there's really just huge variety in terms of the experiences, how many you have. But yeah, on average, the first one occurs about 10 to 11 minutes into sex, and then they occur about every two to three minutes. But again, more is not always better, right? And so sometimes it's, do you want to have two or three sort of, you know, mid-level intensity orgasms or just one powerful, full, all-body, amazing orgasm at the end? It just, you know, it just depends on what your body is wired for, what you're into, and maybe the connection you feel. After that first orgasm, is there any cooling down period?

1:01:36Like you say, there's no refractory period. So for some women, they say stimulation just continues, meaning that there's really no calming down. In other words, it's coming down into the plateau face. You're not orgasming. You're in that space in between, but there's no refractory period at all. For other women, they will switch to a different type of stimulation. And one thing that's interesting is that on average, when women have multiple orgasms, they say the first one is reached through direct clitoral stimulation, either with a finger, a tongue, a sex toy. And then the second one might still be clitoral stimulation, but it is also just as equally likely caused through vaginal penetration, which is sort of interesting because when you consider that women have a hard time, you know, most orgasming through vaginal penetration at all, it suggests that, you know, if you've had a clitoral orgasm, that it might make it a little bit more likely that you will, you know, can have a vaginal one.

1:02:38And that makes sense because if you've had one orgasm, you already have, you know, what we call vasocongestion in the area, good blood flow, everything's aroused, and it might, you know, make it easier for that next one to occur. So in other words, it varies, right? Some people, they just keep going and there's really no break. And for some people, there is a break. It just depends on the person. And now you mentioned like for a lot of these women, they're experiencing a big emotional connection with their partner. And maybe that just allows them to relax more or have more trust or confidence.

1:03:12But what is the role of love in sex? Like how much does love increase or decrease the enjoyment, the hormones that are released? How much does it increase or decrease the enjoyment for men? I'm just curious about the emotional role here. I think it's almost a little bit like sexual orientation. Some people are oriented to really need love before they can really feel that ability to let go and enjoy sex and be truly vulnerable. and the more connected and in love with their partner they feel, the better able they are to really let go and experience pleasure. But some people are oriented towards things like novelty, adventure, thrill, a little bit of risk-taking.

1:04:02There are even some people now who identify as being fray-sexual, which essentially means they lose sexual attraction for a partner that becomes too familiar or who becomes somebody who is not brand new, right? And so we used to, you know, spend time thinking that those people were, you know, emotionally stunted. But if you have the awareness to know that that's just your sexual orientation and you're honest and transparent about that, you know, maybe it's just part of the beautiful diversity of sexual expression. The problem is if you're misleading about it, right? But yeah, I mean, people are just oriented towards different things.

1:04:39It's no different than some people truly are oriented towards wanting to be in polyamory. Some people are oriented towards enjoying kink and kind of the risk and excitement that that carries. And I think some of us are oriented to just want a really strong feeling of emotional connection and love to experience a really intense orgasm. I'm wondering just in terms of relationships, like are the people who are oriented towards feeling love in, you know, when they're having an orgasm or whatever, are they more likely to stay in longer term, you know, or deeper relationships? Probably. I mean, we don't have data on that.

1:05:18I would guess yes. One thing I will say though, that's interesting is women actually have been found to lose desire more quickly over the course of a long-term relationship than men do. And novelty is more important for them over time. And so we assume that it's men who get bored quickly and they're going to go need the new partner, the new thing. Actually, women are more likely to report those feelings of boredom. I believe that just because most of what we've been talking about is the female orgasm. Male orgasm is like the easiest thing in the world, it seems to me.

1:06:28We'll be right back. parents and ghosts. Pluto TV is always free. Pluto TV stream now. Pay never.