Mel Robbins: Stop Anxiety Now! The Secret That Actually Works to Master Your Fear and Anxiety Today! (RR)

0:00Struggle with fear and anxiety? Mel Robbins is here on the show with you and me today to share her six secret words to help stop fear and anxiety in its tracks. Plus, she's sharing her own journey and science-backed tools for how she's gone from panic attacks and anxiety dominating her days to no longer letting them control her life. This is an episode you're going to want to share with everyone you know today. I know so many people struggle with anxiety and you say that there are six magic words to stop anxiety.

0:38Mel Robbins: Yes. I will tell you what the six words are. So the six words are very simple. What role have panic attacks played in your life? Oh my God. So the thing that we call anxiety is the same thing that we call excitement. And I can prove it to you. I mean, when I say I struggle with anxiety, Jamie, I'm talking crippling anxiety. Do you still feel a panic attack coming on? No. No. No. No. You don't even start to feel the sensation anymore. Absolutely. Well, I feel the sensations, but I understand them. You understand. So, like, for example. Will you take us through that process? There's a lot of people on varying spots of the journey of handling it in their life.

1:25Mel Robbins: Yeah. At Harvard Medical School, they studied states of excitement and nervousness. Physiologically speaking, it's the exact same thing in your body. Your body doesn't know the difference between being at a Beyonce concert and talking to your boss about your raise. It's the exact same thing. The thing that screws it up for you is your freaking brain because you get your thoughts involved and you start telling yourself that all this normal stuff in your body is evidence that things are bad or scary, and they're just not. And what they found at Harvard Medical School by dividing people into control groups is that if you coach people in a situation where you're normally nervous or, quote, anxious, to say, I'm excited.

2:17Mel Robbins: I'm excited to go ask for this raise. I'm excited to share this with the audience. I am excited to run this race. Something interesting happens. By simply saying, I'm excited, in control group after control group, whether it was running a track race or it was a debate competition or it was a standardized test, the people who said, I'm excited, in a situation that made them nervous, outperformed the people who just sat with their nerves over and over and over again. Mel Robbins is the host of one of the top-ranked podcasts in the world. Her books on finding motivation and success have sold millions of copies.

2:57Mel Robbins: One of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence. She's written three best-selling books. New York Times best-selling author and host of the Mel Robbins podcast. Life coach and motivational speaker. A dear friend who we are so proud of all you have built and done, Mel. This is an anxiety masterclass, a panic attack masterclass. Turn to your friends if it's happening. Guys, I don't know why this is going on, but I've been having these waves of anxiety. And I'm having one right now. And when you say it out loud, it feels smaller. And people tend to reassure you. I notice that you're getting very emotional.

3:38How come? I am just thinking about how many people listening. And I have so many people in my family this way. that either don't have access to understand these things or maybe haven't yet have some story they're telling themselves about how they're not sure if they should go get help for what's happening or maybe they're hiding it.

4:03Mel Robbins: And live with. And so many of you, I am here to tell you that if you struggle with anxiety, hiding it is the worst thing you could do.

4:26Mel Robbins: I can't believe the garden. I was just telling them the roses. Yes, this rose. Right here.

4:38Mel Robbins: Smell that. Smelling the roses. That is incredible. What a day. Your own sign with stars, with stars. Yes, with stars. Welcome to the Jamie Curran Lima Show. Are you crying? You're crying already.

5:02Before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one-on-one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself, and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life. All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button. I love your support. It's incredible to see your comments and how many of you are sharing these episodes with everyone else. And I'm just so grateful to be here for you. And I'm so excited to go on this journey with you. So thank you for subscribing. It means so much to me.

5:44Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious. And so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love, hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.

6:38Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, Unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness.

7:31Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

8:13Mel Robbins: Welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Oprah, how have you defied the odds? Her show is unlike any I've ever done. A revelation. When you listen, it feels like a hug, but your brain and your spirit and your heart is like, wow. Melinda French Gates. When I look into Jamie's eyes, I feel like I am on some other cosmic level with her. I could see the light around her. She's infused with light. Imagine overcoming self-doubt, learning to believe in yourself and trust yourself and know you are enough. Welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life.

8:59Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima. Mel Robbins says you can change your life and she will show you how. Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called the Mel Robbins Podcast. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She has seven number one audio books on Audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation, and behavior change thanks to her science-backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people who follow her across 194 countries. She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris, and their three kids.

9:53She's also my dear friend, a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person. Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. I know so many people struggle with anxiety and you say that there are six magic words, six magic words to stop anxiety.

10:23Mel Robbins: Yes. So the six words are very simple. What if it all works out? What if it all works out? Now, anxiety presumes that things are about to go wrong.

10:42Mel Robbins: When you use these six magic words, what if it all works out? A couple interesting things happen. First of all, it's a question. What if it all works out? And when you ask yourself a question, your brain stops the spiraling to consider it.

11:08Second, what if it all works out? Because you don't know what's going to happen, it might.

11:19Mel Robbins: I mean, it really might. When you're stuck in an anxiety cycle, your mind is focused on what if it doesn't happen? What if I screw this up? What if I fail? What if this is the worst thing that ever happened? What if this is my one shot? What if that? What if the other thing? And it's that thinking pattern about the worst and bracing for the worst, Jamie. that keeps your alarm of anxiety. That's how I think about anxiety. Anxiety is just an alarm in your body. That's all that it is. It's normal. It has a purpose. And if you don't understand the fact that anxiety is an alarm that has a specific purpose and that it begins in your body and then it kind of triggers certain thinking to scan and look for what's wrong and getting stuck in that, what if it doesn't work out?

12:20Mel Robbins: What if this happens? What if that happens? What if this person doesn't like me? What if they ask her out? When you get into that negative thinking loop, you're screwed. Screwed. And it can become a way of life. It did for me. Like this constant bracing, this hypervigilance, this fear that something bad's about to happen. When you stop that by going, what if it all works out? And your brain considers the question and you really think about it because you're a smart person. What if it works out? I mean, it hasn't happened yet. You don't have a clue. What if it all works out? And when you stop to consider that, you stop the racing thoughts.

12:59Mel Robbins: And now just like with the five second rule, when you stop the racing thoughts by asking yourself the question, what if it all works out? And you consider the possibility that you might actually be okay, that this might be the best decision that you ever made, that maybe, just maybe quitting this job or beginning this relationship or making this change is the best freaking thing that ever happened to you. Your nervous system starts to dial down and you are more empowered to make the right call. What role have panic attacks played in your life? Oh my God. Um, uh, I mean, I, I struggle. I've, I've had such a long history with anxiety, um, that I could probably spend 10 hours teaching and talking about it based on not only lived experience, three children who have had significant periods of life with anxiety, the amount of treatment that I have sought, the amount of research that I have done, the amount of writing that I've done.

14:12Mel Robbins: I think it's important to understand anxiety. And so I want to explain a little. So first of all, let's just call anxiety an alarm. because when you say the word anxiety, it just feels big. You have an alarm in your body that is part of your natural hardwired intelligence. And the alarm in your body is in your nervous system. And it is there for a reason. And the alarm comes online and starts ringing when there is something in your environment or something coming that might be somewhat of a threat. And you know when the alarm is ringing because before your brain even starts thinking thoughts, something is going down in your body.

15:07Mel Robbins: You might feel tingling in your ankles. You might feel your throat getting hot. You might feel your cheeks start to burn. You might feel a little bit of a tingling in your stomach. You might feel your skin start to get a little on edge or your armpits start to sweat. There's all kinds of physical sensations that are associated with that alarm. And this is where it gets very interesting. And this is what most people don't understand. That alarm sounds in situations that are kind of nerve wracking. And it also sounds in situations that are really exciting. So the thing that we call anxiety is the same thing that we call excitement.

15:47Mel Robbins: And I can prove it to you. So if you think about a situation, let's say that, you know, you're driving down the road and you're listening to us and all of a sudden out of nowhere, whoa, a semi-truck. Hate driving next to a semi-truck personally. So I'm going to use this example. Semi-truck kind of veers into your lane. And what do you feel in your body as this thing veers into your lane, Jamie?

16:13Mel Robbins: like fight or flight. Yeah, but what do you feel? Like what's in your body? Like where does it hit you? You're like... Probably... You swerve the car. In my gut really quickly. I'll look fast and see what my options are. Yes. Grab the steering wheel tight. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's the alarm. Now, what's interesting is the second that the semi-truck gets back in its lane and it's no longer a danger, your body settles down. The alarm's gone. Same thing is true with the excitement. So I'm going to take my daughter to see Taylor Swift. The second she's about to walk on stage, you know how I'm going to feel?

16:54Mel Robbins: I'm going to feel like a semi-truck just literally pulled into my lane because my heart's going to race and my stomach's going to be in knots and my armpits are going to sweat and my eyes are going to start focusing because I'm so excited to see her. These are hardwired responses to make you pay attention. That's all that it is. And so many of us first felt this alarm in childhood. Dad comes home from work. You're just sitting on the ground. All of a sudden there's yelling. You don't know what it is. There's the alarm. Danger in the environment. And since we don't understand that this is associated with something that's happening that's outside of us and that when the situation disappears, it can go away, what tends to happen, and this is what happened to me, is that you start to become afraid of the alarm.

17:59so in situations and this is where most people completely get this wrong and i got this wrong

18:07Mel Robbins: i mean when i say i struggle with anxiety jamie i'm talking crippling anxiety i was the kind of kid that in sixth grade when the whole grade goes to summer it goes away for one week we're talking four nights at a camp that's 10 miles from the school in michigan everybody looks forward to this. It's like the most fun week of the all. I dreaded that thing from the moment I stepped into that elementary school. I got myself so worked up into a panic, like in a complete state of alarm the entire time I was there that ultimately I got myself so worked up, Jamie, that the trained adults called my parents and said, we can't handle this.

18:49Mel Robbins: I mean, she's like out of it. And then I was, of course, the second that the threat that I was going to have to spend another night was gone, how did I feel? Great. Great. And you know what I told my friend? That my grandmother had had a heart attack. And so there was a family emergency and I had to, I had to leave. Like no joke. That was, that was the Mel Robbins early edition. This is sixth grade. So if you start to get afraid of your body and your heart racing, here's what happens. You focus on the alarm, you immediately then go, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, something's wrong. Something's wrong.

19:26Mel Robbins: I feel a pit in my stomach. My heart is racing. My armpits are, what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? And now you're up in your head. And once you're up in your head going, what's wrong? I'm screwed. I can't handle this. The thoughts, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if I can't make it through the night? What if I'm lying in my bunk bed and the boogeyman comes and everybody else is, what am I, what am I, what am I, what am I, what am I? The more your thoughts start to race, the worse the body sensations get because you want to know what happens, your own thinking becomes the alarm.

19:56Mel Robbins: That's a panic attack. When you escalate the anxiety situation to a point where it's so scary for your body and so scary for your mind that your survival mechanism kicks in and your brain basically goes, okay, Mel Robbins sixth grader is freaking the hell out. We're going to take over and we're going to get her out of here. This is why when you see somebody having a panic attack, they have to leave the room or they feel like they're having a heart attack. They will do anything to get out of the situation they're in because it has become life or death, even though they're not going to die. They have just escalated the alarm to such an extent that their own brain is like, shut this shit down, get this person out of here, we're going into protection mode.

20:45Mel Robbins: Just like when that semi-truck swerved into your lane and you swerved instinctually, that's what your brain is now doing in a panic attack. And it can get so bad that you can be afraid that it's going to happen and you bring them on. And that's what I was like in law school. So it's important to understand this because if you don't get the chain of events of it starts in the body and then it goes right on up to the brain and the thinking can escalate it. And if you don't know how to deescalate the nervous system state and say, hey, this is temporary. I'm going to breathe through this. Or, hey, you know, it's just a test.

21:29Mel Robbins: The fact that my stomach is a little freaking out doesn't mean I'm going to fail and my life is over. What if it all works out? Take a deep breath, put my hand on my heart, calm myself down. There are simple things that you can do to override that automatic, normal, and needed response so that it doesn't become your default. I was not that person. It became my default. And the other thing that happened to me, Jamie, is not only was like a kid struggling with this because, you know, the traumatic experience at a mom that tended to be a little unpredictable and the hypervigilance that it creates, is that I also was not diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD as a little girl.

22:13Mel Robbins: And girls are profoundly underdiagnosed and they experience ADHD, dyslexia, these sorts of learning style differences and neurodivergent conditions at the same level that boys do. We just have very different symptoms that present that were missed for decades. And if you don't treat the root cause in a kid when they are struggling with either ADHD or any neurodivergent issue. The thing that bubbles to the surface is anxiety. So I don't know whether chronic anxiety for Mel Robbins was due to unresolved traumatic experiences or having a mom that was very emotional at times and I was hypervigilant about it, my job to please her and keep her okay, or whether it was due to ADHD and dyslexia and trying to muscle my brain and myself through the day-to-day in a classroom where I didn't learn the same way everybody else did, or whether it was the fear of feeling anxious and how my thoughts would race and having no understanding what was going on.

23:28Mel Robbins: But I lived with that alarm always on for probably 40 years of my life. Do you still right now feel a panic attack coming on? No. No. No. You don't even start to feel the sensation anymore. Absolutely. Well, I feel the sensations, but I understand them. You understand them. So for example - Will you take us through that process? Yeah, sure. Because there's a lot of people on varying spots of the journey of handling it in their life. Yeah. So let's take a situation that makes every human being on the planet nervous. And I'm going to walk you through the alarm in your body. And I'm going to teach you to understand what's happening.

24:14Mel Robbins: Okay. So a situation that makes every human being quote, nervous or excited, it's going to trigger that alarm because what I'm teaching you is the alarm doesn't mean something's wrong. The alarm means that something's happening and it requires your attention and your focus. So your body is going to try to help you focus so that you can make faster decisions and you can pay attention, okay? Whether it's a situation where you're nervous or a situation where you're excited. And so let's just take the example of you have to give a presentation. This might mean that you are in high school and you have to give the report to the class on a project that you were assigned to.

24:58Mel Robbins: This might mean that you are having to present some financials at work. Might just be a meeting or presentation to your boss. This might mean that it is a pitch that you are going to give to somebody about the new business that you're trying to launch and you're trying to sell people these skincare products that you like, right? And so you're going to just meet with a friend and tell them about this new business that you're doing. Presentation. Or it could mean what Jamie and I do. We literally are backstage in an arena and we're about to walk on a stage and speak in front of people we have never met for an hour.

25:45Mel Robbins: In every one of those situations, in order to do your best, standing in front of your high school classroom or giving a presentation to your boss or to a friend about your new business or to walk up to a podium and give a speech or to give a toast at a wedding, what do you feel? Nervous. Of course. That's the alarm in your body. Why is the alarm coming on? I'll tell you why. because you care about what you're about to do and you wanna do a good job and your body knows it. And so your body is trying to get everything in a state where your brain can focus, where you can make fast decisions and where you pay hyper attention, okay?

26:28Mel Robbins: So here's what happens in your body as you're backstage or you're about to walk into your boss's office or you're walking up to the front of that classroom or you're thinking about it, right? Because it's going to happen. First of all, in that situation, your body needs your brain and it needs your heart. And so it is going to pull everything, Jamie, to your brain and your heart because it wants you to be able to swerve the car if you have to. It wants you to be able to hyper-focus so that you can do your best with your boss, which means all of the blood and the chemistry is moving to your heart and your brain, it's leaving your digestive track because you don't need to be digesting food right now while you're in front of your classroom.

27:16Mel Robbins: You need to be on your best. You need to be hyper aware. And here's where everybody doesn't understand the science. You know those butterflies that you're getting? It's not because you're freaking nervous. It's because your body's trying to help you. It's taking the blood from your digestive track to your brain and to your heart so you can focus. And Mel Robbins, dumbass, did not know this until I was 50 years old. I thought the butterflies meant I'm about to screw up. And so the butterflies mean the chemistry is changing in your body. The reason why you have to pee is because your body's going, oh, I'm not going to, if I really need to do the right thing, I better not have a full bladder.

27:57Mel Robbins: That's why you always have to pee or go number two before you give a speech, because your body's trying to get rid of the extra stuff so it can send everything to your brain and your heart so you can do a good job. It doesn't mean you're gonna screw up, but we all think it is. And if you know this, you can be backstage like, oh, there it is. Mel's right, I gotta pee, that's funny. Thank you, you're helping me. Oh, my heart's pumping, thank you. You're like helping me get my adrenaline flowing so that I can actually perform it. Thank you very much. That doesn't mean I'm nervous, it means I'm excited about this.

28:27Mel Robbins: And so when you understand that and then you start to go, oh, well, if my thoughts are kind of racing because all of this adrenaline is pumping through my body because the alarm's coming online, then great. Thank you. I'm really excited. And what if this all works out? And the reason why this is so important, Jamie, is because if you let your thoughts go crazy, and if you pace around backstage at an event, or you see the fact that you have to go the bathroom so badly right before you're about to talk to your boss as a sign that it's going to be horribly wrong, it will go horribly wrong because you're letting the natural state of your body hijack you.

29:14Mel Robbins: And there is fabulous research from Harvard Medical School that I'm going to teach you right now using the five second rule, where if you are in a situation where you feel that like, come on, butterflies in your stomach, armpits are sweating, throat is tight. All you're going to do is this. You're just going to go, oh, I'm really excited. I'm really excited to give this presentation, even though I'm scared, jealous. I'm really excited I'm going to talk to my boss. I'm really excited that I'm going to give this speech. Why? Well, at Harvard Medical school. They studied states of excitement and nervousness.

29:52Mel Robbins: Physiologically speaking, it's the exact same thing in your body. There's so much more coming up in this episode. You are not going to want to miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back.

30:41Build unshakable self-love. Unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy.

31:33Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one-on-one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl.

32:26Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. And now more of this incredible conversation together.

32:36Mel Robbins: Your body doesn't know the difference between being at a Beyonce concert and talking to your boss about your race. It's the exact same thing. The thing that screws it up for you is your freaking brain. because you get your thoughts involved and you start telling yourself that all this normal stuff in your body is evidence that things are bad or scary and they're just not. And what they found at Harvard Medical School by dividing people into control groups is that if you coach people in a situation where you're normally nervous or quote anxious to say, I'm excited, I'm excited to go ask for this raise.

33:21Mel Robbins: I'm excited to share this with the audience, I am excited to run this race, something interesting happens. By simply saying I'm excited, in control group after control group, whether it was running a track race or it was a debate competition or it was a standardized test, the people who said I'm excited in a situation that made them nervous outperformed the people who just sat with their nerves over and over and over again. And there's a reason physiologically speaking why. Because if you get all jacked up in your mind, oh my God, I'm nervous. I'm gonna screw this up. I'm such, I never should have.

33:59Mel Robbins: And then you can see that everything starts to ramp itself up because you're now sounding the alarm. You're also pumping cortisol up into your brain. And there's tons of research about the fact that when your nervous system starts to get crazy because you're making it crazy, and when cortisol floods your brain, it impairs the functioning of your prefrontal cortex. This is research from UCLA, Dr. Judith Willis, that in order to be able to tap into your preparation, to be able to speak in complete sentences to your boss, you gotta make sure your brain is working. And by getting yourself all worked up about it going wrong and not understanding the chemistry of your body, you are sabotaging your own brain's ability to tap into all of the things that you prepared and use them in this moment.

34:50This is why people forget what they were going to say

34:52Mel Robbins: when they get on stage. So for someone who maybe there's no reason, they're not getting ready to do a presentation, they're just hanging out and all of a sudden they feel, their body starts to feel like a panic attack is coming on. Does this apply in that moment when there's nothing happening? do they then tell themselves, I'm excited? It's a great question, Jamie. And that was me. That was me. I lived with that. They call that anticipatory anxiety. That you start to get these alarms going off. So you're standing in your kitchen making a cup of coffee or you're sitting with friends at lunch and all of a sudden it feels like a semi-truck has just pulled into your lane.

35:40Mel Robbins: And it's terrifying. and when it starts to happen, I don't want to diminish how scary that is because it happened to me for literally decades and I didn't know what I'm telling you. And so the first thing I want to tell you is this is temporary. You absolutely can do something about this and it is very scary and overwhelming when it's happening to you. So the first thing that I would recommend is I would 1000 % get yourself to a medical professional, a therapist, a counselor, somebody to help you validate and understand the experience and the deeper reasons why this might be happening and the reasons why it might trigger you.

36:31Mel Robbins: The second thing that I want you to do, because the scariest part about that moment is your fear of it and your fear of it makes it worse. And so if you can basically play a game with yourself where you meet yourself where you are and you say, okay, for whatever reason this is happening, I know that I'm not going to get stuck in this. I'm just scared of it. But what you can do is you can start to say to yourself, there, when it happens the next time, there are things I can do to help myself ride the wave that rises and falls. So a number of things that you can do is you can say out loud what's happening.

37:20Mel Robbins: So turn to your friends if it's happening. Guys, I don't know why this is going on, but I've been having these waves of anxiety and I'm having one right now. And when you say it out loud, it feels smaller and people tend to reassure you. The other thing that you can do is you can close your eyes. You can put your hand on your chest. You can apply pressure kind of right in the center of your chest. You can take a deep breath.

37:51Mel Robbins: And then just say, I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved.

38:01Mel Robbins: and when you're using this technique you're trying to tone what's called the vagus nerve which is this sort of on off switch that runs from your seat to the top of your head and acts like a kind of like a switch between your fight or flight nervous system and your calm confident nervous system and the other thing that you can do is literally just say to yourself i'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. Those are things to do in the moment. If you're having this happen all the time, I would honestly re-listen to this over and over and over again so that you really understand what I'm trying to teach you about the connection between the body and the alarm and your thinking.

38:47Mel Robbins: Telling yourself it's temporary, telling yourself this is going to pass, telling yourself that you're stronger than this feeling right now, that will 1000 % help. And the final thing that I think is really important for you to understand is I noticed that you're getting very emotional. How come? I am just thinking about how many people listening and I have so many people in my family this way that either don't have access to understand these things or maybe haven't yet have some story they're telling themselves about how they're not sure if they should go get help for what's happening or maybe they're hiding it.

39:35And I think I'm imagining because you're going so deep and you're also going granular, but we're also taking it to that very sort of like infancy moment of when this starts. Yeah. And I know that so many people have this experience in their life.

39:54Mel Robbins: Yeah. But they don't know what to do about it. And maybe they don't know what it is for sure or they do and they're hiding it. And I think hearing you share this in so many different applications of how it shows up in your life, how you have gone through it and just even what to do about it, right? When you start to feel it. Yeah. And I've also made all the mistakes, Jamie. I mean, let's be honest. Like I, I think about our three kids. There are periods in two of our kids' lives where they slept on the floor of our bedroom for months because they were too scared to sleep alone in their room because of anxiety.

40:38Mel Robbins: There are so many things that I missed out on because I allowed anxiety and the shame that I felt and how much I feared it because I didn't understand it. Yes. To keep me on the sidelines of my life and trapped in a version of myself that I hated. Because you tend to turn the, you aim it all back at yourself. And a lot of my message is about being able to look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that you no longer want to deal with and live with. And so many of you, I am here to tell you that if you struggle with anxiety, hiding it is the worst thing you could do. And it is not a disease.

41:31Mel Robbins: It is a coping mechanism that has spiraled out of control and become a default. And there are medications that can help you climb out of the hole. Like one thing that I would say for me personally is when I was having cascading panic attacks, I was a second year law student and I went to see this psychiatrist because I literally, Jamie, felt this feeling. The anxiety was so bad that I would wake up every morning and I would stare at the ceiling and I would be in a full body panic attack. And I was so what's called disassociated from myself, which means you can feel your body, but I would have this experience of being up above myself.

42:22Mel Robbins: Like I would have left my body, like not even attached. So I'm experiencing this huge weight and panic and dread and all this like racing heart and, and I'm up above it. I don't understand it. I'm scared to death. I would wake up and literally be like, oh my God, it's here again. And the first decision I would make would be to light a cigarette. And then I would race around my apartment and get dressed. And then I would drive to law school, panic stricken, that the closer I got to the campus, the more those butterflies turned into pterodactyls because I was about to walk into a classroom where I was not prepared.

43:05Mel Robbins: And my breakfast was a gigantic, like cup of coffee from Dunkin' Donuts this big. So I'm now hammering nicotine and caffeine into my body. Why? Because I don't understand this. I don't understand that what you eat can help, that whether or not you're exercising can help. taking care of yourself by prioritizing actually studying instead of just drinking at night because you're trying to quiet things. Like all these things play a role, which is good because it means if you start to understand that this is just something that is normal, that started to spiral out of control, and you can find your way back to yourself, but you have to decide you want to.

43:53Mel Robbins: And so I went to see this psychiatrist and one of the funniest things happens because he diagnoses me with a panic disorder And meaning that everything was misfiring. That's all that it means like you know when you have like a you walk into a room and the the lights are blinking Here's what we know when the lights are blinking somewhere behind the walls. There's a kink in the wires That somebody needs to smooth out and the same is true with a panic disorder or anxiety that somewhere in your body in your nervous system there's a little kink in the wire it's not permanent but that's why things feel like they're blinking and there are things that you can do whether it's putting your hand on your heart that just for a minute smooth that out not hammering caffeine and nicotine and alcohol helps smooth it out for a long time i didn't know do you know what the number one symptom of a hangover is anxiety.

44:50Mel Robbins: A lot of us drink at night because we want to quiet the anxiety and then we wake up and the anxiety is worse. Why? Because while you are processing the alcohol in your freaking body, the drop and the change in the chemical structure in your brain freaking creates anxiety. And then we don't know that. So we're like caught in this loop and you're like, why would I stop drinking? It's the only reason why I don't feel anxious. But then I wake up and I feel more anxious. So I'm in this loop. So I'm sharing all of this because I was stuck in all of this too. But the big message here is you're not alone.

45:23Mel Robbins: It is temporary. You absolutely can make this better and it can get better way faster than you think because it spiraled out of control way faster than you think. So we can get you in an upward spiral way faster than you think. but none of this changes without doing something. And the other final piece that I want to share about this is that,

46:00Mel Robbins: and I think this is really important because it'll be very validating.

46:08I wouldn't be surprised if you told me, and yes, I'm talking to you listening or watching,

46:17Mel Robbins: that your anxiety has gotten way worse in the last couple of years. And I'm going to tell you why it did. The reason why it's gotten way worse is because we collectively on a global level lived through an unprecedented amount of change involving the pandemic and volatile political issues and wars and social justice and all kinds of stuff. and we are not designed as human beings to sustain that level of uncertainty and constant change. And when, if you will just do me a favor and think back to the moment when you're like, oh, oh man, like we're in lockdown. Like those phases where bringing groceries in or leaving them outside and like we had no idea what the heck was going to happen and the streets were, like we want to put that in the rear view mirror, I want to tell you something, your body hasn't.

47:21Mel Robbins: Remember that moment at work where all of a sudden you were on Zoom calls from seven o 'clock in the morning till 11 o 'clock at night? Most people have not stopped that yet. Most companies had an alarm response to all the change because they needed to. So did you. Nobody has taken a conscious step since then. to flip that alarm off. What I'm trying to tell you is there would be something wrong with you if the lights weren't blinking inside you right now. Because it is impossible for any human being on this planet to experience what we've all experienced without having the wiring in your body go, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

48:06And it happened.

48:09Mel Robbins: It's real. And you need to do something about it. And what you need to do about it is A, look in the mirror, recognize that you have just gone through a situation where you needed to be on edge. You needed to live kind of in a state of alarm. And next you need to say, I don't want to live like that anymore. And now what there is to do is it's called nervous system regulation, which means getting serious about calming your body down. And there's a bazillion ways you can do that. Taking a 10 minute walk outside without headphones in, without your social media on, that can help you calm your body down.

48:54Mel Robbins: Meditating in the morning, help you calm your body down. Jumping in a cold plunge, or for most people, since you don't have access to that, jumping in a river or finishing your shower with cold water. And the reason why that matters is because when you are in a yummy, awesome shower, right? And you crank that dial from hot to cold, what happens in your body? Your body sounds the alarm. They're like, what the hell are you doing? This sucks. I don't want to be in this. Your nervous system's like, move woman, let's go, this blows. And by standing in the shower for 30 seconds and breathing through that and getting to a point where your nervous system and the alarm can come on, but you're like, not today.

49:42Mel Robbins: I'm just going to stand here and tell you people calm your jets down because I'm not going to let that part of me, that on edge part of me run today. I am going to win this battle. And the second you feel yourself go from like, ah, to calm, you now just shut your nervous system off. Not off, but you flipped off the fight or flight and you stepped into calm. And that's how you can do it. Woo. This is an anxiety masterclass, a panic attack masterclass. I love what you said and I just want to reiterate it. If this resonates for you listening or watching us, go back and rewatch it over and over and over and share it.

50:31Share it with someone who needs to hear this. You can change someone's life today by doing this. You have one more thing to add about this.

50:38Mel Robbins: I have something so important. This is the biggest mistake I made. Yes. Biggest mistake I made with anxiety. I 1000 % am responsible for making my children's anxiety worse because I wanted to get rid of it for them. And the research about this is very, very, very clear that when you have somebody in your life who is anxious and you allow the anxiety to win. So they come to you, it's the middle of the night, they're scared to death, they don't want to be in their rooms. Every time you let them in your bed, or in my case, I let them sleep on the floor for months and months and months, you know, a little sleeping bag, little bed.

51:30Mel Robbins: We just started making the bed. The message you are sending to them is the anxiety is real and you can't handle it. Instead, you have to support them in feeling the discomfort and letting it rise and fall. So you walk them back up to their room and you say, I know that this is really difficult, But you know what? This feeling's temporary. And I'm going to sit right outside and I'm going to wait for you to fall asleep, but you can do this. You're stronger than this. And what you're doing when you send that message and you give them that level of support is you are letting them learn how to face the difficult things in their life and see themselves getting through it.

52:30Mel Robbins: And I made it so much worse because when anxiety would rise up, I would literally let my kids up out. And in doing so, the anxiety becomes the reaction to anything that is scary. And every time you opt out of life because you feel nervous or anxious, that becomes your default. And this is the opportunity that you have with yourself. That when it rises up, try not to opt out. Try to lean in. Try to say, oh, interesting, here's that alarm. I actually know what this is. I know that this is going to pass. I know if I just stay calm and I keep saying, what if it works out? What if this does pass? What if I can get better?

53:23Mel Robbins: What if I don't have to live like this? And slowly but surely, because your own thoughts are stabilizing your state, your nervous system will take the cue.

53:35Mel Robbins, I love you. I am grateful for our friendship.

53:41Mel Robbins: I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you. I love you. Thank you. I have one more thing to share with you. But before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it. Share it with another person in your life who can benefit from it. Post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't be more true.

54:27You right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. And it is an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Here, I hope you'll come as you are. Heal where you need. Blossom what you choose. Journey toward your calling and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are worthy. You are loved. You are love. And I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams.

55:13You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life for You. If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self-love, unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt, and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them, and so much more.

56:07Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful.

56:59And when you learn to take control over your self-talk, it's life-changing. And I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your life. It's called Five Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk and Build Self-Love. And it's a free how-to guide to overcome that negative self-talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self-love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self-sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life when filled with self-love, resilience, and unwavering belief.

57:43If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence, and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com slash resources, or click the link in the show notes below. It's such an honor to share this podcast together with you. And please note, I'm not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.