1049: Friend Was a Creeper But You're Not His Keeper | Feedback Friday

22:08You can imagine what impression that would leave you with. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. It might make people wonder if their loved one is even in the right place, if they're surrounded by the best people. Part of my vision here is to create a workplace that is supportive, respectful, managed to regulation. It's okay to have a rough day. It's not okay to take that out on a colleague and definitely not in front of our patients. So next time that happens, I expect you to try things a different way and I know will be great. Look, that's an example. If you approach things like that, you're going to be elevating these disciplinary chats or these quote unquote petty conversations into something much more meaningful and effective.

22:41You know, it's a really good point because really they're not petty. If a nurse is openly complaining about another employee or if a nurse is, I don't know, being sloppy with a patient's chart or whatever it is, these small things represent big things. They represent values, standards, a whole way of working. Your job as a leader is to constantly move between the small and the big, right? To find the meaning in the details. And apparently to inspire staff to lead with those values too. So if you can do that, I have a feeling that over time you'll have to discipline your staff less and less because hopefully they will start leading themselves.

23:14And that is actually the best version of leadership. And by the way, this is also how you're going to get to that part of the job that does bring you joy faster, which I assume is creating a high-functioning workplace, freeing up your time to focus on the fulfilling stuff, focusing on patience, stuff like that. But I also don't know if you need to wait to start doing those parts of the job you love. You might also need to get a little more disciplined about your time. Make sure you're not getting lost in the weeds of the disciplinary stuff. Maybe block out an hour or two every morning or every evening to do strategic stuff to think about the future.

23:43Maybe you limit your sheriff time to a couple hours a day and you just get to the heart of the matter really quickly. Maybe you delegate some of that stuff more. I don't know. Also, I know she's saying that the sheriff stuff is draining and she really wants to get to the joyful leadership stuff. But I also wonder if maybe the sheriff stuff is on some level tempting for her. Maybe she shines there, even if she really resents having to do it. It might be easier to wrap her head around and the strategic, you know, leadership forward thinking stuff is more daunting. So on some level, is she maybe gravitating to the more rote procedural disciplinary stuff because she has some resistance around the higher value stuff?

24:19Just something to consider. Yeah, I could see that. It's like when you spend three hours doing your expenses, even though you're not filing taxes for the next six months instead of finishing the big deck that you need to hand in tomorrow. Voice of experience over here. Which again, being disciplined, being thoughtful, leaning into the resistance, those are big parts of being a leader too. How and where you spend your time is just, it's everything. As for not getting bogged down by this stuff, not internalizing the negativity, that's where your internal boundaries are gonna be super important. There's always gonna be negative stuff to deal with that work.

24:48Part of your job is not letting it infect you too much. So now it's okay to take a step back when you need to, delegate wherever possible, go home and leave things at work. But most importantly, keep your eye on the bigger picture here. And remember that every step, no matter how small, is progress toward your vision. They're two sides of the same coin. Keep up the great work, sounds like you're crushing it, and I know that you're gonna make a real impact on this place. Oh, by the way, I have a book recommendation for you. The book is called It's Your Ship by Captain Michael Abershoff, and he was amazing.

25:17That's episode 231. It's a management book, but it's about, and I'm going off memory here, but it's about He got onto this boat that was managed by just this egotistical, horrible guy, and the place was totally dysfunctional in the Navy. It was just a total crappy situation. And this guy goes in there and radically changes the management style to the point where I think they were voted, like, they won, you know, top ship, whatever it is, in the Navy, like, two years in a row. And they used to be the worst. So it was just a massive 180. And it sounds like that's kind of what you're doing in your organization.

25:49So definitely check out episode 231, and then maybe that book. Grab that book afterwards. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in your mailbox, your bosses don't want to listen to your killer ideas, or you want to know how to best support your friend who snapped and murdered his boss years ago, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter, We Bit Wiser.

26:19It is a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you, delivered right to your inbox every week. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our thousand plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. Okay, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my wife and I have been married for just over a year and a half now, and while we have a healthy relationship, our relations with her side of the family have proven to be rather difficult. Dahlia, the second oldest sister, left their home with her then-boyfriend before I was in the picture.

26:51It was dramatic, and there were possible violent threats by the boyfriend towards her family. Dahlia has since married him, despite the fact that he got kicked out of the military, has lost multiple jobs, and seems to be freeloading off of her. We also think there might be some emotional or physical abuse going on, but we have trouble finding proof because Dahlia tries her best to hide things involving her husband. I can't help but think that sometimes I'm enabling her and her husband when they find themselves in a spot of trouble. Emily, the second youngest sister, married her high school sweetheart after they graduated.

27:23Things were going well until about two years ago when my wife's youngest sister, Abby, told her mom that Emily's husband had sexually assaulted her when she was 18. Wow. Oh my God. Just when I thought the dumpster fires were out. I mean, this is Feedback Friday. Yeah. Better get that hose out, Papa. Yeah. Now I hear that does sound creepy. Yeah, that does sound creepy. My bad. Now we're both in trouble. Emily's husband admitted to my father-in-law what he had done when it all came out, but then quickly walked everything back, and to this day, denies it ever happened. Abby's trauma has made it difficult for her to talk about the incident, and she refuses to seek therapy because it's quote-unquote too hard to relive.

28:06Ugh, that is so sad. Now we're lucky if Emily's husband even talks to us, and everyone's relationship with both him and Emily has grown distant. I mean, call me crazy, but not being super close with the rapist in the family or the sexual predator, whatever the details were. I mean, not a huge loss, in my opinion. But losing Emily as a result, I mean, yeah, that's definitely sad. Two sisters here are pulling away from the family, largely to protect their husbands. Just an interesting theme. Pulling away or maybe being pulled away? Hard to say. Yeah, who knows what's happening behind the scenes.

28:36So the letter goes on. To make matters worse, Emily and her husband are the only ones in the family with kids. So lots of the family are missing the early years of our nephew's lives, and that hurts us the most. All of this has made it challenging for me to come into the family. Since both guys set a low standard for men in the family when my wife and I started dating, I feel like I started in the negative with my in-laws. Now that we're married, that sentiment has worn off to a certain extent. I've been able to show that I'm different from the other two guys. But some persists. Okay, I mean, why these parents are going, let's see what shenanigans this guy pulls, as opposed to, hmm, I wonder why we raised two daughters who chose abusive men.

29:13It's a little hard for me to wrap my head around, but I hear you. The deck is stacked against you. I grew up in a family where strong bonds between family members were important, and it feels like I'm walking in a minefield or playing politics. How do we wade through all the drama? Is there a way for us to help in mending relationships in the family? Or is it better to just keep our distance until we're required to participate? Signed, asking for a chance when my in-laws look askance. and trying to tap dance around this unfortunate circumstance that developed far in advance. Oh man, what a family to walk into.

29:48This is super intense stuff and very, very sad. Obviously, my heart goes out to Abby the most here. To be sexually assaulted by your own brother-in-law, that is just awful. The fact that this dude admitted to it, then walked it back and now denies it ever happened. Look, we don't have all the facts, but that sounds dodgy as hell. It sounds like he did it and then just didn't want to deal with the fallout. So this has obviously left Emily very shaken. She can't even talk about it. It caused a lot of tension in this family. I mean, that's awful. I'm also worried about Dahlia, of course, the fact that she might be experiencing abuse and that she's working so hard to hide things, which is pretty textbook.

30:22It just makes me super sad. It really makes me wonder what happened to Dahlia growing up. Well, exactly. Why did she choose this guy? Why is she staying with him? What kind of childhood did she have? Look, let me put it this way. If I smacked Jen across the face, she would leave me immediately because that's just not part of the pattern. But I feel like if you grow up with it, you start making excuses for it and stuff. So something happened here. And that's kind of why I'm angry with these in-laws for narrowing their eyes at our friend here. It's like you raised these women. They chose these husbands.

30:49Why are you making the one normal loving dude in the family feel unwelcome? Yeah, you should be celebrating this guy if he's so different. Truly. But they probably don't want to ask themselves that question. So they're projecting. Yeah, they might be projecting or they might just be assuming that he's going to be like every other guy who's walked through their front door, sat at the table with them. Anyway, I know that you want to do the right thing for your wife and her family. It's clear you care deeply about these sisters. That's really sweet. But you're also dealing with abuse, assault, strained relationships, trauma, a lot of unspoken stuff that frankly has nothing to do with you.

31:20So look, all of this is really complicated, but my take on your questions is pretty simple. I think you need to take a step back, realize how much of this has nothing to do with you, and accept the limit of your influence here. You love your wife. I'm sure you love her family too, but you can't change the fact you can't make Dahlia's husband not an abusive deadbeat. You can't change what Emily's husband almost certainly did to Abby. You can't make Emily stand up to him and confront him. You can't make your wife's parents see you differently, not overnight anyway. Now, you and your wife can be supportive.

31:49You can offer your help where appropriate for sure, but if things are going to change, both for these sisters individually and for the family as a whole, they're going to need to confront some difficult things themselves. If Dahlia comes to you guys for help, you can offer advice, resources, a plan to leave her marriage safely. If Abby talks to you about the assault or how she's feeling, you can make it safe for her to talk to a therapist, to seek out a support group, to take care of herself however she needs. If Emily's like, I don't know what to do about Mike, I'm so sorry, I miss you. Yes, obviously you welcome her back in.

32:16You help her work through what her husband did, decide whether she wants to stay with him, but they have to want to do those things. Also, these are your wife's sisters. She has more of a connection with them. The best thing you can do is keep showing up as a loving, caring, steady brother-in-law. I think your in-laws will continue to see that you're very different from these guys. You don't need to work too hard to convince them of that. Sure, be thoughtful, make an effort to connect with your wife's parents, take her mom to lunch every once in a while, FaceTime with her dad, whatever it is. But I wouldn't launch a whole PR campaign.

32:43In fact, I'd kind of do the opposite. Just be yourself, focus on your wife, trust that their opinion will evolve as they see you doing your thing. It might also be worth asking yourself whether you need them to see you a certain way. Yeah, fair point. Obviously, it would be wonderful if they didn't assume the worst about this guy. It's awesome to get on with your in-laws, but like, I don't know, does he need their approval? And if he does, why? Is there something about these parents, these potentially quite flawed parents, not giving him that approval that activates something in him? If he doesn't make any progress with them, I think he either needs to release the expectation that they're going to be big fans of his and or he needs to figure out why their skepticism is so distressing to him.

33:22Agreed. Look, he's already doing the most important thing, which is being a solid, thoughtful guy. If they can't see that, if they want to assume he's going to be as bad as Dahlia's abusive husband or Emily's predator partner, that's on them. So basically, I don't know if you need to wade through all the drama as much as stay out of it. And yes, it would be amazing if you could help mend the relationships in this family, but that sounds like a Dahlia, Emily, Abby kind of job and also a Dahlia's husband hitting the road or getting thrown in jail kind of job. If this were me, I'd just keep my distance until you're required to participate or until you have enough trust and rapport built up with these people to insert yourself a little more.

33:56But honestly, the person I would focus on the most is Abby. She's the true victim here. I'm so sad and angry for her. I know it's awkward and hurtful, but man, this is a family that clearly does not know how to deal with some very dark stuff. And that's tragic, but it's their tragedy. You and your wife can build your own world. And that is the most important thing. Sending you, your wife, and her sisters a huge hug. Good luck. And if being the least rapey son-in-law in the family doesn't work, try gifting your in-laws some of the amazing products and services that support this show. We'll be right back.

34:28If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support the sponsors that support the show. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support this podcast are all in one searchable, clickable place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. If you need a code, you can't find a code, you're not sure if the code works, email me, jordan at jordanharbinger.com. I'm happy to dig that up for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday.

34:58All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. Five years ago, while working at a hospital as a resident, I met someone at work. We got together, she initiated everything, and I went along with it because she was beautiful, smart, witty, and feisty. She also had a child who was three at the time, and I absolutely loved her too. Then our religious differences became an issue. I'm Jewish and was more observant, and she was Catholic. Things like me keeping kosher and the Sabbath got in the way, even though I told her about them early on. The one thing I didn't tell her up front, because I didn't know how to bring it up, was that I was a virgin and trying to save myself for marriage.

35:38Eventually, these differences came to a head, and she broke up with me. It was awful. We spent two years apart, during which time I got a new job, not because of the situation with her. During our hiatus, she'd initiate mostly platonic conversations, and I made it very clear that I still had feelings for her. She told me she had moved on, and I found out she was dating somebody pretty much as soon as we broke up. They dated for two years, and then he started ignoring her out of the blue. She confided in me, and then we started talking more regularly. Eventually, I came back to my former place of employment.

36:12Fast forward several months, and we started going out again. Things are a lot better between us, mostly because I've compromised on a lot of my practices and my religion. I do not like the way that makes me feel, but I also want her in my life. Sometimes affection is a little bit difficult to get from her, and I told her that I don't like that. Then, for a couple of weeks, I felt that something was off. I did something I probably shouldn't have, and I saw on her phone that she was texting her ex. Although she did tell him that she was seeing someone, he was essentially begging her to talk things out, and she said, maybe, but I can't hurt the guy I'm with now the way you hurt me.

36:49She also sometimes says I miss you to him, and once told him, I'll never like him like I loved you. That's painful data, but important data. Ah, that hurts, man. I don't want to be a control freak, but what am I supposed to do with all this information? Can I confront her about it? Or should I just pretend nothing's wrong? Signed, ignore what I've seen to keep things clean, or act on what I've gleaned from my girlfriend's screen. Dude, my stomach literally hurts hearing this secondhand. I can only imagine how you felt reading that. What a gut punch. I don't even know you, and I'm having a physical reaction in the pit of my stomach to this.

37:27Oh my god, I'm so sorry. So you and this woman have been on a very interesting journey here. Something is clearly drawing you to each other, and some things are also obstacles to staying connected. So it's interesting. I'm getting a mixed picture here. On one hand, she's secretly texting her ex. She's saying, I miss you. She's saying, I'll never like him like I loved you. This is worrisome. It doesn't bode well for you guys. On the other hand, she's not immediately running back to him. She's saying she won't hurt you the way he hurt her. So she's not being completely disrespectful or callous towards you.

37:58And there might be a world where you guys work through this stuff. So I hear you that you don't want to be controlling, but I think this is crucial information to confront, accept, and then decide what to do with. You no longer have the luxury, so to speak, of ignoring your intuition. You can't bury your head in the sand anymore. You can't tell a story about how the relationship is going well. What I'm hearing is a woman who is torn between two people, who has some conflicts around her relationship, who knows, maybe around intimacy in general, as many of us do, and also a woman who might not have the courage or clarity to say to this guy, hey, I'm sorry, I'm with someone right now, I can't engage with you.

38:32Or to turn and say to you, I'm sorry, but I'm not clear about what I want, so I'm not sure we should stay together. So my questions for you are, what kind of relationship do you want to be in? How do you want to feel in your relationship? How do you want the other person to treat you? How do you want to talk through difficult feelings like this? How would you want your partner to place other men in her life? I think you already know the answers deep down, but you probably need to sit with them on your own and get really clear with yourself. If you answer those honestly, I promise you'll know what to do.

39:02Completely agree, Jordan. I'm hearing all of that in this letter too. I'm also hearing a theme of hiding parts of himself and often ignoring his needs and his values to keep this relationship afloat. Yes, for sure. That's part of the problem. On their first go around, he said that there was a big thing he didn't tell her because he didn't know how to bring it up, that he was saving himself for marriage, right? Right. Pretty huge thing to hide from your partner. And of course, those differences and other ones came to a head and she broke up with him. And I can understand why they might be incompatible in certain key ways.

39:33But his hiding certain things to spare himself some discomfort and also to avoid driving her away, that obviously made it harder to bridge that gap. Right. It might be more the way they communicate or don't communicate as opposed to the differences between them. Always. I mean, it certainly doesn't help. And then he said that things are a lot better between them this second time around, mostly because he's compromised on a lot of practices in his religion, right? Which he's free to change his views if that's what he wants. But the interesting thing about that line was, as he put it, I do not like the way that makes me feel, but I also want her in my life.

40:07Right. He's not going, my values or beliefs have evolved, so there's less friction between us, or I've opened up and she's opened up and we've met halfway, so things are easier now. He's going, I've let go of something that was very important to me and it does not make me feel good, but I'm doing it so that I don't lose her. Exactly. I mean, he's really contorting himself to stay connected to her, but in the process, he's losing himself. That is the real problem here. Yeah, that's right. And so the question then becomes, why are you losing yourself in order to hang on to this person? And what would it look like for you to be involved with this person while still staying connected to the aspects of you that are so important?

40:43Well, I'd imagine that's scary to him, right? Because he knows that she might not like that or it might put additional strain on their already fragile relationship. So he's walking on eggshells, this guy. She might not like it. Okay. Then she's not for you. Or you guys have to work through that. But he also doesn't know that she wouldn't like that because he hasn't really tried. Well, except that he kind of does because that was part of what caused friction between them the first time around, right? Well, okay. Good point. So maybe he's just willfully ignoring a real problem between them and hoping he can compromise to make it go away.

41:16Yes, but I have a feeling that he's compromised on a lot of things just as a matter of being in a relationship He's hit parts of himself from the beginning So he doesn't truly know how she would react to him saying look, this is who I am I believe in these things these other things matter to me and I like you I care about you Good point That also makes me realize how stressful this relationship must be for him man Yeah, because he's molded himself into a person. He thinks she can live with right So I imagine he feels pretty misunderstood and inauthentic and anxious a lot of the time because now he needs to keep being that guy or he risks losing whatever connection they do have.

41:52And he knows that that connection is already on thin ice because he saw her texts. And that's the price you pay for cutting off parts of yourself to please another person, to preserve a connection that might not be right. But what's the quality of that connection if you're not being yourself? So he might be correctly intuiting her wants, or he might be assuming the worst when he imagines being himself. But either way, it's not working because here she is texting her ex and saying she misses him. So it's up to you to decide whether to confront her or to not share that information that you saw on the phone and just try to address the underlying issues in your relationship.

42:27I think there are some good reasons to do both. But the most important thing for you, in my view, is to first of all, really consider whether you and this woman are truly compatible in the ways that matter, which is different from desiring her, appreciating her, having fun with her, all of that stuff. And second, show up to this conversation about your relationship very honestly and bring as much of yourself to it as possible, which means sharing your feelings right now, your beliefs, your questions about the relationship, all of it. That might be quite scary and exposing. This is going to be new for you, but it'll also be very enlivening.

43:02And I'm just, I can tell you right now, it's going to be a massive relief. Even if this conversation is very tough, even if it ultimately means that you guys break up, it'll be because you're saying, hey, this is who I am. This is how I truly feel. Who are you? What matters to you? How do you truly feel? You can't make the right decision about whether to stay together until you do that. Completely agree, Gabe. The answer is definitely not to pretend nothing's wrong and just keep chugging along. Although the fact that that's an option for you, I feel like that's part of the problem. That's one more way that you're compromising, which is now compromising you.

43:35This kind of honesty is going to have to be a practice for you, and this conversation might be the first big step toward a whole new way of meeting people in your life. Look, it's very possible that you two should not be in a romantic relationship because you're just too different culturally or because your feelings don't align. It's also possible you could both grow and start relating to each other in a way, a way that allows you to be your true selves that makes room for your conflicts and differences and see how that relationship evolves. But I'm gonna be honest, my gut is telling me you shouldn't be together.

44:03Not right now, anyway. I think you need to take some space and come back to yourself and look at these parts of you that you tend to hide or cut off for the benefit of other people. I think your girlfriend needs to sort out her feelings about you and this other guy and make sure she's in the right relationship, both for her own sake and for her daughter's sake. So go have this chat, my friend. This is all coming to a head for a good reason. And good luck. All right. My recommendation of the week this week is a show called Love on the Spectrum. Love on the Spectrum is a docu-series on Netflix that follows a handful of people every season on the autism spectrum as they search for love.

44:37It's not a new show. It's been on the air for several years now. I still think about it to this day. This show is so eye-opening and heartwarming and educational and sometimes insanely funny. But what I love about it is that it's never at the expense of the people involved or in a way that feels, you know, cruel or exploitative, which I gotta imagine is so hard to do with reality TV. There have been four seasons of the show. They did two seasons in Australia, which I loved. And then they did two seasons in the US. I am obsessed with the show. Every person I've told about it also falls in love with it.

45:12Except for me, because I've never been able to watch a single episode because I have kids. But everyone else. Everyone else. Get to it. Keanu Clary, the director, and his whole team, really, they did something very special with the show. they chose subjects who are so interesting and lovely and funny, and they followed them during a process that is sometimes incredibly awkward and so vulnerable. And they captured what it's like to search for love when navigating other people can be very challenging. And that's actually what I love the most about the show. It speaks to this raw, awkward part of all of us, whether we're on the spectrum or not.

45:46So if you're looking for a really sweet, interesting, highly entertaining show to watch. Check it out. Love on the Spectrum on Netflix. I would start with the Australian seasons and then work your way to the US ones. You're going to love it. Solid, Gabe. Also, in case y 'all don't know, there's a subreddit for the show if you want to jump into discussions with other listeners and us about specific episodes or just general show chatter. If there was an episode you liked, an episode you didn't like, you want to share additional thoughts, learn more from other people in our show fam, check it out.

46:14There's actually some really nice conversations in there. Gabriel and I take part, but there's a lot of cool supportive stuff in there. people are sharing really interesting things. You can find that at reddit.com slash r slash Jordan Harbinger. Love to see you there. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Seven years ago, I joined a startup as the first employee. I became CEO and a shareholder because I love the work. It was tough, but we kept pushing forward. No vacations, low or non-existent salaries, long hours, and the sacrifice of many friendships and the person I loved. I wasn't the easiest person to live with.

46:49My bedroom turned into my office, so falling asleep next to three glowing screens while listening to the sound of frantic typing wasn't exactly ideal for anyone's well-being. Yeah, the manic startup hustle is real. It sounds like you were really lit up by this company. You threw yourself into it, which is beautiful. But yeah, I can do a real number on your relationships, man. I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your partner. It sounds like you broke up. Sometimes you just can't have it all when you're determined to achieve something. But I had a vision to build a company where by the time I turned 30, I could take it easy, working eight hours a day with people I care about on a project I love for clients who appreciate us.

47:26Each year, the numbers improved and eventually I was able to guarantee five salaries, including my own. Every bit of profit went back into improving the product and raising employee salaries. We weren't a unicorn, but I was happy. Well, well done, man. I mean, You sound like a solid leader, also a solid human being. Yeah, he sounds great. Everything was going according to plan until one day the shareholders decided to replace me as CEO with the son of one of their friends and asked me to continue working for them. That's brutal. Ouch. I didn't have much choice, so I accepted. The salary was the same with less work, so I didn't have the right to complain.

48:05Well, you definitely had the right to complain, but I appreciate your mindset here. But as I watched the company shift its focus from our clients and employees to the happiness of the shareholders treating people like replaceable assets, I just couldn't stay. Yeah. I decided to resign before I hit burnout, see a therapist, and start a new company, all while keeping in mind that this might be a blessing in disguise. Thank you both, by the way. Your advice has helped me a lot. Yeah, dude, again, you're killing it on so many levels. Rolling with punches like this, and this is one of the most brutal punches I think you could take.

48:36It takes a lot of maturity, a lot of resourcefulness, a lot of flexibility and openness. And I really admire those qualities. And he started another business. He's not like sleeping on his friend's couch and licking his wounds. I mean, he just immediately got back on the horse. Good move. Yeah, he's pretty remarkable. By the way, I'm touched that we could play a role in all that. That's awesome. But you're the one who ran with all of these ideas. So well done, amigo. So he goes on. But here's the thing. My former company still owes me 100 ,000 Swiss francs, which is about 115 ,000 US dollars. They said they'd pay, but my last conversation with the new shareholder ended with them saying, I have no interest in paying you back and blaming me for the company's lack of funds.

49:14I know this isn't true. I know the numbers. And since I left, they've cut development to maximize profit so they could afford their Teslas. Okay, well, frustrating to say the least and also almost certainly illegal. I could see a lawyer, but I'm not sure I have the strength to go through with it. and it might hurt my former employees. Whoa, okay, I'm sorry to keep jumping in here, but you do have the strength to go through with it. You should go through with it, and it's not your fault if it hurts your former employees, which I don't believe that it will anyway. The new management is screwing you, and they're probably also screwing your former employees or your former colleagues too.

49:55And if you get that money, you're not taking that money away from your former colleagues. Management was gonna take it and buy a Model S with it anyway.

50:30Come on, man. it's really inspiring in a certain way, and it's absolutely pathological in another way, and I can say that because I am wired similarly, bro. We'll come back to this. You're a rock star, but man, is it time to give yourself a little space. 30 years old, man. You gotta live your life. Carry on, Gabe. So here I am, feeling a bit lost. What would you do in my shoes? How do I navigate this transition? Signed, finding my way and hunting for a payday when I'm straight up afraid of going on holiday. Well, as with most letters we get on Feedback Friday, I'm very sorry this happened to you.

51:04I'm also not sorry this happened to you. Whatever led to you being pushed out of this company and then resigning, in some sense it had to happen, either because this wasn't your organization to lead or because leading it in this way was preventing you from living your life fully, starting a company of your own, going to therapy, enjoying life a little bit. What I'm hearing is that you're going through a sort of mini crisis, a very healthy crisis. It's coinciding with your 30th birthday, which also makes sense. and this might sound weird, but I'm actually pretty excited for you. My strong feeling is that this isn't just an opportunity to consider your next venture or your next career move or your next investor, but to really take a step back and actually consider yourself.

51:41You've been in one mode for a long time, man. Work, work, work, build, build, build. I love it. Again, I admire it. You have real passion and grit and dedication to your goals and underlying those goals are certain values that the peak experience of life for you right now is building, that you need to be useful, productive, effective, that work is more important than relationships. I was the same way for such a long time. I still am to a certain degree, but I've learned how to find more balance in my life, and I no longer believe that work takes precedence over literally everything else. Although Jen and the kids might disagree when I'm in the studio with Gabe on a Sunday or on the phone with my attorney at 7 freaking PM on a Friday.

52:16So I'm not judging you for those values, and I'm not necessarily telling you to give them up. They are going to take you very far, case in point, not to pat myself on the back too much, but it's effective. Part of your job as an entrepreneur, hell, even as an employee for someone else, and definitely as a human being, part of your job is to just experience the world, feel joy, feel inspiration, feel freedom, and to be in touch with the parts of you that are not just, you know, productive. You gotta refill the well, man. And you gotta remember that life is so much bigger than your company, or your employer, or some dipshit investor in their Tesla.

52:53To say nothing of how crucial it is to rest from time to time so you can really give your best to your new venture or your new job and all the people around you because this kind of burnout can wreak havoc on your body and your mind. It could really cause some problems for you later down the line. Now, I hear you that you're feeling that taking a break right now could hurt your career, given how rapidly the tech world moves. But I also have a feeling that that's the workaholism talking. For sure. The tech industry, it's not going to pass you by if you go to Amsterdam for two weeks, man. You could do a three-month trip.

53:20You could probably even do a six-month trip and be totally fine, especially if you stay on top of industry reports and news and all that stuff. But the fear that you'll somehow be left behind if you take a break. That's what's most interesting to me here. You know, you're not taking three years off to raise your kids a little bit or something like that. This is totally different. It sounds to me like there's a voice in your head going, don't take your foot off the gas for one second or it's all over. I have to think that that fear is part of what drives you, but it's just it's not true. And actually exploring the world, experiencing the world as a visitor and as a consumer and not just as a builder, that's only going to make you a better entrepreneur, a better leader, because you have to understand how the products you build or the companies you lead, how they interact with the world, how they touch people.

54:03And you also have to go out into the world to have new ideas, to encounter new influences, to get out of your little bubble and look up from your screen and, you know, be part of things sometimes. Plus, you got to have fun. You just have to, man. It's part of your design. So I'm with Jordan. While you plot your next couple moves, make some room for yourself, man, as a human being. Enjoy your 30th birthday. My God. I wish I was 30. Take advantage of this natural break between two chapters. Yes, seriously, try something new. Look, it's totally possible that you derive most of your meaning and joy from work, and that's fantastic, but it'll mean even more to you if you also allow yourself to have some experiences outside of that work as well.

54:41I'm obviously thrilled to hear that you began therapy. I think this would also be a great topic to bring into your sessions. I would actually be very curious to know how your therapist is helping you explore all of this stuff. And in a way, giving yourself more time to breathe and maybe travel and live your life, that is also part of your therapy right now. You know, I'm just remembering how much of this story seems to revolve around him turning 30. Like you said, his goal was to build a company where he could take it easy by 30. And now 30 is looming. He's been pushed out of his company, made to resign.

55:09He didn't achieve this very ambitious outcome of his. And that's probably left him with some difficult stuff. He might be disappointed, frustrated, maybe even kind of ashamed for not being able to make this happen. That might also be part of the reason he's going, I can't possibly take a few days off. The whole world's going to pass me by. But if I can, and Gabe, if I can just drop some personal experience here, I also was hell bent on being, you know, make a million dollars by 30. I was hell bent on that. And I actually achieved that goal. If you allow a little bit for flexible math, like this payment's coming in later and this is already closed, but you know what?

55:40It didn't make any difference. I remember I called my parents and told them and they're like, oh, we're so proud of you, honey. And then I like went out for drinks with friends. And then I was like, all right, now I need to be retired by 40. Right. I'm 44 now. Spoiler alert didn't happen, but it doesn't matter because I love my work. I wouldn't retire right now, even if I had a hundred million dollars in the bank because I love what I'm doing. So I feel like he didn't hit this arbitrary goal and he's beating himself up over it. But I'm telling you, if you had hit that goal, you would just make another goal.

56:08That's how you and I are wired, dude. I don't know you personally, but I can tell. Fascinating. So yeah, this might be an opportunity for him to put down certain ideas and certain arbitrary milestones, like getting to this point by 30 years old. He might be mourning the loss of the idea of himself as a guy who achieved that thing and the loss of the life that he hoped to have by now. That doesn't mean that it was a bad goal. Like you, Jordan, I really admire his ambition. But when those goals create concepts that we cling to very rigidly, and then punish ourselves for not living up to, especially when they might not have been attainable in the first place with this company he was involved in, that's when they can become very painful.

56:47So I think you make a really good point. That is in the mix here too. Some grief over his values, his old identity, making peace with all these feelings that this moment in his life is bringing up, which he might be trying to bypass by throwing himself back into work again. Man, that's so true. And again, I totally relate. But yeah, he's evolving. He has to clear the decks to make room for a new version of himself, which again, that's wonderful. So I hope you get to do that, man. You deserve that. And frankly, you need that. I'm sorry things went sideways. but now you're here and you get to decide what this transition means to you, what opportunities it serves up.

57:22And I know in time you're going to look back at this chapter and go, man, that was hard, but I'm so glad I got to hit the reset button, reconsider who I really am and what really matters to me. Trust me, that's going to make sitting in front of your three screens in bed two in the morning, if that's where you need to be anyway, a lot more fulfilling. Hope y 'all enjoyed the episode today. I want to thank everybody who wrote in. Thank you so much for listening as well. Go back and check out Sean Atwood, as long as there's no kids in the car, and our Skeptical Sunday on hydrotherapy, if you haven't done that yet.

57:51Hey, the best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know, like, and trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. Some of you are retired, you think you don't need it. Some of you have networking on lock, you think you don't need it. I teach this stuff all over the world. I've taught it to some of the top law enforcement and spy agencies. If they can get value out of it, I'm positive you can get value out of it. It's not gross or schmoozy or basic. You can find it on the Thinkific platform at sixminutenetworking.com.

58:20The drills take a few minutes a day. You got to dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build those relationships before you need them. Hammer your sanity down a little bit. Once again, all free at sixminutenetworking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. Also, connect with me on LinkedIn if you so desire. You can find Gabe on Instagram, Gabriel Mizrahi, or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One.

58:49My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show with the world's best counterfeiter.

59:19How long does it take to print$250 million? Five months. It needs to be worthwhile. It's going to need to be perfect. Because perfect, go big. One day, for no particular reason, I was driving and thinking and I stopped at a red light. It just hit me out of nowhere. You know, I'm chasing something to make money from. Sell something, make something, do something. All we do is to translate that into money. So we wake up in the morning to do that. I need to do something for money. Well, why don't I just literally make money? $1 million in$20 bills is about 50 kilos. So$250 million is 12 ,500 kilos or over eight Toyota Camrys or six Ford F-150s.

1:00:13That is multiple metric tons of cash. You must have been stoked, man, because you knew you were going to put$20 bills all over all of that and then just never work again. Yes. When I did bring it in and then I slammed the door shut, I was confident enough that everything I did off to that, I hadn't done any mistakes, so I was good to go. By design, there are people specifically looking for you all the time. This is all they do. If you get suspected, you know, in any way, let's say you're done, you can tell them whatever you want. They're not dummies. I mean, this is as high as it goes. This is top of the line.

1:00:54For more on how Frank Barasa printed his own fortune and got away with it, check out episode 488 on The Jordan Harbinger Show anywhere you get your podcasts.

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