1205: Minor Accusation Major Threat to Reputation | Feedback Friday

21:42I know what you mean. It's really hard to tell somebody you're close with that they need to look at something difficult, but especially in this department. Especially, yeah, Yeah, especially when that's something difficult is their children and how they're raising them. Yeah, a bit of a minefield. I don't know if you can have this conversation with someone without risking some difficult feelings. So my first question for our friend here is, is this important enough to risk those feelings? Is there truly no authentic way to move forward in the relationship without saying something about her parenting?

22:09And it sounds like the answer is no, which I totally understand, especially because you guys are pretty close. You're this kid's godmother. It's not like this is some random friend you hang out with occasionally at work who's parenting. you can completely ignore and still have a functional relationship. But it's also possible that this friendship is in the process of evolving. If you and this friend have fundamentally different values around parenting, for example, or more importantly, around giving and receiving feedback, then maybe you guys just can't be as close. And you know, maybe that's okay too in this case.

22:38True. Maybe this is someone you stay connected to, but you don't go near certain topics like her parenting, or you only hang out with her without the kids. That is an option. and that might not require you to have the full-on, hey, you're a bad mother and you're raising two monsters conversation, but your relationship will suffer as a result in a different way. You'll be less close. You might feel a little bit like you're holding your tongue, inauthentic, whatever word you want to put on it. So maybe the question is, which kind of weaker relationship do you want? Do you want a relationship where you guys stay connected, but you aren't as close because you are cramping around this topic?

23:10Or do you want a relationship where you guys might become closer or at least more honest with each other, but you might go through a fight or a bit of a tough period. Good question. For me, this comes down to the quality of the friend and our history together. Although history is a funny thing, right? In a way, it means you owe someone more honesty, but in another way, history can make it harder to really speak up and tell somebody the truth. So true, because you have all those years of not saying something and of them thinking you hold one opinion and then it's like, bam, surprise, I actually feel this way, which can be scary.

23:40Although I gotta be honest, but the friend probably knows I'm kind of going through this crap with my kids. they're being kind of crappy. I mean, she even said, if you don't stop, so-and-so's going to leave. Like, she knows. So you're not going to shock her by saying, by the way, I think your kids are spoiled. That's a good point. It's not like she's been telling her she's an amazing mother all this time. She has no clue. Look how well-behaved they are. No, like, it's the elephant in the room and they're actually talking about it. She's mentioning it. She's just being a little bit opaque with it.

24:07And this, our friend here hasn't said what everybody else knows, which is, your kids are crappy. But the challenging thing is, in our friend here's case, She's already tried gently talking to her about setting limits. And her friend is like, no, I know you're right. But then she just goes back to spoiling her kids. True. Yeah. So on top of everything we're talking about, she also has some evidence that this friend just can't take this feedback in or can't act on it. That might be true. It might also be true that she owes her one final try. OK, you want to pitch a script or said I do? I'll give it a go.

24:35So maybe you say, listen, I know we've talked about the divorce and the kids a lot recently. I know it's been hard to understand how best to parent them after the split. that maybe this is the way you want to parent them. And that's your choice, of course. But I'm your friend. I'm godmother to your son. And I feel I owe it to you and to our friendship to tell you that I'm worried about the impact that this kind of parenting is going to have on your kids. I'm seeing this thing. I'm noticing that. I would mention a couple specifics, not to be, you know, like petty and mean, but just so she really remembers what's actually happening.

25:05And maybe you say candidly, I'm sorry to say this. It's a hard thing to say, but it is making me not want to spend as much time with them which breaks my heart that's how bad this has gotten and you know that i love kids so for it to get to this point must be a real problem now i understand the position you're in you're dealing with a lot of guilt from the divorce you want the kids to feel loved you want them to love you and maybe this seems like the best way to do it and also they're getting the same thing from their dad but i gotta tell you this is not the way to do it because play this out they're 10 15 25 45 what kind of people do you think they're going to become?

25:39How do you think they're going to treat other people? How are they going to deal with things when they don't get their way? Right. How is this serving them? Honestly, I've been afraid to bring this up because part of me is worried that it might mean the end of our friendship. And I'm really hoping that that is not the case. And I'm not here to make you feel bad. I'm just here to help you notice a blind spot. And if you're open to it, maybe we can talk this out and find some new ways of responding to your kids. But I'm going to follow your lead here. You know where I stand. How is this landing with you?

26:05Do you see things in the same way? Are you open to talking about this. What is this like? Nice. Again, a script I'd probably be nervous to say myself, but that's exactly the right approach. My hunch is that this friend is so consumed with guilt and she's so terrified of her own children that she can't stand up to them, which is a real problem. Yeah. But it comes from some deep seated stuff in her. So if she engages with you, she's willing to talk about this. I think you're going to have to get into that stuff in order to make progress. Why is she so wracked with guilt after the divorce? Why is she so afraid to set limits with her kids.

26:35If she needs to be liked by them, which I get, of course, all parents have that to some degree. It's not insane to want your kids to love you. But if your main agenda is getting your kids to like you and forgive you, what the heck is that? That is a really interesting observation because we all know that parents have to risk disappointing and frustrating their children sometimes. Right. But if her central need is to be liked and approved of by them, then by spoiling them in this way, she's actually not necessarily doing this to make them feel better. She's doing it to make herself feel better, to fulfill this need that she has.

27:05Slash to avoid the opposite feeling, to avoid having to feel unliked or punished or confirmed as bad somehow. Is even more problematic somehow because another part of being a parent is being able to hold those difficult feelings and then still love your children, right? To bear the feeling of, you know, I'm so mad at you, mom, or I'm not talking to you, dad, or whatever positions kids can get into when they're young, but still stay connected to them, which is actually very crucial for children to feel. But if this woman can't do that, then she has a lot of work to do. And that work is probably a lot deeper than a friend can help her with.

27:36Right. Probably the kind of work best done in therapy. Probably, but that's up to her to decide if she wants to go there. So you don't have to have this conversation, but I think it is probably the right thing to do. And the thing we keep coming back to is all big conversations have the potential to shake a relationship. And some people, unfortunately can be so shaken or so wounded or so ashamed or so angry, whatever it is, that they can't sustain the relationship anymore. But these conversations also have the potential to deepen those relationships. Right. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so to speak.

28:08Exactly. You're also going to have to adjust your expectations here because even if you get through to her, you can't parent her kids for her. You can't be there every second of the day. You can't change her fundamentally. Even some progress would be a win here, but it might not look exactly like what you would do in her shoes. I hope your friend can take in what you have to say, or at least I hope you can make peace with a different level of closeness with her, and good luck. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Use a descriptive subject line. That makes our job a lot easier.

28:37If your ex is weaponizing the legal system against you in a bid for manipulation and control, you're trying to help your friend flee the Sri Lankan mafia, or your mother-in-law is insisting on bringing a sex offender around your children, whatever's got you sweating lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. And by the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter, Wee Bit Wiser. This is a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered to your inbox on most Wednesdays. It's a two-minute read, even less.

29:04If you want to keep up with the wisdom from the show, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 25-year-old guy from the UK, and I live across the country from my family. My 21-year-old brother recently moved back in with our mother after living with our dad for a couple of years. We knew he was in a bad place mentally, and I had hoped that moving back in with my mom would give him a more supportive environment and a chance to turn things around. I recently met up with my mom and came to learn that things are a lot worse than originally suspected.

29:39He's depressed, refuses to leave the house or do basic adult things like going to the bank because he's too anxious, and outright refuses to try engaging with therapy or any sort of helpline. He's also apparently been getting involved with a questionable person online, someone who's previously been in trouble with the police. But he won't share any more information about what or why, just that it quote-unquote wasn't a big deal and quote-unquote wasn't his fault. He claims he doesn't even know this person's name, that whatever messaging service they use has people use code names, so they can't get each other in trouble if anything were to happen.

30:13man this raises so sketchy man so dark right what discord server are they hanging out in or like shady crazy dark web telegram-esque nonsense i don't want to know where they're hanging out and what they're talking about but it can't be good right no you code names so you can't get in each other in trouble like not code names because it's the internet and it's the 90s code names so that you have plausible deniability for talking to a criminal who's planning a criminal action and you can't out your co-conspirators. You think it's the same platform as the guy from question one? I mean, there's no good can come of this.

30:48This raises a lot of red flags, but he won't stop talking to this person as they're the, quote, only one who understands him, unquote. I knew my brother had previously seen a psychotherapist, so when I asked my mom if he was currently speaking to anybody, my mom revealed that the previous therapist informed her that they had to speak to the police about my brother, although they wouldn't disclose what it was about. There's obviously something illegal in the mix, but we don't know what. And the most concerning thing is that he said that the only reason he didn't act on whatever this is, is because he doesn't want to go to jail.

31:20Yeah, that's worrisome. I wonder what happened there. But just to be clear, this shady person he's talking to online in this incident with the police, those are two different things. It sounds like it, but I'm not totally sure. Either way, it sounds like he's involved with some shady stuff with some questionable people. Well, yeah, things have to be pretty bad for a therapist to be like, OK, well, I have to call the police. I'm a mandated reporter. That's not merely suicidal ideation, because I think then they have to call. That's like a psychiatric thing, probably. This is like he was talking about killing someone or hurting someone.

31:52It can't even just be a regular old crime. It has to be hurting someone else. I believe so, unless the laws in the UK are different. That's true. Maybe it's different there. But probably similar. Right. I would be so worried. If this were my sibling, it's actually worse that they don't know exactly what happened. I agree. Now they have to just wonder and speculate. Yeah. Or the mom knows and is like, because he would have been a minor then, right? You're not going to tell your adult patient's mom something. So the mom probably knows and is just like, I'm not going to share this because it's too dark and I don't want to admit that this actually happened.

32:24Oh man, that's possible. But it's also possible that the therapist couldn't tell her and she truly has no idea. But then the question is, why are you not in a dialogue with your own child about what they're really doing? Yes. Why did the police come over and ask you a bunch of questions because Because you told your therapist. If the son is like, I don't have to tell you, I don't want to tell you, I just didn't do it because I don't want to go to jail. It's like, no, you're going to explain to me what is going on. You're living in the basement with no job, talking online to criminals all day. You owe me an explanation.

32:48Yeah. Due to the aforementioned mental health issues, he's also been self-harming and is possibly suicidal. And there's concern that if he were to lose access to these online outlets, even if they're toxic and harmful, he might not cope. I get the impression that he's so deep in this pit of misery that it's become familiar and safe. I've had a history of real mental health issues myself, so I can absolutely understand what that's like. But we have very different approaches to life and our challenges, and I've given all the advice I can think of in this area, and he seems to only sink deeper. My mother lives with her partner now, and they have a great relationship.

33:23But because my brother never tried to form any sort of relationship with him, it results in a challenging dynamic. I think my mom's partner can see the situation more objectively, so when my brother acts out, he's more likely to draw a firm line than my mom. I know he just wants the best for her, but when the best thing for her may be drawing a strict boundary with my brother, the situation becomes a lot more difficult. My mom shared that she feels stuck, that she doesn't want my brother to drive her and her partner apart, but she feels like she has to choose between them and that as a family she has an obligation to be loyal to my brother.

33:55Since my mom met her partner, she's been so much happier and more fulfilled, and I would be deeply upset if my brother's issues were to break them apart. She's had a difficult life and absolutely deserves happiness, especially as she's getting closer to retirement age. How do you help somebody who doesn't want to be helped? What's the line between being compassionate and enabling? How do you do what's right even when it might be painful? And how can my mom navigate wanting to do what's best for my brother without compromising her own well-being and relationships. Signed, spotting some trouble and totally puzzled by the way my brother struggles with his mubble fubbles.

34:31Oh man, what a sad story. This is pretty intense. First of all, as you can tell, my heart aches for your brother. He's clearly troubled. He's going through some very painful stuff and he's very hard to reach right now. I'd imagine it's pretty tough to be him. But my heart really aches for you and your mom. You obviously love them a lot. You want to help and you're just hitting wall after wall while also learning some very disturbing stuff. You guys are in a really tough place. Once again, we wanted to talk to an expert about all this, so we reached out to Dr. Erin Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show.

35:01I'm also known to the people who know me the best as the f***ing doctor. And we started by asking her this really big question you've posed. How do you help someone who just does not want to be helped? And Dr. Margolis was pretty honest with us. She said the short answer is, you don't because you can't. Your question comes from a place of love and also of anxiety, wanting to exert some control over a situation that is out of control. But sadly, as much as we want to, we just cannot control other people. And the discomfort of that can be very overwhelming. Dr. Margolis actually shifted the question a little bit.

35:35She said that what you're actually probably contending with here is what you'd have to feel within you if you stopped trying to do the impossible. Or at least tried to stop someone who, in so many ways, is saying, yeah, I don't want your help. I'm not ready to work on these things. Now, I know how tough that is. You don't just want to ditch your brother. He's suffering. It's so hard. But you're also suffering by trying so hard to help someone who clearly does not want to take any advice. So Dr. Margolis's feeling was you might want to sit with that and just see what comes up when you let go of the idea of trying to save your brother on your own.

36:07Would you feel like a failure? Would you feel like you're not being a supportive brother? What does it mean to be a supportive brother? Would you feel like you're not holding up your family responsibility? Those questions might be the real work you need to do right now. As we talk about all the time, there's probably going to be some grief around your brother going through this period, grief that you might in fact be staving off by working so hard to help him when he isn't ready to help himself. Dr. Margolis pointed out that if you let go, you'd probably have to grieve the possibility that your brother might continue to struggle and grieve the consequences of what that might look like, even if the consequences become severe.

36:41I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not saying you can't intervene if things get serious. Like if he's going to harm himself, maybe you have grounds to have him hospitalized. But you also have to understand that that would not be your fault. And even then, he'd still have to build on that support and make the lasting changes himself. And she says that knowing how difficult this is to do, how painful it is to watch someone you love suffer and not be able to do much for them. But to quote her here, sometimes trying so hard to control someone else's behavior, trying so hard to help when somebody isn't open enough to receive that help, that can sometimes be a distraction, a way for us to avoid dealing with our own feelings and ultimately finding some acceptance around what this person has chosen to do with their life.

37:22Oof, yeah. That's a banger of a Dr. Margolis quote right there. Now, you're asking another great question, also a Feedback Friday motif, which is, where is the line between being supportive and enabling? Yeah, one of my favorites. Always confusing, right? Dr. Margolis' take was, there's no hard and fast rule about this. Every situation is different. But based on what you shared with us, she did feel that most of what you and your mom are doing for your brother these days, although it comes from a very good place, it does sound like enabling for the simple reason that your brother basically doesn't have to do anything to change for your mom to continue taking care of him.

37:56Now, if your mom were like, okay, you can live here at home, but you have to go to therapy. You have to see a doctor. You got to get a job. You can't just stay in your room chatting with people online for hours about probably criminal activity that the police are now getting involved in. And if you don't do those things, here are the consequences. And I'm ready to stand by those consequences. That would not be enabling. But it sounds to me like she's given him a perpetual soft landing without really having to be accountable or change in any meaningful way. Right. That's less support. And it's more of it's coddling.

38:26Is that too strong a word? No, she's coddling. In a way, she is coddling him. But here's the thing. I'm sure that mom is going through her own process, parallel to our friend, of wanting to love her son, wanting to stabilize him, not wanting to abandon him, probably freaking out that if she doesn't do things this way, he might hurt himself or end up in jail or whatever. And this seems like the only way to do it. But as a result, he's not really experiencing any consequences or healthy pressure, no consequences to neglecting his mental health or to engaging in this sketchy stuff online. I'm still so curious about that whole thing.

38:58But anyway, I'm just not sure what they're supposed to do about who the brother talks to online. I would hope that that experience with the police spooked him enough to not engage with people like that on the Internet. But who knows? It doesn't sound like it. I mean, they're still talking. Just one more thing that they can't control in this situation. I mean, short of canceling their Vodafone service and stealing his iPhone. Right. Not going to happen as an adult. Yeah. Which again, so hard to sit with that. On the flip side, though, I will say it does sound like he's hungry for connection and community and he's finding it with the wrong people.

39:27But in a way, that might be a good sign that he doesn't want relationship. That's true. But I also wonder if this is part of why he's resisting therapy. Oh, you mean because the last therapist had to report him? Yeah, we can't know for sure. I just wonder if maybe the brother doesn't trust therapists now after the last one called the cops. Look, that's no excuse for not going, of course, but it might explain his resistance. Bottom line, we all feel that it's not your job alone to save your brother, to save your family. The best thing you can do is support your brother appropriately and support your mother while she goes through this.

39:56For sure. Yeah, this is her house. This is her son. She needs to find her own way with him. God, I feel bad for the guy she's dating. He wants to sort of become a father figure to this guy and can't do it. And he's just watching his girlfriend, his partner's kid flush himself down the toilet. It's interesting. He's kind of handling the son better than anybody. Yeah, he's the only sorry, he's the only parent who's acting appropriately in this situation. But you know, so much easier for him. Well, it is easier. He doesn't have this lifetime of caring for this kid. He's not visualizing a little baby that mother had in his arms, which is what she's doing.

40:28He's like, you're a grown-ass man. Get out of here and get a freaking job. Look, the best way to support everybody is to just listen and be present and acknowledge what your mom is going through. You can validate how hard it is for her to know how to help your brother. And then maybe when the time is right, you can gently encourage her to consider some new approaches, maybe some new policies, maybe some new ways to balance this responsibility she feels for your brother with her responsibility to herself. And same with your brother. You know, I'm so sorry, bro. I know you're going through it. It hurts me to see you suffering like this.

40:58What is this like for you right now? I can't fix this for you, but if you want to talk this out, if you want to find some new ways forward, I am here for that. Exactly. He really does need to go back to basics here. As for your mom and her own well-being, her own relationship, that's raising the stakes on all this. But it's interesting. Here, too, you might be taking on more than you should. Dr. Margolis said if you were her client, the question she'd be asking is, why is your mom's struggle your problem to solve? Where does that sense of responsibility come from? Look, I get caring about your mom.

41:27I get wanting her to be happy to enjoy her relationship. I love that you want those things for her. It's super sweet. But again, I don't mean to repeat myself, but if those things matter to her, which I assume they do, then she has to learn how to prioritize them, how to make sure all of her relationships are aligned in a way that makes them possible and honors her own needs. I'm also wondering, where is dad in all this? You said your brother was living with him. Now it sounds like he's your mom's problem because dad kind of gave up maybe. I don't know if it's dad's responsibility to solve either, but I'm just curious to know why all of this seems to fall on you guys.

41:58Anyway, we all get it. You want to help your family. Of course, you want to see everyone happy. Of course, you want to see them succeed. But you can't do this for your brother and you can't do this for your mom. Yeah, that is the theme Dr. Margulis kept coming back to. She actually shared a little gem she really likes with us. She said there's an important difference between caring about and caring on behalf of. Caring about looks like I really want my mom to be happy. I don't want her to compromise a relationship for my brother. I'm worried about her. I want the best for her. I'm here to listen and, you know, gently support up to a point.

42:32Caring on behalf of is different. That's, I want my brother to stop suffering. I want my mom to do what's best for her. So I'm going to get involved. I'm going to take on these feelings myself. I'm going to change my behavior to help other people manage their outcomes. Obviously that second form of caring, that's when you get sucked into the suffering yourself. And I think it might potentially be part of an enmeshment in your family. And that is rarely, if ever, truly effective. So Dr. Margolis' general take is, the answer you're looking for here is really just new boundaries externally with your mom and brother to know when and how and how much to help them.

43:05And also internally with yourself to keep an eye on this impulse to get overly involved and all the templates and history and feelings that are informing that impulse. Those internal boundaries are probably the most important. That's the line that's going to help you go, okay, this is really sad. This is really distressing. I feel this urge to jump in and save everyone, but that's probably going to prolong the situation. It's going to cause me more suffering, so I'm going to recognize that urge, but I'm not going to act on it. But here's the good news. You're asking, how do you do what's right, even when it might be painful, which tells me that you know that encouraging your mom to set some higher standards, drawing some boundaries, that's the right thing to do.

43:42And Dr. Margolis pointed out that it might, in fact, be the path to helping, even if it feels more passive, because then your brother might be motivated to get help. As Dr. Margolis put it, sometimes we have to shift our definition of what it means to help. Sometimes just listening, validating, being present with that person in their experience, sitting with them and making space for their pain is actually helping. It doesn't always feel productive, so we don't think of it as helpful, but sometimes it's the most helpful stance that you can take. I'm sorry you and your mama are going through this.

44:10My heart goes out to your brother. I hope he gets to a place where he's ready to seek out some help and really engage with it. Sending you and your family a big hug and wishing you all the best. Big thanks to Dr. Margolis for her wisdom and advice. Dr. Margolis is seeing patients in Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. You can learn more about her and her approach at DrAaronMargolis.com. Speaking of dodgy online personalities trying to seduce you into their schemes, now a word from our criminally generous sponsors. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate and probably very good-looking listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors, all of which you can find on the website at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

44:51If that doesn't work, email us. We're happy to dig up codes for you because it is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I had an unconventional childhood. My parents split when I was six and the fallout impacted my family and me for many years. My mom, a talented artist, struggled with alcohol, work, and relationships. and still has a difficult relationship with money and work. My dad is an entrepreneur whose career was very chaotic when I was younger, but who ultimately succeeded and is a master at his craft.

45:26I remember feeling scared about money all the time and like I didn't have a safe home or even a safe person to talk to. Yeah, that's tough. I'm sorry to hear that. When I was younger, I dreamed of starting my own business and I thought I would write books, so I studied creative writing. But I haven't ever really felt able to commit. I met my ex when I was 18 and he was 20, and I took it on myself to steer the ship, making decisions about where we would live and always trying to get a good job to steady us. I was floundering though, and struggled with my mental health in my 20s right up to last year.

46:00Then my 17-year relationship, which felt like the only achievement in my life, broke down last year. Since then, I've been rebuilding my mental, emotional, and physical health. I've spent many years in therapy, I feel worlds away from the traumatized person I once was, and now I think I'm really ready to work on this. I'm seeing an amazing new partner, I started a new job, and I'm doing so much better than I was. But I can't avoid the fact that my career never really took off. And at 37, the stakes feel incredibly high to now get this right. I've had over 30 jobs in my life. I've freelanced, blogged, worked in marketing, hospitality, in higher education, and have a BA and an MA in creative writing.

46:42I've gone fairly wide, but not deep. My current role blends a lot of my skills in an industry I feel passionate about, and I'm enjoying managing more people than before. But I worry about the long-term trajectory of this line of work. Whether it's lucrative, work-life balance, whether jobs are plentiful, it's work that I'm passionate about, but it can be stressful and there's a lot of churn. After feeling unfulfilled in my last workplace, I'm still grappling with so much self-doubt, and any setbacks can have me questioning this role and where it's taking me. I desperately wish I had a steady, stable, fulfilling role that felt like it was building on what I've done before toward something meaningful.

47:20I see people who are older than me who are confident, self-assured, and financially secure. I also see people who are struggling in what should be their golden years, and this fills me with dread. When I'm 70, I would like to be able to talk about the work I've done with pride. I would like to spend the rest of my working life deepening skills, experience, and expertise. I would also like to be financially independent and secure and responsible with money. There's also so much I want to do aside from work. I'd like to write books, grow a garden, continue to nurture my relationships, learn languages, travel.

47:53In short, I would like to thrive. But how can I do these things without the money and security that a steady career would bring? How do I choose a career and what if I make a bad choice? How do I forgive myself for not resolving this issue sooner? And how do I stop the shame and fear that I feel around this from impacting my progress, my new relationship, and all my relationships, including the one with myself? Signed, moving my career along when all I do is prolong because I'm still embarrassed that it took me this long. First of all, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. I gotta say your grasp of what led you here, your childhood, your needs, these decisions, this urgency, the shame, all of it, it's really impressive.

48:33I can hear that you've done a lot of work. I know that you feel like you're behind, but we're all dealing with different challenges. We all need to go through our own process to get where we're going, even if it takes longer than we'd like. So I know it's trite, but as much as possible, I would trust that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And anyway, even if you can't, that's the only place you can begin. So might as well accept and forgive yourself so you can focus. So my first thought is, I know this childhood did a number on you. The traumas and templates that get created when we're young, they can be pretty hard to shake.

49:02The fear you describe is pretty real, obviously. I'm sorry you didn't feel safe. I'm sure that's playing a big role in all this. But I want to share a couple things with you. First, the traumas and patterns, they can be healed. They can be rewritten. There might not be a day where you feel completely free of them, but you do not have to be held back by them in the same way forever. And second, this one's a little more controversial, but whatever here goes. It's really important to have a good handle on your story. It's also important to not hold onto it too strongly, to not allow yourself to be defined by it.

49:31In other words, to not move through the world with this dominant narrative of like, my mom was like this and my dad was like that. So these are the only ways I have of managing my life. And these are the only two opportunities available to me. You know we're big fans of getting to the roots of things, but you gotta walk that line. The second thing I wanna talk about is this theme of commitment, of feeling confident enough to go, okay, this is what I want. I'm ready. I'm going for it. Look, I totally get wanting to feel ready to make the leap and choose a path that you stick with, especially at this stage where the stakes feel higher.

50:02You have less time to play around. But I also wonder if wanting to feel able to commit before you really explore something, if that might be just one more way to avoid having to commit. Like, I'll commit when I feel ready to commit. And then you wait and you wait for that feeling, but it just never fully comes. Because in reality, this is my experience anyway, a lot of the feeling of being able to commit comes from, you know, actually committing. It's in the doing that we find our life force, our conviction, right? Our excitement, the feeling that we're on the right path. It's hard to feel that in advance.

50:33Right. Are we ever truly ready for anything? I mean, at a certain point, you just got to decide to jump in and learn as you go and deal with the highs and lows, which also means risking feeling frustrated, being challenged, being scared, being confused, all of the things that come with picking something and sticking with it. So I also wonder if waiting to feel ready to commit might also be a way to avoid those feelings. Yeah, man, 100%. That would be another thing to keep an eye on, not inadvertently creating yet another obstacle by waiting for a time when you just magically feel totally ready.

51:04I'm also interested in what came up in your relationship, although I'm not sure exactly how that played a role. I just find it interesting that you were the steady, responsible one in that relationship, even though you were struggling yourself. And it sounds like you kept you and your partner stable, that was really important to you. To be fair, I think we'd need to know so much more to understand what to make of that. And it's not exactly what you're writing it about. It's not, but also maybe it is. Yeah, maybe it is. I mean, look, I do hear some glimmers of your childhood in that relationship, but I look, I'm sure she's taking care of all that in therapy.

51:35The other interesting detail in her letter is this thing about how any setback can have her questioning her role and where it's taking her. When I hold that alongside that thing we just talked about how waiting to feel ready to commit might have been a way to avoid being in touch with certain feelings. Feelings, by the way, engendered by certain wounds, I would imagine. I also wonder if maybe adversity is a little hard for her sometimes. You know, when things are humming along, she's okay. She's good. When she hits a roadblock, though, it might bring up some difficult thoughts like, why am I even doing this?

52:06You know, where is it taking me? Is this really my path? Those might be legitimate questions, though, right? Maybe this isn't her path. Maybe when things get hard, she realizes she's struggling with something she just doesn't truly care about. Could totally be the case. It could also be the case that those thoughts are a way to flee the feeling of struggling in general. And she would find a version of that struggle in anything she does. Yeah, that's a good point. So like, instead of going, man, things are hard right now. This is part of the process. Let me work through it. Her brain might be going, man, things are hard right now.

52:35This can't possibly be my path. I need to make a change. And then I won't have to deal with this feeling. Exactly. The tricky thing is that it might be both. She might, in fact, be in the wrong career for her, and she might struggle to stay connected to her work and maintain her confidence when she's challenged, as so many of us do, me included. That is something she's going to have to parse for herself. You know, when is it an authentic voice telling her, okay, it's time to make a change, and when is it a form of denial or avoidance? You're also touching on something else I want her to know, which is that her true path, right, another job, writing, learning languages, even gardening, that's not going to solve this problem in time.

53:10No, it is not. Good point. And in fact, pursuing something you truly care about, take it from me, I've done it. And we've talked about this on the show. It can sometimes make these setbacks feel even worse. Yeah, right. Because it's not just some job you're doing to survive. It's your love. It's your calling. It's not entirely healthy. But we do tend to identify with this kind of work even more, right? I'm a podcaster. I'm not a guy who works as a barista and then also does all these other things that I care about more, right? So it's part of my identity. I'm not, look, I'm not trying to stress you out further.

53:37I just don't want you to pin all your hopes of never feeling self-doubt or confusion or anxiety or demoralization on the perfect job because no job can give you that. I'll tell you, man, when I started doing podcasting as a job, it was awesome and it still is. But you know what? It's also a job. There's a lot of stuff I do and I go, I don't like this part of the thing that I have to do. It just happens. And it's never going to go away. And it's actually a part of the whole thing that makes the other stuff that's good feel good. But that's a different subject. this is more about continuing to do the great work you're doing while you work through the dips and challenges of your career using your job to shine a light on those parts of your personality that are being exposed when things get tough so my question for you there is what is it specifically about these setbacks that are throwing you for a loop is it that they make you go screw this why am i putting up with this for something i don't even care about or is it that they make you go the feeling of struggling or being blocked feels so bad i just want out so let me try to answer your questions directly here.

54:35It's hard to make art and garden and learn freaking Italian or whatever and travel without some degree of money and security. So if all these things are calling to you, you're going to have to get your career in order. Okay. Also, you don't need to pursue all of them to be happy. And actually, this is just occurring to me. I wonder if wanting to do so many different things and not only wanting to do them, but thrive, which is great, a little abstract. If maybe that's another version of the whole I'll commit when I feel like I'm ready to commit thing. Yes. Another way to make it hard to want to commit, right?

55:07Because there are so many things you want to do. And that's paralyzing for anybody, even somebody who's already got every, you know, their security blanket or whatever together. I'm not saying you can't enjoy all these things if you really want to. But the reality is, you can't work a full time job and learn Portuguese and garden and write the great American novel and travel the world as a digital nomad or whatever the hell your dreams are super exciting. I love that you want to explore all these things. But practically speaking, you can only do one thing at a time, at least well enough to really enjoy it.

55:39Okay. So if this desire to do all these things is keeping you stuck, it's time to find a new relationship with them. Prune your list. See what I did there? A little gardening humor for a good one, Papa. Yeah, thank you. Just choose one thing for now. Hit pause on all the hobbies and put most of your energy into the job search. As for choosing a career, the best thing you could do right now, well, is two things. First, Pay attention to the parts of jobs that you've had in the past. You've had, what, 30? Pay attention to the parts that you actually like, that lit you up. Get clear on which responsibilities and experiences and problems you genuinely enjoyed being a part of.

56:13Second, start talking to as many people as possible. Make the conversations fact-finding missions, brainstorming sessions, involve other people in your search. Six-Minute Networking course talks about reaching out to people, getting informational interviews. 6minutenetworking.com, it's a free course, no shenanigans. Dive into that stuff. You can binge it. People are going to be your best portal to new opportunities. Having a North Star, that is great. So you're not just throwing darts in every direction, but there's also some value in being open and curious about other things. And the second part of your question, what if I make a bad choice?

56:46Well, if you invest in yourself and you really consider this decision, you probably can't make a terrible choice. And if you choose a job that isn't ultimately for you, you make a change. That's OK. People do it all the time. But I think that question is also meaningful in context. You're putting enormous pressure on yourself to get this right. I appreciate the stakes, but this can be very paralyzing. If you're hoping to get into a career you can do for the next 30 years, this is going to be nerve-wracking. Yeah, it's a good point. There might be a glimmer of that fantasy we were just talking about in this idea, too.

57:17Like, if she can just make the right choice, then she won't have to deal with being dissatisfied or restless or confused or having to go through this chapter again where she's reconsidering things. But the reality is that you probably will, no matter which path you choose. And that might reduce the pressure on making the perfect choice, whatever the perfect choice means. As for forgiving yourself for not resolving the issue sooner, I don't have a quick fix here. We all beat ourselves up for various things we did, various things we didn't do. Welcome, your midlife crisis is starting early. Look, you're ahead of the game.

57:47I think forgiveness gets easier when you're working on the issue, honestly, when you're in a process, because then those quote unquote mistakes, they just start to feel like necessary stepping stones on the way to your true path. They are the path. And then you can have more compassion for yourself. But look, if you can't forgive yourself, at least try to accept yourself. Self-forgiveness is really tricky. I find that I go in and out of it as well. But acceptance, hey, that I can do. Acceptance, that just means, okay, this is where I am right now. This is what I'm working with. That might actually be all you need.

58:18So my overall thought for you is the shame you feel, the fear you feel, these layers of self-consciousness, they're perfectly normal. And you need to let go of the idea that you need to fix them or you need to stop them before you can act. Nobody's totally free from fear and shame, dude. They act anyway. They build up their capacity to feel those feelings and still make choices. That's it. That's the big secret. So I hope that gives you some new ways to move through this transition. Analysis is part of it for sure, but don't let your analysis delay you even further. You'll learn far more about yourself by taking action and playing and exploring, knowing there's no such thing as a perfect choice that will help you avoid any setbacks or confusion going forward.

59:00Process over destination. That's the name of the game. Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best. Go back and check out Chris Dalby on crime and sports if you haven't done so yet. Show notes and transcripts on the website. But you know what else is on the website? Advertisers, discounts, and ways to support the show, namely at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogerty, Ian Baird, Tata Sidlowskis, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

59:33Our advice and opinions are our own. And I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Corbin Payne. Dr. Margolis' input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. And big thanks to The Social Hub for hosting us today. you can learn more about The Social Hub and check out their locations around the world at thesocialhub.co.

1:00:01Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. What if the next 20 years bring more change than the last 200, and we're not remotely ready for it? Jamie Metzel joins me to unpack the mind-blowing collision of AI, biotech, and genetics that's already reshaping what it means to be human. If you look at all of the scientific progress of the last hundred years, and you compare that to the hundred years before that, and a hundred years before that, we see this rapid acceleration.

1:00:41Because these systems are so complex, we need a language. And understanding the language of biology, which already exists, for us to understand it, we need these capabilities. And AI, with all these other technologies, will be that. And as we as humans and as our machines learn more about how to learn, more learning becomes possible. Acceleration begets acceleration. If we think this is a conversation about technology, we're going to get lost. This is a conversation about humanity, and it's a conversation about values. It's about who are we as we guide these revolutions. But humans have co-evolved with our technologies for thousands of years and more likely tens of thousands of years.

1:01:31So it's not us versus our technology. Our technology is us. And the question is, what's the best way for us to co-evolve in a healthy, sustainable way? But We need to know what we're trying to achieve. Every single person has a role in deciding how these technologies are used or not used as individuals and as a community. And that needs to guide us going forward. This is about all of our future. To hear more about the breakthroughs coming faster than we can comprehend and why we urgently need to figure out how to steer the ship, check out episode 1014 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.