1376: Sean Hemeon | The Good Little Drug Lord

22:46That I believe. And I also think people confuse trans people with drag queens and it's not the same thing. And that's kind of an understandable thing to not understand if you're not paying attention. And I think that really freaks people out if you've read the news in the last decade. Turns out an eight ball a day keeps literally everyone away. We'll be right back. Or will we? This episode is also sponsored in part by BetterHelp. If I could wake up tomorrow and be better at one thing, I'd want to handle stress without letting it follow me into every part of my day. Sometimes one negative review, an unexpected problem, or a nasty email can take up way more mental space than it deserves.

23:21Suddenly, I'm still thinking about it. Hours later, replaying the details, imagining different outcomes, and mentally drafting responses to situations that are already long over. And stress doesn't always stay neatly contained. It can affect how patient you are with your loved ones, how present you are with the people around you. Stress is part of life, and we can't control every problem that comes our way, but therapy can help you recognize your patterns, better understand what triggers them, and develop healthier ways to respond when things feel overwhelming. Sometimes feeling better starts with understanding what's actually weighing on you.

23:50BetterHelp offers online therapy with licensed therapists through video, phone, or messaging. I use BetterHelp. So does Jen. My dad uses it. It's a resource that our family genuinely values. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Jordan today to get 10 % off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Jordan. This episode is also sponsored by K-12. Having two kids has made one thing really clear to me. They each have their own personality, interest, and way of understanding the world. And as a parent, we want to do what helps each of them thrive. And that matters in education because every child learns differently.

24:20K-12 Powered Online Schools gives families another way to think about school. They provide tuition-free, accredited online public education for kindergarten through 12th grade with curriculum designed to support each student's needs, interests, and goals. K-12's dedicated teachers are trained in virtual instruction and offer real-time support. Students can also connect with peers and explore what excites them through extracurricular activities. Because it's all online, your child can learn at home or anywhere that there's internet in a setting that works for your family. K-12 has led online education for more than 25 years, serving 3 million students and counting.

24:50And enrollment is open throughout the year, so you can make a change when the time is right. See how K-12-powered schools can help your child thrive this fall or whenever the time is right. Enroll online today at k12.com-jordan. That's the letter K, the number 12, dot com slash Jordan. k12.com-jordan. Here's a little inside scoop you might not be aware of. When you use our promo code, you're not just scoring a discount, you're also giving the show a boost. We don't earn commissions from each sale, But when companies see that listeners engage with the ads that are on the show, it encourages them to keep supporting us.

25:22So if you're planning to sign up or buy something, please go to our deals page, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. It is a win. You get an awesome deal and you keep the show going strong. Thank you for supporting those who support the show. Now back to Sean Hameon. Anyway, that's Mormon mother kryptonite is my point. She's just like, oh my God. And then you're like, oh no, my mom thinks these people are gross and I think I might be one of them. And I'm disgusting. I'm horrible. What did I do to God to be cursed with it? Also, you're back to this. I fully believe that I lived in a world where the God that ruled it hated me so much, wouldn't even tell me the horrible thing that I did.

25:57Instead, just cursed me with the disease of gayness, which made me not acceptable, not enough, and all that. So I just wanted to die. I wanted to die all the time. And when that relationship ended at 19, I went right back to wanting to die. And so I was overloaded with that feeling. And that's when I started heading into the drugs heavily. You mentioned that your church leader compared homosexuality to cancer. I found this part funny, that you took extra pieces of sacrament bread because you thought you needed more Holy Spirit. I feel like if you're a pastor or a preacher and you notice somebody taking extra wafers, pull the kid into the office and ask what's going on.

26:32Something's going on. yeah that's i thought that's kind of like all right if i have three of these maybe i won't be gay next week it's so funny because they cut up white bread it's such a white bread religion but they cut up white bread and that's what's passed around that's the most mormon thing i've ever the wafers aren't white enough white bread and water no wine i forgot about that yeah no caffeine no what geez okay so it's easy to probably make mormonism the single villain here but i mean plenty of gay people who are raised Mormon don't become drug addicts, drug dealers. So what combination was kind of uniquely yours, you think?

27:07That's a great question. There are a lot of gay Mormons that are actually still trying to be Mormon, so more power to them. Can they? Is that allowed, or is it you have to keep it a secret? No, no, you're allowed to say you're gay, but you're not allowed to, like, act. Be gay. Yeah, exactly. But you know what? If that's their speed, more power to them. But then there's a lot of us gay Mormons that are really messed up as a result of it, because of all the repression and everything like that. My special combination just comes from the disease of addiction definitely comes down both sides, but definitely came down my dad's side.

27:36You can see a long line of them. Like I have an ancestor, an Irish sea captain that passed out on the way home from the pub and froze to death because he was so drunk. Like just stories like that just trickle down. So I have that. And then that core belief of not enough depression for my mother's side. So I was ripe. I came into the world believing I was powerless. and then suddenly believing I was in this Mormon god world that gave me even less power as well. I was perfect. I was the perfect candidate to try crystal meth for the first time and to feel like superhuman because that drug makes you feel powerful.

28:13It's not true, but it makes you feel powerful. And I just took to it. I always had the fantasy of like, I loved acting. I used to go to the movies with my dad. That was our thing. We would go to the movies. We wouldn't tell my mom we were seeing a rated R movie, but he'd sneak me in. Yeah, he'd sneak me into Die Hard or like, oh, I loved Young Guns. Yeah, of course. All the 90s classics. Sure. Loved all of them. And the way my dad looked at that screen, I would marvel at it because he wouldn't look at anything else like that. He would just be swept away in the movie. And I think I fell in love with movies then.

28:45I think I fell in love with wanting to be an actor then. But I fell in love with wanting to be a 90s action hero. And I think that comes from that place of, I feel so powerless in this world. I want to be powerful, like that toxic macho dude up there, but whatever. So when I got to meth, and also being gay and repressing that, when I got to meth, this sense of powerlessness was overcome by this sense of power that I got from this. I felt invincible. And that's what that drug does to you. I mean, you see people do crazy things while on it, so that totally makes sense. Just to put some context in this, the way it was described to me, you know, we have a normal dopamine drip in the back of our heads.

29:20It drips, like an IV thing. Let's compare it to that. Yeah, I'm getting some every time I take a sip of this. Correct. Correct. And so when you do a drug like meth, it literally opens up that drip and drops it down like an ocean while creating more dope. Some drugs will open that up and just pour it in. I think like cocaine will do that. It'll just open it up and pour it in. But meth will open it up, pour it in, and create more at the same time. And so - It sounds so awesome. So I feel like we need to say something about how it's not a good idea. Just listen to the rest of the story, guys. True.

29:51It's also cardiotoxic and neurotoxic. Yes, and also to put a damper on it even more, 20 years ago, the strength of the drugs is 50 to 100 % stronger today, and now they really do cut it with all these other things. It's insane how strong meth is today that you f*** with it once or twice, you're screwed. Those are the commercials, right? I'm only going to do meth once. This is your brain on drugs. And then it was meth not even once. Yeah, now it's so strong. And if you're primed for it, like with me with addictive tendencies and just this not enoughness and this powerlessness. Like when I was introduced to meth, I was also introduced to drug dealers at the same time.

30:28Oh, dang. So it's not like you couldn't get more. It's not like I couldn't get more, but it's also like I saw the drug dealers and I was like, what is that? I was fascinated with the power and the seduction and the glamour that these drug dealers had. And they all loved me because I was in my prime. I was a little Twinkie boy in my 21. I was like, they wanted a piece of this guy. Fresh meat. Total fresh meat. I should have been like, oh gosh, Johnny Depp's girl in blow. And she had like the fur coat and the high heels. Like I should have been that. I was that for a minute. Yeah. For gay drug dealers.

30:59For gay drug dealers. Yeah. Give me more money. You can't keep up with my habit. Like I'm going to get us a rest. You know, look, I was young and like 21, 22. I was young. I thought I was invincible because most people think they're invincible that age. And I can do a few drugs on the weekends at the DC clubs and I can get out of here. And I was in theater school in Richmond, which was 90 miles south. And so I was just being a young idiot, just messing about. I'm a drug user on the weekends, but during the week, I got my head down. Correct. That's a lot of people. I think it is a lot of people.

31:26It's a lot of people. Yeah. Nothing was wrong at that point. Yes, I started getting later to classes. Yes, the weekend crept into Tuesday and I'd get to, you know. Oof, that's what I was going to say. Once it's Tuesday, do a couple lines just to see if you go, however. I was dating this one drug dealer from New Orleans. He called me Sherry. and he was living in different hotels and I would just go around with him. He'd pay for everything. I should have taken it as a sign that one time when he was out of meth that I had an emotional, raging reaction to that. Like, I have to go back to class. What do you mean you don't have...

31:59I should have taken that as the first sign, but of course I didn't. I blamed him for all these things. I'm not paying attention to the addiction signs at this point. You're not clocking how much of this you're consuming, probably. Correct. And then I used that resentment as justification one night, because this is where the story really pivots, because one night he loved ketamine at that point. And before, now it's everywhere and people are doing it for therapy. But back then it was a new party drug that people took and went into K-holes, this kind of stuff. And so he would do that and like kind of zone out and do K-holes.

32:30And I just wasn't around him enough and realized he was a terrible drug dealer. Okay, like he just had bad business sense or something? Yeah, and look, I said that with a smile and a laugh, but like I am taking this serious. Like I'm laughing at myself because I thought it was so amusing to myself that he was terrible at drug dealing. That was my reasoning one night when all of his clients were blowing up his phone. And I knew some of them at this point. And I'm like, sorry, he's passed out. And they were like, can you come deliver it? And I would have never thought of it. And you're like, bro, the product sells itself.

33:00It's sitting over there. All you have to do is stay awake and you can't even do that. I had this rebel energy inside of me because the drug dealers I would see would make you do this song and dance and we were beholden to them. and we have to run around and do this. And on their timing, I got so resentful at all the drug dealers that I met at that point. Just give me the fricking party drug so I can go to the club and dance for a couple hours and go home. Don't make me hang out with you and kiss your ass for three hours. I hated every single second of it. And I vowed that if I was ever dealing drugs, I would never be like that and that kind of stuff.

33:29So I was already set up to like, hate all the dealers I dealt with. I'm gonna have good customer service. A thousand percent. I'm gonna be reliable. I'm gonna like, again, I know I'm laughing at this, but it seems innocent at this point. It's also funny to be like, I'm going to be the reliable drug dealer. I was the good one. Yes, I was the polished Mormon boy. I was going to like respect you and do this whole thing. And this was my first try out. I made the choice to take his stuff and I made deliveries that night. I got to cue the fireworks behind me and the rock star music because I felt like a badass.

33:57You're probably a hero to these people who've been calling for three hours. And they can't get a hold of Frank or whoever it is. The relief, half of them are already full blown addicts. So the amount of relief you could see, like visible relief was like there. The others were just partiers, but like the relief for them. And I made him all of his money and I came back. I was so proud. But like the second I walked in the door, there's like a, the, one of those cheap ass hotel coffee machines flying by my head. Cause he's freaking out. He's thinking I'm trying to steal his business. He's thinking all these crazy paranoid things.

34:23Like you're just in this for the drugs. You don't love me. You're trying to steal my business. You suck at the, like all these horrible things. And out of a resentment, I was like, you don't think I can do this? And I was like, watch me do it. Your job's not that hard. Watch me do it. Yeah. And so terrible last words because I then vowed, I was like, okay, I'm going to steal all of his clients. And again, I'm 22. I think I'm invincible. I don't think any of this applies to me, but I'm going to steal all your clients. And I'm going to prove to you that I can do this. And I'm going to get out of this because now I feel like I'm deep in this.

34:53So I spent a few months and I have some other drug addict friends who are helping me run drugs and I'm transforming. I sell drugs. I buy myself clothes. You can tell my attire's changing. I'm around my family high. I'm high all the time. How are you around your family high? Like they don't know? They can't tell? They absolutely know. They absolutely can tell. But they have no idea what to do. So they just ignore it. Correct. Denial is a very powerful thing. Yeah. I came back. Like, for example, in the middle of this, I went to my grandmother's funeral. A Mormon grandmother out in Oregon. And I had a campaign finance manager client.

35:38I had a pop star client. And that pop star had a Gucci suit, loaned it to me for this funeral. You showed up to a funeral in a Gucci suit? I did. And it's all I talked about. This very Mormon, by the way, they're all wearing floral dresses. And the guys are wearing shirts that are too big and ties too big. And I had this sleek Gucci suit. I'm like, you like my suit? And it's like my grandmother's dead body's right there. God, people must have been like, what is wrong with this guy? Correct. And then at lunch afterwards, I threw down the money to pay for the lunch of all 15 of us, however many people were there.

36:08And they're like, how do you have money? I was like, dealing some party favors. My mom's very naive. She's like, what are you talking about party favors? My dad sold, he called it hashish back in his younger years too. He would get weed in Europe and ship it back. So he knew what I was talking about. My brothers knew what I was talking about. And I was like, yeah, you know what? I'm selling drugs. And they all just rolled their eyes at me. They were like, is there like a gay mafia or something? and then they started just making a joke about the whole thing because they were like, do you guys all have matching pink guns?

36:35Like, what is this like? That kind of stuff. Nice one. Great. I laughed, but then I was really resentful. I was like, F you guys, watch me do this. But I knew I was so far in. I knew I was being an effing idiot. I knew my heart was in acting, a theater school. I knew this was pulling me away from that. I knew there was a problem here. And I was like, listen, I am getting out of this. I'm just proving that asshole ex-boyfriend that I can do this. I'm going to take his clients. I'm going to get out. It was the end of February 2003 and a very successful weekend. I did a good job of finding new people that could bring drugs from New York and other places that, whatever, I'm not bragging about drug dealing, but I figured it out.

37:13You cracked the code to making this work. Made the money, that kind of stuff. I even confronted him and been like, look what I did. And I threw money at him just to F with him even more. And I went out to my car. I won. I was so proud of myself. and in the alleyway next to the apartment building that he was staying with a friend or something, I passed out. I totally passed out. Now, I didn't say in this story so far that two months before, racing down to Richmond from the D.C., Northern Virginia area, 90 miles down, 95, after partying all weekend and still being awake, I made up a bullshit essay for art history or theater history or something, and I'm racing it down to school so I can at least keep my grades.

37:52Oh, sure. And I fell asleep. While driving. While driving. Oh, shoot. And before I fell asleep, there was no Mack truck in front of me. And then my eyes blinked and woke up, and I'm going under a Mack truck. Oh, my gosh. They have the suicide bars that kind of stop you from doing that. But I think this is at the time, this truck really didn't have it because my car was going under it. And so the back of the truck was coming through the windshield. And it was like this far from me. So you rear-ended the Mack truck, not head on. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, no. I was thinking, how are you standing here?

38:23I'm behind him, but I'm behind him and I'm going right under. Gosh, that's also obviously quite terrifying. To wake up to that, to wake up to that crunching noise and something hitting my reflexes, breaking and la la la. My dad owned a gas station and a service station and sold them and this kind of stuff. So this was his arena. So I just straight up said, I crashed the car, it's on the side of the highway. And I was so paranoid of the cops coming. I called another friend to come pick me up. So I just got out of there. As a result of that, I never showed up to court. So my license was suspended and I didn't know it or failure to appear at court or something like that.

38:57So when I fell asleep in the alleyway and I wake up to a tap, tap, tap and I look up and it's the D.C. police. They're like license and registration. I don't think anything of it as I open the window like this much like a crack and I feed the license through and I light a cigarette. I think nothing of it because I don't know anything about that. Two minutes later, he opens my door and he's pulling me out. I'm like, you know, he's like you failure to appear in court. We have the right to search you and this kind of stuff. And I'm just like, it's such a blur. It happens so fast. Other cop cars pulled up, you know, it's cornered.

39:28And they start searching me and they pull out thousands of dollars, my bounty for the weekend. I still have a lot of drugs on me, a lot of baggies and baggies of meth, scales, empty baggies. And they didn't know GHB as much. There was a gallon of this stuff in my trunk, but it was in a water thing. So I think they just thought it was water. because when I got my car from impound... The GHB was still in there? Yeah. Oh my God, dude. But you got caught with a ton of money and a ton of meth and a ton of paraffin and what, intent to distribute, yeah. Yeah, and other drugs. I had ecstasy. I had a pharmacy at that point.

40:04You know, you wanted Xanax, you wanted Viagra's, you wanted whatever. I had a whole pharmacy. Do you need Viagra when you're on meth asking for a friend? A thousand percent. Oh, you do, okay. You don't need it, but of course. Why not? Well, look, meth is broken up into categories. There are those that hyper-focus on like plucking their face and tinkering with their beauty. Oh, I've seen that. That's so gross. There are those that I've had a few clients that were obsessed with bugs in their arms. So they have scabs in their arms. I had one client, if you will, he had a room like this size filled to the top with power drills and power tools and was just obsessed with carpentry and this weird renovating a house that never got renovated.

40:40At least he was using the tools. I thought you just meant he kept them in boxes. No, no, he was whatever he was doing with those things. And then there's a large majority that's obsessed with sex. It's all about sex. I feel like that's the category I would fall into if I used meth. Well, again, it seems like the most interesting thing to do. Ocean of dopamine, where it's just like a piece of chocolate becomes the most orgasmic thing. If I have to pick between picking invisible bugs under my skin and plucking out all the hair on my face and getting those pockmarks or banging all the time, like it's an easy choice.

41:09Correct. Yes. I'm just going to say it's about my community and we're going to move on from that. But gay men are free to have sex as as often as they want, because they don't have this barrier of like feminine intuition of just being like, hey, maybe we should talk more. There are gay men like that. I'm not generalizing. I'm not just saying like, but it's just a free for all. Also, what's the reputational damage from a man having too much sex? It's pretty minimal. Correct. And now because it is to be expected, a lot of people just slip into that kind of personality. That's its own thing as well.

41:36But for a lot of men and stuff, this is early 2000s. So it's like a lot of repression. So this is, again, the power that comes. You feel wanted. You feel sexy. You feel all these things. So it's very alluring at first, but then it just becomes its whole other thing. Anyway, so those are the categories people fall into. Mine happened to be drug dealing. I was obsessed with bagging and re-bagging and weighing and re-weighing and organizing. I was very organized with my drugs. Your Google Docs are highly included. Google spreadsheets. So that was where my obsession manifested itself. I was arrested.

42:08I was taken to some DC police station. I remember being put in their cell. I'm starting to come down. So I'm just kind of like in this haze. I remember a big book. Big book is a reference to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what they call the Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember a big book and a Bible. And then Monday morning, they throw me in a white van with some other dudes. I don't know where I'm going. Open me in an underground garage, put me in a big elevator lift and then shuttled up. And then it opens onto this floor with a giant cell and there's probably like 50 other men in there. I'm very clear on this now, but then I didn't see it.

42:47But when I have told my story now, I recognize the amount of white privilege I absolutely had because also famously, DC was very racist. The judicial system in DC was very racist at that point. For example, in this cell of 50, I am one of three white dudes. It is a huge African-American population in DC as well. There's still plenty of white people committing crime that didn't happen to be in that cell that day. Yeah. Okay. So they brought me in. There was no place to sit or anything. And I'm just, I'm huddled in the middle. I just sat down and kind of just passed out because I'm passing out. Right.

43:22And then an hour later, they may have called my name and got my information. And then an hour later, I'm carted down again to some other room. I'm put in this other waiting room with 10 other men, one at a time were brought out. And then I'm brought out finally. And you watch courtrooms on TV. They're very clean and very courtroom-like, but a lot of courtrooms are like offices. They don't look like an office, but they're run like an office. There's filing cabinets and printers and people typing, and it's just like a conveyor belt. But the courtroom is a courtroom, but like an office. And I come in, and the judge is this short white man balding.

43:52And he's just looking at these two young black men, probably my age. I'm 22 at this point. And he was ripping into them. And he was saying stuff like, your community this, your community that. And I think they only got caught with like a dime bag of cocaine. I'm behind them. In my head, I'm like, oh, f***. Yeah, I got caught. I'm a dealer. I'm possession with intent to distribute. I'm effed. I'm effed. I'm effed. This is terrible. Oh, man. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I'm like, just don't tell them anything. He puts their bail at like$1 ,000. And you could tell on their faces they didn't have that money.

44:22So they got carted away. I step up. The judge looks at me. They say whatever official stuff. He looks at my file and he looks up at me and goes, son, are you in school? And I'm like, yes, sir. I go to Virginia Commonwealth University. Now, I didn't know this, but my school's men's basketball team was actually like doing the best it ever has, like the VCU Rams. And they could make it to the final four. It was a big year, huge. So I say, yes, sir. I go to VCU in Richmond. And he looks up, he puts the file down. He goes, how about them Rams? Oh, man. Jeez. I put it together. I didn't even know that was a team name.

44:58And I was like, oh, yes, sir. He's like, man, I think they could go all the way. And I'm like, yes, sir. Sure. How many years am I going to prison for? Cut to the chase, pal. And he said some other things, but his demeanor changed. He's like, son, are you still in school? And I'm like, yes, sir. And mind you, it says possession with intent to distribute. Meth, an ocean of dopamine followed by a desert of teeth. Sponsors.

45:23This episode is sponsored in part by Northwest Registered Agent. One of the best things about starting your own business is that you're building an asset that belongs to you. Your ideas, your decisions, your future, it could begin as a side project, become your full-time work, or grow into something bigger than you imagined. And when you're ready to take that step, check out Northwest Registered Agent because they handle the whole shebang. Northwest helps you establish a complete business identity, not just file a form. You can get a business address, operating agreement, domain, website, professional email, phone number, built-in privacy, all without coordinating a pile of different vendors.

45:53They've supported entrepreneurs for nearly 30 years and are now the largest registered agent and LLC service in the U.S. with more than 1 ,500 corporate guides who understand local laws and can help you along the way. Northwest also offers thousands of free guides, tools, and lawyer-drafted documents. Everything is handled in-house, and they never sell your data. Northwest Registered Agent. Don't pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for what you can get from Northwest for free. Visit NorthwestRegisteredAgent.com slash Jordan Free and start using free resources to build something amazing. Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at NorthwestRegisteredAgent.com slash Jordan Free.

46:29If you like this episode of the show, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do. Take a moment, support the sponsors. They make the show possible. All those sponsors are searchable and clickable on the website at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. If you can't remember the name of a sponsor, you can't find a code. Email us jordan at jordanharbinger.com. We're happy to surface codes for you. Yes, it's that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Sean Hemion. Yeah, and it says methamphetamine. It doesn't say marijuana or some basic ass shit. Just to be clear, at the time, I'm like, I'm just, I'm shocked.

47:03I'm dumbfounded. I don't know what's happening. Now I can see the privilege. I can see all of that. But at that moment, I'm just, I'm terrified. And I got off because of the privilege, then I'll make up for that. I don't know. I wasn't taking advantage. I didn't know. And so he looks at me and goes, all right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, son. I'm going to release you on your own recognizance, which means no bail, but you're banned from DC because we're going to keep you in school unless you have some traditional work down here, you know, lawyers and that kind of stuff. So he released me.

47:30And then I immediately realized how lucky you are and stopped dealing drugs forever? No. Oh, shoot. This is just the beginning of the story. I know, I know. I do have to shout out to Dennis Braddock. That is his true name. The actual heart of gold court appointed lawyer. Cause I was standing there and the judge asked me if I had a lawyer and this guy appeared out of nowhere. He was like, do you accept him? I was like, sure. And then this guy brought me out. It's like 9 30 AM Monday morning in the middle of downtown DC rush hours happening around us. And the guy walks me out and he's saying things.

48:02I'm just not really registering what happened. And then there's a hot dog stand. He's like, can I buy you a hot dog? I'm like, sure. He buys me a hot dog. And I'm just eating this thing. He's like telling me all the stuff that I need to do, what he needs from me. And then he looks at me. He's like, do you need money? Do you have travel fare, like Metro fare? And I'm like, no. And he gives me 20 bucks. And I'm just like, okay. He's like, okay, well, just be in touch. And then he goes back inside and does his next case. I'm just like, who is this man? I called the ex-boyfriend, the drug dealer one.

48:28and at that time it began to grow suspicion that he came out and called the cops on me. I didn't know that. I talked to him since then. He hasn't. But at that time, the suspicion continued to grow that he did. So I began to believe that he did. But at this moment, I needed help and I needed meth too. So I called him, started doing more meth. Quickly, everybody found out that I got arrested. And so suddenly in this scene, if you're arrested, you're like... Toxic. Totally. Don't trust him. Get paranoid, this kind of stuff. And then I was about to get out. So I was like, shit, I'll go back to school.

49:00I don't know what I'll do. Like I was getting out. And so I didn't know, okay, possession with intent to distribute truly at that time gets you three to five years, something like that. Right. And my lawyer, Dennis wanted me to plea. Oh, and I called my parents. Oh yeah. Oh my God. How did they react? My mom reacted in a very typical naive way. What do you mean arrested? She freaked out, which I expected her. My dad was very grounded in the reality of it. He's, he got to business right away and he was like, where's my car? You got impounded, dad. Okay, well, all right. He was very official about it.

49:32And my dad was, imagine trying to support seven kids. My poor dad, dogged, working all the time, and as emotionally available as he could be. So there's a lot of things he missed out emotionally, but he showed up. That man showed up, and he showed up for me here. And so I remember we started getting files together, and my lawyer was going to do a plea, and I was like, oh my God, am I going to prison? How long am I going to prison? I was really facing that. The federal prosecutors entered a plea to us. Hey, you say guilty, we'll do however many years, that kind of stuff. And as we were negotiating it, literally, this is so weird, half an hour later, they sent another fax, canceled that, and then sent another fax that said, you have a mandatory debriefing, which means I had to go get interrogated.

50:09I remember clearly when I was arrested at the scene, when I was being pulled away in the cop car, black suburban SUVs pulled up and plainclothes dudes got out. I think they were drug and alcohol. DEA? Yeah. And they looked like band roadies because they were wearing cargo shorts. That's either ATF, DEA, or... I remember seeing that. I remember seeing that very clearly because when I went to my mandatory debriefing, my dad drove me. It was like, go to work with your dad kind of day. My dad felt like Superman to me that day. But I went to a federal building back downtown, all marble and huge and massive.

50:42And I remember waiting in this massive lobby. It wasn't a police station. It wasn't an FBI building. It was a federal building. And up walk like two band roadies. One of them looked like Will Ferrell. I swear to God, looked like Will Ferrell with the curly hair. The other one looked like 90s bassist. He should have been in Nine Inch Nails or Rage Against the Machine. He had a Fu Manchu, and they both had cargo shorts and band roadies. And they came up. I didn't regard them because I was waiting for somebody with a suit or a uniform. Excuse me, I'm here to be interrogated by professionals. And then they came up to me, and I was like, what's happening right now?

51:17Are you guys really cops? I don't think so. Casually walked me out. They said my dad had to leave, and then they brought me into this boardroom. It was like a 30-foot boardroom table, the giant U.S. seal on the wall. I see. So you're not cuffed in like a weird kind of police situation at all. Yeah, obviously when I was arrested and that kind of stuff. But they had such a casual kind of demeanor about it. But I think it was all part of the act because when they sat me down, they sat me down across from them like you and I are right now. And they were like, we're going to ask you some questions.

51:45I made up that the backpack was found. I was like, oh, this guy Brian left it in my car. I made up some bullshit. And they could tell I was making up some bullshit. they started asking me if I knew certain people. They gave me like 10 names. And what blew me away was like, I knew some of those people in that list. Or some of the names of the last names and first names were mixed and not were split up and that kind of stuff. And I started getting paranoid because I was like, oh my God, how many people do they know about? Because I knew most of these people. This is one of those situations where they're like, do you know Reginald Timmons?

52:14And you're like, shaky's name is Reginald? Yeah. Huh. I wanted to say that's the wrong last name. That's the right first. And they said my ex, they said his name too. And then the whole time I'm like, do I say yes? Do I say no? A lot of the answers were like, I heard that guy in the club. I heard of this. Didn't know that person, that kind of stuff. And then while they were doing it, one of them was asking me questions. Will Ferrell was asking me questions. Right, okay. Fu Manchu was sitting here. And I remember him leaning back. And I remember his hand was gripping the side of the table. And then I would say an answer.

52:40I'd say yes. And then I'd hear like a, I literally hear a tap. So I did drugs that morning. So I was like, am I hearing the AC? Am I hearing things? What's happening? That kind of stuff. Mind you, I did the drug so I could have courage to walk into this thing. Because I was a full-on drug addict at that point. Yeah, right. Whenever I'm going to get interrogated by the DEA, I make sure that I'm super high. Super high. Anyway, I heard the tapping. I saw his forearm twitch. And then I realized, oh, he's like human lie detecting me. He's like watching me. And so I felt so proud of myself because I was like, I figured out their system.

53:11Not that it mattered. I don't know if I was going to beat their system. But they were like. So then it came to the point where they slipped a paper across. And on the top, it said like informant number, da, da, da, da. they told me 10 plus years. And later I found out that would have never happened. I didn't know anything about how judicial system work. And they know that. So they're going to scare the shit out of you. Correct. And I didn't know that they can only suggest to the prosecutors and then suggest to the judge how much time. I thought they said it. I just didn't know anything. So when they said 10 plus years, I was like, 10 plus years.

53:45And they were like, listen, help us help you. that kind of stuff. And I, in so many words, looked at them and I said, nobody's dealing with me. If I were to do that, I'd have to do the dealing. I have to go back and do crimes again. Correct. Yeah. That's how this works, dumbass. And then I said, but everybody's paranoid, so I'd have to do it larger. You got to do what you did in high school where you were the jock, masculine, extra guy so that they believe that you're straight. You've got to do the drug dealer version of that. Oh my God, that's exactly right. I've never had anybody put that together, but it's exactly right.

54:21They, in so many words, told me that I need to go back in and I need to continue dealing in order to get them the information. And I said, I need to deal in larger amounts to get you the information that you want. And they, in so many words, were like, mm-hmm. Great, cool. So I signed the agreement. I had the blessing of the federal government. As far as I was concerned, I felt invincible to go deal drugs. That actually, God, I shouldn't say this, sounds kind of fun.

54:44It's awful. It's absolutely - You're under pressure because you'll go to prison, but I don't need that part to be motivated. What if you just tell me to go sell drugs? It's totally legal and they're going to arrest the people that buy them from me. That's awesome. Okay. Yes. But now coming from a world where I felt incredibly profoundly lonely, right? Being the gay Mormon boy, being closeted. Nobody understood me. I was alone in this world. Now I'm an outcast with the drug addicts. I'm even more alone. But now I'm outcast from the outcast. The profound sense of loneliness that I felt was lower than I thought any human could go.

55:19So I started smoking the meth because I needed to eclipse any feelings I had in order to continue finding out information. And then it suddenly became like, I already was feeling compassion because every friend I had that was a drug addict, they all have horrible stories. And I started seeing like, oh, we're all drug addicts because we have got horrible stories. Oh, you were abused by all 10 sets of foster parents. I kind of understand why you're a mess. My best running mate, she was brutally raped at American University and then hid out in the gay drug scene because she couldn't face life or the university.

55:53She felt safe with us and safe with meth. She went to America, so she was doing well in life. Very well in life. And she became my most trusted person, but I couldn't even tell her that I was informed. Nobody knew I was an informant, right? So now the question became, who am I narking on? Am I narking? I've seen enough movies. All those movies I saw with my dad in the 90s, we know what happens to rats. Can I live with that shame the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do that. So I'm buying time. I'm buying time. And then I also know that nobody in the city would deal with me. So my plan was to wait for the city to be dry when they needed to deal with me.

56:24So that means I needed to go find drugs in other cities. So the DEA doesn't give you the meth to deal. You have to go buy it yourself? Yeah. They were in so many words were hinting at it. They could never directly tell me that go do what I was going to do. They couldn't. They could never, ever do that. Can you imagine if I'm sitting here and they literally, they gave me the meth to go deal. Can you imagine? Yeah, the defense attorney would love this. But also at that point, you're an agent of the state, right? You're an undercover. As far as an informant is, yes. But they're not going to assist.

56:54That's going to get them in trouble. So in my cell phone, the agent's numbers were just put in as yes and no. And I don't know why, but I think it was like, yes, I should narc and no, I shouldn't. I don't know. It was such a battle back and forth. But I just put their numbers in my phone as yes and no. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. So you wait for the city to be dry. You've got your emergency stockpile of meth? Yeah. Well, I started traveling to other cities. So like Miami, Fort Lauderdale, New York, New Orleans, looking for other connects, meaning other drug suppliers. And the closer you get to Mexico at that time, the cheaper it would be anyway.

57:30And I found the most luck in Atlanta, which now gets us to Stephen, the guy who got it from the cartel people. and there's about a six-month stretch before you know when i'm arrested and before my sentencing that i have kind of this window to do this thing in and prior to going to atlanta one of my runners he was a hairstylist and he would do house calls and sell my drugs at the same time so he's going and cutting some lady's hair some guy's hair yeah and he's like you need meth yeah correct and they're like sure thank you how weird is that yeah no it's perfect for what we were doing and He would always be doing my hair.

58:07And I was ruling the roost at this point. I'd have my hotel suites and just have my little minions running around. And Danny had one client and she had a boyfriend who was getting meth. Either he was in the Russian mafia or getting it from the Russian mafia. And so when I'm like before Atlanta and Steven, I'm like talking to them like, how do I do this? What am I doing? This kind of stuff. Danny offered, hey, actually, this client of mine, this girl who we run some drugs to her boyfriend trying to get in. I'm like, great, hook us up. And Danny's like, but he may or may not be affiliated with the Russian mafia.

58:47And I was like, exactly. I was like, f*** that. No. Sounds a little dangerous. Terrible. Hard pass. Not going to happen. And that's when I went to Atlanta and I met Steven. And then the horrible story happened about the young man dying and then me coming back and then me being like, I am not traveling anywhere, F this. And then the mother calling. And then I just went into this terrible pit of depression, even worse, even like the drugs weren't working. And so when you get arrested, you're first presented to the judge and he releases you on bail or not bail. And then you have the plea hearing where you say guilty, not guilty.

59:18And then you have the sentencing. And those could be months apart. And we already had the sentencing hearing. And I don't remember, did I say not guilty? I said not guilty because I was doing the informant thing. And this was after that. and the prosecutor knows you're doing the informant thing i guess they they might i don't know what to say to my face probably shouldn't do that in court exactly but after the poor mother i am just getting drugged where i can just to get by because i'm just in this pit of despair i don't know what i'm gonna do one saving grace was like i loved to go to the club and dance i would dance for hours and hours and i very specifically remember this one morning we're talking like 4 a.m in the middle of downtown DC with the only 24 hour CVS.

1:00:01This is down by all the federal buildings. So nothing's happening yet. So it's all quiet. Just the buzz of the CVS sign. And I'm sitting there drinking a Gatorade and I don't know, there's a homeless man near me and a Crown Vic fishtails down the street as I'm crossing the street, fishtails. That happening kind of freaks me out. I have my backpack of drugs, whatever drugs I do have. I'm like, I'm going to toss that. This doesn't seem right. But then it fishtails and stops in the alleyway, blocks me off, out pop the two agents. Will Ferrell. Yes and no. Yes and no. Okay. Yes and no pop out. And I hadn't been texting them.

1:00:37I made up something at one point, but I hadn't been in contact. How they find me that morning? No idea. I'm going to go ahead and say they're used to drug dealers and addicts being a little unreliable and they have ways to keep it track. I actually thought they tracked my phone. I don't think they went that far. I truly think exactly what you said could have just been driving. But it was enough to grab me. They pinned me, freaked me out, yelled in my face. They were trying to scare me into giving them more information. Do you want to go to jail? You're going to go to jail. Threatening all these things that happened to me in prison.

1:01:06You got to help this kid. Drop me to the ground, get in the car, speed away. And I'm just like, what is happening? So that happens. And then I need to do something. So I tell Danny to contact the Russian mafia guy. So I stupidly decide to go meet this guy. Again, may or may not be affiliated with the Russian mafia. What matters is at that time, I absolutely thought he did. And he did at that time. In later retrospect, he could have just been saying that. But here we are. We're with this guy. So I pull up and I meet the girlfriend first. They're staying at some embassy suites thing, just meeting me there.

1:01:41And she just is some common college white girl. I just wasn't expecting her to be like that. And then out comes Vadim. That's what we're calling him. The maybe Russian mafia guy. And the dude is dark hair and very Russian. Tank top, track suit. Gosh, these guys, man. They think they're all different. Look, and the other thing is, I might have been really high because I was like, oh, I was really struck by how attractive he was. I was like, oh, this is great. I'm attracted to the Russian mafia guy. Anyway, he and I talk some business, and he has a lot of drugs. He pulls out a drawer, and there's ounces of pink methamphetamine, which is just a stronger variant at that time.

1:02:20So he's got a couple pounds there. And I'm like, I'm salivating. And I'm like, and I know I can sell the ounces very fast. I know where to take that stuff. But I don't have money to pay for it. And so I'm like, you got to front me this thing and I'll show you. I can do this really quick. So he's like, one second, he goes in the other room, he comes back. And then he puts down this very pearl inlaid tacky gun. But it's a gun. And I've never had a gun in my face or anything like that, or just very casually puts it down. And I'm looking at it. I'm looking at him. and I'm so high that I'm cocky, that I'm just like, I loved the spirit of being a drug dealer, just that lean back.

1:02:59But I also, I wanted to die most of my life. So whatever. So if you get shot by a hot Russian mobster, no big deal. My life is over. I might be going to prison here, but I had that energy. So I was just like, okay, man, you know what? Just front me now and so I'll be right back. And I did. I came back an hour later. He was amazed that I could do that because he's been struggling to sell these things. And then he front me more and more. And then in trying that, it was extremely good. The best the city's ever had, the best I ever had. So it just shot my addiction through the roof. And what ended up happening, it was so good that I got in this time warp of just using drugs and not selling.

1:03:34The mother's voice was haunting me. I can't rat people out. Okay, maybe I should rat out the Russian mafia guy, right? That seems like the right get. Wait, are they going to go after my family now? Yeah, that's kind of the idea, right? Do I rat out the ex-boyfriend? No, he's not big enough. And he's being weird. And he's sending people to try to beat me up. So I'm fighting them. He's being like threatening, murderous. And it's just this whole like free floating of voices around me. And at this point, I can't even get up from the mattress. I'm doing an eight ball of meth a day. I'm not bragging.

1:04:05How much is that? I don't even know. At that time, like$450 an eight ball. That's an expensive drug habit. Are you paying for the drugs? Well, I'm doing the product now. Now I'm doing more product than I'm selling. so now I'm owing him money and so now I'm having to go to him to re-upt and give me more drugs and now I'm owing him more and more money and then more and more money to the point where now when I go see him he pulls out that gun and he pins me to the wall and he puts the gun to my face and he's like wants his money. Where's the money? Yeah. He's like inches from my face and I am disassociating to the point where I'm like just make out with me man.

1:04:37Just kiss me. He's like I scared him a lot and you're like now I'm around. It's funny but I'm sharing that to like the degree of disassociation. He's like, do you pay attention to the gun? Murderous guy is in my face. Stop triangle gazing on my lips and eyes and look at the gun that I have pointed at your brain. Yeah. And he started also like connecting, like his brother just had a bit, like he started being a human to me. Then suddenly I'm like, I can't. He offered the Russian meth dealer installment payments. Nothing says rock bottom like asking the mob if they take Klarna. We'll be right back.

1:05:12At Ross, you'll find everything your kids need when they go back to school. From fashion to school supplies to dorm room decor, Ross has it all. Because it isn't just the first day of school for them. It's a new year, a new look, and endless possibilities. When they walk back through those school doors, they're a different kid than the one who walked out months ago, ready for anything. Back to school starts at Ross. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Don't forget about our newsletter, We Bit Wiser. It is something specific, practical, actionable, that'll have an impact on your decisions, psychology, and relationships.

1:05:44It's an under two minute read just about every Wednesday. And if you haven't signed up yet, I invite you to come check it out. It's a great companion to the show. JordanHarbinger.com slash news is where you can find it. Now for the rest of my conversation with Sean Hemion. You're not going to shoot me, Vadim. You kind of want to turn you in. I can't turn you in. Like I can't. This is so funny, but also not because this is your life falling apart in real time. The fact that I can laugh about it now means I'm healing from it. That's the value in laughing now. But again, I've said this a few times.

1:06:16I'm not making light of my awful choices. People have died. And it's haunted me. Again, the mother's voice has haunted me. And the reason I'm sitting here, even being willing to tell the story, is because I'm still trying to reach that mother. Metaphorically and in reality, I'm trying to reach her. The sentencing was coming up. I haven't reported anything. Again, I made shit up. I sent them stuff and it wasn't good enough. And now I just don't know what to do. and it didn't matter how much I was smoking or whatever I was taking. It just seemed like none of it was working. I just, I gave up. I nobly sacrificed myself so that none of these people, these other drug addicts, who were just hurting as well as I was, they shouldn't suffer because of me.

1:07:00So I said that to myself. I was like, I overdeeem money. If I rat him, I'm worried about my family. So that felt like a noble thing to do to not rat on him. So I got nothing. And at this point, it's really obvious that I can't stop using, like really obvious. So I'm going to prison. I'm going to prison. I didn't want my parents to see it. So I lied to them. I said my prison date was, or my sentencing date was moved. So I showed up all alone, August 8th, 2013. Your lawyer was there, I hope. Dad has brought it. Okay. Yeah. So I show up and unlike all the other courtroom experiences, this one is empty.

1:07:35There's the judge. There's me, Dennis, federal prosecuting attorney. Probably seems way more serious now. And it had more of a weight to it. Yeah. I was expecting to see the two agents, but those dudes were pissed at me. I ran into them during the plea hearing, and they were pissed at me. Pissed. I was thinking they were going to show up and hammer into me, but they weren't there. So I was like, everybody gave up on me. Like, I'm expecting to hear the 10 plus years. And we get up there, and the judge, he looks frothing at the mouth to do as much damage as possible. He just does not look like a nice guy.

1:08:06And they start. He starts deliberating. It's a quick thing. But as he starts, the federal prosecuting attorney, who I think was a junior, because I look over and this guy's like my age, 22, 22. Yeah, he's like 25, fresh out of law school. No, like he's a pup. And he cuts off the judge who didn't like it. He says, Your Honor, the United States government is asking for this case to be dismissed. Oh, OK. and Dennis is just confused and the judge is confused and he goes are you sure? Yeah he was looking forward to handing you your ass I think. He was so ready for it just looking at me like some punk ass kid and the prosecutor affirmed and he said yes your honor we're asking for this case to be dismissed and the judge was like okay case dismissed right bang and that gavel just sort of like echoed through the room I didn't move Dennis didn't move Dennis was like grabbing my arm he's like don't say anything yeah this is the point if it's a movie it plays that high pitched ear ringing sound when the gavel hits and you're confused and it gets like blurry and you're looking around you're like saying something but he's underwater right don't say anything it's exactly right yes so he actually pulled me out of there I felt like I was on a bank heist I was like getting away with something that if I looked back or if I said something he found a side room pulled me in the side room sat me down.

1:09:28And this dude, he was like, he looked at me like I just walked on water because he was just like, I have done thousands of these hundreds. I've never seen that before. What did you do? And I was like, literally nothing correctly. You know what? Actually, one of the clients early on was a former federal judge, by the way. Like one of the biggest dealers in DC was a former federal judge. Okay. And I learned a lot. That was a whole other part of the story that it wasn't for today. But again, I had campaign finance managers. I had other politician people. I had pop stars. Like Like, do you think somebody was like, hey, that's my dealer?

1:10:00Could be, but not in my story. But I definitely know that's there. I definitely know a lot of the tweaker dealer boys also hustled a little bit too. And so meaning sex for money, sex for drugs. I see. So a lot of them knew people who knew people. And I believe that, but not enough to like get my case dismissed. So that was in talks. Do you have any idea why they dismissed your case? Well, Dennis was like freaking out asking me. And I was like, I have no idea. And he was like, he just looked at me. He's like, you have a second chance here. You are one lucky SOB. And then I ran out of there, but no.

1:10:33I suspect, just based on what you've told me, those two agents that gave you the informant assignment, they did something incorrectly, and that's why they were super upset. Because an informant not producing for you, okay, that happens all the time. They're literal drug addicts. They did some weird thing where they either said you did something or they were supposed to do something the proper way and it didn't happen. and then when the prosecutor asked them, they were like, and the prosecutor's like, shit, we cannot let us get out. They were covering up their tracks. Something like that, yeah.

1:11:04Oh my God, they were covering up their shit. Something like that. I've never thought about it that way because for me, it was like, I just imagined case files this large. We got to get rid of some of this. Maybe, but they could have also been like, yo, plead guilty. By the way, we have a ton of evidence that you did this. You were at your sentencing. There wasn't going to be a trial. That's not the time where they go, we don't have the resources to stand here for eight more minutes while you get sentenced. Come on. True. Okay. Yeah. No, the case was going to fall apart. Something bad was going to happen on appeal or something like that.

1:11:35I want to believe that because I genuinely either have made myself feel bad or I felt bad because I refer back to the white privilege. And now I'm not going to disregard that. That happened with your bail hearing. That's for damn sure. That for sure was there. But I like to think people, regardless of privilege or no privilege. I still treat the system like I didn't get out of jail because I'm white, maybe in some counties, but I don't think in the DC. I think they were very serious about the law. So I like what you're saying for that reason. I'm guessing yes and no, we're already in custody for some people.

1:12:07That's what I think happened. I do have that federal prosecutor's name and he's still working. One of these days I want to email him and be like, Hey, can you just fill in the gap? Because it would make a lot of people more understandable to my story and me as well, because I've done these podcasts and people in the comments do not like that my case was dismissed. Oh, because they wanted you to go down or something? Not to lay too much judgment, but I was acting in criminal behavior, but it was almost like people, when they're joining a cult, don't realize they're joining a cult. Like when you're doing criminal behavior, you know you are, but I never thought of myself as a criminal.

1:12:39Sure, most people probably don't, yeah. Exactly, thinking of themselves as a bad person. I remember in the courtroom around the sentencing hearing, the way people looked at me, I was like, why are they looking at me like that? And I was like, oh, they think I'm a criminal. I'm the bad guy. Yeah. Not everybody thinks that like people can change, people grow, people like live in the grave, people, all these other kinds of things. And it's like, I broke the law. So many people break the law. Yes, my case got dismissed. But do I feel bad about what I did? Sure. But most of that damage was towards myself.

1:13:07Do I feel like I could have acted sooner for the young man that died? Yes, I do. Is there a lot of context to understand why I didn't act sooner? Yes, there is. It still doesn't disregard that this young man died. I can't take that back. My behavior added to the possibility that this young man died. It's very clearly evident what I did to his mother. I can't take that back. Do I deserve to go to jail for 10 plus years for hanging up on her? No, but I definitely deserve finding her and listening to her and hugging her and crying with her and telling her like, hey. Yeah, that's a tough thing to carry.

1:13:42I mean, I hope you're able to find her through this. It seems like maybe a Southern Christian woman's not listening to the Jordan Harbinger show. But you never know, man. Somebody could hear that and go, hey, didn't your son pass away from drugs in this area? Spring of 2004 at an Atlanta area hospital. There's probably a lot, but it's not tens of thousands. He was extremely attractive, and he looked like an Abercrombie model. Yeah, it's very possible when you start hitting the numbers. What made you finally choose to give up the drugs and go to rehab? When they dismissed your case, did you say, oh, good, I was getting clean anyway?

1:14:16Or was it like, let me go do a bunch of drugs and celebrate the fact that I'm never going to prison? You would think getting your case dismissed would be your wake-up call. No, I don't know. I don't know, man. I was a damn good drug addict. Let me just tell you that. Yeah, you're persistent, disciplined. No, it turns out being an informant for the federal government and going to jail wasn't enough of a bottom for me. that running mate that girl who was at american i she was living in an abandoned apartment and so i needed to go live with her in this flooded out abandoned apartment i needed to do drugs just for myself i needed to do whatever i could do to get those drugs and i just couldn't stop that's all i knew i just couldn't stop and i used the excuse like yeah i'm celebrating that kind of stuff but what changed was two weeks before my 23rd birthday which was the end of september she came to me and she was like really nervous to tell me she was like hey i think i want to get help and i think i'm gonna go to rehab and listen again referring to the 90s movies i watched train spotting i watched the heroin addicts in the haunted hill or like whatever or requiem for a dream so in my mind truly rehab was for heroin addicts like really down and out clearly i wasn't down and out.

1:15:31I'm fine. Yeah. Living in an abandoned apartment with another drug addict. I'm fine because I'm not shooting up meth yet. So you can inject meth. I didn't know that. Oh, somebody, that's their favorite way. No, no, everybody does. No, no, no. I was a full blown addict, but I resisted shooting it up because that meant I was a true addict. It's a complete and utter lie. You can be a full blown addict just by snorting it. Like it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how you take it. It's just when you're shooting it straight into your veins, it's hard to say that you're a casual user at that point. Now it's like five oceans.

1:16:01Like it's very obvious at that point. So I thought that was rehab was for heroin addicts or people who actually shot it. But when she said rehab to me, I genuinely looked at her and I was like, you can do that? Did not know. She's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, maybe I'll do that. Hey, two weeks is my birthday. We'll have a going away party. Oh, sure. Yeah. So she lied in the back room depressed and staring at the TV screen for two weeks. I partied for two weeks like a f***ing maniac. So part of the clubs, DC had a club called Velvet Nation. Not there anymore. The baseball stadium is there. By that point, of course, all the clubs knew me.

1:16:39I was the dealer. I was the guy. So they gave me space to have a going away party. And I was like, I'm going to get sober. Like, I don't know what the hell I was saying. But then it was supposed to be that next day, that Sunday morning. And I was supposed to call. When all the friends left and I was finally alone, I was suddenly staring at the pipe. And I was like, this is when I make the call. And then my body picked up the pipe and started smoking. And then watching that happen was the first time truly physically realizing I have no control over my body. My body was doing it. And I started crying because then I was like, okay, I'm an addict and this is a life I have to accept.

1:17:11There's no stopping this. And I went through everything. I grieved the loss of my parents, my family. When I got to being an actor, I was like, oh, my dreams of all that stuff like just shattered me. And it was the weirdest experience because suddenly letting all those things go, it was as if like I got punched in the stomach. I fell backwards. The pipe fell to the ground. It was like sizzling. And then, oh, I remember the little boy that was abandoned when he was four. That's what did it. I remember that little boy walking home when he was four. It felt like nobody was there showing up for him.

1:17:41And he showed up for himself and he walked all the way there and he did that. When I got to him, grieving him that I'd have to give up him, that's when I got the gut punch. I fell back. I got up. I don't know how to describe this other than saying it was as if I I woke up from a long slumber, a coma, and I came to. I literally touched my body. It was like, and I looked around. I was like, where am I? Realizing the whole story that just transpired. And I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I was dumbfounded. Like, all disillusion shattered. Whatever denial I had, shattered. And this tiny window of clarity opened up.

1:18:17Like, clarity. Is this the rock bottom thing people are talking about? This is the window of clarity that comes from an absolute shattered rock bottom. Because at that moment, I couldn't connect any thoughts. I couldn't connect thought and I couldn't speak. And I thought I actually went crazy. Then I was like, you done it. You done the worst thing. Now you're going to be a muttering man on the homeless man on the street corner. I thought I had done it. And, but in that was this moment of clarity that came from that. And I remember crawling to the bathroom to look at myself and just sobbing. and then I fell down the twisty stairs and I crawl back to her in the back.

1:18:50Her name is Kate. In my book, I call her Lexi, but Kate, I remember she was lying on the blue mattress and she turns over to look at me literally crawling in there. Girl took one look at me and then just said, oh my God, and just started crying. And we just held each other and cried and cried and cried. And we knew what it was all for. And then it was like, what do we do? Because we could feel this moment, this window, like barely holding open. And we're like, what do we do? What do we do? So we opened the yellow pages and just picked any rehab. We didn't know what to do. And this voice of an angel was like, so sweet.

1:19:20And she was like, we have beds tonight. Can you make it to tonight? And I'm like, sure, okay. We hang up. We're like, yay. And then I go back upstairs and I'm like packing, but then I'm looking at the pipe and I'm like, I'm gonna use all these things. So I called the ex-boyfriend. I'm like, I'm getting sober. Come take all the drugs. You need to come over here and take this right now because I wanna use these things. And then Kate, she's like, I'm not gonna make it. I need to call my parents. And we're in D.C. Boston is 8 to 10 hours away. Where she's from? Okay. Where she's from originally. And she called her parents and then hangs up with them.

1:19:51And she's sobbing because she just said, I need help. And her parents were like, we're on our way. And they got in the car like 20 minutes later. So they're shooting down. They're coming down. So he's coming over to get the drugs. All the other, for some reason, I don't know, it was like zombies. All the other drug addicts and people I used to deal with, they start showing up because I think he started telling people. So it's like these zombies are inside. Yeah. It's just like, what's happening? So I don't know what to do. And so I'm like, I should call my parents. Yeah. How did that go? Man, I had been struggling with my mother, struggling.

1:20:21But Sunday morning, 830, she's rushing for church. The phone rings. She picks it up. I swear to you, all I said was, mom. And she goes, where are you? That's it. It was like the mama bear waiting for that call. Told her where I was. They knew exactly what the call was. And my mom and my dad were like on their way. So they're coming and Kate's parents are coming. The ex shows up, grabs the drugs. He's like, why are you leaving me all dramatic-like? Then I realized I owe Vadim money. Oh, shoot. I forgot about this guy. In real life, this was a phone call. In my book, I made him actually show up in person.

1:20:58But what we said to each other was exactly the same. He had been harassing me for six months. For sure, yeah. Six weeks harassing me. Threatening me now. I'm going to hunt you down. I know where you are. And like murderous. He's been ringing this whole time. Finally, I just pick it up. I was like, I got nothing left to be honest. And I pick it up and he's surprised I picked up, but he's breathing heavy. He's pissed off. And I'm like, Badim, I'm going to rehab. Pause. You can do that. He said that? This is so funny. My editor for the book, even though it was true, like he truly said that. He's like, you can't have you both say that in the book because it sounds so unbelievable.

1:21:39It works in a movie. It's swear to God. He said, you can do that. And I said, yeah, man, you can do that. And then a long pause and very wistfully, he goes, I've always wanted to sell real estate in Baltimore.

1:21:54Okay. Follow your dreams, bro. I said, you can do that. You might have to put on a shirt for the first time in 10 years. And then there's another long pause. And then he goes, you know what, man? And I own thousands and thousands. And he goes, you know what, man? Forget about the money. Wow. Because I said, hey, I'm going to go to rehab and then I'll get a job and I can pay you back in installment plans. Yeah. And he's like, dude, I don't need to be taking checks for 79 cents from a drug addict. I just think it's so funny. I'm telling this massive drug dealer, like, I'm going to pay you in installment plans.

1:22:22Do you take Klarna? Yeah. What are those things like on Amazon? Yeah, exactly. You're going to pay installments. So he just said, forget about the money. Best of luck. I don't know why he was feeling so inspired. Or maybe I gave him the window for his out. I don't know. I've never talked to him ever since then. I have no idea what he's up to and that kind of stuff. And then my parents arrived, and then we drive off into the sunset. I slept for two weeks straight in their basement, and then I went to rehab for 28 days. Gosh. Actually, is Kate okay? Do you know her? Yeah, no. Out of the entire story, some people have died, as expected, but Kate's in Vermont.

1:22:54She's doing very well. She's still sober. Even the ex took a while, but he eventually got sober, and he's been in a long-term relationship with another dealer from that time period who's also sober. They're over there. I don't know. Sometimes we Facebook. But she's doing well. What about your relationship between you and your mom? Because you're married now to a man, spoiler alert, right? So is she like, okay, I accept this and I love my son, or is it still God wants you to marry a woman and have eight kids? How's that going? I will say the Mormon church overall, they have so far to go. They've been a little bit more open now, but early sobriety days, I clung to my mother and just the help that she gave me, rehab, moving to LA, this kind of stuff.

1:23:34It was all I had. But then we had a schism around 2008 because in LA, Southern California, or all of California, we had the Prop 8, which was the amendment to the gay marriage. That is great because it was like, yay, Obama won. Whoa, California just made it so we can't get married. Okay. And the Mormons were behind that campaign. And so it caused a schism with my eldest brother, who's not Mormon anymore, but at that time he was, and with my mother. So at that time, my mother finally left my father. I joke, it took her 28 years, but she did, all for the better. And she came out to California where she had some friends and she was like, yeah, I think I may vote on it, which to me was just her saying, I don't believe you should ever get married to the person you love.

1:24:14And that drew us apart. I got more recovery, you know, a lot of 12 steps, a lot of therapy, a lot of support. I just healed and stayed sober and healed and stayed sober. I had a lot more clarity about the situation with her and I and then it came to a head around 2015 and I was like, I'm going to keep some distance from you for a while and then, which rocked the family, but it was all for the best because we all came back together. And in such a new loving way to the point where my mother walked me down the aisle at my very gay wedding. Yeah, which was allowed because she apparently lost the vote on Prop A.

1:24:49Exactly. The irony of that. Yeah. She genuinely was like tearing up and grateful and happy. And however she's reconciled her faith with her favorite son, however deep that goes, I don't know where that is. I do feel the love. I do feel the support. I do feel the compassion from her. I feel all of that. So it's a beautiful journey that she and I have been on. Speaking of mothers, if that young man's mother contacts you tomorrow and says, look, I want the entire truth, but I want it face to face. What is the first thing that you do? And what is the question you're most afraid she's going to ask you?

1:25:26I would immediately get on a plane and go to her physically. I would fly to her. I don't know if I'd have the words at first. I do feel like a well of tears. I probably would just hug her and cry with her and then just be open to any and every question that she has for me and any and all resentment, hatred, or any kind of thing that I'm ready and willing to take all that. I'm open for that. I'm not saying I as a human deserve that, but I'm saying I have the capacity to receive that for my choice of actions, regardless of how paranoid high, probably on day three of being awake, regardless of my choices.

1:26:08I still get to take responsibility for them. Sean Hemian, thank you so much. Yes. Thank you very much. This was such a joy. Big thanks to Sean Hemian. He went from good little Mormon boy to meth dealer to federal informant to owing a Russian supplier thousands, then tried to settle the tab with installment payments because apparently even the drug underworld has semi-reasonable payment terms. The easy ending would be, case dismissed, rehab, 21 years sober, mom walks him down the aisle, clean little redemption bow. But the honest ending is messier. Sean still can't undo the young man's death or the call from his mother that he hung up on.

1:26:43He can only tell the truth, stay available, and get on the plane if she ever asks to hear it face to face. That's the difference between shame and accountability. Shame says you're a monster forever. Accountability says you did harm. Now become someone capable of facing it without running. All things Sean Hamian will be in the show notes at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discount codes, ways to support the show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Six Minute Networking also always free and always available at sixminutenetworking.com.

1:27:14I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. And this show has created an association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Tata Sadlowskis, Ian Baird, and Gabriel Mizrahi. Remember, we rise by lifting others. The fee for the show is you share it with friends when you find something useful or interesting. In fact, the greatest compliment you can give us is to share the show with those you care about. If you know somebody who's interested in redemption stories like this or might even know the person that Sean is searching for, definitely share this episode with them.

1:27:45In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time.

1:27:54We'll be right back.