877: Blame's All Mine — Her Personality's Borderline | Feedback Friday

22:55So that's something to remember too. Sending you good thoughts. Hope you're back behind the wheel drop and boxes full of our sponsors' amazing products to our listeners' doors in no time. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Use a descriptive subject line. That makes our job a lot easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in the mailbox, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're at war with your stepson's mom because he prefers to call you mom, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com.

23:24We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, by the way, we relaunched the newsletter for the show. It's called We Bit Wiser. It's a bite-sized gem or two from a past episode from me to you delivered right to your inbox once a week. If you want to stay connected to our huge library of past guests and ideas, come check it out. A lot of good feedback on that so far. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a guy, and I recently got engaged to my wonderful fiance. As we start planning our wedding, my mom has been inserting herself into places without us asking her to.

23:59For example, when we were talking about centerpieces, she said that she could design and make some centerpieces and started rattling off ideas. We didn't ask her to do that, nor did we want her to do that. This is a normal thing for her. For example, I recently graduated university, and the morning of graduation, before I was awake, she posted two different things on social media without my permission. I usually don't like posting on social media, but I wanted to show off something I worked so hard to achieve myself, and now I'll never get that chance again unless I go back to school. Another example is when I got into a friendship-ending argument a couple months back.

24:34During the entire argument, my mom kept calling and texting me wanting to know what was on my mind, the details of the argument, whether I needed to talk to someone. I understand that she was slash is trying to help, but it's becoming a bit overbearing and intrusive. We also work for the same company. I work the IT help desk and she works in manufacturing, so our paths cross sometimes when she puts in a ticket. But she constantly messages me through Teams at work. That's like Slack, right? Yeah, Teams is like a corporate messaging thing. Some people use Slack. It's sort of like, think about instant messenger for your office.

25:09While I don't mind having friendly conversations, it feels like she's always messaging me about stuff I don't really want to talk about. One day, it got so bad, I muted her. I've talked to her about boundaries before, and she tried to manipulate the situation in a way to make me look like the bad guy. I put my foot down, and she changed for a bit after that, but has since reverted back to her old ways. This is now starting to affect my fiancé, too. As we plan the wedding, we find ourselves trying to hide things or avoiding certain topics so my mom won't put her two cents in. I love my mom, but I almost wish she weren't as involved in my life.

25:43How should I proceed in this situation? Signed, a groom-to-be, still wrestling with a meddlesome mommy. Oof, this is a real challenge. And you are not alone in this situation. Tons of people struggle with this pretty much exact dynamic with their parents. It's especially common and complicated with mothers and sons. And it can do a real number on everyone involved. I mean, y 'all saw Everybody Loves Raymond. There's a reason that's funny because it hits close to home for a lot of folks. So what you're describing here sounds like pretty classic enmeshment. A mother who's overly involved in her son's life, a son who struggles to disentangle himself from his mother, the fact that this is all becoming more intense as you get engaged and plan your wedding, I just, I don't think that's a coincidence.

26:29We can't know what's going on in your mom's head, but my hunch is that watching you build your own life with your fiance, which, by the way, you're supposed to do, that's probably very painful and scary for her, even if she can't articulate that. So on some level, I do feel for her, although she's going about this all wrong, in my opinion. So look, the obvious answer here is that you need to radically redefine the terms of your relationship with your mom with the help of some very strong boundaries. But you already knew that, and you already tried that. And when you did, she tried to manipulate the situation to make you look like the bad guy, which is, I think that's very telling.

27:10That fits with a parent who has designs on their child in this way, but then you put your foot down, which is excellent, and she changed for a bit, that's kind of a big deal. I think that's huge, actually, because it means it's not impossible. But then you say that she's since reverted back to her old ways. That is what I am most interested in, how those boundaries you drew slowly eroded over time, how each of you, bit by bit, maybe in ways neither of you consciously recognized, rolled back that healthy separation. I'm guessing that your mom was very unsettled by the hard stance you took back then, which makes sense.

27:46It's very upsetting for a parent like this to find herself on the outside of her child's life after being so enmeshed for so long. And there's an entitlement here. There's a power element. There's a sense of I'm your mom, so I deserve to occupy this place slash you're my child, so you owe me this. So for a child to go, hey, mom, this thing we've been doing for decades. Yeah, not doing that anymore. Don't DM me during the workday. Don't blow up my phone when I'm going through something private. I'm not going to pick up the phone if I'm hanging out with my fiance. If I want your help, I'll ask for it.

28:20Just imagine how threatening that is to a parent like this. Right. You did nothing wrong by drawing that line. It was actually the best thing you could have done. But yeah, I can imagine your mom going to great lengths to kick that door down again, because it sounds to me like her survival, I mean, her emotional survival depends on it. But I really feel for you, man. I mean, you're caught between empathizing with your mom and appropriately resenting her for this. Yeah, I can hear him kind of ping-ponging between those two stances in his letter, which is interesting. When you said that you know she's just trying to help in her own way, I think that's very thoughtful of you.

28:54You know, you're doing a great job trying to understand how she is experiencing all of this, what her intention is, even if the methods are a little annoying. And I think that's sweet. But I don't know, man. I would take a moment and really consider what helping actually means here. Because yes, in a way, your mom might be trying to help with the wedding or trying to help by asking you if you want to talk about that friend you fell out with, stuff like that. But I suspect that that help is often tinged with an agenda that has little to do with making sure the wedding goes off without a hitch or your relationships are excellent.

29:28I mean, I think a lot of the time her help is a way to stay connected to you. maybe even to control you sometimes and ultimately to secure her position in your life as you build a new one with your fiance. The truly helpful thing would be to say, hey, you mentioned those centerpieces for the wedding. I had a couple ideas. You know, I don't want to insert myself too much, but I can share them if you two want. And if you like them, you know, I can handle that. Would that be welcome? You know, what can I do? That's helpful. Or asking you if it would be okay to brag about you on Facebook before you had a chance to, you know, or offering to talk to you about your friend once or twice if you need a friendly ear, that's helpful.

30:05And also what an enmeshed child has been trained to interpret as helpful is often something very different. And the fact that you can still empathize with your mom so much that you're looking for the most charitable read on her meddling, that's also part of what we're talking about here. Right. Okay. Like his understanding and his empathy toward his mom, those might actually be products of the enmeshment itself. Yes, precisely. They're not bad things. They're wonderful qualities. But those are qualities that an enmeshed parent often cultivates and in some extreme cases exploits to secure this kind of identification.

30:39And you can see how that would make it hard for this guy to say, look, mom, I love you, but I need you to back off and I need you to let me handle things on my own. Because that might feel very cruel or like a betrayal, which under the implicit rules that this mom created, it might be. What's that movie with John Candy where he's enmeshed with his mother and she goes on all the dates with him? I don't know. I've not seen this movie. Oh, you haven't? Oh, gosh. It's super fun. Of course, I have no idea what the title is, but basically, whenever he wants to set a boundary with his mom, it zooms in on his face and he's visualizing the most ridiculous, horrible situation that could possibly happen with the mother.

31:16Is it called Only the Lonely? It might be. I don't know. She ruins all the dates and it threatens his relationship. and it's really insane. But that's what most of us know about enmeshment, right? That's where we go. That's where our head goes if we're 80s kids. But the good news is, okay, he's already onto that because like he said, she's now becoming overbearing and intrusive. So clearly he knows this isn't as simple as wanting to help or at least that mom's help comes at a very steep cost. A steep cost both to him and his fiance. And I'm really glad that he sees that because she's the other person who's being impacted here, right?

31:51she's almost caught in a kind of love triangle with her fiance and her mother-in-law, which also not uncommon. And until they both set some firm boundaries with her, I think his loyalty and his time and his energy will potentially always be split with this other woman. A woman who, by the way, also works in the same office. Can we touch on that for a moment? Yes, please. That's a fascinating detail in the context of everything that he shared, isn't it? It is. I'm so curious to know how that happened. Did she get him the job? Did he get her the job? Did she follow him there? Did they apply together at the same time?

32:25It's so, what are the odds? Now, that actually sounds like a John Candy movie. My mom and I are both applying for factory positions. I would love to know the answer to that. But however that happened, so bizarre, that situation. I think it's meaningful that this enmeshed son is struggling to separate. And by the way, mom works down the hall from him, basically. I know, it's so Laverne and Shirley, but like dysfunctional version. Totally. Mother-son edition. it can't be healthy. It's unusual even for a well-functioning family that's not a family business. But like you said, Gabe, given the problem here, the fact that they still work at the same company, it just gives me real pause.

33:01I don't want to go and say you need to quit your job tomorrow because it might not be possible. I don't know what this guy's professional situation is, but I do think this unusual work situation is one more thing to look at here. I mean, sending him 20 messages on Microsoft Teams before lunch while he's trying to patch an app until he has to mute her. That's just weird. It's a real problem. So the good news is you already understand that this is not healthy and you're willing to draw some hard boundaries. You've done it before. You can do it again, hiding things or avoiding certain topics. That's what people often do when they're avoiding these tough conversations.

33:37Then they cramp around the problem. They sidestep the other person. They start playing games. And I get it. This stuff is not easy, especially with a parent, but it is essential, man. My strong feeling is that this wedding is an important opportunity for you to redefine this relationship once and for all. Because if you don't, this could become a real problem in your marriage. And by the way, you can put your foot down again and keep it down while still being loving and respectful. Your mom might get angry, she might freak out, she might push harder to stay close, and you might have to draw the lines even more strongly, but you can do that and still be a decent guy.

34:18Part of your work here is realizing you can be firm without being cruel. That what feels cruel in a family like this is often actually healthy. Congrats on the wedding. I hope it's a great night. We're rooting for you guys. You can do this. Gabriel, you know, this reminds me, a friend of the family here, and I gotta be sort of careful because I don't know all the details and also I don't wanna speak ill of somebody when I don't. Okay. But her son got engaged. It's a friend of my mother-in-law. And she complained that she also wanted an engagement ring from her son. What? When they got engaged.

34:54Yeah. No, that's not a real thing. What? It's a real thing. Hold on. She wanted an engagement ring from her son-in-law. Right. So he gave an engagement ring to his fiance, as one does. Sure. And the mother was like, yeah, they got engaged. And she told my mother-in-law and a bunch of their friends, like, I want one too. Wow. Yeah. And what's the implication? Like, I'm part of this thruple? Like, I don't understand. That's a good question. I guess it was just like, where's my ring for being his mommy? That's super weird. Next level. I've never heard of something like that. Everyone else is having a laugh, and me and Jen kind of side-eye looked at each other like, It's going to be a no for me, dog.

35:32It was so weird. Such a weird request. It was sort of like tongue-in-cheek kind of joking, but also definitely not. I see. That's, yeah, I'm a little freaked out by that one Yeah Damn, parents and their children What are they doing? Yeah, just not able to leave Allow the child to leave the nest Speaking of inappropriate relationships Let's hear from the amazing sponsors who support this show We'll be right back If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday And you found our advice valuable I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do Which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors To learn more and get all the deals, discount codes and ways to support the show all in one place, go to jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

36:14You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website as well. For the ultimate lazy hack, email me jordan at jordanharbinger.com. I'll dig up the code for you and put it right in your inbox. Thank you so much for supporting those who support the show. It does keep the lights on around here and I appreciate it. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a female veteran who got out of the army last year due to a medical discharge after falling off of a truck and tearing my shoulder. In my time in service, I was one of the only female mechanics in my shop.

36:48I'm sure you can imagine the sexism I had to endure while I was there. I was assaulted twice, roofied, betrayed by my leadership, and treated as the source of many people's problems when I wasn't. For example, broken vehicles or somebody's angry day. I had terrible toxic leadership, which makes me not trust any authority, and I have issues with criticism. I also dissociated most of that time. For example, one time I told a superior that I had to go see my therapist, and he said, quote, I know women have their periods, but that doesn't mean you have to go to therapy about it, unquote. Once I had my injury, I was always considered less than, so I tried to seek help within by doing talk therapy with counselors who were high-ranking officers.

37:32I once confided to one of them that I wanted to off myself, and they told me that I needed to quote-unquote get up and get over it. That made me feel terrible and made me not want to seek help. Eventually, I ended up in a mental hospital due to my anxiety from the trauma. Now that I'm out, I got an amazing job as a court reporter that I absolutely love, and I'm in college working on a bachelor's in graphic design. I'm also in therapy and about to start EMDR, which I'm really excited about. The only problem is that I've been having lots of flashbacks, which are now affecting my job. I had four panic attacks in one hearing, and one client made me very uncomfortable, and reminded me of some of the men I dealt with during my time in service.

38:14Some days are harder than others. I'm the only veteran in the company, and I don't know how to explain to my company what's going on with me, and why I act one way and then forget almost everything the next. I'm afraid of being fired from this job due to all this mental health crap. How do I explain the flashbacks and other symptoms to my employer without making it seem like an excuse? How do I frame this in a way that just puts into context why my work is never consistent? Signed, The Panicked Mechanic. Oh man, you have been through a lot here. And I'm so sorry to hear about all this. The sexism, the assaults, this mistreatment, the hospitalization.

38:50This is incredibly painful stuff. Especially because it sounds so isolating. You know, doing it alone and there's not other people in your unit that can relate to you or won't relate to you. We've actually heard a lot of stories, far too many stories, about the prevalence of assault and sexism in the military. So unfortunately, this kind of tracks. Interestingly, I hear often from men in the military and they'll say things like, this never happens. You know, the guests you had on, they are exaggerating. But of course, female veterans, they send me like 10 times more emails about how this happened to them as well.

39:23So I'm starting to see part of the problem here. I don't think every guy in the military denies it, but I think a lot of men probably do. And it seems to be this sort of silent, maybe not so silent epidemic. Or is it silent if people refuse to hear and see it? I don't know. Is that the same thing? Although to be fair, we also heard from a female lieutenant colonel in the army recently about all the ways the army is stepping up and doing right by victims. So I do want to give credit where credit's due, although it doesn't sound like that was your experience, of course. Regardless, this sounds like trauma after trauma, both the assault and then the denial, the blame, the indifference.

39:58My heart really does go out to you. It's devastating. And we wanted to run this by an expert, a proper expert, so we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. I'm also known to the people who know me the best as the f***ing doctor. Dr. Margolis also worked at the VA for four years, including her postdoctoral fellowship, so she has some great experience and insight into what the military can be like. And on this very practical question you're asking, do you explain these symptoms to your employer? Dr. Margolis said that there is not one clear answer. On one hand, we can definitely appreciate why you'd feel the need to give him some context about why you had a panic attack or why you behaved a certain way.

40:40If I were in your shoes, I think I'd probably have a similar impulse. On the other hand, you don't necessarily owe your job an explanation. and you're certainly not obligated to tell them personal or mental health information. Also, I understand you've been struggling here and there at your job and I hear you, but I also hear a ton of talent and resilience in your letter. I mean, look at you. You got this amazing job that you love. You're probably pretty great at it most of the time. You're in college, you're in therapy, you have meaningful goals, you have a lot of life experience to bank on. So there's another part of me that wonders whether you might be over-indexing these moments at work where you struggle a bit and maybe struggled in a way that was very intense for you, but possibly less noticeable to other people.

41:26And maybe you're under-indexing all the moments where you were probably doing a pretty darn good job at work and everybody noticed that instead. I'm not dismissing your concerns. They're legitimate. I'm just inviting you to consider whether the anxiety and discomfort are all your employer sees in you, even if it feels that way, and whether they tell the full story about your performance, and I suspect that they don't. But if you decide that you do need to get out in front of this a little, I get it. The way that I would frame this is, listen, as you know, I had an unusual reaction in that hearing.

42:01I just want to give you some context about what I'm going through so that when I behave in a certain way, it's not confusing to you. And then you can tell them in very broad terms, if you like, that you went through some very difficult stuff during your service. That stuff comes up sometimes. It's totally up to you whether you want to tell them the details. I'm personally leaning towards not, not at first anyway. Speaking in some general terms here seems right to me. And then you can cap it off by saying something like, so that's why sometimes I get anxiety or I respond strangely to a client. And I want you to know that I'm working on addressing all this so it won't continue to be an issue long term.

42:38That doesn't sound like an excuse to me whatsoever. You're not saying, hey, I'm having panic attacks so I can get my work done. I need you to go easy on me or let me off the hook. You're just providing information for your employer to catch up with you. And part of that is also being disciplined about how much you say, right? Like if you go on a 12 minute monologue about everything that happened and why you're so worried about your job, that might come across as an excuse as kind of over explaining rather than a very simple, look, this is what's going on. I just want you to know. Thank you for being understanding while I work on it.

43:11Exactly. Dr. Margolis also pointed out that this might be a great thing to work with your therapist on because your therapist will probably have more details and nuance about your situation and can help you find the right words as well as help you unpack the idea that all of this might come across like an excuse, because I do think that that's an interesting fear. And as Dr. Margolis pointed out, that might be a bit of a holdover from your experience in the army. Yes. And also maybe this fear of judgment or retaliation, if she does share this with her bosses, you know, we talked to Dr. Margolis about that too.

43:46And she said that that makes a lot of sense given the trauma that you've experienced. So her thought there was, you might also want to talk to your therapist about how to plan for whatever response you get back from your employer. In a perfect world, a good boss would say, hey, thanks for letting me know. I appreciate your honesty and your transparency. Just do your best and good luck. And I certainly hope that your employer responds to you in that way, but you just never know how somebody is going to respond or whether your bosses are equipped to understand what you're going to share with them.

44:15So I'm with Dr. Margolis. I think it would be great to talk to your therapist about how you'll respond or how you'll cope if your boss doesn't respond in the most helpful way or if they respond in an unexpected way. Because given your history, that could feel pretty invalidating and it might be triggering all over again and create some new issues. Yeah, that makes sense. Although again, I have this weird feeling that she's probably doing a lot better than she realizes. I do too. Totally up to her whether she wants to have this chat with her employer. But before she does, I would just take a beat to get really clear on how well she's performing objectively.

44:48so she doesn't end up explaining something that doesn't necessarily need to be explained. It's kind of like, you know when you're younger and you feel like everyone's looking at you and focused on your stuff? Totally. That's almost what this sounds like. It's a very fair point. She's so impressive in so many ways, and I do wonder if what she's been through in the army has possibly colored her perception of herself and also maybe made her hyper-vigilant and a little paranoid about what other people think about her because of the way people treated her in the past in a number of ways. Exactly. And I'm sure that's a big part of the work she's doing in therapy, which I'm so glad to hear she's doing.

45:22So keep up the great work. Keep taking care of yourself. What you've been through is objectively difficult and confusing stuff. But you're doing great. And it sounds like things are getting better. And we're super proud of you. Sending you a big hug. Wishing you all the best. All right. What's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I are in our mid-20s, living in a major U.S. city. I have a lot of friends from college who are here now, but my boyfriend was a commuter, so he didn't make many college friends. He's also outgrown his high school group. He likes my friends a lot, which is great, but it feels like he's been relying more and more on them for his entire social life.

46:00He'll keep organizing group stuff with just my friends and not his, hitting them up to hang out one-on-one, tell me things about their lives as if I don't already know, and once even joked about how he feels like he has to compete with me for some of them. I've tried encouraging him to make friends himself through local groups, but he won't take the initiative or says he doesn't like the people there. I'm getting increasingly bothered by this and have started to feel weirdly possessive of my friends. To be clear, this definitely isn't a cheating thing, just a social thing. I'm also worried about what would happen if we break up.

46:34I can't explain why this bothers me so much when I should be excited that they get along. And I cannot think of a way to bring this up that doesn't make me sound like a total a-hole. What would you do? Am I just jealous? Signed, trying to describe why I'm circumscribing my tribe from my overly friendly guy. Ooh, interesting situation. It's so hard to know exactly what's going on here. It sounds like this is confusing for you too. Part of the distress is not knowing exactly why this bothers you so much. Gabe, I don't know about you, but I'm getting the strong sense that this isn't so much about the friends and who gets to claim the friends, but more about what this whole friend situation says about her boyfriend.

47:14Yeah, I'm with you. When she said that she encouraged him to make his own friends, but he won't take the initiative, or what did he say? He's like, eh, I don't really like the people in my pickleball league or whatever. That felt like a meaningful clue. To be fair, those pickleball people can be a little hit or miss. So bad. Yeah, that was terrible. I kind of liked it, but it was terrible. Honestly, I don't know who plays pickleball, actually, now that I think it feels like everyone and their mom or dad is into it now. So I can't, yeah, maybe I can't, we can't really comment on the personalities you'd encounter in the pickleball league, would you?

47:47Everyone in there enmeshed mom, for sure. Like I said, my dad plays, he's 80. It does cut across ages and types though. At first I was like, oh, it's just racquetball 2.0. And then tons of my friends are super into it. Or you see people online that you know, and they're just like practicing my backhand. And they're just taking a three minute video of them hitting backhands. I'm not clear on the pickleball demographic now that we're talking about it. I don't know why we're still talking about it. It's like, isn't it people who love tennis but hate exercise? Yeah, it's people who want to play giant ping pong.

48:18Actually, but I've been reading about this. Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America. Did you know that? Yeah, it's interesting. It is really taking everything by storm. It's always being written about in like the New York Times. Pickleball taking over. Pickleball leagues. National pickleball. It's just, it's very, it's kind of surprising. I mean, it looks fun. And I know it blew up during the pandemic. But I don't know. I don't really understand the sport. I need to maybe read up on it or play it or something. I think my dad started playing because it's outdoors, and so you're not stuck in a racquetball court when maybe those were all closed and they're all indoors.

48:51So, yeah, I understand that appeal. I like the idea of her boyfriend playing pickleball but going, nah, those people are lame. I'm just there for the love of the game, man. But what the hell are we even talking about? I'm not sure anymore. Your boyfriend probably doesn't even play pickleball. He's into something else. lawn bowling or slack lining, color me mine, pottery parties. We don't know. That's the one. The point is he's really tapping into your friend group and that doesn't sit well for whatever reason. So I wonder if maybe what's rubbing you the wrong way is that your boyfriend is overly reliant on you or seems that way.

49:25And that makes you wonder about his ability to form relationships on his own. It maybe makes you feel a little bit responsible for him. In addition to the fact that you might have to compete sometimes for your friend's time or that it could complicate your friendships if you guys ever did break up. Not that you're thinking about that. I think your theory is a really good one, Jordan. But if that's true, then my question is still why? Like, does the fact that he wants to be friends with her friends actually mean that he struggles to build his own relationships? Or does she feel that he doesn't have enough of a life of his own because she finds it kind of uncomfortable or maybe unattractive for him to be so dependent on her and her friend group?

50:04That's an interesting question. I think it is kind of an unattractive trait when somebody is completely dependent on you. That's not great. It's almost like financial dependence also. I guess we'd just be speculating, but I do see what you're getting at. Although, you know, I gotta say, I do find it a little weird that all of his friends are also her friends. Whether she views that through a certain lens or not, it's just, that does strike me as a little odd. Like, come on, man, you don't have one friend from childhood? He didn't make one friend in college? and when she tells him to make his own friends, he won't take the initiative or says like, oh, I don't like the people that I know.

50:39That paints a picture for me of a guy who might objectively struggle to make friends and that doesn't mean he's a bad person or anything, but that is an issue. Sure. Because this isn't just about who they hang out with or who takes priority. It's about their identities, their lives apart from each other. Yeah, yeah, that's a really good point. Part of her anxiety here might be, is my boyfriend really his own guy? Like is he just subsuming his life and his identity into mine and dropping into my world because he can't or won't build one of his own? Exactly. I mean look she said she likes that her boyfriend gets along with her friends.

51:13She's not worried about cheating. She doesn't sound like a particularly possessive or paranoid person. Right. So my gut tells me that this is just making her realize that her boyfriend might struggle in this department. And that makes her feel some type of way. I mean look she's already thinking about what would happen if they ever broke up. this could be the reason that they do. So I do feel you're allowed to bring this up with him. I understand that it's delicate and you don't want to be an a-hole and I think there's a way to do it kindly. The way that I'd approach it is rather than call him out for spending too much time with your friends, I would ask him what it's been like to drop into your friend group.

51:50Why he doesn't seem to connect as well with the people in his own life. What might be stopping him from finding the groups that he likes more and just invite him to talk about that. try to appreciate the way he forms friendships and what's been hard for him instead of going, you know, I need you to stop going to Color Me Mine with Ainsley every Sunday because Ainsley is my friend and Color Me Mine is our thing. And you need to find some friends to watch MMA with or we're done. Or, you know, she could just buy him a pickleball racket and just hope he gets the hint. Also an option. Go make some friends.

52:20It's a very social sport. My dad's always up for a game, by the way. Yeah. The court is so small. You can have a full on conversation with people while you play, honey. Maybe that's why people like it. I could see that. Tennis, you're just yelling back and forth. You probably can't get too deep with anybody doing that. Anyway, some interesting information could come out of that conversation for both of you. Maybe he'll help you see why he likes your friends or why those relationships are meaningful to him and you'll feel more comfortable with it. Maybe you'll help him see that he could use some friends outside of your circle and figure out why building new relationships is hard.

52:54And as you talk, you might also work your way towards some of those other feelings, like your annoyance when he tells you things about your friends that you already know, or any jealousy you might feel, or that joke he makes about having to compete with you for some of them. That is kind of annoying, and I can't put my finger on why either. My guess is that he does that bit with her because he knows that this is all a little weird. Right. Like he's trying to get out in front of it a little and make fun of himself before she can be like, why don't you have your own friends? Also, that joke might be a good window into this conversation about whether he's totally comfortable with this arrangement too, right?

53:27I agree. Yeah. Give it a go. See where you get. I feel like there's a healthy balance here where he has a life of his own and he can be friends with your friends. And that's probably a good goal. Anyway, you can't lose Ainsley in the breakup. That's for damn sure. Ainsley's a real one. That person you can do color me mind with at 11 PM on a Thursday as a keeper. So tell your boyfriend to work on his pickleball serve and meet some Steve's to go pound beers with after their fake tennis slash weirdly big ping pong match. Good luck. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in this week and everybody who listened.

53:57Thank you so much. Go back and check out John Kennedy, Kelly Richmond Pope, and Dave Farina with Skeptical Sunday on Ayurvedic Medicine if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have always come through my network, the circle of people that I know, like, and trust. And I'm teaching you how to do the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. It's 100 % free. It's not gross. It's not schmoozy. You can find it on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course. These drills, they take just a few minutes a day. I wish I knew it 20 years ago.

54:29Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build those relationships before you need them. You can find it all, again, for free at jordanharbinger.com slash course. Newsletter, We Bit Wiser, a bite-sized gem or two from a past episode from me to you delivered to your inbox once a week. If you want to keep up with the wisdom from our 800-plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out, jordanharbinger.com slash news. is where you can find it. Show notes and transcripts at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support this show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

55:02AI chatbot on the website to make things easier. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn and Gabe is on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Eden Baird, Millie Ocampo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis' input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience.

55:34It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with someone else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show about how you can be affected by ransomware and cyber attacks on the rise now all over the world.

56:06We still don't know just how deep the Russians are into our government systems. It's not as if we would see a Russian hacker inside the State Department's network and they would scurry away. They would stay and fight to keep their access. And when I went and interviewed the guys who were brought on site to remediate and get the Russians out of those systems, they said, we'd never seen anything like it. It was like hand-to-hand digital combat. So it's going to be at least a year or more before we can stand up and confidently say we've eradicated Russian hackers from nuclear labs, the Department of Homeland Security, the Treasury, the Justice Department.

56:47And now you're seeing ransomware attacks that are taking out pipelines and the food supply that just come down to a lack of two-factor authentication and bad password management. That's all it takes. How do you trust that any of the software you're using is secure and not a Russian Trojan horse? How do you respond to an attack aggressively when you yourself are so vulnerable? We live in the glassiest of glass houses. That makes escalation, you know, that much more of a risk. So yeah, we might have sharper stones than others, but our adversaries can just come back and say, hey, they just blew up this pipeline, or hey, they just turned off our lights.

57:30We're just going to go hit them. And then you get into this cycle of escalation. And that's what I worry about is the cycle of escalation. And I think we're getting close enough that I think we're going to see a cyber attack within the next four years even that causes substantial loss of life. For more with Nicole Perlroth on what the U.S. should do to push back against cyber warfare, check out episode 542 on The Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Conspirituality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling New Age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy-mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation.

58:11It's called the Conspirituality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future, to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies. An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that.

58:40From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspirituality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics. Find Conspirituality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.