889: Win Against Addiction Uncovers Old Afflictions | Feedback Friday

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26:46A week later, though, I still had that weird feeling, and a big argument followed. To this day, she says she booked the hotel, but didn't go. I then found this guy's partner of five years on social media and told her what I knew. She told me that he told her that he and my ex did go to the hotel and slept together. How did she not see that coming? Had to know that was going to happen. I think at some point people just pray that they're not going to dig a deeper hole than they do. But man, good recon there. That's some meddlesome-ish. But man, that is quite a revelation. I hate that it came to that, but obviously I guess I'm glad you found out.

27:25Over the next week, my ex told me there were also a couple of coffees before work, but it, quote, wasn't as bad as you think it is, unquote. And that over the two months, it was very on and off. At no stage did she ever just lay it all out for me in one go. Something I asked for several times. Now I'm struggling with who to believe. I believe that everyone involved has gone to ground and will stick to their own truth. Still, the information I confirmed was enough for me to end the relationship and tell my girlfriend to leave the house. But I still love her. And for some reason, I don't hate her, even though I think I should.

28:03I've never seen her so upset, so apologetic, and in so much pain. She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, but my god, she has over the last few weeks. She's stubborn as a rock, so to see her clearly suffering has been eye-opening and made me question the whole situation. I truly thought I would marry this woman and settle down. Now I'm left feeling dejected and a bit lost. I want nothing more than to be able to forgive her and try again, but deep down, I know this will rear its ugly head in the future. How could I forgive her? How could I ever trust her again? Is it even worth trying? signed aching for the enemy and contemplating clemency amidst this infidelity.

28:43Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Finding out that a partner has cheated on you, especially when you really love and thought you'd marry, is extremely painful. And what you're going through right now, you're right in the thick of the aftermath. That's a super intense and confusing place to be. And emotions are running high. You're torn between protecting yourself and wanting to stay connected to your girlfriend. It's dramatic. It's messy. It's crazy making. It really sucks that things played out this way. And my heart goes out to you, man. This conflict you're stuck in, I'm angry at her, but I love her.

29:16I don't hate her, but I think I should. I want to get back together, but I can't trust her. All of that is super normal. Your head and your heart are all over the place. Things might feel that way for a little while as the dust settles. But you have touched on something very meaningful here, which is how you're responding to your girlfriend's pain. She's upset. She's apologetic. She's suffering, which is appropriate because, you know, she freaking cheated on you, bro. She banged her boss and lied about it and continues to lie about it. You don't talk to somebody's partner and then they say, oh, yeah, my partner told me they slept together.

29:49People sugarcoat the story, right? So he didn't say that it was worse than it was. You have to take the partner at the word and be like, oh, OK, he told her that maybe not even the worse version and it was worse than the version she told you. And by the way, coffees before work, I don't mean to be crass, but that definitely doesn't mean coffee before work. That means something else. I don't know if it's parking lot handjob or what, but it's definitely not coffee. They could have been caffeinating up. That's true. But is that it? Is that all that's up? Different ways to get energy in the morning for sure.

30:17But it's a bit sus even just to go to Starbucks four times a week before work with your boss. It's irresponsible financially, that's for sure. But look, you're watching her go through it. You're seeing a side of her she doesn't show very often, and that's been eye-opening. That's making you, as you said, question the whole situation. And that is what I am most interested in here. Why her pain, her frankly warranted and self-created pain, is having the effect of making you question whether you were right to say, hey, sorry, but this is wrong. You've hurt me in a profound way, and I don't know if we can be together.

30:49And to be clear, I'm not saying she's consciously doing this, it's not like a tactic or manipulative. I assume her suffering is genuine. I really don't know. But what I'm hearing is that her suffering is going through a few filters in you or flipping some switches. And those filters are returning the result that you're saying, maybe I'm overreacting here. Maybe I'm being heartless. Maybe I just need to forgive her and give this another shot because watching somebody I love hurt this much is brutal. And that's a response. I would just pause and sit with that. Because again, your girlfriend's reaction, it is appropriate.

31:25It's healthy. It makes sense. She hurt you. She destroyed your relationship. And she knows that she's ashamed. She's feeling guilty. She's scared to lose you. That's definitely really hard to watch. Okay. In some twisted way to hear me out here, you might even feel like you are the one that is making her suffer, which for the record, you're not. I'll say it again. She cheated on you, not the other way around. But none of this means that you are wrong in pulling back and reassessing this relationship. I am so glad that you zeroed in on this, Jordan, because that's really the crux of his conflict, how her feelings seem to have a way of infecting his outlook on the situation.

32:03It's a very interesting co-production between the two of them. As confusing as the situation is, I do think your next move is actually pretty straightforward. I would take some time for yourself. Take some time apart, dude. With every week that passes, things are going to become clearer. And once the intensity of these feelings ratchets down a little bit, you can start to pick them apart better. You can maybe have some conversations with your ex about why this happened and where this leaves you guys. And you're going to be in a much better place to balance your feelings with her feelings. Also, this feeling of being dejected and feeling lost, that is also very hard.

32:37And I think you need to go through a phase of mourning, really, the relationship that you had or the relationship you thought you had and coming to terms with a great deal of uncertainty. Which actually might be one of the hardest parts of this for him, just accepting that there are a lot of unknowns ahead and that's always scary. Yeah, that's often the most terrifying part of a situation like this. So once you go through that phase, then you can decide how to proceed. I think you know that an affair is a huge blow to any relationship. It It always signals some more fundamental issues, maybe in the relationship, maybe in the party who cheated, possibly in the innocent party and how they respond and how they operate in the relationship or all of the above.

33:19But if there's a way forward for you guys, if that's ultimately what you want, then it'll require a lot of conversation, a lot of work, right? The kind of work you're probably best off doing in couples therapy because this stuff is so complex and it might take some time and it'll definitely take a willingness on both of your parts. but I gotta say, especially hers because she generally doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve which I think is an interesting detail a willingness to acknowledge some very difficult material and to work through that with you but you're gonna have to see if you have it in you to truly forgive her you know, for some people, an affair like this unforgivable, right?

33:53it's just too damaging for other people, depending on the circumstances it can be a crisis that reveals some really important information and it's an opportunity to dig into that information maybe hit the reset button and try things in a new way. But that's something you'll have to learn by exploring this both on your own and by talking with her. I agree, but honestly, Gabe, if he doesn't even want to try because something is irreversibly broken here, I think that's fair too. For sure. It's all fair. If it were me, I might be like, sorry, you ruined it. Peace, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm young.

34:25We don't have kids. Come on, man. It's really hard to forgive somebody for doing something like this. Sure. It's hard to trust somebody again. It just might not be worth trying. And listen, just to give you a little more perspective, I hope it's not too soon to say this to you. Maybe what I'm about to say will only make sense in another month or something. But at some point in the near future, if you're not already there a little bit, you're going to look back at this and you're going to go, man, that was horrible. But that kind of had to happen. I don't know why that's going to be the case for you.

34:54It's just always the case. Maybe there was an issue you guys were avoiding. Maybe your girlfriend had some qualities or some conflicts to address in herself. Maybe she wants a different kind of relationship. I don't know. Maybe there's a communication problem that surfaced after all of this. And that actually runs a lot deeper. It's hard for us to know, but any number of things could be happening. I say this not to minimize what you're going through. It's objectively painful. But just to remind you that these things don't happen by accident. Something is always driving them. And that something needs to come to the surface one way or the other.

35:26if you want to have an honest relationship, if you want to have a well-functioning relationship. The price you pay for that coming to the surface is this pain that you're in. But the pain, I think, usually is a symptom of a very important process. Yeah, well said, Gabe. Look, I've never been cheated on by somebody I was in love with and wanted to marry, but I've definitely had my heart broken personally or professionally, if I can relate that way. And every time that it's happened, I've always arrived at that place that you're describing. It's not immediate. but my only caveat is that getting to that place, it really does depend on how you navigate these transitions.

36:02If he uses this crisis to learn more about himself and his girlfriend and his needs and how he operates in relationships and all that, then this breakup is gonna be very fruitful whether they get back together or not. If he just kind of buries his head in the sand, suppresses the pain or quickly forgives her without doing any of the work, then he's gonna miss that opportunity. But given his email, I feel like he's gonna do this the right way. I know it's going to serve him really well. So that's our hope for you, man. Again, so sorry this happened. I know this is brutal and sucks. It completely sucks.

36:32But you're going to be okay. And there are some really important lessons and insights ahead. So take care of yourself. And we're rooting for you. And I guess, yeah, time to reinstall Tinder or whatever. And maybe, who knows, maybe you'll match with your girlfriend's boss's ex. That would be incredible. Yeah. Karmic justice. Karmic justice. And just write us an email. We'll take that on the show. I would love to hear about that. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in the mailbox, your stepdad's got your nudes, or you're trying to figure out what to do about your sociopathic pedophile grandfather, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com.

37:13We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Okay, what's next? Hey guys, I just learned that a law firm in Ohio had their internal network hacked. and my name and social security were among those acquired by a quote-unquote unauthorized actor. The firm offered a 12-month membership to Experian Identity Works as compensation, which was part of an extremely generic information letter written in legalese. I don't know anything about this law firm. I've never worked with them before. I did attend college nearby, but that's the only remote connection I have to the area. I called them to ask how they obtained my social security number in the first place.

37:49The person answering the phone, did not engage, and just kept repeating the statement, I've been advised not to answer any questions on the matter. Please contact Experian for more information. So I called Experian. They read me the letter I received in the mail verbatim for an escalation, and a few days later they left me a voicemail informing me that I was either a former client of the firm or that they had obtained my information by acquiring a smaller firm, neither of which is true. I called back and asked for it to be re-escalated, but I never received a follow-up. The firm won't answer my questions, but they also haven't provided Experian with the necessary information.

38:25All I know is that these people are supremely talented at CYA. Do I have any legal recourse here? Any steps I can take to learn how they got my information? How can you engage a lawyer on an issue when they're determined to protect themselves? Signed, an unwitting victim trying to figure out how they tricked them. Yeah, this is super annoying and unfortunately pretty common these days. Hackers are getting more and more brazen and creative and a lot of cybersecurity just doesn't exist, right? Sadly, that means a lot of personally identifying information, PII, is ending up on the dark web. We really, as consumers, can't do a whole lot about that, but we did want to get a handle on your legal options here.

39:05So we reached out to the one and only Corbin Payne, attorney in front of the show. And Corbin confirmed what you said, that this firm's refusal to communicate fairly with you is clearly some good old fashioned ass covering. He obviously doesn't know how the firm got your information, but he did wonder if they could have gotten it from a client. Corbin has reviewed contracts on behalf of clients with the other party's social security number, date of birth, stuff like that. It's all right there on the page. So it's possible that your information fell into the firm's hands through a similar route, you know, an employer or something like that.

39:37That said, attorneys are bound by rules of professional conduct. So I would Google Ohio's rules of professional conduct and see what they say. Corbin is not licensed in Ohio, so he can't opine on any specifics. But generally speaking, Corbin said that every state has a rule about client confidentiality. You might not have even been a client at the firm, but it's very possible that your information came to the firm through a client and that information is out there. Corbin said he would want to know whether this was really the fault of the firm or whether it was somehow out of their hands. And I can't imagine how that would be if they had your information, how it would be out of their hands, but who knows.

40:14Corbin also pointed out that a best practice for law firms is to have a suite of good security tools and protocols in place. If they had the best defense systems money can buy and they still got hacked, they probably didn't reach their professional responsibilities. But I know hackers look for easy targets. If they have some cracker Jack security package, which is almost certainly the case, and somebody got in because they were just sleeping on this, then as a general rule of thumb, they probably did breach their professional responsibilities. Also, there are rules in place regarding how lawyers communicate with a pro se party.

40:47In other words, somebody representing themselves without a lawyer. What they convey to you, their duties of candor, which basically means their obligation to tell you when something has gone wrong, stuff like that. I would also look up those rules to see if the firm has breached those as well. So given all of that, Corbin's take is he doubts that it would be worthwhile to retain an attorney and personally sue these clowns. But he did say that a class action lawyer might be a good option to explore. Law firms are supposed to have malpractice insurance. So a cut of a reasonable settlement for this could be a just outcome for you and also for everybody else who was impacted.

41:22I am very curious to know how many other people were impacted. It could be dozens. It's everybody who the firm had on file, which is thousands of people. It could be a lot of people. And if it's a big firm, it's tens of thousands of people. The main challenge, though, will be getting a class action attorney interested. Corbyn said that going up against a firm of other lawyers can be a little bit daunting for some attorneys. But this isn't his area of the law, so, you know, don't take that as gospel. Just book a few calls and see how different lawyers respond to the story. If dozens or hundreds of people were affected by this breach and this law firm truly screwed this up, this could be a pretty good case.

41:58Yeah, you're going to look for cybersecurity or privacy lawyers who've done class action lawsuits. And yes, it's daunting to go up against a firm of lawyers. These are also firms of lawyers that go up against other firms of lawyers, not necessarily as a client. But if you sue Procter & Gamble for this, they're hiring a big firm of lawyers too. Maybe it's a little personal because this is the firm who's the client and they're going to represent themselves. Someone's up to this challenge. Trust me, there's a lot of money when it comes to this kind of thing. Corbin did mention one other avenue to consider and a much easier one potentially, which is reporting this firm to Ohio's Board of Professional Conduct.

42:31In Corbin's view, this firm should at least be able to tell you whether you were a client of theirs or some firm they acquired or something along those lines. The fact they haven't said anything about that struck him as odd and strikes me as odd as well. And if they're not playing ball in their communications, that could be an issue. If nothing else, Corbin said these complaints are supposed to trigger the board to send the firm notice that a complaint has been filed, and that might be enough to kick them into action. We're gonna link to Ohio's Board of Professional Conduct in the show notes for you.

43:01So there you have it. It sucks, it's maddening. You do have some options, and I know that this question was a little drier than our usual Feedback Friday smorgasbord of craziness, but you would not believe how many emails we get about this kind of thing. So many people are being hacked, their data's gone online, compromised somehow. It's just a crappy part of modern life. So we thought we'd tackle this one with CPain's help and hopefully help some other people listening right now who are dealing with breaches like this. So good luck. Gabriel, you know it's a great use of that class action settlement money.

43:33It is the amazing products and services that support this show. Yep. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by The Gist Podcast. If you're looking for a news podcast that is smart, unfiltered, and doesn't just echo whatever side you already agree with, check out The Gist with my friend Mike Peska. Mike's been doing this longer than just about anyone. It's actually the longest running daily news podcast. It's earned that spot on Apple's top charts for a reason. Each episode's around 30 minutes, so it's perfect for your commute or while you're making breakfast. It's always packed with sharp, thought-provoking takes.

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44:26He's got that rare mix of wit, skepticism, and depth that makes even heavy topics fun to listen to. And he's a great dinner guest, just saying. So if you want your daily news with more brains and less noise, check out The Gist with Mike Peska every weekday on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. Back. If you liked this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate and probably good-looking listeners do, which Just take a moment and support our amazing sponsors. To learn more, all the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show, those are gonna be at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

44:57You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website or email me, you lazy SOB, jordan at jordanharbinger.com. I'll look up the code for you. If that's what it's gonna take, I'm here for it. Thank you so much for supporting those who support us. I really do appreciate that. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I grew up in a martial arts family business. After college, marriage, and a few kids, I came back for eight years to run my parents' dojo for them with plans of one day taking over. Near the end of that time, my stepdad battled skin cancer.

45:32He went to radiation treatments, alone, acting like it was no big deal. He was too proud to let my mom really be there for him, and I believe this is when their marriage problems began. Soon after he was cleared, COVID hit. We started losing students and money fast. I decided that it was best to resign and move my wife and kids out of the state to start fresh. A week later, my parents asked if I would consider returning to the dojo. With nothing to lose, I said that I would stay if they gave me 100 % of the business and finally retire. I offered to save the dojo, cover a few of their bills, and occasionally hire them for business coaching or teaching if they wanted to be involved.

46:10So my stepdad signed over his half of the business and proceeded to sell the house, split assets, and move to a tropical island without my mom. Whoa. Our family was devastated and the students were shocked, but we covered for him, saying that it was part of his cancer recovery journey. I decided to keep my mom on as a partner since she was always the brain behind the scenes anyway, and I stopped calling my stepdad. Slowly, we rebuilt the business and proved that we didn't need him to succeed. Two years later, he moved back to town. When people asked him what happened, he said that my mom and I stole the business from him in a weak state.

46:45That kicked off a wave of staff resignations and membership cancellations. He began recruiting high-ranking students and even my instructors to train with him at a competitor's dojo. My stepdad now says that I owe him six figures. Without that, he says I won't get my dad back and my kids won't get their grandpa back. He also says that he'll continue to do everything in his power to harm my business. I offered to pay him to teach or even get a handsome commission on students he recruits, but he doesn't want to work for me in any capacity. Up until now, I've kept my side of the agreement and continued to pay his bills every month.

47:21Wow. I haven't been a perfect son, I'm sure, but I have kept the door open to a better relationship. Do I cut my stepdad off completely? Do I pay him this money? Do I stage an intervention and get him mental help? signed a sensei trying not to give way to this foul play in a family melee. Wow, what a mess. This is all really unfortunate, especially because so much of it, I mean, pretty much all of it, sounds completely unnecessary. I know we're only going on your story here, but you sound like a pretty chill, thoughtful, responsible dude. I mean, humble too. Look, what you did for your family business, how generous you've been with everyone here, too generous in my opinion.

47:59I'm finding it hard to imagine that you did something egregious to provoke your stepdad in this way. What could it be? I don't understand. His stepdad agreed to sign over his half of the business to him. He didn't steal it out from under him. This was all on the up and the sound of it. Plus, to your point, he's gone above and beyond in helping this guy. He did not owe that to him at all. Which is why I'm honestly mystified by this dude's antics. A big part of me wonders if his stepdad just knows he can get even more money out of him if he continues to make his life difficult. So he's using every tactic at his disposal, which from what we're hearing is basically threats, attacks against the business and emotional manipulation.

48:34Which is very telling, right? He's not going, hey, the terms of this deal were unfair or you didn't honor our agreement. You need to make things right. He's going, I don't like that you're running the business better without me. So you have to write me a check for$200 ,000 or you won't get your dad back. Right, I'm not going to be your dad. Your kids won't have their grandpa around. That's a different thing. Yeah, they also, I'm making it my life's mission to destroy your business. First of all, pure sour grapes. And I'm very familiar with this type of situation, given what happened to me when I split off from my last podcast in company.

49:04They didn't give a crap until we were successful, and then it was lawsuit galore. And it happens with petty assholes, man, which your stepdad definitely is. And meanwhile, our boy here is still offering him a job. He's still offering him a great salary if he brings students in. And the stepdad is going, nah, I just want the lump sum, and I want you to fail. Yeah, this isn't business. It's emotional warfare. It's extortion. It's dumb. It's petty. And it's boring. Also, I don't mean to diminish the stakes of this because I know that this business is very meaningful to him and his family and I respect that.

49:34But let's just remember, we are talking about a family-owned karate dojo. This isn't succession. There aren't billions of dollars at stake here. The stepdad is going to war over a place where they're teaching classes and they're handing out purple belts. I mean, again, I'm not like diminishing what they've built. For anybody who doesn't know, I did karate for 10 plus years and it was a huge part of my life. So I love this world and I respect it. But come on, man, like relax a little bit. I don't know, man. You don't watch Cobra Kai. You don't know how serious they take the All-Valley Tournament either, clearly.

50:05I haven't seen that show, but everybody says it's so good. Is that true? It's really good nostalgia. But yeah, there's like full-grown adults who are like doing crazy things. And it's like, if I win, you never teach karate again. It's like, okay, relax, dude. This is like North Hollywood, California in the valley. Just relax. Move to Sherman Oaks. You'll be fine. I did forget about that. You're a black belt, yeah? I am, yeah. Yeah, it's so wild. I feel like I only found that out a few years ago, and I remember being shocked then, too. It was such a big part of my life. I was, like, competing every weekend.

50:37I was nationally ranked at a few points. Like, it was a whole thing. Ranked in what? Sparring. Oh, yeah, okay. I was actually pretty good. I was, at one point, I want to say it was 2003, I think I was second in the country. No big deal. Wow, this is like blowing my mind. How you went from throwing badass roundhouse kicks to the dome to sipping Chagachinos at Cafe Gratitude. That is an absolute mystery to me how that happened. How did you know my favorite beverage at Cafe Gratitude? That's so weird. So you don't do it anymore, obviously. What, Chagachinos? No, that's in full swing. I mean martial arts.

51:10No, I stopped. I stopped training when I went to college. I just got interested in other stuff. Got it. Anyway, I just say that because I didn't mean to shit on this guy's dojo. It's an incredible— These businesses can be great, and I really loved martial arts. I just mean that the stepdad is going to war over something that feels very not worth it, in my opinion. Look, Cobra Kai never dies. That's the point of this tangent. Back to the other black belt in this story. Not to be callous here, but it's not like this guy went through six months of chemo and was on the brink of death, and our friend here shoved a contract in front of him in the hospital and made him sign over the business when the morphine kicked in.

51:42Good point. His stepdad had skin cancer. I'm sure that's horrible for many people, but he himself said it wasn't a big deal. Then he ditches his wife, I don't know, has an immediate midlife crisis, leaves town and goes to a place with more sunlight. Can't really put that together myself, but that's neither here nor there. I don't see how our friend here conned him when he was vulnerable or whatever. This is just a total fiction that is designed to destroy your business because of his ego. So do you cut your stepdad off completely? I mean, yeah. I would also sue his ass, to be honest, but that's just me.

52:14There's tortious interference. He's messing with your business. He's making up lies, which are potentially defamatory. I definitely wouldn't keep paying his bills if this is the approach he wants to take. You've been more than fair with him to the point where I feel like this arrangement is unfair to you, and he's not engaging in good faith. So I think your stepdad has already effectively made this decision for you. You can keep the door open to a better relationship if he approaches you in a very different spirit, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that. This guy is a piece of work. And should you pay him the money?

52:47Hell no. You guys negotiated fairly. He agreed to sign over his half of the business for what it was worth at that time. Now he regrets it. That's his problem. What he's doing is essentially extortion. Do not capitulate to him. If you do, he's gonna ask for more. He's not gonna undo all the damage. And here's the thing about egotistical liars. He's not gonna go to all those students and all those other people and be like, yeah, I made the whole thing up, my bad. He's just gonna double down or ignore the problem. It's not going to repair the damage to your business once he gets a check. Anyone in this position has seen this movie before.

53:19Although the fact that you're even entertaining paying him this money is interesting to me. Maybe you're just a very generous person, but maybe being generous is also a way to keep the peace and avoid conflict. And that's something to consider. Like I alluded to earlier, I do wonder if this stepdad knows that his stepson is maybe an easy target. He's a guy that maybe he's always been able to sort of bully everybody to get what he wants. Sensei Kreese over here, I'm just going to get whatever he wants. Strike first, whatever it is. Maybe he just knows he can get something out of you, which again, look at the sympathies he's playing on.

53:51I'm guessing he knows exactly which pressure points to hit. And that might be why it's so hard for our friend here to stand up for himself. I agree completely. So do you stage an intervention and get a mental help? No. First of all, not going to work. I don't think the guy is going to respond to an intervention from the guy who, quote-unquote, stole his business from him and who is now his competitor. More importantly, not your job, dude. All you need to do is get clear with yourself about what you can tolerate from this guy, what kind of relationship you want to have with him, which is not much of a relationship at all from the sound of it.

54:23I think it's pretty clear that this relationship is severely damaged, which is very sad to me because I know you guys were family. But a lot of this was his choice, and that's just his stuff to work out, not yours. Yeah, this is a no-brainer for me. From here on out, focus on yourself and the dojo. Keep building a great business. He can whine and threaten and talk crap about you till the cows come home. And he'll probably continue to do that as long as you ignore his baseless demands and continue to crush it. But that's your reward here. You're doing a great job of running the business with your mom.

54:53That is driving him crazy. That's why he's attacking the business. He's not calling you with another sob story. He's not harassing your mom or whatever. He wants you to fail. This guy won't be happy until you fail and or he gets even more money from you, ideally causing you to fail. That kind of tells you all you need to know. And I'm sorry things played out this way, but it sounds like you are better off. This a-hole split the assets and he thought he was doing it on his terms and he was gonna ride off into the sunset and be the happy one and now he's the miserable SOB. That's what happened. Be grateful that this crap didn't happen before your parents got divorced or he would be making this so much worse for you and your mom.

55:31You have options now. And I also hope your mom doesn't take this scumbag back. I doubt she will, but who knows? He knows what buttons to press. Tell him to frickin' screw off to Tahiti or wherever he thought the grass was greener. He made his bed. Time to sleep in it. All right, next up. Hey guys, I joined my current company many years ago, largely because of its values. And I've been eagerly awaiting the day I can step up to the plate and make a difference for the people who need it most by leveraging my abilities and my passion for people. But I've been in my newly promoted role for almost a year now, and very little has changed.

56:04Also, the founder recently passed away, and we've been restructuring our labor model. I'm seeing this organization slowly turning into another device that squeezes its stakeholders and employees to the point that they have little to nothing left. I feel defeated. It seems no matter where I go or what I do, the bottom line always trumps morality. If profit margins were to decrease ever so slightly in order to provide a few more perks or stability to our people, heads would roll. Do you believe that there's a way for an organization to strike a balance between give and take? Or should I simply give up and become another cog in the machine?

56:40Signed, confronting the schism in late capitalism. Ah, yes. The wheels of capitalism grinding all of us down. I think most people listening right now can relate to how you're feeling, right? Hashtag America, et cetera. It can be a bit depressing and demoralizing sometimes. So I get why this is troubling you. I mean, it's greatest engine of upward mobility in history is capitalism. But yeah, I mean, to each one of us on any given day, it can be kind of a pain. So first of all, let's acknowledge something important. All companies, even the nice ones, even the cool ones, they all exist to turn a profit.

57:13That is why they are companies and not hobbies or co-ops. In the system that we operate in, the bottom line always ultimately wins out. Profits always trump morality. And although, look, we can debate what that morality really is, reasonable people can disagree about what a company owes its people, that's another conversation. Now, there are obviously still better and worse companies out there, so obviously a company's values are quite important, but depending on how cynical you are, you could argue that the nice companies out there are only nice because it makes them more successful. Google is not feeding all of its tens of thousands of employees for free just because they want everybody to have a full belly.

57:51They do that because it keeps you at work and it keeps you productive and it keeps you happy and it makes it harder to quit when they're getting all these perks. You can go to the gym and there's a trainer there and whatnot, it's a lifestyle thing. But look, it sounds especially challenging. You say that it's squeezing its stakeholders and employees, people are burned out, the higher-ups aren't open to giving people more perks or stability. Maybe your company really is stingier and more ruthless than the other ones because of management issues. But then you need to decide if this place is for you.

58:20It sounds to me like you have a strong moral compass. You're passionate about people. The whole reason you wanted to get promoted in the first place was so you could make a difference for other employees. You sound like a really thoughtful leader, and that is great. But that lens, that can make it very hard to work in an environment like this. So it might be time to consider if there's a company whose ethos meshes better with you. And maybe that's a place that would also reward a leader like you. Yeah, I do believe there's a way for an organization to strike a balance between give and take. Those companies definitely exist.

58:53And the ones that truly live their values, they love to let people know it and they love to recruit people who share those values. But I do think just as a practical matter that you need to balance your idealism with a healthy acceptance of life under capitalism. And I know I'm talking weird now because who used the word capitalism like three times in three paragraphs? But even these magical, we live our values type of companies, they still want to survive. they still have to make money. They have to answer to shareholders, stakeholders. I promise you, even the most hippy-dippy, Ben and Jerry, progressive, generous companies out there, as soon as things get tough, they gotta cut costs.

59:30They gotta let people go because they gotta do whatever they have to do to survive. Them's the rules. And they are the best rules that we have right now. So in a way, yes, you could give up and become another cog in the machine because we all are. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with an actual toxic company or that you have to be miserable or that you can't find a way to make a difference for people and create meaning within a flawed system if you view it that way. I say be passionate, push for change, but man, be realistic too and maybe start looking for an employer that does its best for its people while also doing right by itself.

1:00:05Or if you think there's a conversation to be had in your company, maybe you can help your bosses see that treating people better would actually make the company more successful. There's retention and performance bumps to that stuff. That's a great act of leadership. At the very least, it'll be an interesting experiment. And if your bosses don't even want to hear it, then you can feel even better about kicking rocks and moving on. Either way, you win. And on that note, it's time to accept my own role as a powerless cog in the great soul-crushing machine of American capitalism and say that I hope you all enjoyed the show.

1:00:34And I want to thank everybody who wrote in and everybody who listened. Go back and check out the episodes with Andy Clark on our brain and our brain as a prediction machine and Mark Andreessen on how AI will definitely for sure not kill everyone on planet Earth. If you haven't checked out those episodes yet, I highly recommend that you do. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people that I know, like, and trust. You can get jobs better through your network. You can develop your own business through your network. You can even just have a happiness dividend through your network if you're retired or you're a teacher and you feel like you don't need this.

1:01:06Just go give it a shot. The course is free. JordanHarbinger.com slash course. Dig that well before you're thirsty and enjoy reconnecting with people and systemizing it not having to think about it all the time. Again, jordanharbinger.com slash course. And if you haven't signed up yet, our relaunch newsletter is wee bit wiser. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode from me to you, delivered to your inbox. If you want to keep up with the wisdom of our 800 plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. It is, again, new and I love your feedback. jordanharbinger.com slash news.

1:01:36Show notes and transcripts on the website at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Or ask the AI chatbot at jordanharbinger.com slash AI. I'm at Jordan Harbinger. I say my name way too much during these shows. At Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. Are we going to call it X ever? I feel like we should just never, ever switch. I have no plans to do that. Yeah, I refuse. This show is created in association with Podcast One.

1:02:08My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Milio Campo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Corbin Payne, who is a lawyer, by the way, a real one. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time.

1:02:39You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show with a guest who committed a white-collar crime, went to federal prison, and now advises lots of people that you've heard on the news. I'm going to speak openly about breaking the law. I'm going to speak openly about living in denial. I'm going to speak openly about what I've learned from this experience. I'm going to speak openly how I was a privileged rich kid who had all the breaks in life, and I deserve to be scrutinized, I deserve to be punished, and I'm going to talk about how I'm going to climb back up. I knew that it was wrong.

1:03:07I knew that while I was sitting in a meeting and someone was being told, that a certain return existed, I knew that it was a lie. And people were hurt as a result of that. Even though in my case, all of the money was repaid, all the victims got their money back, some of the humanity was stripped away. It comes back to intent. The government doesn't care. It doesn't matter if you were swept into this. They think you broke the law. They have a narrative and they are out to punish. And they love cooperators. I broke the law. I cheated. I created victims. It is a lifelong stigma. You know, it takes some time.

1:03:39It takes some peppering and understanding of reading and learning and thinking. You've got to find that perspective. You've got to become grateful for what's left versus all that's lost. And that was really a big transformation for me, focusing on what was left, my family and my mind, and a willingness to work hard and be competitive versus obsessing over everything that had crumbled down. The hardest part isn't prison. It's frankly the easiest part. There is a value in being in prison and losing everything. There is a freedom that comes with it. I didn't have a career to return to. I didn't have money to return to.

1:04:11I didn't have a relationship to return to. Everyone has to find value in the climb. I found great value in climbing back to a sense of respectability. To hear why Justin Paperni says his 18 months behind bars was one of the best experiences of his life, check out episode 226 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.